Collateral Damage

Fandom: Popular

Series: Scenes from an Italian Restaurant

Title: Collateral Damage

Author: Carla

Pairing: N/C

Rating: A for angst. R for theme.

Disclaimers: Don't own 'em never have never will. That honor belongs to Ryan Murphy and some suits at Touchstone Television I believe. I do claim credit for the original characters and the actual story itself. Song lyrics correctly or incorrectly quoted most definitely do not belong to me.

Archiving: This and all my other flights of fancy may be found at http://www.realmoftheshadow.com/carla.htm

A/N: Many many relationships survive infidelity and its aftermath but the reality is it takes hard work. Very hard work. Having been on both sides of the fence I know this all too well. Obviously this fic takes place during the events of Little Souvenir, eventually it will go past that timeline. I hope to show the hard work that these two women will have to go through to get back to where they once were. Or as close to it as you can get after something like this. I thought I'd start with Nicole, seeing as how she is the agrieved party and because, for now at any rate Carmen's story, her side and her experiences is still a little to close to home.

Feed back should you deign to grace me with it can be sent to me either on list or off list at cmfloresfd@yahoo.com.

Part One

"You look like hell, rough day?" Paul Holly slid his lunch tray on the table and sat down opposite Nicole, who was working on a crossword puzzle and her fifth cup of coffee of the day.

"Rough day, rough week, rough month, rough year."

"What’s going on?"

It was Thursday, which meant therapy day number two for Nicole. Glancing at her watch the blonde stood and picked up her bag lying on the floor by her feet, "Thanks Paulie but I’ve got to get going."

"Nic what’s going on with you, you’ve been like this for months; since the beginning of summer. I’m worried about you."

"That’s nice," she said bitterly then softened somewhat in the face of his obvious concern, "Paul, I know you mean well but I can’t right now."

"I know I know you’re always rushing off somewhere these days though."

"We’ll get together this weekend okay?"

"I’ll call you tonight. We need to go over some of the specs for…"

"I’ll call you then," with that she turned and left.

Paul, my friend from school, he says that I’ve been acting weird for months. Since the beginning of the summer, he’s worried about me I know he cares. I know he’d listen but I just can’t. I can hardly bring myself to talk about it all here with you. How long have I been coming to see you now, almost a year right? And I can’t even…It’s been two weeks since she told me and…I can feel myself becoming hard, cold. I’m so cold. How could she do this to me? Is that selfish? I mean it’s not just about me right? But you know what, I don’t care really. I told you she got in touch with him right? Well he should be arriving today. He’s probably laughing right now about how fucking whipped I am. Brooke says the same thing, except she doesn’t put it that way, she says Carmen has me wrapped around her little finger. I mean I guess she sorta does but it doesn’t feel like that usually you know. Usually it…I guess it’s never really been so black and white before. But it usually doesn’t feel like that, it’s mutual give and take.

I haven’t been able to sleep in our bed since then. It feels dirty somehow. I start out there but once she falls asleep I get up. Sometimes I sit there watching her sleep and I think, "You bitch. You careless stupid bitch after everything I’ve done for you everything I’ve given you." But then I think about what she’s given me, what she’s done for me, and what I did to her said to her in the past, before there was an ‘us’. And in the beginning of ‘us’ when I wouldn’t tell anyone, when I wouldn’t let her tell anyone, even though I knew how much that hurt her. Knew it made her feel like I was ashamed of her. Lily had to point that out to me, that she felt that way on some level, I was too wrapped up in myself…in appearances to really notice at first.

She’s supposed to go on Monday but he’s coming to ask her to have it I know he is. She says it doesn’t matter what he wants what he asks. That the only one of us who matters is me and what I want. But a part of me doesn’t believe her. I want to but I don’t because if what I wanted mattered she’d have never slept with him in the first place.

I know I said okay and I meant it really I did. But I guess it was more in theory than in practice because frankly practice hurts a hell of a lot more than I thought it would. She laughed bitterly. Reminds me of this old joke. What’s the definition of Catholicism? Practice makes pregnant. Thank God she really isn’t all that Catholic you know because then…you know. She’d want to have it and probably keep it and…and I couldn’t. I just couldn’t handle that. I don’t know what I would do then. Yeah I do I’d go ballistic.

The thing is that I know what she’s going through. What she will go through. I know what it’s like to be on the table, your feet in the stirrups the helplessness you can’t help but feel. And afterwards…I know how that feels too. Alone at night with just your thoughts, your doubts your guilt, I know how that feels. I know she didn’t get pregnant on purpose, I know she didn’t do that. I know that she still loves me, still cares for me. I just don’t know how much I believe it, really believe it, like I used to. Why wasn’t I enough, she’s enough for me. Since that first kiss she’s been ‘enough’, she’s been everything and now I can’t even sleep next to her. There’s this line from a song that keeps going through my head; "You give me the most gorgeous sleep that I’ve ever had"…she. The first time I slept over at her place was the first time in years that I slept through the night. I remember I fell asleep on her bed while she was at work, she’d just moved into the efficiency apartment above the diner where she was working. I’d unpacked her books, CDs and some other stuff, she didn’t have a sofa so when I was done I lay down on the futon she was using as a bed and started reading something for school. Next thing I know she’s shaking me awake. It was only her second night in the apartment, she’d never lived alone…she said she was a little scared and asked me to stay the night so I did. It was the first time in years that I’d slept without getting up for a couple of hours. I remember that when I woke up the clock by her bed read 5:14 exactly. And I felt rested, like finally for the first time in years my batteries were fully charged. The first thing I did was grab my journal and start writing. She was still asleep and all I could do was stare at her and write in my journal about how incredible she was. How much I loved falling asleep next to her while we held hands.

Nicole glanced at her watch, noting that she only had about five minutes left in the session she pulled her checkbook out, "I was wondering if maybe we could get together tomorrow."

"The only time I have available would be either at eleven in the morning or six in the evening."

"Eleven is fine. Should I make the check out for all three sessions or do you prefer a separate one for tomorrow?" Normally she paid for both her weekly sessions at the time of her second visit.

"One check is fine. Do you maybe want to schedule some extra time for next week as well?"

"That sounds like a good idea."

"Friday again at eleven?"

"Sure," Nicole tore a check out of her register and passed it over to her therapist, "Thanks Cindy."

They stood simultaneously and made their way to the door, "Call me tonight if you need to. You have my number right?" Nicole nodded. "Otherwise I’ll see you tomorrow at eleven okay."

"Eleven it is."

Part Two

So as luck would have it he called last night, turns out he’s engaged now and she came with him. I think maybe Carmen…she was surprised to say the least. Anyway he called last night and we ended up meeting them for dinner. I thought I wouldn’t…I thought I would hate him but… I mean I don’t "Like" him but I can see what she saw in him. He’s funny, charming kinda cute but still you know…Paulie, Paul he’s totally hot the kind of guy girls dream and he’s my best friend here and he’d so be into hooking up with me you know. I know he’s thought about it and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t think he was attractive but you don’t see me fucking him.

Last night I slept in the pool house. Or rather I stayed awake in the pool house. I can’t concentrate in class. I can’t stop obsessing over why? What need does she have that I’m not…before her I was all about playing the field. Sex was all about fun love never factored into it, really. And forget…I had a reputation in High School, some of it well deserved but not all of it. I wasn’t quite the slut they made me out to be, at least not with any of those pathetic halfwits I went to school with. Now with Mother’s acquaintances that was a whole other story. Anyway the point is she changed that for me because now sex, it’s all about love, about loving her and…and anything else is just idle curiosity. And therefore not even worth pursuing. I found that out the hard way. Went out with Brooke, panicked when she asked me where my head was and let her practically give me to the next guy who came up to us. I remember his name was Kyle and the whole time I was kissing him I thought about Carmen about waking up with her that morning. Making out with her before we got up and got dressed for school. I got drunk and took him home with me…I couldn’t come for the longest time and then I imagined, remembered really, her hands on me that morning. And that was it BAM! Oh God I sound like that idiot Emeril on the Food Network, see what I do for her. I watch that crap…I used to never watch that kind of stuff but here we are almost three years later and what do I have to show for it. A pregnant girlfriend and damn near every episode of "Emeril Live!" on videotape.
We didn’t talk about it at all last night. It was like being at one of those dinner parties my mother used to have we were all so polite, dancing around the one subject we were all dying to talk about. So instead we’re supposed to meet them in Albany this evening. We booked a room at the hotel where they’re staying. I don’t know that I really want to go. I think maybe she…last night in the car when we were driving home she made it a point to reassure me that she was going to get rid of it. And I’m glad. Is that wrong? Does that make me a bad person? Or worse what if its some sort of bad Karma thing you know like later on when we want to have kids we won’t be able to or something like that.

What… well of course one day sure, why wouldn’t I?

That’s the reason I’m here isn’t it, because I want to be with her. I’m not interested in ending my relationship. I don’t think its come to that. I hope it hasn’t come to that. Because if it has its not on my part. I love her that hasn’t changed. Sure I’m angry and I don’t…the trust has been compromised to say the least, but that doesn’t change the basic fact that I love her; that I want to be with her. That I need her that a part of me feels like its unraveling and I need her to make me whole again. At the same time though I’m not all that inclined to let her near enough right now. The disease is the cure the cure is the disease and all that jazz.

I started smoking again. Regularly I mean. I t helps me sleep but then I feel off the next day, kinda foggy. Of course the big problem is that before I fall asleep it leaves me way horny and well…When she came home…Oh God its like I wanted to drown in her and now. Now…you ever see that Spike Lee movie, She’s Gotta Have It? There’s this scene…I can’t get it out of my head and the line just keeps taunting me…Anyway the main character is this chick, I can’t remember her name, I can remember the actresses name though," Nicole snorted derisively. "Amazing how memory works isn’t it, I mean how you always seem to remember the most trivial crap at the most questionable of times. The night Carmen told me, when she woke me up I had this flash of my grandmother and the last summer we went to the lake house. I couldn’t even tell you what prompted her to say what she did to me but she did. Anyway we were having lunch on the dock watching the ducklings play and she said to me; "Nicole remember this, your bedroom is your sanctuary. It should be the place where you feel safest, where you go to regain your equilibrium after a hard day. Try not to bring stress and anger into it, especially when you’re married." So now, now I can’t even sleep in my bedroom much less take comfort there. And I keep thinking about that movie…"

"You never saw it? It’s...This girl, Nola, that’s her name, any way she’s a player has three guys in her life that she gets it on with blah, blah blah. At any rate somewhere towards the end of the movie there’s this one fellow that she calls over, the guy she "cares" about most out of the three, and I don’t really recall the details, but it ends up where he comes over and he. It was hard to tell if the sex was meant to be entirely consensual but rough or if it really is a rape scene. I think it’s a rape scene though but the thing is he keeps saying; "Who’s pussy is this?" over and over, while he’s fucking her, as if her body wasn’t her own to share with whom she pleased but his property, until she starts crying and saying it’s his. It was totally about ownership you know and well," she paused and bit her lip. She swallowed past the sudden constriction in her throat; she would be honest here if nowhere else. If she couldn’t here in therapy then where really, she thought to herself. "There’s a part of me that just wants to dominate and humiliate her like that. I want her to prove to me that she’s mine that…I don’t want to hurt her, not physically at least, but emotionally I want her to hurt. And I want her to…Brooke says the fact that Carmen’s going to have an abortion should be proof enough, that to demand anything more of her borders on the sadistic. But I didn’t ‘demand it’ she offered. She brought it up, granted I’d made it clear not five minutes earlier that I wanted her out of the house. Not that that ever happened and yes I pretty much jumped on board the bandwagon ASAP but I’ve never out right demanded that she get rid of it.

At least I don’t think I did. I hope I haven’t because then…later I know what will happen. She’ll blame me, on some level she’ll blame me. Just like I blame my mother.

Oh wow…I never made that connection before.

Wow.

Part Three

Nicole rose from the bed, slipped into her robe and made her way to the door. The still form on the bed didn’t stir, the sheet continued to rhythmically rise and fall as Carmen slept on. The blonde opened the door just enough to slip through and into the hallway taking care to close the door behind her as quietly as possible. She went downstairs to the family room and lay down on the butter-soft leather sofa. Fifteen minutes later she gave up on the idea that she might actually sleep and picked up the TV remote.

Their orange and white tabby, Cider, jumped onto her lap. A little Law & Order marathon courtesy of TIVO, the cat’s rumbling purr and some scotch ought to do the trick, she thought to herself. Scooping the cat up in her arms she crossed the room to the antique basin stand they used as a liquor cabinet. They’d found it at an indoor flea market /antiques mall, their second week in the house.

*** Flashback ***

Nicole ran her had lovingly over delicately carved filigree. The wooden crib was exquisite, a one of a kind handcrafted work of art that had caught her eye more than an hour ago. She kept returning to it, almost as if she were under some sort of spell. Carmen was at another booth, further down the aisle, paying for an antique basin stand she’d declared perfect for use as a liquor cabinet.

"How much?" she asked the discretely hovering salesman. The price, $2,200.00, was steep for a crib, even one as beautiful as this one she thought. She had a brief fantasy of laying a baby down in it and seriously considered spending the money after all. "Is it negotiable?"

"No I’m afraid not." The salesman sniffed snootily, "You might want to try the next aisle down the vendors with the less expensive pieces are there."

"Thank you" Nicole contemplated the crib again. She jumped, startled by Carmen’s voice in her ear.

"Something I need to know sweetheart."

"No" she swatted the taller girl on the arm. "It’s beautiful don’t you think?"

"Yes it is. How much?" Nicole told her and she whistled. "Ouch. Well its not like you can’t afford it, get it if you want to."

"Where would we put it? We already have furniture in the guest bedrooms and it would be a shame to just put it in storage."

"We could freak your mother out and send it to her house," Carmen suggested brightly. "Or better yet mine. She’d really shit a brick then."

"Stop" Nicole rolled her eyes. "We could send it to Lily, with the understanding that we’d get it back."

"That seems like a pain in the ass. It’s nice but we don’t really need it."

"That’s true" Nicole sighed and turned away from the crib. "I was just…I had this little daydream," Nicole took Carmen’s hand as the taller girl led her towards another vendor booth. "Sometimes I wonder. I mean I know I made the right decision but I wonder sometimes you know."

Carmen stopped walking and pulled the shorter girl to her for a hug. She could count on one hand the number of times Nicole had referred to the abortion she had had as a fourteen-year-old freshman in high school. "I bet," she murmured into the blonde’s hair.

*** End Flashback ***

Nicole poured herself a double and returned to the sofa. The cat resumed his spot on her lap, butting her head with his hand and purring contentedly when she began to scratch him once again.

"Tomorrow’s the big day Cider." She took a long sip of scotch.

Meowrrr

"I hope this is the right decision. I mean I know it is…was for me. I just hope it’s the right one for her," another sip.

Meeeeowrr

"Maybe I should have bought that crib after all," she took another sip.

Meweooorrrr

"What do you think, big boy. My little rat bastard."

Meow

She finished off the scotch in one final gulp, wincing at the burning sensation as it went down her throat. "Maybe I should be talking to a human being about this, hmmm."

"Maybe"

Nicole looked at the cat in her lap then at the glass in her hand. With a small giggle she set the glass down on the end table. "If I didn’t know any better Cider I’d say I was having a Puss in Boots moment of massive proportions. But I do and I’m not so," she looked over her shoulder to see Donna standing in the doorway that lead into the main entryway. "Have a seat. You want a drink? I think I’m going to have another one."

Donna stepped into the room. "No thanks. You probably shouldn’t either."

"I don’t pay you to be my mother."

"But that doesn’t mean that I don’t care about you. And unless I’m mistaken I’m only six years older than you are so you do the math."

"Sorry" Nicole poured herself another shot, a single this time, and downed it.

"Apology accepted." Donna took the decanter Nicole was still holding out of the former cheerleader’s hand. "You need to talk to her and you know she hates it when you drink."

"I know but I don’t want to talk to her."

"Who said anything about want. You ‘need’ to speak to her. Unless …you don’t want your relationship to end do you?"

"No"

"I didn’t think so. Then you should talk to her. Tonight, tomorrow will be too late."

Nicole nodded. "I know…I just I don’t know what to say."

"I wish I could help you there but…" Donna shrugged her shoulders.

"So you know."

"Well I hear her in the mornings, after you leave." Carmen had a later schedule this semester, most days she did not have to be in class until noon. Whereas Nicole had an early schedule, three days a week she started at 8 AM, the other two she started at 9 AM. "The guy who’s been calling all weekend?"

"Yeah"

"I thought you two were, you know, monogamous?"

"We are, were. That is we are except for this. It was supposed to be just for the summer."

"Well you know…the best laid plans."

" ‘There are certain thrills lesbian love simply cannot provide, like paying for abortions from sperm gone awry.’ That’s a line from some song I found on the Internet the other day. I just about wet myself I was laughing so hard. I think I might be a little drunk."

"You think?"

"Or high, I toked up out back earlier."

"Combo maybe?"

"Could be." Nic leaned forward, elbows on knees, hands clasped tightly together, head hanging down. An air of despondency surrounded her, like a heavy cloak draped around her shoulders. "What should I do?"

"You still love her don’t you?"

"Of course."

"Then support her decision. Whatever it is."

"I can’t do that."

"Sure you can. You don’t have to be together in order to be supportive."

"Meaning?"

"Meaning you also have to take care of yourself. And if that means you can’t have that daily reminder around you then so be it."

"That sounds an awful lot like ‘end your relationship’ and I don’t want to. I just want things to go back to the way they were. Before the summer, when I…" the blonde’s voice faltered.

"When you were the only one." Donna rubbed Nicole’s back in a soothing circular pattern. "I know you do. And maybe one day you’ll get there again. Maybe you won’t. Either way the first step is talking to her."

/ / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / /

Nicole opened the door just wide enough to allow her to slip into the room. The last candle on Carmen’s bedside table was just beginning to sputter out, casting flickering shadows against the wall and across Carmen’s back. Nicole watched her from the doorway. God I love you.

"Nicole?"

"I’m right here."

Carmen rolled over to face her and patted the bed next to her, "Come sit."

The blonde shook her head, no. Instead she sat on the bench at the foot of the bed where the cats normally slept. "I love you. I’m still mad at you, still disappointed still really, really hurt. But I still love you."

"I love y…"

"Let me finish. Are you sure about tomorrow? Because you have to be sure, absolutely sure, whatever your decide you have to be sure. And whatever you decide I will support that decision."

"And what if I said I wanted to keep it, are you saying that you would support that?"

"No…Yes. Yes and no, I mean yes I’ll be as supportive of that decision as I can but our relationship…I’d be as supportive as a friend can be. But that’s it no more than that."

"In other words our relationship would be over."

"I think so. I think that’s what would end up happening because I…"

"It doesn’t matter anyway Nicole. ‘Cause I’m sure. I don’t want to have a child and not raise it. And right now I don’t want to raise a child. I can’t raise a child I’m nowhere near ready. Neither are you. And if it wasn’t for this whole cancer thing Mauricio would realize he isn’t either."

"Okay" Nicole stood and made her way to the door.

"When are you going to come back to bed? I mean to sleep the whole night you know. I know you leave when you think I’m asleep. I hear you in the mornings when you come in to get dressed."

"I’m sorry. I don’t mean to disturb you. I’ll move some of my things into the pool house."

"You don’t have to do that. I just miss you. I haven’t been sleeping well either. I never do without you."

"Even this summer."

"Especially this summer. I never spent the night with him, never let him spend the night with me either. Nighttime, sleep-time that’s for you and you alone Nicole, I thought you knew that."

"No." Nicole sighed heavily. "I haven’t slept well in months, not since the beginning of the summer. Except those first weeks when you came home. When you came back to me."

"I will always come back to you, Nicole. Always."

"No. No you won’t."

"Of course I…"

"No you won’t because once was enough. I won’t go through this again. I thought I could do it you know I thought…I’m sorry. I’m sorry I said yes when you asked. I thought I could handle it but…what a mistake. What a colossal mistake, to have said yes. To have given you permission to…to break my heart…how stupid was that? What a mistake, I won’t do it again."

The door opened and Nicole stood framed in the shaft of light from the hallway.

"I won’t"

"Nicole…"

The door closed, the candle finally sputtered out and Carmen was left alone in the dark.