TITLE: Typical Mission
AUTHOR: Jos Mous
DISCLAIMER: Not owning these characters, not making a profit.
RATING: PG-13. Maybe R
NOTE: This little fic is based on the short D.E.B.S. film, not the feature length movie. Since I live in the Netherlands, chances of me ever seeing the full movie are slim to none, so… Anyway, this little piece is short and the ending is bad, with an unfinished feel to it. So, you know, maybe I should write a sequel. Maybe not.
“So…” Amy said slowly, “tell me again how this works.”
“Well, as you know, Lucy in the Sky has swept into the States again,” Max said patiently. “And, as usual, she’s planning something nefarious.”
“Right, right,” said Amy. “But what does that have to do with the three of you handcuffing me to my bed in the middle of the night?” she asked, pulling on the handcuffs to demonstrate her point.
Janet patted her on the knee. “Don’t worry; we’re only making sure Lucy won’t get kidnapped again.”
“By rendering me essentially helpless? Gee, thanks.”
“Well, it’s the only way,” Max said. “We send you out on recon, Lucy captures you. We go in as a team, Lucy captures you. We tell you to stay put, you follow us out of concern for us, Lucy captures you. Are you beginning to see the pattern here?”
“Yes, but, handcuffs?” Amy said.
“They’re just to make sure you really do stay here so that Lucy won’t be able to capture you, OK?” said Max.
Amy pouted. If she’d had to choose between being chained up by her friends or being chained up by Lucy, the decision was obvious.
”Well, see you around,” Janet said. “We’re off to stop Lucy again.”
“Bye Amy,” said Max, heading for the bedroom door.
“Au revoir,” Dominique said. “And… zon’t vait up for us, eh?”
Amy waited patiently until the door had closed. She had, in fact, expected her fellow D.E.B.S. members to try something like this and she’d prepared for just such an occasion by hiding a skeleton key on her body.
Unfortunately, however, the skeleton key was hidden between her breasts underneath her nightgown and since she was lying on her bed in a kind of X-shape she couldn’t get to it.
Amy considered her options.
Lucy in the Sky sat haughtily in her lair’s command room, watching her henchmen running around, observing monitors and holding the kind of big weaponry that implied some form of compensation was going on. Occasionally a henchman looked at her, but only saw her smiling faintly and, of course, petting a small, white kitten.
Eventually, one of them gathered up the courage to speak up.
“So… what’s the plan?”
“Plan?” said Lucy calmly.
“You know, the job.”
The henchman coughed. “Like, you know, we came back to the States where we’re all being wanted for a couple o’ misunderstandings, right, so I’d kinda like to know why.”
Lucy just smiled and petted her kitten. “Oh, so you’d like to know that, would you?”
The henchman looked at the smile. It was a very friendly smile. This could only mean one thing.
“You know, on second thought, I’m just gonna go ahead and check… uhm… something.”
“You do that,” said Lucy.
“Ma’am, I’ve got something on the monitors,” one monitor-observing henchman said.
“Is it a D.E.B.S. team?” Lucy asked.
“Yes ma’am,” said monitor-observer.
“I expected as much. Send out Alpha team. Have them capture Amy and delay the others.”
“Uhm… Amy isn’t actually there,” said the observer.
Lucy sprang to her feet, causing her little kitten to leap to the floor and hiss angrily. “What!? What do you mean, she isn’t there?”
Lucy pushed the henchman aside and watched the monitor. Sure enough, there were Max, Janet and Dominique sneaking into her lair. But no Amy.
“Why… why isn’t she here?” she asked in a small voice.
“Ma’am? Your orders?”
“What do you think?” Lucy snapped. “Capture them! Throw them into the cells!”
Janet surveyed her surroundings. They were quite nice. A very good use of colour and pastels.
“You know, it’s funny,” she said.
“What?” said Max.
“Well, you know how we left Amy tied up in an X-shape kind of way and here we are chained up against the wall of one of Lucy’s cells in a kind of X-shape too.”
“Hilarious,” said Max.
“I just thought it was funny is all,” said Janet.
“Great,” said Max.
“Ah vonder when Lucy iz going to shoot uz,” Dominique said.
“Ah’m dying for my last cigarette.”
“Ah. Of course,” said Max.
“Sorry girls, you won’t be having any last cigarettes just yet,” said Lucy, appearing the cell doorway. “So, now it seems we have a great opportunity to communicate,” she said, slowly advancing on the girls.
“We won’t talk Lucy,” said Max. “Not even if you torture us.”
“Well, maybe then we will,” said Janet.
Lucy smiled. “So tell me, where’s Amy?”
“Excuse me?” said Max.
“Amy. Your fellow do-gooder. The one I keep kidnapping. Where is she?”
“Not here,” said Max.
“I can see that,” Lucy hissed. “Why isn’t she? Why didn’t she come with you? Didn’t she want to go with you? Didn’t she want to see me again?”
“Excuse me?” said Max.
“Where is Amy?” Lucy screamed.
“In bed,” said Dominique.
“In bed? What? Why? Does she have a fever or something? Is that why she isn’t here?”
“What’s with the sudden interest in Amy?” Max asked.
Lucy glared at her for a moment before turning on her heel and stalking out again.
Amy tried moving her upper body up and down in quick bursts in an attempt to get the skeleton-key moving. It was working too, she could feel the cold metal moving on her skin. Unfortunately, it got stuck underneath the hem of her nightgown.
No luck there then.
Her bedroom door opened and light from the hallway spilled inside, half blinding her.
“Max, if that’s you…”
Before Amy could say anything else, Lucy was practically lying on top of her, kissing her feverishly.
“I missed you baby,” Lucy said.
“I wanted to come,” Amy said. “But I couldn’t. Max and the gals tied me up.”
“I know sweetie.”
“I mean, you know I’d never pass up on the opportunity to get kidnapped by you.”
“I know, I know, don’t worry,” Lucy whispered, softly kissing Amy a few more times. “So, do you know where the keys for those cuffs are?”
“Max’s room, I guess,” said Amy. “But… uhm…”
“I’ve kinda got a skeleton key sort of hidden on my body.”
Lucy quirked an eyebrow. “Really? Where?”
Amy just smiled.
“Ah, yes, there, yes, yes, Ah!”
Something metal clanged onto the floor. Janet quickly pulled her foot back.
“Zanks,” said Dominique. “Now ve can get out of ‘ere.”
“So, is this the way they do things in France?” said Max. “Hide skeleton keys in panties?”
“But of course,” said Dominique, displaying an unusual amount of athletic skills by scooping the key up between her feet and managing to take it between her teeth.
“How bizarre,” said Janet. “I mean, we just hide keys in our bras.”
Max stared at them. “Am I the only one in this cell who’s not insane?”
Dominique, still holding the key between her teeth, managed to unlock one shackle, then used her free hand to unlock the other. “I knew smokin’ all tose cigarettes would come in useful one day.”
“Really? How nice. Now could you please unlock the rest of us? We need to save Amy.”
Amy’s breathing, that had been quite heavy, slowly came back under control. “Well…” she said. “Thanks.”
“Hmm. Don’t mention it,” said Lucy, lazily running a hand up and down Amy’s body.
“So could you undo those cuffs know please?”
Lucy pouted. “Do I have to?”
“Well, you don’t have to, but…”
Amy froze. So did Lucy.
“Do you hear…?”
“You don’t suppose…?”
Lucy and Amy looked at each a bit mournfully. Lucy kissed Amy one more time, then said, “Sorry, gotta run. See you later?”
“Count on it.”
Lucy made a dramatic exit through the window mere moments before Max, Janet and Dominique made their dramatic entrance.
“Great timing girls,” said Amy.
Janet looked at Amy and gasped. “Amy, you’re…”
“My God, what did Lucy do to you?” said Max.
Amy looked confused until it dawned on her that she was functionally naked. “Oh! Oh yes, yes. It was, it was horrible. If you hadn’t come just in time Lucy would’ve, she would’ve…”
“Oh I’m so sorry sweetie,” said Max, fishing a key out of a pocket. “I mean, I knew Lucy was obsessed with you, but I had no idea…”
“It’s OK,” said Amy. “Just unlock me right now please.”
“So what do you want to do now?” Max asked after Amy was back on her feet again.
“I just want to get on my uniform and go after Lucy,” said Amy, smiling with grim anticipation. “I’m going to repay her for what she did to me.”
Janet smiled. “Good for you.”