By The Psycho
Rating: PG (bordering on PG-13)
Pairing: B/S first time
Spoiler: No spoiler, set somewhere around the end of Season 2. I'm mucking with their universe so don't be upset if things don't match up.
Summary: Sam's in a very way lately and Brooke’s determined to find out why.
Disclaimer: Not for profit, no infringement intended. The characters are not mine, just borrowing them.
Feedback: I'm new and fragile, so take that into consideration. :: Sheepish grin ::
Archive: Realm & AFF.net
A/N: This story is fairly dark but believe me, it'll get worse before it gets better. If severe emotional angst bothers you, then you should probably read another story.
A/N 2:Don't let the title fool you, it's a little deceptive. Those of you with keen minds (or good hard drives) might be able to figure out the title, but I won't share just yet. No sex, sorry, it might be a while before I get into the romance of the thing. My last relationship ended badly and since they always say, "Write what you know..." these are the only emotions I have to draw from. Situation is different, emotions are the same. Now, can anyone guess who's emotions I'm identifying with? Hmmm...
She was having a bad day. She hasn’t even been awake for more than five minutes and already her day sucked. As she woke up, the first and ultimately the worst thought popped into her head. Valentines Day. When was it? Less than a week away and Boyfriend-less. Again.
Samantha McPherson was the kind of girl that absolutely needed to have someone during this particular holiday. It was a dance in extremes. If she did have someone, it was the most wonderful holiday of them all. If she didn’t, it positively sucked beyond all reckoning. Strange how things work out like that. Especially in matters of the heart. One minute she was in love with George, and the next she was saying goodbye to him as he moved to yet another city. Away from her. That was a month ago and she had come to terms with his being out of her life. What she hadn’t come to terms with yet was the fact that she was going to be alone again. And now that the most romantic of all holidays was almost upon her, she knew what would be coming next.
Sam pulled herself out of bed. After having laid there with her thoughts for the past 20 minutes, she decided she wasn’t going to get up unless she got moving. Standing up with a groan, she made her way to the bathroom that adjoined Brooke and her room. Turning on the shower, she was about to get undressed when the door to Brooke’s room opened and Brooke walked in.
Brooke just glared at her for a second as if Sam’s mere presence was there just to spite her. Brooke couldn’t understand why Sam always chose to invade her space. Whenever she wanted to use the bathroom, there she was. When Brooke wanted to get the milk for her cereal, Sam used the last of it 2 minutes before. It irked her to no end.
“I need to use the shower.” Brooke exclaimed hotly. Brooke tensed up, expecting a biting and witty comeback. She didn’t have to wait too long when Sam simply shrugged, turned off the water in the shower and walked out of the bathroom, closing the door behind her.
Brooke just stood there for at least 5 minutes with her mouth hanging open. She was stupefied. No comeback? She shrugged it off and turned on the water for her own shower.
* * *
Brooke walked downstairs, and seeing Sam standing in the doorway to the kitchen, decided she’d give it another try. “You’re not going to use all the milk again are you? ‘Cause if you plan to, I’d like to get my share first.”
“I’m not hungry.” Sam said with little feeling as she walked towards the front door.
Not taking the bait a second time made this little voice inside Brooke’s head say *Something’s wrong.* She just couldn’t understand it, it was so unlike Sam to not verbally spar with her. Brooke just couldn’t let Sam walk away like that.
“Where are you going?” Brooke said with some confusion in her voice.
“For a walk.” Sam replied as she walked out the door without looking back.
*Sam’s going for a walk? What’s wrong with this picture?*
* * *
It was a beautiful Saturday morning. Walking through the streets, Sam tried to let the beauty of the day fill her up. It was fairly chilly outside but it didn’t bother her too much. As she walked slowly, she tried to sort out her thoughts. Beauty in any form always seemed to help, whether it was a soft ballad sung by a beautiful voice, or lovely scenery. Sam had chosen the latter this morning.
Sam knew how to control her mind to some extent. She didn’t know why it did the things it did sometimes, but she knew how certain things could control it. Like when she’s pissed off for example, a good violent computer game always seemed to be a good outlet for her anger. Her mother was happy when she finally figured that out, things around their house stopped getting broken during those times.
Her mind wasn’t angry this time though; it was chaotic, and dark. Like a cloud had invaded her brain and was bumping around in there, messing things up. Letting bright and beautiful things in always seemed to help stave off the big bad dark cloud.
All these esoteric thoughts weren’t helping much though. She let her mind wander for a minute and a series of fleeting thoughts passed through her mind. Brooke and her fighting constantly, her weeping as George drove away for good, Nicole making fun of her fashion, mom scolding her for something she did wrong. The thoughts started getting jumbled and soon they were just faces, Josh, Brooke, Harrison, mom…
Sam tried to banish these thoughts and get some control. She found herself in the park where she and Brooke first met so many years ago. The sandbox where they had their first fight. As the memory popped into her head, it brought a smile to her face. She walked over and sat down on a bench near the sandbox. Looking down, she spotted a small wildflower near her feet. Absentmindedly, she bent down and picked it, bringing it to her nose and inhaling.
This was good, her mind was quieting down. She focused her thoughts on good things. Her dad and her playing here. Laughing with George. Seeing Brooke smile. This was good. She let the beauty of the area and the good memories wash over her.
Sam turned her head, detecting an intrusion in her area. A man and woman were slowly walking through the park, holding hands, leaning close to each other, whispering, smiling, and laughing quietly. They were obviously in love. The sight of the two unknown people should have brought even more beauty into her mind but it twisted it. Now Sam’s same thoughts she had were twisting. Her dad dying, George leaving, Harrison mad at her, Brooke…
A sadness started to wash over her. It seemed everyone she loved always left her. Being in love. Was she ever going to find someone to spend her life with? The sadness deepened. The couple walking by now only seemed to remind her that she had noone to love her. Now the same beauty of the area only seemed to mock her. She should be like that couple, walking with someone, in love, letting the beauty of the area enhance their love. Sharing it with each other. Only now, she was alone.
Wiping a tear from her face, she got off the bench and started to walk back home. Her failure apparent as the dark cloud settled back on her mind. She had no fight left this morning. She’d worry about it later. At least her mind wasn’t so chaotic as it was before. Now, only a single thought occupied her mind.
*I am alone*
Brooke was worried. She had never seen Sam like this before. Sam seemed to be withdrawing into herself more and more. Sam absolutely refused to respond to Brooke’s attempts to draw her out. Brooke had spent so much time sparring with her that now that she didn’t have that, she was getting bored. She missed her verbal bouts with Sam. And the fact that Sam had withdrawn into herself was starting to bother her. Sam spent all of her time away from school either in her room alone, or out on walks. This had been going on for two days.
All of this seemed to come on so suddenly that Brooke couldn’t figure out what was wrong. She didn’t know why she loved fighting with Sam so much. Something about the look in Sam’s eyes, the passion, determination, made Brooke’s blood boil. Brooke had known for quite a while that she cared for Sam, a lot more than she thought she should. She never said anything to anyone because noone would understand. Nicole and Mary Cherry would only use the information to hurt her or Sam. Dad and Jane wouldn’t understand why she was in love with her almost-step-sister. Josh, well, she wasn’t with Josh any more and would probably freak upon hearing his former girlfriend was gay. Sam’s friends would only tell Sam and Sam couldn’t find out. Sam was straight and obviously had enough problems in her life right now and really didn’t need this major one.
Putting her feelings for Sam aside, Brooke became determined to find out what was bothering Sam… And help her if possible. Her first option was Jane. If anyone would know what was bothering Sam, it was Jane.
* * *
Brooke walked into her home with Sam. During the drive home from school, Sam had been silent… as usual lately. Brooke just watched in silence as Sam walked upstairs to her room, shutting her door. Brooke knew Sam would remain there until called down for dinner, only coming out then... If she even ate that is. Last night Sam didn’t.
Knowing Sam wouldn’t be coming down, Brooke walked into the kitchen looking for Jane. Seeing Jane sitting at the kitchen table looking over bills, Brooke sat down across from her.
“Hi honey, how was school?” Jane asked, looking up from the bills.
“Fine I guess.” Brooke paused, then continued. “Well, not so good really. I’m worried about Sam.”
Jane sighed then smiled weakly at Brooke. “Brooke, I’m happy you care for Sam enough to be worried for her but there isn’t much you can do for her right now.”
“Do you know what’s wrong? Sam won’t fight with me any more and none of my attempts to draw her out are working. She seems to be withdrawing into herself and I can’t figure out why. She spends all night in that damn room of hers and…” Brooke trailed off, crying quietly.
Jane was stunned for a moment, seeing so much caring and worry in Brooke’s eyes and voice made her so happy and worried at the same time. Jane gave her a smile and brought Brooke into a tight hug.
“Brooke, thank you for caring so much. It bothers me too seeing Sam like this but I’ve long since stop trying. You know how stubborn Sam can get. This time of year it’s worse. Especially now that her father’s gone.”
“This time of year?”
“Valentines day. Sam gets very depressed this time of year. I was hoping she would be with George now but…”
“George left her.” Brooke interrupted. “Oh God, it all makes sense. Damn him! Couldn’t he wait to leave until after Valentines day? Leaving Sammy all alone right before the most romantic of days was just cruel.”
“Brooke, I’m sure George didn’t have much say in the matter.”
“I know.” Brooke hung her head. “I just feel so bad for Sammy. I want to help her, make her smile again.”
“She’ll get over it. She always does. Just give her some time.”
“I don’t think I can do that.” Brooke whispered. “I’ve got to do something.”
Jane was getting more worried by the minute. “Ok, but stop trying to fight with her. She doesn’t need that right now.”
“I keep thinking that if I can just draw her out, in any way… it must be better than Sammy withdrawing into herself. But I’ll try. You know her better than I do.”
“Ok, just take it easy on her. Sam’s very fragile right now.”
“I know… I’ll be gentle.” Brooke then walked out of the kitchen, leaving Jane to her thoughts.
Jane sighed. *That’s what I’m afraid of… but maybe it’s just what she needs.*
* * *
Brooke had finished her homework and was now just sitting on her bed, thinking about what she could do for Sam. She decided for now, she would simply try to be nice to her and see if she came up with any ideas later.
Just then, Jane knocked and opened the door. “Brooke, dinner’s almost ready.”
“Ok, thanks Jane.” Brooke paused. “Is Sam going to eat?”
“I don’t think so, she said she wasn’t hungry again.”
Brooke, knowing the problems she’s had with food in the past, knew what she should do. “Jane, I’m going to fix Sammy a plate and bring it up to her.”
“Thank you, maybe you can get her to eat something. I don’t think I have to tell you it isn’t good for her to stop eating like this.”
“No, you don’t. I’ll get her to eat something.”
Brooke’s determination made Jane smile. “Ok, let’s fix her a tray and you can bring it up to her.”
Brooke smiled and followed Jane down to the kitchen.
* * *
Holding the tray, Brooke knocked softly on Sam’s door with her foot. Not hearing any answer, “Sam?”
Brooke heard a quiet “I’m busy.”
“Can I come in? I’ve kinda got my hands full here.” Brooke kept her voice pleasant.
Sam’s curiosity must have gotten the better of her because Brooke found the door opening slightly. Seeing Brooke holding the tray looking nervous, “What’s this?” There was still little feeling in Sam’s voice.
Brooke gave Sam a bright smile and held up the tray. “I brought you dinner.”
“Thank you but I’m not hungry.” Sam started to close the door again.
“Sam, please?” Hearing the softness and hurt in Brooke’s voice, Sam just looked at Brooke for a moment, then sighed and opened the door saying nothing.
“Thank you.” Brooke set the tray down on Sam’s nightstand. “You really need to eat something. I know you haven’t been eating much lately. It’s not healthy.” Seeing the look in Sam’s eyes, knowing what she was thinking, even if she didn’t respond. “Yes, I know that’s strange coming from me… especially given the problems I’ve had in the past but I was just worried about you.”
“Why?” *Because I’m in love with you, you dope.* Brooke debated whether or not to tell her and quickly opted against it.
“Yes, why are you worried?” Sam frowned when she didn’t get a response from her. “Brooke?”
“I… I’m… I just… I just know it’s not good to go without eating. I got so thin, after I broke my rib sneezing I realized how much I hurt myself. I don’t want you to hurt.” Brooke’s head was hung low.
Brooke was being so sweet that Sam softened for a moment. But then it all came rushing back. *You’re alone. Everyone you love will leave you. You will always be alone* Sam felt a tear slide down her cheek and knew she was going to break down again. Not wanting Brooke to see, “Can you please leave?”
Not understanding what happened, “Sammy, you have to eat something.” Brooke’s voice sounded hurt.
“I’ll eat, just leave… Please…” Sam’s voice was quiet, hurt, and pleading.
Hearing the whispered plea in her voice, Brooke knew she couldn’t refuse. Brooke was afraid she was going to start crying too. “Sammy I… “ Brooke’s hand suddenly covered her mouth and she ran from Sam’s room sobbing.
The voice in Sam’s head was relentless with her. *You see, you hurt her. You’re alone. You will always be alone.* Sam collapsed on the floor of her room, tears streaming down her face. The dark cloud inside her was taking form, she knew what this meant. Sam’s head lifted up as she heard it. The screaming inside her head. The horrible, lonely, sad, terror filled screaming. She would have screamed along with it if she had her voice. As it was, she only sat there, crying softly.
The beast was back.
Brooke ran back to her room and collapsed on her bed. Curling up in a fetal position, she cried, not holding anything back. She cried not for herself, but for Sam. *What did I do?* Brooke thought to herself. *I’m supposed to make her feel better, not make her cry! I almost told her! I’m such an idiot!* Brooke wrapped her arms around her pillow and curled it into herself as she buried her face in it and cried. She didn’t want to take the chance that Sam might hear her. She cried silently for several minutes when there came a soft knock on the door. Brooke quickly and valiantly tried to compose herself, even though it was a hopeless task. The door opened softly and Brooke looked up.
“Brooke? How did…” Jane started asking before she saw the red puffiness in Brooke’s eyes and knew she’d been crying. Jane didn’t say another word as she quickly went to Brooke and enveloped her in a hug. “Oh sweetie, what happened?” Brooke didn’t say anything and just cried in her step-mother’s embrace. “Brooke?”
“Sa… Sam… hates me!” Brooke managed to get out through sniffles.
“Honey, no she doesn’t. If she’s upset with anyone, it’s herself.”
“But I was supposed to make her feel better! Instead I only made her cry again!”
“Listen to me Brooke”, Jane’s voice was soft but firm. Brooke looked into Jane’s eyes. “She will get through this. It isn’t your fault. Punishing yourself won’t help her at all. You’ll have to be strong, for Sam.”
Brooke steeled herself and got a determined look in her eyes. “I will. I can do this.”
“I know you can. I love you both, if anyone can help Sam through this, it’s you.”
Brooke’s face softened and she smiled. “Jane, I just want you to know, I love you and Sam. Kelly may have given birth to me but you’re my mother.” They both hugged each other again.
“What are you going to do now?”
“I don’t know. I guess I’ll just keep being nice to her. Show her that I love her.” Then Brooke quickly added, “… as a sister is supposed to.”
Jane just smiled at her step-daughter, but inside she knew that quick addition to her last statement was a cover-up. She didn’t push it though. *Maybe Brooke’s love can bring Sam around.*
* * *
The next morning, Sam’s alarm clock woke her up. She walked over to the mirror and stared at herself. Her eyes were still red. *This is ridiculous* Sam thought to herself. *Crying like a little girl.* Inside, there was a battle being fought. *You’re Samantha McPherson. Daughter of Joe and Jane McPherson. Editor in chief of the school newspaper!* She gathered her strength and managed to push all those feelings back down. After a few minutes, she managed to bury her emotions deep within herself. She would rather not do it this way, she knew it was only a temporary solution… and likely to come back worse… but she was only concerned with right now. Right now, she hurt Brooke, she hurt her mother. She’d deal with the after effects of her actions later. Sam looked at herself in the mirror again and felt a familiar coldness well up inside her. This was good. The walls were back up.
“You’re Samantha McPherson.” She said to herself.
* * *
Jane and Brooke were already downstairs eating breakfast in the kitchen when Sam walked in. Brooke’s back was to the doorway and didn’t see her right away. Jane did, however.
“Morning Sam…” Jane said, her voice hopeful. Maybe this was a good sign.
Upon hearing this, Brooke whirled around faster than seemed possible. “Sam! I mean... How are you?”
“Morning mom.” Turning to look at Brooke she added with little feeling, “I’m fine.”
*The walls are back up* Brooke thought to herself. *Just be nice* “There’s some milk left if you want cereal.”
“Thanks. I’ve got it.” Nothing more was said all through breakfast. Sam was aware of Brooke’s occasional glances directed at her. She knew Brooke was worried about her and Sam knew she should put up a good front. She didn’t want to push it though by talking too much, so she kept silent.
Brooke on the other hand, wanted desperately to talk to Sam but didn’t have any idea how to bring it up. So, lost in her own thoughts about Sam, she stayed silent as well.
After breakfast was done, the girls got ready for school, gathering their books. Sam wanted a ride to school but Sam knew she had hurt Brooke last night and didn’t want to take for granted the fact that Brooke would automatically take her. “Brooke, can you give me a ride to school?”
“Sam, I always give you a ride to school. Why would today be any different?” she said with laughter in her eyes and a smile.
“I just thought…” Sam stopped herself. *Damn that girl. Why does she have to keep doing that?* Sam was glad for the fact that Brooke kept trying to find ways in. *I can’t dump all this on Brooke right now.*
“You just thought what?” Brooke’s face was hopeful that Sam just might spill. She’d made a crack in the wall… a tiny one… but a crack nonetheless.
Sam quickly retreated behind the wall again. “Nothing. Can you give me a ride?”
“Of course I will.” As Sam walked out the door, she didn’t see Brooke smile.
* * *
Between classes, Sam was at her locker putting away books and retrieving others when Brooke walked up.
“Hi Sam!” Brooke exclaimed with an obscene amount of cheerfulness.
“Hi.” Brooke was so cute that Sam wanted to smile but every time she thought about her, the Beast rattled its cage even louder.
Brooke thought she saw a glimmer of a smile in Sam’s eyes but then it was just as quickly replaced by sadness.
“I was going to skip lunch and go to the mall, I was wondering if you wanted to come along,” Brooke asked hopeful.
Sam knew she couldn’t handle being around Brooke, walking next to her for an extended period of time and be able to keep her composure. “I don’t think so.”
Brooke couldn’t hide the disappointment on her face. “Please Sam? It’ll be fun!” Brooke tried to bring up a forced smile.
Sam couldn’t figure out what was up with Brooke. All week Brooke seemed to be everywhere she looked. She was at Sam’s locker between classes, sitting next to her in Bio she could just feel Brooke watching her. She even thought Brooke was watching her when she was working on the newspaper. Brooke was everywhere. Now matter how hard she tried, Brooke was there… watching her… being nice to her. Brooke was bound and determined to get through that wall. And the most terrifying thing to Sam? She wanted her to get through, and it upset her.
“What is wrong with you lately?”
“What do you mean?” Brooke tried to keep the hurt out of her voice.
“Everywhere I go, you’re there… Everywhere I look, you’re smiling at me, being nice to me.”
“What’s wrong with that?”
“Nothing… It’s just…” Sam felt her resolve cracking, seeing the hurt look on Brooke’s face, she had to get away from here. “I’ve gotta go.”
Brooke looked after Sam as she walked away hurriedly. Just as Sam walked away, Brooke noticed something flutter to the ground at her feet. Bending down and picking up the item, she noticed it was a piece of paper. Sam’s notes probably?
What’s wrong with me?
Reading that first line, Brooke knew it wasn’t school notes. She knew she shouldn’t be reading it but she couldn’t help herself. She continued reading…
I know I shouldn’t feel like this. Why can’t things go back to normal? What is normal? Normal is laughing with Lily and Carmen. Normal is fighting with Brooke… Brooke. For the life of me, I can’t figure her out. One minute we’re fighting like cats and dogs, like we always have… the next she’s being so damn nice to me.
Brooke smiled at that.
How am I supposed to keep this all buried with her gnawing at it?
Brooke smiled, knowing she had actually gotten through.
I don’t understand what I’m supposed to do! I don’t think I want too much out of life. I just want someone to love and love me back! I don’t want to be alone!
But that’s all I’ll ever be. Alone.
All I ever do is hurt everyone. I hurt them and they leave. Dad left me. George left me. Brooke and Mom hate me and they’ll be leaving me soon too.
*Oh Sam, I don’t hate you, I’ll never leave you.*
I don’t want them to leave me. I don’t want her to leave me!
Maybe I do want too much. I want too much and God will never give it all to me. Why would God give it too me? It’s far more than I deserve.
Brooke frowned, she was getting more confused by the moment.
God, I want Brooke so much, but I keep hurting her. She’s going to leave me. Just like everyone else I love does. Why am I going to be alone? What did I do so wrong?
Brooke, I love her so much…
The note just stopped there. If Brooke hadn’t been leaning against the lockers, she surely would have collapsed onto the floor. As it was, she just cried, tears of joy falling down her face. She had to do something. She had to show Sam she loved her. Finally making her decision, she knew what she had to do. Valentine’s day was tomorrow and she was determined to get the perfect gift.
~Sam’s thoughts – her POV ~
What is wrong with me?
I know damn well what’s wrong. I’m lonely. Why must I always be alone? Am I alone? I keep hearing that voice in my head telling me ‘I’ll always be alone’. Is it right? Everyone I’ve loved dearly has left me before. Dad, George, Mom. Mom? Mom hasn’t left me. She’s been staying away from me lately though. It could be just to give me space to work this through. Mom does know me pretty well. Then there’s Brooke…
Brooke. Even thinking the word ‘Brooke’ makes me feel all warm inside. And sad. Why is it so hard? Why is it so confusing? I think about her and I feel so good inside but then I feel so bad. Why does thinking about her make me feel so bad? It’s tearing me apart inside! I want so much to grab her and hold her forever and ever. But everything about her makes me so sad!
Maybe it’s knowing she’ll never feel the same way about me. Brooke is straight. Even if she wasn’t, why would she ever love someone as screwed up as me.
Maybe she does love me. She has been pretty nice to me lately. No she doesn’t you dope. Just because she’s been nice lately doesn’t mean she loves me. If I ever get through this she’ll be fighting with me again just like always.
Just like always. Crap. She’ll be pissed off at me again, and I’ll be fighting with her all the while wishing I could just hold her. At least fighting with her I can get close to her… even if it’s only being in the same room as her.
I hate being in the same room as her! Just being near her makes me feel bad. And she’s been hanging around me so much lately. She’s been so nice to me lately it’s been bordering on flirting. Why must she be so nice? Doesn’t she know it hurts? Of course not, how can she know? Geez, I’m quoting my own poem now. How did that part go again?
Doesn't she know, I'll give my life for her?
of course not, how can she know?
she thinks I'm nothing more
than another fool in a row.
‘Another fool in a row’. That about sums me up pretty well. God it hurts so much! I wish that damn screaming would stop! There’s no human utterance to describe it! I would give anything for it to stop. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Even Nicole. Brooke. God, I would kill myself before I ever made Brooke hear that sound!
Brooke… It keeps coming back to her doesn’t it? I keep feeling this way because I hurt myself. It’s my fault. I was foolish enough to think I could have a family… Mom, Mike, Brooke… But I keep hurting myself and them. Brooke’s sad, Mom’s sad… It’s all because of me. It’s my fault.
I’m a bad person. If I keep this up, I’ll just hurt them further. I’ll hurt Brooke further. I’ve already made her sad and cry. I’m so sorry Brooke! I’m so sorry! I never meant to hurt you! But that’s all I’ll ever do. Hurt you.
I love you. God help me, I love you. And the “curse of my terrible love” will only hurt you further…
… If I stay.
I love you so much and my love will destroy you. I have to take it away so it can’t hurt you any more.
~ End Sam’s POV ~
Taking a copy of the poem from her printer, Sam walks over to Brooke’s room. She had skipped last period of school so she could get this done and be gone before anyone got home. Sam looked around Brooke’s room and inhaled her scent. It was home. But she had to leave it if she was to save Brooke from her. Gently she laid the poem on Brooke’s pillow with a small note.
Returning to her room, she picked up her bags and walked out of the house with tears in her eyes.
* * *
Brooke ran upstairs after returning home from school. She had waited for Sam but she never showed up to get a ride home. After a quick search of her normal hang-outs at school, she sped home.
Brooke ran down the hallway, fear tearing her heart apart. She threw open the door to Sam’s room without bothering to knock.
“Sam?!?!” She cried desperately. She knew something was wrong. She just couldn’t put her finger on it and it terrified her. Sam wasn’t in her room. But something was wrong. Her room was neat. She opened Sam’s dresser and noticed most of Sam’s clothes were gone.
Brooke ran over to Sam’s closet and tearing it open, noticed her luggage was gone. “Sam!” Brooke yelled.
Running to her own room, hoping maybe Sam was in there for some reason, she looked around desperately and failing to see her there, collapsed on her bed, crying openly.
Feeling something rustle under her hand, she picked up two sheets of paper. One was a poem, the other was a note:
I’m so sorry I made you sad the other day. But it’s my own fault. Everyone I care about gets hurt because of me. I don’t want to keep hurting you and I know if I stay, that’s exactly what will happen. The poem is just to show you how I feel inside. I’m so sorry for hurting you. But at least with me gone, I can’t hurt you any more.
I love you,
Tears flowing freely down her face, she switched over to the poem, reading it several times, she didn’t say a word. Getting up off the bed, and walking over to Sam’s room, she looked at Sam’s now empty bed. She arms fell limp to her sides, the forgotten pieces of paper falling to the floor. Starting to shake, she threw her head back and screamed, “SSSAAAAAMMMMMMMMYYYY!!”
Sammy’s gone! My Sammy left me! It can’t happen like this, I only just found out that my Sammy loves me and she leaves me! Geez, this sounds like some bad daytime drama.
But this isn’t fiction, this is real! I love Sammy. Sammy loves me. Everything she’s feeling is so clear to me now. She feels alone for Valentine’s day, she’s in love with me but thinks she can’t have me. She thinks she’s hurting me so she’s trying to protect me. But where is all this about her hurting me coming from? She hasn’t hurt me, Sammy wouldn’t hurt a fly.
Oh my sweet Sammy… Leaving everyone and everything you love to protect me. I love you so much. You’re being so brave for me, It’s only right I should be brave for you.
I will find you. And when I do, I will tell you how I feel. Maybe then you’ll see that you will never be alone again.
~End Brooke’s thoughts~
Brooke’s resolve firmly in place, she picks herself up off the floor of Sam’s room where she had been kneeling since her scream. She started to wipe the tears off her face when the door to Sam’s room opened.
“Sam?!” Brooke exclaimed swiftly turning to the door.
“No honey, just me. Why are you in Sam’s…” Jane saw the redness and puffiness in Brooke’s eyes. She quickly moved to Brooke and hugged her. “What’s wrong? Where’s Sam?”
“Sam left mom. She left me.”
Jane quickly looked around the room, and seeing a lot of Sam’s things gone, she rushed over to the closet and pulled down a cardboard box from a high shelf and opened it. “Sam’s savings are gone. Oh my god, where is she? We have to find her!”
“I don’t know where she’s gone. I just miss the old Sammy so much, I have to find her. I WILL find her. I have to tell her that I…” Brooke trailed off, suddenly fearful of telling Jane.
Jane heard the hurt, worry, and caring in Brooke’s eyes and voice that she knew Brooke would take care of her.
“You have to tell her what?” She asked softly.
“Um… I have to tell her…” Brooke looked at Jane and saw only caring and happiness. Brooke realized that Jane knew. “I have to tell her that I love her.”
Jane sobbed with happiness and hugged Brooke tightly. “Oh honey, I know you do.”
“You know? So, you’re not mad at me?”
“Sweetie, how could I ever be mad? A beautiful, wonderful person truly loves my daughter. This is wonderful!”
“Oh mom, I love her so much! And she loves me, but she doesn’t know I love her too. I have to find her to tell her!”
“We’ll find her, you can tell her, and we can all come home again.”
“I love you mom.”
“I love you too sweetheart.”
* * *
Sam didn’t have much money, she only had enough for a ticket to LA. She would figure out what to do once she got there. Stepping up to the booth, she bought a one way ticket. The ticket showed the next departure was hours away. She sat in the waiting area. * Should I be worried about anyone finding me? No, Why would they. I hurt them all, they’ll probably be glad I’m gone *
* * *
Brooke and Jane went in different directions. Jane went to check out the train stations; Brooke went to the bus stations. Those two were the only places where Sam had enough money to buy a ticket.
Brooke rushed into the station, desperately looking around for Sam. This was the third one she tried. She was beginning to get worried Sam had already left. If she wasn’t at this one, she only had one more to try.
Brooke ran over to the ticket agent, cutting in front of everyone. “I’m sorry but it’s extremely urgent, I’m looking for someone, a girl, my age, beautiful long brown hair, about my height, she’s probably very sad…”
“… Looks like someone ran over her cat? Um… said her name was … Oh, that’s right. Sam McQueen…”
“Yea! You’ve seen her?! Where is she?”
“She bought a ticket to LA, She’d be over in area B, you’d better hurry, her bus is leaving any minute.”
“Thank you!” Brooke suddenly grabbed the guy she cut off and kissed his cheek,”Thank you!” before rushing off.
Brooke ran as if she were running for her life. To her, it felt like she was. Over the terminal loudspeaker she heard “* Last call, bus 453 to LA now boarding *” Somehow, Brooke picked up speed.
She ran into the waiting area and saw it was empty. The last passengers were filing out the door to the bus. Brooke ran over to the door and tried to push her way out.
“Miss, MISS! You can’t go out there without a ticket, passengers only.”
“You don’t understand! I have to tell her!” Brooke was getting scared and desperate now, she tried pushing through again but she was held back while they closed the door. “Sam!” Brooke cried as she bodily hit the door, tears streaming down her face. Brooke ran over to the window where she could see the passengers loading. She caught sight of the brunette about to step onto the bus and started pounding on the window screaming “SAM!”
* Last call, bus 453 to LA now boarding *
Sam heard the last call to board the bus and walked over to the door leading to the loading area. She didn’t know why she waited so long. It was if she was waiting for something… or someone. She handed the guy her ticket. He said something pleasant to her but she didn’t hear it. She walked through the door towards the bus. She hesitated. “Am I doing the right thing?” she whispered to herself. * You’re alone. Noone loves you. Noone will ever love you. You see? Noone came to stop you. You’re alone. * The voice in her head spoke up.
Sam looked up at the driver of the bus, a tear falling down her face. The bus driver looked at her concerned, “Maam? You alright?”
Suddenly there was some kind of commotion behind her. She turned to look but couldn’t see what it was.
“Maam? Are you getting on?” The bus driver asked a tad impatiently.
* She won’t come for you, You’re alone. Noone loves you, You will always be alone. *
“Yea.” Sam told the driver. Sam hung her head and grabbed the railing and started to step onto the bus when she heard it.
Sam heard the pounding and the yell. It was muffled by something but she could hear it. She knew instantly who it was though. She wanted to pretend she didn’t hear it but she couldn’t.
“SAM! DON’T LEAVE ME!” The pounding continued.
Sam’s hand covered her mouth and she sobbed, still not looking back. There was a battle going on in her head. She couldn’t move. Something was telling her so desperately to stay, but the voice kept telling her to leave.
* Brooke doesn’t love you. Noone loves you. You’re alone.*
“SAM! DON’T LEAVE ME! I LOVE YOU!”
In the deep recesses of her mind, The Beast saw a warrior on the horizons of its plans. A beautiful blonde warrior dressed in platinum armor. The Beast knew it couldn’t defeat this warrior. It gave up and retreated, vowing to appear another day.
Sam felt her head clear up a little. The voice in her head quiet. She finally turned to look at Brooke, tears streaming down her face. Brooke smiled at her. Her smile was full of hope, happiness, and love. Sam walked over to the window, looking at the girl she loved through the glass.
“Sammy, I love you. Please don’t leave me.”
Sam sobbed with joy. She ran over to the door and the guy at the door held it open for her. She rushed through and stopped. There standing before her was the girl she loved. The girl she now knew loved her back. Brooke held her arms open for her, saying quietly “I love you.”
Sam sobbed and rushed into her arms. Both girls holding each other tightly as if afraid they will be torn apart forever. “Oh Sammy, I love you so much! You can’t leave me.”
“You love me?” Sam looked into Brooke’s love-filled eyes and whispered more to herself, “I’m not alone.”
“Sammy, you’re not alone. I love you. You’ll never be alone again.”
Suddenly both girls heard, outside the window, the people outside were cheering. Both girls turned to look at them, suddenly realizing they had an audience. Laughing to themselves, they didn’t seem to care. Sam laid her head on Brooke’s shoulder. “I love you Brooke.”
* * *
The girls were sitting on a bench in the waiting area. Brooke had called Jane on her cell phone telling her they were alright and they’d be home soon.
“Sammy, why didn’t you tell me! Why were you going to leave?”
“I thought you were straight. The voice kept telling me I was alone, that you didn’t love me.” Sam hung her head.
“Well, don’t listen to it! You’re not alone, and I DO love you.”
“I know you do now, I love you too. It’s just that the voice was so insistent.”
“Was?” Brooke asked, concerned.
“The voice disappeared when you told me you loved me.”
“Well, if it comes back, don’t listen to it. Listen to me now and remember this. Samantha McPherson, I love you. I love you with all my heart. I will never leave you. You will never be alone again for as long as we both live.” Brooke reached into her pocket and pulled something out.
Sam’s eyes got wide as Brooke opened up a small box and presented it to her. It was a beautiful Peridot ring, her birthstone. Brooke looked into Sam’s eyes which showed a lot of nervousness and a little fear, and smiled at her shyly.
“Sammy, I love you. Will you be mine?”
Sam’s hands were shaking as she took the ring. She looked at Brooke and saw she was very nervous, waiting for her reaction. The ring was beautiful. It was more than a Valentine’s day gift. It was a promise of love. She took the ring and placed it on her finger. “I love you Brooke. Of course I’ll be your girl.” Both girls hugged each other tightly. Sam pulled back and rested her forehead against Brooke’s.
Both girls looked deep into each other’s eyes, their faces serious. They both knew what was coming next and both were nervous. They slowly leaned towards each other. Brooke whimpered the instant before their lips met in a soft kiss. The kiss was soft and gentle, their lips softly pressed together, it seemed that it lasted for hours when it was only a few seconds. When they separated, Brooke looked into Sam’s eyes and saw hurt there.
“What’s wrong?” She asked nervously.
“You gave me such a beautiful gift, I don’t have anything for you.”
Brooke smiled brightly at her new girlfriend, “Sammy, you’re the best Valentine’s day gift I could ever want.”
Sam smiled back at Brooke “I love you! I love you so much!” She then crushed her lips against the other girl’s. Their kiss no longer soft and gentle, but now born of passion and hunger. Sam pressed her tongue against Brooke’s lips, insistently demanding entry. Brooke opened her mouth and met Sam’s tongue with her own. Both girls were desperately grabbing at each other, simply trying to devour each other.
When they parted, Brooke was breathless, “Maybe we should continue this at home.”
“I think that’s a good idea. I do have something for you, but we might get arrested if I give it to you in public.” Sam’s eyes were full of lust and passion.
Brooke’s eyes got wide, “SAMMY!” She exclaimed, slapping the girl on the shoulder. Sam giggled at her girlfriend.
* * *
As they walked out of the bus station, arms around each other, Brooke turned to her girlfriend and asked “ ’Sam McQueen?’ ”
Sam smiled shyly, “Well, I… Uh… They wanted a name… and…” She trailed off.
“Sam McPherson-McQueen and Brooke McQueen-McPherson. Sounds lovely to me.”
“Yeah.” Sam smiled. They held each other tightly as they walked to Brooke’s car, and headed home.
A/N: Ok, I paraphrased one line from Dragonlance. Guess which one? Apologies to TSR Inc.
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