Title: The Lumberjack

Author: Vree

Email: Vree1@hotmail.com

General Disclaimer: As usual: I donít own them, wish I did. It some far off galaxy these two resemble a couple of characters owned by RenPic.

Subtext: Yeah Right, you wish it were sub.

Sex: Female. Sorry had to do it. There is kinda sex in here

Hurt/Comfort: Not likely in my writing.

Authors Note: This parody was inspired by the current explosion of Songfic on the net. You know that stuff where some one uses a song or two to express emotions instead of creating character depth and plot.

How could this happen? One minute Iím driving to meet my parents then next my car skids and crashes into the woods. So I get out to go back to the road for help and manage to get myself lost. Wait, whatís that sound. It sounds like an axe falling and someone singing. The voice is pure and musical causing an immediate stirring in my heart and other lower body parts. The song touched familiar cords in my heart with its lyric beauty.

Iím a lumberjack and Iím Ok
I sleep all night and I work all day
I cut down trees. I skip and jump.
I like to press wild flowers.
I put on menís clothing
And hang around in bars.
I cut down trees. I wear Ďcycle boots
Suspendies, and a bra.
I wish Iíd been more manly
Just like my dear Mama.


I followed the sounds to a clearing and stopped in my tracks. There, framed by sunlight and sweat, was a woman of such muscular beauty I thought I was liable to faint. Standing almost six feet with long dark hair, her sweat drenched tank top outlining every muscle in her back as she swung her axe. All of my blood rushed straight for my groin leaving me light-headed and woozy. She must have heard my approach for she turned, piercing me with blue eyes that matched the sky that framed her.

"Can I help you?" she asked her voice deep and slightly husky from her singing.

"Um, yes, you see my car skidded into some trees back there and I was going for help but seem to have gotten myself lost. Could you please tell me where I might find a phone?"

"Well the only phone I know of is the one in my cabin. Youíre welcome to it. Just follow me."

Suddenly, all the warnings about strange mountain people and how they are all sex crazed, axe murderers flashed through my head. And while I wouldnít have minded the first part the second was definitely not good. My thoughts must have flashed across my face because she suddenly chuckled. The sound of that laugh acted as an instant balm to my senses.

"Relax I promise not to ravish you or make you into dinner. I might make you dinner but thatís another story entirely. Perhaps youíll feel better if I introduce myself. My name is Shana Taylor. You may have heard of me."

Heard of her! Who hadnít the famous actress-writer-director who went into seclusion after a scandal involving her and another actress? Whose husband objected to their dalliance in a very un-Hollywood fashion, by making a huge scene at a press conference. I had the biggest crush on her throughout college.

Being the cool professional that I am however, I merely responded " Oh, Yes I have. You have actually made some of my favorite movies. My name is Anna Snyder." We stood there staring at each other, before I finally broke the silence, " Is your cabin far?"

Shana blinked " Um, no. Actually itís just over that hill."

"Ok, letís go."

We started to walk towards the hill the ground gradually starting to slope upward. I looked around.

"This is beautiful land. I understand why you live up here."

"Yeah. When I first moved here I thought of it more as a prison than anything else. But after a while I grew to love the land. Now I canít imagine leaving. I got my lumberjacking license last year and am also the local ranger for the area."

" Wow, it seems to me that you succeed in whatever you do."

"Not everything. I still havenít succeeded at love."

"I know what you mean. I keep feeling like one day Iíll meet someone and we will be together forever."

" I have always felt like that." There is a pause as our eyes held a conversation neither of us was willing to vocalize. Finally her crystal blue released my dappled green " There is a song that always runs through my head when I think about love. Would you like to hear it?"

" Please. You have a wonderful voice." I smiled trying to hide the thrill running through my system as she began to sing.

You make me Want to slam my head
Up against a wall
You make me
Do the limbo
You make me
Want to buy a slurpie
At the mall
You make me
Watch the gong show
Sometimes you
Make me want to build an
Eiffel tower out of
Belgian waffles
Thereís really something
Kinda strange about you baby
But I canít quite put my finger on it
You make me
You make me
You make me
Thatís what you do to me
You make me
Want to hang out in a trailer park
Then take my hamster to the beach
You make me
Want to do my laundry in the dark
And use the recommended bleach
When Iím with you I donít know whether
To study nuerosurgery
Or go to see the Care Bears Movie
You make me
You make me
You make me
Thatís what you do to me


As her song trailed off I watched her. Noting the passion with which she sang, I was suddenly jealous of anyone who had heard her before me.

"That was beautiful. How come you never cut an album. Your voice is certainly good enough."

"I was in the process of finalizing a deal with a major label when the whole scandal got started."

She looked away in discomfort, and I could see the pain on her face, " Oh, look weíve arrived."

I looked up at her "cabin". It was huge. A normal looking log cabin but it took over nearly two acres and looked like it had a covered pool attached to the back. It looked to have at least two levels and as we walked in I realized the building had been cut in half. The entry way was a sort of box, but with a loft like platform above two rooms and a hallway that looked like it lead to the pool enclosure. There were stairs leading up to the loft. And the whole effect gave it airiness through the high ceilings. There were two doors off to my left. "Wow, this is nice"

"Thanks. Itís a perk of the business. Iíll give you the ten cent tour later if youíd like."

"I would." Again the green and blue spoke until she broke contact.

"Let me show you to the phone"

She led me up the stairs and I saw that half of the loft is done as a living room and the other half as a dining room. There was another door on the far side of the living room where the wall cut the building in half. I figured that it lead to her bedroom and ignored the warm thoughts it engendered. The loft and hallway are both tastefully decorated in a homey yet artistic fashion, all comfortable furniture in bold colors. A plush carpet covered the floor of the loft.

"Here you go. Iím going to just go clean up." Shana said pointing to a cordless phone conveniently located next to a plush chair.

"Thanks, This shouldnít take real long, but donít feel you need to rush back. Iím sure I can entertain myself while your gone."

"Thanks I could actually use a good soak right about now. I was out there all day."

She went off to her shower while I picked up the phone and dialed my agent. He swore he could take care of getting the car and picking me up, but that they probably wouldnít be able to get someone out here until tomorrow as it was already after six and most service places were closed. I gave him Shanaís number without telling him whose it was. I jotted down a few notes about staying the night and things that I needed from the car. I hoped Shana didnít mind my having to stay. Not that I minded being close to her at all. In fact keeping my hands off her was going to be far more torturous. Suddenly, I heard the shower go on and realized that it mustíve been up against the wall that cuts the house in half. The sound lulled me and made me realize how tiring my little trek through the woods had been. As I started to fade off to sleep I heard Shana start to sing again and smile because sheís singing one of my favorites that rings so true in my life.

I ache for the touch of your lips dear
But much more for the touch of your whips, Dear.
You can raise welts like nobody else
As we dance to the Masochism Tango.


The next thing I knew I felt fingers running through my hair and a gentle voice entreating me to wake up. I blinked my eyes open to see a smiling Shana mere inches away from me. Unable to resist, I leaned forward and kissed her. It started out soft and sweet, quickly becoming passionate. When we finally broke for air both of use are breathing heavily.

"Sorry" I said, "I donít know what came over me."

"No problem. Anytime it wants to come back, let it." She replies, " Iíve been wanting to do that since I first saw you."

I smile and glanced out the window. Itís totally dark outside. "Wow. How long was I asleep? And why didnít you wake me?"

"Um wellÖ a couple of hoursÖyou looked so peaceful and I saw your note about needing to stay, so I went and got your stuff out of your car and made some dinner. I was actually waking you to tell you its done."

"Wow. Thanks. You didnít need to do all of that. After all, Iím the one whose barging in here."

"I donít mind. And as for barging inÖwellÖI thought you had figured out that I wanted you to stay but if not perhaps this will help convince you.", She leaned forward and kissed me again.

Now I have been kissed before, but nothing has ever equaled the heat and intensity of what we have shared. We broke apart and I gave her my most dazzling smile.

"Ok, Iím convinced. Now did you say something about dinner?" We both laugh and get up.

"Yeah, let me run downstairs and throw it into the dumbwaiter. Why donít you light the candles and put on some light music and Iíll be right back up."

I did as bade, lighting candles and opening the wine while she came up and set out the food. We sat down and started to eat. I made absolute noises of delight, she was obviously a gourmet chef on top of her other accomplishments.

"This is absolutely incredible. Youíre a wonderful chef. A wonderful person actually. Bright, accomplished, and beautiful. Just the girl to take home to mom." I say with a wistful little smile.

"Iím glad you think so. I have to admit though I thought I recognized your name from somewhere but couldnít figure it out."

"Really? I donít know where you would have." I smiled nervously.

"Neither did I. Then when I went in to take my shower I glanced at my bedstead and there you were. Imagine my surprise when I realized that Americaís foremost writer of lesbian erotica was sitting in my living room. I love your books. In fact, they are the only ones on the shelf next to my bed."

At this point I am blushing badly, " Really? I never thought that someone as amazing as you would find anything interesting in my sad little scribblings."

"No, really, its some of the best Iíve read and after being alone for as long as I have I can tell you that I have read a lot. Tell me, how did you get involved in writing erotica?"

"You mean how did a nice girl like me end up in a genre like this?" I laughed


"Well, interestingly enough it was a Tom Leher song I heard when I was in college. And I thought thereís a cause I can fight for."

"Would you sing it for me?" Shana asks, with an Oliver twist like expression.

I laughed again. " Believe me you do not want me to sing. I would shatter all the glass in the house. But I do carry it around on tape. I kinda use it as my daily self-afirmation so I always have one on me. Let me go put it on for you."

I got up and got the tape out of my bag and moved to stereo. All the while feeling her hot eyes staring at my body. After hitting play I could here the melodious piano start. I stared into her eyes as the music swelled around us.

Give me smut and nothing but!
A dirty novel I canít shut,
If its uncut,
And unsubt-le.
Iíve never quibbled
If it was ribald,
I would devour where others merely nibbled.
As the judge remarked the day he
Aquitted my Aunt Hortense,
"To be smut
It must be ut-
Terly without redeeming social importance.
Nographic pictures I adore.
Indecent magazines galore,
I love them more
If theyíre hard core.
(Bring on the obscene movies, murals, postcards, neckties,
samplers, stained glass windows, tattoos, anything!
More! More! Iím still not satisfied!)
Stories of tortures
Used by debauchers,
Lurid, licentious and vile,
Make me smile.
Novels that pander
To my taste in candor
Give me a pleasure sublime.
(Letís face it, I love slime.)
All books can be indecent
Though recent books are bolder,
For filth (Iím glad to say) is in
The mind of the beholder.
When correctly viewed,
Everything is lewd.
(I could tell you things about Peter Pan
And the Wizard of Oz, thereís a dirty old man!)
I thrill
To any book by Fanny Hill
And I suppose I always will,
If it is swill
And really fil
Who needs a hobby like tennis or philately?
I have a hobby: rereading Lady Chatterly.
But now theyíre trying to take it all
Away from us unless
We take a stand, and hand in hand
We fight for freedom of the press.
In other words,
Smut! (I love it)
Ah, the adventures of a slut.
Oh, Iím a market they canít glut,
I donít know what
Compares with smut.
Hip hip hooray!
Letís hear it for the Supreme Court!
Donít let them take it away!


I broke our stare and turned around to turn off the tape deck. "So thatís it. Once I heard that song a few times I realized I had a goal. I was going to reach out and help people through my writing."

I felt a presence at my back and turned to find blazing blue eyes. The color of burning sterno cans at their brightest. I swallowed as she spoke.

"I want you. I want to do things to you that will make your books sound tame. Do you want me too?"

I swallowed again and realized that I had to admit my greatest shame, " God, yes. But I need to tell you something first."

"Oh No, is this where you tell me your married with three kids in Poughkeepsie?"

I smiled shyly, " No this is the part where I tell you Iím a virgin."

"WHAT?!! You have got to be kidding." I shook my head no. "But all those stories. You mean they were all made up. I mean I wondered about some of the positions your people ended up in, but they are completely made up?"

"Yep, Lets just say I have a very fertile imagination. I truly want to do the things I write about, but until now I never found anyone I wanted to do them with. I hope you donít think badly of me, but I really felt that I should tell you."

She pulled me into a hug and kissed the top of my head. " Sweetie, I could never think badly of you. Iím glad you told me. It makes me want to make this time extra special."

"Anything involving you and a bed would be special"

"Well, letís see what we can do about that." She leaned down and captured my lips nipping at them and tracing them with her tongue before engaging me in a deep kiss. While our tongues were engaged in a deep conversation I felt myself lifted up and carried into the bedroom. She laid me down on the bed and gazed at, me her eyes filled with desire. She straightened up and walked to the fireplace, lighting the logs already there. Once the fire was roaring she returned to me. The flickering light threw her face partly in shadow as she lay on her side next to me. We kissed again, her hand slowly reached under my shirt and cupped my bare breast. I moaned into her mouth and returned the caress. Feeling for the first time the smooth muscles under her skin. The feeling of compressed power covered in silk. We moaned together as I slowly pushed her back, laying half on top of her as our lips meet again. I suddenly had a flash of insecurity and pulled back.

"Tell me what you want me to do to you. What would please you the most?"

She looked up at me with an impish smirk and breaks into another song.

Sit on my face and tell me that you love me.
Iíll sit on your face and tell you I love you, too.
Life can be fine if we both sixty-nine
When youÖ.mmmph.

"I Love You." And there was no more conversation.

Final note: I would just like to thank Monty Python, Tom Leher, and Weird Al Yankovic for the use of their songs.

Vree Xena Main Index