Series: Scenes From an Italian Restaurant

Title: On the Road to Find Out

Author: Carla

Email: cmfloresfd@yahoo.com

Rating: R maybe for themes and language.

Pairing: Nicole/Carmen

Disclaimers: I do not own any of the charachters from the show Popular, no copy right infringement is intended and no profit is made from their use. Series title inspired by the brilliant Billy Joel song of the same, it is used without permission but much gratitude. The same is true of Cat Stevens' On the Road to Find Out.

Archiving: Well my delusional flights of fancy maybe found at www.realmoftheshadow.com/carla.htm Thank you Shadow for all your hard work and dedication as an archivist and webmistress.  Welcome back.

Feedback: It would be lovely.  Feedback, the good the bad and the ugly, is all fodder for the next installment so let me know what you think folks either on list or privately at cmfloresfd@yahoo.com

A/N: Originally I was going to title this Mother and Child Reunion but I got sideswiped by Cat Stevens' Greatest Hits.  On the Road to Find Out is the amazing first track, some of the lyrics can be found below.  As for where in the time line of this series this story takes place, it's between Dear Eloise/Who Needs John Edwards and Blue Kiss.

Enjoy.

And I found myself alone
hoping someone would miss me
thinking about my home
and the last time you kissed me.

Well sometimes you have to moan
that nothing seems to suit you
nevertheless you know
you're locked towards the future.

So off and on you go
the seconds tick the time out
there's so much left to know
and I'm on the road to find out.
-- Cat Stevens, On the Road to Find Out (1970)

On the Road to Find Out

Nicole fumbled with her keys not for the first time she marveled at how easy all the mothers she new made it look, carrying a sleeping child and opening the door at the same time.  Donna she'd observed had it down to a science she barely needed to look at the lock.  Nicole on the other hand wished she could put the sleeping Javier down or at the very least hand him off to Carmen but her lover's arms were already filled. Carmen held her friend Sylvia's son, Rashim.  He too was asleep.

"God he's heavier when he's asleep," Nicole whispered as she finally got the door open. Carmen quickly followed her inside and headed straight for the family room where she deposited the sleeping child on the sofa.

"I swear Rashim gained weight since this morning.  Either that or we're getting old and frankly I refuse to go with that since I haven't even hit 20 yet."

"They're like puppies that way, they just sort of gain weight and grow over night." Nic settled Javier on the opposite end of the sofa and stood up to stretch the kinks out of her back. "Thank God they go back to their rightful owners tomorrow morning."

Every five or six weeks they would take the kids for the weekend, sometimes they stayed at the house and took day trips other times they would take the children somewhere for the weekend.  The arrangement worked out well for everyone involved, Carmen and Nicole got the chance to spend time with the children going to amusement parks, museums and outdoor flea markets.  They had even gone to New York City a few times and taken the children to the Planetarium, The Bronx Zoo and too see The Lion King on Broadway.  On other trips they had gone to Niagara Falls, The Finger Lakes area of New York and once even camping in Canada.  The children got the chance to experience new things and most importantly their mothers got a much deserved and needed weekend for themselves.  Donna usually spent the weekend with her boyfriend, a state police officer, while Sylvia would just use the free time to relax and do as she pleased. 

"For Pete's sake Nic they're not pets."

"You know I didn't mean anything by it." Nic walked over to her lover and wrapped her arms around her neck. "Besides one day we'll have one of our own don't you think?"

"Hope so" Carmen bent her head to capture Nicole's lips with her own in a gentle kiss that slowly deepened. "I love how you kiss me like nothing else in the world matters."

"That's `cause nothing else does." Nicole kissed her again, quickly, before continuing, "Let's get them to bed, then take a soak in the tub."

"Should we wake them or carry them upstairs?"

"I can't carry him...we could just let them sleep here."

"I guess we could.  Let's do that and instead of the tub we can watch a movie or something."

"Okay.  I'm going to check the messages why don't you get some blankets for them."

Nicole checked their voice mail.  There was one new message.

"Honey you better listen to this."

"What's up?"

"It's your brother Leo."

"Leo?  What's he doing calling here?"

"It's about your mom."

"Put it on speaker phone will you."

*** Uhmmm this is Leo Ferrara I'm looking for Carmen.  It's about Mom.  Carmen if this is the right number call me back ASAP or better yet just come out here.  Listen I know it's been a while since you spoke to Mom."

"Try two and a half years," Carmen muttered as the message continued.

"But the hospice nurse says she's got a day maybe two left and I think you should come.  I know she'd like to see you.  Anyway you know the number, at the very least call and if you do come let me know what flight and I'll pick you up from LAX.  Alright so I'll talk to you soon" there was a long pause then, "425-353-2892, in case you didn't remember.  I love you little sis."

"I didn't know my mom was sick."

"Why don't you call your brother and I'll call and book a flight out of Albany, if we leave tonight we should get there before tomorrow afternoon."

"You don't have to come."

"Nonsense."

"What about class?"

"What about it?  This is more important than any class I might miss."

"Thanks.  I'm going to call Leo. What about the kids?"

"Donna's at Hank's right?  I'll try there first then her cell?"

~~~~~

"Ladies and Gentlemen at this time we are beginning our descent into Los Angeles International Airport, please bring your seats to the upright position and fasten your seatbelts."

"You want some gum?" Carmen offered Nicole a stick of gum.

"No just hold my hand."

"You know I would never have guessed you to be the type to be scared of planes."

"It's the landing part that scares the crap out of me.  I'm okay with takeoff and the actual flight but I don't know maybe it was those repeated viewings of "Airport" when I was a kid but I'm always afraid the damn thing's going to fly into the terminal.  Unlikely I know but then that's the beauty of irrational fears isn't it?"

Carmen smiled indulgently at Nicole then leaned over to kiss her before resting her head on the blonde's shoulder.  She nipped at Nicole's earlobe then whispered, "All I know is that I'm glad you don't have an irrational fear of small spaces or this flight wouldn't have been half as interesting as it was."

"Thank God for that."

The plane touched down and Nicole's grip on Carmen's hand eased up.  The First Class flight attendant handed them their carry on luggage and they exited the plane into the passenger terminal.

"We can probably get a cab right away outside."

"Mother said she would send a driver.  We can stay with her or if you'd rather stay at your mom's we can do that.  Or a hotel either way whatever you want is fine by me.  We can drop you off at your mom's and then I can go to my mom's house and get my car so we have that okay?"

"Sounds fine.  We can stay at your mom's it's like a hotel anyway why waste the money if we don't have to."

They continued walking through the terminal following the signs to the baggage claim/passenger pickup area.

"Good morning Miss Julian, Miss Ferrara my name is Günter and I'll be your driver this weekend."

To say that the 6'3" blonde blue-eyed, Günter, was the poster boy for All-American good looks would have been an understatement.  In fact with the slight German accent he had it would have been more accurate to say that he could have been a poster boy for Hitler Youth.  Certainly Nicole's mother had not lost her taste for eye-candy.  "Hello Günter.  When did you start working for mother?" 

"I've been with Ms. Julian for almost a year now." He took their bags and began leading the way through the crowds to the car waiting outside.

"I was told to take Ms. Ferrara to her home first is that still what you want?"

"Yes."

"Very well then", he started the car and eased out into traffic.

"Tim would cream his shorts."

"Nic!"

"Oh c'mon you know it's true.  He so has a thing for blonde men in chauffeurs' uniforms."

"He can hear you." Carmen whispered.

"No he can't I turned the intercom off."

"Oh...so he can't hear anything?" Carmen leered suggestively and pulled the smaller girl to her.

"Nothing but he can still see so get your mind out of the gutter."

"Rats...foiled again.  Do you remember that time we went up to the lake house?"

"How could I forget?  First time I was ever grateful to be caught in bumper-to-bumper traffic."

"Nikki I'm scared."

"About?"

"Seeing my mom...maybe scared isn't the right word.  Nervous is more like it really nervous. Anxious that's it."

"It'll be alright, you'll see," Nicole stroked the back of Carmen's hand with her thumb.  "When was the last time you saw her?"

"First week senior year, the last time I spoke to her was before graduation.  I thought she might want to see me graduate. She hung up on me instead."

"I remember."

"She said I was a whore Nikki, a fat whore.  She said she regretted giving birth to me .that if she had known I was going to turn out to be some filthy queer she would have aborted me instead.  I know it's the drinking, the alcohol that's mostly doing the talking but you know the old saying "The truth can be found at the bottom of a bottle," Nicole nodded. "It's true, in her heart of hearts she really thinks that way about me.  Maybe not so far as to have aborted me but the rest...she is disgusted, she thinks I'm a freak.  And that the only thing I'm really good for is money, she even said I owed her for raising me, clothing me, feeding me...everything and since I was your whore the least I could do was pay her back."

"Oh sweetie, I'm sorry, sorry she's like that.  You and I know differently, that's all that matters.  Not what some bitter booze soaked hag has to say...even if she is your mother."

"She said that you would get tired of me and then where would I be, that you would throw me to the curb and that when that happened I couldn't come home."

"Well that's not going to happen okay."

"I know but it's hard not to hear all the negative things she said to me over the years.  It's hard not to believe sometimes...still."

"Remember the day we moved you into Frank and Lucille's place?"

"Yeah."

"Well nothing she said that night was true...not then, not now not ever.  You're smart, funny, a kind and patient friend and the most amazing partner anyone could have.  Your friends are lucky to have you in their life and as for me I am beyond lucky.  It's your mom's loss she chose not to have you in her life."

"We should be arriving at your mother's house soon Miss Ferrara, do you wish to stop somewhere first?  Perhaps to freshen up a bit, collect yourself."

"No that's okay Gunter."

"He can't hear you unless you press that button there," Nic pointed to a small button cleverly concealed in the armrest on the door.

"Oh," she pressed the button, "Do I have to hold it down?"

"No you don't Miss," once again Gunter's disembodied voice came through the speakers.

"Thank you Gunter.  We'll go straight to my mother's."

"Very well then."

"Nicole?"

"What sweetie?"

"I promise you, I swear on my mother's...and I am aware of the irony here...soon to be grave that I will never turn my back on my children, our children.  That I will be a much better mother than my mother ever was."

"I have no doubt about that sweetheart. None at all...I like how you said `our children'.  I liked how that sounded."

"I worry sometimes, you know...sometimes when we're watching the boys or if I'm alone with Javier, even if Donna is home, I find myself getting so impatient.  Sometimes I can imagine...sometimes I have this overwhelming urge to strike out.  I get so impatient it scares me.  What if I'm like that with my own child what if one day I can't control myself and I hurt my child.  I would die Nikki."

"Honey, sweetie I have no doubt that you will never do that.  For one thing you're not a fall down drunk and for another I have a sneaky suspicion that by the time you and I finally have a kid we will, both of us, have had enough therapy to work out our major issues on that front at least.  But I understand what you mean I worry too.  Gail isn't exactly a candidate for "Mom of the Year" though in her favor I have to say that she never made me feel unwanted. Unloved, sometimes, misunderstood, frequently but I always felt wanted after all she picked me, its not like she had me by accident.  I figure it will be sort of the same way when we have a kid you know?  No one is ever going to be able to say that our child is an unwanted child, an accident because if nothing else, the planning for and actual means of getting pregnant won't come so easy for us.  Think about it starting with who carries it, to how we get pregnant and after the birth the whole second parent adoption thing, going to court for that and all...well knowing all of that and preparing for all of that, if that doesn't show that we're serious and ready to have a child I don't know what would."

"I never really thought of it that way but it makes sense."

Gunter pulled the car into the driveway of Carmen's childhood home.

"Give us a few minutes please Gunter."

"Certainly Miss."

They sat in the car for a few minutes while Carmen, her head on Nic's shoulder tried to compose herself.  She breathed in the blonde's scent, a woodsy vanilla that was uniquely Nicole, and felt herself begin to relax.

"You ready to go in?" Carmen asked after several minutes had passed.

"I am if you are."

"Okay then," Carmen sat up and kissed Nicole on the cheek. "I love you Nicole.  Thank you for being here with me."

"Where else would I be," Nic drew Carmen to her.  As they kissed the blonde felt the familiar sense of peace that kissing her lover brought her flow through her. They parted, slightly short of breath; Carmen's whispered "Jesus" sent shivers down Nic's spine.

"Love you too, sweetheart."

"Ready?"

"Ready."

They had no sooner stepped up to the front door than it opened and an exhausted looking Leo stood before them.

"Carmen."

"Leo."

The estranged siblings looked at each other taking in the changes that time had brought to each of them.  Leo looked drawn exhausted he no longer had the carefree look of youth about him.  The young guy who lounged around playing tennis was gone and in his place stood a man who had shouldered the responsibility of caring for his mother and watching her die.  Carmen threw her arms around him and they hugged tightly, for several minutes.

"You look good baby sis.  Life on the east coast must agree with you."

"It does, you'll have to visit us sometime.  You remember my girlfriend, Nicole, don't you?"

"Of course," he held out his hand somewhat awkwardly since he hadn't let Carmen go yet. "Nice to meet you again.  God, Car you look great, you lost some weight too cut your hair...you look good you really do. Come in come in," stepping out of his sister's embrace, Leo gestured for Carmen and Nicole to enter. "Why don't we go to the kitchen we can sit down and talk have some coffee, you know."

"Sure Leo.  Why don't you sit down and I'll make it okay.  You look beat, when was the last time you slept, really slept?"

"It's been awhile," he shrugged, "Someone has to get up in the middle of the night and give her her pain meds. If it wasn't for the money she gets from her disability insurance I'd have to work two jobs and then we'd really be up shits creek, the company I'm with has been really good about letting me work from home this way I can take care of her during the day.  I have a woman who comes in for a few hours a day to sit with her and take care of her while I'm working but other than that it's pretty much been just me."

"Where are you working, what do you do?  Last time we talked you were thinking about going into advertising or graphic design."

"I work for Anderton Industries," Carmen's eyebrows shot up at this. "They have an in house advertising department I'm one of the account managers."

"How'd you get that job?" she asked sending a sharp look Nicole's way as she did so.

"It's kind of a weird story actually.  I was part of the in house temp pool, anyway I reported for an assignment in the advertising and graphics department, saw a posting for a job and applied.  I get a call a week or so later from personnel asking me to come in for an interview. Anyway while I'm waiting to go in for my interview I start talking to this guy, name of Tim.  Told him all about how I was trying out for this job as an assistant to the director of Advertising and how I was really needing the job because mom wasn't able to work as much yada yada but that I was worried because I really didn't meet all the listed qualifications and what not.  Then I got called into the interview it went okay but nothing spectacular you know so I figured I wouldn't get a call back even.  As it turns out the guy's the son of the company president and I'm not a hundred percent sure but I think he might have pulled some strings you know, I never asked.  I got promoted after a couple of months to junior account manager and then about six months ago I made senior account manager and here we are."

"Hmmm. Interesting...we know Tim Anderton, in fact Nicole used to go out with him."

"I've never seen him again.  But the next time you talk to him tell him I said "Hi and thank you."

"So how long has she been sick?"

"This time? Since before the New Year before that...she called me begging me to come live with her soon after you left for college.  She had hepatitis then."

"And now?"

"The official diagnosis is liver cancer with bone metastasis."

"Christ" Nicole shook her head, "I remember when Nana died it was horrible.  You should have called, we would have helped...money, doctors, whatever...we would have helped."

"I asked her if she wanted me to call but she said no she'd call you herself. I asked her about it a few days later and she said she called and when, and I quote, "that fucking dyke bitch" answered the phone she hung up. I'm not sure but I think she was referring to you Nicole."

"Why did you even ask me to come here Leo?  She won't want to see me she hates me.  Look on the walls all the pictures with me in them are gone it's like I'm dead to her."

"Look I know you and mom have had some rough times."

"Rough times!" Carmen screeched, "Rough times? You don't know rough times Leo, you think it was bad when you lived here.  Well it was ten times worse when you left so don't talk to me about `rough times'."

"Carmen" Nicole's voice was low and soothing as she rubbed Carmen's back in a slow circular motion. "Calm down babe, calm down." Carmen angrily shrugged Nic's hand off.

"Don't tell me to calm down. I am not going to calm down he wasn't here for the worst of it.  Tell me something Leo do you remember what it feels like to get smacked around? `Cause I do...she smacked me around every couple of days and don't tell me you didn't know it because that's just crap. It got worse after you left Leo...that last year after she read my diary was the worst of my life.  So don't talk to me about `rough times' okay because you weren't here.  You weren't the one who had to deal with her, you weren't the one she humiliated, verbally and physically, you weren't the one she offered to some drunken slob who paid her bar tab for the night."

"I didn't know" he whispered horrified at what he was hearing. He had truly had no idea of how bad the situation at home had been for his sister when he'd left. "I'm sorry I'm so sorry I didn't know. I didn't know."

"Of course you didn't know.  You were gone and who could blame you.  I don't ever regret leaving this house, ever. Do you?"

The three of them sat at the kitchen table each quietly absorbed in stirring their now cold coffee.  A small beep from Leo's watch alarm broke the silence.

"Time for her meds.  You want to come upstairs and see her?"

"I don't know."

"Well you know where I'll be."  He got up to leave stopping to pour some water into a glass along the way. "She's in and out of it so she might not even know you're there but." he hesitated unsure as to the wisdom of sharing his observation about their mother. "I think she'd like it if you came in...I think she has regrets, lots of regrets about how she treated you.  That's the impression I get from her from some of the things she's said."

"Don't keep her waiting. She never was the patient sort."

"Carmen."

"I'll be up in a bit okay?  I just need a few minutes to get it together.  I'm sorry I flipped out on you like that."

"Not a problem; I understand.  I really didn't know it was that bad...I didn't think it could get any worse than it was but I guess I should have known. At the very least I should have checked up on you seen how things were going.  I'm sorry I failed you."

With that he quietly went upstairs leaving the two young women in the kitchen.

"I want you to be honest with me Nicole, okay?"

"Of course."

"Did you get Leo his job?"

"No Leo got Leo his job I just helped him get his foot in the door."

"How so?"

"Purely by coincidence I called Tim the day he met Leo.  He was gushing about this gorgeous guy he'd met at his dad's office and wasn't it funny he had the same last name as you.  So when he told me it was Leo I asked him to make sure he got the job and that he got a decent salary seeing as how he was probably supporting your mother too."

"Anything else you want to tell me?"

"I had mother's people look into your mom's financial situation."

"And?"

"She almost lost the house she was so far behind on the mortgage.  There was no way Leo was going to be able to pay off all of what she owed."

"So."

"Remember when we came to see Victor for the first time?" Carmen nodded, "I asked my mother to pull strings with the bank so that your mom's mortgage could be brought current and restructured so that Leo could handle it on his own.  I didn't think you would appreciate it if I just paid the whole thing off and bought the house outright."

"You're right I wouldn't have.  But thank you for what you did do. You should have told me though; she's my mother Nic.  I may hate her for how she's been with me for the things she's done but nonetheless I love her.  I would have helped him, her...them.  I don't know sent money or something." Carmen's voice trailed off.

"You did sort of."

"Explain."

"Your mother never had disability insurance, I put that money into her account every month."

"You do what?"

"Look you put five hundred a month into our joint account, the one we use for household expenses right?  Well that's five hundred less that I have to put in so I've been having that amount transferred to your mother's accounts every month from my account automatically.  That and another two hundred and fifty covers the mortgage after it was restructured anything else has been all Leo and his hard work.  Look I don't want you to think that I've been keeping tabs on your family behind your back.  It's not like that I set the whole thing up back then and haven't really given it a second thought since."

"Why Nikki she's my problem not yours'?"

"Wrong she's `our' problem because your problems are my problems too.  I didn't want you to stress out about having to make enough money to do both...you know put money towards the house and send money to your mother.  I have it and that's that.  Two hundred and fifty dollars, Carmen, I make that and more in an hour simply by virtue of my existence.  And I'm grateful...I...look I don't know your mother very well just what you've told me and the few times I've had the displeasure of meeting her but I will always be grateful to her.  She had you and unintentionally or not she raised a terrific daughter, someone I am proud to call my partner, a strong willed, mostly secure, woman who despite everything is the most loving gentle and patient person I know.  For that alone I would take care of her.  I have money it's what I'm good for if nothing else."

"Don't you ever let me hear you say that; again.  You are good for so much more than your money...you are so much more than that to me."

"I know that.  What I'm trying to say I guess is this: I did what I did because I can and because I didn't want you to stress out about money and I didn't want her to start stressing you for money. I swear to you I had no idea she was sick...as in dieing sick, you know.  I had no idea if I had I would have said something to you I wouldn't have kept something like that from you."

"You shouldn't have kept any of it from me, Nikki, that's the point isn't it?  We're supposed to be partners, which means, I thought, that we can discuss anything and everything certainly everything, which affects us as a couple. Am I right or am I wrong?"

"You're right but be honest...would you have helped your mom out if she wasn't sick?  If she was just a lush who couldn't get it together enough to hold down a job?"

"No."

"And in all the years that you've been gone how often has she tried to make contact with you?"

"Excluding the time she told Leo about?"

"Assuming she actually made that call yes."

"Never."

"She would have lost the house and been living on the streets.  She probably would have died sooner, certainly with a lot less dignity and now you have the chance to talk to her one last time, to find out if she's changed and either way to make your peace with her.  Don't pass it up.  I never got the chance to meet my birth mother maybe that's why I romanticize the whole mother child relationship, that bond that exists by virtue of having carried a child for nine months, but regardless of that you have the chance to talk to her to ask her questions.  Maybe you won't get any answers, maybe you won't get the answers you want either way you have the chance, the opportunity, to ask to talk don't pass it up.  She's dieing now and you'll never get another chance take it, I wish I'd had it."

Carmen sat with her head in her hands thinking about what Nicole said before silently rising from her chair to lean over the kitchen table and cup Nicole's chin in her hand.  Her thumb lightly grazed full lips as she met her lover's unwavering gaze with her own, "You coming with?"

"Yeah"

"There's no hurry," they whirled around at the sound of Leo's voice behind them. "She's gone."

Brother and sister held onto each other and sobbed.

~~~~~

"This come for you in the mail today, special delivery." Donna handed Carmen a small package.

"It's from my brother...wonder what it is."

She gave the package a tentative shake before opening it.  Inside a note lay nestled atop some bubble wrapped picture frames.

Carmen,
I thought you might like these I found them in mom's old hope chest, the one she kept at the foot of her bed.  They were right on top along with a letter addressed to you that she never mailed.  I've enclosed the letter too.  I'll see you soon.
Leo

Carmen unwrapped the first frame revealing a picture of her in her Confirmation dress standing with her mother outside of the restaurant they had gone to in celebration.  They both looked happy excited by the day.  Carmen remembered that that had been the year her mother was mostly sober and that day in particular had been special, her mother had gotten her ninety-day chip that very morning.  There were other photos of Carmen as a small child and then most surprisingly of all one of Carmen in her cap and gown.  It was blurry and obviously shot from a distance but you could tell it was Carmen.  To this last picture frame Leo had taped the letter.

Carmen,

I was wrong.   I was always wrong: the wrong kind of parent, the wrong kind of role model, the wrong kind of everything.  I blamed you and your brother for my failures and I made both of you pay, mostly I took it out on you though and that was wrong too.

I don't think being gay is normal but you're my daughter and I should never have done what I did.  I should never have said the things I did.  I should never have made it so that you had no choice but to leave your home.

I love you.  You're my little girl, I made you grow up to soon and that is my biggest failure and my greatest regret.

I was wrong and I'm so very, very sorry.

Forgive me.

Mom

Carmen looked at the date at the top of the note and started crying.  She was still crying when Nicole came home later that day.

"There was a letter in the package Leo sent me. It was from my mother. It's dated about a week before she died." She held the letter out for Nicole to read.