TITLE: Everywhere You Want to Be

SERIES: Spam & Umad #12 (Yep! One Dozen!)

AUTHOR/FB/E-Mail: Snarlsnout@yahoo.com (The Bloody Awful Fan-Fictionist...)

PAIRING/RATING: S/D N/W & a cast of thous--um, several; probably "R"-ish (I'm sure we'll curse & inappropriately discuss our heroines' bodies/love-life...)

DISCLAIMERS: Ryan Murphy et al (Popular)/Joss Whedon et al (Buffy)/Kevin Smith (J & SB and a couple of "borrowed" scenes/dialog/scenarios...)/HL for the Dawson rants...;o)

DATE: June-July 2003

ARCHIVE: Realm o/t Shadow (Thanks Kim!)

SPOILERS: Any/all S7 Buffy (emphasis on "Chosen")/S1 What I Like About You (Amanda Bynes is da Bomb!)/& misc. WB shlock...

WARNINGS: Probably some character deaths (but nobody "important"...) Also-"Some of my best friends are Spuffers".

SUMMARY-A/N: Woohoo! Fanfic as Hate Literature! Actually my cheap retaliation against the army of rabid Pro-Spike fans who belabor the "fact" that "The WB wouldn't have even renewed Angel if they couldn't sign James M. for the whole season". Hence my theory: if Spike's so good for the WB's ratings, let's just put him in ~every damn show~ then...Apologies to my vast non-U.S. fan base-- but I'm sure you'll recognize most of these x-over blurbs even if you are not blessed with the wonder that is the Michegan J. Frog network..."All Spike; All the Time" }:oP

"Do we really have to be naked?" Sam asked embarrassedly, peering up thru her Bambi eyelashes. Dawn, her sappho-lifemate, bouncing behind her on one foot, sheds the last tangly leg of her tight jeans. She halts with her thumbs poised in the waistband of her scant blue silk panties trying unsuccessfully to mimic her girlfriend's reluctance of the idea...

"As much as the idea repulses me Spam--I'm afraid I have to concur with our Wondrous Wiccan here..." Nicole chimed in, scooching closer to Willow on the couch, as if to peruse the opened Spellbook. "Your safety must outweigh our sense of nausea..."

"Nicky's right, Spammy" the redhead babbled, "we're not sure what effect this 'Trans-dimensional Portal Spell Thingy' will have...you could emerge with your clothes inside-out... or...inside period..." (group shudder).

"Gulp" Sam gulped, "O-O.K. but why do they have to be here?" the brunette nodded in the direction of the other couch supporting Xander, Anya and Andrew. And including in her visual sweep, Giles, who was attempting to focus a video-cam on the two young brunettes poised center-Pentagram on the floor of the Casa Summers living room...

"I--er, um, I may have to tap them for an energy source," Willow fabricated as Nic stared jealously at the lot, softening her glare when she felt their "admission fee" crinkling in her ample cleavage...

"Less talk--more skin!;" Anya voicing everyone's thoughts...

"People, I'm not sure you appreciate the gravity of the situation..." Giles began distractedly--Dawn's fine freckled rack scoffing at gravity as she flipped her hair, rolled her shoulders, and subsequently her bare breasts..."W-We are dealing with a Rogue Scene-Stealer here--I can't possibly imagine anything more dangerous!" he finished; eye meeting nipple thru the zoom close-up lens...

Dawn slipped her panties off and snapped them onto Sam's matted mane. Xander and Andrew both giggling at the "Weird Science" shout-out as Dawn turned her girl around and slowly started disrobing her..."C'mon baby, it's our turn to save the world..."

As Willow started stumbling thru the ancient Sumerian spell, Xander jumped in with his contribution--"Shadow puppets!" he grinned, killing the lights and training 2 frantic blue strobe lights on the tantalizing teens-- a quick cutaway to DJ "M/C Atom Andy" cueing up the old Commodore's standard "Brick House"--and back to our Dynamic Duo, now bumping booty under a festive, rotating mirror ball...

As if watching our nubile nymphs isn't enough of an eyeful (sorry Xander...) we are now dazzled by freaky high-end FX. Blue lightning bolts crackle and surge from the mirror ball knocking the entire audience back in their seats and as Sam sheds her last garment (white French-cut panties w/ little red Valentine hearts...) our buxom brunette beauties disappear in a puff of putrid purple smoke...

"W-W-Where'd they go?" Xander ventured nervously.

"Oh they could be anywhere now," Anya supplied knowingly. "Crazy melty world. Land of Perpetual Wednesday. World w/o Shrimp. Harem girls for the insatiable Sultan Schlong." And since it's always easier to dismiss these two as one-dimensional sex-fiends, I have them exchange a lustful leer and bolt for the nearest bedroom...

"OMG! Check out the geek!" Nic squelched pointing at Andrew who was most definitely going all blurry & swirly.

Swinging the vid-cam around on it's tripod, Giles expounds "Oh my! I'm afraid this can only mean one thing--"

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

BEGIN FLASHBACK

"Hel-lo. Casa Summers residence. Faithful man-servant Andrew speaking...(pause)...~Ein momentos porfay voo~" Covering the mouthpiece, he extends the receiver to Willow, "It's long distance. From L.A.; somebody named Angel...she sounds kind of butch..."

"H-Hello?...(pause)...Buffy's not here right now--she's in Vegas doing the whole lemon & lime sex sandwich thing with Brooke and Lorne...(pause)...Just a minute." She mutes the phone and provides exposition to (both my vast readership and) the cast, who coincidentally appear here much as they did before the elaborate "flashback" segue...

"Angel says the PTB have warned him Spike is on his way to L.A. They set up a "welcoming committee" at the WB lot, but he never showed..." Then back to the phone: "Yes I'm well aware of the disruption and upheaval this could signal; not to mention reduced dialog/screen time and the reassignment to lame secondary story-arcs...(pause)...Scoff if you will, but just out of curiosity, when is your contract up?...(pause)...Any ideas on how to fight this?" She grunts and nods a lot, then hangs up.

Turning to the others; filling in the back-story for those out-of-the-loop characters (and 99.9% of the PopularSlash readers who were busy reading quality fan-fics)--"Remember those minions-for-hire that Evil Overlady Mary Cherry hired in her epic quests to abduct Fair Sam? The Peroxide Coven of Doom? Well one of them is getting a little to big for his britches..er, um, figuratively speaking...and is on a megalomaniacal rampage to take over an entire television network...(pause/off looks)...well, just the WB, but still--"

"Angel says we can track Spike using a talisman of his--like that lighter Buffy stole--I will have to remain behind to cast the spell and keep the travelers grounded...like a kite-string...~Someone~ will have to venture thru a transdimensional portal for the actual physical pursuit..."

All eyes follow Nicole as she sneaks up behind our distracted damsels, kissing and groping obliviously on the opposite couch. "I've got just the volunteers!" Nic offers, breaking the brunettes' concentration (and possibly, their eardrums...) with a loud, shrill air-horn...

END FLASHBACK

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Our two teens drop naked to the ground, all the good parts cleverly/humorously concealed by conveniently located shrubbery (A/N: Pauses to ponder why the WB only shows ~male~ nudity (i.e. Clark & Angel) and only reluctantly allowed two females to kiss (i.e. Tara & Willow)--I'm just saying...) I decide to break that bogus barrier right now by having Sam and Dawn offer us "full-frontal" as they brush wayward grass clippings from their taut bods then come together in a lingering, glad-we-made-it kissfest.

Had they turned around (and given us the complete 360!) they'd have noticed they were standing naked in the back yard of an old 3-story house trimmed with ornate gingerbread lattice-work. They'd have noticed the back door opening sooner, and perhaps have selected a better hiding place than the small herb-garden they dove into. Perhaps Paige Matthews wouldn't have been able to pluck them out as easily as she did that sprig of sage...

Slouching subjectively in the kitchen now, while Paige continues conjuring over her cauldron, well OK, more of a pressure-cooker on the back-burner, but still... their eyes are immediately drawn to Phoebe who enters the room ranting incoherently as usual..."--find some way to shrivel his penis--even further!--in a totally non-male-bashing sort of way..."

"OMG! They're witches!" Dawn gushed with all her childlike exuberance, "Willow would be totally at home here!"

Sam only able to focus on the Halliwell sisters abundant (possibly surgically enhanced) busts threatening to bust thru their scant tube-tops quipped, "Yeah, so would Nicole..."

Piper completes the Power of Three (well 3 1/2) by entering with baby Wyatt. "Oh no! More Nymphs?!?"

"Nymph-Os is more like it" Paige snickers as she conveys the tale of finding them practically "doing it" in the middle of the back yard...

Sam tries desperately to change the subject; to warn them of the imminent peril they are in with the arrival of a certain volatile vampire...

"That sounds like the guy Leo is talking to in the living room," Piper offered, then followed the other 4 brunettes (1 pretending to be a redhead) as they cautiously entered the front room. Spike was standing over Leo, his foot on the coffee-table, his duster still smoldering slightly from the exposure to sunlight.

"White-Lighter eh?" he smirks, lighting a cigarette. "Been there, done that..." he turns as the gaggle (herd? pride?) of brunettes approach. "Bloody Hell! Again w/ the witches!"

"OMG! That's him!" Sam squeals. She follows Spike as he bolts thru the front door, only to get caught in Piper's "freeze-frame" spell. Probably just as well, because 2 more steps and she would've been "Ka-Bloomed!" by one of Paige's fireballs. The Halliwells scan up and down the street to no avail; while Dawn takes a few indecent liberties with her (literally) statuesque girlfriend... She's just getting to the good parts when they are sucked up into the vortex and once again deposited unceremoniously naked in somebody's yard...For the more scientifically-inclined among you, the vortex looks a tad like Dr. Evil's swirly "Time Machine" backdrop, with our two nude heroines splattered on it limbs akimbo ...

"Grrr, I don't care if he is my brother, Matt is still a dog!" Lucy Camden sighed as she spotted what were obviously two of his latest cast-off conquests not even allowed the dignity of leaving with their clothes on...Well, she could probably find something for them to wear--possibly some of the sensibly-risqué threads she'd vogued in her wanton, rebellious years, before she settled into her button-down, matronly, engaged woman role at the ripe old age of 18...if not, she was sure Mary had some spare Hooker-wear (TM-Cordelia Chase). The minister-in-training manages to coax our girls out from the shrubbery they'd dove into, nano-seconds before they would've backpedaled onto Simon's battered, hastily-hidden corpse-- complete w/ trademark savage neck wound...Lucy slipped them in thru the kitchen; all three girls unaware of Ruthie cowering in the treehouse above them, petrified with fear.

Lucy was attempting to shoo our brunettes up the back stairs, pretending not to notice their ripe, round little rumps (as if...) when the threads of conversation waft in from the living room--

"They put it in me Rev. Camden--This Spark; This...~soul~. Bloody Hell--pardon my French--but it burns!"

Our girls instantly recognizing the voice, Sam is The First to burst thru the door; promptly tripping over Happy the dog--or one of the twins, kind of hard to distinguish...

"Bollocks!" Spike groans, scrambling out the front door. Sam manages to raise up just in time to trip Dawn as she flies thru the doorway; a cascade of hair and heinys...

"Come back here you weasel!" Sam bellows as both girls regain their footing and dash thru the front door in hot pursuit. Just in time to collide with Annie Camden carrying the first of many bags of groceries into the house. She catches the fleetingest glimpse of our brunettes' bouncing bare backsides and storms into the house to cross- examine Eric on "what needs exactly were you ministering to?" and "Fine--have another heart-attack!"

Freeze-frame our two vivacious vixens in mid-stride: hair and breasts in mid-bounce/arms and legs in mid- pump...Spin this image in an ever-increasing counter-clockwise swirl. Either my "meds" are kicking in, or our heroic hotties have once again been sucked up into the vortex--This time the "Trans-Dimensional Portal Thingy" parts the cloud cover in classic Monty Pythony fashion just above the tree-tops. Our girls plummet thru the "Hole in the Sky" (Yo Ozzy!), flailing in slo-mo, to plop undignified to earth. The clouds zip closed as our girls scan their latest locale--a quaint New Englandy B & B...They venture up the steps and enter the inn.

Spike is just shaking off his game-face, licking the last drops of blood from his fangs; savoring the flavor. He addresses the two young girls in school-girl uniforms as they stare down at the crumpled brunette on the floor--

"Sorry Rory...I've killed lots of people's mothers--" he aborts when he spots Sam and Dawn's approach, and dives thru the nearest window. Our Girls too shocked at the sight of the dead woman to give chase. Only the voices of the two local girls anchoring them to this dismal display.

"Yes. It's an emergency." the blonde managed to breathe into her cell-phone.

"911? An ambulance?" Rory ventured entirely w/o hope...

"Duh! Stars Hollow Carpet Cleaners," Paris supplied insensitively, "I mean, if we don't act fast, you're never going to get that stain out..."

Sam & Dawn both roll their eyes at the callousness, then--

Dawn: "You know...she reminds me, of your friend--" and simultaneously--

Sam: "Hey you know who she'd be perfect for--"

Both: "--Harrison!"

They start off at a leisurely pace down the sidewalk towards town--knowing their destination is entirely out of their hands--but figure that's as good of direction as any...

"That would be so cool!" Dawn began enthusiastically, "we could just snag babes out of all these alternate universes --like Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure!" "Um, Dawn, they abducted famous figures from the past as part of a school history report..."

"Really?" Dawn frowns, "what a waste of power..."

Sam just smirked at her girlfriend, abandoning herself totally to the "ludicrousness" of the situation; ignoring the slack-jawed stares of the Star Hollow bumpkins as they ogled the naked newcomers...Miss Patty watching the girls turn into the hardware-store-cum-coffee-shop as she enjoys a smoke on her porch--

"Damn Lorelei Gilmore started all this! Now the town's overran with wanton teenage sluts!" (Soon to become the official motto of the Star's Hollow Tourist Board...)

Our Girls' precious posteriors make undignified noises as they settle on the vinyl stools at the counter. Just as Sam is ordering 2 large lattes, they catch a glimpse of their quarry thru the pass-thru kitchen window. Luke taking his bi-monthly day off to shave and wash his baseball cap has left Sookie in charge of the kitchen. Our girls burst in on Spike wielding a carving knife--

"...and ~Voila!~ A delicious flowery onion thingy-- Oh Bugger All!" Spike snaps Sookie's neck and crashes thru the back door as her limp form falls face first into the boiling oil of the deep fryer...Sam and Dawn stepping squeamishly over her twitching legs, Dawn hesitantly pulling her out and letting her fall to the floor--"Damn, just like the Doublemeat Palace..." Of course the door that led to the alley for Spike, led straight into the vortex for our sexy supernauts...Meanwhile, back in Sunnydale--

Zoom in on a close-up of Willow's face: bathed in a sheen of perspiration, her eyelids fluttering over dreamy, unfocused eyes. Her glistening lips parted, emitting various gasps and groans. Her head thrashes, her body shudders and she collapses in slow-motion back onto a sea of pillows, her soft, crimson hair cascading in luxurious waves. No silly, it is ~not~ the throes of a multiple orgasm--just a...really... intense...spell. And panning back to include Nicole working a series of kisses up the Wiccan's taut tummy, her finger's lingering in Willow's lap, one can only think about two girls doing a spell together...

Unfortunately, this disruption in The Force causes some minor problems for our "astral projectileese". The two young brunettes being bounced like a yo-yo in and out of several realities in stattaco progression...

Somewhere in Kansas--Sam is jealously scoping out the High School Newspaper office while Dawn is scoping out it's ace blonde reporter--Spike pacing in mid-rant in front of Chloe's desk: "--if I didn't have this bloody chip in my head, I'd show that Clark Kent a thing or two!" And as an attractive brunette enters-- "Hey Lana, fancy a shag?"

Then landing momentarily in Massachusetts to catch the tail end of another tortured tirade--"Argh! Again with the bloody witches!" Dawn barely has time to squeal delightedly at Salem--"Look! A talking cat!" when they are wondrously whisked away again...

Willow's mystical life-line to them momentarily severed as Nicole kneels above her and seductively slips her white cashmere sweater up over her head...Then straddling the redhead's naked torso, she begins a slow grind of her hips against the Wiccan's tummy using Willow's small-but- attractive champagne-glass breasts for support. Willow frantically concentrating on unbuttoning the blonde's pesky short black skirt finally resorting to her infamous "Fiat Nookie!" spell which dispatches Nic's skirt and panties to points unknown (actually they landed on my face while I was typing this--but that's another story...)

With Xander and Anya still otherwise occupied, and now these two "making like minx" right in front of them, Giles and Andrew begin feeling a tad awkward..."Want to play Dragonball Z?"

"I should think rather not..."

"How about a blow-job?"

"Right. Off we go--"

"SSSSSSSSShhhhhhhheeeeeeeeiiiiiittttttt!!!!!!!" our buxom brunettes bellow; they suddenly appear to be futilely attempting to swim in mid-air. Crashing to earth with only reeds and shallow water breaking their descent. Both girls bobbing to the surface, wet hair plastered against glistening faces, shoulders, chests. They are approached by an abnormally large-headed, Abercrombie & Fitch model in a battered rowboat...

"Beauty triple-gainer--lost some points on the entry tho--" he offered, along with an extended oar to reel them in.

"OMG!" Sam sputtered, "It's the Dawson!"

"Wait--You really watch that show?" Dawn challenges as she helps boost Sam's bare buttocks into the boat.

"Sure! For Joey--that bitch is ~Too Fine!~" And obviously finding a like-minded comrade in the leering Leery--"So...did you ever get to 3rd base with her?"

"Well, this one time--" Dawn tried to phase them out, internalizing her sudden jealous feelings, as the Easter Island native rowed his boat ashore (Hallelujah!), drooling at his "catch of the day".

"Look!" Sam gestured, "Starboard--er, um, eleven o'clock --ack!--Over there!" Under the boughs of a shade tree, but still being slowly engulfed by twilight: A morose, disheveled young man is twirling idly in a tire swing, listening to the foul diatribe being spewed by the gesturing, struting figure in a leather duster-- "C'mon Pacey--she doesn't love you..."

Our brown-haired boatniks jump ship as the dinghy approaches the weathered dock. Rushing to shore; knowing no matter how hard they try, they will once again be jerked into the vortex before they can snag the elusive Englishman. Except it didn't happen this time--obviously a flux in Willow's spell...The girls stopped just short of arm's length, panting and gasping from exertion, confused; having never thought out ~this~ part of the plan--

Dawson and Pacey retreat to a safe distance, but still close enough to enjoy our two teens heaving chests, and overhear at least part of the exchange--

"Oh come on Little Bit--you're not still upset about that little misunderstanding I had w/ Big Sis are you? B-Besides--she wanted it too--did you see what she was wearing!?!"

"She just got out of the shower you psycho!" Dawn fumed, getting visibly agitated.

"Argh!" Sam interjected, "Bullshit Spike! That defense didn't even hold merit way back when you were alive--a woman should be able to wear whatever she wants!" The brunette wishing she could send this pompous poof to a week of Sgt. Rock Glass' "Sensitivity Training" Booty Camp...But Sammy's on a roll now; you can always tell by that agitated, articulate sputter--"Wh--wh--w--wh--wh--whh--"

While Spike is however unintentionally distracted by Sam's incoherent rant, Dawn explores a nearby boathouse. Spike is still staring at the flustered journalist, just getting ready to light another ciggy, when he notices the fumes from the can of gasoline Dawn has just poured all around him--

"Hey Spike, remember when I told you you'd wake up on fire? Well...rise and shine..."

"Bloody Hell!"

The "Whooosh!" of Spike's narrow escape barely beating the "Whooosh!" of the colorful fireball. Realizing they just set Jen's grandmother's tree on fire, Dawson suggests they beat a hasty retreat to Joey's...Sam and Dawn's moods heading to polar opposite ends of the spectrum as they approach the porch, then "Whooosh!" --S*cked into the F*cking vortex...again--leaving a bewildered (and horny) Pacey and Dawson to stare briefly at one another, before racing each other inside to claim Joey...

Nicole slowly raises from the choice seating of Willow's chin. Totally spent, she repositions herself beside the exhausted redhead; cuddling, cooing soft words of gratitude as she kisses away her own residual musk. The Wiccan breaking into one of her huge, goofy grins, as she returns the smoochies...vaguely remembering something else she was supposed to be concentrating on...

Naked teenage girls are a common sight on every New York City street corner so Sam and Dawn didn't raise any eyebrows (yeah...) when they suddenly materialized just in time to see Spike enter a high-rise apartment building. They waited in the lobby, stretching/posing for the friendly doorman's benefit as they watched which floor the elevator stopped on. Riding to the floor below--then sneaking up the last flight of stairs --they peered out the door to see their Peroxided Prey chatting up an adorable brunette teen resident--

"Hey Little Bit...Is Val home? No? Still at the office then..." He didn't seem that anxious to leave--as if he had some time, and possibly a teenager, to kill...the following events happening pretty much simultaneously--

a) Holly Tyler spills her entire "Supergulp" down the front of her new gray sweatpants/pale pink tank-top when she attempts to block/lock the door as--

b) William the Bloody attempts to huff and puff and overact his way in. Then hightails it when he spots--

c) Sam McPherson and Dawn Summers stumbling over each other as they crash into the hallway to stave another senseless slaughter...(Lauren was bad enough, but Amanda is ~prime~!)

"Oh. My. Goddess!" Holly hyperventilates, "Dawn and Cynical Sam! I love you guys! Gary and I just had a "Spam and Umad" marathon last weekend! Your show has ~changed~ my life! The Super-Heroic adventures! The whole Sappho-Sisterhood Life-style! You guys Rock!"

The bubbly brunette continues to babble as she motions our girls inside, making them comfortable; offering refreshments (Fruitopia? Val's Meatella on stone-ground kelp? Holly sure as f*ck wasn't going to eat any of that crap...) "W-w-would you guys mind? Signing it, I mean" Holly flipped Sam the Deluxe Season 2 Collector's Edition DVD Box-set of "The League of Extraordinary Hotties". Our Girls eagerly perusing the Viewer's Guide to their AU Counterparts Amazing Adventures!--

"When not battling super-villains such as HanNicole Lector and The Black Cherry Canary, our Fab Foursome can be found lounging seductively around their state-of-the-art Computerized Command Center: Willow (the Brainy One) and Nicole (the Bitchy One); And weekly putting themselves directly in Harm's Way "to help the hopeless": Cynical Sam (the Cynical One) and Dawn (the Whiney One)"

"Say What?!?" Dawn grabs the scandalous literature in (self)righteous indignation...

"Ooops!" Holly suddenly remembering the spilt soda which has subsequently converted her casual attire into a cold, clingy outfit of outlines...

"So what are you guys doing here anyway?" the effervescent teen asks as she nonchalantly peels the soiled tank-top off over her head.

"We're in pursuit of a Rogue Scene-Stealer--" Sam attempted, only to be interrupted by her sidekick--

"And--We're auditioning Potential Apprentices!" Dawn fabricated, nodding frantically for Sam to notice Holly's Beautific Baby-fat Backside as the teen turned and slowly rolled her sweats down over her ripe round little rump..."W-w-wh--wh--wha--whoa" (etc. Mission Accomplished.)

"That would be so Awesome!" Holly squealed as she returned from the kitchen, lightly rubbing her taut torso with a large, soapy wet sponge..."But, you guys know I'm only 16 right? So I mean any intimate contact between us would have to be merely alluded to in tasteful off-screen scenarios..."

"Seems like only yesterday..." Dawn sighed/reminisced.

"Wh-wh-w-w-well, I believe that room is off-stage!" Sam began; Our Girls finally in complete agreement on the Babe-Factor Issue...when Val Tyler chose this totally inopportune moment to arrive home from the office. More upset by the state of the apartment, than finding her kid sister naked with 2 complete strangers, she launched into another infamous "I-have-to-do-everything-around-here" rant. Which still hadn't ended when her bedroom door slammed.

Sam and Dawn commiserated intuitively with the forlorn, pouting teenager--a true kindred spirit; stifled by an over-bearing blonde sister! (And you just ~know~she was a cheerleader too...) They officially welcomed her with their secret initiation ceremony which was equal parts "ring-around-the-rosie" and "One of Us!" point-and-chants straight from the Pinheads in Tod Browning's "Freaks"...

Val stormed back in for Round Two which Sam had to squelch immediately with her trademark "Defiant Pose" (Arms folded across chest/Brows knitted/Chin jutted/Tongue testing the limits of cheeks and lips...)--

"Look Blondie--" (Oh yeah, that felt good!) "Your little sister here was about 5 seconds away from becoming a "Chick McNugget". My partner and I are in pursuit of a Homicidal HST from an Alternate Dimension with the power to totally obliterate your precious "life-as-you-know-it"! Now you can either co-operate or Get Out of the Way..."

"Psssst, Sam-a-lamb, are you coming?" Dawn leaned back in to gather her seething sappho-lifemate-- Sam realizing the others had already started for Val's office before she'd even got up a good head of steam ..."Poop."

The gorgeous blonde got more than her fair share of attracted glances as she led the three naked brunettes thru the subway; thru the lobby; and finally thru her deserted office...

"See?" Val ventured, "Nobody here..."

"OMG! Sam, Look!" All eyes caught the fleeting glimpse of a "formidable" female blonde figure disappearing into the back stairwell. "It's her! That Evil Overlady!"

"M-M-Mary Cherry? Here?" Sam puzzled.

"That's just "Lauren from the Chicago Office"," Val offered, "We all go out occasionally for drinks after work..." Then cupping her hands she yells to the parting figure--"Jell-O Shots! WooHoo!"

"WooHoo!" came either an echo or a response...

Our Girls peered down the darkened stairwell, dreading the inevitable pursuit. Kelly--er, um, Val offered Dawn a Mag-lite she kept in her desk for the occasional NYC brown-outs...

"You take it," Dawn tossed the flashlight to Sam, "you're the Scully." The Sunnydale girl grabbing a conveniently located mop and breaking the handle for a crude stake...A collective gulp, and our heroines begin their descent into darkness.

Holly flashes a furtive glance back to Val--"Sorry Sis; I've got to...It's for Brunette's everywhere!" Val gives a stoic nod to the misguided moppet, as Holly follows her heroines; the trio "groping" their way in the dark...The tiny penlight arcs to reveal the 3 girls' frightened faces, then swings a little lower for what we all really want to see...unfortunately Sam finds the flashlight's "off" switch just as she mutters--

"Hey! This could be one of those "alluded to, steamy, erotic off-screen moments"..."

"Bring It!" came a gleeful chorus.

Several hours later--

"Are you sure she came down this far? There aren't even any doors anymore..."

"This can't be Val's office building--I don't even think we're still in New York...unless it's like "Old New York" from Futurama..."

"The kid's right Sam-a-lamb," Dawn offered (rejoicing in the fact she could call someone else "the kid") "This place has got a definite "Resident Evil" wiggins." Sam swept the light at their surrounds, the tiled stairwell having long ago gave way to crude stone steps "hewn from the living rock" (Yo Spinal Tap!) proceeding ever further into dank, drippy darkness...

"W-w-wait!" Sam's hyper-deductive mind in action, "You don't think ~my~ Mary Cherry is harboring ~your~ Spike do you--possibly in a secret underground lair?!?"

"Hel-looo?" Holly annoyingly knocks on Sam's forehead, "Do you guys even read these scripts?" Working off of Sam's painful/confused wince and Dawn's apathetic shrug, she continues (a true fan; every episode committed to memory)--"OK--As far back as "Spam & Umad #5: Rosemary Cherry's Baby!" our Blonde Antagonists have shown both a shady alliance, and penchant for lavish subterranean digs...Eppy 9 "Something Bad" (a.k.a. "A Spam and Umad Xmas!") is pivotal! Our, um--Your Arch-nemeses (plural?) actually consummate their delusional desires with Hot, Hetero Sex (Ewww! *group shudder*) substituting each other for the objects of their true fixations--Sam and Buffy! The Slayer manages to seal them into what is later revealed to be a huge underground labyrinth--Finally in "Devour This!" (S&U #10--the ~Worst Episode Ever!~) the Blondie Bears open an ancient stone obelisk and unleash a horde of rabid Turok Han vampires eager to do their Evil Overlady's diabolical deeds!--A lot of folks claim this is when "Spam and Umad" jumped the shark--personally, I blame Snarlsnout for turning the reigns over to Marti Noxon..." (A/N: ~I~ heard they were sleeping together at the time...)

Sam remains dumbfounded ("Mary Cherry wants Buffy?"); Dawn contemplates all she's heard--"You know, all this does sound vaguely familiar..."

"Sshhhh" Holly whispered, "there's somebody down there." Our hotties hunker down to eavesdrop on the post-coital couple--

"~Will-yum~" Mary Cherry shyly drawls, "Ah know y'all aren't Joe--Or my sweet, sexy Sammygurl!--"(Sam: "Gulp!") "But Ah want y'all to have this heah Promise Ring..."

Spike slipped it on, admiring the expensive bauble, figuring he could hock it for blood and smokes after he ditched this latest ersatz Buffy, but as always, the gift came with a price--

"C'mon Sammygurl! Give it up fer Momma!" Spike rolled both his eyes, and Mary Cherry's horny form back on to his duster. Mounting her, he managed to wriggle her sweater up over her face on the pretense of suckling at her ample breasts. This left just a spray of long shimmering blonde hair exposed--enough that he could (Thank God!) begin to fantasize..."Oh Buffy!"

"H-haylp!" a muffled MC weakly protests, "Y'all--Ah cain't breathe in heah...*kack*"

"OMG! He's killing her!"

"Sam! Wait!" Too late; our headstrong heroine rushes to the rescue only to trip on an odd rock out-cropping and plummet forward, the darkened flashlight finding it's way directly into Spike's pumping posterior--

"Bloody Hell!"

As Sam futilely struggles to remove the sole source of light, she and her co-horts become vaguely aware of a greater concern--2000 head of Turok Han climbing up out of the bowels of the earth...and probably not to sell Girl Scout cookies...

"Run!" Dawn screamed, pushing Holly back in the direction of the stairs, then bravely diving into the fray, broken mop-handle stabbin' and slabbin'...Holly wasn't having any of that; she'd "came to play" and grabbing a dropped Turok Han sword, got Dawn's back...

A rather agitated Englishman had managed to withdraw and stand, desperately swatting at Sam, who was twisting and tugging mercilessly at the embedded flashlight. She must've hit the "on" switch, because suddenly Spike froze, shafts of light escaping from every orifice. The Turok Han recoiling in morbid horror as a few of their closer comrades burst into flame and dust...

"BUF-FY!" the rigid vampire wailed; the light intensifying, beams shooting out from his eyes, ears, nose etc. dusting the panicking Turok Han in a festival of carnage...

We pan momentarily to Dawn and Holly because--well, hey: disheveled hair, tensed muscles, sweat glistening nubile nekkid bodies in full-on Action Girl poses...

Then reluctantly back to Mary Cherry who is attempting to remove the Promise Ring. We get a dramatic close-up of their hands bursting into flames which one assumes was supposed to convey their burning, all-consuming passion but was in reality just the gasoline Dawn had doused Spike with earlier...

The air thick with smoke, Turok Han confetti and howls of anguish from all concerned. The ground begins to rumble; the walls begin to crumble. Mary Cherry finally retrieves her ring (albeit with finger...). Spike throws his head back to bellow in pain, but instead sends a radiant shaft of light straight up into the collapsing stairwell.

Mary Cherry makes a mad dash for the surface. Sam has to make several attempts to pry Dawn and Holly away from the devastating destruction they were wreaking on The Enemy Horde (like a virtual reality video game!). Clawing their way thru the rubble towards the faintest shaft of sunlight, they surface in the backlot of The WB Television Network in downtown Burbank...Mary Cherry's limo skitters by and all three brunettes dive onto the trunklid, clutching for dear life as the studios and soundstages behind them are sucked one after another into a gigantic gaping abyss...MC instructs the chauffer to "Shake off the Klingons and head for Dallas!". Our Girls have barely skidded to a halt in a drainage ditch (completing Joyce's prophesy?) when they are sucked up into the vortex a final time...the return flight a tad wobbly due to the extra passenger...

Unheeded by any of the other inhabitants at Revello Drive, Giles distractedly picks up the ringing phone--"S-Summers residence...Huh? Sucked into the Earth?" and as the receiver falls "Yes! Suck! Suck!"...

Nicole and Willow have just repositioned themselves for some serious spell-casting (known in some arcane circles as "the alignment of 6 and 9") when the lights flicker; the strobe lights and ancient Disco soundtrack resume pulsating, the mirrorball crackles and sparks before exploding and tinkling to the floor...As the smoke slowly clears, the five naked girls eye each other cautiously...

"W-w-well...it ~looks~ like my house," Dawn ventured skeptically, considering all they'd been thru...

"OMG!" Nicole gleamed, "My little Munchkin has come home to me at last!" Engulfing Dawn in a tight, cleavagey-grinding bear-hug...Willow picking up on the unique opportunity immediately, rushes over to plaster Sam's beautiful, baffled face with sweet, slobbery smoochies..."B-Baby, You're back!"

"W-w-wait...You and me...?"

"Yep!" Will confirms, "We're friends--Girlfriends! --We're Lesbian Lovers! Always ready to do the dirty deed..." she concludes with that irresistible goofy, self-satisfied grin...

But our tender teens are not as naive/gullible as these two imagine them; Dawn winks at Sam as they proceed to seduce their seductors (or something ...) Sam vigorously kneading the redhead's ripe round little rump as she nibbles and pants in her ear-- "Oh Goddess Baby! Yes! Yes! Slaying makes...~Me So Horny~!" Dawn's sultry slurrings buried, along with her face, in Nicole's ample cleavage...And yet both girls simultaneously glimpse their saddened, fellow astral acrobat, Holly--rudely extirpated from her own realm, like a trophy...spoils...(dare we say--) booty of the battle. And now abandoned shamefully at the first promise of promiscuity...

"Sorry Satan," Dawn smiled, kissing the slack-jawed blonde on the cheek; honking her huge hooters. "it's a Brown Thang--you just wouldn't understand..."

Sam and Dawn rush open-armed to embrace Poor Pouty Holly; the three of them soon bouncing up and down in a hysterical, happy hugfest. They pause, take a step back and then all jump in a simultaneous belly bump (just like Teletubbies!) squealing--"Brunettes Kick Ass!"

Xander and Anya enter just in time for the impromptu celebration, and both immediately "re-aroused" by the giggly, jiggly spectacle make an immediate U-turn...

Willow glances over to Nicole with a "Well, it was worth a shot" expression; the blonde just shrugs and decides to resume the earlier "spell-casting" she'd been enjoying with the ravenous redhead...

Somewhere, down the coast, a "Touchstone Pictures" sign teeters precariously, then falls into the newly-formed chasm, nailing Ryan Murphy on the noggin... He is helped to his feet by a dashing blonde figure in a battered leather duster--

"Mind your head there Guv--Say RM...I've been thinking of starring in a kind of gay, campy high-school romp --you know, kicky soundtrack, lots of shaggable birds-- ...Have your people call my people--we'll do lunch..."

TBC? (Is there a tale left to tell?)

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Bonus scene only available on director's cut & THe Realm-

Picture Link!!! - OT3