Title: I Shouldn't

Author: Spikey

Fandom: Alias

Disclaimer: J. J. Abrams + writers and Touchstone Home Entertainment

Pairing: I'm not telling ;)

Rating: PG-13

Spoilers: Season 4

Feedback: I would be very happy. Thank you.


Author's note: I'm from Denmark, and not good at gramma and such, but I have done my best.

I know I shouldn't feel like this. I shouldn't be feeling this strongly for you.

I shouldn't be this in love with you. Just thinking of you sends goosebumbs down my back and takes my breath away.

I shouldn't be feeling this way. Not because I've only known you for a year. I fell in love with you when I first looked you in those perfect orbs that is your eyes. I will always remember the first time we met. You came to rescue me.

I should not have these feelings. Not because we're both involved with someone else. You clearly love the person you're with. You've been through a lot, and are lucky to be together.

I shouldn't have these thoughts of you. Not because you let me stay at your place. You let me move in with you.

I should not be looking this much at you. Not bacause we work together. We're good as a team, when we're out on missions. I love that you're so focused at doing the job. I love your fast thinking.

I shouldn't be having these wonderful dreams of you. Not because we're both female. Although I've never been in love with a woman before, doesn't meen I've never slept with them.

Actually I've never really been in love. Until you came, and took my heart and my soul.

The reason I shouldn't have these thoughts, these dreams, these feelings, this overpowering love for you, is because you're my sister. My half sister. We share the same mother. I never knew her. And you only knew her shortly.

What people wouldn't think of me, for having these feelings. For loving you.

Well I don't really care what they think. I guess I'm afraid of what they can do to me.

I'm afraid of what YOU will think of me. If you will be desgusted with me, or repulsed. If you will hate me. I couldn't take it if you did. It would destroy me.

I know that I will never do anything about this. I'll never tell you how I feel. I'll never tell anyone. No matter how alone I feel. And trust me, I've never felt more alone, than I do now.

I can be in a room full of friends, that I know loves me, and feel completetly alone. and It makes me sad.

But when ever I think of you, or see you walking into the room, my face cracks up into a big smile.

Seeing you every day makes living a little bit easyer. Knowing your alive and, somewhat, happy, makes it easyer not to hate the guy you're with. Knowing I'll always have you in my life somehow, will make up for not having you the way I would like. It makes up for you not loving me the way I love you.

Well.. Not really.

I love and hate having you in my life.

With you in my life, I knoe I'll always be longing for you, for you'r love. But without you, i'll just die. I'll simply fade away. I'll become a shadow, growing lighter and lighter, until there's nothing left. Until I've faden into nothing.

Because you're the light in me. you're the one how keeps me grounded. You're my rock. And I couldn't survive without you in my life.

But I'll never act on my feelings. I'll be content on having you in my life as my sister. And nothing more.

Only.. I'ts getting harder not to touch you all the time. It's getting harder not to let our hugs last longer. It's getting harder not to stare at you all the time. And it's defenetly getting harder not to push you up against the wall and kiss you senseless. Not to rip of your clothes and touch that perfect athletic body of yours. To have my way with you.

I do really love you Sydney Bristow.

I love you woth everything I've got. With every molocule I've made of. It all belongs to you. Everything that I am. Everything that I have. It's all yours.

But you can't take it. Because you're my sister.

As I write this in my journal, you're sitting at the table, studuing our next mission. You're cute when you frown. I love to watch you concentrate. To see you be this engrossed in something.

I hope you never read this, Syd. It would only freak you out.

         I love you Sydney

         Yours always

         Nadia Santos

Years later. A person is lying on a bed, alone and abandoned, reading her desised sisters journal, and crying hard.

        "I loved you too"


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