Title: History always repeats itself
Spoilers: Bloodlines, season 5 I guess
Pairing: Sara/Catherine, Catherine/other
Disclaimer: Still not mine
A/N: I can’t seem to shake off the notion of Catherine cheating on Sara out of my mind. Besides, it fuels my angsty muse. The right decision is a sequel of sorts to this fic. Originally written for a cathandsara livejournal challenge.
"Come on, I’ll drive you home."
I let Grissom drive me home, and his silence is not helping my pent up frustration at all. He is the last person I want to see right now. All it takes is just one word for me to break, and that is not a good thing.
I have a good idea what he's going to say next, and I cut him off before he could go any further.
"Don't, Grissom. Just...don't."
He quirked his eyebrow, indicating he wants to say something but he's unsure.
"Sara..." He started again.
"I said don't, Gris. Which part of don't do you not understand?" I can feel my blood boiling now, there is no turning back.
"Sara, I understand why you did that but you have to learn to let go or else you'll just be consumed by the weight."
Oh boy he did not just say what I think he said.
"You understand? I don't think you do, Grissom."
He winced slightly at my raised voice, and for a moment I regret doing that.
"I know the past few months haven't been easy on you. First the lab explosion, then the promotion." He paused for a moment, as if waiting for a rebuttal from me. When he didn't receive any, he continued. "I know you feel cornered, left out, but Sara, you have to let that go."
"You want to talk about the promotion? Fine, let's talk about the promotion." I'm pacing in my living room now, an old habit when I'm trying to stay calm. "You gave everyone a chance but me, Gris. What, you think that I'm not good enough? That I might get too involved and lose track?"
He took a deep breath, and I can see the fatigue in his eyes. If this had happened years ago, I would have hugged him, but not now. He's nothing but my boss and a friend to me.
"I didn't give you a chance because I know for a fact that you are capable of it, Sara. I have every confidence in you to get the job done, but it's your people skills that need working on."
"Why does everyone think I need to work on my people skills?" I'm clenching my fists now. This is not going anywhere. I don't want to do anything that I might regret later. "You know what, Grissom, I think you should leave. Right now."
Eyes wide, he was a little surprised. But instead of arguing with me, he stood up and left. Watching him leave, I feel some of the frustration leaving my body. Perhaps I have been keeping it inside for too long. I take a few deep breaths to calm myself down, and when I do, I grabbed my keys and headed to my car.
I spent the next hour driving around town, not knowing where I want to go. When I finally stopped, I found myself in front of Catherine's house. Before a smile touches my lips, I caught sight of a sports car in the driveway.
Didn't Catherine say she was spending the day with her sister? Maybe that's her car.
A part of me is screaming that the sports car looked familiar. Then I remembered seeing it at the CSI building parking lot a few times. I used my key to get into the house, given to me by Catherine early in our relationship. It's strange how we can go at each other's throats at work but when we're off duty we can barely keep our hands off each other.
The first thing that I noticed when I got in was the sounds coming from upstairs. Instinctively I reached for my sidearm and started up the stairs. Then the sounds registered. They were sounds that are only meant to be heard in the bedroom.
At that moment, everything clicked. My worst nightmare came true, confirmed by the sounds that are getting louder by the minute. I holstered back my sidearm, and headed to the living room to sit down. I needed to think, and I don't need to hear Catherine and that guy's moans.
This is the worst place to be right now, sober and heartbroken. I made up my mind, and I grabbed a piece of paper to scribble a note to Catherine.
History always repeats itself.
I took my house key out of her keychain, and hers out of mine, and placed her key on top of the note. I told myself that I would not cry, not while I'm still in her house, so I left without looking back.
When I got into the car I fished my phone out of my pocket and dialed Grissom's number. I told him that I needed to take two additional days off, and he agreed without putting up much fight.
"So what are you going to do for three days?" He knows me well enough to know I won't lie to him, but I do.
"I'm going to visit my parents," I said matter-of-factly. "And Gris, I'd appreciate if you don't tell anyone where I'm at."
"Understood," he said softly. Perhaps when I come back from this little vacation we will mend the friendship, but not now. "Take care of yourself, Sara."
His words are dripped with guilt, and I know he is blaming himself for my current state. When I get back, we will straighten that out. For now, I need to get away.
I went back to the lab, hoping that no one would notice my presence, but no such luck. I cleared out my locker as fast as possible, and snuck back out before a familiar figure appeared. Brass spotted me walking out of the locker door with a bag in tow, and he must have guessed what's happening.
"Going for a little trip, Sara?"
"Yeah, I’m going to visit my parents in Tamales Bay." I know he could tell I was lying.
"Huh." His answer confirmed it, but he wasn't calling me on it. "Well, have fun in California then."
I just lied to the two people I respect the most, yet the guilt is nothing compared to the ice pick that has been lunging at my heart. I know keeping up with this moping around is not healthy for me, but I don't care.
After a stop at the grocery store, I arrived home. It's a good thing that it's my night off today. I definitely need the time to sort my thoughts out. I decided to take a long bath. It's time I start to pamper myself. My body relaxed when I lowered myself into the tub, and I can feel the stress of the day slowing sinking away.
I settled on a comfortable position, and my mind immediately went back to Catherine. My one female lover, and she betrayed me like the rest of the men I've dated. I should have seen this coming. I ignored the signs, just like I did with Hank.
The water is getting cold, so I quickly finish up my bath and towel off. I must not have heard the phone ring, because there is a message waiting for me. I'm hoping that it isn't Catherine, and I am granted my wish. Grissom obviously told the team that I won't be in for three days, and Greg is the one that called to check on me. If I weren't so in love with Catherine I think I would go out with him. But of course he doesn't need to know that.
I'm a little disappointed that Catherine did not call, but I don't expect her to care about me. I know the past few months have been nothing but a lie that I should have spotted earlier. The need to drink is strong, but I stay away from the bottle, for I have some thinking to do.
Somehow I've spent the whole evening pondering how I'm going to handle seeing Catherine again. Try as I might, I could not get angry at her. No, my anger is directed at myself. Another moment of vulnerability meant another reason for people to look down on me. I've had enough of people putting me down, treating me as though I don't care how they treat me.
I can't seem to sleep tonight, so I take some sleeping pills to help me along. As I slowly drift off to sleep I can hear a banging sound. Must be the college kid next door trying to study again while her eardrums are being abused.
Something about the way Grissom mentioned that Sara won't be coming in for three days worried me. I know she went to the bar with Nick and Warrick, and I had lied to her that I was going to spend the day with my sister. Of all the things that I could do to hurt her, I chose to cheat on her. There was never a doubt in my mind that when she finds out it won't be a pretty sight. I am prepared for the confrontation. My gut feeling tells me that she already knows.
As soon as shift was over, I drove to her apartment. Her car is still around, so that means she's in. Her key is missing from my keychain, and I can feel my heart take a dive. I hesitated for a moment before knocking on her door, unsure of what to say. I've been standing here for fifteen minutes now, and there is still no reply. I called her cell phone, but I can hear it ringing inside. Wherever she went, she must have left in a hurry. I rested my palm on the door, hoping that the touch would somehow make her appear behind that door, but no such luck.
I know I screwed up. Despite the little voice inside my head telling me that it's for the better, I'm thinking of ways to get her back. There is millions of Chris around, but there is only one Sara. A little too late to realize that, but I hope I'm not too late.
The moment I arrived home, memories of my previous day's actions came back to haunt me. Why did I bring him home with me? More importantly, why did I want to cheat on her in the first place?
More questions surfaced as I walk around my living room. I'm tired but my body is refusing to rest. Then something on the coffee table caught my eye. Instantly I recognized it. I held the key in my hand, and picked up the note underneath with the other.
History always repeats itself.
Fuck. Even though I had expected Sara to find out about it, I hadn't expected her to find out this way. This is worse than I thought. No wonder she took time off. Of all the fuck ups I made, this is by far the worst.
I need to make this right, and it doesn’t matter if I have to cry, beg or crawl. I am getting Sara back.
The right decision
Shift just started, and Sara’s already out at the crime scene with Nick. After having spent her mini vacation contemplating what to do about Catherine, Sara felt that she was ready.
Taking a deep breath to steady herself, she walked in to the CSI building. The lab is empty, and she’s glad that she didn’t run into Catherine. But Sara knew her luck will run out soon. Working on the evidence they collected took up most of the shift, and before long Sara found herself standing in front of her locker putting on her leather jacket.
Sneaking a peek at the door, then back to Catherine’s locker, Sara knew the minute she sees Catherine, whatever rule she made during her vacation will be blown away. Still she tries to forget the pain and focus on her job.
Sara is glad that they had missed each other, because a part of her wanted to lash out at Catherine, and she doesn’t want that to happen. She wanted Catherine to feel the pain and the hurt that the blonde had put her through, but Sara is tired of fighting and she’s out of tears. She wondered if this was God’s way of telling her that she made a right decision.
Chuckling softly to herself, she did not notice the figure standing in the dark corner, watching her every move. Sara left the locker room, and so did the dark figure. Sara headed for her car, and this time, the dark figure chose to reveal itself.
Sara knew she was being followed. She knew it was Catherine, for she could sense her presence, even though she couldn’t see the other person. Her hands clenched into fists reflexively, and she had to mentally tell herself to relax.
“Yeah?” she said, turning around to face Catherine.
Ocean blue eyes gazed into dark orbs, and immediately tears start to well up.
“I’m sorry,” Catherine said quietly, her eyes fixed on a spot on the ground.
“No you’re not.”
Catherine’s head shot up quickly at Sara’s reply. “Sara, I-I didn’t mean…”
“But you did it anyway.” At this point Sara was already fuming, but she hid it well. She didn’t want Catherine to see how hurt she was, and it took all of her willpower to stay in control of her emotions. “You made the right decision, by the way.”
“What?” The blonde’s shock was evident. She had expected Sara to put up a fight. Catherine moved closer to her, but the look Sara had pinned her with told her otherwise, so she stood as close as she can to Sara.
“I said you made the right decision,” Sara replied with just a tinge of hurt in her voice. “It’s better this way.”
“For you or for me?” Catherine was frustrated. She wanted Sara to fight, yell or shout at her. Anything to tell her that Sara was hurting, but Sara did none of that.
Not taking the bait, Sara concentrated on her breathing. Catherine’s comment was the signal that she was waiting for, an ok sign for her to let out her anger. But instead of lashing out at Catherine, she took a deep breath, and looked at the woman standing in front of her.
“We both know who’s been enjoying herself, so no need for the obvious.”
It didn’t take long for Catherine to process the last comment, but by the time she cleared her head, Sara was already in her car.
Walking away from Catherine was the hardest thing Sara ever did, but she knew she had to do it. It would be too easy to fall back into Catherine’s arms, but the memory of the blonde’s infidelity was still fresh in her mind.
“You made the right decision,” Sara repeated to herself as she drove away.