Fandom: The Practice
Series: Wonderland: Side Bars
Title: Toast (ed)
Author: Carla
Email: cmfloresfd@yahoo.com
Rating: R for prolonged use of recreational herbal essences
Pairing: No pairing per se but lots of pining.
Disclaimer: Well last I checked, and that was two days ago when my new driver’s license came in the mail, I was not David E. Kelley. This is frustrating for two reasons: First this means I am still not married to Michelle Pfeiffer and more importantly it means I am not the owner, originator, creator or genius behind The Practice. What this does mean though is that I am playing in Mr. Kelly’s sandbox without his permission but with much gratitude. No profit made and no harm was intended to result from this original work of fiction.
Archiving: Okay to the Realm all others please ask. All my flights of fancy and delusion can be found at http://www.realmoftheshadow.com/carla.htm
Summary: Unrequited love equals much angst.
Author’s Notes: This isn’t beta-ed so any and all mistakes are mine and mine alone. I would be delighted to know what you think. Feedback of all shapes and sizes can be sent to me on whichever list you are reading this on or at cmfloresfd@yahoo.com.
Enjoy.
"If you were giving the toast at my wedding right now what would you say?" Lindsay took a long hit off of Mrs. Butterworth, as Helen’s bong was affectionately known, then passed it on to her best friend and roommate.
Helen took a hit and held her breath. She used the time to think of how she would answer Lindsay’s question without revealing too much about how she really felt for the other woman. Setting the bong aside, she exhaled and reached for the can of soda on the coffee table.
"God Linds I don’t know. How long have we known each other anyway?"
I remember everything about the day we met. But I couldn’t possibly say that right. That you were wearing blue sweatpants, a T-shirt from Disneyworld and white Nikes. Your hair was tied up in a ponytail, the scrunchy was this deep purple and your hair… the color of your hair reminded me of honey.
"Since high school that’s what twelve, thirteen years I think." Lindsay took another hit, "So come on answer the question"
Thirteen years one month exactly, the first day of high school gym class with Mrs. Burke.
"I guess I’d say something about how much I love you and how happy I am for you. Yada, yada yada and then I’d segue into an appropriately embarrassing story. Finally ending with best wishes and welcoming him into the family."
It’s not like I could really say what I wanted to anyway right. I couldn’t say I love you Lindsay Dole. I have loved you almost since the moment I met you. Freshman year gym class I sat in the third row fourth dot. You sat in the second row third dot.
"How generic of you Helen" Lindsay said dreamily. She was sitting on the floor, back against the couch, head thrown back so that she looked up at the ceiling. "I should think you could do better than that. After all you’re the one who won all those extemporaneous speech competitions in high school."
"I assure you that when the time comes I’ll perform more than adequately. Why are you smiling like that?"
"Like what?"
"Like that…that big stupid smirk."
"You are high. You are high," Lindsay said in a singsong voice. She turned her head in Helen’s direction but did not open her eyes. " You always get that pompous tone when you get high."
"Do I? Sorry." Even without looking at her Lindsay knew that Helen was blushing with embarrassment.
"Don’t be. It’s one of the things I find most amusing about getting high with you."
"And what else do you like about getting high with me?"
"I like that I feel safe with you, safe enough to let go. That and…" Lindsay’s voice trailed off into a soft snore.
Helen smiled down affectionately at Lindsay from her seat on the sofa, trust Lindsay to fall asleep in the middle of a thought. Helen shifted slightly afraid of waking Lindsay but wanting to be closer to her all the same. She tentatively reached out to sift long silken hair through her fingers.
I wish I could tell you the toast I’ve dreamed about giving you. I wish I could toast you at our wedding. I wish I could say…wish I may wish I might wish upon the lovely stars tonight it feels so right in your arms I want to hold on tight I wish I may wish I might. A tear slid down Helen’s face and she absentmindedly wiped it away. Without realizing it Helen whispered aloud.
"Lindsay and I met the first day of high school freshman year. We had gym class at eight in the morning and I sat in the third row fourth dot and Lindsay, she sat in the second row third dot. Forty-five minutes later we were sure about two things; we hated Mrs. Burke and we liked each other immensely. Shortly after that I fell in love with her. I’d like to say that that’s when she fell in love with me too but such was not the case. It took her a bit longer to get there but she did, finally, and here we are. I can’t remember a time when I didn’t love Lindsay, when I didn’t need her in my life. So today I ask everyone to raise their glass to Lindsay, my bride, my wife my best friend. The most incredible person I’ve ever met, this woman who makes the sun brighter, the moon more perfect and the stars shine; who graces me with her presence…I love you Lindsay Dole. I have almost from the beginning and I always will."
That would be my toast or close to it. I practice it every now and then like an actor rehearsing in the mirror or a masochist. Take your pick because I’m never going to get to say it, am I? I know what will happen here. You’ll meet some guy and fall in love and get married. I’ll be your Maid of Honor and I’ll try not to lose it completely when you say; "I do". And I’ll try not to remember that one night when you were mine; when you wanted me, my lips on yours’, my mouth on your skin. Try to forget how incredible, how fucking spectacular, it was being inside you, hearing you call my name when you came. Try to forget how you held me inside you and begged me not to stop.
Helen stood. She gathered up the remains of their evening, her bong, the film canister where she kept her stash and her lighter. She put everything away in her room then returned to the living room intending to wake Lindsay.
You look so beautiful, like an angel.
Lindsay’s eyes fluttered open and she smiled up at Helen, standing above her. "You sat behind Sally Galbyrd."
"You remember her name" Helen said with amazement. Sally Galbyrd had been the first girl she’d ever kissed and she could barely remember the girl’s name. "You heard?"
Lindsay ignored Helen's last question in favor of another. "Wasn’t she the first girl you ever kissed?"
"I never told you that did I?!"
"No I saw you under the bleachers once. Junior Prom I think."
"I didn’t go to our Junior Prom, that was the night my grandmother went into the hospital."
"Not our Junior Prom. What was his name, the guy you dated freshman year…Chip, Chad something like that."
"Chaz"
"Chaz the Spazz that’s right."
"He was not a spazz. He was captain of the swim team."
"He dressed up as Spock for Halloween. He might as well have worn a sign that read "I am a DORK". Dork spelled in capital letters mind you."
"He was my first boyfriend cut me some slack, my taste has improved don’t you think?"
"Please," Lindsay snorted. "Your taste improved dramatically simply by kissing Sally Galbyrd under the bleachers."
"Yours’ wasn’t much better you went with David Avter if memory serves. He was such an asshole, he was always hitting on me when you weren’t around."
"Yeah he was a prick but god I thought I was in love with him at the time. Anyway was she?"
"Huh? Oh Sally yeah she was."
"What were you doing kissing her under the bleachers anyway."
"Think about it Linds." Lindsay gave her a puzzled look. "Sally was a junior the guy she took was a sophomore named Jeff…"
"Kranis that’s right he was on the swim team with Chaz."
"So put two and two together and you get…"
"Oh I get it. So you mean you and Sally?"
"For a couple of months then she went away to be a counselor at some Girl Scout Camp in Pennsylvania for the summer and met someone."
"That must have sucked."
"Nah it was okay." It’s not like I didn’t pretend it was you anyway. "We didn’t so much like each other as like what we did to each other. If you know what I mean."
"I see said the blind man."
No you don’t. You can’t even see what’s right in front of you.
Helen held a hand out to Lindsay, who grabbed it and gave a sharp unexpected tug that brought Helen crashing down almost on top of her. Their faces were close, almost touching and Helen fought the urge to kiss Lindsay. She could always blame it on the pot as Lindsay had once blamed everything on alcohol.
If I kissed you now what would happen, would you push me away and tell me it was a mistake. Or would you let me, would you kiss me back. Because sometimes I think you would, like now.
"Helen" Lindsay’s voice snapped the rail-thin brunette out of her reverie. "You okay?" The whispered question was like a caress across Helen’s cheek and she frantically scrabbled to stand up, to get away before lust overcame her better judgement.
"Um…Yeah I’m fine." Helen wiped sweaty palms on her jeans covered thighs. You really are blind aren’t you? Once again she held a hand out to Lindsay, "Try not to rip my arm out of its socket this time."
Lindsay stood, throwing her arms around Helen she gave her a hug and a peck on the cheek.
"Night Helen. I love you."
"Night Linds. I love you too." I love you so much it hurts almost.
Lindsay watched Helen shut the door to her room, just off the living room, then made the short journey down the hall to her own bedroom. As she passed Helen’s door she paused to touch it and sighed. Helen never heard her murmured "I heard".
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