TITLE: Effulgent Delirious Carbon-Based Bi-peds (so as not to infringe upon copy-rights of "Angel" who has infringed upon the copy-rights of R.E.M./the B-52s's "Shiny Happy People") Goddess knows where they stole it...

SERIES: Spam & Umad #11 (Buffy/Popular X-over AU)

AUTHOR/FB: Snarlsnout@yahoo.com

RATING/PAIRING: S/D; soft "R" for F-word/sexual implications

DISCLAIMERS: Joss Whedon et al (Buffy)/Ryan Murphy et al (Popular)/Puddle of Mudd et al (She Fuckin' Hates Me) lyrics

SPOILERS: Hardly any/Spoof of 1-2 minor S7 BVS visual gags...

SUMMARY: A walk in the park is anything but, when Our Girls' moods are on opposite ends of the spectrum...

ARCHIVE: Realm o/t Shadow (Thanks Kim)

A/N#1: Only a brief splash of a song-fic--because it fit the mood & because I can totally visualize Michelle T doing the video! (maybe in those low-rise jeans & halter top...) Altho I believe "Dawn" might be a tad too nerdy to rock-out  }:oP

A/N#2: Its getting harder to invent/parody/rip-off all these grandeous, elaborate plot-lines; meanwhile just trying to keep the ficcy-fingers busy typing this maudlin "emotions" crap...mostly from a Dawn POV...la la la la...

And we're off...

Open early Saturday morning on a cascade of chestnut brown hair fanning out on a soft, snow-white pillow.  Enhance this image further to reveal the innocent young freckled face slumbering under said locks, and drooling ever-so-slightly on the aforementioned bedding...

Dawn yawns. She stretches her fawn-like body. Reluntantly relinquishing slumber by slowly opening her humongous baby-blues. Dawn's rays greet Dawn's gaze as she suddenly surfaces to consiousness. Still wearing most of last night's clothes confirmed the vague memory of trying to wait up for Sam and Nicole to arrive. Buffy must've carried her upstairs to bed and removed her jeans and trade-mark sneakers. She could only imagine (and had on several occasions--but don't tell her Sweet Sam-a-Lamb...) what would've been removed had Willow been the one to carry her to bed...

The young brunette hastily dressed and rushed downstairs--well yeah, OK she did stop to pee/brush her hair & teeth/wash her face and don a little bubble-gum lip-gloss...as we all wait impatiently outside the door...

Finally bouncing bouyantly into the kitchen she is greeted not by the expected crowd of her sappho-sisterhood but by her real sis Buffy who casts a nervous gaze from Dawn to Sam slumped sullen and solo at the table. Try as we might to imagine the Slayer's glamour-puss endorsing the odd breakfast cereal, we are instead greeted by a zombiesque scrawny blonde in hap-hazardly buttoned "Yummi Sushi" PJs and a bed-head that would rival any of Sam's infamous coiffs. Buffy overflows the bowl with Cocoay FooFoos, shots Dawn a dirty look as she tips a nearly empty milk carton, scratches her "arobesized little booty" unceremoniously, then slumps out of the kitchen, her FuzzyBunny slippers dusting the floor...Dawn's delightful smile disappearing as her sister rolls her eyes, nods towards Sam, and smiles comiseratingly...

Dawn ducks out the doorway unseen, following Buffy into the living room...

"What? Buf-fy! What?!?"

"Hey I'm as much in the dark here as you are kiddo--at least I was--till all the screaming started," Buffy mananged to explain around a mouthful of crunchy chocolately goodness. "I caught the tail-end of the sunrise performance--much slamming and shouting; porch lights and car alarms. Ends with Wils and *shudder* Nicole driving off, and a messy, mopey McPherson camped in the kitchen. Still, snappy pace and witty repartee--I'd give it 3 1/2 stars."

"Why didn't you guys wake me?" (Buffy shrugs.) "W-what should I do?" The slayer skipped a second shrug, she couldn't be that unsympathetic. She gave her kid sister her best "I don't know" sigh, kissed Dawn's forehead leaving a cold, clamy milk mark and trudged back to bed.

Dawn girded her loins (because I've always wanted to incorperate that archaic expression) and entered the kitchen.

"Hey baby, rough night?" she offered kissing the top of Sam's matted mane and tenderly carressing her tense shoulders. Sam just groaned and pulled away.

Dawn grabbed a cup from the cabinet and poured the dregs from the Coffeemiester 5000. She sat across the table from Sam hoping the new angle of approach would help. She studied the pensive brunette as she ladled mounds of sugar and non-dairy creamer into her cup. "You should've just come on up Sam, you kno--"

Sam rose abruptly, headed to the coffee-maker, slammed things around a little too loudly to show her frustration, finally all but throwing her empty cup in the sink.

"H-here...Take mine," Dawn offered timidly. "Not much of a java junkie myself. Like I need anymore caffine...."

"Not now! It's ruined," Sam snapped, then mumbling "Like my clothes...like my life."

That's what's wrong! Well, at least the part that shows anyway. Dawn realized Sam was dressed in what had to have been some of the witch's wardrobe--all black (no doubt from her "Tara dumped me" period) Black boots, black long-sleeve pullover, & black wrap-skirt that Sam was having trouble keeping wrapped around her knees & calves. Dawn was momentarily distracted ("Sam looks so frickin' HOT in black!") trying to recall if she'd ever seen her girl in a dress before...She was envisioning Sam's outfit accessorized with a black sombrero trimmed with those "dingle-thingies"--like Goth-Gaucho-Grrl!

"--fucking Satan drives off with my bag in her trunk!" Sam had already began her rant/explanation as Dawn returned to the present. "--and after I fell down that fucking muddy embankment changing her flat tire!"

"Babe--If you're not comfortable in that we can probably find something of mine--"

"Puh-leeze, I'd rather look like a stoned, depressive Hippie throwback than a walking Ambercrombie & Fitch catalog." Sam growled distractedly.

Dawn struggled to ignore the cheap barb, trying to change the subject yet again, "Hey if you want, we can walk over to the Expresso Pump--it's like the 'dale's lame rebuttal to Starbucks."

"I guess..." Sam reluctantly sighed.

~*~*~*~*~

Dawn recovered a little of the elation she'd woken up with as the two brunettes strolled down the sidewalk. A crisp clear morning after almost a week of solid rain. Spring was Dawn's favorite time of year (when a young girl's fancy...) but she had to admit, she was looking forward even more to this summer. With school out, she could spend more than these fleeting week-ends with her Sweet Baboo. Mike & Jane finally agreeing to let Sam spend the first month of summer vacation in Sunnydale, with Dawn finagling Buffy into reciprocating the following month at the Palace. They knew if they both whined long and hard enough they could squeeze another 2-3 weeks out of it; Buffy and the 'rentals falling easy prey to our two young brunettes' notorious pouts...

"Mr. Giles is wrong," Dawn smirked to herself, "Fuck 1967--THIS is the Summer of Love baby! Yeah!---Damn, got to lay off the Austin Powers' marathons..."

But back to the moment--Dawn stole a sideways glance at her companion: Sam all pensive, a mood as black as her borrowed outfit. Whatever transpired between Sam and *shudder* Nicole had left the brunette in a surly/sulky mood...and had left Dawn to deal with the fall-out. Dawn could (help) fight monsters till the cows came home--then she could fight the cows...(okay, so maybe slap around a calf)--but battling on the whole emotional realm? Dawn sighed, "Forget about it..."

She tried to put on her bubbly "hugs and puppies" face and lure Sam out of her funk gradually, but the older girl just resignedly "mm-hmmed" at every antecdote or flirtation... Dawn getting steadily more confused. Normally strolling lazily hand-in-hand like this was Sam's favorite change of pace from the hectic LA 'burbs (What'd she say? "Quaint-Reminds her of Mayberry"?) but she seemed oblivious to it today. They walked quietly past the Sun Cinema and the good part of town. Stopping at the Expresso Pump to get Sam her much needed (?)  caffine fix. A couple of blocks later, and they'd transversed the bad part of town as well...

They quickened the pace a little as they passed yet another of The 'Dale's numerous cemetaries (Dawn hugging herself while Sam sought warmth & solace from her mochachino) and emerged eventually into the city park. As they passed the forlorn, deserted merry-go-round Dawn hit Sam with her best antecdote: Her 10th birthday, Joyce renting the merry-go-round for a full hour--except Dawn hadn't made any friends yet, so it was just her, mom and Buffy riding it over and over That story had never failed to garnish a sympathetic response from the audience...until now! (Even a hardened Initiative guy had shed a tear) Dawn inwardly reflects on how little has changed since that early "memory"; how ill-equiped she is too deal with emotional issues--feels like the monks failed to add any deminsion to some parts of her existance. Or maybe they had provived her with all she'd need--instruction manuals in the form of diaries; life "experiences" she'd could reflect and grow from--and she burnt them all in yet another of her juvinile tantrums. Now here she was, totally clueless with only herself to blame...and only 2-2 1/2 years of existence to draw from-- if only she had those missing years she'd know how to deal with all these problems and uncertanties; all this drama-rama, head-on and confident like any other teen-age girl...

~*~*~*~*~

The young brunette was so deep in thought she'd failed to noticed she'd walked straight into a huge, lingering puddle. Sam had side-stepped it and seemed totally oblivious as Dawn looked down at her new sneakers completely submerged in the murky mess...As Dawn scowled at Sam ready to unleash a "you could've warned me!" barrage she noticed the older brunette appearred to be walking in place...in slow motion... like on a treadmill. Dawn looked around to see if anyone else was noticing (or effected by) this when the van pulled up beside her on the grass. She barely had time to recognize the MTV logo before it was obscurred by the side door sliding open and Carson Daly rushing over to her, microphone in hand...He gave Dawn a circular finger motion with his hand while nodding to the camera-man now zooming in on our young beauty's surprised, smiling face--

"Yes Carson--Kids in Sunnydale love Red Bull and Jackass! --and Total Request Live!  I'd like to give a shout-out to Janice, Kit, Carlos and ~R.J.~ and all my homeys at Sunnydale High!  Gooo Razorbacks!" Then glancing first at the still oblivious Sam, then panning down to her soaking wet feet--"I'd like to dig way back in the "golden-oldie" vault for last summer's Puddle of Mudd nugget."

"You've got it Dawnmiester!" Carson smiled and cued the sound tech in the van to crank the huge roof-mounted speakers. "She F*ckin' Hates Me!"

Met a girl, thought she was grand
fell in love, found out first hand
went well for a week or two
then it all came unglued

in a trap; a trip I can't grip
never thought I'd be the one who'd slip
then I started to realize
I was living one big lie

Dawn kept pace with the song's slow start as she walked over to Sam, circling her, staring at that self-absorbed smirk Sam always adopted when basking in her own importance. Eyes still staring forward, infamous pout, tounge pressing out randomly at cheeks and lips...As the song's tempo builds Dawn begins to sing along, waves a hand in Sam's face looking for any sign of acknowledgment, and finding none begins pogo-ing around Sam's treading form--belting out the chorus with heart-felt bravado--

she fuckin hates me
trust
she fuckin hates me
la la la love
I tried too hard
and she tore my feelings like I had none
and ripped them away

The suspension of reality really wasn't an issue to Dawn; just another musical interlude in Sunnydale--and Carson was ~way cuter~ than Sweet...Besides Our Girl was totally into it now working out all her frustration by stomping up and down thru the mud puddle, kicking a huge spray of stagnant rain water on Sam each time she passed...

she was queen for about an hour
after that shit got sour
she took all I ever had
no sign of guilt
no feeling of bad, no

Getting all up in the older brunette's blank face as she screamed along with lyrics; flipping fingers full of dirty water defiantly in her lover's distant stare; wringing her drenched hair out all over Sam's motionless head...

in a trap; a trip I can't grip
never thought I'd be the one who'd slip
then I started to realize
I was living one big lie

that's my story, as you see
learned my lesson and so did she
now it's over, and I'm glad
`cause I'm a fool for all I've said

she fuckin hates me
trust
she fuckin hates me
la la la love
I tried too hard
and she tore my feelings like I had none
and ripped them away

All Dawn's pent-up rage builds in perfect synch with the song's tempo and as both reach thier crescendo Dawn takes a running belly-flop dive that would rival any Woodstock mosh-pit mud-slide, sails thru the muck sending huge sprays in her wake and bowls Sam over in a beauty slo-mo arc that gets 1...2...3 instant replays, till both the song, and the girls thrash to a disjointed, disheveled halt...

"For God's sake Dawn!--Just walk around it..." Sam bitches; Dawn sighs...

~*~*~*~*~

The bright spring sun seems to warm everything but the moods of our two young brunettes as they walk quietly, lazily thru the deserted park to "their spot". Dawn sits and strips her soaked shoes and socks, wriggling her dainty toes dry in the soft, warm grass. Maybe some of Willow's Wicca was rubbing off on her, but it was hard to feel all gloomy/negative with Nature trying so hard all around them...but then again, if anyone could poop the party it was her girlfriend.  She gazed admiringly at Sam sitting across from her now, leaning back on her arms, just the faintest smile adorning her adorable face as she basked close-eyed in the welcome rays. Dawn couldn't help but run her gaze down the girl's beautiful body--her slender legs stretching straight out; a flash of white thighs above the black boots where the skirt had spread... and arching her head just a little--a glimpse of *gasp!* black lace panties!

Dawn just enjoyed the view a while--amazed that Sam herself had no idea how beautiful she was. She studied the journalist's face for any sign that whatever was troubling her had past; Sam's distance/emotional walls/aloofness a constant and confusing mystery to her...Dawn had enough darkness in her life *thank you* now she wanted some Spring ...sunshine...and Happy Sam! Dawn started ever-so-gently wriggling her toes up the inside of Sam's legs, pushing that pesky skirt just a little further to the sides...

"Dawn..." Not ~that~ much of a protest--she didn't even open her eyes! Dawn scooched closer, gently trying to spread Sam's legs with her heels...

"Dawn." Uh-oh...a bit of hostility that time...but still... Dawn paused; and yet she hadn't pushed her away...and she could swear that smile was a little wider. Finally braving it she stretched one slim foot to it's limit, the tips of her toes gentle grazing the soft black lace; the warm white skin...

"Dawn!" Sam's eyes snapped open, as she tried to wrap the unruly garment over her legs. "Persistant much? I'll contribute your single-minded determination to the impetutiousness of youth..."

Dawn immediately perks up at the posibility of Sam melting until she belts her with the conclusion--"But what part of ~Not In The Mood~ can't you comprehend?!?" Dawn recoiled as if slapped. No it was worse than being slapped, worse even than that time Buffy shoved her into the wall (using full Slayer strength!) when they'd been arguing about mom...

You want "Emotion Girl"?!? You Got It! Dawn was livid. Turn the other cheek? Well, here's two of them McPherson--and you can kiss 'em both!

The two brunettes just glared at each other. Sam may make some spineless cheerleader back down with her "look-at-me-I'm-all-cocky/defiant-smirk" but she's dealing with a pro now...Dawn's cold steel blue eyes flashing like frozen fire/nostrils flaring/that determined, jutted lower lip & chin. Dawn had once stared a werewolf down!...OK, so it was Oz's 5-year old cousin Kenny...but still--Full Moon!

Several centuries pass, as we see Sam's facade slowly crack and she finally breaks the eye contact...her eyes watering (no doubt from the effort...) "Damn it baby" she sniffled, "It's not even you I'm mad at! I'm furious at myself!"

"But I'm easier to beat up?" Dawn smirks, then softens, as she listens to Sam's (latest) tale of woe...She'd written yet another article pissing off the cheerleaders yet again. (Explains the fight w/ Nicole...) Nic stirs it up at school Sam is ousted from the paper with her favorite teacher Mr. Grant now mad; Brooke stirs it up further at home involving the 'rents--and quite possibly jepordizing all the plans they'd made together for the summer...

As Sam concludes with a blubbery "I'm sorry", Dawn is immediately hugging her, kissing her forehead, daubing at her tears...They fall back to their previous positons facing each other only now with no barriers between them. Each taking a few moments to recover from all the "emotional expenditure" slowly becoming comfortable and content...

Dawn noticing Sam's skirt having become even more disheveled, sheepishly lets her toes retrace their earlier route.

"You are a ~persistent~ little shit, aren't you?" Sam smiles sweetly, slowly spreading her legs...

(Just don't let her call me Scrappy!) Dawn mentally cringed as she crawled between Sam's legs, planting a warm, slobbery smooch on Sam's nose...a cue to lighten up. She winks at Sam and waggles her brows mischeivously slowly dropping her gaze to Sam's lap now deviod of almost all of that pesky dress' encumberance...

"Hey, I'm thinking with all those other people down on you...what's one more?" Dawn smiled, beginning her descent...

TBC (but don't hold your breath...)  }:o)