Ex Parte Communications

Fandom: The Practice

Series: Wonderland: Side Bars

Title: Ex Parte Communications

Author: Carla

Disclaimer: As I've mentioned before, I am not David E. Kelley, despite my fervant prayers to the contrary. I am playing in Mr. Kelley's sandbox without his permission but much gratitude. No harm is intended and certainly no profit is made.

Archiving: okay to various list archives and the Realm all others please ask. It is highly unlikely I shall say no. All my flights of fancy and delusional writings can be found at http://www.realmoftheshadow.com/carla.htm

Author's Note(s): (1) For Meg and Sinanna who wanted to know Helen's backstory. This is just a start.

(2)This is more of an arc off the main Wonderland story line. Side Bars is Helen's series, starting with her history with Lindsay and eventually moving on to her life with Eleanor. Or at least that's the plan for now. ;-)

(3) This is totally un-beta-ed and is primarily the product of too much aspartame and an over indulgence of 'kindness'. Therefore any and all mistakes are mine and I claim full responsibility for them.

Feedback, should you care to bestow it upon me, can be sent directly to me at cmfloresfd@yahoo.com. Don't be shy tell me what you think.

"How does someone know when they're gay? I mean do you just wake up one day and you know or is it that you fall in love and then you know, or what?"

"I don't know I imagine it's different for everyone. Why the sudden interest?"

"Do you think you could ever fall in love with another woman?"

"I don't know. I mean I'd like to think that I would be able to see past someone's gender to their' soul. To what lies beneath the surface, you know, but I don't know if I could. Not enough to really do something about it anyway."

"I can understand that" Helen blinked back unexpected tears.

"Do you think you could?"

"I think I am."

"I see. Who?"

"My roommate, Lindsay."

"Does she know?"

"Uh-uh"

"You going tell her?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"She wouldn't be into it."

"How do you know?"

"I just do," Helen sighed forlornly. "Things she's said you know."

"I've seen you two together...I don't know...If I were you I'd say something. You might be pleasantly surprised."

"What do you think Mom and Dad would say?"

"If you brought home a girl?"

"No a schnauzer" Helen snapped out.

"Well I think they'd be a little surprised given your history but they'd probably be alright with it eventually. Of course if I were you I wouldn't bring just any girl home you know how they are, you know how she can be. As for a schnauzer, Mom's been thinking about getting a new dog. Lady's been gone almost a year and she's ready."

"You really think I should say something to her?'

"What's the worst that can happen really?"

"She thinks I'm a complete freak, moves out and never talks to me again."

"On the other hand you might get exactly what you want."

/ / / / / / / / / / / /

It had started innocently enough with the routine semi-flirting banter they always engaged in, nothing more nothing less. But it changed when one of the drunken frat boys at the party, noting the chemistry between them, offered the pair one hundred dollars if they'd make out right then and there. They'd laughed it off at the time but later as they walked the few short blocks to their' off campus apartment it came up again.

"Hel?"

"Yeah"

"Would it have been so horrible?" the brunette shot Lindsay a puzzled look, she wasn't quite sure what the blonde was talking about. "Kissing me. For a hundred bucks would it have been so horrible?"

"No, no it wouldn't have been. But I don't want to kiss you under those circumstances," Helen abruptly shut her mouth she hadn't meant to say that much. Now Lindsay would know for sure what they had always danced around, Helen's obvious attraction to her.

"What does that mean?"

"Nothing forget I said it."

"No I won't 'forget it', what did you mean?" Lindsay grabbed Helen's arm, "Look at me Helen and explain what you meant."

"Lindsay I didn't mean anything by it okay. Can we just go home." She shook the other girl's hand off and continued walking towards their building.

"Helen...wait up" Helen waited for her at the corner. They stood under the harsh glare of the streetlight silently staring at each other for what seemed, to Helen, an eternity before Lindsay finally spoke again. "I love you Helen. You're my best friend. How could I not love you, but I'm not...I don't love you that way." She'd been about to say 'I'm not attracted to you' but that would have been a lie because she was attracted to Helen she realized. But she wasn't 'in love' with Helen, the way she suspected the brunette was with her. She wouldn't do that, dangle the carrot of her physical attraction to Helen in front of her nose. Teasing wasn't Lindsay's style.

"I know" tears streamed down Helen's face in silent testament to her pain.

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be, you have absolutely nothing to be sorry about."

The light changed and they crossed the street walking the last half block to the apartment building in silence. The silence continued on the elevator ride to the 8th floor, down the hall to their door. And all the way inside, where Helen quickly shed her coat then locked herself in her bedroom. Later, as Lindsay lay in bed wide awake and thinking, she heard Helen's muffled cries of sorrow pictured her tearstained face and cried herself to sleep as well.

/ / / / / / / / / / / / / /

Lindsay rapped on Helen's door, "Helen! Helen, wake up. If you don't get up now we're going to be late." On the other side of the door Helen could be heard whispering to someone and giggling. "Oh great," Lindsay began to pound on the door, "Helen we talked about this just last week. NO OVERNIGHT GUESTS."

The door opened to reveal Helen, wearing an oversized T-shirt, a 'just fucked' smile and nothing else. "Good morning Lindsay. Something I can do for you?"

"Are you coming to class or what?"

Helen glanced over her shoulder at her guest then back at Lindsay, "Or what."

Lindsay grabbed Helen's wrist, yanked her into the hallway and closed the door to the bedroom. "We agreed, 'No overnight guests.' Remember?" she hissed.

"As I recall it was 'No overnight guests without clearing it first.' I asked you about Gracie visiting a month ago. You said okay. Or is the problem the nature of the visit?"

"NO! Well Yes! I don't know. Every time I turn around someone new is coming out of your room."

"Oh so now I'm a slut!"

"That's not what I said."

"No it's what you implied and I don't appreciate it."

"Well what else am I supposed to think? Last week it was Devon, the week before that Mitchell. Two weeks before Mitchell it was some girl named Claire you met at mock trial. And now this girl, Grace."

"She's my cousin's girlfriend. She's here to interview at Harvard Law tomorrow."

"Oh," Lindsay blushed deep red with embarrassment and stuttered out an apology.

"Oh no don't apologize you're right. I did sleep with her." Helen ducked her head and leaned back against the wall opposite her bedroom door. "Although I hadn't intended that to happen. It just did."

"It just did." Lindsay sneered. "What you fell face first into her crotch and couldn't get up."

"Oh don't be crass, Linds."

"Crass is fucking your cousin's girlfriend Helen." Helen winced and ran her hand through her hair.

"I know. I don't know what I was thinking. It seemed like a good idea at the time." Just then the door to Helen's bedroom opened again and the subject of the roommates' conversation joined them in the hallway.

"Good Morning. You must be Lindsay. I'm Grace," the petite redhead stuck her hand out and Lindsay shook it perfunctorily.

"Hi nice to meet you." Lindsay looked at Helen "I better get going I don't want to be late."

"Copy your notes?"

"Sure yeah" she waved off handedly and went to gather her bag and jacket leaving the other women to their awkward silence.

"So?"

"Yeah"

"So that was Lindsay." Grace's voice trailed off.

"Yeah" Helen nodded.

"She is cute"

"Yeah"

"She becomes amazingly monosyllabic when she's nervous and you're pretty cute yourself," Lindsay said as she breezed past them and out the door.

"Is that so?"

"Yeah"

"Is that all you have to say?"

"Come back to bed."

"What's my name?"

"Grace", Helen said in a puzzled tone.

"Try to remember that", the redhead reached for Helen's hand and kissed the palm.

"Oh God. I'm sorry."

"It's okay I understand about wanting and I don't think she heard."

/ / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / /

"Lindsay" Helen said breathlessly, the elevator was broken and she'd practically run up the twelve flights of stairs to their apartment, the day's mail clutched in her sweaty death grip. "They're here" she held up two envelopes and then collapsed on the sofa next to her roommate.

"Oh God. I'm nervous." Lindsay snatched the envelopes out of Helen's hand and inspected them. "Well they're the same size at least."

"And they're not skinny. That's a good sign right 'cause a skinny envelope means "No" usually. Acceptance letters usually come with paperwork don't they."

"They did when I was applying for college."

"So you see it's good news. Law school shouldn't be any different right."

"I can't open it" Lindsay thrust an envelope at Helen. "You go first"

"How about we open them together."

"Okay"

"Count of three" They counted in unison, ripping open the envelopes when they reached three.

"I got in Lindsay. I got into Harvard Law."

"Me too."

Much screaming, jumping up and down and hugging ensued. In their exuberance they ended up on the floor somehow, Helen hovering over Lindsay, their lips only inches apart. Helen's heart slammed into her chest and she was afraid that Lindsay would hear it and know. Know that Helen still loved her, still wanted her. Would know that Helen had been waiting for her since that night sophomore year when they'd made love. And then Lindsay's hand slipped behind Helen's neck to twine in thick ebon hair so that she could, with gentle pressure, guide Helen's lips to her own.

"Oh God Helen", Lindsay could feel the weight of the other woman's body shift as she rolled off of Lindsay to sit with her back against the sofa in one fluid motion.

"Don't Lindsay. Please," she looked down at Lindsay, who still lay on her back, with tear filled eyes and gave her a tight smile, "Don't say it. I already know."

"What do you know?"

"I know that you don't love me the way I love you. I know that I'm stu...I know that I could wait forever and it wouldn't change anything and," she sniffled loudly, "I know I shouldn't."

"No you shouldn't."

"Maybe it would be best if we didn't live together next year."

"Why we're at the same point we've always been, nothing's changed."

'No nothing's changed. Maybe that's why because nothing's changed."