Undertow

Fandom: Popular

Series: Scenes from an Italian Restaurant

Title: Collateral Damage: Undertow

Author: Carla

Pairing: N/C

Rating: A for angst. R for theme.

Disclaimers: Don't own 'em never have never will. That honor belongs to Ryan Murphy and some suits at Touchstone Television I believe. I do claim credit for the original characters and the actual story itself. Song lyrics correctly or incorrectly quoted most definitely do not belong to me.

Archiving: This and all my other flights of fancy may be found at http://www.realmoftheshadow.com/carla.htm

A/N: Many many relationships survive infidelity and its aftermath but the reality is it takes hard work. Very hard work. Having been on both sides of the fence I know this all too well. Obviously this fic takes place during the events of Little Souvenir, eventually it will go past that timeline. I hope to show the hard work that these two women will have to go through to get back to where they once were. Or as close to it as you can get after something like this. I thought I'd start with Nicole, seeing as how she is the agrieved party and because, for now at any rate Carmen's story, her side and her experiences is still a little to close to home.

Feed back should you deign to grace me with it can be sent to me either on list or off list at cmfloresfd@yahoo.com.

Undertow

Author's Notes: : The first two-thirds of this fic takes place the same night as In the Darkness: Enlightenment. The last third takes place several years later and Nicole is still in therapy.

Not beta-ed any and all mistakes are mine and mine alone. I take full faith credit for them. The title Undertow can best be explained by the Suzanne Vega song of the same, it’s melancholy feel is what got me started on this installment. It’s on her self-titled debut album.

*** Bold italics *** indicates song lyrics

Enjoy

~~~~~

*** Are you lonesome tonight ***

There’s an understatement. I miss you so much and the fucked up thing is you’re right here next to me. In our bed except it doesn’t feel like that anymore. Like it’s "OUR" bed you know. God I hate this…this feeling. I hate feeling. Sometimes I hate you for making me feel. Making me able to feel.
*** Did my love open the door…***

It did and I love it. Love you for it. I love you. Oh God I love you.

But I hate you too.
***…To your heart ***

I hate that you broke my faith, my trust. I hate that in the morning I have to go with you to the doctor. I hate that we have to even go.
*** Don’t you remember a time in September ***

I don’t really want to be there. I don’t want to remember.
*** Run away, run away from the pain ***

But I can’t ever really forget either. What if my mother had made a different choice…I wouldn’t even be here then.

What if I had chosen differently? Can you say "Mommy Dearest"?
*** Papa, don’t preach…I’m in trouble deep ***

No, I most definitely made the right choice for me. I just have to trust in your decision for you.

But can I really trust you? You broke my heart. You know you did.
*** Don’t go breaking my heart ***

God I’d never been so happy to see someone in my life. The day you came home came back to me. Maybe I should have realized it then in the way you touched me, devoured me.

But I thought it was because you missed me. Like I had missed you. I wanted to believe it was because you’d realized that I was the only one for you.
*** My one and only you ***

Like you are for me.

Like you have been since our first time.
*** Pacific coast highway ***

It might have been cheap. Perhaps even tawdry, in a romanticized sort of way. But it was the first time I’d ever ‘made love’. With anyone, anywhere.

Ever.
*** Hopelessly devoted to you ***

Cheesy as that sounds that’s how it is for me.

Why couldn’t it be that way for you?

/ / / / / / / / / / / / / / / /

Carmen chose that moment to roll over. Wrapping an arm around Nicole’s waist she inched closer to the smaller girl, molding herself to the blonde’s back as she did so.

"How long have you been awake?"

"I couldn’t sleep."

"Stressed about today? I know it’s hard for you too."

"I didn’t think it would be this hard but I was thinking about how if my mother…"

"How you wouldn’t be here. Yeah I’ve thought of that but I’m certain. This is the right thing, for both of us."

"Do you…sometimes I think its bad karma. You know like what if when I want to I can’t. Like what if a blew my only chance."

"You can’t think like that Nikki. Blowing it would be having a kid you couldn’t do justice to. You know what I mean?" Nicole nodded. "When it’s our time it will happen. And we’ll be ready."

"Are you okay? You know I’ll be there with you every step of the way. Whatever you want today, whatever you need you just tell me."

"I know Love.

"You’re my best friend. I’ll always be there for you no matter what."

"I know. I’ve always known that," Carmen’s voice hitched though the conviction in her voice left no doubt as to the veracity of her words.

"Good."

"I love you Nicole, with everything I am I love you."

"I know", even to her own ears Nicole sounded small and dejected.

"No you hear it but you don’t ‘know’ it any more. Not like you use to. But that’s okay. Cuz I’m going to show you, if it takes the rest of my life I’ll show you over and over till you ‘know’ it once again."

She kissed the back of Nicole’s neck.

"I promise sweetheart. I promise you."

"Don’t…just show me." Nicole turned to face Carmen, "Just show me."

"Everyday."

/ / / / / / / / / / / / / / /

Six years later

Carmen miscarried again. It took us three tries to get pregnant this time. I don’t know that I can go through that whole emotional rollercoaster again. Sometimes I think ‘This is it this is payback’, bad karma and all that you know?

We both have, me my freshman year of high school, Carmen our sophomore year of college.

Yeah we were…almost three years.

How did I feel about that? What do you think Freud? It sucked the whole thing sucked. She was fucking around with some guy she met in Italy that summer and got pregnant. That’s what happened.

Yeah I suppose you could say I’m still bitter about it. But not really. At first I obsessed about it all the time but I hardly ever do now. Mostly when I’m feeling stressed about having one. Okay so I’ve been thinking a lot about it recently. But it’s moot anyway Carmen’s been faithful ever since. She loves me she shows me that everyday. And it’s the whole unfaithful thing that I’m bitter about. Though not at her per se but rather with myself, for not listening to my gut instinct and giving her the opportunity in the first place. Because if nothing else I trust that if I’d said no she wouldn’t have. I trust in that absolutely.

But back to where we were. The karma thing….

Carla

It's a one time thing ... it just happens a lot. (Suzanne Vega)

A/N #2: It occurs to me that the above tag line works on so many levels for so many stories that it's almost scary.