TITLE: Nip/Tab

SERIES: Spam & Umad # 13 (BVS/Popular X-Over AU)

AUTHOR/FB/E-Mail: Snarlsnout@yahoo.com (The Bloody Awful Fan-Fictionist...)

DATE: Sept-Oct 2003

PAIRING/RATING: Sam/Dawn (and Holly!); Nicole/Willow; Brooke/Buffy/Lorne (I know...) 3-Way; "R" is usually safe (rude but not PWP); (as) sorted Mary Cherry action...

DISCLAIMERS: Ryan Murphy et al (Popular & Nip/Tuck) Joss Whedon et al (Buffy) TRP et al (for WILAY's Holly Tyler)

SPOILERS: Assuming we've all seen S6 BVS's "Tabula Rasa" and S5's "Out of my Mind"; General "Popular" knowledge.

A/N: Like the infinite cosmos itself, my A.U. is constantly expanding. All you need to know about Ryan Murphy's new series "Nip/Tuck" is that it involves 2 cosmetic surgeons--Sean McNamara (disenchanted family man) and  Christian Troy (sleazy womanizer w/ a heart of greed). All you need to know about "What I Like About You" is Holly Tyler is portrayed by "Jailbait Extraordinaire" Amanda Bynes--and thanks to it's recent re_tool_ing, it will soon be joining "Popular" and "Buffy" in the WB's dumpster. *grumble*

Previously on Spam & Umad--

Episode #12 (Everywhere You Want to Be) ended with those two insatiable horn-dogs Nic & Willow attempting to take advantage of a confused, jet-lagged, parallel-universes-bouncing Sam and Dawn. Who in turn were attempting to take advantage of Holly Tyler, a "souvenir" they'd absconded with during one of their recent reality-hops. Meanwhile, a wounded and embarrassed Spike had been sucked into the giant abyss that had "devoured from beneath" much of "The WB" Network's back-lot studios and sound-stages. Clawing thru the rubble he happened upon "Producer Extraordinaire" Ryan Murphy, to whom he immediately began sucking-up in the hopes of landing a starring gig in a future RM series... From the transcript--

Somewhere, down the coast, a "Touchstone Pictures" sign teeters precariously, then falls into the newly-formed chasm, nailing Ryan Murphy on the noggin... He is helped to his feet by a dashing blonde figure in a battered leather duster--

"Mind your head there Guv--Say RM...I've been thinking of starring in a kind of gay, campy high-school romp --you know, kicky soundtrack, lots of shaggable birds-- ...Have your people call my people--we'll do lunch..."

Now, on with the show--

Ryan Murphy used his palm to apply pressure to a profusely bleeding scalp wound...Of all days to meet with those brain-dead WB execs about his "Popular" cliff-hanger movie...Now, here he was being bombarded by this insensitive, self-centered poof's "sterling resume"...

"My God man! You're injured--look at your hand!" Ryan croaked, horrified by the bloody stump of Spike's ring finger (which Mary Cherry had inadvertently "extracted", along with her pricey Promise Ring).

"Huh? Oh." Spike acknowledged, and unable to resist the tempting free meal began sucking on the wound..."Not nearly as painful as having a bloody Maglite (TM) lodged up your bum;" he over-shared w/ RM as he flipped his dusty duster back to reveal Sam's metal flashlight protruding from his posterior.

"H-h-here..." RM fumbled a card out of his wallet, desperate to distance himself ASAP. "See these guys--plastic, er, um ~cosmetic~ surgeons. They're miracle workers..." He breathed a sigh of relief as Spike waddled off into the cover of wind-blown dust particles...

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Brooke was basking "in the warm California sun" as she sat on the front steps of The Palace, replaying the mental images of her recent, ultra-orgasmic week in Vegas with Buffy and Lorne. Kissing and fondling the other blonde as they repeatedly swapped places--one sitting for a while on Lorne's "precisely pointed" nose and chin, while the other sat (none too motionless) on his Jolly Green Giant (TM). She vaguely wondered why (most) human males didn't have "actual pleasure nodules" and 4 testicles...And don't even get her started on that incredibly powerful, resourceful, elongated tongue-- and Lorne's wasn't bad either...) She was seriously considering confiding her feelings about that last night to Nic, when it had been just her and that other anorexic blonde girl--Lorne having abandoned them at the drop of a hat--well, more like the drop of that male Liza impersonator's feathery boa...

"Maybe Nic was on to something with ~the whole carpet-munching thing~..." Brooke pondered as her eyes slowly focused on the Julian family Jaguar now pulling to the curb. Four girls exited; four doors slammed. Followed by the trunk lid, after Nicole hurled 2 hastily packed knapsacks at the 3 brunettes, all screaming incoherently as the luggage explodes, flinging rumpled undies and casual wear all over the well-manicured lawn. The screech of tires shakes Brooke from her catatonic dream-state, as she wisely dives for cover...

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"OMG! Spikey thank you! I mean, it's not France, but Miami's nice--the nightclubs, the beach, the sun--uh, nevermind..." Harmony babbled as she followed Spike into the surgeon's office fiddling with the crossbow.

"Harm, you stupid cow," Spike scowled as he snatched up Dr. Sean McNamara by the scruff of the neck and steered him into the operating room. "For the last time: We are here on business--Doc here is going to replace my missing digit, remove this soddin' flashlight--and while we're at it, have another go at this bloody government chip!"

The dejected blonde girl slouched against the instrument cabinet, lit a cigarette and pouted. Spike wiggled around on the operating table until he found a comfortable position and smiled up at the trembling surgeon...

"Christian! Thank God!" Dr. Sean muttered as his college Dr. Troy entered. "We-we have a new patient...requesting immediate attention..."

"I can see why," Dr. Troy schmoozed to Harmony as he placed a finger under her chin, tilting her head back; turning it side to side..."I'm thinking as much collagen as possible to the lips--and I'd like to take this rack up at least 4 cup sizes..." Harmony defensively switched to game-face as the sleazy surgeon groped her already-adequate breasts. "Whoa!" Christian recoiled, "now that forehead will need some major reconstruction!"

"Th-th-this is the patient Tro--" Dr. Sean managed before the arrow pierced his throat.

"Oops! String was slippy." Harm embarrassedly apologized.

"Well," Spike summed up, "Looks like we have some donor parts! C'mon Doc! There's a certain couple of meddling little brunette bints I'm eager to see!" Spike sneered as he imagined the tortures he'd soon be able to inflict on our Dynamic Duo.

"This might not be too bad..." Dr. Troy observed as he moved into position, "your previous doctor has outfitted you with a cranial screw-top...very nice work..." (Oh c'mon! Cranial Screwtop. Steve Martin's "Man with 2 Brains". It's a classic...Cretins...nevermind *sigh*.)

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

On one snow-white, feather-soft pillow lay a wild spray of henna-tinted brunette luxuriance; on the other an equally attractive fan of thick chestnut brown mane, highlighted with strands of honey-gold. Holly and Dawn reluctantly awoke at the same time, and exchanged sweet, satisfied smiles. Still groggy they converged for a good-morning kiss, their sensuous lips meeting Sam's stinky left foot that was tangled in their luminous locks. They recoiled, then grinned, then sat up and pulled the covers up off their feet to reveal a snoring Sam McPherson sandwiched between them. They continued pulling the covers up eagerly taking in more of the view as Sam was wont to sleep on her belly. Nude. Both girls basking in the wonder of Sam's ripe, round little rump. The slightly older brunette denying them the show as she thrashed violently in her sleep...

"OMG! What's wrong?!?" Holly whispered pleadingly to Dawn.

"She has this recurring dream--it's like an epic battle between the forces of Darkness and Light. Blonde vs. Brunette in the Ultimate Smackdown!...At first I was ready to chalk it up to paranoia and low self-esteem--but my sister Buffy's like so the prophecy girl...I tend to give these things some credence--and bonus wiggins points..."

"Aww, poor baby!" Holly cooed, "besides, everyone knows-- "Brunettes Kick Ass!"."

"Speaking of ass..." Dawn waggled her eyebrows, as both girls' gazes returned to Sam's deliciously dimpled derriere...

Later, over breakfast--

"Holly we totally understand about you needing to get back to your sister...but you really haven't experienced Sammyland until you suffer thru a day at Kennedy High!"

"Eh." Holly shrugged, "How bad can it be...?"

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Anya and Buffy walk down the hall of the house on Revello Drive, bickering about "which one of them actually invited that annoying Andrew person to move in anyway"...They pause outside Willow's door and observe the redhead blubbering pathetically on her bed...They move in cautiously to console her.

"I'm bad!" Willow wails, "I'm a bad, bad girlfriend..."

Both blondes breathe a sigh of relief...because, you know, when Willow insists she's bad, there's usually cause for concern (and/or widespread panic)

"I-I-I thought Nickie was serious about making a play for Dawnie--that's the only reason I hit on Sam!" the sorceress sniffled. "Well that, and her oral fixation..."

"Oh!" Buffy joined in animatedly, "and don't forget those eyes! You could drown in those big, brown Bambi eyes! My God those are some good eyes...to have...2 of..."

"She has an attractively proportioned torso as well," Anya nodded and smiled.

"So to recap--your girlfriend thinks you're a skanky ho?"

"If only there was a way to make her forget it happened..." Willow pondered mischievously.

"Oh no you don't!" The Slayer scolded knowingly, "Remember what happened last time!?!"

"Yeah...?"

"Well? So obviously it didn't work!" Anya concludes.

The redhead gives them the brush-off with her "Brave Little Toaster" front, closes the door behind them, and uncovers her secreted stash of Lethe's Bramble and Oz's old bong...

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

All the males (and 2/3rds of the females) in Bobbi Glass' 4th period Chem class salivate and stare as Holly sits, crosses her long slender legs, and attempts to wriggle her scandalously short skirt down over her hips.

"Damn Sam," Harrison mutters to himself as much as to deskmate Emory, "if she keeps snagging all the hotties there won't be ~any~ left for me!"

Peeking in thru the small window in the door, Spike and Harmony observe their targets--that pesky journalist flanked on either side by her harem-slash-entourage... Feeling emboldened by their recent "corrective" surgeries  they'd planned to just slip in and "do them" in front of the entire class...School Hard kiddies! Spike momentarily panics when he sees Mary Cherry (idly blowing spitwads in the back of Carmen's hair) Harmony questions his commitment (and by extension, his manhood) until she also recognizes their former partner in their recent "Peroxide Coven of Doom" capers.. ."Change'o'plans BlondieBear! Let's just "do" all of them--once and for all!"

The element of surprise is lost as Nicole appears behind them and shoves them both into the classroom. "Out of the way spaz! Special Ed is three doors down. Obviously only someone "challenged" would find that an acceptable bleach-job."

Spike is no doubt on the verge of some haughty retort when he, along with the entire class, faint dead away... At this precise moment, in Sunnydale, Willow reluctantly expels a huge puff of smoke ("Dude.") and begins to chant--

"For Nicky and Sammy I do toke
Lethe's Bramble's majic smoke.
Purge their minds of memories past,
Like me trying to pounce Sammy's ass."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Due to budget cutbacks (and Mr. Vincent rerouting school funds to the fall production of "Silence of the Lambs: The Musical!") Kennedy High's fire alarms and sprinkler systems have been subterfugely severed. The lingering smoke cloud enters unheeded thru the ventilation system...As the fog dissipates we find Nicole seated, filing her nails as she patiently watches her classmates begin to stir...A quick peek into her desk drawer as she monitors a crystal turning completely black...

Harmony awakens to find a smitten Sugar Daddy staring longingly at her luscious lips; Harrison drooling unabashedly at the sight of her New! Improved! 48DDD bustline...

Spike is lulled into consciousness by a strange "clicking" noise which he soon discovers is a leering, love-struck Bobbi Glass attempting to connect their matching metal fingers (to start with...) in a H. R. Gigerish bio-mechanical lustfest... "Bloody Hell!", as eye-contact is made, then avoided, with the sexually-ambiguous Biology teacher; biting her bottom lip, coquettishly batting her lashes...

Dawn and Holly awake under the desk engulfed in each other's arms; hands wandering every which way...

"Hey..." Holly purrs seductively.

"Hey back at ya..." Dawn wantonly flirts.

Both brunette's gazes fall on Sam still snoozing with a Chemistry book riding the rise and fall of her slumbering breaths. They read the title as Holly removes the book and both girls return their focus to Sam's fine form--

"I think we're in a High School Chemistry class..." Dawn ventures, as Holly finishes, "...and we're kinda gay." They blush and watch each other sheepishly until Sam stirs.

"W-W-Who are you people?!? OMG! Who am I?" Holly spots Sam's laminated "Zapruder" press credentials and passes it around. Dawn meanwhile has discovered her necklace-- "And I must be Umad!" Sam turns it upside down to read, then smirks rather than correct the tantalizing teen... Holly goes all pouty-face until she discovers a purse/backpack embroidered w/ a big sparkly "H". "Helen? Hortense?" she ponders, trying them on for size...

"Harriet!" Dawn delightedly decrees.

A disoriented blonde is the last to revive, her lustful smoldering gaze moving (and intensifying) from that brown-haired boy w/ the big ears to the Billy Idol wannabe and finally (ultimately!) to that hyper, aloofish, rats-nested, overly mascarraed teen tart! "Whale now..."

A sudden commotion erupts as the matronly instructor takes an indecent liberty with a peroxided pupil--

"Bollocks!" Spike screams as he jumps up. Harmony instinctively rushing to his defense; both switching to game-face before the terrified class. Sam, the first to re-act, hurling the first thing she can grasp at the berserk blondes. Fortunately it turned out to be a bottle of "Blessed Evion" she was saving to ex-cor-size Harrison with...the anointing having the desired effect-- Spike snarling as his precious duster smolders; Harm's melonous mammaries returning to their normal (and quite attractively adequate!) size--prompting Sugar and Harrison to loose interest almost immediately (and they were even willing to overlook the game-face earlier...)

As the BlondieBears race out of the room, a speechless, astounded class turns it's awestruck collective gaze to the stunned journalist; an amazed, elated grin transforming her face--"I must be some kind of superhero!" Sam reasons, launching into her trademark superior strut...

Nicole can only smirk at her giddy arch-nemesis Spam, as she discreetly crushes the black crystal under the stiletto heel of her Blanca slingback...Beside her a bewildered Brooke McQueen just slowly shakes her head thinking to herself-- "I may not know who I am--but I am ~way saner~ than these people..."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Aww Will," Buffy groaned, "I really thought I'd met ~The One~ this time--I mean, demon, sure, but I'm resigned to that...but who'd've thought Lorne was gay?!?"

The redhead unsuccessfully camouflaging her sudden guffaw as a coughing fit...

"Many demon species are poly-sexual," Anya contributed ...no doubt from experience...

"Yeah, about that..." Buffy leaned in conspiratorly to Willow, "I was wondering if I could talk to you about... Brooke... Later."  she added, made uncomfortable by Anya's intense, yet innocent, smiling, nodding presence.

"Perhaps someday you will find an attractive, satisfying lover like Willow and I have," Anya commiserated with the Slayer, "Just not Xander, of course."

"Yeah, about that..." Willow echoed, "I might've inadvertently...you know...boggled it...beyond repair..."

Anya remained oblivious, but Buffy realized her bestest friend's reluctant confession intuitively--

"Willow, what did you do? The forgety spell?!? You've got to reverse it Will! If (*shudder*) Nicole really loves you--she'll forgive you...but you can't be the one who makes that decision..."

The Wicca sniffles, nods, then rescinds the spell with a simple backhand flutter....

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Nicole drives the 3 "brunette brats" back to Sunnydale after school Friday; all the Jaguar's occupants a tad nervous about arriving. Foremost in the blonde's mind was seeing Red again after one tentative, awkward phone call. Weighing on the trio's minds was the fact that Giles had prepared the reversal spell to send Holly back to her own universe...The young teen noticing her two companions seemed a lot more excited about this than she was...

"Tell her!" Sam hissed at Dawn; nodded at Holly.

"W-We think we found a way to tweak the spell," Dawn began her smile widening as fast as Holly's, "Like a worm-hole...we'll be able to snag you back here for 2-3 hours every night! Maybe longer with low weekend rates!"

"OMG!" Our Girls bouncing in such abandon, joyous hysterics in the backseat that Nicole threatened to pull over.

Following the hesitant Nicole up the sidewalk at 1630 Revello Drive, Our Girls are waylaid by ("Psssst.") an arm extending out of the bushes with a plate of piping hot, gooey chocolate chip cookies. Guidable as puppies, (and salivating like Pavlov's dogs) they follow their noses. But rest assured gentle readers, no foul play shall befall them (this time...) for it is only Buffy trying to secure Willow some one-on-one time w/ her estranged lover...

"Hey." Nic acknowledged coolly.

"H-H-Hey..." Willow stammered, eyes downcast, sweeping the floor with her fuzzy pink sock.

"O.K. You know Dawnie, or that little new one: Hortense --I'd've probably joined you--anybody but Spam!"

"I-I-I know baby!" Willow blubbered; the waterworks unleashed. "I know how intensely you lo-lo-(Nic cringes) loathe her!" (Whew!) Regaining her resolve face the Wicca continues--"From here on out you're the only one!" Then folding gently to one knee, "Nicky, will you marry me?"

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The invitations to wild, impromptu parties having slacked off somewhat since his Ripper days, Giles was never-the-less stoked for this little soiree at the Bronze. His gaze first magnetically drawn to a trio of hyper young hotties "shaking their groove things" w/ total abandon. "Daddy likes!" he leered, then suddenly, awkwardly turning to clean his glasses as Dawn turned and waved.

Refocusing on Willow hugging that (*shudder*) grating blonde girl. "Giles!" the redhead positively effervesced, wiggling a gaudy, multi-carated ring on her finger, "You'll never believe what happened!"

"Lord have mercy on us all..."

Xander, Anya and Buffy were tweaking something over by the main fusebox...well, the latter was actually just leaning against the wall after overimbibbing Tequila shots.

"The one good thing about the Trioka," Xander mused, "was laying claim to all their abandon sci-fi goodies!"

"This should help immensely in your fight against evil!" Anya agreed, "It's like a black-light for demons--Demons with souls..."

"Guhnuhhhh." Buffy shuddered after downing another shot. "There's been waaay too many demons with souls running around here lately! This ultra-violent light should illuminate them! (off puzzled looks) What? It's a thing..." Giles brings a chair just in time...

Willow breaks off to "powder her nose" as Nicole approaches the Scooby Gang's table. She supposed she'd have to try to be a little more sociable, they were going to be (*shudder*) practically family...A shocked look overcoming Anya's normally blank face as she sees Nicole (literally) in a new light--

"OMG! How did you do it?!?" Shaking Xander furiously, she continues as far as "OMG! She's got a so--" before Nicole's fist gets some serious "face-time"...

"I knew it!!!" Buffy croaks...before passing out cold.

Willow emerged from the labyrinth connecting the Bronze to the basement of the Majic Box. Slowly approaching the sheet-shrouded figure, she entertains a brief mental flashback of Nicole severing the Buffybot's head in a jealous snit (way back in S & U #2 Big Top PeeWee...). "But the 'Bot's gone thru a little overhaul since then," Willow mumbles with a crazed look in her eye; yanking the dusty cover off w/ a flourish. The dust settles... two brunettes gaze at each other and we fade on Dark- Willow's insane kackles--"Things have changed! Mwa-ha-ha!!!"

TBC (whenever...)