SLUMBER PARTY MASSACRE

Episode five has arrived and it’s probably even worse than episode four. Well, that's all for the introductions, let’s move on to the review:

We start with Carmen, talking. Whereas Tom Hanks had a volleyball to talk to, Carmen’s only companion is a cupcake. Carmen’s sixteenth birthday is coming up and she tells said cupcake that at the present moment in time she only has two friends: Lily and Sam (please note that Harrison is not mentioned). And while Carmen is happy with her friends, she wants more friends. And who can blame her? We all want more friends. And, on a big school like Kennedy High, there must be a lot of students who already vaguely like Carmen and could become friends with her if they spend some time with her.
This knowledge seems lost on Carmen, because the only new friends she wants are the cheerleaders. Carmen confesses that being a cheerleader is the one thing you need to get all the things you need to be happy: A boyfriend, a husband, 2.5 kids and a mini-van.
Carmen evidently is not ambitious.
Then, suddenly, Carmen starts talking about lust and temptation, submits to these two vices and eats her conversation partner.

Carmen is planning a slumber party for her birthday. The blondes (NOTE: during this ep, when I say ‘the blondes’, I mean Brooke, Nicole, Mary Cherry and Popita. I do this because writing ‘the blondes and the African-American’ just takes too long to write) have received the invitations to Carmen’s party and mock the very idea of it.

Sam walks up to Harrison and asks him if he is going to Carmen’s party as well. Harrison responds with:
“This may come as a surprise to you, Sam, but I am actually of a different gender.”
Sam is shocked, saying:
“What! What are you saying? That you’re not a girl? That you’re really a… a… God I can’t even say it! You lied to me Harrison! And what for? To get into my pants or something, you pervert!? Well, that does it. Our friendship is over Harrison. Get out of my sight. Get out and never come back.”
It’s a pity that Sam doesn’t actually say this, but I’m confident that is what she’s thinking. Instead, Harrison keeps on talking about how tired he is of being “the friend” all the time. Well, what else can he be? “The Lover”? I thought not. “The spurned street dog that isn’t even worthy enough to be kicked into a bloody pulp”? Far more likely.
For those of you who have failed to notice so far: I really don’t like Harrison.
Anyway, Harrison says he’s not coming to the party. Pity that he’s lying when he says it, though.

Carmen walks up through the corridor, and the blondes (minus Brooke) are still mocking her. Sam and Harrison run up to Carmen to point out this rather obvious fact to her. Carmen doesn’t quite care. She believes that if she keeps nagging about her desire to be a cheerleader as well, the blondes will start respecting her and accept her in their circle. There’s a flaw in that reasoning somewhere, I’m sure of it.
Anyway, Carmen leaves. Harrison says that he can sympathise with the whole situation. He too knows what it feels like to be an outsider. Of course, in his case it’s just karma getting back at him time and time again. Sam also knows that it’s not a very nice feeling to be an outsider, but she’s far more realistic than Harrison and she knows that disaster is about to strike.

The blondes (still minus Brooke), Josh and Sugar Daddy are having inane conversation when Brooke turns up and drags Josh away to have sex with him in the nurse’s office. Nicole explains to the stunned group that Brooke has read in some magazine that all it takes to please a guy is aggression and the right kind of lip-gloss. SD seems very interested in this information, for some reason.

In the nurse’s office, Brooke and Josh are kissing. Brooke interrupts the kissing to ask Josh if he likes her lip-gloss. For some reason the term ‘lipstick lesbian’ comes to mind. Anyway, Josh and Brooke keep kissing.
The J/B kissing spree is sort of cut up and then mixed up with a conversation between Mike and Jane on the telephone. The parental units are making an appointment as to when they’re going to have sex. Jane is evidently rather insecure about her body and would like the appointment to take place at night.
Mike turns out to be a very smooth talker, talking about his “magic wand” and then making a massive Freudian slip by saying: “I really need it. I-I mean you.”
Come on Jane! What are you doing with this guy? Just dump him and follow you daughter’s example, OK?
Anyway, during this telephone conversation we also see that Nurse Jesse Glass (yes, sister to Bio Glass for those of you who want to know) catches Brooke and Josh making out. Nurse Glass then interrupts aforementioned telephone conversation, saving Mike from any further embarrassment.

Well, we can all guess what Mike said to Brooke when they talked over the phone just now. But because the writers assume that the viewers are dumb, Brooke complains about Nicole how she and Josh have to perform a version of “Rome and Juliet”. Not a very good comparison in my opinion. Romeo and Juliet actually loved each other.
Then, in slow motion, dressed in a black leather jacket, sitting in a really cool pose and having a smoke is some guy who is noticed by Nicole. She instantly starts drooling over this hunk. His name, as it turns out, is Leo. And he is Carmen’s brother.
Nicole decides to go to Carmen’s party anyway. She also coaxes Brooke into coming by pointing out that Josh can come over as well so they can have sex.
Brooke’s smile, however, indicates that she now has the perfect excuse to go to that party and see that which she has seen so often before in her fantasies: Sam in a nightie.

We are in the cafeteria. Lily says that she has to work on the night of the slumber party. Carmen says that it’s not a problem and that she’ll just move the party to another night.
Then the blondes swoop into the cafeteria, dressed in their Glamazon uniforms for some reason.
Brooke casts some flirtatious glances at Harrison. Sam, once again, is obviously shocked, thinking:
“What the Hell is going on here?” She might also think, after having thought that: “Why isn’t she looking at me like that?”
Anyway, Nicole says that all the blondes are not busy on the Friday night of the party, so they’ll come. Sam says:
“Wow, did Satan find someone else to guard the gates of Hades that night?”
This horrendous misuse of religion is going to be carefully dissected and complained about by me, so for those of you not interested, move along now. Anyway, Satan is a creation of the Christian Church and has no place in Greek mythology. Sam apparently thinks that Nicole is the three-headed dog Cerberos, who walks on the other side of the river Styx and guards the Underworld. The Greek Underworld is NOT Hell; it is Purgatory, Heaven and Hell all rolled into one. Hades is the name of the guy who rules the Underworld and, as such, does not come equipped with gates. The part of the Underworld that is the equivalent of Hell is called the Tartaros. So, what Sam should have said is this:
“Wow, did Hades find someone else to guard the gates of the Underworld/Tartaros that night?”
OK, back to the review.
The blondes leave the table after the exchange of a few more pleasantries. Carmen starts to leave as well, making all kinds of clumsy excuses. The party is not being moved. The blondes are more important than Lily. Sam looks stunned. Whether this is because of Carmen’s betrayal of her friends or because she still hasn’t quite managed to wrap her mind around the image of Brooke in her cheerleader costume is unclear.

After some class Sam and Lily leave the class together, talking about Carmen. Sam is horrified of Carmen’s behaviour and feels that the girl needs to be protected from herself. Sam, of course, will be the protector and Lily will not, because Lily needs to work.
On the other matter of blondes “taking away” important people in Sam’s life: Sam is still upset that Jane is dating Mike. However, she thinks that it won’t last because she has not seen any “concrete evidence”. I suppose that the engagement ring around Jane’s finger is purely circumstantial.
Quickly back to Carmen, Sam confesses that she needs help in her guarding duties. This fellow guard would, of course, be Brooke.

Speaking of Brooke, she and Josh are making out. Josh, apparently, also had associations with the “lipstick lesbian” term earlier and he asks Brooke if she could please stop wearing so much make-up. He then covers his insecurities about Brooke true sexuality by saying that he likes girls without make-up.
Brooke is totally and utterly confused as she makes her way towards the Novak. There, she starts removing her make-up.
Sam enters, looking for Brooke.
Brooke starts by saying that she finds it pretty confusing that teen magazines written by thirty-year-olds say one thing and that the boys say another thing. She then takes advantage of this statement by saying that she's being “pulled into two directions”.
The two directions here being the safe, but fake relationship with Josh and the loving, passionate relationship she could have with Sam.
Sam, however, is not in the mood for talking and claims that the blondes have something particularly nasty planned for Carmen. Brooke sighs a little defeated, saying:
“Why do I even try?”
‘Cause you’re in love with girl, hon. That’s why.
Anyway, the two girls bitch a little to each other when Sam starts pleading to Brooke to not go the party. Brooke claims that she really likes Carmen. Sam claims that the other blondes are still going to try and destroy the poor girl. Brooke promises that this isn’t going to happen.

Brooke is not very sure about the promise she just made so, just to be sure, she walks up to Nicole and begs her not to be mean to Carmen. It is once again evident that Sam matters a lot to Brooke when she says:
“I don’t want to be the person Sam McPherson thinks I am.” Then she adds, with a tiny hint of despair and doubt since she’s still with Josh after all: “I’m not that person, OK?”
Nicole sort of promises not to be mean, then points out the hypocrite that is Brooke McQueen. After all, Brooke’s only going to the party to get friendly with Josh, right?

Back in the cafeteria, Sam warns Carmen once again about the party. Carmen is sick of it by now. A clear example that perseverance and nagging just don’t work.
Nicole indicates that Carmen has to come over to the blonde table and Carmen complies. Did Nicole do this in order to honour her promise to Brooke?
What do you think?
Nicole asks Carmen about big brother Leo, about his likes and dislikes and such. Carmen says that he likes hippy-chicks. The little light-bulb above Nicole’s head starts flashing.
Sam watches the scene with horror, then flees.

Brooke and Harrison talk. For some reason she’s once again sort of flirting with him. As it turns out, Brooke is trying to manipulate Harrison into helping her out with her plans for the slumber party. In a flashback we see that Harrison has been employed by Brooke before to keep boys away from slumber parties. Brooke asks Harrison to fulfil this role again so that she can hit on Sam without any distractions from Josh.

Sam and Carmen have a fight. Sam claims that Carmen is busy betraying her and Lily in exchange for a few fake friends with a fake lifestyle. Carmen does not see it like this. Sam then decides that she’s not coming to the party.

Sam is also pretty pissed off at Jane. Like Carmen, Jane is trying to change herself to please someone else. Sam tells Jane that she’s not going to the party and that, instead, she wants to hang out with her mom. Unfortunately, Jane has a date with Mike so she sort of pressures Sam into going to the party after all.

The blondes arrive at Carmen’s house for the party. Nicole and Mary Cherry dump their luggage onto Carmen. The brunette is about to close the door when Sam shows up.
Up at Carmen’s room, we have deep meaningful thoughts. Sam is feeling alone with all these cheerleaders. Brooke is admiring breasts. Carmen wants a skinny body.
OK then, Carmen starts unwrapping her gifts and all that. Then, out of the blue, she picks up a guitar and starts singing a song she wrote called “Decapitated Rat”. Fortunately for all of us, Mary Cherry quickly cuts her short. Then the last gift arrives. It’s a poem from Sam. Brooke is very much impressed. Nicole isn’t. She grabs the poem, then mocks Sam about it. Carmen, trying to fit in, mocks Sam as well.
Sam leaves.
Brooke watches her go, not at all pleased about the hurt Sam must be in right now. Nicole then nudges her and makes meaningful head movements. Brooke, remembering that everyone thinks she’s straight, makes some excuse about going off after Sam and thereby making everybody think that she’s actually going after Josh.

Nicole goes to Leo’s room. Remembering what Carmen said, she tries to woo Leo by acting like a dumb hippy and showing him the hair under her armpits.

Josh and Sugar Daddy show up at the house. Harrison tries to stop them. This is understandable. If Josh enters the house all those lesbian fantasies Harrison must be having right now will be crushed.
Brooke shows up at the window. Unfortunately she can’t open the thing without the alarm going off so she manipulates Harrison to give her the code to the alarm system.
Brooke opens the window and leans slightly out, saying:
“Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?”
Josh will probably fail his English because he responds with the ever-romantic:
“Coming!”
Pity for Josh that “wherefore” doesn’t mean “where” but “why”. So, let’s rewind the scene a little, gag Josh and hear what Brooke would have said if she had been allowed to finish:
“Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo? Wherefore art thou not Sam with her beautiful hair, gorgeous body and promise of a most talented tongue?”
Anyway, Josh leaves the scene, climbing up to the window towards Brooke. Sugar Daddy watches him go with sadness on his face, saying that as long as there are “girls like Brooke” he’ll never be able to have “guys like Josh”.

Nicole is still trying to charm Leo with her hippy act. It’s not working, but do we really have to be surprised about that? Sam enters and Leo is very much impressed about the way she looks.
Now, after “Greek mythology” and “The English Language During The Time Of Shakespeare” we can now add the item “Folklore from Europe” to the list of Tiny Screw-Ups Only A Nitpicker Like Jos Would Notice.
Sam takes a stab at Nicole, saying:
“It must be getting close to midnight, ‘cause you’re sprouting hair in strange places.”
Sam, Sam, Sam. Don’t make me change you into a werewolf again. It is traditionally the full moon that causes outbursts of hair in strange places, not the stroke of twelve.
Anyway, Nicole leaves, being very pissed off and Sam and Leo share some friendly conversation after she’s gone.

Whenever a bully is mad he finds someone smaller, weaker and/or smarter to pick on. Right now, Nicole is very much pissed off and she decides to take it out on Carmen.

Nicole hypnotises Mary Cherry into believing that she’s Gwyneth Paltrow and has just received and Oscar. Carmen is impressed and, not being particularly bright apparently, offers to be hypnotised next.

Brooke and Josh are kissing. Brooke is ready for the sex, but only if Josh would be so kind not to touch her ass, back or, well, pretty much anywhere.

Sam and Leo have deep, meaningful conversation about how the jocks never really manage to make it after High School. Leo, however, is determined to break the chains of his past, grow up and start anew. He has to leave, however, when his ex-cheerleader girlfriend who now works at Pizza Hut comes to pick him up for a date.

My, my. As it turns out, Nicole is hiding a vast psychic power and has used this weapon of potential mass destruction to make Carmen think she’s a chicken. Sam enters the room, sees the display and orders Carmen to snap out of it. Nicole's grip on Carmen’s mind is too powerful, however, and Carmen continues to be poultry. Sam, disgusted to the extreme, leaves.

Brooke and Josh are still in the making-out stage and Brooke’s prayers are finally answered when somebody knocks on the door. Brooke quickly gets up and hides Josh in a very appropriate place: the closet.
Sam swoops in, takes one good look at the bed and figures out what has been going on. Brooke denies vehemently, but we all know that Sam isn’t stupid. The brunette then tells the blonde that Nicole has hypnotised Carmen into believing that she’s a chicken. The blonde counters cunningly by saying that the brunette is probably exaggerating.
Sam goes to the closet, shows the world that Josh is in there, is totally disappointed in Brooke and leaves.
Josh displays a nice sense of morality when he figures out that Brooke has just been using Carmen to get in bed with him so Josh leaves as well.
All this has made Brooke feel really, very guilty.

We are at Mr Cluck’s. Carmen still believes she’s a chicken. It’s scenes like this that the fast forward button has been invented for.

Brooke leaves the Ferrera house. Everybody is gone except Harrison. Like Sam and Josh, Harrison too calls Brooke a manipulating bitch. Brooke, however, tries to atone for her sins and get back into Sam’s good graces by manipulating Harrison to get him to drive her to Mr Cluck’s.

Jane and Mike have sex. Let’s not think about this sentence for too long. Anyway, Jane believes that, after giving birth to Sam, she’s no longer pretty. Mike, trying to make up for the stupidities at the telephone conversation, tells Jane that she’s perfect.
Sam sees this display from outside and, once again, turns around to leave.

Back at Mr Cluck’s. It would seem that Nicole has no psychic powers after all and that Carmen is only playing along with the whole chicken thing because she thinks this will help gain respect amongst the cheerleaders.
Not surprisingly, everybody laughs at her.
Brooke enters and, thinking fast, starts clucking like a chicken as well, then tells everybody that it was just a game of Truth or Dare. She then chases the other blondes out of the restaurant, apologises to Carmen and leaves.

The episode ends with a scene at Mr Cluck’s. Carmen and her friends (Sam and Lily, but not Harrison) are there. Carmen complains that the blondes all gave her stuff that would make her look or smell different and that Sam’s poem was the only thing that was actually a tribute to her. Sam and Carmen look at each other smiling, then hold hands.
Lily complains that she didn’t get any birthday cake, so Sam takes out two candles and improvises a birthday cake out of a chicken. Lily pulls Sam into a hug which Sam seems to enjoy very much.
Is there some brunette threesome thing going on that I missed before?
Anyway, Carmen blows out the candles and all the brunettes sit around the table being happy that they have each other.

Will Brooke and Josh ever have sex?
Will Brooke finally dump Josh and go for Sam?
Is there really a brunette threesome thing going on?
Can Sam get even sexier?
Tune in next week when all these questions and more probably will not get answered.