Devour This

TITLE: Devour This!

SERIES: Spam & Umad (Popular/Buffy X-Over #10)

DATE: Feb (dragging into March) 2003

PARING/RATING: Sam/Dawn; Nic/Willow (Buffy and Brooke might see some action as well...) PG15ish-R Fluffish (Warning: Inappropriate behaviour with under-aged girls is alluded to for humor's (?) sake; but never depicted!)

SPOILERS: Yes Please (Pretty much S7 Buffy to "Get It Done")

SUMMARY: Forcing these relationships a tad further along...

A/N: "Asterick-isized" at the bottom...oh, and some mild, pre-requisite Harrison character assassination since that seems to be all the rage these days... }:oP

Also not spell-checked or beta'd--I'm tired of looking at it...

Harrison and Emory leaned against their lockers blatantly scoping out the new girl at the water fountain--or at least her ripe, round little rump.

"Daddy likes!" Harrison drooled and nodded as the girl straightened up and flipped her long chestnut hair back over her shoulders, her freckled face revealing her youth --not that that would dissuade her admirers...

Dawn daubed the corners of her perfect, dainty mouth and slid over to Sam. Feeling a little self-conscious of her attire, she sought reassurance from the elder brunette-- "Are you sure this isn't too "Miss Sunnydale 2003"?" she asked indicating her tight, faded jeans; vintage "Misfits" t-shirt and sneakers.

"You look fine baby!" Sam cooed, then added a tad more huskily, "~Real Fine~!" Both girls dissolving into giggles as they entered the Chemistry Lab.

Dawn took Brooke's vacant seat besides Sam as the rest of the class slowly, reluctantly meanders in. The door slams; the class cowers, as Claw begins her daily rant. Acutely aware of any miniscule deviance from the norm, she slowly, menacingly approaches our two young brunettes...

"Ms. McBabysnacther! I wasn't aware this was "Bring Your Daughter to Work Day"..."*

Sam groaned. "It's my hair isn't it?" She fluffed her rat's nest gingerly, appealing to Dawn: "I have ~Mom Hair~!"

Dawn smirked and patted her agitated lover's thigh "May be if your mom was Whoopee Goldberg--or Sideshow Bob!"

Sideshow Bobbi cleared her throat awaiting explanation, as Sam slowly began--"Ms Glass, sir, Dawn is my..." (Cousin?...Foreign Exchange Student?...)

"Sappho-Lifemate," Dawn supplied. Sam rolled her eyes and bonked her head forward on the table...

"Right...Moving on..." Claw began, eager to change the subject, (s)he cracks her knuckles and jerks her head to either side, popping her stiff neck...She continues roll call with no-one giving a second thought to the obviously absent MC, Nicole, Brooke and Josh...

"Yo! A little Sweet Pea like you bagged my homegirl?!?" Sugar Daddy leans forward to query/leer.

"True dat, Dawg!" Dawn responded with a high-five ritual knuckle-rap ceremony seldom witnessed outside Compton or an NFL end-zone.

Dawn's initial insecurity of being viewed as an unaccepted outsider, or worse yet--a kid--melted away as the class began congratulating her on her "conquest" of the attractive, yet strangely off-putting journalist. Emory, Lily, Carmen all offer their kudos in turn; she was only momentarily unnerved when a leering April Tuna approached with--"So what does she look like all nudie-patootie?!?!"

"OMG!" Carmen gushed, prodding the still embarrased, ostrichesque brunette, "Sammy's not driving stick anymore--I mean, not that you ever were--I mean you've barely got a learner's permit--and could you have been more clueless in Driver's Ed?"

Lily attempted to save both friends awkwardness by agreeing--"I'm so proud of you Sam--coming out like this--and might I add: you've got a sweet little girl there--got the whole Avril look going..."

"I'm not a little gi---*sigh* never mind," Dawn faltered.

SD, still nodding/grinning/drooling his enthusiastic approval contributed--"Hell yeah! I'd do her!"

"I know you would Sugar D!" Emory patronizingly encouraged him with a jovial back-slap..."Personally I detect the smoldering, seductive lure of a future Lauren Bacall as opposed to the aforementioned Cannuck chanteuse..."

"Word!" SD barreled on (oblivious, or immune to nerd-baiting) "or Denise Richards' baby sister doing her own Wild Thing!" His eyes roll back in his head as he mentally replays the movie...

"Puh-leeze..." Harrison scowled, still bitter over Sam's rejection. "I could see this from Carmen, who'd be wise to take anything she could get--or Lily with her kooky Empowerment rhetoric--but it's obvious Sam here is just jumping on the Lesbian-chic bandwagon. Isn't that right Sammy? You can't obtain your precious Popularity on your own merit; why not ride the coat-tails of the ~radically trendy~?!?" Completing his little diatribe with that sour smirk and "quotation mark" finger-gestures...

Dawn replied with appropriate finger gestures of her own, but had to literally put her whole weight into preventing her furious lover from flying over the table...

Carmen shed shocked, silent tears and Lily just fumed with an intense irate scowl as Harrison continued digging his own grave--"I mean, c'mon!" he arrogantly smirked directly at Sam, "You're obviously not ready or able to commit to a real relationship--that's why you're just playing at it with this...child! What could be further removed from the virile, masterful, masculine partner your naive, little innocent heart fears, yet undeniably yearns for!?!"

"Argh!" Sam groaned. "Harrison, have you been pilfering Carmen's Harlequin Romance Novels again? Pool your resources--you'd both be better off purchasing a clue!"

Fortunately Bio Glass was able to restore order and momentarily regain the class' brief attention-spans-- "Since I over-imbibed on pina coladas and Lifetime's "Ally" marathon last night, you will all remain uncharacteristically silent as we view today's educational film "Mating Rituals of the Colorado Dung Beetle"." She started the antiquated projector, killed the lights and joined half the class in instantaneous slumber...

As Lily consoled Carmen at the desk in front of them, Sam regrouped and attempted to smooth Dawn's ruffled feathers--"I meant to warn you baby--Harrison's got a little dollop of Nicole in him; that whole bone-marrow thing--which only embellishes his own intrinsic petty, hateful, bitchy streak..."

Dawn took this opportunity to slide stealthily upside the hateful homophobe. She leaned in to whisper, with just the right degree of menace--"You have to sleep some time, don't you Harrison...?"

~*~*~*~*~*~

"Here we are!" Willow bubbled as she held open the front door to the familiar house on Revello Drive. She leaned on one side of the doorway; Nicole occupying the other, as they oogled the small parade of teenage girls entering the vacant Summers home. Emily and Emma Dick (Emory's twin blonde "Jr. Hot-tay" sisters), Dawn's JD friend Janice, Goth-wannabe Kit...

"Lusty wrong feelings?" Nic grinned as the Wiccan all but telegraphed her thoughts. Willow nodding/grinning goofily as the blonde closed the door behind them. "Are you sure we've got the place to ourselves?"

"Relax baby" the redhead purred, "Buffy & Dawnie will be gone all week!"

Nic encouraging Willow's latest fantasy: fueled by the erotic posing/ (wo) manipulating they'd experimented with on the recently, temporarily-paralyzed Dawn (See Spam and Umad #9--Something Bad!). They now hoped to recapture, or possibly surpass the thrill with this little pubescent booty-call...

"Why don't you just shift everyone who isn't a 15 year old girl into an alternate dimension?"**

"Nic-ky!" the redhead playfully slapped at the lustful blonde, "Because that would be...wrong!" she giggled...

As they followed the girls into the living room Nicole caught a fleeting, disturbing glimpse of her wondrous Wicca. "Um, hey babe," she began apprehensively, "are you doing something different with your hair? I'm getting this vague "dark roots" vibe...."

"Puh-leeze" Willow scoffed, then a tad more menacingly, "I'm no more of a brunette than ~you~ are!"

~*~*~*~*~*~

"Wha--huh?" Dawn awoke with a start. She looked at the wall clock. No way! Only 15 minutes had transpired? At this rate they'd be in this same class all day...She struggled to recall her Sam-a-lamb's schedule: Bio/lunch/drama class/journalism...and, oh yeah, French. (Dawn had a brief flashback of Buffy on one of her freaky "I-have-to-be-the-mommy-now" tirades: she's like "Fuck France! Learn something useful!" which had prompted our young brunette to enroll in "Sumerian 101"...)

Dawn looked around; the entire class sleeping...well, except for Harrison. "Avoid eye contact!" her inner-warning bells peeled. She looked over at her girlfriend, head flat on the table facing her; snoring like a buzz-saw.

"Bored now." She started rummaging thru Brooke's desk drawer when she found a pencil with a little Glamazon pompom thingie on the end. She smirked and began to tickle her Sweet Baboo under the chin w/ it. Sam broke her horrendous snore pattern to make lip-smacking noises/gestures. This also released a torrent of drool from those amazing, pink, glistening lips. Dawn suppressed a delighted giggle and carefully inched the device under the journalist's nose. Sam did the cutest little nose-crinkle-thing. Dawn approached again from a slightly different angle to be rewarded with an even more endearing crinkle/twitch, follow ed by a humongous, wet sneeze. Yee-uck! Dawn smeared her soppy wet hand on Sam's shirt-sleeve. She wasn't ~that~ squeamish per se, it's just ever since the Quellor Demon she's had a slight aversion to snot...

Since Sam has failed to amuse, she rummaged further thru the drawer--an industrial-size bottle of "Lady Time", an invitation to a sorority party with somebody named Jamie's phone #, a torn-in-half picture of Brooke obviously having a "bad hair" day, and finally an old copy of "Chick Power".

Dawn didn't hold much truck with those frivolous girlie mags (altho 17 often had some nice pictures...); she preferred borrowing Willow's copies of "MaximumStuffForHim--The Magazine for Guys and Women who Think Like Guys". It always had a hot pictorial of some wannabe young starlet, plus all these lame tips about "how to make any woman your love-slave!" No wonder guys were so screwed-up! I'll bet Harrison there has a 3-year subscription!

She thumbed thru page after page, pushing various lotions and potions, trends and fashions, designed to obliterate any sign of individuality or free thought. She inadvertently thumbed over to the ad for the "Win a Romantic Getaway" contest that had landed her in this present situation...

~(Woo Hoo! Another Flashback! Briefly: Sam had entered and WON! the contest: the grand prize being a week's stay for 4 at a luxurious penthouse suite at some swank LA hotel. Our two favorite brunettes had planned on sharing the bounty with Satan and Willow but Mike and Jane (and Buffy!) had denied their "immoral" request. They were all fine with letting Brooke and Josh shack up for a week tho--Buffy and Riley agreed to *ahem* chaperone them...Talk about prejudice and double-standards, Dawn was starting to get pissed off all over again--so I make her go all blurry and return her to the present...)~

~*~*~*~*~*~

"C'mon ladies" Willow beseeched, "You've all seen those cheerleader movies! It's like a requirement--boisterous lingerie/slumber parties! Lewd, pseudo-lesbian pillow fights! Lascivious dancing!...Drunken debauchery!... Underpants!..." finally loosing steam, "Bring it on!?!"

"Um babe?," Nicole began hesitantly, glancing across the sedate, disinterested group of jailbait "Future Glamazons"..."Maybe it's your entertainment..." She nodded to the suspended cage in the center of the room containing a manic, go-go dancing Andrew clad in only a glittery gold G-string and oven-mitts...

They are all startled/interrupted by a key (other than Dawn) and the front door opening--

"Right this way ladies," Giles leers, as a bevy of buxom young Potential Slayers meander into the house. "It's not as posh as the Watcher's Retreat, but I'm sure we'll find it...accommodating. I--Good Lord!--"

Jaws drop; Silence hangs, as the 2 groups come face to face...They are all startled/interrupted (again) by a key and the front door opening--

"Let me just grab a few things."

"I'll keep the motor running..."

"You do that," the skinny blonde purred, wrapping her arms around the gentle giant's neck; pulling Riley all the way down for a slayer smoochie...her keen, battle-honed senses revealing the fact that they are not alone...

"Holy Crap--W-Willow?...Giles!"

The blonde couple form the third leg of the shocked, silent triangle, interrupted only by Andrew's pathetic bleat--

"Can I stop now?...my arms are tired..."

~*~*~*~*~*~

Dawn wished she had some toothpicks or something to prop her eyelids open...maybe one of those "Clockwork Orange" things. She entertained the brief mental notion of strapping Harrison into such a device...The "Meet the Dung Beetles" film had fluttered violently before finally breaking; 2-3 students awake enough to notice, but not voice a concern...Emory was entertaining them with a shadow-puppets show on the blank white screen...

(realm of the) shadow-puppets...

Sam had entered the third stage of deep sleep; the one always represented by Larry-Moe-Curlyesque snoring... Dawn lazily perused the magazine's content until she came upon a quiz entitled "Friends: His or Yours?". The accompanying pictures could've been outtakes from a Yuppie TV beer commercial--"His": a very bored blonde playing solitaire w/ her head propped on her elbow while in the background a gaggle of guys cheered a televised sporting event (men like sports...we're almost sure of it). The coinciding "Yours" picture showed the same blonde now seated center-stage joyously "high-fiving" a sofa-mate, as her totally non-jealous boyfriend hugs her and the rest of the cast celebrate by hosing the couple down with shook-up beer spray...

The quiz continues with a brief, snarky description of composite characters and various personality traits, the idea being to choose the ones that represent both your, and your significant other's, friends and then compare scores at the end to discern compatibility...Brooke had already completed the survey for her and Josh (if the little hearts in pink ink were any indication...) Dawn read Brookes results: "Congratulations! You are both totally vapid and easily mutate to any required social circumstance!" From the looks of it Sam had started to take the survey as well...curiosity getting the better of our young brunette, Dawn decides to see what outcome the magazine predicts for her and Sam...

Instead of just "circle(ing) all that apply" Sam had scrawled her friends names beside descriptions, often with little cartoon commentaries such as clouds & lightning bolts, devil horns & tails etc. Dawn tried not to--

a) laugh out loud. And
b) let Sam's answers cloud her own...

1) Popular, anorexic, blonde, fashion-obsessed cheerleader "sister" whom the whole world revolves around. Rules the roost both at home and school (entirely possible she's dating the principal!) Your cares/concerns/dreams/desires are dismissed as adolescent and/or irrelevant...But let someone else take an interest in you--she becomes possessive and territorial. Sam had scrawled a capitol B with a little crown atop it; Dawn had to agree...

2) Evil Blonde Bitch-Goddess from Hell...Dawn didn't have to read any further, obviously it was---hmm, Sam had already answered Nicole; Dawn went with 2nd choice Glory instead...

3) Goofy "Regular Joe" male side-kick. Every Gang needs it's "Alfalfa", _______ is yours. Bonus points for big ears and cowlicks. Usually harmless, comic relief, until the raging hormones kick in, then it's all about "taking it to the next level". Maybe Dawn was a little to harsh on Harrison, after all she'd seen how bad/often Buffy had shot down Xander; then again Xander had seemed like a flying buttress of support for the girl/girl thing--a vibe she was definitely not getting from Harrison...almost like he had a bad previous experience with lesbians...

4) New-Age, tree-hugging Earth/Mother/Goddess wannabe. Usually likable/personable--possibly even your bestest friend--but watch out for hidden agendas! Keep her focused on the henna tattoos/spice racks/chantra crystals and AWAY from the majicks and syrups! "Heh, no contest there!" Dawn quipped. She printed Willow's name down thru where Sam had written Lily's (like Scrabble!) then do-do-doodled a picturesque little ivy-covered Celtic cross...

~*~*~*~*~*~

A/N: The list goes on; but for your sake dear reader, this author shall not...You can all make the obvious comparisons:

MC=Harmony....Josh=Riley....Bobbi Glass=Giles....Andrew=Emory....and if you really wanted to stretch it: Fred=Carmen....George=Wood=Gunn....Sugar Daddy=Oz....Principal Flutie=Calvin Krupps...Hmmm, that leaves only Cordelia, who's incomparable...and Spike (who's irrelevant!--He can be that Jamie guy...or Mike McQueen) There's even some fan-fic-wankers out there that would liken Sam to Faith! Surely I've proven by now how ludicrous that scenario is and convinced you all of the "Soulmate 4Eva Shippyness of Sam/Dawn"...Let us continue...

~*~*~*~*~*~

Wondering how that Sunnydale sitch is playing out? Probably a lot of indecipherable ranting and raving...I'm sure we'd only be able to hear snippets such as Willow's--

"Oh yeah! And like all these cleavagey slutbombs are Potential Slayers!" Or Nic's inital reaction to Kennedy--

"Eyes to yourself maggot!" Or Kennedy's rebuttal--

"You're out of line!" Finally Giles' voice rises above the chaotic din and stammers--

"I was merely attempting to contribute to the continued succession of the Slayer lineage..."

"How exactly?!?" Buffy growled, "By siring them all yourself?! And you--!" spinning around on her best friend, "What--besides the delinquency of minors--where YOU hoping to contribute to?!?"

"I-I-I-I-I--" Willow stammered. Kennedy stepped forward as if to defend the agitated redhead but was stared down by a surly, pissed-off cheerleader who'd been busted more than enough times to realize when defense is futile...

Nic bit her lower lip coquettishly and smiled at an obviously riled Riley...Buffy catching the tail-end of the eye-contact and slapping her nervous boyfriend repeatedly on the chest before sending him out to the car... The Slayer took a deep breath--willing the calm--and staring directly at Nicole while addressing the entire room--"I want ~everyone~ out of here before I get back--Is that understood?!?"

"When exactly are you coming back?" Nic braved...

"_Is_that_understood_?!?" Buffy venomously reiterated. The Alpha Blonde shot her best "disgusted/disappointed" look at her housemate and her former mentor amid the awkward, apologetic murmurs...then walked stoically to the front door, sighed and overactingly exited...

~*~*~*~*~*~

We assume Harrison interpreted the school bell ringing as the beginning signal of "Round 2". He elbowed Our Little Dawnie out of the way and continued his verbal onslaught against her girlfriend. He trapped Sam against the lockers and continued his barrage of "coming to her senses" and "quit playing these little mind-fuck games on him" and culminated with every misogynist's favorite line--"Nothing Can Defeat the Penis!". Dawn had had enough. She spun him around and delivered both a knee to his groin, and the killer tag-line "Maybe not, but this one will have sit out for a few rounds..."

The entire student body parts like the sea to flow around Harrison's crumpled, sobbing form on the hall floor. "Yo Scrub!" Sugar Daddy offers, "Why do you set yourself up like that?" Even his best friends Emory and April snicker as they head off to the Janitor's Closet for some fourth period froutage...only to find Sam and Dawn one step ahead of them--They do what anyone would do under the circumstances: let the visual stimuli of these 2 smoldering brunette hotties fuel their own unique brand of passion...April especially enjoying the show...

~*~*~*~*~*~

From Buffy's Holiday Journal--

Day 1--Saw Grohman's Theatre and Mount Lee Hollywood sign. Elegant candlelit dinner with Brooke & Josh. Unfulfilled hetero sex with Riley...

Day 2--Magic Mountain. Dinner with B & J. Unfulfilled hetero sex with Riley...

Day 3--Santa Monica Pier. Long talk with B. Unfulfilled hetero sex with Josh...

Day 4--"Scooby Doo 2" Premiere. Compared notes with B. Unfulfilled hetero sex with Josh...then Riley (ditto)...

Day 5--Egged the WB lot. Contemplated non-hetero sex with Brooke...Hotel managers have informed us that "Chick Power" magazine has folded and they are no longer obligated to provide "luxurious accommodations" Recommended the Hyperion...

Day 6--Discussed "Waaaay Fulfilling" previous hetero-sex partner with Brooke; have both decided to look him up... Note to self: purchase Nancy-Boy hair-gel as ice-breaker.

Day 7--Fuck Angel!!! Lorne rocks my Slayer Socks off!!! Leaving for Vegas w/ Brooke for week-long 3-way orgy!

~*~*~*~*~*~

"Um, Excuse me...Author?!?" one of your more vocal fellow perusers babbles. (Probably Dan; he's a whiny little nitpicker...) "But you've had Mary Cherry and Spike trapped in a collapsed cave since December...I know you enjoy sharing these show's nonexistent continuity arcs, but really, what's up with that?"

D'oh! The clatter/rattle/clunky sounds were gaining volume (and reverb!) as our two peroxided spelunkerers ventured further into the labyrinth. Spike gradually realizing that "all roads lead to The Intitative". As the rest of BtVS fandom's already noted--the local construction company contracted to "burn it down, cement it in and salt the earth" has in fact, absconded to Maui with the government cheese...

"No wonder that glorified brick-layer got such a sweet deal on that construction company" Spike smirked, barely heard above the din building behind the huge stone obelisk...

It proved no match for the gold-plated, Nieman-Marcus entrenching tool secreted in MC's cavernous Prada handbag. The Blondie-Bears pried open the passageway to reveal a snarling, writhing mass of Turok-han(s?) as far as the eye could see! Spike immediately recognizing the "Assassins of the Underworld"; "The elite SS of the Vampire Race". The Turok-han(s?) made a collective mental connection of their own--spying Mary Cherry, the insane growls and bellows from the horde were replaced with subservient mewling, bowing and scraping to their Golden Goddess. Mary Cherry leans backed against the door, and we zoom in for an extreme close-up of her arched eyebrow and sinister leer...

Happy now? TBC...well, you know...

~*~*~*~*~*~

"Pssst." Sam motions to YOU!--the reader. "You're not really going to buy into that Blonde Herring are you?" she huffs. You're thinking "OMG! She looks even more beautiful in person!!!" as she continues, pantomiming a juggling/balancing motion with her hands, "I mean, think about it--Nicole...(balance)...First Evil...I'm just saying--"

"Spam?" Nic saunters up with that "I've-just-humped-my-brains-out" swagger; an over-satiated redhead clinging to her waist; drooling on her shoulder... "What are you doing?"

"N-n-nothing" Sam looks beseechingly at YOU! She secrets a "Ssshhh!" motion with her finger to those wondrous, pursed lips and YOU! are a goner...

~*~*~*~*~*~

* "Bring Your Daughter to Work Day" is an American tradition, resultant of the 1970's Women's Movement. The benefits are at least two-fold--
a) young girls were empowered by example to think outside the normal gender-defined occupations...and
b) Capitalist Running Dogs were presented with almost 50% more populace to enslave...

** Willow Rosenberg quote from "All the Way", forever cementing her place as my like-minded soul-mate <g>...