Title: Looking Back
Author: A.M. Glass
Copyright: February 21st -, 2004.
Rating(s): PG-13 - NC-17
“Umm,” Bianca yawned as she stretched out – noticing the lassitude she felt throughout her body. Oh yeah, last night rocked, she mused as a smile came over her face. She brought her right hand over to Lena’s side of the bed and frowned.
The sheets were cold.
Turning over she called out, “Lena?” she waited a few seconds before trying again, “Lena... are you here?”
Pushing herself up, Bianca shivered as the sheet slipped away leaving her exposed. She got out of bed and walked around it. Spotting her shirt on the floor – which puzzled her as Lena was a stickler for having everything in its place – she slipped it on and went into the main room of the suite.
She didn’t bother calling out, it was obvious Lena wasn’t here.
Where was she?
I shouldn’t be here. I shouldn’t be here. I should be back at the hotel, with my arms wrapped around Bianca. Lena thought to herself as she sat in the rental car. She merely needed some time to think, so she went out and bought a cup of coffee.
She wasn’t foolish enough to go to The Planet she went elsewhere, however on her way back she found herself parking across the street from the store.
Lena hadn’t lied to Bianca – she was the woman she wanted to spend the rest of her life with and had no intentions of doing anything to jeopardize their relationship. This was something Lena felt she had no control over.
She knew she was only torturing herself by doing this yet there was a part of her, the one that never recovered from Marina’s betrayal – from the sudden loss of something she never anticipated experiencing again, that still felt the connection to the other woman.
She felt it yesterday albeit briefly.
Why did Marina have to pop back into her life now? Was this her chance for... her train of thought stopped as she saw a car pull up.
Lena gasped. It was her. It was Marina. Oh my God, she was looking in her direction. Had she been spotted? She fought the sudden urge to hide.
Who was the young brunette who came out of the store and pulled Marina into a hug? Lena could see them smiling at each other before walking back inside, Marina’s arm casually draped around the woman’s shoulders.
It’s none of my business. Lena gripped the steering wheel tighter. Marina can be with whomever she wishes. She needed to get back to Bianca. She’s probably awake by now.
Bianca had taken a shower – hoping by the time she got out Lena would have returned, she hadn’t.
Although Bianca wasn’t hungry, she ordered room service anyway and was nibbling on a piece of toast – the television on in the background filling the room with useless noise – when she heard the door to the suite opening.
She glanced at the door briefly before returning to the calendar section of The Los Angeles Times. Lena will tell me where she went – I know she will.
Lena stepped through the door and spotted Bianca having breakfast. Damn, she’s up. Closing the door behind her, she placed her bag on the end table and walked to Bianca. “Hello my darling,” she said keeping her voice bright as she kissed Bianca on the cheek before sitting down next to her.
The silence grew steadily, neither of them ready to ask or answer any questions.
Tell me Lena, please.
I have to tell her – I need to.
“Well, it looks like we’re in for another gorgeous day today, with highs in the mid-seventies. Downtown Los Angeles is looking at a high of eighty, while the Inland Empire and the Valleys will get a break from the heat as they hover around the upper seventies. I’m Johnny Mountain and this has been your KABC local weather. We now return you to Good Morning America.”
Bianca stood up from the table and excused herself going back to the bedroom and closing the door behind her.
Damn it Kundera – what is wrong with you! The woman you claim is the love of your life walks away from you – closing you out and all you can do is sit here? Lena’s inner voice raged. Get off your ass and do something before every step you two have taken to get to this place is lost!
Lena pushed away from the table and strode purposely to the bedroom door – pausing in front of it. She couldn’t just barge in, she might startle Bianca and that wouldn’t be good for the baby. She raised her hand and knocked, “Bianca... may I come in?”
“It’s your room too,” she heard through the door.
Lena winced. This was bad. Taking a deep breath to steady her nerves, Lena opened the door.
Bianca was sitting in one of the chairs on the balcony that provided a wonderful view of the Los Angeles skyline.
Lena went and squatted next to Bianca. She reached for Bianca’s hand – she was annoyed with herself when she felt her flinch. Bringing Bianca’s hand up to her lips Lena kissed it, then rubbed it against her cheek. “I’m sorry I wasn’t here this morning,” she said softly.
Bianca looked down briefly then returned her gaze to the skyline. She wasn’t going to interrupt Lena’s explanation.
“I should have left a note letting you know I would be back shortly – not to worry.”
Yeah, you should have, Bianca thought.
Kneeling, Lena took in the view as well. “When I woke up this morning... I felt as if last night had been a glorious dream – one I didn’t wish to wake from. You were in my arms, as usual, but it only took a second for my brain to catch up with what I felt. You were naked – I hadn’t dreamt it, I had made love to you last night,” Lena said as she quickly looked in Bianca’s direction – she was still gazing out the window. “I wanted to wake you so I could thank you – kiss you – make love to you once more, but as we both know, that didn’t happen.”
“I... I was scared,” Lena admitted.
“Of what?” Bianca asked as she looked down, their eyes locked on each other.
“I... I don’t understand – why would you be scared of us?”
“I thought that perhaps when you woke up...”
“I might have changed my mind?” Bianca guessed.
“Yes,” Lena agreed. “Or you might have regretted it.”
“Is that why you left?”
Ah... now comes the tricky part, Lena thought. “That was one... of the reasons, yes.”
“There was more than one?”
Sighing deeply, Lena released Bianca’s hand. “I had gone out – the sole purpose was to think about us – to think about how you were going to react once you woke up. I bought a cup of coffee and I was on my way back...” she trailed off.
“I... I stopped by The Planet...” Lena watched as Bianca’s eyes widen in surprise. “I didn’t go inside – I parked across the street. I don’t know what I was thinking...” Lena said hurriedly.
“Did you see her?” Bianca’s heart was beating rapidly she had to calm down. She had to – this wasn’t good for Miranda.
Lena’s head bent down, “Yes,” she replied softly. She hated hearing the wounded tone in Bianca’s voice.
“Did... did you talk to her?”
“No,” she shook her head. “Someone came outside to meet her and they went inside.”
“That’s when you decided to come back?”
Bianca thought about what she was going to ask next. Did she want to hear the answer? “Do you... do you still have feelings for her Lena?”
Her first response was to say: No. Absolutely not. She couldn’t do that however. “Not like you...” Lena paused. Bianca deserved nothing but the truth. “Bianca... you know how much I love you?”
Oh God – this is bad, Bianca thought. “Yes.”
“You asked if I still have feelings for Marina – I did not think so. I haven’t thought about her in a long time. Seeing her yesterday... it brought back not only the pain I felt...”
Lena took both of Bianca’s hands in hers, “I swear to you,” she squeezed them, “On my life – it was only for a second.”
“You felt what.” Bianca dreaded this.
“I felt the attraction...”
I’m going to lose her. I’m going to lose her.
“This morning, when I saw her – the other person, was a woman – I told myself it didn’t matter who she was with...”
“No... no – you were jealous,” Bianca stood up from the chair, pulling her hands out of Lena’s grasp and walked away. No. God no.
Lena quickly got to her feet, “Bianca wait.” She had to fix this.
“I appreciate your honesty,” Bianca said, turning around. Her chin quivering, her eyes bright with unshed tears.
“I don’t love her Bianca – I love you.” Lena told her.
With tears streaming down her face, Bianca said, “Lena, I know you do, but you still have issues with Marina – you should take care of those first. If you’ll excuse me.”
“Sweetheart... don’t leave me, please.” Her life was unraveling.
“I’m not going anywhere – I just want to be alone for a little while, okay?”
“This is not fair,” Lena protested.
“Not fair?” What was she talking about?
“Stop right there Lena. Don’t say another word,” she shook her head in disbelief. “You can’t possibly compare Maggie and Marina – you can’t. Those are two different circumstances,” she stopped. “I don’t think this is going to get us anywhere. I think you should call Melissa.”
“What?” She wants me to call my therapist?
“She’ll be more objective about this than I will. I have too much at stake, too much to lose.”
Lena was prepared to tell Bianca that they could work it out – that they – or rather she did not need to speak with her therapist, when it dawned on her. Perhaps Bianca was correct. Maybe she needed to speak with someone who had no vested interest in the outcome. Melissa had been a Godsend the last six months or so. Shed always been honest with her, had made her admit to things she’d rather left alone.
“You’re right. She did say I could call if I needed.”
“I don’t want to fight with you, I only want to love you.”
“I don’t want anything else Bianca.”
“Lena...” her voice breaking as she looked at her.
“Yes.” What could she do to take the frightened look from Bianca’s eyes, all she had to do was ask and it was hers.
“Please hold me.” She couldn’t take it anymore. She needed to feel Lena’s arms around her. Needed to feel safe.
Lena was at her side holding on to her in a heartbeat. “I’m sorry... I’m so sorry,” she cried as she stroked Bianca’s hair. She would call Melissa as soon as Bianca calmed down.
“Don’t let me go...”
“Never,” Lena replied holding tighter. Damn Marina. Damn Me.
“Jenny what are you doing here so early?” Marina asked as they walked through the door.
“Tim had to get to practice...”
“Ah... I see,” Marina smiled knowingly.
“I hope you don’t mind that I dropped by – you seemed awfully preoccupied yesterday.”
Had it only been yesterday that my life was turned inside out? Marina thought. “About that, an old acquaintance happened to show up unexpectedly...”
“Oh. I guess you two had some catching up to do?”
Marina had to set Jenny’s mind at ease, “Come to my office?”
Jenny nodded as she followed. It had felt so good to hold Marina outside. Jenny knew she wasn’t open in displaying her feelings where Marina was concerned, at least not with other people around. The thought that Tim might catch her in a moment of weakness was always on her mind, which made her extra cautious about her interactions with Marina. She didn’t want to hurt Tim, she loved him, she did. Marina was just Marina. There was no rhyme or reason to it. It just was.
Marina held the door to her office open, letting Jenny pass by before closing and locking it. She had learned her lesson well.
Jenny smiled as she heard the door locking behind her.
Marina quickly closed the gap between them and kissed Jenny, her tongue slipping easily inside Jenny’s mouth as her hands roamed over her body.
Jenny lost herself in Marina’s kiss, she whimpered as Marina’s hand slipped under her shirt and cupped her breast, her thumb circling her nipple over the bra.
Tearing her mouth away, Marina began to kiss down Jenny’s neck – biting – nibbling – on her skin carefully, always restraining her ardor. Marks that Jenny could not explain were avoided at all costs, much to her dismay.
Marina reached lower unbuttoning and pulling the zipper down on the kaki’s that were a part of Jenny’s uniform, slipped her hand beneath the waistband of Jenny’s panties and was pleased to find her wet. Wasting no time, Marina plunged two fingers inside.
“Oh God!” Jenny groaned as Marina’s fingers filled her.
Marina bent down and took Jenny’s nipple in her mouth through her shirt and bra, biting on the nipple.
Jenny wrapped her arms around Marina, her hips jerking, “Oh fuck... fuck me!”
Marina continued to plunge her fingers in and out of Jenny’s pussy, while her thumb circled her clit, determined to drive Jenny insane.
They stood in the middle of her office, Jenny forcing her body down onto Marina’s fingers, clutching her back, holding on for dear life. Their breathing filling the room – Jenny’s groans punctuating each thrust, every bite. Sweat beginning to form on their foreheads as they both gave and took from each other.
“Come for me Jenny,” Marina grunted in her ear, biting on the earlobe, her fingers finding the rough patch of skin she knew once she started rubbing on would trip Jenny’s orgasm.
“Oh God... oh God... fuck!!” Jenny cried out as her body quaked around Marina’s fingers.
Marina waited until Jenny had finally relaxed, releasing the grip on her fingers long enough for her to slip them out of the warm haven they had been in. She brought them to her mouth and while Jenny’s eyes fluttered open, Marina slowly tasted Jenny’s essence.
Jenny licked her lips – her legs were still shaking after her orgasm. She couldn’t get over the intensity of it. She watched as Marina sucked on her fingers, she was entranced by the raw sexuality of it. She pulled Marina by her blouse and crushed their lips together.
Marina’s body began trembling with want.
Want of Jenny’s mouth, her fingers and her tongue.
She wanted more of her.
Breaking the kiss, Marina grabbed Jenny by the hand and led her to her desk. She lifted Jenny’s right leg, took her shoe off, tossing it behind her and pulled Jenny’s pants down, freeing her right leg. She grabbed her by the waist and with little effort put her on the desk.
Marina ran her hand up Jenny’s legs, slowly parting them. She looked into Jenny’s face and saw the hunger she felt reflected back. Wasting no time, Marina reached behind her and grabbed her chair and sat down. She pulled Jenny’s legs closer to the edge of the desk and began feasting on her.
Bracing her arms on the desktop, Jenny raised her hips, pushing herself against Marina’s mouth, her tongue. Her body shuddered each time Marina would suck on her clit, circling it with her tongue until she thought she’d die.
Marina continued her oral attack on Jenny, before slipping her fingers back inside, she could hear Jenny’s pleas for more – harder – faster, all of which she gave willingly.
Jenny body went taut as she felt Marina’s lips around her clit once more, flicking, sucking, nibbling carefully ‘til she couldn’t take it anymore. “Oh Fuck!!” she cried out her as she hips practically flew off the desk.
Marina continued until she heard Jenny gasping for breath. She slowly licked her lips and stood up, she took Jenny into her arms and held her tight.
Jenny’s mind was still reeling. It had been phenomenal. She smiled as she returned the hug, her smiled turned to horror. “Oh shit!!” Jenny cried out.
“What is it?” Marina asked as she pulled away.
“I’m gonna be late for work,” she said as she hopped off the desk, looking at the clock.
Marina watched as Jenny hurriedly pulled her pants back on and hopped on her left foot while putting on her other shoe.
“I’m sorry Marina...”
“It’s okay – I understand.”
“I’ll make it up, I promise,” she said as she quickly kissed Marina and left the office.
Marina sat down after Jenny left and thought about what happened. She and Jenny had had rushed encounters before – that was not new or unusual – however the lack of feeling afterwards, was.
Every time they had been together, Marina had felt a sense of contentment wash over her – making every second of their time together special. It was one of the signs that had alerted her that Jenny was indeed different.
She gazed at her hand, turning it over – the smell of sex was in the air – any other time...
Marina quickly pushed away from the desk and ran to the bathroom, barely making it to one of the stalls before throwing up.
* * *
“Yes, I have his name and number,” Lena replied into the telephone. “Are you sure he’ll be able to see us today?”
“Yes, I had Abby contact him while I had you on hold. We go back a long way...”
“It’s fine. I only wish I could be of more help to you right now.”
“You’ve done enough... more than enough.”
“We’ll set up an appointment to talk when you get back, okay?”
“I’d like that,” Lena paused, “Melissa...”
“Have I ruined everything?”
Melissa could hear the anguish in Lena’s voice and honestly wished she could give her the answer she wanted to hear. They had talked about, had gone through so much together in the past seven months, that she privately hoped Lena would finally be free of the guilt she still harbored.
“I’m not sure,” Melissa finally replied, hearing Lena sigh on the other end. “We didn’t or rather we’ve never discussed Marina before until now. I do believe that this is the best thing, getting things out in the open. That has been and probably still continues to be the major source of problems on both sides. You both hid things – issues trying to protect each other...”
“Yes and we both paid for that indiscretion,” Lena added.
“Yet look how far you’ve come. I know you were having issues about the lack of intimacy, about not pushing...”
Melissa’s eyebrows arched – she wished she had Lena in front of her instead of over the phone. “Has there been a change on that front?”
“I take it that you’ve gone farther than kissing?”
“Okay,” she nodded. “I won’t ask for details now...”
“Of course not... you’ll wait until you can drag it out of me later right?” Lena asked playfully.
“You know me too well and on that note, I’ll see you when you get back.”
“All right, thank you again Melissa.”
“Don’t thank me, just get through this.”
“I’ll do my best.”
“That’s all I can ask, goodbye Lena. Give my best to Bianca.”
“I will, good bye.”
“You really like her don’t you?” Bianca asked from the couch.
Lena hung up the phone. “I don’t know how I could have gotten through this without her help,” Lena answered honestly.
“I’m glad you had someone to turn to,” Bianca said softly.
“She sends her best,” Lena said as she sat down next to Bianca. They had finally moved out of the bedroom an hour ago and only when Lena thought Bianca had calmed down sufficiently enough had she placed the call to her therapist. “We didn’t have plans for tonight did we?” Lena asked.
“Nothing that can’t be postponed.”
“Would you go with me to see someone?”
“A doctor. His name is Dan Foxworthy, Melissa made an appointment...”
“Of course I will,” Bianca readily agreed.
Lena nodded. “Thank you. Is there anything you’d like to do? The appointment isn’t until three-thirty,” Lena asked not sure what to say. “Didn’t you want to go to that museum?”
“I think that’s the one.”
“Not right now – maybe before we leave?”
Lena sighed before looking down. “I feel so lost right now – I don’t know what to do or say. I’m frightened that one wrong move – one wrong word will destroy what we’ve accomplished, where we are,” Lena confessed.
Bianca reached out and took Lena’s hand in hers shaking her head at how cold it was. “I feel the same way – and I hate that I feel jealous about her. I know you love me, it goes without saying – I’m just scared – I’m hormonal...” she said.
Lena wrapped her arm around Bianca’s shoulders, drawing her closer and placing a kiss on her cheek. “We will get through this – I know we will.”
* * *
Marina stared at her reflection in the mirror as she rinsed out her mouth and was not pleased by what she saw.
Her eyes were bloodshot – her face pale, she was a mess. Brushing her hair back behind her ears she turned off the water. Grabbing a few paper towels, she dried her hands and face.
“I will get through this – I will,” she said out loud before leaving the bathroom.
“So what did you think of him?” Bianca asked as they left Dr. Foxworthy’s office.
“He’s not Melissa that’s for sure,” Lena answered as she held the door open for Bianca.
“You know,” Bianca said as she turned to face Lena, “We don’t have to go to that couples meeting later on... if you don’t want.”
“That’s very kind of you sweetheart,” Lena replied as she pushed the lobby doors open and stepped outside. “I think we should go... it can’t hurt.”
“Okay. Do you want to grab something to eat?”
“As a matter of fact, I thought me might go to this place called Pinks – it’s on La Brea.”
“Yes. I’m experiencing a craving,” she placed her hand on Bianca’s stomach slowly circling Miranda, “For a hot dog.”
Bianca laughed out loud, “Thank God it’s not anchovies, hot fudge and pistachio ice cream.”
Lena looked blankly at Bianca, “Anchovies and...”
“Don’t tell me you’ve never seen the “I Love Lucy” episode...”
“Where Ricky starts to eat the concoction Lucy is having?” She paused, “Why yes. I do believe I have seen that one – once or ten times.” Lena smiled.
They smiled at each other – for a moment forgetting the situation that brought them to Dr. Foxworthy’s office in the first place.
“Shall we go?”
“Why not – I think Miranda and I would like a hot dog.”
They walked to the parking lot and left.
* * *
“Bette... Tina’s on line one.”
“Thanks... hey Babe. Are you okay?”
“Is it the baby?”
We’re both doing fine,” Tina replied smiling as she rubbed her stomach. It tickled her that Bette was always asking about the baby. They had both worked so hard on getting pregnant that it was a joy to see her happy. She’ll never forget the look of wonder and disbelief mixed with love when Bette had found out she was... they were having a baby.
The feel of Bette’s arms around her, the way she kissed her stomach. The tenderness she had never quite experienced before when they made love that night. It had been magical.
There was one thing Tina knew, Bette was going to make a wonderful mother. No matter what Melvin had said.
Bette felt a weight lifting off her shoulders. She wanted every thing regarding the pregnancy to go smoothly. She regretted the way her father had treated Tina and the news about the baby when they had dinner weeks ago.
How dare he say the hurtful things – the baby was not nor ever would be his grandchild. It was a “biological impossibility”. Bette had lost so much – love – respect – admiration for him that it seemed impossible for her to ever consider speaking with him again.
She had been doing every thing in her power to reassure Tina that this baby, their baby was a miracle and no matter what – the baby was as much a part of her as Tina.
“What’s going on? Not that I don’t like hearing from you.” She asked as she went over the photos slides for her presentation.
“I just wanted to remind you that tonight’s the night for the couples’ meeting with Dr. Foxworthy.”
Bette rolled her eyes. She couldn’t stand Dr. Foxworthy. She thought he was an ass. “Tina...”
“Baby... I think it’ll be good for us,” Tina replied hearing Bette’s hesitation as she walked around the kitchen putting dishes away.
“Pick me up by six-thirty otherwise we’ll be late.”
“All right. Tina I’ve got to go...”
“Don’t work too hard.”
“I’ll try not to.”
“I love you,” Tina whispered.
“I love you too, I’ll see you later.”
Bette frowned as she stared at the phone prior to hanging it up. She loved Tina, there was hardly a doubt about that, but there were times when she was by herself, when she questioned whether or not she was still in love with her.
Leaning back in her chair, Bette rubbed her eyes. She was exhausted. Going after Provocations was a bold move on her part considering the Board of Trustees’ had been adamant about showing the Impressionist in Winter... once again.
Didn’t they have a concept of what art was about? Bette thought privately that none of the board members would recognize a true artist if they were bit in the ass.
Now all she had to do was get a hold of Peggy Peabody.
* * *
“I’m so glad we came here,” Bianca said as she took a bite out of her second chilidog.
Lena smiled as she watched Bianca eat with such enthusiasm, “I’m glad you liked it,” she replied before taking another sip from her drink.
They had been fortunate to find a parking space down the block, as they approached the small establishment, Bianca voiced her concerns. The line was indeed very long.
Lena had explained that the lines were always long and that if Bianca had patience it would be worth the wait.
“What time is it?” Bianca asked as she wiped her mouth – spotting some chili on her fingers brought them to her mouth and licked them clean. “Umm... Lena? Lena?”
“Hmm,” she replied getting lost at the sight of Bianca licking her fingers. Get a grip woman, she told herself.
Bianca was puzzled and followed Lena’s gaze. What could be so fascinating about my... oh God.
Lena finally heard the question Bianca had posed through the haze she’d found herself in by the innocent gesture on Bianca’s part. “I’m sorry Sweet...” she stopped. Why is she moving her hand away... oh no. Why does this have to be so fucking hard? “I apologize Bianca... I had no intention of making you uncomfortable.”
Bianca looked down briefly, angry with herself for over reacting. “It’s okay... really.”
“I’m just going to throw the trash away,” Lena said as she got up from the table and walked away. Why does it have to be one step forward, five steps back?
“This has got to stop,” Bianca muttered to herself.
“Would you like to go back to the hotel, freshen up a bit? We still have two hours before the couples meeting.”
“I’m alright – unless you want to go back?”
“Why don’t we just drive around?”
“That sounds like a plan.” Bianca agreed.
Lena waited until Bianca had moved from the table before walking back to the rental car.
They walked in silence, neither sure of what to say to the other.
Lena opened the car door for Bianca, waiting for her to settle herself before closing it.
I will not let her slip away again, Lena told herself as she got into the car, and pulled out into traffic. Lena reached out and took Bianca’s hand in hers squeezing it gently before letting go.
What are we going to do Lena? Bianca thought.
* * *
“Okay, I’ll see you tomorrow and don’t forget to follow up on that lead I told you about.”
“I’ll take care of it Bette, see you later.”
“I’m leaving right now, I should be home,” Bette glances down at her watch. “In about half an hour give or take a few minutes.” She says into the cell phone.
“I’ll be ready. Love you.”
“Gotta go, you too.”
* * *
“Marina... you look like shit,” Alice exclaimed as she sat down.
“Thank you for stating the obvious,” she said as she placed a cup of coffee she had gotten for her friend as soon as she saw her.
“I need to see her.”
“Her? OH... her! Are you sure you want to do that?”
“I’m not sure of anything anymore,” Marina confessed. “When I saw her yesterday...”
“You’re still attracted to her,” Alice stated.
“Yes. I have to do something.”
“Like what? Profess your undying love for her? Beg her to forgive you? Tell her you made the biggest mistake in your life and you want the chance to fix things? Make it up? Get over it Marina – it’s not going to happen.”
“You mean like you should get over Gabby? You let her walk all over you... I’m... I’m sorry Alice. I was out of line.”
“Nah – it’s fine. Gabby’s a bitch, I know it. It’s just... the sex is great,” Alice grinned dreamily.
Marina laughed out loud. She knew a thing or two about great sex.
“What are you going to do?”
“I wish I had an idea.”
“Well, you’d better figure it out fast...”
Alice gestured towards the door.
“Jenny,” Marina whispered.
|Section 5||A. M. Glass||AMC||The L Word||Main Index|