TITLE: Your Freudian slip is showing

AUTHOR: Angelina

EMAIL: angelina2006@hotmail.com

Fearing These Days

NOTES: A longer gap than I'd planned between this one and the last one, if you've forgotten this series catch up at one of the archives above.

Apparently I'm not going to be able to avoid Xander today as he's standing at my locker right now looking at me. From the look on his face I'd say there's something serious going down. He doesn't even smile as I approach him.

"Hey."

"Meeting in the library."

Straight to the point. How unlike him.

"When?"

"Now."

"Now?"

What can possibly be so important at this hour of the day? I've only had one cup of coffee for God's sake.

"Now."

"What's up?"

"Angel's back."

And with that he turns and walks in the direction of the library, leaving me to experience a torrent of emotions. Angel. How strange that I should have been discussing him just last night. And now he's back. From Hell. That's got to be one nightmare trip. Oh my God, Angel was a mad raging monster before Buffy sent him to hell...what's he going to be like now that he's been associating with all the other bad things that are down there? At least it's daylight now, and I'm taking it he's still not too keen on that. So we're safe for a little while. And now Faith'll get to see for herself what the notorious Angel's like. Hey, I've got my own personal Slayer, I forgot about that. That means I can't leave her side until Angel's been dealt with. Oh the sacrifice.

I quickly stuff things into my locker and hurry off to the library so as not to miss what's being said. When I arrive a very sombre Giles greets me with a nod. Xander doesn't even look up. He never did like Angel, even before the whole soul-losing deal. Of course that was all to do with the fact that Angel had a certain slayer running after him like a little lap-dog. Why does it bother me that jealousy might still be factoring into his feelings towards Angel? It's totally hypocritical of me to be annoyed at him for being concerned about his friend after the stuff I've been up to with Faith. But it's not like I can control my irrational bouts of jealousy so why should he? I've confused myself now.

My teeth just started hurting, which is normally a sign that Willow and Oz have walked in. I take it no-one's told them about the new development because they're being typically hand-holdy and smiley. This should be interesting. As they approach Willow draws her attention away from Oz and glances around, taking in the serious demeanour of the room.

"What's wrong?"

That girl can put more panic into two words than I could into a paragraph.

"Where's Buffy?"

And of course that'd be the reason behind it. We're all sitting looking worried so that must mean that something's happened to Buffy. Like there'd be no other reason for it. Of course it is related to Buffy...but it might not have been.

"We're waiting for her to arrive. I'm assuming that you weren't privy to the fact that Angel has returned from wherever he was."

Oh, good one Giles. It never occurred to me that Willow might know. Maybe that's why she's been so uptight lately. I can't imagine her being a good liar. And if she doesn't know that's gonna be a blow to her 'I'm Buffy's bestest bud' ego. Either way it makes for interesting viewing. It's clear from her reaction that Buffy had not thought to inform her of Angel's unexpected homecoming. Her face just sort of collapsed and I actually feel very sorry for her. Betrayal's a bitch.

"Uh...no...no I didn't .umm...he's uh...Angel's back?"

"Yep, saw them bumping gums last night myself."

Hey now, this was never mentioned before. She's back with him in that that way. Well that's just...disturbing. He's a monster, right? And Xander was perving on them? Eeeeew.

"So...uh...what are we...has anyone spoken to Buffy yet? I...I mean, we should, you know...let her explain before we jump down her throat."

Under normal circumstances that would probably be fair. But we're talking about a mad, psychotic vampire here who's killed God knows how many people in the past. I don't think tippy-toeing around the subject is the way to go here.

"Uh, hello? Am I the only one who remembers Angel's last stand...you know, where he tried to suck the world into hell? I say we get Faith and go stake him right now."

They're all looking at me like I just suggested torturing sick orphaned puppies or something. Are we all too genteel to kill vampires now?

"Uh...no. No I think it would be wise to speak to Buffy before any decisions are made as to how to proceed in this matter. And I don't want Faith involved."

That man has made an art form out of cleaning his glasses. What does he do to make them so dirty I wonder? But that's not the point is it?

"Why not involve Faith? I'd say having a Vampire Slayer who hasn't slept with the vampire in question might be a plus point."

Yet again they're all looking at me like I'm the anti-Christ. Of course, I'm insulting Saint Buffy, I shouldn't really be surprised that her fan club isn't exactly in agreement with me.

"Faith wasn't here last time...she doesn't know Angel...she'd...it'd be."

Finish a sentence for God's sake, Willow.

"Faith is a little...impetuous...we need to think clearly right now. And before we do anything we need to talk to Buffy. There may be a perfectly good explanation for this."

Can we say 'clutching at straws' Giles? But, as ever, my opinion doesn't count for much at these meetings. The trinity of Buffy-worshippers make the decisions and we all live by them. This is maybe why Oz doesn't even bother to speak. I should try that sometime. And 'Faith's impetuous'? What's that supposed to mean? She doesn't like to get to know vamps before she stakes them? Unlike Buffy of course, who jumps into bed with them.

"When she comes...I don't want...I don't think we should accuse her of anything...we should maybe, you know, uh, tell her how this whole thing makes us feel...but not yell at her or anything."

Even in the face of betrayal Willow remains faithful to her little Buffy. It would be touching, if she wasn't so blind. Angel is back from hell and Buffy is sneaking away to meet him for face-friction. What more do we need to know? But no, we can't shout at Buffy for this in case she cries or runs away again. We couldn't have that, could we?

"I think Willow's right. We shall listen to what Buffy has to say without accusations. Agreed?"

"And...and we should, like, only use 'I statements'. So we say how the situation makes us feel. You know: 'I feel scared' That way we're not projecting anything onto Buffy and she won't feel threatened."

Why are we all talking about Buffy like she's some sort of China doll? I can think of a few 'I statements' I'd like to use.

'I think Buffy's flipped her lid'
'I feel like the only sensible person in this room'
'I wonder when the hell this world got so complicated'
'I want to bury my face in Faith's cleavage'

The 'I statements' proposal is passed into law, so I have to go along with it. But I am not happy at the general lack of enthusiasm for killing Angel in the room. If Buffy'd just offed him last time this wouldn't be an issue now. Now, I know that he's gorgeous and that it would be difficult to thrust a piece of wood into his manly and well-developed chest...but I think I could manage it given the opportunity. And she had the opportunity on many an occasion. And still she worried and got all angsty about killing her boyfriend. Boo-hoo. Of course, then he put Willow in the hospital and all bets were off. Buffy has a thing about that - hurt Willow, you're going down. Still, seems she's forgiven him for that little mistake. Here comes Buffy now. The fun starts here.

"Lagos is out of luck. I got the magic mitten thingie. What's with all the tragedy masks?"

Hmmm, so she doesn't even suspect that she's been caught. This should be interesting. I can't wait to see how she defends herself against this charge. Let's hope it's not with violence. At least, not involving me.

"Better take a seat, Buffy."

Ugh, did Xander have to give her his chair? I think her standing would have been better. Like facing the firing squad. Which is no better than she deserves.

"What's going on?"

She probably just got a look at Willow's face. Well, none of us look particularly happy, but Willow is way beyond unhappy. And Buffy's Willow-Radar will have picked that up and will currently be planning to inflict pain on whoever caused it. Little does she know.

"We know that Angel is alive. Xander saw you with him. It would appear that you've been hiding him and that you lied to us."

Well, she knows now. I must say I'm impressed at Giles. He totally laid his cards on the table with that one. Got in the bit about the lying and everything. And Giles has this way of being really cutting without being obvious about it. He plays 'betrayed' very well.

"Nobody's here to blame you Buffy. But this is serious. You need help."

Well, no-one's gonna dispute that one, Will. The girl is dating a 240 year old vampire, she's in need of serious help.

"It's not what you think."

There she goes, appealing to bestest friend Willow's forgiving nature. For 'forgiving' read 'gullible'. Yeah right. It's not what we think. What the hell is it then?

"Hope not. Coz I think you're harbouring a vicious killer."

Colour me thrilled! My boyfriend, for once, didn't jump on the Lust-Train heading for Buffyville. He actually directed a real accusation at her. I'm quite attracted to him right now. It's a shame I have to dump him.

"This isn't about attacking Buffy. Remember, 'I statements' only. 'I feel angry'. 'I feel worried'."

And of course Willow jumps to Buffy's defence, spoiling the whole 'Let's get Buffy' we had going there. Oh well, I'm not gonna sit here with my mouth shut and let them all cave in and have a group hug or something.

"Fine. Here's one. I feel worried...about me. Last time around Angel barely laid a hand on Buffy, he was way more interested in killing her friends."

I think it's only fair to point out that we are more at risk than Buffy. I mean, it's all very well for her to be getting hot vampire action of an evening but what about us? I could hardly drive a block last time he was here without having a panic attack. It got slightly better when I swapped cars with my grandma. But even then I was still nervous. I've seen vampire films - they go for beautiful young virgins and hello? All of the above here! Well, not so much a virgin any more. But I was then and it was worrying me almost to the point of sleeping with Xander. Thankfully Angel was sucked into hell before it came to that.

"But he's better now."

Better now. Excuse me while I scoff. Apparently there's a cure for vampirism that nobody happened to mention before now. OK, surely I'm not the only one who sees how far gone Buffy is? She's going to be of no use whatsoever in 'Operation Stake Angel'. We should give up now, go find Faith and get it done while it's light. And then Faith and I can head back to her place to check on her injuries. And stuff.

"Better for how long Buffy? I mean, did you even think about that?"

I'm really seeing Xander in a whole new light here. Maybe it's not all jealousy. I mean, I'm sharing quite a number of his sentiments and I'm not jealous of Buffy. Or Angel. So it doesn't necessarily follow that he wants Angel dead because he's been in Buffy's panties.

"What is this? Demons Anonymous? I don't need an intervention here."

You can tell when Buffy's nervous. Her punning is worse than usual. 'Demons Anonymous'? That's just plain lame.

"Oh don't you? You must've known it was wrong seeing Angel or you wouldn't have hidden it from all of us."

If Giles were a girl he'd make a great bitch. He knows just how to twist the knife. He doesn't yell or scream and rant but he gets those little pointed comments in that cut to the bone. And that Buffy can't really come back at because she knows fine well he's right. But let's observe her trying.

"I was going to tell you...I was. It was just that I...I didn't know why he came back. I just wanted to...wait."

For how long? Long enough to be tempted by the contents of his boxers again and send him on another rampage?

"For what? For Angel to go psycho again the next time you give him a happy?"

OK, that was scary. Xander and I were on the same wavelength. Oh God, that can't be good.

"Look I'm not going t...we're not... together like that."

So now she's just telling us barefaced lies? Shouldn't that be against some Slayer code? 'Rule number 417: A Slayer shall not lie to any friends she may have acquired as to the nature of the relationship between herself and anyone of the vampire persuasion'. Lying about illicit lesbian lovers would be OK though. Cuz, you know, it's not like they're likely to kill people. Unless they're really pissed off.

"But you were kissing him."

So few words. But the right ones. If it hadn't been Oz who said that I think Willow would have objected, coz that would probably be seen as an accusation through her eyes. Through mine it's a statement of fact. So now Will's loyalties are all divided: boyfriend or best friend. You know, if Buffy had any common decency she'd be contrite and ashamed right now. But no, not our girl, she goes for indignant and wronged. Could she be more up her own ass? I'm surprised there's room, what with Willow and Xander up there too.

"You were spying on me? What gives you the right."

Yeah, coz the spying's the salient issue here, Buff. I cannot listen to any more of her whining.

"What gives you the right to suck face with your demon lover again?"

A totally valid question. I also thought I'd get the 'demon' bit in there, just in case everyone's forgotten what we're dealing with here.

"It was an accident!"

And the award for the poorest excuse for an explanation ever in the history of the world goes to...Miss Buffy Summers!

"What? You just tripped and fell on his lips?"

Hmmm, I would give him points for that joke, if I hadn't heard it on 'Friends' like, four seasons ago.

"It was wrong OK? I know that, and I know that it can't happen again. But you guys have to believe me I would never put you in any danger. If I thought for a second Angel was going to hurt anyone..."

Funny, when she said 'anyone' she was looking at Willow. If he hurt Willow he'd be toast. If he hurt anyone else she'd just act all tormented for a while and then decide that he could probably still be saved. Can we say double standards?

"You'd stop him. Like you did last time with Ms Calendar."

Ooooh! Low blow, Xander. I like it. It goes without saying that Willow doesn't.

"Buffy, I feel...that when it comes to Angel, you can't see straight and that's why we're, we're all going to help you face this."

Help her face this. That includes staking Angel, right? Right?

"But he's better now, I swear. Look you guys, he's the one that found the Glove of Myhnegon. He's keeping it safe for us in the mansion."

The wounded-puppy look isn't going to work on us Buffy. Well, maybe on Willow. And why can I not equate the word 'safe' with Angel?

"Right! Great plan. Leave tons of firepower with the scary guy. And then leave us to clean up the mess."

Xander makes like he's going to leave but Buffy catches him. For a moment I am truly worried that she's going to deck him. He's quite impressively brave in the face of this possibility.

"You'd just love an excuse to hurt him wouldn't you?"

Oh I'm sure it doesn't hurt them much. Stake to the heart, poof, all gone. It maybe hurts for like a second, he'll hardly feel it. And if it really makes her feel better we could knock him out first. If we were really horrid we could lower him slowly into a vat of Holy water while setting his fingers alight and dropping crosses onto him from above. Or something. Not that I've thought about it in any great detail or anything.

"I don't need an excuse. I think lots of dead people actually constitutes a reason."

Another good point from Xander. I feel quite light-headed at this sudden change.

"Right, this is all nobility. It has nothing to do with jealousy."

But not quite light-headed enough to miss the meaning of that statement. Bitch.

"Hello? Miss Not-over-yourself-yet?"

She turns to look at me and shakes her head in warning.

"Don't you start with me."

Was that a threat? Was she threatening me? Oh I am so going to kick her skinny blonde ass now. Or, at the very least, I'm going to get Faith to beat her up later. There's something very wrong with the world when a Slayer is kissing vampires and threatening civilians with bodily violence.

"Giles, no-one's doing the 'I statements'"

Fuck the 'I statements'. This is way beyond 'I statements' now.

"That's enough. Everybody. Now Buffy knows our concerns, and her actions however ill-advised can be understood."

No way, Giles, I will never understand. And frankly I can't believe he even said that. He was doing so well earlier with the thinly veiled accusations.

"Our priority right now is to retrieve the Glove of Myhnegon and try to destroy it. Now all of you back to your classes."

With pleasure. I'm not sitting here any longer listening to Miss Self-Absorption tell us that her vampiric honey is no threat to society. I put up with a lot of things, living on a hellmouth, but I will not stand by and wait for Angel to wreak bloody havoc here again. I need to talk to Faith. Now.

Push it

AUTHOR’S NOTES: This is a continuation of the ‘Freudian’ series but its tone is very different from the others – more angsty.  I gave up on the idea of the Faith POV thing, guess I’m more of a Cordy than a Faith…I’m not sure if I’m comforted by that or disturbed by it.

~~~~~

OK, it’s official, I’m worried.  She’s not in her motel room, she’s not at the Bronze, she’s not in one of Sunnydale’s many beautiful cemeteries.  Where the hell is she?  I knew I shouldn’t have gotten sidetracked yesterday.  I knew I should have found her straightaway.  But I didn’t.  No, one little jibe from that walking lollipop Harmony about demoting me from Captain and I’m off to cheerleading practice. I’m so lame and fickle.  I should really try to work on that.   I knew there was something weird about that Watcher bitch.  She definitely had some issues…Kristen Scott Thomas wannabe. 

I should have been there with her.  I shouldn’t have had to hear it from Willow today.  It really, and I mean really, annoyed me having to find out from her.  I don’t know why.  Maybe it just hit home that I’m not important enough to have been brought along on this little adventure.  Or maybe it was because it involved Faith and I wasn’t there.  I wanted to scream at Willow: ‘She’s my fucking girlfriend!’  Because there she was, standing with the big eyes and the earnest look, telling me how Gwen Post had gone psycho and that Faith had been taken so far in by her that she fought with Buffy, an actual fist fight.  And of course, that Princess Buffy had been right about everything.  Oh, and also, Angel appears to be good, for the moment.  I don’t think I’ll be taking my crucifix off just yet.  But anyway, Faith had been suckered by this stupid bitch, which is like, the last thing she needs.  So I need to find her and make sure she’s OK.

Oh, wait a sec…this looks promising.  A short dark haired girl wearing a battered leather jacket and tight blood-red leather pants.  That’s her.  She’s walking really slowly and her head’s down.  Which isn’t like her at all.  She’s normally so ballsy and struts about like a damn peacock.  I’m not liking this.  I abandon the car and run after her, wishing I wasn’t wearing high heels.  She’s not turning around despite the clicking of my heels on the street.

“Go away C.”

She didn’t look at me.  She never even broke stride.  I ignore her words and finally catch up with her.  I reach out and grab her arm.

“Lemme go!”

She shrugs me off roughly.  It hurt more than I expected.  Not physically, she’d never do that.  But it hurt me inside that she pushed me away.  But I’ve never been a quitter and I’ll be damned if I’m starting now.  I square my shoulders and take off after her again.  I manage to get in front of her and I get my hands on her shoulders.  She stops and looks directly at me.  Her cheek is bruised and swollen.  Buffy’s handiwork I presume.  I reach out and touch my fingertips to the mottled flesh of her face.  She flinches away at the light contact.

“Are you fucking deaf?  I said, go away.”

She over pronounces each word, like I’m an imbecile or something.

“No!”

I match her angry glare with one of determination.  There’s no way she’s getting away without talking to me.  One of her eyebrows is creeping upwards and I’m guessing that not many people have spoken to her like this.  But I know she won’t hurt me.  Just how I know this is a bit unclear to me, but I’m very sure about that fact.  She sighs.

“What d’ you want?”

She’s acting so nonchalant and it’s killing me.  I know she’s hurting, I know her pride’s been dented, I know her trust has been shattered. So why can’t she just show that?

“I want you to talk to me.  I heard about what happened earlier and I know you didn’t talk to anyone afterwards.  C’mon Faith, let’s just go back to the car and talk.  Please? C’mon, you can trust me.  Please?”

Oh God, begging already?  That’s not a good sign.  It just slipped out.  Now she knows she’s got the upper hand.  But her eyes just carry defeat.

“Funny, you’re the third person to say that to me today.  One of ‘em went psycho and the other one ended up pounding on my face for a while.  Trust really worked out with them huh?  Why would I want to trust you?”

She’s watching me closely now, seeing each of her words hit me and observing their impact.  But I know what she’s doing and I won’t let her.

“It’s not gonna work Faith.  Stop pushing me away.  I know we have something and I’m not going to let you ruin it over some English bitch with a Goddess complex.”

She’s laughing now.  Well, if you could call it that.  It’s not her real laugh, it’s not the deep chuckle that starts off in her chest and works its way up.  I’ve listened to that too many times to mistake this for genuine laughter.  This is hollow and it’s fake.  And it’s scaring me.

“We ‘have something’?  What somethin’ do we have Queen C?  Huh?  We’ve fucked once, talked some.  Hardly some big fuckin’ romance is it?”

Since when were words so painful?  Especially when I know she’s lying.  I know I mean more that that to her.  I know I do.

“Faith, I know this woman hurt you.  I know people have hurt you before.  But pushing me away from you isn’t going to help anything.  Tell me you’ve talked to anyone else here in Sunnydale the way you’ve talked to me.  Tell me you’ve kissed someone else and made them feel the way I feel.  Tell me that and I’ll leave you alone right now.  Because then I’ll know that I’m not the only person you’ve got and I won’t be scared to leave you.  So tell me.”

I don’t know when the tears started but they’re fairly flowing now.  I’m holding onto the lapels of her jacket and I’m very aware of how desperate I sound.  But I can’t help it; something tells me that if I let her go now she might not come back.  And that thought frightens me more than I thought possible.  She finally looks back up at me.  The anger’s gone.  Replaced by…by nothing.  Her face is empty, her eyes dead.  The bruising on her face seems to stand out even more against the starkness of her expression.

“I can’t tell you that C.  But I can tell you that you don’t want me.  I’m trouble, always have been.  So get out now, while you can, before I drag you down.”

It was said with such a lack of emotion that it takes me a second to register what she said.  By the time I do she’s removing my fingers from her clothing.  I tighten my grip and my resolve.

“No, I’m not going anywhere.  I’m staying right here until we talk.”

She looks at me incredulously, which I prefer to the blank look of earlier.

“C, ya think I couldn’t get your hands off me if I wanted to?”

“Then you must not want to coz they’re still there.”

She shakes her head and the hint of a dimple creases her cheek.  All of a sudden I’m kissing her, still holding onto her jacket.  I know it’s not exactly the time or place for displays of affection but I just had to kiss her.  She’s surprised, that much is evident, but it doesn’t stop her kissing me back when she recovers.  Her warm mouth is gentle against mine and her powerful arms slowly wind themselves around my body.  I let go of her lapels and wrap my arms around her neck tightly. 

Then the kiss changes.  The urgency in her movements is unmistakable, I’m finding it difficult keeping up with her. And then I feel my feet leave the ground.  She’s lifting me up and we’re moving.  My back makes contact with the stone wall of an alley.  I emit a really unladylike grunt upon meeting the unrelenting surface.  Then her hands are everywhere.  Running up my thighs, moving over my breasts,  buried in my hair, holding me tight.  Her lips claim mine roughly and the kiss bruises.  I try to move with her but she’s too fast and I’m reduced to a quivering mess of arousal and confusion.  I don’t know what’s happening but at least she’s still here, still with me.

She pulls away suddenly, her eyes unreadable in the dim light of the alley.  My breathing is loud in the night silence.

“This is me, Cordelia.  This is what I’m about.  ‘Get some, get gone.’  I don’t do relationships and I don’t do deep and meaningful.  Maybe I thought I could but I can’t.  So this is me, take it or leave it.”

I wish I could see her face, because from her voice I’d say she’s really close to tears.  I could walk away from her now and forget all about this temporary insanity. I could pretend not to notice how she affects me with her mere presence.   I could go back to biting my lip when Xander’s between my thighs.  Or I could play her at her own game.

“So we’re reverting to the ‘quick fuck’ option huh?  Right then.  Go ahead.  Fuck me.  Fuck me good Faith, cuz if we do it now, like this, it’ll be the last time you ever see me.”

Holding my breath, I grab her hand and thrust it between my legs.  She did not expect that at all and she quickly looks up and I finally get a glimpse of her face.  She looks young.  Like a little girl.  A scared, hurt little girl and I can feel my resolve slipping.  She looks down at where her hand is resting.  My heart is thundering in my chest as her head stays bowed.  She hasn’t removed her hand but she hasn’t done anything with it either.

Then a tiny sound comes out of nowhere.  It’s like a cross between a sniff and a whimper.  And I realise it came from Faith.  Ever so slowly she moves towards me, discreetly removing her hand as she does so.  She keeps her head down and soon her forehead is on my shoulder.  Her hands tentatively rest on my hips.  I carefully encircle her with my arms and wrap her in a tight, reassuring embrace.

“I’m sorry.”

I barely hear the whispered words but I’m quick to respond.  I pull away slightly and look down at her face, buried in my shoulder.

“You don’t have to be sorry.  I understand why you said what you said.  I know what you were doing.  And it doesn’t matter now.”

I lean down and press a slow kiss to her bruised cheek.  I feel a sob escape her chest at the action.  It’s followed by another and another until her whole body is wracked with sobs.  I don’t have slayer strength so the weight of her body leaning completely on me is too much for me to take for a prolonged period.  Somehow I get us both on the ground without letting go of her.  I hold her to me and rock her, stroking her long hair until her crying eases.  She looks up at me with those impossibly deep eyes, currently bloodshot but still breathtakingly beautiful.  She attempts a smile.

“You’ve probably wrecked your skirt.”

I look down at where I’m sitting.  It’s not the cleanest of alleys and I dread to think which substances are seeping into my clothing.

“I’ve got plenty skirts.  Don’t worry about it.”

She nods and sniffs.  However, it is a really expensive skirt.

“That said, we probably should get out of here.”

Hey, I’m only thinking of our health.  Who knows what we could catch if we sit in the gutter of a stinking alley too long?  Faith jumps to her feet, wiping her arm across her eyes.  She holds her hand down to pull me up.  We start to walk in silence towards my car.  Still without speaking I feel her hand slip into mine.  We reach the car and get inside.  I’m reluctant to turn on the engine without knowing where I’m headed.

“You still wanna talk?”

Her voice is small and uncertain.  I’m almost afraid to respond in case I frighten her off.

“Sure.”

Hopefully that was OK. Short and to the point, but not like I’m forcing her into some big confession or anything.  She’s nodding.

“Right…we can go to my place…if that’s…I mean…if you want to…”

“Your place sounds fine.”

She smiles.  I think the decision to talk about it was a big step for her and she already looks relieved.  I smile back at her and fire up the engine.  The drive is silent.  I don’t want to interrupt whatever she’s thinking about.  And she looks deep in thought.

“Cordelia?”

She startled me just then.

“Uh huh?”

“Would you have…if I’d…I mean…would…”

“Would I have let you fuck me?”

Best to get these things out in the open.  And she was obviously dying to ask.

“Uh…well…yeah…I guess that’s what I was gonna ask.”

Her eyes are firmly on her hands which are in her lap.

“Yeah, I would have.”

She looked up at that, her brow all crinkled up with confusion.

“You would?”

I nod.

“But…why?”

“I had to know Faith, one way or the other.  I’m glad it went the way it did. But if you’d chosen to fuck me then and there it would have been the last contact I had with you…and I would need something to remind me of you.”

“So you’d have wanted to remember me like that?  Fucking you against a brick wall?”

She sounds disgusted with herself as she says that.  Probably because she knows that for a considerable number of people, that’s the only memory of her they have.

“Well, yeah.  I’d have needed something to make me hate you.  If you’d done that it might just have made me forget how safe I feel when you hold me or how I melt when I look in your eyes and I am sounding like a complete and utter sap and I will be shutting up now.”

Oh God, I can’t believe I let that mush out of my mouth.  I stare straight ahead and hope she maybe didn’t hear what I said.   I’m not used to these…feelings…being as strong as they are.  They just erupt out of my mouth.  I’m accustomed to saying what’s in my head.  But it’s usually less…icky and more…bitchy.  This is what I get for being incredibly forthright and truthful.

“I thought about it.”

Huh? 

“Huh?”

“I was gonna do it.  I was gonna fuck you.  Just to make you…to make you leave, get away from me, get yourself out of this…”

Her hands are in still in her lap and her head is down, studying a slight scar on one of them.  She’s ashamed of what she’s saying.

“Everyone I ever cared about has left me…I…I guess I just wanted to spare myself the wait this time.  But I couldn’t…I didn’t…I couldn’t do that to you.  I don’t want you to leave…don’t want you to leave me.”

I turn into a side street and pull to a stop.  I have to because I can’t see the road for tears.   I look across at her.  She’s still intent on her hands. I take a deep breath and blink to clear my eyes a bit.  She misinterprets my reasons for stopping the car.

“I’m sorry…I’ll…I’ll go..” 

“No!”

She turns back to look at me and I practically fling myself into her arms, resulting in a very, incredibly uncomfortable position where my lower body is gradually slipping down into the gap between the leather seats while my arms cling to her neck for dear life.  She rectifies this by scooping my legs up and placing me on her lap where we proceed to hold each other for a very, very long time.  Her arms are reassuring around me.  Her scent fills me with relief.  Her caress soothes my worries away.  And her kisses…well, no words can do justice to one of her kisses. 

We softly explore the familiar terrain of each other’s mouths, faces, bodies.  This isn’t just lust.  It’s not just heat and passion and need.  It’s not just about sex.  It’s something deeper.  Oh God…it’s not…couldn’t be…am I in love with her?  No way.  I like the way her ass looks in those tight pants.  I like the way she holds me against her, so tightly.  I could look into her eyes forever and a day without getting bored.  When she kisses me I could die happy right there and then.  But that’s not love…right?  Right?  It’s…it’s…oh no…I’m in love with her.  Oh shit.

Ready for a Fall

NOTES: This part was going to incorporate the events of 'Lover's Walk' but it would end up far longer than all the other parts if I did that.  So that's coming in the next part: 'The Trick is to Keep Breathing'.  ETA is anyone's guess (the title's as far as I've gotten).  So this one's a kind of short filler thingie.

~~~~~~

Right, I'm in love with Faith.  I love her.  OK, so, this love gig...not sure how that goes exactly.  So how do I know I'm in love with her?  I just kind of...do.  Which probably means it's for real.  I mean, if I was just imagining it then...well, I wouldn't be trying to talk myself out of it would I?  It's not that I don't want to love her.  I just never really thought about it in terms of love before.  So I love her.  Right.  That's nice.  That's just great.  I finally fall in love with someone and it's a girl.  And I'm still involved with a guy.  My timing is impeccable.

Said girl is sitting in my passenger seat right now looking gorgeous.  In a sort of tragic, tear-stained kinda way.  We're supposed to be heading back to her place to talk.  This, however, is not a good plan.  If we go back and start talking, I'm going to start blurting out all sorts of stuff that I won't be able to take back.  And we really haven't been involved for all that long and I'd probably scare her to death if I declared my undying love for her right now.  As far as I can tell she's not much for lasting relationships.  In fact, what we have probably qualifies as an engagement.  She did say that she really liked me though.  And she's been watching me since she got here...so...so nothing, I cannot tell her I love her.  Definitely not.

Of course, that means that those three little words are going to be on the tip of my tongue all night.  Which means talking is out.  So I'll have to think up something else for us to do. Would it be morally reprehensible for me to sleep with someone who's had the kind of day she's had just to avoid accidentally telling her I love her?  Probably.  But I'm not ruling it out just yet.  I could maybe, like, just listen to her and not reply.  I mean, she's the one with all the problems right?  I could just nod at the appropriate points.  But that'd be hard for me.  Not speaking I mean.

So we're back to the jumping her as soon as we get in the room plan.  Oh God why is my life so complex?  Why am I always having these great big traumas?  I get stalked by mental invisible people, I get kidnapped and hung upside down by the Master's minions, I'm used as fodder for big horrible snakey things, I get in a relationship with Xander Harris and now I've fallen in love with a Vampire Slayer.  Yep, welcome to my life.

Anyway, we're nearing the motel now and I still haven't decided what I'm going to do about the whole love deal.  Shit, I suppose it's go-with-the-flow time.  She really hasn't said all that much, or anything really, since we had the big tear-fest when I leapt onto her lap.  So maybe we don't need a heart to heart as we've already had some touchy-feeliness.  I can live in hope.

I draw into the parking-lot and turn the engine off.  I look over at her to find her staring at me with those deep-brown eyes.  Then she leans towards me and caresses my cheek.  I love it when she does this.  I love it that she's so gentle with me.  Would it be so bad if I told her I loved her?  Yes. It would be so bad.  It would lead to awkwardness and shock and her leaving.  Probably.  Things were so much simpler before.  Is that what love is?  A complication?  It doesn't feel like a complication.  It feels nice...good.  Do we think I could come up with more insipid words to describe this overwhelming emotion?  That's the problem, it is overwhelming.  Her hand is soft on my face, I just want to melt into her, to be part of her...there, that was better than 'nice' and 'good'.

"Uhhh...maybe we should take this inside."

There, that gives me...oh, about a minute and a half to get myself under control.  Things I must not do: tell Faith I'm in love with her, put pressure on her, take advantage of her in her depressed state of mind, tell her I'm in love with her.  Right, glad I've got that straight.

She's opening the door now.  Wow.  The room is untidy.  That's the first time I've ever seen it like this.  I guess it kinda reflects her state of mind when she left it.  She's currently running around, picking up clothes and straightening bed covers and other such things.  I choose my moment and grab her on the way past.  I plant my hands firmly on her shoulders and look her directly in the eye.

"Leave it, it doesn't matter."

She drops the garments she was holding.  Hmmm, she seems to be in an obedient mood.  Were I not a nice person I could use that to my own benefit.  But I won't.  I guide her over to the bed and we sit down on the rumpled blanket.  I move my hand to her thigh, offering reassurance.  I wait for her to speak.

She doesn't seem to be in any hurry to do so.

I wish she'd speak soon.

I'm getting fidgety now.

She looks so cute and if she doesn't start fucking talking soon I'm going to have to tell her I love her.  And I will not be a happy bunny if I'm forced to do that.

"I want you to tell Xander."

OK, that was not what I thought she was going to say.  In fact, it wasn't even in the realm of possible first sentences.

"You want me to tell Xander?  About us?"

"No, about the sale at Neiman-Marcus."

At least she's making jokes, that's an improvement over earlier.   She wants me to tell Xander.  Oh my God.  That's, like, a total statement of commitment.  That's like her way of saying that she really cares about me...right?  I mean, if I was just a passing amusement she wouldn't want me to dump my boyfriend...right?  So she must kinda love me.

I feel lighter all of a sudden.  Like after colonic irrigation.  OK, not the best comparison in the world but I can't really think straight right now.

"I'll tell him tomorrow."

She smiles.  I need to kiss her.  So I do.  Long and hard.  Her hand comes up and tangles in my hair.  Her arm is strong around my waist, holding me tight against her.  Her lips move desperately against my own.  It's like I can't put enough of what I'm feeling into the kiss, I'm trying to go deeper but I can't.  My hands trail up her body and come to rest on her shoulders.  I push gently.

She leans back on the bed and I follow her.   Our lips remain locked as we move up the bed.  I need her so badly right now I want to scream.  But my mouth's far too busy for that.  It doesn't take much to remove her tight shirt and her bra, allowing me to devour her with me eyes before moving in and licking her throat.  A deep moan escapes her mouth and her hands pull urgently at my clothes.  But she's going to have to wait.  I bite down on her neck and she sucks in a shuddering breath.

"Cor...I."

I place a finger on her full lips and shake my head.

"Shhhh, no talking."

I place a kiss on her bruised cheek before moving down and capturing her erect nipple with my teeth.  She hisses and her body arches up into me, seeking out more contact.  I grant it freely as I take her breast into my mouth.  Her hand rakes up my back and her hips are pressing against my stomach.  I turn my attention to her other breast and she whimpers.  I have never been as turned on as I am right now, and she's barely touched me.  My body is on fire, ablaze, alive.

"Cor...I...I need."

I look up at her. Desire is etched across her face.  I lean up to brush my lips across hers as I undo her flies.  A wave of love sweeps over me as I watch her face when questing fingers make contact with enflamed flesh.  Her eyes close and her head pushes back against the pillow.  We move together rhythmically, like dancers who know each step.  I use my free hand to sweep some hair from her sweat dampened brow.  Her eyes flutter open at my touch.  She looks up at me with such trust.  I lower my head so that our foreheads are touching.  Our lips don't quite meet and I can feel her breath on my face.  I press my hand against her more firmly and she gasps at the change.  Her breathing becomes ragged and I feel her nails dig into the skin on my shoulder.  She inhales deeply and her lower body lifts right off the bed.  I feel her go rigid against me as the tremors of her climax seem to run right up my arm.

"Cordelia."

The word is barely more than an exhalation but it sets off something deep within me and the next thing I know I'm collapsing on top of Faith as my breath is stolen and my body explodes with release.  Well, that was unexpected.  I've never had one of those with all my clothes on before.  Wow.

Faith stirs beneath me and I turn my head to face her.  There are tears running down her cheeks.  Not for the first time tonight I gather her into my arms and hold her as she cries.

"Shhhh baby, shhhh."

She clings to me and buries her face in my neck.  I run my hand up and down her bare back, fingers flitting over faded scars and cooling skin.  Her crying gradually eases until her breathing becomes slow and even.  I pull the covers up over us, ignoring the fact that she's half naked and I'm fully clothed.  I lie, drinking in the scent of her hair, smiling.

*****

I'm wearing a skirt.  I don't usually sleep in a skirt.  Do I?  Definitely not one this tight.  What the.oh, right, I'm at Faith's.  I throw my arm out to hug her.  It flops down on a whole heap of nothing.  Why won't my eyes open?  I think someone glued them shut during the night.  Oh, got one open, that's a start.  The bed's empty.  A big expanse of wide open space.  Where the fuck is Faith?  Oh no, she's gone.  She's decided she can't handle this and she's taken off, back to Boston or somewhere equally unreachable.  This cannot be happening to me.

God, paranoia much?  She probably just went to the Espresso Pump for coffees and donuts or something.  Or for an early morning jog type thing.  Yeah, that must be it.  I mean, she wants me to tell Xander about us.why would she run off after saying something like that?  She wouldn't.  Definitely.

I flop over onto my side and a flash of white catches my eye.  It's a note.  OK, I think my stomach just turned to ice.  It's a 'Dear John' letter, I know it.  Or is it 'Dear Jane' when it's a girl?  I'm not sure.  Oh yeah, Cordy, focus on insignificant details to block out the impending doom of the letter.  I reach over and snag the offending sheet of paper.  My hand is trembling and I have to take a deep breath before I turn it over to read the words.

'C,

Sorry about leaving so early.  I was gonna wake you up but you looked really cute so I let you sleep.  I got a lot of shit I need to think about so I'm just gonna take off for the day, get my head straight you know?  I'll be back later.

About last night, you don't have to tell Xander if you don't want to.  I guess I just wanted to see what you'd say if I asked you to.  Which is a shitty thing to do and I'm sorry.  But thank you for everything you did.  I never felt like that before, like I was worth a damn.  So thank you.

Love
Faith

PS  Good luck in the SATs.  I know you'll do great.'

Well, if I wasn't completely head-over-heels for her before, I definitely am now.  It's like she took a class in writing love-letters or something.  An apology for leaving, an explanation and a compliment on my cuteness all in the first couple of lines.  And the Xander thing was a test...which I can understand, with her being so down on herself and everything.  She just wanted to make sure I was serious.  And she remembered about the SAT scores coming out today and everything.

And the best part: she signed it 'Love Faith'.  'Love'.  She didn't have to put that.  She could've just signed her name.  But she wrote 'Love'.  I bring the note to my lips and press a kiss to her name.  I can feel the blood rushing to my face with embarrassment at my supreme corniness but I don't care.  Maybe my life doesn't suck quite as much as I thought.

*****

"I can't believe, you're the one for me
If it was this easy to find you
I should be ready for a fall."

The Trick is to Keep Breathing.

I'm thinking maybe I should start leaving some clothes at Faith's. There is nothing worse than wearing yesterday's clothes, even if it is only for the car journey to my house. There's just that horrible, unwashed, uncomfortable feeling that you can't quite shake. And I've spent the night at Faith's on a number of occasions already. If she dressed like a normal person I could probably borrow some of her stuff to go home in...but she doesn't. She can pull off the 'cheap skank' look. And I mean *really* pull it off. I, on the other hand, would not feel comfortable walking into my house wearing one of Faith's outfits. My mother would be hospitalised if she saw me in a non-designer ensemble. Plus, the pants would be too short for me. And possibly a little too tight...but I'd never say that to anyone else.

Not that there's anyone up to witness my fashion faux pas at this hour of the morning. Well, no-one important anyway - just delivery people and...oh God, the SATs. The scores should be arriving this morning. I'm not nervous. I'm not nervous. Definitely not nervous. OK, maybe just a little bit nervous. I really want to get out of this backwater and go somewhere exciting. Yeah, Sunnydale has its share of excitement. But I was thinking more along the lines of glitzy parties and formal mixers than of near-death experiences and the occasional threat of Armageddon . And we're not talking Ben Affleck in an astronaut suit here. Mmmm, Ben Affleck...no, must concentrate on driving.

Anyway, I know I'm not stupid. That's a closely guarded secret of course. But really, could some dumbass cheerleader bimbo find the time to get the kind of grades I get, look as good as I do, be as adept at verbal sparring as I am *and* fight evil on a nightly basis? I think not. Well, the 'nightly basis' was a slight exaggeration. But I do my share. Not so much lately for some reason. Who am I kidding? 'Some reason'. That would be two reasons: avoiding Xander and spending time with Faith. But I do still chip in when I can. And I clean up after evil-fighting, a lot, so that's still helping.

Last night was pretty intense though. I've never been big on emotional scenes, unless they're all about me. But I guess that's what being in love does for you. It compels you to stick with someone when things aren't at their rosiest. I could've walked away from Faith when she told me to. That would've been the easy thing to do. But then who knows what would have happened to her afterwards. She's one little package of hurt and anger. And that kinda scares me. But last night proved that she's willing to show me parts of herself that she doesn't usually let people see. Oh...suddenly having very lewd thoughts about Faith's parts...God, Cordy, perv much? Anyway, I know that last night didn't wave a magic wand and make everything all better. But she stayed with me and she's coming back to me. And that means something.

OK, I'm nearing home...and the little flag is up on the mailbox. So they're here then. Good, I don't think I could stand sitting around waiting for them. This is best. I pull into my space in the drive...I wonder if my parents even noticed that I didn't come home last night. Wishful thinking. A brisk walk to the mailbox to minimise the chance of the neighbours seeing me in my crumpled state, grab the mail and jog to the door.

Bill, invitation for Mother, my Visa bill...that one feels a bit thick, yikes...junk mail, bill, boring tax stuff for Daddy, bill...the SAT scores. Why is my hand shaking? I've done fine, I'm sure I have. Maybe not in the Willow category, but fine. 'Ms Cordelia Chase'. I always like the look of my name on envelopes; it's quite regal and official. But it also has that Hollywood ring about it that could mean I was meant for superstardom: 'Starring Cordelia Chase'. Yeah, that sounds good. My name's Shakespearean you know...she was the good one in King Lear. But I'm totally stalling here. Just open the damn envelope.

1390! Pretty good. Pretty damn good actually. Wow. I wasn't worried though...not really. I always do well on standardised tests. I knew I'd be fine. I can't wait to tell Faith! If only the girl had a cell phone. That's what I'm going to get her for her birthday. When is her birthday? How old is she? God, there's so much I don't know about her. I wonder if she's older than me. Are Slayers all called at the same age? I don't know how old that Kendra chick was...she acted about thirty so it was hard to tell. And with Faith, sometimes her eyes hold so much hurt that I have to think she's older. Then I see her reading a comic or watching some dumb TV show and she looks like a little kid. So I could go either way. I should really ask her when her birthday is.

Anyway, now that it's been confirmed that I'm very intelligent, I need to shower and get to school. Where I will need to break up with Xander. No, not at school. That's too public. I'll take him somewhere quiet tonight and talk to him. Still haven't decided if telling him about Faith is the way to go. I will spend my shower constructively thinking of possible dialogues.

*****

'Xander, I think we should break up' - too abrupt.

'Xander, I think you're really great...in your own way. But it's just never going to work out for us. We're too different.' - too vague.

'Xander, you know how I used to berate you for looking at girls' asses? Well, I've recently changed my way of thinking.' - no, no, no.

'Xander, I'm a lesbian, so I think we should break up.' - that would do it. But there's no way in hell I'm saying the 'L' word in public. I'm not ready for that yet.

'Xander, I'm in love with Faith.' - yeah right, I haven't even told her that yet, I can hardly go and say it to him.

'Xander.' - shit, I'm going to be late for school.

*****

I think this decision to break it off with Xander has made me feel better in a way. I really hate all this sneaking around and stuff, and I don't want to hurt him so deciding to tell him is like a load off my shoulders. So as I walk down the halls of Sunnydale High I almost feel relaxed: I have scores that should get me into any college I want to go to, I've got a fabulous, if slightly high-maintenance, girlfriend and I'm about to end the one thing that's been preying on my mind lately. I feel pretty good.

Oh there's Oz. Well, I suppose he can get to be the first to know of my brilliance.

"Hey Oz."

"Cordelia. How'd you do?"

I flash him a smile and hold up my letter. He raises an eyebrow. I think this means he's impressed. Both eyebrows mean sceptical...or is it one eyebrow means sceptical and two is impressed? I can't quite work Oz out.

"Congrats."

"Thank you."

It appears that this is as far as the conversation is going to go.

"Soooo, have you seen any of the others yet?"

"Nope, was gonna look for Willow now...wanna come with?"

Think of excuse, think of excuse.

"Sure, why not?"

Damn. This means walking around with Oz in silence. I hope we find them soon.

*****

There they are! At last, too long in Oz's company kind of freaks me out a bit. With the not talking, you've got to think he's thinking about stuff all the time, analysing. He could easily turn out to be a mass-murderer in later life. It's always the quiet ones. Anyway, Xander and Willow are sitting on a bench. From the look of it Willow didn't do as well as she expected. This should be fun.

"You guys get your scores?"

Xander springs to his feet like a Jack-in-the-box. What is with that guy at the moment? He rushes over to me.

"Cordelia! Willow was very sad by her academic failure."

Aha! I knew it...maybe I did better than Willow after all. Wouldn't that be a kicker? The cheerleader outdoes the school brain box.

"How did you do?"

He snags my letter out of my hand and unfolds it. He looks surprised. Gloating can start now.

"This is not good."

What?!?

"What's not good?"

He's going to make some smartass comment now. If he does I might just break up with him here and now. Oh God, it's a bit early to start with the sweet behaviour. Oz is petting Willow's hair. Barf.

"Well, I'm just worried it may hurt my standing as campus stud when people find out I'm dating a brain."

Hmm, well, that was kind of a compliment. But still, it was annoying. I yank my paper back out of his hand.

"Please. I have *some* experience in covering these things up."

In fact I'm quite the expert at covering up. I hid Xander for a while. I'm hiding Faith as we speak. And this morning I had to cover up a rather large hicky on my shoulder. And if I don't sort this out soon I'll be covering up stress zits right, left and centre.

"Well, I can see why you'd be upset."

Oz just made my day. Oh, can it be possible? Has Willow really done badly on her SATs? Looks like all that girlie-bonding time she and Buffy spend together has finally taken its toll on her school work. I knew that would happen. She looked hurt by Oz's comment though. And that almost never happens. Oz is, like, a sensitive, touchy feely guy. Not my type at all, but you can see why girls would go for him. He'd be very unlikely to cause friction in a relationship. Of course, that would be no use for me. I need friction and problems and trauma or it just wouldn't feel right. And then there's the other sort of friction. That's kind of nice too.

"That was my sarcastic voice."

Fuck. That means that she did great. Well, it was to be expected I suppose. And I don't grudge her whatever her score is. Not at all. Really.

"You know, it sounds a lot like your regular voice."

Today is going to be one of those days when all of Xander's lame attempts at humour will grate on my last nerve. Why is Oz still at school anyway? I know there was all this talk about him being 'the highest scoring student not to graduate' and stuff, but something tells me he used those computer skills of his to make sure he was around for another year with Willow. He's a bright guy. He was almost recruited by a mega-corporation and then he fails to graduate high school? Something's not right there. Maybe he just didn't want to get a job. He strikes me as one of those slacker musician types.

"I've been told that. But we should celebrate, do something."

Oh God. A double date? Me, Xander, Willow and Oz? No. Even at the best of times that's no fun. And now is not the best of times.

"Like, the four of us?"

I try to convey my lack of enthusiasm for this idea to Xander. You'd think that mouthing 'No' would be able to penetrate even that thick skull of his. But it would appear not.

"A double date! It could have potential."

Yes, it has the potential to be the worse night of my young life. Not only will I have to pretend that things are right as rain between me and Xander, I'll have to watch Willow and Oz hold hands and share little kisses all night. Ugh. Oh wait, here comes Buffy. Maybe that'll be enough distraction for Xander and Willow to forget all about this silly double date thing. Buffy doesn't look happy. I guess she didn't get the results she was expecting. That's what happens when you repeatedly play truant and forget to hand in homework. OK, so she has a better excuse for it than most high school students, but still, you can't excuse your way through the SATs. Hmmm, Willow's apparent academic failure seems to be quickly forgotten as WonderBuff appears. You'd think she wouldn't still be excited to see her every single time after three years of friendship would you. But she manages it.

"Buffy! Hey! Did you get your SAT scores?"

Buffy nods. It's not a good nod.

"By the look on your face, I'm guessing you and I are gonna be manning the drive-through window side by side."

Oh, I forgot to ask him what his scores were. Oh well, no need to make him feel even more inferior than he usually does in relation to me. I can just picture Buffy in a fast food restaurant outfit. Something in a nice orange would suit her complexion perfectly.

"They're just test scores, right?"

Yeah Buffy, you tell yourself that. She hands her paper to Willow.

"What do they really mean, anyway?"

They mean a one-way ticket out of this hellhole. That's what they mean. Willow looks kinda nervous as she unfolds Buffy's scores. She's probably just realised that her two best friends are imbeciles, it must be quite sad for her.

"1430! Buffy, you kicked ass!"

1430? I'm really hoping I managed not to gawp in amazement there. I'm also hoping that Willow read that wrong. If Buffy's scored higher than me I'm lodging a complaint. That's so not fair.

"Okay, so academic achievement gets me a little excited."

'A little excited'? She practically had an orgasm. Over Buffy's test scores. Sometimes I think that Willow wouldn't mind having an orgasm *with* Buffy. But then, that could be me projecting. Cuz, up until recently I'd never have pictured *myself* with another girl. So Willow and Buffy may just be scapegoats in my repressed little mind. But maybe not. Hey, if I can be one, anyone can. Buffy hands her scores to Xander.

"Buff, that's amazing."

As if they didn't have enough reason to worship her already. Now we need to add 'rocket scientist' her ever-growing list of attributes. Yawn. I have to see this for myself.

"Let me see that."

He doesn't seem all that interested anyway, he hadn't even unfolded it yet.

"Yeah. With scores like that, you can apply pretty much anywhere you want."

Hmph, I show him my scores and I get a 'congrats', Buffy turns up and Oz manages to form a whole sentence. I'm not liking these double standards.

"Buffy, this could, like, change your whole future."

Yeah, you can now juggle college life with slaying instead of school life. That's a nice change of pace.

"The thought had occurred to me."

"Then why the sour puss?"

Yeah, she doesn't seem exactly thrilled by the scores. She's probably waiting for the phone call saying they've mixed up her test with someone else's. That's the only way I can see her getting that score.

"I don't know. I guess... my future. I never really thought about it. I wasn't even sure I was going to have one."

Oh well, no point in being bitter. I better do the encouraging thing. I give her one of my biggest (and fakest) smiles.

"Well, I think this is great! Now you can leave and never come back!"

Why are they all looking at me like that? That's a good thing right? I know I for one am dying to get out of this place before I...well, die.

"Well, I mean that in a positive way. Get out of Sunnydale. That's a good thing. What kind of moron would ever wanna come back here?"

Nope, still looking at me strangely. I give up. I have to get some stuff from my locker anyway.

"Well, congratulations everybody."

See, I even got that out without choking on it. I'm growing so much as a person I sometimes scare myself. I turn away from their weird-ass expressions and head to my locker. Unfortunately Xander follows me, still yammering on about that double date thing. Maybe I could go to the girls' room and hope gets bored waiting.

*****

"C'mon. It'll be fun!"

Didn't work. He's still there. And still on this 'double date' crusade. I mean, you'd think he didn't want to be alone with me or something! Maybe it's one of those sixth sense things, you know, like dogs have. Maybe he knows deep down that I'm going to dump him the next time I get him by himself privately. Or maybe not.

"I don't know. I just thought we were gonna do something...you know, classy?"

Hmmm, where is it polite to break up with someone? A nice restaurant?

"What's classier than bowling?"

I raise my eyebrows at him. This is who I'm dating. Bowling. God, I shudder at the thought of it. Greasy fries, fat people in bowling shirts that maybe fitted then when they were in high school...and the shoes. The shoes don't even bear thinking about...I feel quite faint when I think about whose feet have been in them before mine. And I'm sorry, but that little squirt of disinfectant stuff ain't gonna cut it.

"Apart from everything ever? Let's see..."

Nope, drawing a blank.

"Oz and Willow are down. You're the swing vote."

'Oz and Willow are down'. Well duh, an evening's bowling is probably the most exciting thing they'll do all month. My lips are forming a protest when he suddenly decides to be all cute and puppy like. He skips around to the other side of me.

"I guarantee fun!"

He really is a nice guy. And I guess I owe him this much. I've treated him really badly for the past month or so, the least I can do is go bowling with him one last time. He's still looking all dopey and sweet and I can't help but laugh at his face. Then his attention is caught by something over my shoulder.

"Hey, those are from the pier."

I glance around and see what he's looking at. The pictures stuck inside my locker. Pictures of me and him. Happy, nice, normal high-school coupley pictures. I stuck them up there a while ago...during my time spent in the lovely state of denial. For a moment I look at them too. This is what I'm giving up. Normality. Going to the pier with my boyfriend. I'm giving up being what is considered typical high school behaviour. To be with Faith, who is anything but normal. Fleetingly I consider my choice. It quickly passes. I'd rather be abnormal and happy, than normal and knowing what I'm missing.

"Yeah. Uh...I just got them developed."

Well, that was a lie. They've been up there for a while, I've just been avoiding him and he hasn't seen them.

"There's pictures. Of me. In your locker. I never knew I was locker door material."

I close my locker and shut away the images of the past.

"Well... just barely. Besides, I look really cute in those pictures."

Hardly surprising, when I look good in all pictures. But, wish I'd taken the stupid things down now. I could've stuck pictures of Faith up there...he might've got the message then. But I don't actually have any pictures of Faith. Not one. Pity, I bet she's really photogenic. Oh no...here come cute and cuter...I guess the bowling thing just isn't going to go away.

"Hey. So what's the verdict? Do we bowl?"

Yep, I knew it. Thanks Oz. Xander looks at me with the puppy dog eyes again. Guilt makes a triumphant return as my overriding emotion and I give in.

"We bowl."

Willow gets all excited. I knew this was thrilling stuff to people like them. How sad and pathetic.

"Great! Double bowling date. I'm on Oz's team."

Hmph, what if I'd wanted to be on Oz's team? Xander can't bowl for shit. But I'm dumping him soon so I guess I can put up with losing this once. Of course, Xander's manly masculinity means that he has to make some sort of gesture. He points at Oz in a vaguely threatening sort of way.

"Yeah? Well, prepare to be crushed."

Then he remembers that he sucks and grabs me by the arm.

"Maybe we should practice."

"Yeah."

Yeah, maybe we should practice. Or maybe I should've just got this over with and prevented all of us having to go through the hell of a bowling double date. I wonder what Faith's up to.

*****

Having made myself appropriately gorgeous, or, you know, as glam as you *can* be when you're going bowling, I make my way to the science room to meet Xander. I did consider dressing down...so as not to rub his nose in it. But then I thought, no, best to give the guy a nice memory. He has to have something to tell people when he's old and in 'Shady Pines' that isn't to do with vampires or demons. So, it'll be nice for him to talk about his glory days when he dated the most eligible girl in school.

The science room, a sexy meeting place if ever I heard one. Why we couldn't just meet at the bowling alley like normal people I don't know. Willow's probably doing something for extra credit in science. Or maybe she felt bad that we hadn't invited Buffy along on our date and is getting in as much quality time with her as possible before her whole evening spent out of her company. I wonder why their friendship irks me so much. I don't suppose I've ever really had a real friend in the way that Buffy and Willow are friends. Harmony doesn't count. So it's probably jealousy. Well, at least I can admit it. Not out loud. Ever. But admitting it to myself is still quite impressive.

I reach the hub of activity that is the science room and find it empty. And kind of...wrecked. There's broken glass and spilled things everywhere. I step gingerly into the room to get a bett...FUCKING HELL!!

I think I possibly just swallowed my tongue. I put my hand over my heart to make sure that it's started beating again after standing still for at least thirty seconds.

Oz just popped up from behind the bench. I wish he wasn't so short. He's very easy to lose in a crowd. And it's easy for him to be obscured by furniture and give people heart-attacks. He holds up some sort of herby thing.

"I think Willow was here."

I glance around at the debris and then back at Oz with my eyebrows raised.

"Doing what? Practising her best rock group impression?"

He looks at me seriously.

"We should find Buffy."

His voice really scares me. Because he sounds frightened and I don't think I've ever seen Oz frightened. He thinks something happened to them. Oh God.

"Right...Buffy...well, she has no life so she'll probably be in the library."

He nods quickly and heads out of the room and towards the library. I follow on behind him, praying that something bad hasn't happened to Xander. Or Willow, of course. Either of them. We reach the library and thank God I know how pathetic Buffy's life is. She's jumping rope. Which is a pretty wussy thing for a Slayer to get up to. Faith would never do that. Then again...it might be fun to watch her jumping up and down and up and . Focus, Cordy.

"Thank God you *are* here."

She drops the ropes quickly. Obviously embarrassed to be caught in her 'recess' moment. She comes towards us eagerly. Maybe she thinks we're going to invite her to bowl with us.

"Yeah! Not all of us have dates tonight."

Oh, and that wasn't a hint or anything. Oz cuts her off before she can give us a sob story about how she can't get it on with her dead boyfriend.

"Something's up."

Without question Buffy comes with us to the science room. Oz gives her a quick rundown on the situation but I barely hear what he's saying. I can't believe it. I finally decide to get my life in order and this has to happen. My soon-to-be-ex-boyfriend gets kidnapped and I'm left here worrying my ass off. We finally make it back to the lab.

"We were supposed to meet in here. I don't know what could have happened."

Buffy heads over to the bench with all the funny coloured liquids and things on it.

"What is all this stuff? I'm thinking weird science."

Or just plain weird. As in, supernatural. Willow and her goddamned magic! That's who did this.

"Was Willow messing with her magic tricks again? Maybe they disappeared. Maybe she turned Xander into something ishy!"

Like that time with the fish-men. I'll never forget that. When I thought Xander had turned into one of those teenage-mutant-ninja-fish thingies I thought my heart was going to break. I really did love him. Then. Especially in those Speedos. And even now, I'd never wish that on him. He hasn't done anything wrong here. I'm the bad one. I should be the one being turned into...wait, no...maybe not turned into anything. But still, he doesn't deserve it either.

"Whatever happened, there was obviously a fight."

Sherlock Holmes, reincarnated before our very eyes. I would never have figured that out from this scene of total devastation. Way to go, Buffy. The Slayer saves the day again.

"I don't see any blood."

Thank God. Buffy continues to enlighten us with her brilliant deductions.

"Yeah, either they were taken, or they ran, or maybe..."

God, make up your mind, Buffy. We could have come up with a bunch of stuff that *might* have happened, we need to know what *did* happen.

"You're having too many ors! Pick one!"

I use my authoritative voice and point at her for good measure. It works, she stops babbling.

"I don't know. I need you guys to find Giles, okay? I'm gonna look for them. Maybe they didn't get too far."

Oh yeah, Giles. Isn't in the library. I thought he, like, lived here. The one time he would actually come in handy and the guy has to go and find a social life. Just fabulous.

"Where is Giles?"

"Uh, he's at a retreat in the clearing in Breaker's Woods."

Uh...where? Luckily Oz seems to be familiar with this mysterious 'clearing'.maybe Willow's had him up there chanting or ritual sacrificing or something.

"Yeah, I know the spot, but it's like a forty-five minute drive."

Forty-five minutes!!! God, there's no telling what could happen to them in forty-five minutes!!!

"So motor!"

And for once I have to agree with Buffy's plan. So we motor.

*****

We've been in this funky smelling van for five minutes now and that's been enough for me to come up with quite a number of scenarios. Oz hasn't said anything which is making me worse. If he was talking to me all of these scary, terrifying thoughts wouldn't keep coming into my head. I can't stand this silence any longer.

"What if they were kidnapped by Colombian drug lords? They could be cutting off Xander's ear right now! Or other parts."

Ewww. And that was one of the tamer ones. Ok...why are we slowing down? Why have we stopped? Has he forgotten that we're on a mission here?

"Hello?"

He ignores my succinct enquiry. And now he's sniffing the air. In a really creepy way. God could this night get any worse?

"It's Willow. She's nearby."

And he can tell this by sniffing the air?

"What? You can smell her? She doesn't even wear perfume."

Despite this she always manages to smell nice. In a, well, a Willowy way I guess. Not that I go around smelling her or anything. God.

"She's afraid."

He puts the van into reverse and we back up a little. Oh, don't they say that dogs can smell fear?

"Oh, my God. Is this some sort of residual werewolf thing? This is very disturbing."

He looks at me for a moment and I'm praying that the sniffing thing is the only residue of his time as a werewolf. What if he, like, wolfs out and attacks me? To my relief he replies.

"I really agree."

Good, at least we're agreed. I edge away from him slightly though. This sniffing thing...does that mean he can smell Faith off of me? Or maybe he has recently. There was that time I came to school without showering after.

*****

The scent must be getting stronger now, cuz he's driving faster. I'm kinda relieved that he can smell Willow. After all, you can't be afraid and dead at the same time, right? So she's alive at least. And if she's alive then Xander's probably alive with her. So that's reassuring.

Oh, wait...I know this place. This is that old factory that Spike and his Fruit-Loop were holed up in last year for a while. Before Angel went and upgraded them to that mansion. I thought this place burned down. Oz stops the van and holds his nose high in the air.

"She's inside."

Thank God. We hurriedly get out of the van and enter the big, scary abandoned factory. It's dark. Hopefully Oz has enhanced dog sight as well. Or...do dogs have worse sight than humans? How should I know? Anyway, he's in the lead so I hang onto the back of his shirt and hope he can follow Willow's scent to her. Quickly.

Finally we arrive at a door.

"In here."

Oz fiddles around with what I assume is some sort of lock. Whatever it is he manages to open it and we head down the rickety stairs.

I see them! They're alive. They're...kissing. They're kissing each other. Kissing. They don't even know we're here.

"Oh, God!"

As soon as the words leave my mouth Willow rolls off Xander and they both turn to look at us. I feel sick. Literally sick to my stomach. I can't breathe. I don't even know what I'm feeling. They both look shocked, and guilty. I can't stand it. They speak.

"Oh, God."

"Oh, God, Oz..."

Their voices just made it real. It really is them, lying on a bed, wrapped around each other, kissing. Another wave of nausea sweeps over me and I have to cover my mouth. Oz speaks to them, his voice straining.

"We have to get outta here."

I have to get out of here. I can't stand here a second longer looking at them like that, together like that. I turn around and run back up the stairs. I can't even see where I'm going because of the tears but I just know I can't stay there.

Then my world collapses. I put my foot down on a stair and it doesn't support me. It's like those half-dreams you have about falling...there's just nothing there.

And then there's something there. Something hard. Something sharp. Pain rips right through my body and then it's gone. Things continue to fall down on me. It feels a bit like snow. Soft like snow. And cold. I'm cold.

"Cordelia!"

My name. Someone's calling my name.

"Cordelia!"

It's coming from up...up somewhere. I look up and see...angels? Somebody. Somebody up there. I need to tell them.

"I fell..."

My voice sounds funny. Like it's coming from far away. Like the voices talking above me. Noise coming from above me. I'm really cold and it hurts...it hurts.

"Cordy... Please hold on."

Someone's near. Touching me.

"Xander? I can't see you..."

It's dark. And cold. It hurts.

Faith.

Black.

END.