Someone Push

Series: Part One of the Making Things Right

Title: Someone Push Me

Author: Catastrophe

Fandom: BTVS

Pairing: F/B - I'm unable to write anything else yet - I'm a newbie!

Rating: NC-17 - It's not yet, but hopefully it soon will be :-)

Spoilers/Disclaimers: None, least I don’t think so. Faith and Buffy aren’t mine, no matter how much I like to pretend they are, and feedback is very much appreciated. Thanks to Joss etc etc for creating them, now I’m going to use and abuse (I’m joking) them!

It's funny how we all need a little push now and then, even if sometimes we really don't want it. I was good; she was bad, at least that's what everyone kept telling me. But it wasn't true. I was there the night Finch died, we were fighting together. It just so happened that it was her stake that plunged into his heart, it so easily could have been mine, probably should have been. I would have been equipped to handle it better, I mean I've got the gang, Faith had nobody.

Well, she had me, but how was I to know that she really needed me then? I thought she was ok with it, but then when everyone assumed it was her fault and I didn't put them right she took it as me turning my back on her. I never meant to do that, it was just easier.

Buffy Summers was the good slayer, Faith was the bad slayer, yin and yang. It was my fault she went to the Mayor, my fault she was in a coma, and my fault she went to prison, but she had to. She needed that push to do the right thing, to try and make up for the bad stuff she'd done. At least that's what I keep telling myself. I don't feel quite so bad if I convince myself she's there for her own benefit.

But she's not. I sent her there so I wouldn't have to see her, because every time I look into her eyes I see what I've done. What I turned her into. But worst of all I see the love she feels for me, even after everything that I've done to her, everything that I've said. And everything that I haven't.

I think she knows how I feel, she senses it like I sense it in her, but that's the difference between us, I'm not willing to share it. No. Not willing, not able. I'm with Riley, and he's the one that I want. My stability, my rock - my ball and chain. The one stopping me going the way Faith did, because it really would be so easy. I feel the pull to go out and hunt for the sake of it; I feel the need to show my strength. But then I look at Riley, and I know that no matter how much he claims to understand my slayer strength and impulses, he doesn't. Never could do.

Only she can.

Faith.

My other half.

The bad to my good, the real to my fake.

I have to see her again.

I have to know if this is going to get any easier, this pretending to be little miss farm girl for Riley, little miss goody two shoes for Giles, and little miss mother hen for Dawn. Is all the pretence worth what I have to give up? Only she knows the answers because she is my opposite, the one who wouldn't give up herself for anyone. Except me, and I turned my back on her. I pushed her away when she needed me most, and God that hurts now.

There's no one to push me, to guide me in the right direction, but this feels right. It's time to make things right. I'm going to see Faith, and I'm going to make things better. Even if she can't forgive me I have to tell her that I'm sorry, I need redemption. I need her forgiveness.