Series: Scenes from an Italian Restaurant

Title: In the Darkness: Enlightenment

Author: Carla

Email: cmfloresfd@yahoo.com

Pairing: Nic/Carm

Rating: Ax10...in other words Angst up the wazoo.

Disclaimers: Don't own 'em never have never will.  Still not Ryan Murphy, still not Touchstone Television.  No harm intended, no profit made. The characters may not be mine but this completely original work of fiction is.

Archiving: Yes to the Realm all others please ask. The rest of this series and all my other flights of fancy may be found at http://www.realmoftheshadow.com/carla.htm

Feedback:  It makes the fic world go round folks.  Seriously though feedback the good the bad and the ugly may be sent to me either on list or off at cmfloresfd@yahoo.com

Summary: A companion piece to Collateral Damage.  Carmen reflects on love safety and security and the price paid for freedom.

Author's Note(s): Thank you Lou for your encouragement and insight. And Paulie, can't forget you, good laughs good questions can't thank you enough for them.  Also this isn't beta-ed so any and all mistakes are, to quote the great Daffy Duck, mine mine mine mine mine aaalllllllllll mine.

enjoy.

Carmen’s POV

She got out of bed slipped into her robe and went in search of Nicole. She found her sitting by the pool watching the automated pool cleaner travel slowly back and forth across the bottom of the pool. Periodically the cleaning unit would surface breaking the water’s stillness and when it did Nicole would shoot at it with one of Javier’s water guns.

"Can I join you?"

"I don’t know can you?"

"May I…please." Nic shrugged, with one foot she pushed a chair in Carmen’s direction and Carmen took this as a sign of acquiescence. "Thanks" Carmen sat down to watch Nicole take another shot at the cleaning unit. There on the table next to Nicole was another gun.

"That one’s full if you want to use it." Carmen picked up the plastic green and purple toy. "Get me wet and you’ll regret it."

"I can’t help it that I’m a bad shot" Carmen attempted to look innocent as she said this and Nicole snorted in disbelief.

"Bad shot my ass. That was you hustling Paulie at darts the other day not me."

"This" Carmen waved the toy pistol. "This is different too many variables. You know what those are right."

"Well in this instance…actually you know the vacuum moves at a set rate of speed so…HEY" Nic jumped from her chair as a stream of water whizzed past her left shoulder.

"Consider it a warning shot OCD-Girl" Carmen brandished her weapon menacingly. She squealed and ducked narrowly avoiding Nicole’s answering shot.

"Look here… " Nicole fired again while at the same time rolling off the chaise lounge. She ducked behind the chaise and used it as a shield. She fired again - "Chef Boyardee" – and ducked down as Carmen’s return fire splashed uselessly against the chaise.

"Don’t call me Chef Boyardee!" Carmen’s hissed, "You know I hate it."

"Oh that’s right you were fucking Chef Boyardee this summer not trying to be Chef Boyardee."

"Fuck you Nicole."

"You already did. You fucked me over good." Nicole came out from behind the chaise to stand in front of the still seated Carmen who looked up at her with a mixture of anger and confusion on her face, she thought they’d been playing. Nic blasted her on the chest, "Don’t you think so, don’t you think you fucked me over?" The blonde fired another round or six at Carmen - "Don’t you because it sure feels like you did." – before collapsing to her knees in front of her lover. The water gun slid from Nicole’s hand to clatter on the tile as she began to cry. Carmen’s hand hovered over Nic’s bowed head, unsure whether her touch would be more of a comfort than a pain to her lover. At last she let her hand run through short blonde hair, down the side of Nicole’s face finally cupping the kneeling girl’s chin. With gentle pressure she brought Nicole’s face up so that their gazes met.

"Fucking you over would have been lying to you. Fucking you over would have been never talking it over with you. Fucking you over would have been never coming back. I didn’t fuck you over I made a mistake. A stupid, stupid mistake and I’m sorry."

"What did you…what do you need that I’m not…"

"No that’s not it you don’t lack…this…it wasn’t about your lack. In no way shape or form are you lacking as a partner Nicole. None. The lack was in me. It wasn’t something you…you made it possible for me to"

She paused to consider her words carefully. I have to get this right I have to make her see.

"The lack…you gave me the chance to fill that lack. I had this incredible summer because you gave me the space to explore a part of myself, because you gave me that security. You Nicole, only you have ever made me feel safe enough secure enough to step outside what I know. And selfishly I took the opportunity without really thinking through what it would mean to you and how you would truly feel underneath what you wanted to feel, what you thought you should feel. I’ve been thinking a lot now though, even if it is too late and I have fucked up everything. I love you. I know you love me and I don’t want things to end with us. I have never wanted that. This summer I learned…I learned a lot. I learned that for me men, a man, is a possibility but a woman, one woman…you. You are a necessity Nicole I need you. And as much fun as I had with him" – Carmen’s thumb swept the tears from under Nicole’s eye – "everything pales in comparison to even the dullest times with you. I learned that this summer. I learned that my place, my heart is with you. It has been yours’ since the first time I woke up next to you. I’m sorry that I ever made you doubt that. I thought the rules we agreed on would allay your fears, your issues around abandonment and that when I came home it would all go back to the way things were. I’m sorry that they can’t. I’m sorry I got pregnant. I’m sorry I couldn’t see the obvious…that you would give me everything and anything to make me happy even at the expense of your own happiness. And the worst thing that could happen is if I lost you, you are my world Nicole. You are my life Nikki, you are my first and last thought of the day, when I think of my future I think of you. When I think of my past there is only before you and after you and well before you I didn’t really have a life. Before you I just existed but loving you, being loved by you that brought me to life."

Carmen bent down to brush her lips against Nicole’s in the barest of feather-light caresses.

"You asked me if I was sure about tomorrow…"

"You have to be" Nicole said hoarsely.

"And I am. It’s for the best, for me, for you…for us. It’s for the best and I know that it’s the right decision. You need to understand this I’m not having this abortion for you or even for us, this decision it’s all about me…the fact that it’s good for you and for us as a couple that just makes it all the better. But regardless it’s the choice I would make."

"I’m sorry you have to make it."

"So am I. You…you’re the only person whose ever made me feel safe, gave me a sense of security you know. Safe enough and secure enough to explore new things stretch my wings so to speak and…and you gave me that freedom. But I never, I never really thought about the price for that freedom. The price to you…to us. I’m sorry that you have to pay the price too."

Tears streamed down Carmen’s face as she spoke and Nicole reached up to brush them away. "I wanted you to be happy to have…I wanted to…I’m sorry I wasn’t able to be more honest with myself and with you. The truth is that I didn’t really think about the price either not realistically at any rate because even as you were asking me and I was saying yes my heart, my soul was screaming no. And I ignored that because I wanted you to…"

"And I did Nikki, thank you. Thank you for loving me, for having the faith in our love to trust that I would come back." Carmen stood pulling Nicole up with her as she did so. "Thank you for letting me come back."

"This needs to be the last time…I can’t again." Nicole’s voice cracked, with a small sob she threw her arms around the taller girl who held her close stroking her hair with one hand and her back with the other. They clung to each other for a few minutes, Nicole with her face buried in the crook of Carmen’s neck; Carmen with hers’ buried in Nicole’s hair.

"Me either Nikki. Me either."

Half an hour later they were climbing into bed.  The moonlight coming through the picture window cast a hazy silvery glow barely enough illumination for them to be able to see each other.  They lay there face to face until with a sigh and a whimper they moved into each others arms.

"You know what today is?" Carmen asked softly.

"Monday" was the sleepy reply.  Nicole's arms tightened, she snuggled closer to Carmen who kissed her forehead and chuckled softly. "It's the twelfth, the first time I drove you home from work." Nicole kissed the line of Carmen's jaw as she continued speaking in a low tone, "The first time we really talked.  The first time I held your hand."

Carla

it's a one time thing...it just happens a lot (Suzanne Vega, Cracking)