TITLE: Ticket To Ride
AUTHOR: Angelina
EMAIL: angelina2006@hotmail.com
DISCLAIMER:All characters belong to Touchstone Television
Summary: My take on what happened in between telling the kids and the ending of 'After the first death' - read that one first!
Disclaimers: Contains f/f relationships. None of the characters are my property - they belong to Touchstone Television. I want neither credit nor money
Comments: I know what you're thinking - I didn't write this story...this is true, Carla did and I'd like to thank her for letting me play around with her story. And also for the title. Please let me know what you think.
Sam crept through the darkened house. She has spent hours with Brooke, soothing her, holding her, reassuring her. Eventually, exhausted from crying, Brooke had fallen into a fitful sleep. Sam was taking the opportunity to get a glass of water. As she neared the kitchen she noticed a dim light breaking through the darkness. She stopped when she reached the door, mesmerised by the sight in front of her. It was little Nicky. He was standing staring into the refrigerator, illuminated by the light, his blonde hair shining. The image moved Sam so profoundly that she couldn't prevent a sob from escaping her mouth.
Nicky turned. From the back, the light from the fridge formed a halo around his head, a perfect angel. Sam saw the worry evident in his big hazel eyes. She could read them perfectly, just as she could read his mother's. Sam attempted a smile for his benefit.
"Hey sport! Whatcha doin'?"
Nicky shrugged, still watching Sam uncertainly.
"I wanted some juice…then I didn't want it anymore when I got here."
Sam walked towards him, struggling to regain her composure. The last thing he needed was to see her crumble into an emotional wreck.
"You not thirsty anymore?" Sam asked, kneeling down so she was on level with Nicky.
He shook his head.
"No." He thought for a moment before continuing "Nell was crying a lot today. So was Mommy."
Sam nodded.
"I know kiddo. It's because they're sad about your Mama."
Nicky looked down. Then he sat down on the floor, folding his legs. Sam mirrored his actions. It was obvious that he wanted to talk about what had happened.
"I'm sad about Mama too." He said quietly.
"I know you are sweetie."
Again Sam fought back tears. She was the grown up. She needed to be strong for Nicky.
"Being sad isn't just crying. We know that you're sad too, even if you don't cry. However you feel, it's OK to feel like that. So don't worry…you know, sometimes it helps to talk about what you're feeling inside."
Sam tapped Nicky's chest. He looked up at her for a second. Then he scooted over and planted himself in Sam's lap, nestling into her. Sam hugged him tightly for a moment before loosening her hold, giving him time to choose his words. He looked up at her face.
"Will we bury Mama in the backyard? Where is she now?"
Sam smiled sadly. She debated how best to answer a question like that. The truthful answer would have been that his mother was lying on some mortician's slab, awaiting a post-mortem examination. This was routine in deaths involving alcohol and driving apparently. Anger boiled up in Sam's chest as she thought about Carmen's irresponsible actions. She had discouraged Brooke from such thoughts earlier in the day, it would be of no use whatsoever for her to hate Carmen now. But Sam could not find it within herself to understand how Carmen could have done this. To her children, to her family, to Brooke. Sam loved Brooke and her children more than anything on the face of the earth, and to know that Carmen had effectively committed suicide, thereby leaving them alone and grief-stricken…well it tore Sam apart.
But those thoughts had to wait as her nephew was awaiting an answer to his question.
"Ummm, well Nicky…no, we won't bury Mama in the backyard. We'll take her to the cemetery and bury her there."
"Will we have to dig the hole to put her in?"
Sam paused, strangely charmed at the innocence of the question. The young have no qualms about death. There's no tiptoeing around the subject, no fear of saying something inappropriate. Only a genuine curiosity about the greatest mystery known to man.
"No honey, we won't have to dig the hole, a man will do it for us."
Nicky nodded.
"And we'll put Mama in the hole and cover her with dirt?"
His voice had become very small and his eyes brimmed with tears as some of the reality started to seep in. Sam sighed and tried to think of the best way to explain the concept of eternal life to a small child.
"Nick, when we put your Mama in the ground, that'll just be her body. It won't be her soul. Her soul will have gone to a fantastic, beautiful place where she'll stay forever and ever."
Sam tried hard not to wish eternal damnation on Carmen's soul for leaving this child to ask these questions.
"What's a soul, Sammy?"
"Uh…well, you know how your Mama sounded when she laughed? And how she loved to dance? And the way it felt when she hugged you? Well those things are nothing to do with her body…that's her soul. That's what made her the person she was. The special person that you knew and that you love. So the part of your Mama that made her your Mama has gone to a special place and is waiting there."
Nicky considered this.
"Do I have a soul?"
"Sure you do! And so do I, and so does your Mommy and so does Nell. Everybody has their own special soul."
"Will my soul go to a nice place when I die too?"
"Uh huh, and your Mama will be there waiting for it to arrive."
"So why can't my soul go see her now?"
"Because you can only go to this place after you die, and you don't want to die do you? You wouldn't want to leave your Mom and your sister all alone would you? People go to the special place when it's their time to go. Your Mama's there right now with my Daddy. And they're not sad because they know they'll see us when it's time."
Nicky smiled.
"So, Mama's gonna have fun in this place until we get there?"
"You bet she is. But it's still OK for you to be sad, it's OK for you to miss her for a while. And you can think about her and talk about her as much as you want to. Just because she's gone doesn't mean you have to forget about her."
"I won't ever forget her…ever!" Nicky said, shaking his head vehemently.
"Well that's good then."
Sam kissed Nicky's forehead and squeezed him briefly in a hug. He hugged her back tightly. Then he pulled back and looked at her seriously.
"Sammy, are you gonna stay here with us?"
That was the question she'd been dreading. She'd arranged for an extended leave of absence from her job as editor of a newspaper. In truth she'd have gladly stayed in that house forever. But it wasn't her place. It wasn't her home, it was Brooke and Carmen's home. She didn't know if Brooke wanted her around for longer than the necessary grieving period. And now, looking into Nicky's pleading eyes, the last thing Sam wanted to do was to raise his hopes only to dash them in the future.
Suddenly, Brooke appeared in the doorway. She was out of Nicky's line of vision and she now silently pleaded with Sam to say yes. It was all the encouragement Sam needed as she really didn't want to say no. Sam looked back at Nicky and smiled.
"I'm not going anywhere."
Nicky threw his arms around Sam's neck before jumping off her lap and standing up. He spotted his mother and ran to her, pulling at the dressing gown she was wearing.
"Mommy, Mommy! Sammy's gonna stay here with us!"
Brooke smiled and bent down to peck Nicky's cheek. She kept her eyes firmly locked on Sam's the whole time.
"That's great babe." She ruffled his hair. "Now I think it's about time you went back to bed. You want me to come tuck you in?"
Nicky looked at Brooke with the superior look he'd seen Nell using many a time.
"I'm a big boy now, Mommy."
Sam laughed. "You sure are!"
Nicky smiled at her and ran off in the direction of his bedroom. Sam slowly got to her feet, stiff from sitting in an unfamiliar position. She looked at Brooke who was still staring at her.
"Hey…are you…I was gonna ask if you were OK but I guess that's a dumb question huh?"
Brooke shrugged.
"I don't know if I'm OK. I don't know what I'm feeling anymore. I'm just so mixed up …and confused…" Her voice cracked and faltered. "God how can there be any tears left?"
She croaked out before she was overcome by her emotions once again. Sam moved swiftly across the room and drew Brooke into the comfort of her arms. As she held her she whispered in her ear.
"Shhhh…it's OK, let it out…if you need to cry then you cry all you want…I'm here for you…I've got you…shhh."
Brooke leaned her forehead against Sam's as she tried to get her sobs under control. The sight of Brooke's tearstained face in the dimly lit room tore at Sam's heart and she held on tighter to the woman in her arms.
"You…you're cold." Brooke sniffed.
Sam hadn't realised she was shivering until Brooke commented on it.
"Well, it might have something to do with sitting in front of a fridge on a cold stone floor for the past half hour."
Brooke undid her belt and wrapped her dressing gown around Sam, hugging her into the warmth of her body. Brooke pressed her nose against Sam's cool cheek and closed her eyes. Slowly she nuzzled Sam's cheek, gradually working her way around until her nose was touching Sam's own. She could feel Sam's warm breath on her lips. Without opening her eyes, Brooke tentatively pressed her lips to Sam's. When Sam didn't respond Brooke tightened her embrace, moving a hand up to the back of Sam's neck. Brooke opened her lips and deepened the kiss.
Sam knew this was wrong. She knew it had to stop. But when she felt Brooke's mouth move against her own she couldn't help responding any more than she could help the whimper that escaped her throat. Brooke took this as a sign of encouragement and ran her tongue along Sam's bottom lip. This action snapped Sam back to reality. She gently cupped Brooke's face and pushed her away. Brooke tried to move back into Sam but was firmly held back.
"Brooke no." Sam whispered. "We can't do this."
"Yes we can." Brooke said urgently, trying to re-establish contact only to be stopped again. Tears threatened to spill over her lashes as she looked imploringly into Sam's brown eyes, breaking Sam's heart a little more with each passing second.
"You don't want this Brooke, you don't want me. This is just grief. It's grief that's making you act this way."
Brooke wrenched her arm out of Sam's grip and turned away. Sam was once again confronted by the ethereal quality provided by the fridge light. Only this time it was accompanied by a rueful laugh.
"You don't get it do you Sam? THIS is the reason I'm grieving."
Sam was confused. She reached out and placed a hand on Brooke's shoulder only to be startled when she spun around, fresh tears following the trails of earlier ones.
"Wh…what did you mean by that?" Sam asked.
"I…I meant that Ca…that the reason she was drinking was because she knew."
"What did she know?"
Brooke looked at the ceiling.
"She knew it was you…that it was always you."
Brooke's eyes came down to meet Sam's, which were rapidly filling with tears.
"She knew that I could never love her the way I loved…the way that I love you…she knew that she would always be second best…she knew that if you and I had wanted the same things that the same time she'd never have stood a chance…she knew she was the consolation prize…she knew that…she knew…"
Brooke couldn't go any further and fell to her hands and knees, sobbing. Sam watched her for a moment, shocked at this outburst. Then she gathered herself and sat down. She pulled Brooke into her lap and cradled her, rocked her, comforted her. After the sobs had died down Brooke started speaking again.
"So you see Sam, not only am I mad at her for leaving us…I also hate myself for forcing her to do it."
"You didn't force her to do anything. Did…did you know about the drinking? Had it been going on for a while?"
Sam would never have considered this if she hadn't been informed of Carmen's take on Brooke's love interests. Brooke nodded.
"I tried to talk to her about it, get help. I threw out all the liquor in the house but it didn't do any good. She'd just scream at me if I tried to bring the subject up. She'd say that it was my fault that she started drinking. That I was having an affair with you. It was my fault she was drunk that night…it was my fault…it's my fault that she's dead."
Strangely, no tears accompanied this. It was simply a statement of fact.
"It is not your fault." Sam said firmly, forcing Brooke to look at her. "This is not your fault. Carmen drank the alcohol, Carmen got behind the wheel, Carmen knew what the consequences of that were. You could not have stopped this. Do you understand?"
Brooke stared blankly at Sam's face.
"She found me looking at some stuff…some things from when you and I were together." Brooke sniffed. "I was looking at that picture of the two of us…you know the one taken by the river?"
Sam nodded, a lump forming in her throat.
"I was looking at that and I was crying…and she came in…and she just looked at me…I had no idea what the look meant…I'd never seen her look like that before. And then she walked out of the house and I never saw her again…Oh God I loved her…I really, really did…it wasn't the same love as I have for you but it was love…and now she's gone…oh Sammy…"
Brooke buried her face in Sam's neck. Sam rocked her back and forward, allowing her own tears to stream freely down her face. Hearing the reality of Brooke and Carmen's relationship saddened her greatly. Of course she had known that her own feelings for Brooke had never changed. But she had assumed that this was not a mutual thing. And never for one second had she imagined that Carmen thought along these lines. And now Carmen was dead. And Sam was once again holding the woman she loved in her arms. But she couldn't…wouldn't take advantage of the situation. She made her choice a long time ago. Pursuit of a career had been her goal and she'd put that before love…and she'd regretted it ever since. The only thing she was glad of was that she and Brooke had remained close.
And now Brooke had children. Sam couldn't expect to come back and walk straight into a ready made family. `OK Brooke, I've achieved career success now so I'll give your idea of settling down a try.' How selfish would that be? Sure the kids adored her. But how would they react to her if she was more than just `cool Aunt Sam'? She'd already promised Nicky that she'd stay. Suddenly she needed reassurance.
"Brooke…did you…I mean…about what I said to Nicky about me staying here…"
Brooke looked up sharply.
"What? Do you want to leave?" Brooke looked panic-stricken. "Oh God, Sammy don't leave me…please don't leave me…I can't cope with everything…with the kids…I can't…"
"Hey…shhhh…I was just making sure it was OK…for as long as you want me here I'm not going anywhere."
"Promise?"
"I promise."
"Thank you." Brooke laid her head on Sam's shoulder. "You were terrific with Nicky earlier."
"How long were you listening?"
"Long enough to know that I'm so glad you were there for him."
Brooke paused.
"Sam?"
"Yeah?"
"I'm sorry about…you know…earlier…"
Sam cut her off.
"It's OK, forget about it."
"I don't want to forget about it. I meant what I said…it's always been you. I love you Sam…always have."
She looked to Sam for a reaction,
"And I've always loved you Brooke…but we can't do this…we can't jump straight into this. And despite what you say now, I know that you don't want to. Like I said, I'm not going anywhere. We can see what happens. But you have to give yourself time. You need to be there for the kids. You need time for yourself. I'll still be here."
Brooke silently put her arms around Sam's neck and hugged her.
"Thank you."
Sam held Brooke tightly. As the tears ran down her face, Sam looked out the window at the night sky. Her earlier fury at Carmen had dissipated. What was left was almost understanding. What Carmen had done was unforgivable…but had she been in the same situation Sam couldn't swear that she'd have acted differently. Choosing a star, Sam sent up a silent prayer.
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