Breathing

Title: Breathing

Author: Aeryn Sun

Email: willowrose_98@yahoo.com

Feedback: Yes, please.

Archiving: Ask, and ye shall receive. Just ask first.

Rating: R/ Violence and graphic imagery.

Spoilers: PROMlems.

Summary: Brooke contemplates the meaning of time.

Couple: S/B, I guess.

Warning: If the idea of two women involved in a romantic relationship together disturbs you, run, run far far away and never look back. If it's illegal where you live, move quickly. Too young? Age quicker, it's fun here. Other than that, enter at your own risk, and enjoy.

Author's Notes: I was feeling morose, so well, sorry.

I love her hands. They're so soft and yet deceptively strong. And warm. Her fingers are long and sculpted and she has little calluses on the pads of some of them. I've been meaning to ask her why but I haven't gotten around to it yet. I haven't had the time. Other things keep getting in the way. I suppose it's from all the writing and typing she does, but they don't bother me. All I care about is the fact that they're warm. And hers.

I felt her grab a hold of my hand for a brief second as I ran from the building. That warm, soft reassurance as she tried to reach me through my unexplainable panic. But I turned away from her, ran into the street. I can't believe that five minutes ago my life was so different. Five minutes ago I was sitting in that building waiting for Harrison to tell us his decision. At that time, she was sitting next to me, just as anxious as I was. Although I doubt for the same reasons.

I knew no matter which one of us he chose, it was going to hurt. If he picked me, than Sam would be hurt. She hates losing to me in anything and this would just justify to her all of her notions that she will always be second best to me. That is so untrue. I didn't want to see her hurt that way, especially if she actually cared for Harrison. And if he had picked her, I would have been destroyed. So I guess, there was going to be no winner in our little game this time.

But that was five long minutes ago. Five minutes ago I stood up and ran away as Harrison was about to give his answer. I never heard his words. I couldn't bare them. I panicked and fled. I thought maybe I could just step away and figure it out later. I didn't know that 'later' was a luxury. How was I to know?

She followed me out, ever concerned for me. Oh Sammy, why can't you see how I feel? Just give me a few minutes to tell you. In that time I could tell you how you are the center of my universe. I love you so much it scares me and I want to run away because I don't know what to do or what's happening to me. I want to kiss you until we're both dizzy and hold you so close that I can't tell where I end and you start. I want to breathe you, have you in my blood, Sammy. I think I'm in danger of becoming obsessed, I love you that much. I wish I could tell you, if we had the time.

But we don't. In less than five minutes our time has been taken. I love your warm hands, Sammy, but right now, I'm afraid that they're getting cold as I hold you tightly in my arms. You shouldn't have followed me out. I should have waited five more minutes and then Nicole wouldn't have been driving past the building and, oh God. This can't be happening.

I didn't see the car. I was still thinking about how much I loved you and how you'd held my hand as I'd tried to run. My palm tingled where you'd touched it. I wanted to run back into your arms and hold on as tight as I could but I didn't. The lights of the car startled me and then I heard you scream. I never saw you heading towards me. All I could see was the horrid image of the car getting closer, almost in slow motion. And then you were there and I was on the ground a few feet away. But there wasn't time for you, Sam, and you knew it.

You looked at me with such concern and maybe if I'm not imagining it, love, and then back at the car as it hit you. You looked straight at Nicole as she slammed on the brakes and you careened into the windshield. I've never seen anything as horrific. Oh, Sammy, I heard your bones break and your cry of agony as you were hit. You were so brave and yet so scared. Those were the longest moments of my life as I waited for you to fall to the ground so that I could help you. But now, as I hold you, I don't know if you have enough time for me to do any good.

(I'm finding my way back to sanity again
Though I don't really know what
I am gonna do when I get there)

"Oh sweet Sammy," I sob as I hold you closer to me. You're shaking in my arms and little whimpers are coming from somewhere deep inside you. I doubt you know that you're even making them. There's blood everywhere; your blood and I wonder how you're still holding on. Oh please, hold on.

(Take a breath and hold on tight
Spin around one more time
And gracefully fall back in the arms of grace)

"Brooke," comes out of you as a hushed whisper, barely the gentlest breeze against my cheek. Your eyes flutter open and are unfocused but you try your hardest to look at me. Damn you, you smile.

"Hang on, Sammy, help is on the way," I am frantic and I know it. I know that the paramedics are on the way and will be here in only scant minutes but I'm afraid that'll be too long. Don't leave me, Sam. Not like this.

(I am hanging on every word you say
And even if you don't want to speak tonight
That's alright with me
'Cause I want nothing more than to sit
Outside Heaven's door and listen to you breathing
Is where I want to be)

"S'ok," you choke out as a cough racks your frame. You start to shake harder as the blood flows away faster. I can almost hear time slipping away and I swallow my sob at the hopelessness I feel.

"Just a few more minutes, Sam. Hang on just a little longer," I beg. You stare at me with those deep eyes of yours, so filled with pain right now but still beautiful. They almost seem to twinkle at me and I wonder what you must be thinking, feeling besides the pain right now. Do you regret what you've done, Sammy? I know I do.

(I am looking past the shadows
Of my mind into the truth and
I'm trying to identify
The voices in my head
God, which one's you
Let me feel one more time
What it feels like to feel
And break these calluses off me
One more time)

"I'll try," you gasp. "For a few more minutes," is the best you can promise and I cling to it.

I watch as your eyes drift shut, hiding the light inside of you from me and I panic again. I hold you tighter to me and feel you squeeze me back. I know you're still there, still here with me, but you're slipping away from me, Sammy. Just a little longer, please. I love you too much to let go of you now.

(I don't want a thing from you
Bet you're tired of me waiting
For the straps to fall
Off your table to the ground
I just want to be here now)

"I love you, my Sammy," I confess, afraid that if I wait any longer it'll be too late. Time is a cruel thing. When you think you have all the time in the world, it slips through your fingers the fastest. Like you, Sam. I'm holding on so tight, but I can feel you fading away. Slipping through my fingers like water and I can't stop it.

"I know," you tell me lovingly and my breath catches in my throat. You know! All this time and you knew. "I love you too, Bro..." you don't finish the sentence as the darkness claims you. But I heard it nonetheless. And I can still feel your shallow breathing against my skin. That's it, Sam, just a few more minutes.

Don't leave me, now, Sammy. Just a few more minutes. Just keep breathing and I'll be right here. Stay, please.

The End