Series: Part Two of Making Things Right
Title: Visiting time
Pairing: F/B - I'm unable to write anything else yet - I'm a newbie!
Rating: NC-17 - It's not yet, but hopefully it soon will be :-)
Spoilers/Disclaimers: None, least I donít think so. Faith and Buffy arenít mine, no matter how much I like to pretend they are, and feedback is very much appreciated. Thanks to Joss etc etc for creating them, now Iím going to use and abuse (Iím joking) them!
A/N: I am a very happy woman Ė Eliza Dushku came to the U.K to do some publicity for Tru Calling, and I got to see her Ė I can now consider myself re-inspired, the woman is beautiful!
Two years Iíve been in this dump, two years of enforced bedtimes, gym class and strict (and none to pleasant) mealtimes, I was about to pop! The Ďgymí was little more than a hall with a few weights, which normally wouldnít have bothered me, but the weights were like feathers, I needed something with a little more oomph behind it, I could feel my muscles wasting away and it was driving me crazy. Running was about the only thing I was allowed to do alone, and that was only because no one could keep up with me. So the guards let me run, one continuous lap of the grounds, even that was starting to bore me now. I was itching for a little fight, just a little one to take the edge off, but then I would remember why I was here, and reme! mber that if I hit anyone, and I mean anyone, Buffy would never forgive me, and when I eventually do get out of here, Iíd end up with even less to live for than I have in here, and that says a lot.
Donít get me wrong, there are a few things in here to keep me occupied, the resident shrink is a bit of a sex-pot, and I actually enjoy talking to her, she can read me like a book, and doesnít take my shit which is so refreshing in this place. So twice a week I haul ass to her office and we sit and talk, sometimes about my childhood, which always leaves me in a bad mood, but other times we talk about nicer things, like Buffy, or the Scoobs, hell, I even told her I was a slayer Ė admittedly she did look at me like Iíd gone mad (even more mad I mean, I forgot for a minute Iím supposed to be a psycho), but she took it on the chin and asked me all about it. I still donít think she believes me, but I showed her once how strong I am, and it scared her, I could see it in her eyes, and much as I hate to say it, Ďcoz I so wan! na be reformed, I enjoyed it, I love the kill, the fear in the eyes of a vamp right before I stake em. I miss it yunno? So anyways, twice a week we talk, Mondays and Thursdays, for an hour each time, and for that hour I can let all my barriers down and be me. Two hours a week really isnít much time to be yourself you know, maybe thatís why Iím going crazy Ė coz Iím pretending all the time, like Iím bothered!
Anyway, today is Wednesday, and Iím doing my usual 30 or 40 laps of the grounds, imagining myself chasing vamps with Buffy, like in the good olí days so I didnít notice when someone caught up with me and kept pace. Donít get me wrong, Iím no Michael Johnson or anything, but Iím fast, and I got slayer stamina, so for someone to keep pace with me was quite a feat. I didnít look over when I finally noticed she was there, there was no need, I knew that scent after two years of bi weekly meetings.
ďHey Doc, whatcha running for? Thought you academic guys were just pen pushers?Ē
ďCharming Faith. Are you trying to say that Iím all brains and no body, or are you trying to infer that I canít possibly be athletic AND academic? Either way its quite an insult.Ē
ďHey Doc, thatís not fair, you just surprised me is all, most people canít catch me, let alone keep pace.Ē It was true, I wasnít being cocky. *Damn she looked hot in running shorts Ė how come I never noticed those legs before either?*
ďI know, thatís partly why Iím here, I was watching you run, and that occurred to me, so I thought Iíd join you and ask. Why, if youíre so strong and so fast, do you not escape? You could get out of here easier than I can, and youíd be gone in a blink of an eye.Ē
ďThatís why Doc, well, partly, because I can, I choose to stay, Iím repenting. I wanna make all the things I did wrong better. And I aint gonna look like a good girl if I go breakin out now am I? And because someone told me I needed to come here to make up for what Iíd done, and she was right, so until I here different, Iím staying put.Ē
ďFair point Faith. Do you mind if we slow down a tad, Iím good, but not that good.Ē The Psychiatrist was smiling, though it was clear that keeping up with Faith had taken itís toll on her, she was panting hard and sweat was pouring off her and rolling like a river down her chest and legs.
ďHey, whatever Doc, I could do with a liquid break anyway.Ē The Doc was hot! I must be a fool not to have noticed, I mean, way hot!
ďHave I got something on my shorts Faith, or are you appreciating my academic ass?Ē
* Did she just say that or am I imagining things again? *
The Doc laughed, ďits OK Faith, Iím just teasing you, thatís called light hearted banter, its something friends do. Because thatís what I would like to be to you Faith, a friend.Ē
ďDoesnít that go against the whole patient doctor thingy tho Doc?Ē
ďNo Faith it doesnít, because provided we are not in my office, we arenít Doctor and Patient, we are two women out for a run.Ē
ďNot that Iím against this or anything, coz Iím not, but why?Ē
ďBecause I can see youíre lonely Faith, and I see how much you have to offer, even if you donít mean to show it, I think that I could do just as much for you as a friend as I could as you Psychiatrist.Ē
ďSo Iím a pity case? No thanks, I may be locked up but I still have some pride left!Ē Faith took off at a fast pace, trying to block out the thought that the Doc, the only person she could talk to or remotely trust thought she was a charity case.
ďFaith, Faith wait please. Thatís not what I meant. I need you as much as you need me.Ē It was too late Faith was out of earshot. The Doc walked back to her office alone, a chill setting in where there was once heat, from running and from the close proximity of another person. *God itís been so long.* As she stepped into her en-suite shower she knew she was falling for the brunette inmate, she had been for a while, but that last spark of proud pain during Faiths outburst made her realise just how much she did want to be the other womanís friend, more so, her lover. But that was out of bounds, she! was still an officer of the law, but the could still be friends. *Provided Faith realises Iím not pitying her.* Doc thought to herself with an inward grimace. *When am I going to learn to phrase my self better outside of my damned office?*
I kept running, every time I slowed down I could hear her words in my head, so she thought I was lonely? Well that was true, but it wasnít the point. She was supposed to be someone I could trust, obviously Iíd let myself get too close, opened up too much. I was a loner, always have been, always will be, shouldnít try to change what you are right?!
I donít know why it was bothering me so much, apart from the obvious of course. I could feel the blood pounding in my ears and the adrenaline was pumping so hard I almost didnít stop when the guard waved me over. Iíd already been running for longer than usual, but these guys knew to let me go once I got going, well it was either that or they were too scared to try and stop me, who knows what goes on in a guys mind? I slowed down and started stretching, didnít want to get cramp else I wouldnít be allowed to run again for a while, and I enjoyed it too much to lose it.
ďDid you enjoy that Spencer? You know you went a half hour over?Ē
ďSorry dude, didnít realise how long I was going, kinda lose time when Iím doin circles yuh know?Ē
ďWhatever, anyone else youíd be in trouble, Iím just an old softy.Ē And he was, he often let her run over my time, but he never gave her shit, just seemed to tell her off like Giles used to Ė it rubbed sometimes, being told off like a kid, but it was nice to, showed someone cared. Even if it was an old prison guard.
ďIt cool if I go back to my cell now? I think I need a shower after that one, I really got lost there.Ē In fact, I did need a shower, the smell of sweat and a lingering scent of roses clung to my joggers, and I knew it could only have come from Doc, it was starting to distract me, invade my senses.
ďNo problem Spencer, Iíll get Officer Burns to take you, I want to enjoy the sunshine a bit more, gotta appreciate it while we itís here Ė one day itíll all be gone.Ē
That was strange, but hey he was old, probably talking about death or summit, I shrugged it off and headed to my cell with officer Burns in tow.
After a long hot, thankfully uninterrupted shower I headed back to my cell and jumped up on my bunk. This was my favourite place to reflect, I think while I run, then I process on my bunk Ė itís kinda my routine now. My body still aches a bit, but only coz I actually used it, used my slayer strength, itís been so long since I used it I think it had gone to sleep. So the Doc thought I was a pity case did she? Nice, well at least she hadnít taken advantage of me like everyone else in here had tried to do, it meant Iíd never really had to hurt her either, and I really didnít want to do that. I liked her. But s! he wasnít Buffy, and being as B had my heart, there was no point getting all close n bondy to anyone else.
I figured Iíd had enough thinking and processing for one day so I pulled the sheet over my body and tried to relax. That was one thing I never could do totally, relax, always had to keep one eye open in this place, you could never be sure who was gonna try n start something. Laying under the cool sheet images of the Doc played through my mind like an old movie. The Doc when we first met with her hair all long and curly, then images of her now, with shorter hair, a much more assertive personality, and generally sexier outfits. Iíd never realised before, but the outfits had changed about the same time that I started talking openly about B, and how much I missed her.! Maybe the doc was a closet case n wanted to get some? Nah, she wasnít like that, the Doc was one of the good guys, least I hoped to God she was, I liked her too much for her to be a baddie. I closed my eyes and sighed, why did life have to be so damned complicated? B hated me, Doc was confusing me, and all this closed in shit was driving me nuts, I needed to get out soon or I was gonna explode. I decided then that I needed to be open with Doc, afterall she did seem to always be open with me. If she wanted friendship then sheíd let me tell her everything, about my scar, why I was really still here, and why some guy who never showed up on the video cameras visited me every other week. I was gonna hav! e to convince her of the inconceivable Ė nice task. With thoughts of how I was going to enlighten the Doc running through my mind I drifted off into sleep.
The sirens were wailing, and B was looking down at me, my dagger in her hand dripping blood. I saw the pain in her eyes, the fear, and the panic, so I solved everything for her, I let myself fall off the ledge. I didnít want her to have to deal with this stuff, it had destroyed me but I wouldnít let it destroy her too. I knew the mayor would find me eventually, and if I did die, heíd see to it I had a proper burial, she didnít need to deal with that.
As I fell I thought I heard her say something, but I couldnít make out the words. I tried to call out to her but I couldnít make my throat work. I just kept falling and falling into the blackness, then nothing.
ďI love you B.Ē The last words to escape my mouth as I felt myself die, I knew I was dying, why else would there be a bright light and a tunnel?
ďI love you too Faith, and Iím sorry I was never there. Iím so sorry. Please forgive me.Ē
ďB? B, where are ya? I canít see anything, I can feel you, where are you?Ē This was scary, I would be fine if I was on my own, but I was not gonna go with B watching, never, she would never see me die.
ďFaith, itís a dream, slayer dreams remember?Ē
ďMore like my brain playing tricks on me again. If youíre real visit me, if itís just my head then Doc will sort it. Iím outta here.Ē
I woke up covered in sweat and chilled to the bone, yet I felt comforted, like Iíd gone home for the weekend or something. That was too intense, if it was a slayer dream then B loved me, or it wasn't and I was just hugely fucked up. One of the two. Man I really needed to see Doc.