Fandom: Popular

Series: Three Times Table

Title: Floating on the Ceiling: April

Author: Carla

Email: cmfloresfd@yahoo.com

Pairing: B/A

**** All the rest can be found in the first two parts ****

A/N: (1) Once again let me reitterate.  This is an AU story.  If you don't like the pairing and can't get past your basic unease with it to get into the flow of the actual fic then don't read it.  The same goes for the subject matter.  Either way remember to confine feedback to the fic not the author herself.

(2) Okay so I chickened out somewhat but it was for my own safety and sanity I think. This explains the somewhat unexpected track this takes.

(3) The infamous Tuna-gate tape never got made though another one, that has not made the rounds of Kennedy HS, did. Thanks Paulie for telling me about the tape in the first place.

Enjoy

I know you have questions. I know I must confuse you. I confuse myself. One minute I want one thing and the next I don’t. I know it must suck not knowing how I’ll respond to things. And the thing is I know I’ve gotten worse, jumpier you know, almost in direct proportion to how much I want you. How much I want to be with you. How I want to be with you. But I’m scared you know and I don’t want to be, not with you.

The thing is that I haven’t been scared with other people. You could even say that I’ve been somewhat of a whore, a slut whatever you want to call it, you’d be surprised at what goes on at some of these Cons and what you can get up to without ever checking into a room. But with you I’m scared maybe because I love you and I’ve never made love to someone I’ve only ever had sex. Maybe it’s because deep down I trust you but even deeper down I distrust my ability to judge after all I trusted Charlie and he broke that trust horribly.

I haven’t been able bring myself to speak to you about him, about what happened but it’s starting to affect us and I know that I need to. I think you might even need me to. But how do I explain, how do I make you understand why it is that I can let go in your car, in the stacks at the library, in the park even but not in your room. How do I explain that I wanted him to do those things to me, that I wanted his words, I wanted that submission I wanted that pain. That everything was consensual except that live feed camera that was connected to the video monitor in the basement rec. room where twelve of his frat buddies watched and one of them made a tape. Should I even tell you about the tape? But then how can I not and explain why I freaked in your room the other day.

Would you understand that part of me needs that, craves that sort of play, not all the time but some times or will you think I’m sick, an even bigger social freak than I already am. Will you think I’m a fool for feeling like I was raped and violated when technically I wasn’t? Will you think I’m an idiot for being paranoid about doing things in your room once you know why? Would you be okay in my room, where I can control things, but where unfortunately my overly curious sister shares a very thin wall with me? And more importantly will you still be around the morning after? Because I do want there to be a "night before" for there to be a "morning after" of, you know. And that’s what it’s really all about, what I’m really so afraid of, that to you it will all have been fun and games nothing more. And me, me I was "just some freak along the way" like Charlie said I was.

The phone rings it’s you, who else would it be at this hour, the first thing you say is you love me, the second is that you have something to ask me, the third is your question. Then there’s my answer and the fourth thing you say which is the most incredible thing of all, "I was going to invite you to spend the night when my parents leave town during the holiday but maybe you should invite me over instead". I feel this incredible wave of love and relief, with a healthy dose of lust mixed in, wash over me. You still love me, you still want to be with me and I’m pretty sure you’ll be around for the tomorrows too.