Title: Super'tard

Author: Snarlsnout

Email: Snarlsnout@yahoo.com

Pairings: No Way! 'Snout does a S/B fic?!? Well, Nicole doesn't come out too bad in all this...

Ratings: R (maybe?) Sex, Drugs, Violence and Rock & Roll

Summary: The April AU continues to expand; until the red headed megalomaniac meets our girl Nicole, who puts her down like a mad dog...

Spoilers: S1 & 2 Popular/S4 Buffy/Apocalypse Now...

A/N: Warning/apologies to any vegan readers. Dinner is served in this chapter; Ethics 101 is not...

Part One

Stone Cold (the hunky guy the girls fought/purged over in that S1 ep.) answered the door to the palatial country estate clad only in a glittery gold G-string number w/ a little bow-tie & collar trim.

"Hey Stone Cold," Brooke ogled, "is April around?"

Sam wasn't sure what was making her more uncomfortable, SC's Chippendale get-up, or the fact that Brooke was obviously appreciating it...

"Yes ma'am. She's on the veranda w/ the other guests. This way please..."

Sam got even more uncomfortable when she glimpsed the back of his "uniform"...

They followed him thru room after ornate room, in the west wing of the palatial country estate until they came to a solid wall of French windows opening on to a massive wooden deck over-looking the grounds. They passed the huge antique brick Bar-B-Q grill and descended the matching steps leading to the Olympic-sized pool. Secluded by neatly trimmed vegetation on one side of the flagstone path was a hot-tub 12 feet in diameter. Basking amidst the steam and bubbles were April, Lily & Josh.

"Ladies," April acknowledged, "Glad you could join us...Please, join us."

Brooke and Sam giggled and eagerly stripped as April tilted her head in one of her patented crazed bird leers.

"God, the water's great" Sam squealed, "but I thought Carmen was coming too..."

"Maybe, but she'd better not before me!" April quipped in a tasteless Austin Powers impersonation. Suddenly, as if hearing her name, Carmen's head bobbed thru the surface of the water gasping for breath. April snarled and pushed her back down, the last audible sound a groan obscured by bubbles...

April clapped her hands twice and Stone Cold and a similarly clad George appear with trays of beverages--her fave Fruitopia on ice w/ straight grain alcohol--She notices Sam giving her a questioning glance and explains--

"Oh, I just keep them around for entertainment purposes--speaking of entertainment..." She hooks her head a couple of times in Brooke's direction. Sam bites her lower lip and looks over sheepishly at Brooke, whose smile widens as she nods her enthusiastic approval. The two meet in a slow, sensuous kiss, slowly submerging completely, then resurfacing in the waist-deep water to display their firm, glistening wet bodies and continue the show. Josh and Lily get a little too excited and begin a display of their own, until April chastises them--"Not yet kiddies, you're the 2nd feature!"

"And for the main event..." April claps three times and Mary Cherry & her long-lost twin sister B-Ho appear in the pre-requisite glittery, gold G-strings...

They all kick back to enjoy the live eroticism when Carm breaks the surface again gasping for breath. April shoves her back down, then grabs a pocket recorder from the drink tray--"Note to self: get Ferrara a snorkel!"


Insert blurb here about our girl Nicole returning to town, possibly from extended shopping trip for the latest spring fashions; possibly from re-hab...


Switch to brief scene in the McQueen palace, Sam & Brooke involved in some school project requiring construction paper, scissors, glue etc.

"Oh that's a cute one" Brooke gushes as Sam pastes another picture of April to another Class President campaign poster.

"As cute as Stone Cold or George?" Sam asks nervously to a totally oblivious Brooke. ("God, McPherson, way tactful" Sam chastised herself mentally. Never the most secure personality, lately she'd been having serious doubts about Brooke's commitment to their budding relationship. Was she just a fluke, a temporary distraction? F**k it, was Brooke straight? Was she just using her out of curiosity...or boredom?)

"Jeez, it's after 11:00! You've got that big campaign meeting tomorrow before school. I can't believe they expected me to run against her, I mean, I know it's just like to balance the ticket or something...who in their right mind thinks they would have a chance of beating her..."

"Your other old...friend...Harrison's running--oh wait, you said in their right mind. Um, Brooke I was wondering...um, I..." ("Ask her, damn it!" Sam kicked herself again. Maybe she didn't want to know...)

--"Hey Sammy, are these markers mine or yours?"--

"...I...They are...you know..."


"...yours..." (Sigh...)


Insert brief scene of "April for Pres." campaign meeting w/ Mary Cherry, Popita and Sam getting all flustered that our girl Nicole might attempt to sabotage the election. Fortunately April arrives in time to smooth everyone's ruffled feathers. Relieved to see the flamboyant, personable redhead take charge, Lily quips "Alright! It's about time we brought out the big guns!"


Brooke unexpectedly bumps into our girl Nicole in the Novak (hey, what are the odds?)

"Brookie! Thank God! What the hell is going on around here?! I leave for a week and the place turns into Geek Central! I swear VP Krupps just asked me what routines we were doing at the Chess Finals!"

"He's probably referring to the new choreography April's been working on," Brooke began nervously, "You might want to have a little talk w/ her about...our...new direction."

"Um, OK. Why would Commander Firepie have any input--" but realization dawns quickly for our girl Nicole (the brightest Crayon in the box!) "--now that's just seriously f**ked up!"

"Nic, I tried--" Brooke floundered helplessly as Nicole phased out for approximately 2.3 seconds; all the time she needed to form her strategic master-plan...then turning her attention back to her friend, and Brooke was after all still that...

"Um, B? You know what else is seriously f**ked up?" Nic began, bringing Brooke back to attention. "You and Spam McFearsome..."

Tender spot! Brooke barely hesitated before collapsing against Nicole in a major sob-fest. "Oh God, Nic--I...I know what she wants to hear...But how can I convince her, when I'm still so unsure myself...?"

"Cut to the chase Brookie, we're talking about a label here--Gay? Bi? Het?--Sam works w/ words all day long; she knows how they can be misconstrued. You've got to convince her on an emotional level, it'll seep thru her thick head eventually. We're athletes Brooke, on some level you'll always appreciate a well-toned bod--male or female--just because you know the effort involved to maintain the physique We've been in this whole jock culture thing since jr. high. It's still OK to look--you're involved; not dead!--just show her out of everything available to you, you choose her..."

"You're right..." Brooke sniffled; feeling better "Hey Nic, thanks for listening to me--I normally dump all this stuff on April..."

Nicole winced; then shuddered...


Insert quick blurb of Carmen stalking the palatial country estate--"If anyone one catches me I'll just say I forgot my glittery, gold G-string--yea, good one!" Just then she noticed something large & white skulking along the adjacent hedge...


Switch to the Kennedy High Gym where VP Krupps introduces the candidates one by one for their initial speeches. Harrison picks up some mild applause from the Stoner crowd w/ his "no mandatory drug testing" platform; Brooke bombs deplorably by taking the opposite stance w/ her "let's do it for Wendall" spiel--you could hear a pin drop.

"We have one more candidate--" Krupps started, but was completely drowned out by the wild cheers & standing ovation.

"Jeez," April thought, "I could go out there babbling about the frickin' Mothership and this crowd would lap it up!"

She waved; the crowd went crazy. Even a lame old joke like "this one time at band camp..." drew a rousing cheer as she held up her alto sax...

"Oh My God!" Lily squealed excitedly. "She going to do something off her new album!"

I'm sure it'd take a highly disciplined eye and ear to differentiate between April's sultry, sexy torch-song and that of say Jessica Rabbit, but when she launched into a smouldering sax solo, there was no comparison. She was whipping the adolescent hormones of her fellow students into a frenzy. Her classmates attempting -*implied sexual contact*- in every conceivable combination when suddenly the "pied-piper of perversity" stopped in mid-honk. The entire student body turning en masse as a battered and shaken Carmen runs in screaming--She's just been attacked by a hideous monstrosity on the palatial country estate. April looks a tad nervous...


Our girl Nicole was the first to notice something peculiar was happening--for one thing, she was straddling Emory Dick... While the other students try to compose themselves (or finish what they started) Nic scopes out Audio/Visual Club Pres. Freddy Gong checking his cam-corder for damage. She immediately whisks them both away to the A/V lab where she hovers over him impatiently as he nervously sets the tape for playback...


"These are all hideous lies; none of this is real" Nicole states, engrossed in the imagery. "It's intriguing; but it's still...wrong." Freddy starts to object but is stifled by--

"You are under the spell just like the rest of them, petunia."

Freddy, in a snit, musters a little courage "Well, what makes you so immune; so superior then? Just because you were out of town when this so-called spell transpired?"

"Puh-leeze" Nic smirked, "I am the only one who knows what really goes on around here...mostly because I make it happen! This bottom-feeder is attempting to pilfer my glory! She's trying to usurp my birthright!"

Freddy, pushing the flirting w/ disaster envelope, mocks Nic w/ a challenge to "...just call her on it then."

"I don't have to do anything Begonia-boy. These magics are corrosive; unstable and will eventually lead to chaos," and arching one of her perfect brows, "And I am interested in chaos."


Part Two

Pssst...Clandestine meeting at Josh & Lily's--pass it on...

Our girl Nicole arrives (fashionably late) to find the inner core players (Carm, Mary Cherry, Josh, Brooke) glued to the tube.

"God, I'm so loving this whole 'Pop Stars' saga" Carm gushed "it's even better the 4th time around."

"Oh my god," Brooke squealed, "Is this the one where Yvette breaks a nail, right before the big rehearsal?!"

Lily steers Nicole over to the garage sale '70's dinette set. "Hey now" Nic mentally scans, "New girl; cute, perky, gotta love those redheads..."

"Nic, this is Willow. She's an activist friend of mine from U. C. Sunnydale--and a practicing Wiccan--I thought since you started w/ this whole supernatural thing, she could help...she's seen some pretty freaky stuff, herself..."

"Gawd bless that Mish-e-gun J. Frawg!" MC bellowed.

"Cue freaky..." Nic muttered, Lily & Willow giggling.

Nic was thinking "Whoa, killer smile" as she and the shy redhead locked gazes for a second...

"C'mon guys," Lily scolding the others, "you know that'll be on again tomorrow...and Sunday..."

They all reluctantly turned and formed a rough circle.

"Hey where's April?" Josh wondered, "She's always here every time we do...anything" he trailed off, as he and Lily exchanged an embarrassed glance.

"Actually guys, " Nic started, "she's the reason I called you all here. Have you noticed anything peculiar about her--I mean, other than the obvious..."

They all shook their heads vaguely, uncomfortably anticipating further blasphemies...

"You don't find it odd," Nic continued, "that she's directing the "Lord of the Rings" but never leaves town? That she's graduated med school at 16 and is an accomplished and highly-respected brain surgeon?"

"Well, if Snoop Doggy Howzer can..." MC stumbled.

"Nic? What are you saying?" Brooke asked; confused.

"I'm not sure. It's like the world has been changed somehow; like everything's not quite right. I--help me out here Red."

"W-w-well, this one time, in Sunnydale..."

Just then the door burst open, Sam stumbling in shaken and bruised. Brooke running immediately to her side to comfort and protect her; a sight not unnoticed by our girl Nicole.

"My God, Sammy! What happened?!"

"I...I was attacked! By a...monstrosity!"

"OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG!" Carmen started; hyper, agitated "The same thing that happened to me!"

"Large. White. Hideous." Sam managed.

"Large. White. Hideous." Carm was nodding vigorously, reliving her trauma.

"At the palatial country estate," Sam whimpered as she clung to Brooke for support.

"Palatial country estate! Yes! Yes! Yes!" Carmen was ranting hysterically now. Nicole had no choice (really) but to slap her. She was prepared to administer the same treatment to Sam until she saw her curled up helplessly in Brooke's arms...so she slapped Carmen again instead.


As Willow tried to explain a very complicated theory of alternate universes to a less than enthusiastic crowd Nic followed Sam and Brooke into the cramped kitchenette area of the Ford-Esposito palatial basement apartment.

Brooke made up an ice pack for a nasty bump on Sam's forehead and sat her down at the counter. She gave the brunette a gentle kiss and hug, then rubbed her back and shoulders, cooing reassurances. Nic needed an insulin fix.

Finally Brooke stepped aside to Nic--

"This other world you keep talking about?...are Sam and I together in it?"

Nicole (shoots the author a dirty look, and) mutters-

"You, um, you have some issues, but yea, it's all there for you B."

"Well, then show me how to fix this."

They return to palatial dinette area as Carmen is describing her attacker.

"Oh my God," Nic realizes, "Large, white. That's a Lab coat. That's Bobbi Glass!"

"Lab coat?...Lab coat? Why does that sound familiar?" Lily pondered. Josh blushed, then retrieved a well-worn copy of Playboy's "Girls of Kennedy High" issue from behind a '70s garage sale couch cushion. He unfolded the centerfold on the dinette table--April flashing the camera, clad in only a lab coat and glittery gold G-string.

Nic gagged. Everyone else seemed lost in...thought, until Mary Cherry broke their concentration--

"What kind of a nerdaholic fashion victim owns their own lab coat?"

Willow shyly raises her hand until she realizes it was a rhetorical question...again, not lost on Nicole, who contemplates the centerfold w/ a renewed interest.

"And what, pray tell, is a Bobbi Glass?" MC finishes.


"That's it! An augmentation spell!" Willow squeals, as she frantically taps her laptop keyboard. "April's done an augmentation spell!"

The group stares at her dumbfounded; confused (well except for our girl Nicole, who's staring at her w/ an obvious delight in the redhead's bubbly enthusiasm; wonder what else she gets that excited about?!)

"I knew this sounded familiar," Willow stated (as the author looks around nervously). "I just hacked into April's e-mail. It seems she has a cousin in Sunnydale, one Jonathon Levinson, who's no stranger to augmentation spells I can assure you! He must've sent her that spell he got from that rogue mage in his therapy group!"

Willow attempts a revised explanation of her complicated alternate universe theory; which involves a long dissertation about how in order to have one entity become positive perfection (April), you had to have the corresponding half of all things negative & warped (Bobbi Glass). This author joins the Kennedy High kids in dumbfounded incomprehension, best just move along...

"The lab coat must be the key," Nicole reasoned, "each half has one; holding this reality in precarious balance..." (OK, she really didn't say that, I just attributed it to her because when I came back and read this part it seemed a tad lacking in the cohesive & coherent departments...)

Of course MC gets the best line--

"So, you could theoretically wish for some freaky world where April Tuna's some kind of non-perfect mouth-breather? Well, just don't ask me to live there!"

"Oh my God, look at the time!" a sufficiently calmed Carmen quipped. "We'll be late for April's weekly party/rave/orgy!"

Everyone except Nic and Willow began frantically running around, totally unorganized, until they'd all finally located their glittery gold G-strings...then off to the festivities....

"Um, did they not hear a single word of what we were just talking about?!?" Nic asked frustrated.

"Apparently the spell has too great of a control over them..."

"We'll see about that..."


Several hundred of Kennedy High's finest were gathered on the grounds of the palatial country estate, as they've done every weekend for as long as they could remember. It was hard to distinguish the guests from the underclassmen servants, since everyone was dressed the same at April's insistence. She, of course, was in her finest toga w/ the fanciest of her gold laurel wreath tiaras. She mingled among her people yet remained aloof as they all cowered to her every whim, wish and desire...

Emory Dick had been working most of the week in the abandoned and forgotten Chem lab on a "special ingredient" for tonight's Fruitopia. The crowd was feeling the effect as he controlled their mood/trance/trip by the intensity of the music he was playing as official DJ.

Sugar Daddy, resplendent in his chef's hat and glittery gold G-string, was supervising the huge roast pig turning on a spit in the extravagant brick Bar-B-Q.

All in all, they were a perfect presentation of debauchery and excess at it's most extreme, with April lording (ladying?) over it all like Caligula...Finally feeling a bit faint she retreated to her palatial bedroom suite where she could observe her guests from the upper balcony...

Emory had calculated the effects of his little chemistry experiment w/ amazing accuracy with the crowd experiencing it's optimum effect shortly after midnight. He proceeded w/ his little plan to "enhance" their enjoyment. He brought both the techno dance music and every light on the palatial country estate down to a level beyond human perception. On this cue, servants around the deck, pool area and grounds lit thousands of tiny red Japanese lanterns. The crowd oohing and ahhing it's appreciation. Always suspect in his musical tastes he then put on a slow 18-minute dirge by the Doors at several decibels above ear-shattering.

Sugar Daddy was livid. He had timed the entire meal so that every course was done on schedule. The roast pig was at it's savoriest and he refused to be controlled by Emory's shenanigans. Clapping twice Mary Cherry and her long-lost twin sister B-Ho arrived (resplendent in their glittery gold G-strings...). Each grabbed an end of the spit and proceeded to carry the delicacy to banquet table.


Two girls bumped into each other in the almost total darkness. The pressing crowd and the oppressing music making it hard to hear...

"Brooke?" Sam screamed.

"Sammy, we need to talk. C'mon" 'The blonde leading the naked' brunette out amongst the lavishly maintained hedge/maze/garden arrangement no self-respecting palatial country estate should be w/o. Something large, white and hideous stealthily following them...


Another girl moved in the darkness. At the far end of the Olympic-sized pool, something broke the black-glass surface. Nicole slowly emerging as she crossed to the shallow end. Clad only in Camo paint and a huge machete and sheath over one shoulder. Eyes well adjusted to the darkness, she spotted her target on the upper balcony...


The deck leading to the banquet table was packed to many times it's capacity by frightened, hallucinating revellers as Sugar Daddy and his entourage attempted to plow their way thru. Finally in frustration he draws one his massive Gin-su carving knives and threatens to clear a path...


Two angels sat on a bench by their stone counterparts discussing their future as a large, white hideous monstrosity drew a huge sythe-like dagger and attempted to ensure said future never transpires...


Nicole breached the balcony railing, watching thru the open French windows as April moved about the palatial bedroom suite, opening a huge walk-in closet. Nicole drew her machete...


And as the primal, sinister pulse of the music quickens:


"Aiyeeeeee" Sugar Daddy screams as the glinting meat cleaver ends it's full arc swing at the base of the roast pig's skull...


"Aiyeeeeee" A large, white hideous monstrosity screeches as it trips over a cement frog in the garden/hedge path and sails ass over elbows past two horrified (but tastefully attired) girls...


"Aiyeeeeee" Nicole war-whoops, knocking April on her ass and proceeding to hack the lab coat hanging in the closet to shreds...


The dazed crowd senses only: red lights swirling, blades slicing thru pork; blades slicing thru thin air; blades slicing thru polyester...Jim Morrison lets out a final blood-curdling yell and...the music's over (yeah...).


This author being at a loss for words here (finally!) asks that wacky Wiccan to explain the shift as one reality is replaced by another, but all she can contribute is-- "well, we just did the blurry thing, you know, with the camera...?" She says this w/ like the sweetest, goofiest smile that makes my knees go all jell-o-ey; so I just nod, grin back, drool a little...and we continue...


The following day, Willow joins the Kennedy High crowd for an impromptu picnic. Mary Cherry smirks at her pink, fuzzy sweater w/ the yellow flowers and smiley faces until Brooke gives her "the look".

"So Red, heading back to Riverdale so soon?" Nic ventures.

"Sunnydale," Willow corrects, "why, is our work not done?"

"Naw, it's just," (Nic stammering?) "I thought maybe you could teach me a little more about, you know, your lifestyle."

"Oh. Are you interested in the Black Arts, Nicole?"

"Please, the last thing I need is more power..." Nicole smirks; everyone else solemnly nodding their agreement.

"Oh...OH!," Willow elaborates to let her know she's caught on, and then to indicate her interest is piqued, "I was thinking about hanging around a little while, you know, see if there's any fallout. There's always fallout--and aftermath!"

"Well then, it's settled," Nic declared, "the first thing we'll have to do is get you out of that sweater."

"Aren't you the sweet-talker," Willow razzed, "I was warned about all you big city girls..."

"Not ~that~," then acquiescing, Nic continued "well OK that too...But Red, I gotta tell you (leaning in closer) that thing is just butt-ugly."

The End

(May JW & the Fox lawyers have mercy on my soul...)

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