TITLE: Your Freudian slip is showing

AUTHOR: Angelina

EMAIL: angelina2006@hotmail.com

Rating: PG-13?

Personal Archive: http://members.aol.com/bufpop/default.html

Archive: http://www.realmoftheshadow.com/angelina.htm

SPOILERS: `Revelations' big time! As in, most of the dialogue is lifted straight from that ep. Also mentions other Season 3 and a bit of Season 2.

Disclaimer: The don't belong to me, they're Mutant Enemy's. I'm not making anything from their use.

Author's notes: Any and all feedback is welcomed. This is short and pointless. But I'm posting it nonetheless.

Dedication: To Dan. Coz he LOL'd at it. And because he's a swell guy who dedicates great stories to me. If I ever write a great story I'll be sure to dedicate it to you Dan!

Your Freudian slip is showing

"Uh huh...oh God...yeah baby right there...I'm so close...so close...take me there."

Jesus, I sound like a bad porno actress. Not that I watch that kind of thing. But hey, that's what being in the throes of passion will do to a person. Here I go again.

"Ooooh...I'm...I'm gonna...oh f... Faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiith!"

I scream my release and collapse back onto the pillows, panting and sated. A movement from under the blanket tells me that my lover, the bringer of my pleasure, is about to emerge from the depths. I prop myself up on my elbows and find myself looking into those big chocolatey eyes. Eyes that carry more than a hint of a question. Performance anxiety? God, you'd think my inarticulate screams of ecstasy would be enough. But I reach down anyway and tousle locks of slightly damp chestnut hair.

"That was amazing."

I offer my best `reassuring' smile. It doesn't really have the desired effect.

"You did it again, Cor."

Now I'm confused.

"Did what?"

"You called me Faith."

Shit. I thought I had a handle on that. I mean, I don't even know where it comes from. It's not like I even remotely think about Faith, ever. I haven't noticed her impossibly deep brown eyes and those full, pouty lips or the way her cheeks dimple when she gives that lazy smile. And that curvaceous, voluptuous figure? Not even a blip on my radar. And yet her name seems to pop out of my mouth at the most inopportune times. At this moment in time I think denial is called for.

"I did not call you `Faith', I distinctly remember calling you `Xander'."

"Well, I distinctly remember hearing `Faith'. It's not the kinda thing a guy doesn't notice ya know?"

OK, so denying it didn't work. Maybe haughty silence is the way to go. I clamp my lips together and look away, like I'm so hurt by his insinuation that I can't even speak. He sighs and flops onto his back beside me. Still with the silent treatment. Although it's making me a bit nervous. And I don't get nervous. But pillow talk isn't terribly forthcoming when you've just shouted the wrong name during an orgasm. Especially the name of such a skanky, slutty, sexy. what was I saying? Oh, Xander's talking, better listen.

".don't mind the name thing so much, it's just."

He trails off but he's piqued my interest enough for me to break my haughty silence routine.

"Just what?"

"Well...could you not talk about my firm young breasts anymore? That's kinda off putting."

Oh my God, that's new. I must've been really far gone this time. OK Cordy, you need serious help babe. This is just too, too disturbing. I think Xander is waiting for me to say something. He's been really sweet about this whole thing. I mean, most guys wouldn't stand for their girlfriends screaming another person's name during sex. Then again, he couldn't pay to get the visuals I'm serving up for him. Eew. As if me picturing myself having sex with Faith isn't enough, now he's doing it. Not that I do, picture it, or anything. Anyway, I better say something in response to his request.

"Deal."

He nods. Phew. Silence. He's speaking again.

"So...you really think they're perky?"

What Meets The Eye

God. Why am I here? Why do I insist on coming to this place time and time again when I really don't like it. It's dark and dingy. It smells funny, like mould or something. And I'm positive that all the dust from these old, ancient books is clogging my pores. So why am I here? Hmmm, could it be the scintillating conversation? Well, I must say that listening to Willow and Giles discuss the finer points of demonology has its moments. Not. All those conversations usually involve some disgusting detail about how the demon guts its victims and wears their entrails for earrings or something. Now accessorising I can relate to, but not with innards.

So if we count those two out that leaves Buffy and Xander who, at this precise moment in time are arguing over who would win a fight between Jackie Chan and Bruce Lee. Who the hell cares about this stuff? These aren't my kind of people. I want to stand up and scream that sometimes. But I don't. Because they're my...friends... sorta. And one of them is my boyfriend.

Although God only knows how that happened. I like to think that it was the situation. Being one of the few who know that monsters and boogiemen are real drastically reduces the number of people you can talk to about stuff. And Xander was one of those people. And because of all the near-death experiences my brain must've malfunctioned and gone back to primitive survival of the species way of thinking. I was gonna die, he was there, I had to. And I guess it's been more convenient just to keep him. Anyone else I get involved with gets beat up by invisible girls or eaten by vampires or turns out to be a psychotic member of a cult or something. So going out with someone who's under the protection of the slayer has its advantages...mainly for the longevity of the relationship.

Plus, Xander's been really good about, you know, the other thing...the thing that I'm not thinking about. The thing that I don't ever think about. But I really don't want to think about that now.

What was I thinking about before the thing that I don't want to think about? Oh yeah, why am I in this library, researching some boring old demon with these people. I'd like to think that learning about the existence of various evil thingies has made me realise that I have a duty to protect the less-informed members of society. Weeeeellll, kinda. Yeah, I do want to help fight badness. Well, not so much with the actual physical fighting stuff. That's dangerous and is best left to people who know how to do it without dying. I'm not one of these people so I'm of more use in here. It's a pity I don't actually like books. I'm not stupid, in fact I'm very intelligent. I just keep that little fact well-hidden. But I'm not a fan of books. Which leads me back to why I come to this god- forsaken place of a night. I could help in other ways. I could...I don't know...I could buy them all little fighting outfits or something.

Listen to me. Who am I trying to kid here? I couldn't just sit back and let them go out and fight. I'm not that kind of person. People think I am, but I'm not. So that's why I'm here I suppose. Yeah, I'm here to help. I wanna help. I'm certainly not here in the hope that the person I don't think about is gonna drop by after patrol. Nope, that's definitely not the reason. Just because I overheard Giles telling her to report back to him doesn't mean that that's the reason I decided to blow off a night at the Bronze with Harmony. It's a total coincidence. And while I was overhearing them talking, I definitely didn't notice the way her leather pants accentuated that sculpted ass which I would gladly kill to have. I mean have in the sense that I'd like mine to look like it...not that I'd want her own personal ass or anything. And my insides didn't go all gooey when she spoke in that low, grainy voice with the `slightly wrong side of the tracks' accent.

Maybe if I keep telling myself that I'll believe it one of these days. I could possibly admit the truth to myself. And only to myself. But if I were to do that it'd open up a big can of worms that I just can't deal with right now. So I'll continue dropping into the library during school and be secure in the knowledge that it has nothing to do with trying to catch her while she's training and getting all sweaty. And I'll help research well into the night and I'll know that it's not because I want to see the way she buzzes after patrol, practically vibrating with energy, just about ready to burst. Yeah, I'll know all of that.

However, it is getting harder to deny it. I've had a permanent headache for the past three weeks. At least, that's what I've told Xander whenever he's tried to initiate anything sexy. It's not that I don't want to do stuff with him, he's actually quite good. It's just that my bottom lip can't take it any more. I've bitten it so much trying not to scream her name when he's doing stuff to me. It's lucky that I'm so secure in the fact that I'm in no way attracted to her that or I might just wonder why it's her face that's in my head whenever I'm about to...ummm, you know. I might be curious about why it's her name that comes out of my mouth. So it's lucky that I'm one hundred percent not attracted to her really, isn't it?

The way that my stomach just jumped into my mouth when she crashed through the swing doors obviously has something to do with the chicken I had for dinner. I'm sure it was slightly pink in the middle. Oh my God, she's bleeding.

"Oh my God, Faith, you're bleeding!"

Way to state the obvious Buffy.

"It's just a scratch, I'm fine. Damn stupid vamps ambushed me in an alley. Why the hell you got so many alleys in this town anyways?"

She's so tough. There's blood coursing down the side of her face and her shoulder looks to be in a bad way too, from what I can see through the ripped denim anyway. But she's so strong and brave that she probably doesn't even notice the pain. God, I hope I didn't just sigh contentedly.

"Come into the office, I'll get you cleaned up."

I sometimes wonder if Giles gets some sort of kick out of `cleaning up' wounded teenage girls. But then that probably makes me a lot more perverse that he is.

"Nah, G-man, you're busy with the books."

Oh God, she's looking at me...why is she looking at me? My expression is somewhere between mild concern and slightly questioning. I think that's the right balance.

"Maybe Queen C could fix me up. Looks like her readin' isn't goin' too great."

She's got that cocky smirk on her face. It's cute, even with all the blood and bruising. But what is she talking about? Oh shit, my book's upside down. Maybe I should've looked at it a couple of times instead of flicking the pages. She wants me to help her? Why? Would it look really strange if I agreed? It's not like we're friends. Oh what the hell.

"Whatever. Anything to get away from these books. I'm getting a rash from all the dust."

An overly dramatic sigh to punctuate my sentiment and I think I've got them convinced that this is a chore for me, which is what it is, of course. I drag myself to my feet and follow Faith into the office, not watching her butt as she walks.

She sits down on Giles' desk while I get the first aid box out. I turn around and see that she's flinching as she tries to remove her jacket. I reach out and put my hand on her arm to stop her from straining herself further. It's really hard to ignore the surge of energy that just shot up my arm at actual physical contact. But I just about manage it. I gently slide the jacket off her injured shoulder and can't help but gasp at the deep lacerations hidden underneath.

"S'okay C, it'll be gone in the morning."

She grins at me and I can do nothing but smile warmly in return. This denial thing isn't really working well at the moment. The cut on her head has almost stopped bleeding. I dab it a couple of times with some cotton wool and then turn my attention to the more serious wound on her shoulder. I take my time cleaning it, leaning over her, lightly grazing the skin of her arm with my hand to hold her in place as I work. Oh. My. God. She just put her face in my cleavage. I'm completely frozen. I have no idea what to do now. I can feel her breath tickling me. Then suddenly she sits up and blinks a few times.

"Jeez, musta lost more blood that I thought."

She glances at where her head had been. I'm really trying not to breathe fast but I think I'm redefining the term `heaving bosom'. And the fact that she's staring at it is just making matters worse.

"Sorry `bout that."

She looks so far from apologetic it's unbelievable. People who're sorry don't usually have a lascivious expression on their face. And sorry people generally don't stare quite so much at the body part in question.

"It's just...it looked really comfortable, and I'm feelin' kinda woozy. And ya know, it's just right out there, inviting."

My God, I'm completely offended. And totally flattered. But the words `Pot', `Kettle' and `Black' keep springing to mind. Hello? My chest is `out there'? She's one to talk. But I guess I really should make some kind of response here.

"It's OK."

How suave Cordy, how verbose.

"Oh, I wasn't apologisin' for puttin' my head there. I was sorry I was unconscious at the time."

She winks at me. And now I'm pretty sure that I'm beyond words. I hurriedly finish tying a bandage around her shoulder and stand back, making sure that no part of my body is touching hers. That way, I may regain the power of speech in a minute.

"Look, uh, I think maybe I should get Giles...you seem...maybe you should see a doctor, with the blood-loss and stuff."

I turn to go get Giles but she catches my arm and spins me back around to face her.

"It's fine, I'm fine."

And I believe her. And I'm utterly transfixed by her eyes. And I'm staring at her without speaking. And she has this strange expression on her face, like she knows something. What does she know?

"Look, I'm gonna head home...maybe, if you're not too busy here you might wanna walk me back...to make sure I don't faint or anything on the way."

Her voice carries a suggestion of something more. Or maybe I'm just hearing things that aren't there.

"I...uh...I'll drive you back...much safer."

Her eyes just lit up. Like maybe she'd been expecting me to refuse or something. She actually looked pleased and surprised. Which leads me to believe that there's a lot more to Faith than meets the eye. Of course, what meets the eye is very pleasant...but it's not all that she is. Hmmm, who'd have guessed? She's still holding onto my arm. I don't want to break the contact. In a quick movement I find myself pressed against her, her mouth to my ear. Her whispers are doing strange and unusual things to my legs.

"And if we get there and you're still concerned about my health...maybe we could play Doctor?"

She pulls back and for a split second I see vulnerability in those deep eyes. Then it's gone and replaced by the usual grin. She walks out of the office and I hear her announcing to the gang that I'm taking her home. I'm shaking. With fear? Or excitement? I'm not sure. The only thing I'm sure of is that I have no idea what I'm doing. But whatever it is, I'm probably going to find out soon.

Believe me Baby, I lied

Oh this is not good. This is so not good. Here I am, alone, in my car, with Faith. That can't be good. Right? I mean, not that I think she's gonna jump on me or anything. And I'm certainly not going to jump on her...it'd probably hurt her shoulder if I did. Which I wouldn't because, well just because. As much as I hate the library I'm beginning to wish I was back there. It's safer there, less chance of anything that shouldn't happen...well, happening. But this taking a wounded girl home late at night stuff. It just seems to me that there's plenty of opportunity for inappropriateness in a situation like that. I mean, what if she's in need of comfort. Or someone to help her get out of those pants. It can't be terribly easy at the best of times, and with a banged up shoulder it's gonna be even worse. I have no idea what I'll do if she asks me to go in with her.

I'm going to subtly sneak a look at her. OK, I just did it. It just made things worse. Because now I know for a fact that whatever she asks me to do I'm going to do it. She's impressed with the interior of my car. I totally surprised myself by downplaying how great it is. usually I'm the first one to let people know how much it cost and that Daddy had the little powder compact built into the dashboard specially. But for some reason I didn't want to tell Faith about it.

She's running her hand up and down the leather upholstery. What is it with this girl and leather anyway? I've never seen the attraction myself. Until recently. It's quite amazing how good some people can look in leather. Of course, the vast majority of the population should be banned from even buying leather pants. It takes a certain type of ass to carry them off well. But the current occupant of my passenger seat has no worries in that respect. Oh God, here I go again. I should not be thinking that way. Yes, I've accepted that these things force themselves into my head from time to time. But that doesn't mean I should be encouraging them to take up residence.

OK, let's think rationally about this. So keep your eyes on the road and under no circumstances look to your right. I am Cordelia Chase. I come from a very well-to-do family. I am rich. My family is powerful. People want to be me. I am revered at Sunnydale High. maybe that last one should have been in the past tense...but still. I have a boyfriend. I am incredibly straight. I do not lust after people of the female persuasion. And I especially don't lust after Faith. There, that's cleared my head a bit.

"Sooooo."

So? Does that mean she's going to say something? Or is she expecting me to talk now? God, I don't know why I'm getting so flustered. No-one flusters me. I'm pretty much fluster-proof. And now I'm sounding like Willow. This night is just getting better and better.

"You and Xander doin' OK?"

Uh, that was unexpected. Where the hell did that come from? Why is she asking me that? Remember, she's lost blood...she very possibly doesn't even remember the innuendo-laden comments she made in the library. And she almost definitely wasn't serious when she made them. So don't get your hopes up. I mean, don't worry about having to fend her off or anything. Yeah, that's what I meant.

"Um. Yeah...we're fine...I guess...he's, you know, Xander."

Could I sound less enthused? Maybe if I put a bit of gusto into that last sentence I'd maybe have believed it myself.

"Yep, he's Xander alright."

I'm not sure I like Cryptic-Faith. Another furtive glance informs me that she's staring out of the side window. So I can't even see the expression she's wearing. Damn. God, she just looked round really quickly and caught me staring. She's good at that. Must be a slayer thing.

"And you're Cordelia Chase."

Is this a riddle? I think she got hit in the head a bit harder than we thought.

"Yeeeeaaaaahhh."

I have to be careful here, she's trying to get me to say something. Probably trying to catch me out. Why, I have no idea. But I'm on my guard anyway.

"So tell me CC, why are you with Xander?"

"What kind of question is that?"

I am slightly miffed by the question. It's insinuating that I'm settling for someone, that I deserve someone better. Which is actually kind of a compliment. Not to Xander of course. She's still looking at me. It's very difficult to concentrate on driving when she's doing that. I very nearly hit that little old lady back there. She's settling herself back into the leather of her seat, eyes still fixed on my face. I think I'm going to start sweating. That's all I need, pit-stains.

"Just a question, that's all. Seems to me like he's not exactly your type."

I really need to get my bitch on here or I'm going to start agreeing with her and that just wouldn't do at all.

"And what would you know about my type? You don't know anything about me."

I send a very dirty look her way. That look has made people cry. It's made people fall to their knees and beg forgiveness for breathing in my presence. She just smirks. And continues to watch me. I want to hit her. Or ki...nope, hit her is definitely what I want to do.

"Never mind. Forget I said anything."

She backed down really easily there. I could go one of two ways now. I could insist that she tells me what she meant and goad her into a screaming argument. Or I could just leave it. She's staring out of the window again. I don't like it when I can't see her face. Because I don't know what she's thinking, not that I like looking at her face or anything. God, why do I keep justifying these things? To myself of all people. I know what I meant by that...don't I? Well if anyone should know how I'm feeling it's me. And I'm not sure that I do anymore. The 100% not attracted to her is dwindling a bit now.

Thank God, we're here. I pull to a stop at outside her room door and hope she doesn't realise that I shouldn't actually know which one is hers. Without thinking I turn the engine off. Well, if that's not begging for an invitation I don't know what is. I'm such a floozy. She's still just sitting, staring out the window.

"Uh...we're here."

Dumbass. Like she doesn't know we're here. At least it made her turn around to face me.

"Thanks."

She's smiling. It's not a smirk, or a cocky grin, it's an actual smile. I smile back at her. At least I hope I do, my face doesn't seem to be co-operating with my brain. All because she's smiling at me.

"Look, uh, you wanna come in?"

I'm not positive, but I think there was a hint of uncertainty in her voice just then. A tiny part of her is worried that I'm going to say no, going to reject her. Gotta give her points for the invite. No euphemistic offers of coffee or a drink. Of course, she might not have anything to drink in that room.

"Yeah."

I am a total whore. I barely know this girl. We're not friends. We just met for God's sake. And here I am going to a skanky motel room with her. OK, so it's where she lives but still. And who's to say that she wants to do anything skanky? She maybe just wants to talk. I'm really trying not to be disappointed at that thought as I open the door and follow Faith into her room. Wow, colour me surprised. It's not bad. Hardly the Ritz but very clean and very tidy. I feel bad about sitting on the bed and wrinkling the covers. So I remain standing and watch as Faith throws her ruined jacket into a closet. She turns to face me and I draw my breath in deeply, utterly terrified and completely exhilarated.

"So what's the deal Queen C?"

Ummm.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, why are you here? Why did you clean my cuts tonight? Why agree to give me a lift home? Why come in here with me? Why do I catch you lookin' at me when you think I don't know about it?"

Uh oh, this is bad. She's walking towards me, really slowly. She reminds me of a cat. Which is a bit strange with those big puppy-dog eyes of hers. She's, like, two inches away from my face now and I can barely focus on her features. Oh no, my breath is starting to get all ragged, like it does in the movies when the heroine's sure that the hero is gonna lay one on her.

"And back to my earlier question, Cordelia."

I never realised I had a sexy name until she just said it. It slipped off her tongue like silk and wrapped itself around my ears. I think I might just swoon.

"Why are you with Xander when you obviously want me?"

Oh, now wait a minute...that was definitely not her earlier question. I think I'd have noticed a question like that. And who the hell does she think she is? I have to get her away from me a bit or I won't be able to speak. I put my hand on her chest to shove her back, which turns out to be a very bad move as my thumb grazes the top of her right breast and suddenly shoving her away is the last thing on my mind. I move my thumb ever so slightly and I feel her press against my hand, increasing the contact. I look up into her face and want to scream. One of her eyebrows in raised and she's wearing a really annoying `I told you so' look. I withdraw my hand immediately and can take some pleasure in the disappointment that flashes in her eyes.

"Listen, Miss Big Shot, I can assure you that in no way shape or form do I want you. And I think it's completely presumptuous of you to think that I would. Here I am, tending to your wounds, bringing you home, making sure that you're OK, and you think it's because I want to get in your pants. Well let me tell you something, Faith, we don't all think like you."

Oooh, I was a bit harsh there. And also lying. I'm afraid to look at her. But I'm given no choice as a surprisingly gentle hand cups my chin and makes me look into her eyes. There's no hurt there, for that I'm thankful...is this me talking? What is there shocks me somewhat: complete and utter disbelief...she didn't buy it for a second. Damn this girl is self-assured. Either that or I'm a bad liar...one or the other.

Now that she's got my attention she lets go of my chin and lets her hand glide down my bare arm. The shiver that goes through me is quite evident and she smiles as she feels it. She moves even closer to me, my back's against the wall and I have nowhere to go...not that I particularly want to go anywhere...but if I did there wouldn't be anywhere. Her body is pressed against the length of my own. My slightly taller stature means that all of her bits are pushing up delightfully on mine. Her knee gently coaxes mine apart, not that it took a lot of persuasion. Her thigh moves excruciatingly slowly up between my own. It's a good thing she's pressed against me so tightly because she's the only thing holding me up right now. Her good arm winds its way around my waist. I can feel her strength, even though she's not trying to show it. It's definitely there and it makes me feel...secure. These are definitely the strongest arms I've ever been in, and it's a nice feeling. The injury to her shoulder restricts her movement a bit so she settles for resting that hand on my hip, rubbing ever so softly with her thumb.

Her face is dangerously close to mine now. Those lips, those damn lips are hovering just short of mine. I'm breathing really quickly now. Her fragrance is invading my head, a tang of sweat, something slightly metallic and leather. I can't get enough of it and my lungs are working overtime. With every breath my chest presses harder against her full breasts. Her hair falling forward onto my shoulders, intertwining with my own tresses. Her nose brushes mine and I whimper...I think I'm going to explode.

"If you tell me you don't want me, I'll stop."

What a complete bitch! I couldn't let her stop now, even if I wanted to. And I don't want her to stop. I want her to cover my lips with hers. I want to feel her tongue in my mouth. I need those arms tight around me, making me feel safe again in this fucked up world.

"I...I want you."

I'm worried that she maybe didn't hear me, I did kind of whisper it. But she has supersonic hearing so it shouldn't be a problem. She still hasn't kissed me though, which is strange and disappointing. I take a chance and look into her eyes. She's looking at me in...I don't know...wonder? A stupor? She shakes her head and all of a sudden I get this really bad feeling. She was just playing with me. She doesn't want me. Oh my God.

"I...let me go...I have to leave now."

I'm really trying to get out of her arms but she's still holding me close. I struggle futilely against her. I really need to get out of here because I can feel a lump starting to form in my throat. And I will not give her the satisfaction of seeing me cry. I never let anyone see me cry.

"Hey! Wait a minute, stop, C, I just...I didn't."

I stop moving and let my body go limp because I know she'll hold me up. I can't look at her because my eyes are watering so I put my head on her shoulder. Her hand moves to the small of my back and her arm tightens around me, if that's possible.

"I didn't expect you to...I...I thought you'd deny it."

You and me both, babe.

"Yeah? Well, maybe I'm tired of denying stuff...it's not as easy as you'd think."

She laughs and I feel her throaty chuckle reverberating through me. I smile into her shoulder and decide to take a chance. I lift my head up and look straight into her eyes.

"I do want you Faith. But I don't want this. I don't want a quick fuck against the wall. Well, I mean, that's not all that I want. That's not my style. So if you want me too we'll have to work out where we go from here."

Panic grips my stomach and twists it as a very unpleasant thought hits me.

"You...uh...you do...want me...right? I mean...this isn't...you're not."

"'Course I want you C. How'dya think I knew you were hot for me? I've been watchin' you since I got here. And I meant it when I said that Xander isn't your type. It's wicked obvious to anyone with half an eye. An' don't think I haven't noticed you checkin' me out too. I just never figured you'd actually do anythin'."

Hmmm, I'll have to work on my subtlety obviously. However, now that my lack of same has got me into this situation. I might as well make the most of it.

"So, you uh, you said that you'd stop if I said I didn't want you...I don't recall saying those words."

My God, I'm a brazen scarlet hussy of a woman. But she can't just tease a person with the promise of a kiss from those lips and then not deliver on it. A gorgeous smile has spread across said lips and I find myself wanting to lick all of her lipstick off. And with the amount she wears I could be there for some time. She's moving towards me again, lips parted, eyelids heavy. And this time she's breathing quickly too. Almost there. A millimetre to go. And she's stopped again. What the fuck?!?

"Are you sure you want to do this?"

Patience isn't one of my many virtues. I reach up to the back of her head and crush her lips to mine and we're kissing. We're kissing. And it's...wow. Parts of me that I didn't know existed are tingling. Her hand is tangled in my hair, pulling me closer. I finally let my hands roam over her body, and what a body it is. It's even better to touch than to look at. She's softer than I imagined. With her muscles I'd figured she'd be hard. But she's all woman and has deliciously soft parts in exactly the right places. I run my fingers over her toned stomach and around to the smooth skin of her back. I guess her shoulder's healing already because the hand from my hip is now on my breast. I gasp into her mouth. I can't get enough of her. And it seems like she's enjoying herself too.

All too soon we have to separate. If we didn't I really think I'd expire. But what a way to go. Faith induced asphyxiation. Hmmm, nice. We're both panting like dogs...lovely imagery. We're still wrapped up in each other's arms. She places a tiny kiss to my temple and then steps away from me, putting some distance between us. I want to jump back into her arms but I restrain myself as she obviously has something to say.

"Look, Cordelia...you said you didn't want this to be a quick fuck against the wall. And I think if we keep going the way we're going that's what's gonna happen. It's what always happens, so I think you should probably go now before I do something we'll regret later."

I think that's the sweetest thing anyone's ever said to me. Even with the profanity. For a split second I consider throwing caution to the wind and opting for the `quick fuck' option. But no. Faith's right, we shouldn't start off like this, if we plan to take this anywhere. Even though I really want to. Like, reeeeeeaaaaallllllly want to. But I'll just go home and take a cold shower. Because she wants to wait. For me.

I move forward and wrap my arms around her waist, needing to feel her against me again, just so I know it's real. She tentatively puts her arms around my neck. I drop a single kiss on her lips and then pull her to me, just holding her. We stand like that for a while until I straighten up and smile at her.

"Well, I'll go then."

She nods. I can't tell if she's happy or sad. Maybe a bit of both, like me.

Before I reach the door I turn back and look at her.

"If you wanted I could...I could come get you tomorrow and we could go for breakfast somewhere?"

The smile's back.

"I'd like that, Cor."

I really need to go now. Hearing her call me Cor like that. Well I'm having trouble not grabbing her and taking her right there on the floor. But instead I reach out and open the door. She comes and stands in the doorway with me.

"So...I'll see you tomorrow, right?"

I smile at the shred of uncertainty in her voice.

"Of course, a good doctor always checks on her patients in the morning."

She grins widely and grabs me in a suffocating kiss. When we part we're both smiling. I walk to my car in something of a daze. And I just know she's watching my ass as I walk.

"When I said I didn't want your love,
And you were no-one I was thinking of,
Believe me baby, I lied"
Trisha Yearwood

Let Me

NOTES: This takes place during the evening following 'Believe me baby, I lied'

~~~~~

This is new for me. This feeling of contentment. I may project this image of having the perfect life and everything, but I don't really. Never have. I mean, I have everything a girl could possibly want. Great house, killer car, fabulous clothes, oodles of money...but I've never been all that happy. In fact, probably the happiest I've been in my life has been these past couple of years. I would never, ever, admit this out loud...but hanging out with Buffy and the rest of them. it's been...I wanna say fun but that's not quite right. But for the first time I felt like I had actual friends. And I'm not deluded, I know I'm not in the `inner circle'...but still, they're better friends than that vacuous bunch of tramps who used to follow me around and worship me ever were. Although, that was kinda nice, in its own way. But even being friends, of sorts, with those guys didn't give me the kind of happy I'm having right now.

Right now I'm lying on Faith's bed. Not in it, just on top of the covers. The TV is on and the lights are off. There's some sappy old movie playing, the black and white pictures are casting a nice light over the room. It's warm. And it's safe. That's not a word that most people would apply to a seedy motel in this particular area of town. But to me it's the safest place I've been in a while. Faith's head is resting on my stomach. Her hair is splayed out across my chest and I'm amazed at how long I've kept myself entertained just by running my fingers through it. I'm not certain but I think she's fallen asleep. She hasn't moved in a really long time and her breathing is really deep so I'm pretty sure she's sleeping. So, to recap, I'm lying on Faith's bed, Faith is asleep on my stomach, and I'm happy.

How weird is that? Who'd have thought that I, Cordelia Chase, could find happiness in this place? Or in the arms of another girl for that matter? Ok, if I'm honest I suppose I'd maybe have guessed the last part. It's not something that I'd considered until relatively recently. Yeah, I'd thought about it, who hasn't? But I hadn't actually ever wanted to do anything about it. Until round about the time that a certain new slayer turned up. Strange that, isn't it? In the past, when I've been attracted to people, it's usually been based on a combination of looks, power, money and connections. And of those four things, Faith only scores on one. OK, so she has looks in spades. But that's not why I'm attracted to her.

Wow, it's actually quite a relief to be able to think in those terms. I'm attracted to Faith...there, I thought it, and I wasn't struck down by a thunderbolt. No, that'll be saved for when I tell my parents. I can just picture my mother's face. She has this expression that can make me feel about one and a half inches tall. Her lip curls up and her eyes close briefly. It's not a look of disappointment. It's more like, I don't know, revulsion. Yeah, like she's revolted by whatever she's just heard. She looked at me like that when I told her about Xander. Like I was a shameless hussy for lowering my standards so far as to date a Harris. No conversation ensued. She just looked at me and then went to get a drink. It didn't matter to her that Xander was a decent, kind-hearted guy who genuinely liked me for me and not for the me that everyone thinks I should be. No, it only mattered that his father was unemployed and that his shirts weren't Armani.

Xander. I feel sick just thinking about him. Not that he makes me want to throw up...but I feel so guilty. He really is a nice guy and I did think, for a while that, maybe, possibly...that I loved him. God I even told Buffy! And he was so sweet during the Homecoming thing, choosing me over Buffy...for once. And then with the whole limo thing. And here I am cheating on him, and feeling happy about it. Which is wrong and bad. I will tell him. He doesn't deserve this. No-one does. If I ever found out that I was being cheated on...well let's just say it wouldn't be pretty.

So, telling Xander is a must. Soon. But telling the parents can wait. At least until I've left school and can move out. Or maybe forever. Why would they ever need to know? I could just say that Faith was, like, my best friend or something and that we were just being roomies and. Listen to me. I kissed her for the first time not twenty-four hours ago and here I am planning where we'll live together when school is over. Which is strange because that's not something I've ever considered in the past. I never had mushy `When we get married and have kids' fantasies about Xander. Then again, Xander's kisses never made me feel the way Faith's do. My insides don't do weird fluttery stuff when Xander looks at me. I don't spend every waking moment, and a high proportion of sleeping moments, with Xander on my mind.

Which kinda leads me back to what it is about Faith that caused this meltdown of the sensible part of my brain. I don't have a clue. I remember the first time I saw her, dancing with that vampire in the Bronze. I was completely captivated by her. She exuded this, this essence. She stood out a mile in that place and I just couldn't stop watching her. But of course, me being me, I had to offer a catty comment about her to the rest of the group in case anyone noticed me noticing her. `Slut-o-rama'? Oh please, like there weren't at least 50 girls in the Bronze that night who were far more qualified for that title than Faith. But none of them caught my eye the way she did. And then, by the time Buffy had dragged herself out of `Self- obsession Land' and realised that her dance partner was in fact, of the undead variety, she had gone. Normally I'd have let Buffy go after them alone. I mean, one teeny little vamp? She's the God-damn slayer. So why we all rushed out to accompany her on that particular staking I'll never know. Well, I know why I went. I wanted to make sure that the girl who had so intrigued me was alright. Maybe the rest of them had also noticed something about her. Maybe they're all secretly lusting after her. Maybe...what difference does it make if they are? I'm the one lying on her bed, caressing her cheek. And I don't seriously think that everyone is in love with Faith. Just the thought of little repressed Willow and another girl makes me wanna laugh. I know Xander has lustful thoughts about her. But then, he has lustful thoughts about anything with breasts. Add to that the fact that she's a slayer and it's a wonder he can be around her without drooling on her shoes. He has a thing for slayers. Hmmm, maybe he and I have more in common than I thought.

Oh, Faith just made a noise. I'm not sure if it was a snore or a word. But whatever it was I think she's waking up. She's stretching. And it's a beautiful thing to watch. The fluid movements of limbs, the slight twitching of muscles under skin, the accompanying moan...all make me ever so slightly aroused. Then she flips herself over so that her head is still on my abdomen, but now she's looking at me. More specifically she's smiling at me.

"Hey."

She has this strange ability to make just about any word in the English language sound like a proposition. The low timbre of her voice just screams `make love to me'. Actually, that's possibly just my own slightly skewed interpretation.

"Hey."

My own voice sounds so high and hollow in comparison. Maybe I should start smoking or something, to give it a sexier edge. Nah, smoking gives you wrinkles. Couldn't deal with that. She reaches out and takes my hand into hers. I lace my fingers through hers and she rubs the back of my hand with her thumb.

"You cool with this?"

She's talking about more than the hand-holding. She's referring to the whole situation. Am I cool with it? Actually I'm not sure. It's a huge thing. A big change. It's not what people expect from me. People expect me to marry some rich trust funded guy. It's not a pre-requisite that I love him, or even like him. I'm expected to be the same kind of person as my mother and her friends. Married to a boring stiff, drinking myself into oblivion, getting vicarious sexual thrills with the pool-boy. Or, in my case, the maid. I don't want to end up like that. But I'm not sure I can deal with the social ostracism that this relationship is gonna cause. I've been labelling people for as long as I can remember, but I'm terrified of being labelled as a...lesbian. I don't like that word. Gay sounds so much nicer, happy connotations and everything. Which is appropriate, cause, like I was saying, I feel happy. I wonder if I should voice these fears.

"I uh, I don't know."

She's still holding my hand but she's no longer smiling. It's like a light switched off somewhere inside her head because her eyes kind of dulled down as I said that last sentence. It physically hurts to think that I made that happen. I reach down and cup her cheek, suddenly I need to kiss her, more than anything. I urge her up the bed so that we're lying side by side, facing each other. I reach out and run the tip of my finger over her lips before placing my own over them. She's holding back, I can feel it, but I can't stop and I just keep on kissing her for all I'm worth. Slowly I feel her ease into the embrace. Her arms encircle me and my hearts starts beating again. I can feel moisture on my face and I'm shocked that she's crying. Then I realise that it's not her, it's me. She pulls back slightly and looks at me with concern. She reaches up and wipes away my tears. I marvel at her touch, so gentle. How can she keep all that strength under control?

"What's up?"

Where do I start? `I really like you but I'm such a snob that I'm afraid of what people will say if they find out about us'?

"I...I really like you Faith."

Her lips turn upwards in a smile and a suggestion of that impossibly cute dimple appears in her cheek. Her eyes warm considerably and she pulls me into a loose embrace, running her hand up and down my side. Even that small contact makes my breathing increase and causes very lewd thoughts to invade my mind.

"So, you really like me, and I really like you. So how `bout you tell me what's botherin' you?"

Hmm, that tiny bit of fluff on her shoulder is suddenly very interesting to me. I don't get to play with it for long before she's cupping my chin and making me look at her. She's wearing a strange expression. Somewhere between annoyed and understanding, if that's even possible. But with that face, I'd say anything's possible. I can't think of a single word to say to her. Well, I can think of plenty but none of them seem to be making their way to my mouth, which is slightly disturbing. She's sighing, that's not a good sign.

"Look C, if you're havin' second thoughts about this then just say so, it's no biggie. We can call it quits right now and forget it ever happened. I won't say nothin' that'll ruin your rep."

"No!"

Well, at least my mouth seems to be working again. If it was connected to my brain in anyway I'd maybe have been able to stop that word from sounding as desperate and needy as it did. But the thought of finishing it here, of not giving it a chance, kind of panicked me a bit. I think Faith's relieved that I haven't lost the power of speech altogether. Either that or she's pleased that I don't want to end it now. It's hard to tell with someone who puts up such an effective front all the time. I bet none of the others would believe how she's acting now. She makes such a show of being a hard-ass and all about sex. And here she is tracing my jaw with her thumb, and she hasn't even tried to jump my bones yet. Well, not seriously anyway. Some of our kisses can get pretty steamy though. I'm not sure how long I'll be able to hang onto my virtue. Not that I'm completely virtuous of course, I've done stuff. But it never seemed, well, right. And if Faith's kisses are any indication then I think that may be about to change. Anyway, I should probably elaborate on my previous unexpected exclamation.

"Uh, what I meant to say was...uh, no."

"Yeah, I think we covered that."

"Right, we covered `No'. Ummm."

This is not me. I've been kidnapped by aliens and they've replaced me with some moronic pod person. I am Cordelia, Queen of the witty put-down. Rather good with words in my own way. And now the only word I can think of is `no'. Please God, put some more words into my poor brain. Maybe if I sit up I'll be able to think better. Yeah, that's a plan. So I'm sitting up, pulling Faith with me. She's looking increasingly confused and I can't say I blame her. I must be giving the impression of being in serious need of medication about now.

"Look Faith, I had a pretty bad time of things last year when I started dating Xander. People weren't exactly kind to me. So it's a pretty big step for me to be deciding to get involved in another relationship that's gonna cause me even more hassle. Yes, I want to be with you, but for now I'd kinda prefer not to be the poster child for `Lesbians R Us' at school. I mean, not that I think there's anything wrong wi..."

She's getting off the bed. Now she's standing looking at me, with her hands raised like she thinks I'm going to shoot her or something. I'm not the only one in need of hard drugs it seems.

"Woah CC, slow it down babe. I wasn't askin' you to declare your unendin' love for me over the PA system. All this `relationship' shit is new to me OK? So how about we just have some fun and see what happens?"

Fabulous, a commitment phobic. And I thought that was a male trait. But she's making sense. What's the use of committing social suicide right now? I can have her all to myself for a while and see if I can put up with her on a private level before going public. She's coming back over to the bed. She's walking funny, like she's approaching a wild animal who might pounce at any second.

"C? Is that...I mean, you cool with that? It's just that I've never really been good in a long-term way ya know? I always seem to fuck things up somehow so I wouldn't wanna...not that I'm plannin' on fucking you over or anything, but it happens. So...is that OK? Cuz I meant what I said, we can stop now if that's what you want."

That is so far from what I want I can't even imagine ever wanting it. I need to let her know that. But given my pitiful verbal efforts of a few minutes ago I don't think words are gonna cut it right now. But there are other ways to use your mouth, so I think I'll do that. I grab her shirt and drag her down so that she falls on top of me. Her lips crash against mine and for a few moments I lose myself in the comfort of her kiss. She pulls away far too soon and looks down at me questioningly. I guess words aren't completely avoidable.

"I don't want to stop. I want you, Faith. So why don't we have some of that fun you were talking about?"

There, a whole sentence. Three even. That's better. She's shaking her head and smiling. I guess she's as surprised by me sometimes as I am by her. Maybe we both bring out things in the other that other people don't get to see. It's nice to have someone to be different with. And it's even better having someone who kisses like Faith does.

She settles her body into mine carefully, testing to see if she's too heavy for me. It's these little things that make me like her even more. She strokes my hair away from my face and looks into my eyes. The silence stretches comfortably between us as we continue to regard each other, the only noise being the TV in the background. Her eyes leave mine and flicker to my lips. Immediately I feel my body react. My breath starts coming quicker and my hips start pressing up into her, all by themselves...I didn't tell them to do that. She takes her index finger and runs it along my eyebrow, down my cheek, finally resting it on my bottom lip. I have no choice, my lips part and her finger slips in. My lips close around the slender digit and I suck gently. She smiles and draws her hand back slowly, her moistened finger gliding over my tongue easily. She leans down and replaces her finger with her lips, this time it's her tongue in my mouth, lazily playing with my own in a game neither of us wants to win. Then I feel her hand on my breast. Instantly my nipples harden at her touch. I gasp into her mouth as she squeezes the newly sensitised area. I have to get in on this act before I lose all my faculties. My arms are currently busy being wrapped around her torso, holding her as close as humanly possible. So I do the only thing available to me. I bring my thigh up between her leather clad ones and shudder as she moans into my cheek. I can feel her pressing down onto my leg, rocking herself against the very willing surface. I try to focus on her face but she's too close to see anything. I think her eyes are closed though. My own eyelids drift shut as her ministrations increase. I can feel the arousal building in me. The intensity of it is frightening. I am a slave to Faith's hands. And her lips, can't forget her lips.

Just as I'm about to give myself over completely to the feeling, her hands leave my body. Then my leg is pushed away from its position between her thighs. I don't get it. Did I do something wrong? Was I not good? Then I feel her arms envelope me and pull me into a tight embrace, rocking me. She's whispering in my ear.

"Not yet. Not yet. Soon, but not yet. Let me do this. Let me show myself that I can do this. I'm sorry I got you all worked up. But not yet."

I bury my face in her shoulder and sigh in relief. I actually feel like I'm going to cry. Whether it's because I'm happy that she's treating this differently from her usual...dalliances, or whether it's from sheer frustration I can't be sure. I know one thing though. I don't want to go home tonight. I want to stay here in her arms, like I am just now. Who knew I was such a snuggly person? Not me that's for sure. But there's something about the way she holds me that I can't get enough of.

"Can I stay here tonight? I promise I won't try and have sex with you."

Her laugh is right beside my ear and vibrates through us both.

"Normally that promise'd be a one way ticket out the door with my boot up you ass. But you, Queen C, are invited to stay here whenever you like. With or without sexual favours."

"Uh...we are going to get round to the sexual favours bit at some point though right?"

Shit, now I'm sounding like some sex starved teenage boy. I sound like Xander!

"C, it's a miracle we haven't `got round' to them already. I don't think it'll be long before it happens. I know I'm wicked sexy, I get why you're havin' a hard time. Just...just let me."

I silence her with a kiss. A relatively chaste kiss. I don't want to aggravate my already raging hormones any more than necessary. Then I snuggle into her and lay my head on her chest. She runs her fingers through my hair. And once again, I'm happy.

Behind Closed Doors

God, is Devon ever going to stop wailing? I can't believe I ever saw something in that guy. I mean, despite the cool factor of being in a band and all...there's just not much there. But still, here I sit nodding my head along to the music. We have to coz we're friends with Oz now. Sometimes it's not that bad. But tonight, well tonight's different. Tonight's the first night I've been out with Xander since the whole Faith escapade started. So to say I'm feeling slightly awkward and not at all charitable to vocally challenged lead singers would probably be accurate.

Thank all that's holy! The set is finished so my poor little ears can take a rest. However, it also means that I'll have to talk. Normally I'm the talkative type. But see, the problem is that I can't lie. Well, I can, but I'm not good at it. It's mostly because I generally just say what's on my mind and therefore don't have to lie a whole lot. Here comes Oz. If you want an example of the non- talkative type, Oz is your guy. He's nice, in a strange laid back kinda way. But conversation is not his forte. He prefers to offer little sound-bytes, often making reference to popular culture. I don't always understand those. There's no seat for him so we all have to squash up. This brings me into very close proximity to Xander. He, as your typical teenage male, takes this as an opportunity to feel me up. That's the last thing I need right now.

"Xander, why are you giving me a lap dance?"

"What? I just like ya!"

A while ago I'd have found that response cute. Tonight it just irritates the hell out of me. I shrug out of his touch. Great, Willow's decided to give us her take on the situation.

"And that's very beautiful. I think it's great when two people like two people and want to be close to them instead of anyone else."

What the hell is she babbling about now? It's probably yet another attempt to bring attention to the fact that she somehow managed to get herself a boyfriend. Hello? We got the message.

"Hear, hear!"

Now why is he so jumpy? Yeah, sure, he's usually a dufus...but he's being dorky in a different way tonight. It takes a trained eye to notice the degrees of dorkiness and he's definitely nearing the top of the range just now. It's like he's nervous or something. I'm accustomed to boys being nervous around me but not Xander. And it's not just him, Willow's babbling seems slightly more...babbly, if that were possible.

"Nicely put, hey can I snag a sip?"

Strange to think that Oz's simple request for a drink of soda could cause such commotion. Both Willow and Xander reach for the cup at the same time and then pull their hands away like they've been burned or something, spilling the cup's contents in the process. My boyfriend proceeds to embarrass me further by, well, by just being himself.

"Thank you! Thank you. We're here through Saturday. Enjoy the veal."

He finally sits down. Willow's looking like someone gave her a B minus in math. It's all just too weird. I can't let this slide.

"Why are you guys so hyper?"

Willow's eyes flick to Xander, just for a second, before she launches into another nervy speech.

"Hey, speaking of people and. things they do that aren't like usual, anyone notice Buffy acting sorta... different?"

Hmmmm, that was definitely deliberate subject changing. And it wasn't all that well done because we're still on the subject of people acting weird...but just not the two of them. This is something I'll have to keep my eye on.

"Let's see, killing zombies, torching sewer monsters and...no, that's, uh, pretty much the, uh, same old Buffster."

To be honest I have to agree with Xander. I haven't noticed anything strange about Buffy lately. Of course, `strange' when applied to Buffy has to be a relative term. But she's been almost semi-normal since she started back at school - she even tried dating someone who was living. That's a big step for her. And she did save my ass quite a few times when we were stuck in the woods being hunted like animals. I suppose it's quite a compliment to be mistaken for a slayer. Especially Faith. If I hadn't been so focussed on surviving the night, I'm sure I'd have been flattered.

"Well I just mean... ya know she's off by herself a lot more...and she's. kind of distracted."

That is true actually. Of course Obsesso-Willow would notice it more than the rest of us. It must be like a dream come true for her to have an actual friend who isn't Xander. I suppose it's understandable that she monitors her behaviour a little more closely than strictly necessary. But she has a point, Buffy has been a bit spaced lately. I think I just attributed it to the whole `I'm really just a meek little school-girl' act she's been pulling. That's what happens when you're a suspect in a murder case then you take off for three months. People take a lot of convincing that you're not a psycho. But it could be something else. I think I'll offer my hypothesis to the group.

"Think maybe she has a new honey?"

This had obviously not occurred to Willow. You can tell from the blank look on her face. Is it really such a stretch? Come on, Buffy's hardly unattractive now is she? She's not my type but she doesn't belong in a French bell tower or anything.

"A boyfriend? Why wouldn't she tell us?"

Oh Willow, Willow, Willow. You're so innocent. There are so many reasons for not telling people certain things I could write a book on the subject. It's quite sad actually. I hid Xander for so long and now I'm doing the same thing with Faith. Maybe I have a problem. Oh yeah, I'm a snob, I forgot. And anyway, Buffy has quite a few valid reasons of her own to be less than forthcoming with any new love interests.

"Excuse me? When your last study killed half the class and then your rebound guy sends you a dump-o-gram? It makes a girl shy."

Yep, or if you've got a boyfriend and then suddenly acquire a girlfriend...that can also affect your willingness to announce your new relationship to the world. Maybe that's it; maybe Buffy's got a girlfriend. Wouldn't that be a kicker? Yeah right, and pigs might fly.

"But we're the best of Buffy's bestest buds! She'd tell us."

"Tell you what?"

Ah, the girl in question has arrived.

"About your new boyfriend who we made up...unless we didn't."

Willow seems to have calmed down an awful lot since we started talking about Buffy. I should have pursued my earlier line of questioning further. But I got distracted by all this talk of Buffy's love life. Hey, I'm a girl, I like gossip. So sue me. Plus it takes my mind off my own tangled web of a personal life for a little while and that's always a good thing.

"This was a topic of discussion?"

Buffy seems surprised. Of if only she knew just how much time Xander and Willow devote to talking about her, even when they're on dates. `Buffy would have liked that movie' `Buffy likes Mexican food' `I wish Buffy were here to save us from that vamp'. Actually, that last one was possibly me.

"Raised, but never discussed."

See, Oz is a man of few words. He's kind of suave in the non-James Bond way. I'm having a hard time picturing James Bond in one of Oz's shirts. Or Oz in a tuxedo. But I'm fed up with all this beating around the bush. Is she dating somebody or not? We have a right to know.

"So, are you dating somebody or not?"

"I wouldn't use the word `dating'. But I am going out with somebody, tonight as a matter of fact."

She's got me interested now. I hate it when people bait you with this kind of statement. It usually means lowering yourself to ask the question that they want you to ask and I detest pandering to people's pettiness. So luckily Willow does it for me.

"Really? Who?"

Mmmm, someone just drew a hand along my back.

"Yo what's up?"

Oh God, my stomach just hit my feet. A combination of the sheer panic brought on by my girlfriend standing next to my boyfriend and the customary effect her voice has on me. She's much better at this acting thing than me. She doesn't even look in my direction. She is looking fiiiiine. Tight white top is a fabulous look on her.

"Hey, time to motorvate."

Ummm...wait a minute...what is she...why is Buffy putting her arm around. that's not.

"Really, we're just good friends."

You better believe it Blondie! I'm slightly placated by the strange look Faith sent Buffy when she made that ridiculously subtext laden comment. How dare she insinuate that her and Faith are an item! If anyone should be going around hugging Faith in public it's me, not her. I've got a good mind to go after them and kick her ass...but I won't, because she could probably beat me up using her little toe. But that little display is just the last straw tonight. All this weirdness is too much for me and I just want to go home.

"Uh, look, I'm kind of tired so I'm going to head home...coming Xander?"

I hope that didn't sound like I was hinting at anything. Although. I'm not actually getting any with Faith. Which I never envisioned whenever I fantasised about her. I suppose they would have been rather tame fantasies if I had just thought about us holding hands and having serious discussions about politics. But anyway, no, I will not use Xander to work out my sexual frustrations, that would be wrong.

"Uh, no, that's OK Cordy I think I'll just stay here for a while...if that's OK with you, I mean."

Since when does he ask for my permission to do anything. And again with the strange looks in Willow's direction. Fuck it. They can have their little secrets if they want. They're probably going to discuss Buffy some more. Her birthday's only like a month away. They'll be trying to come up with something to top last year. How do you outdo an arm in a box? I'm sure they'll think of something. But I'm out of here anyway.

"Whatever. Bye."

Ugh. I thought I was going to suffocate sitting at that table. It's like guilt is weighing down on my chest. Plus they were all getting on my nerves like you wouldn't believe. I need to get out of this place. I break into a run in my desperation to escape the stuffiness and my conscience. I finally reach the door and step gratefully out into the cool night air. For some reason I'm panting and I lean against the wall to calm myself down. The night's a bit cooler than I'd like and I pull on the sweater I had slung around my shoulders and shiver. I slip my hands into the pockets. My left hand closes around something cool and metallic. That definitely wasn't there earlier. I pull it out and examine it. It's the key to Faith's motel room.

I smile to myself. That's actually quite romantic. She must've put it there when she passed me earlier. Suddenly I'm not so desperate to get home. I should feel bad. A minute ago I was all guilt-ridden and angsty. Now all I can think about is lying on her bed waiting for her to get back from slaying. She's always pumped with adrenalin when she gets back. And sometimes she's sweaty. And occasionally a little bit dirty. OK, I'm sold, Faith's place it is.

I draw up outside the motel, parking in my usual spot. I wonder if anyone's seen my car here. It's not like you could mistake it for another. The `Queen C' license plate is a dead giveaway. Then again, I don't know anybody in this part of town besides Faith so it's unlikely that anyone will know me. At least, it's unlikely that anyone important enough to make trouble will know me.

I get out of the car and make my way to her room. I slip the key into the lock and hear the deep, satisfying `clunk' as it turns. Getting into my house is like breaking into Fort Knox. Life is simpler here in some ways and so much more complicated in others. I push the door open and switch on the light. I'm careful to lock the door after me. As ever the room is tidy and spotless. I perch on the end of the bed and take my shoes off. I place them carefully under the bed so as not to mess up the room.

Hmmm. Now what? I have no idea how long she'll be. I could watch TV. But there's never anything good on TV at this time of night. She doesn't have anything to read that isn't a series of brightly coloured pictures with speech bubbles. So not my scene. I suppose I could just lie on the bed and look alluring, it's not like it takes a lot of effort. Yeah, I'll do my best femme fatale pose. She won't be able to resist my charms. Especially in this skirt.

What is going on? What's that banging noise? Don't they know I'm trying to sleep here? How rude are some peop...shit! I fell asleep. I'm at Faith's and now she's home. Sleeping wasn't part of the plan. At least I wasn't drooling on the pillows. I jump up and quickly straighten my clothes down.

"Yo C, what you doin' in there? Any chance of me gettin' in there tonight?"

"Just a sec."

I manage to drop the key so it takes me two attempts to open the door. Could I be more of a klutz? But what's waiting on the other side of the door makes up for my evening of torture. She's standing there grinning as I finally get the door open. I let my eyes take in the sight of her.

"Been asleep, Queen C?"

How does she know that?

"Uh...no...no, I was just resting on the bed."

She steps close to me and runs a finger down the side of my face.

"So how come you got a crease like the Grand Canyon down your cheek?"

My hand flies to my face and there is indeed a wrinkle running the length of my cheek. Damn, so much for perfecting the alluring look.

"I guess I must've drifted off for a little while."

She laughs and moves fully into the room, closing the door behind her. She traces my cheek again, watching the progression of her finger closely. Then her eyes meet mine. She leans in and gently brushes her lips across the blemish. I shiver and she puts her arms around me. This isn't quite the post-slayage Faith I had imagined. She rests her chin on my shoulder and sighs.

"Sorry I'm late. We got held up."

"We? As in, you and Buffy?"

Did that sound jealous? I didn't mean it to sound jealous. Because I'm not jealous at all, really.

"Yeah, me, B and Giles had to go to the library to talk to this new Watcher broad that showed up outta nowhere tonight."

She squeezes me tightly for a second before releasing me and taking her off her denim jacket. I sit on the edge of the bed and watch her hang the garment up and put it away, trying not to feel relieved that Giles was with them the whole time. Then what she said actually registers in my brain.

"New Watcher? As in, a new Watcher for you?"

"Yep, Council thinks I need more attention than Giles can give me. So they sent this stuck up Julie Andrews wannabe in a twin-set and pearls to be my Watcher."

She's evidently not pleased by this development.

"So, you're not too keen on this woman then?"

"You got that right. She criticised my slaying and she was actin' all superior with Giles an' shit. Lady needs a personality transplant. Then, when she's leavin' she makes me go with her and she gives me this pep talk about trying not to feel like a second string or somethin' like that. That just cuz Buffy was the Slayer first, I shouldn't `feel that my position is any less important than hers'"

She said the last bit in a really funny English accent. I try to hold it in, what with the serious topic of conversation, but I can't. So I laugh. Loudly. Faith looks at me strangely for a minute. Slowly her lips turn upwards in a smile and before long she's laughing along with me. I lie back on the bed and close my eyes, trying to get my laughter under control.

I stop laughing abruptly when I feel a weight press against my legs. I open my eyes to see Faith straddling my waist, settling her leather clad legs on either side of my body.

"You know what? I'm fed up fuckin' talkin' about her."

She runs her finger down my neck and pulls gently at my sweater. She looks to me for a reaction.

"You know what? I'm fed up talking, period."

I reach up and grab the front of her top, pulling her down on top of me, her lips colliding with mine on the way down. This kiss is different from all the others we've shared. There's an implication in this one that's never been there before. My heartbeat quickens as the kiss deepens. My hands slip up her back, underneath the top that's so good at showing off everything she has to offer. Well, almost everything. I tug urgently at the fabric. She breaks the kiss and lifts her arms, allowing me to pull the unnecessary article of clothing over her head. I toss it aside as she sits herself back up. It really should be illegal to look that good. And there are very few people who could get away with a black bra underneath a white top, but she manages it. All of a sudden I feel inadequate. This has never happened to me, ever. She seems to sense this.

"You're beautiful Cordelia."

That's all it takes for me to get back on track. I start to sit up and Faith leans back a bit so I can adjust my position so that I'm sitting with my back against the headboard. She then moves back so she's sitting on my thighs. I need to touch her so badly. But I don't know where to start. I place my hands on her shoulders, feeling the hidden muscles working underneath the flawless skin. I slide my hands over her collar bone, I run my fingertips down her sides, I caress the firm surface of her stomach. All the while she sits and watches me, her increased respiration the only indication of her arousal.

I take a deep breath and move my hands to her full breasts. I've never felt another woman's breasts before so it's a learning experience. I know what I think feels good and I just have to hope she agrees. I hear her breath hitch in her throat when I rub my thumbs over her rapidly hardening nipples. They're standing out against the cloth of her bra now. I take my hands away and smile at her whimper of protest. I lean in and kiss her parted lips. Her tongue slips into my mouth and I reach around behind her and undo the clasp, releasing her breasts to my eager eyes. I pull away from the kiss and sit back to drink in the vision in front of me. Her nipples appear to get even harder under my scrutiny and her breathing steps up a notch.

Suddenly I find myself on my back with those breasts pressed against my own. It appears that I've gotten her a bit worked up now and she's devouring my neck with her lips. I hear a zipper and out of the blue my skirt disappears. My strappy vest quickly follows it and I'm left in nothing but a pair of panties.

There's very little blood getting to my brain so my hands are quite clumsy as they work at the buttons of her fly. Then her mouth closes around my breast and I'm gone. All thoughts of her pants are temporarily forgotten as I move my hands to the back of her head, encouraging her to continue what she's doing. I don't know exactly what it is she's doing that feels sooooo good, but as long as she keeps doing it I couldn't care less. Then a hand starts moving down my stomach. Soon it's at the waistband of my panties and my hips are all the way off the mattress trying to increase the contact. The hand slips lower and I pull Faith up to kiss her deeply. We easily find a comfortable rhythm and I hang onto Faith's shoulders for dear life.

"Oh...oh yeah...yuh huh...oh God...oh Goooood!"

"You can call me that if you like but I prefer Faith."

I would reply but I'm way beyond coherent speech now. My eyes are squeezed tightly shut as Faith continues to work her magic on my body. Every touch is ignites my skin. Every kiss sears itself into my consciousness. I keep forgetting to breathe, which is slightly dangerous. There's no way I can hang on much longer.

"Oh...omigod...ah...ye...Faith...please...please...Faith...I."

After that the power of speech deserts me as my body goes to another plane of existence. It's the only explanation for the floating sensation that's overtaken me and the strange tingling all over. It's like my body has come alive, or thawed out. Like I've been touched for the very first time. OK, so it's corny and very possibly in contravention of copyright laws, but I defy you to come up with a better description of an orgasm from Faith.

Faith, who is currently cradling my lolling head against her chest and stroking my hair. She probably thinks I'm dead. Well, they do call it `Le petit mort' don't they? In this case it should probably have been `Le grand mort'. I finally manage to force my eyes open and I look up at her.

"You OK?"

I wrap my arms around her and bury my face in her chest. She rubs my back. Then I realise that she might be thinking that I'm not OK from my reaction. I quickly look up and smile at her.

"I'm perfectly OK. I don't think I've ever been more OK than I am right now."

She grins.

"I think I can live with that."

I lean up and kiss her lips softly. I pull back and look into her eyes. Then I kiss her again, more firmly this time, lowering my hands to her fly once again. I'm thinking a little more clearly this time so I manage to get them undone. I start to slide the tight leather down over her hips. She shimmies slightly to help them on their way. She isn't wearing any underwear. I move away from her lips so I can remove her boots and then her pants. Deciding to be bold, I kiss my way up her legs, giving particular attention to her thighs. Her arousal is evident and she's looking down at me in anticipation.

"I've never done this before so I may not be very good at it, OK?"

I feel it's polite to let her know this in advance so she doesn't get her hopes up too high. I glance up at her and see she's laughing silently, her whole body shaking. She then throws her head back and laughs out loud. It's not very courteous to laugh before I've even started.

"I...I'm usually a really quick learner though so it should get better soon...I...what are you laughing at?"

She reaches down and practically lifts me up so that I'm lying on top of her, our naked bodies pressed against each other. Sometimes I forget just how strong she is.

"I'm laughing at you C. That...uh...that's definitely the first time anyone's been between my legs and said that."

Oh.

"Well, I...I just didn't want you to be disappointed that's all."

She kisses the end of my nose.

"Cor, you don't have to do anything you don't want to. But whatever you do I know it'll be fabulous. Hell, I get turned on just lookin' at ya. So don't sweat it, OK?"

I consider this. I suppose everybody has to do it for the first time at some point. It may as well be now. I lean down and kiss Faith once on the lips before I move down her body, licking and nipping at points of interest on the way.

Again I find myself at my destination. Sucking up my courage I go in. At the first touch of my tongue her hips rise up to meet my mouth. I'm desperately trying to remember what Xander used to do to me but my mind's a blank so I decide just to go for it. From the sound of things I'm doing OK. Her hand grasps the back of my head and holds it in position. I hold onto her thighs to steady myself. This is actually much more enjoyable than I'd thought it would be. It always struck me as quite gross and icky, as activities go. Oh God, she's stopped making noise...that's probably bad. Oh, no, it's fine, it's just because her thighs are pressed so tightly against my ears that I can't hear anything. That's encouraging anyway. I increase my efforts until I feel her go rigid. Her thighs release their death grip on my head and I take this opportunity to surreptitiously wipe my face on the sheet. Hey, I'm new at this, I'm not up on the etiquette just yet.

I move back up to hold her. I find her breathing heavily and covered in a thin veil of sweat. It's quite gratifying to know that I did that. I hold her close and wait for her eyes to open. They do, eventually, and I smile down at her. She smiles back.

"Hey."

"Hey...so, am I to take it from your reaction that I was OK for a beginner?"

She grins.

"Babe, if I didn't know any better, I'd say you were a pro."

I think I'll take that as a compliment. She props herself up on an elbow and cups my face with her free hand. She wants to say something but she's struggling for the words. I get that. So I save her. By kissing her. When we part we don't need words. I snuggle up against her as she pulls the sheet up around us. Isn't it funny how the worst nights can have the best endings?

Midnight Talker

NOTES: Set just after Faith fights the big guy in Revelations
DEDICATION: To RedGirl, for putting up with fragmented, unfinished and untitled versions of these stories.

I can't stop thinking about her. And it. We did it last night. And it's all I've thought about since. The feel of her on top of me, her deliciously solid weight pressing on my body. Her skin gliding over me as she makes love to me, worships me, owns me. I don't think they'll be letting me into the feminist league any time soon if I keep thinking things like that. But I can't help but feel a slight giddiness every time I remember the touch of her lips on my hot, enflamed flesh. Licking and sucking and caressing and...oh no, I've become a nymphomaniac. It's all her fault. With the leather and the lips and the bod. I was never all that concerned with sex before and now I'm obsessed. Of course it's not just the sex. It's everything. But the sex is especially fun.

With Xander sex was good. Well, I don't know if you'd call it sex coz we didn't...umm...indulge in...actual intercourse. I wonder why that is. It's not like he didn't want it. It was often very obvious just how much he wanted it. But he never forced the issue...which was sweet. And just adds to the mountain of guilt slowly building on my shoulders. Way to kill my happy Faith-sex-buzz. Now I'm back to serious thoughts. Damn.

Right, so, telling Xander. How do I go about it exactly? Do I tell him why I'm breaking up with him? Would it make it better if there was someone else? Or should I just leave any mention of Faith out? But if I don't tell him the real reason then that's like I'm saying that being with nobody is better than being with him. That might dent his ego a bit. And if I did happen to mention Faith...aaaaargh! I don't know. How would he take it? Maybe it wouldn't be so bad. Boys like the thought of girls together, right? Who am I kidding? If Xander came to me and told me he'd been cheating on me and now wanted to get together with the other party, be they male or female, I'd kill him. Not literally of course. But I'd...be very displeased. So I can hardly expect him to say `That's great Cordy, I'm so happy for you and your new lover, please continue with my full blessing.' That'd be too much to hope for. I'll definitely tell him soon because it really is unfair of me to do this to him.

Where the hell is Faith anyway? If I sit outside this motel much longer I'll get arrested for stalking. Or, from the way the people walking around here are dressed, kerb crawling. Wouldn't mother just love that? I'd thought Faith'd be home earlier tonight. I mean, after last night I'm surprised she can stay away from me. What with me being fabulous in bed and all. But slaying isn't an exact science and she doesn't work office hours so there are no guarantees. Maybe her and Buffy had to go back and report to Giles or something.

Hmmm, her and Buffy. What is that girl's deal? I know it's silly but that stupid comment she made in the Bronze last night really bugged me. Is it so far fetched? I mean, they're always out patrolling together, and training in the library in those little work-out outfits. And let's face it, Faith's carrying on a secret affair with me, why not Buffy too? She wasn't exactly enthused when I mentioned telling people. And Buffy's run with men hasn't been exemplary. A prime candidate for switching sides if ever I saw one. I bet they're at it right now. In a mausoleum or a demon's lair or somewhere equally unromantic. Maybe Buffy likes it dirty. Faith could get the rough stuff with Buffy and the smooth stuff with me. I bet that's it. Ugh, I cannot believe that bitch is cheating on me! And with that little blonde skank of all people. Like it's not bad enough that every guy at Sunnydale High drools over her at every opportunity, including my boyfriend and several of my past interests. Now she's doing my girlfriend in graveyards. It's just not fair!

Come on Cordy, get a grip on yourself. You just imagined all of that. You imagined all of it. Not that it's beyond the realm of possibility. But it is by no means reality. Yet. Just talk to Faith. Enquire, subtly, as to her opinion of diminutive blonde people. Yeah, well, that is if she ever makes it home before dawn. I'm giving her another half hour and then I'm gone. Well, maybe another hour. But that's it. Definitely.

Wait a sec, that could be her now. Uh huh, that's her. She's walking funny though...sort of...limpi...shit, she's hurt. Before I know it I'm out of the car and sprinting towards her. Which isn't easy in heels. She looks up at the racket I'm making and flashes me a smile that quickly turns into a wince.

"Oh my God are you OK? What happened? Are you hurt? Dumb question, sorry. What happened?"

I look her over and I'm relieved to see there's no blood.

"I'm just a little banged up, that's all. Ribs are bit sore."

I reach out and touch her side, quickly withdrawing my hand when she gasps in pain.

"Sorry, I'm sorry."

"S'OK babe, just uh...maybe lay off with the touching for a little while huh?"

She grins apologetically.

"So, what happened? For the third time."

"Got beat up."

"Duh, by who? How many were there?"

"One"

One? One vamp, or whatever, did this to her? One? My face must betray my surprise because she huffs indignantly.

"Yeah one! But. he was fuckin' huge...like 7 feet tall or somethin' and."

Hey, who am I to critcise? I'd be lucky if I could take on one human. And a really little human at that. A child. Possibly a toddler.

"Faith, shut up, there's no need to justify your injuries to me. Let's just get you inside and get you fixed up."

She eyes the stairs up to her floor warily, like they're about to eat her or something. I'm taking it that it hurts her ribs to walk. Hence the limp.

"Here, lean on me."

I suddenly feel the intense desire to burst into song. But I don't think that'd go down well with Ms Self-Sufficiency, who at the moment is regarding me like I just suggested she start wearing pastels.

"Uh, no...it's OK...I think I got stairs down."

Stubborn ass. Fine, let her struggle up in agony. I may sound like a hard hearted bitch, but in my experience people usually have to learn the hard way. She takes a deep breath and regrets it, looks like it hurts to do that too. Then she takes her first step up the stairs. She doubles over in pain, but quite impressively manages not to cry out. The same can't be said for her second step. I take pity on her and I don't actually force her to physically ask for my help. Instead I move towards her and take her arm, supporting her weight and taking the stairs slowly one at a time. She starts to protest about half way up.

"Really, look I can take it from here...it's not that bad."

"You want me to poke you in the side again?"

She shuts up. We finally reach the top and she turns to me.

"Thanks."

"No problem."

We're not big on mushy speeches. Evidently. She opens the door and we enter. She gingerly lies on the bed, trying to find a comfortable position. Seemingly finding one she lets out a long sigh of relief. I decide to let her enjoy it for a little while so I head into her simple bathroom and retrieve the necessary supplies to attend to her needs. Her medical needs I mean. Ribs are a tricky thing, in such a silly place that it makes them really hard to do anything for. They'll be better in the morning anyway, slayer healing is a wonderful thing. So I'll just bind them up tonight with a bandage.

Armed with my stuff I go back out and take a second just to look at her. She's lying with her side cradled and her eyes closed. She's simply adorable. I walk slowly to the bed and sit down. She opens her eyes and looks up at me without saying anything. I think I read somewhere that a person's eyes are the window to their soul. If that's the case, Faith's soul is big, deep and beautiful. God, I'm expecting Hallmark's recruitment call any day now.

"We gonna play `Doctor' now? You did promise me the other night."

I raise an eyebrow at her mischievous and flirty tone.

"I thought touching was a no-no at the moment."

"Well...I didn't say anything about touching lips, I could just about manage that."

I lean in and softly press my lips to hers. It was meant to be very brief. It doesn't turn out that way when she opens her mouth and seeks entry to mine. Like I'm going to refuse. Then it's prolonged further when she draws my tongue into her mouth, caressing it with her own. Without thinking I lean further into her, needing more contact. A little too much contact as it happens.

"Ah ah ah ah ah ah, Cor, the ribs, ah!"

"Oh sorry! I'm so sorry. Sorry."

She smiles half-heartedly. She can hardly blame me. She started it with all the talk of `playing doctor' and then practically begged me to kiss her. Maybe we should just get to the nursing part of the evening now.

"Here, sit up and take your jacket and top off."

She raises an eyebrow.

"Oh please, do you have to see innuendo in everything?"

"That one was just a little too easy C."

Nevertheless, she shifts herself into a sitting position and struggles to get out of her beige jacket. How the girl managed to carry such a selection of jackets with her on the run from Boston is beyond me. And I'm not even going to mention the amount of pants she owns. I want to help in the removal of clothing, but I'll probably just hurt her again if I do. Soon she sits in nothing but a simple black bra.

"You want this off too?"

The answer to that question is an emphatic `yes'. But if that comes off there's no way I'll be able to keep my hands off her. So it's better if it's on.

"No, you can keep that on."

She grins. I think she knows the reasoning behind that answer. A huge bruise covers most of her left side. It's deep, deep purple and now I feel really bad for pressing on it those times. I concentrate on tending to the bruise, which keeps my mind off the contents of her bra. I pour some witch hazel onto cotton wool and apply it to the damaged area. Hundreds of goose pimples rise up at the contact. I'd like to think I caused them but it was probably the cold liquid touching hot flesh. With that done I unfurl the bandage and start to wind it around her midsection, tight enough to support but not to be painful.

"So...what's the deal with B and Angel?"

That was out of the blue. Angel. I haven't thought about him in a while. The nightmares are getting less frequent. Why is she suddenly interested in Angel?

"Where did that come from?"

"Oh ya know, me and B were talkin' earlier an' I mentioned Angel and she just sort of clammed up, I was just wonderin' what the scoop was."

Is she scoping out the competition? Wondering if she's got a lot to live up to? Is she jealous?

"There's no scoop. He was good, she slept with him, he went bad, killed a bunch of people and she sent him to hell. That's it. Why are you so interested in Buffy's love life all of a sudden?"

"I'm not! But you hafta admit, a vampire an' a slayer doin' the deed, on the interestin' scale it's pretty high up there."

"Are you sleeping with Buffy?"

So much for subtlety. I didn't mean to say that. I really didn't. And now I'm wishing for the floor to open up and swallow me because hearing it out loud made it sound really silly.

"Huh?"

Oh well, no point in backing down now.

"You heard me, are you sleeping with Buffy?"

"No."

There it is, an answer. The one I wanted to hear. Fair enough.

"OK. Good."

I return my attention to bandaging, trying to ignore the shocked look on her face. A hand comes down to still mine. I look up into her confused brown eyes and mentally kick my own ass.

"Uh, C? You can't just say somethin' like that an' then say `OK good'...what the fuck was that all about? Why the fuck would I be sleeping with Buffy?"

I cringe inwardly at the hurt tone in her voice. I'm going to have some explaining to do to get out of this one.

"I don't know. It's just, you know, you're so...and she's...well just about everybody thinks she's all that and she said that thing last night about dating you and I got to thinking about stuff and well, nobody knows about us so there's no reason I'd know if you were sleeping with her and now you're asking about Angel and I just thought I'd ask and you're not so everything's fine."

Wow, got that out in one breath. Not sure it made sense. I'm guessing not from the utter bewilderment on her face.

"Uuuuhhh...what?"

"Look, it was just me and my paranoia it's just that I've never liked anyone as much as I like you and I guess I'm scared that maybe you don't feel the same way so when Buffy said that last night it made me nervous and I started imagining all these scenarios involving you and her and cemeteries and sweating and after last night I so didn't want you to be sleeping with her and."

Thank God one of us decided to shut me up. It was her, incidentally, with her lips. Not that I'm complaining. I'm careful this time not to hurt her. We part and she cups my cheek, gazing into my eyes with an indulgent smile adorning her perfect features.

"Cordelia, I'm not fucking Buffy. I blew her off early tonight so I could get back here...course the big ugly dude sidetracked me a bit. I'm not fucking anybody but you. And I don't want to be fucking anybody but you...which is kinda weird for me. But I'm quite happy with the way things are goin' here. Like I said before, I had my eye on ya for a while. I'm cool with this and...what I'm tryin' to say here is that...well...ya know...that I...really like you an' shit."

And there it was. An admission of `really liking'. It was perhaps the single most romantic thing I have ever heard. I finish tying her bandage and with no further words we lie back on the bed. She adjusts herself so that her side is cradled and her head is resting on my chest. There will be no sex tonight. But I don't care. She really likes me.