Title: Looking Back
Author: A.M. Glass
Copyright: February 21st -, 2004.
Rating(s): PG-13 - NC-17
“It’s a nice night – don’t you think?”
“It is. Thank you Alice.”
“Bringing me here.”
“That’s okay – do you wanna sit down?”
They had been walking around the small tree park silently, each lost in their own thoughts.
Alice wondering what she would have done in Marina’s place.
It was obvious that Marina had gotten over her head and had no idea what to do. Alice thought that Lena should have known. It was foolish of her to believe their relationship was going to be long lasting. Then again, she conceded, to a sixteen year old – forever was either a long way off, or in Lena’s case, something snatched from her grasp without warning.
Marina had not imagined ever running into Lena again, seeing her once more had brought back old feelings and emotions. The passion Lena brought out in her was unlike anything she’d experienced – to this day, no one – not even Jenny had managed to surpass it, let alone come near it.
Although their sudden meeting was abrupt, she couldn’t deny how much more beautiful Lena had become. Time had been very kind to her. She was also aware of the ring Lena wore on her right hand; the sight of it gripped her heart.
It reminded her of the one she had given Lena, it was a little something she thought Lena might like. Obviously it wasn’t as expensive as the one she had now.
She could also remember how it felt when Lena threw the ring back. The throbbing sensation when it hit her chest. The way she had reached out for the ring hoping to catch it, only to watch as it fell to the ground as if in slow motion.
Lena had promised never to take it off, that she’d never wear another and Marina believed her – it scared her to death.
It was more than she could handle.
“I think I would like to sit down Alice,” she replied as they cut across the park and sat at one of the picnic tables.
“How did it end?” Alice asked.
“I broke her heart.”
* * *
Marina checked her watch for the tenth time in the past five minutes. Lena was due shortly.
She sat down on their bench, only to stand up seconds later. She was a nervous wreck.
How could things get so complicated? Why had she given Lena the ring? What had been running through her head? Would she be able to go through her plan? Could she pull it off?
Turning around she saw Lena – for a brief moment, her plans went out the window. All that mattered was Lena was here, calling out to her.
Marina could not stop the smile from appearing on her face, or the flush of desire that shot through her body whenever she saw Lena. They embraced quickly before sitting down.
“I haven’t kept you waiting have I?” Lena asked, her hands fidgeting.
“No. Not at all,” Marina replied, wanting to take Lena’s hands in hers, if for a moment.
“You said there was something you needed to talk about.”
It was now or never. “I’m leaving.”
Lena frowned. “Leaving? I don’t understand.”
“I’m going back to Italy.”
“For how long?”
Marina looked down. She had to do it. She had to. “I’m not coming back.”
Lena stood up and walked from the bench. “Why are you saying this?” she turned to look at Marina. “Why are you trying to hurt me this way?”
“Lena, grow up. You couldn’t possibly expect me to stay here could you?” she asked harshly, as she walked towards her.
“Stop... don’t come closer.”
“You didn’t really believe that I would take you with me? You’re sixteen for God’s sake.” Marina cursed herself as she noticed Lena flinching. She had struck with deadly intent. The age difference between them was a sore subject with Lena who thought she was too young for her.
“You lied to me?”
Marina heard the shock in Lena’s voice and almost caved in when Lena began to cry. Taking a deep breath she hardened her heart. “I’m not the first, nor will I be the last to do that Lena. Why don’t you simply chalk this up to experience.”
“Experience? I... I should chalk this up to experience?”
Marina watched as Lena looked down momentarily, when she looked up, Marina could not believe the transformation. Lena was no longer crying, her eyes although red and blotchy were cold, angry.
“Am I to thank you for this? This lesion? Do I drop to my knees before you and kiss your feet? Tell me. I beg you, tell me.”
“Of course not.”
“What do I have to do? What can I offer you that you don’t already have? My pride? It’s all I have left it’s yours for the asking. I’ve given you my virginity... my love, what more could I possibly give you? Don’t just stand there, say something!”
“I don’t love you,” Marina said quietly, she looked down, unable to face her, “I never have.” She heard Lena gasp, looking up she became worried – Lena’s face had gone pale.
“I hate you.”
* * *
“She took off the ring I’d given her, threw it at me and walked away. She never looked back, not once. Until this afternoon... I had never seen her again.”
“Wow. You were harsh.”
“I had to be.”
“I guess asking you if you could change it...”
“I’ve looked back so many times Alice. I wish with all my heart that I had recognized or acknowledged what Lena truly meant to me back then. I was a foolish young girl who wasn’t ready to be tied down...”
“You have got to stop being so hard on yourself Marina. You made a mistake, we all do. We’re not infallible. You’re not infallible. It isn’t as if you fucked up her life.”
“You don’t understand,” Marina said more to herself. “I kept it you know,” she said changing the subject.
“It? You kept the ring?” Alice guessed.
“Yes. Every year on the day I broke up with her, I take it out and I look at it. I remind myself that I let someone very important to me go – and I’m no happier for it.”
“Come on Marina, you can’t honestly tell me that you’d still be together can you? Hell, you’d be the ones we’d look to – not Bette and Tina.”
Marina smiled briefly. “I can Alice. I can. I know it in my heart.”
“I am,” she whispered.
“Are you going to see her again?”
Marina looked away, “It’s up to her. I don’t know where she’s staying. Besides, what could I possibly say?”
Alice could tell that Marina was no longer in the mood to talk, her friend had been through so much it pained her to see her this way. “Are you hungry or anything?”
“No,” Marina turned to Alice, “But I would like to get back.”
They walked to the car, Alice going around to the drivers side, as she was about to unlock the door, she leaned forward, folding her arms on the roof. “Marina...”
“I won’t do the story.”
Marina smiled. “Thank you Alice.”
“Let’s get going.”
“Bianca, please... don’t cry,” Lena practically begged as she continued to wipe away the tears Bianca shed.
“How... how could she do that to you?” Bianca hiccupped.
Lena wanted to put the rest of the story on hold – hoping – wishful thinking on her part actually, that Bianca would forget about it. However, as they held each other on the couch, Bianca had brought up that she hadn’t heard the rest of it and that now seemed as good a time as any.
It was going well – or so Lena thought. Until the incident at the park.
Lena could not hide the pain she’d experienced from her voice and Bianca had picked up on it right away. No matter what Lena had said, no matter how she tried to calm her down, Bianca could not keep from crying.
Lena believed it hit too close to home for Bianca.
“Please... please tell me you didn’t feel that way?” Bianca asked, her voice small.
“They were different circumstances Bianca. You did what you did because you thought you were protecting me...”
“We all know how well that turned out,” Bianca muttered.
“Sweetheart, we’ve already gone through this – it’s done.”
Bianca moved away slightly, “What about you and Marina?”
“What about us?”
“You said I was trying to protect you...”
“Yes – you were. Marina,” she sighed, “Marina used me – that’s all.”
“Do you still believe that?”
“What choice do I have?”
Bianca knew a lot about choices. She knew how they affected not only her life – but also those of her family and friends. Mostly she knew how her choice to shut Lena out of her life made her miserable and drove Lena to her desperate act.
Bianca was furious at Marina – angry at how she’d treated and used Lena. She was angry with herself. However, beneath the anger – simmering below the surface was a thought.
It had come unbidden – like a thief in the night.
What if there was more to this than Lena knew?
From what Lena had said, described, Marina behaved like a woman in love. There had been no indication that the break-up was coming. It was like Michael, Bianca had no idea what was going to happen.
There were one too many coincidences between them for comfort. Bianca came to the conclusion that in order for her to get the answers to her questions – to have peace of mind – as well as giving a piece of hers – she had to talk to Marina.
The problem: how to get Lena to agree to the meeting. She wasn’t going to sneak off and do this behind her back.
She’d bring it up later. Right now, it was time for bed.
“Yes my Angel.”
“Take me to bed.”
Lena stood up, reaching out to Bianca with both hands, she assisted Bianca she got up from the couch.
“Do you want to take a shower?”
“I’m fine. Besides, I wanna got to sleep in your arms – not just wake in them.”
Lena kissed Bianca gently, “Nothing would make me happier.”
As they proceeded into the bedroom, Lena had Bianca sit on the bed. “I’ll be right back,” she said as she took the soup bowl from the nightstand and walked back into the living room area of the suite.
Bianca heard dishes being moved and then she heard the service cart. She smiled, Lena was putting the cart outside the door to their suite.
“I do love you,” she said softly to herself.
“What are you smiling about hmm?” Lena asked as she walked into the bedroom.
“No special reason.”
“Umm hmm. Would you like your nightgown or...”
“Oversized t-shirt please,” Bianca answered grinning. It was one of Lena’s – she had confiscated it and said in a tone that would brook no argument, that she was now the proud owner of said shirt, so Lena had better forget about ever getting it back.
“Of course.” Lena smiled as she went to the dresser. She had been secretly delighted when Bianca had chosen to sleep in her shirt. By taking possession of the shirt, in Lena’s mind – by proxy, Bianca had taken possession of her. Pulling it out of the dresser, she walked to Bianca and handed it to her. “Call me if you need anything,” she said as she started to leave the room.
“Yes,” she turned around.
Lena was puzzled. Bianca had never asked for assistance before. “Are you all right?” she asked, her voice laced with concern.
“I’m perfectly fine.”
“Lena... will you undress me?”
She gasped. “Are... are you sure Bianca?”
“I’m positive,” Bianca answered, her voice strong.
Lena had never felt so nervous in her life.
It wasn’t as if she hadn’t seen Bianca naked before – she had memorized each feature – every part of her. She knew if she barely grazed the back of Bianca’s knees with her fingers, Bianca would be reduced to tears from laughter. Yet, if she did the same thing with her breath – the reaction was completely different. It had taken them both by surprise when Bianca moaned out loud.
This was different.
They were both different, which made it so much more important.
Lena slowly approached Bianca standing before her she reached out and began to unbutton the blouse.
“I can do this,” Lena muttered to herself. “Of course I can do this, I’ve done this before – there’s nothing to it.”
Bianca smiled to herself. She doubted Lena realized that she had spoken out loud. The smile grew bigger as Lena diligently unbuttoned her blouse, the tip of her tongue poking out between her lips.
Lena willed her hands not to tremble as she unfastened the last button. Her heart raced in her chest as she caught glimpses of Bianca’s skin.
She reached up, sliding her hands inside the blouse, careful not to touch Bianca too much and urged the material over Bianca’s shoulders and off. Lena heard her gasp as her hands followed the sleeves down Bianca’s arms before it finally floated to the floor.
“Leave it,” Bianca instructed when Lena made a move to pick it up. “Give me your hands please.”
Lena instinctively responded.
“What do you feel in your hands Lena?”
She frowned, she wasn’t sure what Bianca was getting at. “Feel?”
Bianca raised their joined hands up. “What do you feel,” she stressed as she squeezed.
Bianca smiled. “Yes.” Taking Lena’s right hand and turning it so that she was able to place hers on the back of it, she moved their hands until they were resting on Lena’s chest. “What do you feel?”
It was Lena’s turn to smile. “Miranda... who’s very active tonight.”
“Yes she is.”
“Bianca, what are you trying to tell me?”
“Lena whose body are you touching?”
“Exactly. It’s my body. Your hands are on my body. No one else has the right to touch me unless I say they can... wait! Don’t pull away, hear me out.” Bianca pleaded. “Lena that right was taken from me and for the longest time I’ve had to struggle with that. I had to learn to trust myself – not you. You would’ve never hurt me. I knew that then and I know it now. This is why I can reach out to you. I need your help Lena. I need to re-learn your touch. I want to re-learn your touch,” Bianca’s voice dropped. “I’m giving you that right.” Bianca took Lena’s hands in hers and placed them on top of her breasts. “Please don’t be afraid. I’m not.”
Lena was overwhelmed, she wasn’t sure what to do. Moving her gaze from Bianca’s she slowly looked down. It was almost as if she were seeing someone else’s hands, how they simply rested on Bianca’s breasts.
She had noticed the difference before. Lena allowed her hands to move slowly until she was cupping Bianca’s breasts. She marveled at their fullness – Bianca was bigger of course, her body had prepared itself to feed Miranda.
“I’m in awe of you Bianca,” she whispered, never moving her gaze from her hands. “Your body – it’s changed so much – I hope you won’t think me rude but your breasts – they’re beautiful. To think that Miranda will be suckling from them, deriving nourishment from them, it fills me with a sense of pride, that and thinking she’s a cheeky girl.” Lena smiled. She moved her hands once again, until they stopped at the clasps in front of Bianca’s bra. She looked at her for confirmation.
One by one she unhooked them, she could feel Bianca’s heartbeat – to think she was causing its rapid pace shook her. She reached the last one with a small movement on her part she was a moment away from seeing Bianca’s bare breasts for the first time in over nine months.
Her hands shook – she wanted so badly to be calm – in control – smooth, everything Bianca deserved.
Now Lena was being reduced to a quivering mass – a nervous wreck.
She looked up.
“I love you.”
She reached up and caressed Bianca’s cheek, her palm tingling when Bianca turned and kissed it. She had nothing to be afraid of and so much to look forward to. “Thank you.”
Bianca simply smiled.
A moment later, Bianca was free, her breasts, heavy with milk, sagged. Bianca blushed. She had gotten used to seeing her breasts fall once she took her bra off, Lena hadn’t.
“How do they feel?” Lena asks as she removed the bra completely, letting it fall to the floor, joining the blouse.
“Umm... bigger,” Bianca chuckled. “Heavier... the doctor told me I won’t be as... big later on.”
“Either way, you are perfect,” Lena said, placing a kiss on Bianca’s lips. Letting her hands drift down Bianca’s body – loving the feel – the tightness around her belly, Lena bent down and placed a single kiss above Bianca’s navel. “Hello little one – try not to keep your mother up too much huh.”
Bianca stroked the top of Lena’s head as she spoke with Miranda. It filled her with such an indescribable feeling whenever Lena spoke to Miranda. Lena truly, without hesitation accepted the baby. It was something she wished her mother would do.
Lena’s hands drifted lower, resting upon the elastic waistband of the slacks Bianca was wearing. She gently tugged on the material, pulling them down. Her hands grazed Bianca’s skin – her fingers moving over the smooth flesh. Lena carefully avoided the back of Bianca’s knees. There would be no laughing now. Lena wanted to make this as safe and as sensual as she possibly could.
Lena needed Bianca to know that she would never betray her trust, that she was justified in allowing her to do this. She felt Bianca’s hands on her shoulders as she steadied herself when she finally stepped out of the slacks. Standing up, Lena grabbed the t-shirt and helped Bianca put it on.
“That wasn’t so hard was it?” Bianca asked.
“Not at all,” Lena replied. Who was she kidding? She had been petrified.
“It’s funny... but I’m not tired.”
“Neither am I.”
“So... what could we possibly do?”
Avoiding the carefully laid landmine, Lena answered instead, “Bianca, sweetheart – thank you.”
“Umm, for what?” Lena’s answer wasn’t exactly what she was expecting.
“For everything and,” she paused taking Bianca’s hands in hers, “As much as I may want to be with you tonight, I think we should do as you suggested earlier.”
“I think – no, I know I would love to sleep in your arms tonight.”
Bianca’s smiled bashfully, “I... I was probably rushing things, sorry.”
“Sorry? For making me want you? Sorry for sharing your body with me? For allowing me the privilege in seeing how beautiful you have become? Oh no Bianca, never say you’re sorry.”
“You make me feel so much Lena, I can’t express myself sometimes.”
“Come on, let’s get some sleep, perhaps then you’ll find the words in your dreams.”
Once Bianca had settled herself, Lena moved until she was behind her. Bianca reached for Lena’s hand and pulled it to her chest, their fingers clasped together.
“Good night my Angel,” Lena whispered before placing a kiss on Bianca’s cheek.
With mischief sparkling in her eyes, Bianca said, “You call that a good night kiss Kundera? Who are you, Kendall?”
Lena smiled. “So, you want a good night kiss?”
Lena raised herself up, allowing Bianca to roll onto her back.
Lena moved back down, sliding her left arm underneath the pillow Bianca was lying on. She wanted to be able to hold Bianca in her arms. Believing Bianca would expect her to kiss her lips first, Lena instead gave her small fleeting kisses, covering her face, her throat, all the while caressing Bianca’s shoulder and arm.
Lena moved up Bianca’s neck to her earlobe, where she tugs and sucks on it, loving the way Bianca’s arms wrap themselves around her, pulling her closer. She smiles when Bianca moves her face so that their lips finally meet – wantonly, hungrily, tenderly – leisurely, everything at once. The passion builds slowly, gradually.
Lena feels Bianca’s hands trail across her back, clutching her, holding on. She parts her lips, her tongue sliding across Bianca’s upper lip before delving boldly into her mouth, searching, insistent, demanding. Lena takes possession of Bianca’s mouth, which Bianca surrenders without hesitation. She savors the taste and soft warmth of Bianca’s lips.
Lena’s head swims when Bianca sucks on her tongue, caressing it with her own. She reaches out, her hand resting on Bianca’s cheek – feeling as if she’s come home.
A faint moan fills the room, Lena is unsure of whom it came from, not caring as she loses herself in the kiss.
Slowly, regretfully, she withdraws her tongue from Bianca’s mouth. Obviously not wanting the kiss to end, Bianca diligently follows. Lena watches in silent bemusement as Bianca’s eyes flutter open, a dazed expression on her face.
“Wha?” she gasps for air wondering why Lena pulled away.
“Good night Bianca,” Lena manages to say, her own breath ragged.
“Indeed. I certainly hope Kendall doesn’t kiss you that way.”
Bianca closes her eyes, “First off: Eww. No, Kendall does not and never will. Secondly: How can you expect me to go to sleep after that?” She asked her eyes boring into Lena’s.
“Like I will – with some difficulty.”
Lena gathered Bianca in her arms and whispered, “Quite a bit actually.”
“That’s more like it, I guess.”
“Good night Bianca.” Lena snuggled behind her – her hand resting on Bianca’s chest.
“’Night Lena.” This is how it should have been. Bianca thought to herself as she closed her eyes, her fingers intertwined with Lena’s.
“Yes Alice,” she replied as she turned around and looked at her sitting in the car.
“If you need to talk...”
She smiled, “I know whom to call.”
“I’ll see you later.”
“Good night Alice.” Marina stepped away from the curb and watched as Alice drove off. Making sure the shop had been closed up for the night, Marina got into her car and drove home.
Once she got there, she put on her favorite c.d. and poured herself a glass of wine. Lounging on the sofa, her eyes closed, she thought back – her mind filling with images of Lena.
From the innocent...
Bringing Lena a candy bar made of dark chocolate with coconut and almonds, she watched in endless fascination as Lena savored each morsel.
Seeing Lena waiting patiently the park bench, looking around hoping to spot her. Of course she had been hiding, she wanted to know how long Lena would wait for her. She did this until she ached to be by her side and she rushed to her, taking Lena into her arms and held her tight before they sat down next to each other.
To the not so innocent...
She could remember how beautiful Lena looked in candlelight, the flickering glow enhancing each inch of her body.
How passionate their stolen moments were. Each second was filled with danger – at any moment they could have been caught. Feeble groping in the theater to heated kisses in alleyways.
It had been exciting to her. Perhaps that’s why no one else had been able to surpass Lena. No one could spark the fire that would consume them, leaving them exhausted and pleasantly sore.
Lena had trusted her. Knew she would keep her safe and what had she done?
Marina betrayed her. She betrayed them.
Given the look Lena had given her earlier in the afternoon, the pain, the anger she had seen etched on Lena’s face, in her eyes before it disappeared was something she knew she’d never forget.
Marina believed she should consider herself quite fortunate that Lena had not cut her down to size that she hadn’t grabbed Bianca and stormed out.
She hoped that Bianca was everything Lena deserved, that she would not cause Lena any undue pain. Marina had done enough her share.
Marina was brought out of her thoughts abruptly as telephone rang. She made no move to answer it. There was only one person she wanted to speak to and she sincerely doubted Lena would call.
The ringing soon stopped – a message had been left.
It was Francesca – she was coming home soon.
Marina groaned. This was all she needed.
First there was Jenny – being with her had left her satisfied in a way Francesca had not done in the last few years. Jenny had gotten under her skin, had become more than a casual fling. Someone to tide her over ‘til Francesca returned from whatever shoot she was on.
Then out of nowhere Lena appeared.
Marina had run into women she had slept with before yet, none of them had managed to do what this chance encounter had. She wasn’t prepared to feel the old pull – the sudden wave of desire that had hit her once the shock had worn off.
It lasted as long as it took Lena to shut her down.
Sighing, Marina finished her wine. She stood up and turned off the stereo, leaving the wine glass in the sink – she’d take care of it in the morning. Shutting off the lights, she headed to her bedroom, as she stepped through the doorway, she stared at the bed.
It looked so empty.
She felt empty.
Going to the bathroom, she grabbed her favorite bath oil and poured a few drops into the bathtub and turned on the water.
While the tub filled she pinned her hair up and undressed. She hissed slightly as she stepped into the tub – the hot water burning slightly, before soothing.
Using her foot, she reached out and turned the water off. She soaked – the heat seeping into her tired muscles. Marina scooped up some water and brought it to her face, letting the water bathe her.
Absolving her of her perceived sins.
Her thoughts drifted once again.
She could remember how much joy it gave her to make Lena laugh. She had never known someone try so hard not to laugh. She had made it her goal to get this joyous sound from Lena every chance she had. It was a sight to behold. Lena’s face would light up – her smile... took Marina’s breath away.
Marina could re-call with absolute clarity one afternoon, after she and Lena had made love. She could say that now, she couldn’t back then. Back then she was in denial.
She had filled the bathtub of the hotel room they were at after Lena had told her that she could not remember the last time she’d taken one.
For Marina, it had seemed such a small gesture. One that Lena hugged her tight for, kissing her cheeks, her lips, thanking her. Marina had held Lena’s hand as she stepped into the tub.
“This is heaven,” Lena said.
“Well, that makes sense – you are my Angel,” she replied.
Marina watched as Lena bathed herself.
No longer able to sit idly by, she took the washcloth from Lena’s hands, grabbing the soap and worked up a foamy lather.
Lena’s eyes were locked on hers, stubborn droplets of water clinging to her dark eyelashes, sparkling in the bathroom incandescent light. Reaching out, Marina place the washcloth on Lena’s chest – she slowly moved it across, making sure she didn’t miss a spot.
Marina paused momentarily, her hand resting on the swell of Lena’s right breast before moving the washcloth across and under Lena’s left breast, over the top of it, under her right breast. She continued the same motion over and over again – she had no idea how long she had kept it up. She simply followed the mantra in her head: Over, under, between.
If it hadn’t been for Lena’s voice, she had probably would have kept it up ‘til Lena pruned.
“They’re not that dirty.”
She had answered playfully, “I don’t know – they’re pretty bad.”
Marina could not stop herself from giving Lena’s right nipple a pinch, hearing the sharp intake of breath. She watched as Lena’s eyes fluttered closed, her head falling back, her chest arching into her hand...
Marina gasped out loud – her own eyes fluttering open, her body shuddering.
It took her a moment to get her bearings. She couldn’t believe what she had done yet she could not deny it as she slowly withdrew her fingers. Her body quaking in the aftermath of the orgasm she’d experienced.
After a few minutes she washed away the evidence of her lack of control, her lack of respect towards Lena. Standing up carefully, she stepped out of the tub, the water now cold, draining.
Marina hurriedly dried off and walked into the bedroom. Forgoing her nightgown, she got under the covers and prayed for a dreamless sleep.
Bianca quietly gazed upon Lena as she slept. There was something indescribable about being able to do this. It was such an intimate act, one she knew she’d never give up or tire of. She loved waking in the mornings, her head resting on Lena’s chest, hearing the steady heartbeat, the warmth – the love radiating from her.
It was... is wonderful.
She reaches out and traces Lena’s features, her thumb lightly caressing Lena’s cheeks, her full lips, and the length of her neck. Her eyes pausing at Lena’s breasts – unable to stop – Bianca turns her head to the side, trying to get a better look. She found herself mesmerized – watching the soft swells as they follow Lena’s breathing pattern.
Lena opens her eyes slowly and smiles as she notices Bianca simply staring at her chest. She had woken without Bianca’s notice when she felt the feather-like touch on her cheek.
She quickly closed her eyes unable to indulge herself in her favorite pastime of watching Bianca when she saw Bianca turn in her direction – the last thing she wanted to do was embarrass her.
“Lena,” Bianca whispers as she looks into Lena’s face. “I can’t tell you how many times I’ve dreamt about us being together again – making love. It’s always different – we’re different. Sometimes... sometimes you’re a pirate... and I’m the damsel you’ve kidnapped for ransom...” Bianca smiles wondering how her imagination came up with such things.
Lena could not believe what she heard. A pirate? Bianca a damsel being held for ransom... she would have to remember this tidbit of information for later.
“Other times we’re the same people, but the circumstances are different. We’re married, we have children – you have twins... that’s something I’m dying to see...”
Married? Pregnant? Twins?
“So many scenarios run through my head. But, my favorite dream, is about our first time together,” Bianca sighs. “When your hands touched me...” She gasps as she recalls the feeling. “I wish I could tell you how it felt, how nervous I was, how I thought you’d be disappointed in me somehow. I know we’ve talked about my past – my experiences, which weren’t many, but I have to tell you this, after that night – I never want to be with, nor do I see myself with anyone else. ”
Lena listened, her heart racing beneath her breast.
“Lena... I can’t wait for Miranda to be born ... she’s going to be so lucky to have you as a mom...”
Mom? Miranda’s mom? Dear God, please let me have heard that correctly. Lena had always wondered about her role in Miranda’s life. Yes, Bianca had said things to her that would placate her fears, but she had never heard Bianca state so openly – granted Bianca thought she was sleeping, her ultimate role in Miranda’s life. Lena wasn’t sure she’d be able to maintain the façade much longer.
“She’s going to see that part of you that only a few people have. She’s going to know you’re someone she can tell anything to – something I should have done,” Bianca shook her head. “She’s going to love you so much, just like I do. I can’t wait to see you holding her for the first time, it’s going to make me cry...”
“Those had better be tears of happiness,” Lena said, unable to keep quiet any longer.
Bianca gasped in surprise. “Oh no... how long?”
“From your dreams.”
“Oh God...” Bianca hid her face as she blushed.
“No, Bianca – don’t hide please,” Lena said her eyes bright with tears as she gently raised Bianca’s face. “You see, you found the words you wanted to say in your dreams.”
“I meant it, what I said. Every word.”
“I know you do sweetheart, I know. I felt it here,” Lena took Bianca’s hand in hers and placed it on her chest. “Feel how my heart beats for you? I never want to be with anyone else Bianca. You and Miranda have shown me how to love again. It is a gift I can never repay you for. I can only hope that maybe one day... your dream, about us being married...”
“One day,” Bianca answered softly as she bent down and kissed Lena. Their lips parted slowly, each taking the time to get lost in the moment.
Bianca grinned. “Yeah, wow – that was kinda...”
“It was shocking wasn’t it.”
She laughed, “Sorry I couldn’t help it.”
As Bianca’s laughter died down, they stared into each other’s eyes, searching the depths, seeking answers to the question: was this the moment they had been waiting for?
As their lips came into contact once more, they felt the same tingling sensation as they had earlier – their connection, the one that had pulled them together reinforcing itself.
Lena’s hand tangled in Bianca’s hair as she deepened the kiss – her tongue sliding against Bianca’s. Lena knew in the furthest recesses of her mind, there would be no late night shower – no biting of her lips to keep from moaning out loud.
Bianca responded with equal fervor, her hand trailing down Lena’s chest, until she was cupping Lena’s breast. When Lena did nothing to stop her and in fact deepened her kiss – Bianca groaned and began to fondle her.
Lena felt a rush of desire flood her body, ending between her legs. She had never felt the intensity she was experiencing as Bianca pinched her nipple. She couldn’t help but arch her back, driving her breast into Bianca’s hand.
Bianca broke away from Lena’s lips, leaving her gasping for air. “Lena... please,” she managed to say, her chest heaving. Bianca could not recall ever having such a need for anyone in her life. There was a fire racing through her veins and she knew only Lena could put it out. “I want you...” Bianca shook her head wanting wasn’t enough it didn’t express the desire she felt. “No, I don’t just want you, Lena... I need you... I love you so much, please Lena, please.”
Lena swallowed, her tongue running over her swollen lips, her eyes searching Bianca’s. “You’re absolutely sure?”
Bianca knew there was only one thing she could do. Only one action she could make that would give Lena the answer she needed. Reluctantly letting go of Lena’s breast, hearing her moan, she took Lena’s hand in hers, “Here’s your answer,” Bianca said as she placed Lena’s hand against her panties.
“Oh... God,” Lena groaned. She couldn’t believe it.
“Can you feel how you’ve made me?”
Lena could only nod as she moved her hand slowly – Bianca was obviously aroused. She turned and looked into Bianca’s face.
“Touch me Lena...” Bianca demanded as her hand went back to Lena’s breast. “Please.” Bianca crushed her lips against Lena’s, her tongue finding its way into the warm confines of Lena’s mouth.
Lena’s head was swimming. It felt as Bianca were everywhere at once, her hands, her lips, her mouth, branding her, making her ache for Bianca’s touch.
Lena maneuvered herself on to her side, letting Bianca fall to her back. She was breathing heavily through her nose as Bianca continued to plunder her mouth.
She tastes so good. Bianca acknowledged, unable to get enough of Lena.
Lena’s fingers of her right hand slid up and down the expanse of Bianca’s underwear slipping her index finger underneath the material she felt the warmth and wetness of Bianca’s body for the first time in months. It was more than she remembered – it was almost more than she could take.
Bianca pulled back from Lena’s mouth as soon as she felt her touch. “Lena!!” she cried out.
She stopped. Her hand frozen in position as her body cried out in protest. No! No! Not now! “Too... too much?” she gasped. Please don’t say yes, please.
“No...” Bianca answered, her eyes locking onto Lena’s, “...not enough.”
Lena was preparing to leave the softness of Bianca’s body, as the words filtered through her brain. Not enough. She had said not enough. A small grin appeared on Lena’s face.
“Not enough of ... this?” she asked innocently.
“OH... YES! God! YES!” Bianca cried out as Lena’s fingers worked their magic on her. “Wha... what? What’s wrong?” Bianca asked abruptly, her heart thumping rapidly. Why Lena had pulled away? Why was she stopping?
“Bianca... sweetheart...” Although Bianca had told her – had demonstrated that she had given her permission to touch her body, Lena felt the need to ask. She wanted Bianca to have control over the situation, something that bastard Michael had stripped away from her. “May I undress you?”
Bianca, once her thoughts had cleared, realized what Lena was doing. She was asking for permission. Asking for something she had already given her. “Yes...” her words caught in her throat. “You can.”
Lena slowly got to her knees. She wanted Bianca to be aware of every move she made. She slid her hands up Bianca’s legs, feeling their smoothness until she reached the hem of the t-shirt.
“It’s okay,” Bianca said as she nodded.
Lena raised the shirt until she came face to face with Bianca’s underwear. She licked her lips. Reaching out with both hands on either side of Bianca’s hips, she pulled on the elastic and smiled as Bianca lifted her hips as Lena slid the material down Bianca’s legs.
Soon, they were off and lying on the floor. Bianca got into a seated position and raised her arms. The shirt soon joined the underwear on the floor.
Lena gazed unhurriedly upon Bianca’s naked body. Starting with Bianca’s face, which was flushed with desire, down to her breasts – a bounty to behold, down her extended belly, finally to the thatch of dark hair between Bianca’s legs.
She wanted to etch the moment in her mind, set it in stone, so she might recall it as many times as she liked.
Bianca in the meanwhile was getting nervous – Lena was staring at her, she hadn’t said a word and Bianca couldn’t take the scrutiny any longer and turned away.
“Bianca? What’s wrong? Please tell me.” Lena was concerned.
“I... I’m repulsive to you.”
“What? How can you say that?” Lena asked incredulously. “Why would you think that?”
“You... you’re just staring at me – you were doing more before you took the shirt off...”
Lena bridged the gap between them. “Oh my Darling. No. No, you mustn’t think that...”
“It’s just been so long... and... and...” Bianca was in near tears by this time.
“Bianca, you do not repulse me. You take my breath away – you can never...” she bent down and kissed Bianca’s forehead. “Ever,” first one cheek, then the other. “Repulse me.” Lena promised as she kissed Bianca’s lips tenderly – slowly.
“You are perfection...” Lena explained as she moved down, kissing each inch of Bianca’s skin until she reached Bianca’s right breast. “to me.” Lena took Bianca’s nipple in her mouth – her tongue swirling around the nipple, taking her time to reacquaint herself with it. “You are...” she said as she kissed her way over to the left breast, “a work of art.”
Bianca had been holding back at first – she wasn’t sure what Lena was going to do. She couldn’t withstand the tender onslaught of emotions that bombarded her as Lena paid homage to her breasts.
“How can I ever find your body repulsive?” Lena asked, placing kisses along the expanse of Bianca’s stomach, dipping her tongue in to Bianca’s navel.
Bianca moaned in delight – her hands tangling themselves in Lena’s hair, her legs opening of their own volition.
“You are carrying our child,” Lena whispered as she moved lower. She could smell Bianca’s desire rising from her. “I love you, now and always.”
As soon as Bianca heard those words pass Lena’s mouth, she felt Lena’s tongue – her fingers exploring.
“Lena... Lena... oh God... baby...” Bianca panted, her head moving from side to side, her hips lifting off the bed, trying to maintain contact with Lena’s mouth.
Lena lost herself in Bianca’s body – touching – tasting – feeling. She had no idea how she existed for so long without this woman in her life. With each swipe of her tongue Lena grabbed a hold of life, determined never to let it go. As she delved further – she sensed that Bianca would not hold out much longer. She could already feel the tremors in Bianca’s muscles – her hips moving faster.
“Lena... ri... right there... don’t stop... yes... yes... God,” Bianca gasped as she felt her orgasm building. She wasn’t surprised that it was coming so quickly – she expected as much, Lena was an outstanding lover.
Lena continued her efforts – her fingers and tongue working in tandem. She needed this to be perfect. It had to be.
“Lena!!!” Bianca shouted as her hands clenched the sheets as wave after wave of pleasure crashed upon her.
Lena greedily went after every last drop of Bianca’s release.
“Oh GOD!!” Bianca cried out as she was hit by another orgasm taking her completely by surprise. “No... more... please,” she begged.
“No more. I... I can’t take anymore,” Bianca gasped. “Lena... Lena... what’s,” she swallowed. “What is it?” she managed to say as she noticed Lena at a stand still, almost as if she were afraid to move.
“You said to stop... I...”
“Oh Lena... come here baby,” Bianca requested as she reached out to her. “I’m sorry,” Bianca said as she kissed Lena tasting herself. “I... you were amazing, again. I... I just didn’t think I could take anymore.”
“Are you sure?”
Bianca kissed Lena once again, “Oh yeah... I’m positive,” she said smiling.
Lena breathed a sigh of relief before stifling a yawn.
“Are you tired?” Bianca asked.
“Exhausted – in a very good way,” Lena replied as she grabbed the covers and brought them up, covering their bodies.
“I’m fine my Angel,” she said as she kissed Bianca’s forehead.
“But... I don’t understand.”
“Don’t worry. I need you to trust me.”
“Of course I do.”
“I’m deliriously happy, besides, there’s always the morning,” Lena explained as she settled behind Bianca. “It isn’t always about mutual satisfaction sweetheart. I could make love to you forever – and you are most likely wiped up...”
“It’s wiped out and I am a little tired,” she admitted, smiling.
“Ah, wiped out. Thank you my darling,” Lena told her. “Good night Bianca,” Lena said as she nuzzled her neck.
“Good night Lena.” Bianca was still somewhat puzzled by Lena’s behavior then she glanced behind her and saw the smile on Lena’s face. It was different – then it hit her. She had the same smile or one quite similar to it the night they had made love the first time. Bianca closed her eyes and drifted off before she was aware of it.
|Section 4||A. M. Glass||AMC||The L Word||Main Index|