Train of Thought

Title: Train of Thought

Author: Megan

Feedback: Yes, please. Just be gentle, I break easily.

Pairing: Brooke/Sam.. sorta.

Summary: Sam's thoughts during a train ride.

Disclaimer: Don't own any of the characters. Also, that one line is stolen from a 10000 Maniacs song, Jezebel

Notes: Takes place some time after season two. Let's say a year. Haven't seen all the episodes, so sorry about all the inaccuracies that might pop up. Also, Nicole never flattened Brooke. This little bitty was kind of inspired by a certain Coca-Cola commercial. A super-happy smiley to any and all who guess which one.

"Come on Brooke! Run!", Harrison glances back and shouts to her before jumping in through the open door. Lily and Josh are also cheering her on, "Hurry up! It's moving already."

Brooke tries to smile while picking up speed. She's wearing a blue ankle length dress which makes running hard. But she still makes it. Josh grabs her hand and pulls her inside just as the door closes, "God Brooke! For such an `athlete' you sure run like a girl!", I smirk while she's trying to catch her breath, "I mean, aren't you the one always going on about how grueling the cheerleading can be?"

"Shut up Sam", she utters through the desperate attempts of inhaling, "Next time get your damn sweater yourself then", she goes on after her breathing settles down, "Or better yet, don't leave it lying everywhere."

I take the shirt as she offers it and consider making another stingy comment. I decide against it, "Thanks."

"No problem", she answers and follows Lily and Josh deeper into the car.

I watch her go and start to follow when Harrison stops me, "Hey, I had a great time. How about you?", I give him what I hope is a happy smile and nod. He smiles back and pulls me closer.

Kissing Harrison always feels so wrong. I don't love him. I don't have romantic feelings towards him. But I do it anyways. Cause I don't know how to avoid it. I really should tell him the truth. I should've told him the truth ages ago. Now it's too late. He has these great expectations of us. Besides, if I try real hard I know I can learn to love him. He is after all a great guy. And totally devoted to me.

After the kiss ends we set out after the others. Whatever we do these days, Lily and Josh are always with us. I make sure of it. Things are easier in a group. Not so much pressure. And often times Brooke comes along. She comes because I ask her to. She comes even though she has to feel left out being the only single.

"Hey! Cool idea this concert trip Sam", Josh says when we find them. I smile at him. He and Lily are sharing a bench. We take a seat opposite from them, with our backs to the front of the train.

"Yeah! Super idea Sam! I just SO love the Back. Street. Boys", Brooke says over pronunciating every word. She is slouching on her very own bench across the aisle and is quite comfily resting her head on the window, "Maybe next week we can go see Britney."

I return her mocking smirk with my own, "You know Brooke, no one forced you to come", Harrison steps in for my defense. Things are always awkward between the two.

Brooke opens her mouth to respond, but I jump in. I hate it when they start to argue, "Next time you pick the band, okay Brooke?"

"Fine", she says and drops the subject.

I smile at her, but she doesn't see it. Her head is turned and she's looking out the window. Sometimes she looks so lonely. She hardly sees her old friends anymore. Not after the football season ended and there was no need for the cheer-team anymore. Not that she seemed to spend that much time with them this year anyways. She and Nicole had some big falling out around the time we were fighting over Harrison. I asked her once what happened, and she just shrugged and said it had been time to move on. I let it go cause, quite frankly, I was happy she wasn't friends with the Satan anymore.

And it made things better between us two. We grew closer. Became like sisters. It happened so fast during the summer, and before I knew it I had made the biggest mistake of my life. We had become sisters, and it was so not what I wanted.

"Hey Brooke, how about that Gary guy you were flirting with outside? He was quite the looker", Lily does her best to lift the girls spirits.

Brooke turns to Lily and looks like she's about to vomit, "That Gary-guy was a total idiot. You should've heard the things he was saying."

Another thing about the new lonely Brooke is, that she seems to have totally given up dating. She goes on dates when we fix her up with someone but they always seem to end into a disaster. And secretly I'm always happy. I don't ever wanna see her happy with some guy. Selfish I know, but that's me. Deep in my head I'm still harboring this thought that one day I'll tell her the truth. And she'll smile and say, `I knew it! I always knew it!' And everything will be just perfect.

"You always say that", Harrison starts again. I take a hold of his hand and squeeze it slightly so he would stop. But he doesn't, "No one ever seems to measure up to your standards Brooke."

I steal a look from her behind Harrison's back, plead for her to let it go. She shrugs and says nothing. Thank you. Silence falls into the car. It is completely empty besides us. The silence is a burden at first, making everyone uncomfortable. But when it drags on for a few minutes we all relax. Brooke sinks deeper into her bench and falls asleep. Lily and Josh follow her example and are resting against each other. Even Harrison closes his eyes and rests his head on my shoulder. Leaving me alone to deal with the overwhelming thoughts already flooding my brain.

After they've all escaped into the dreamland, I can safely start ogling my sister again. It's like a torture. Being able to see her everyday, and never being able to touch her the way I want to, to tell her how I really feel. Once again I curse my pigheadedness. I had two years to do something about it. Two years to make things go my way. But I wasted that time on denial, wasted it fighting with her on everything. It all came down to that stupid, no, moronic competition over Harrison. My initial joy over my victory soon faded when I saw how Brooke changed. At first I thought she was just jealous and mad over losing him. But soon I realized she never even wanted him. It was all about the competition. She came up and apologized for acting like a total ass. And I forgave her. She said she was happy me and Harrison were together. And for a month or two, so was I. I was also happy things had changed between me and Brooke, and that we were becoming closer.

Until that one day. Mom had dug up some old photos of Brooke and Mike from the garage. And there was this one that had a ten-year-old Brooke sitting on the sidewalk and smiling the most beautiful smile. I looked at it for almost an hour, trying to think why it fascinated me so much. Why it was so precious. And I didn't get it. Not until some days later, when I was arguing with my mother about something stupid and happened to glance over my shoulder. Brooke was there sitting on the sofa, enjoying the spectacle, and smiling that same smile. It's that smile that made me realize. It's not her regular smile, it's her pure happiness smile. She doesn't give that to just anyone. I've only seen it that one time. And in that one photograph.

But by then it was already too late. We were sisters now. And I shouldn't have those kind of feelings towards my sister. So I keep burying them deeper and deeper, hoping that one day they will stay buried.

But, oh God!, how pretty is she sleeping there like that! I have to look away and sigh out of frustration. My eyes happen to fall on Lily. And Lily's eyes happen to be on me. She's been looking at me looking at Brooke. And there's an awkward smile on her face.

"Thought you were asleep", I say and turn to look out the window. Into the darkness. It's midnight.

"Apparently", I wonder how much she knows. How much she has guessed. We spend a LOT of time together, and Lily's much more observant than the guys. And even Harrison seems to have picked up on something, why else would he be so hostile towards Brooke, "Things can't go on like this Sam."

I don't answer immediately. I know they can't. But how do I change it. Should I just cut her out of my life completely? I can't. I'm the best friend she has. Almost the only friend she has. And I'm her sister, "I'll try harder. I know I can do it. I know I can love Harrison."

"You're straining too hard for feelings you ought to come by easily Sam."

I smile and even laugh a little despite the pain the words cause me, "Borrowing words from songs, Lily? I never thought you'd stoop to that low."

"Hey!", she pretends to be offended, "I never thought you'd recognize them. And second of all, the song fits perfectly your situation."

"Yeah, I recognize them", the smile disappears. And sadness replaces it. I feel tears forming in my eyes, "Brooke plays the Maniacs on daily basis."

Lily disentangles herself from Josh and extends her hand to me. I don't take it but she lays it on my knee, "She does? I never thought it her kind of music. Actually, I always thought she'd be more into the Back Street Boys."

"I think she used to be", I say as the first tears roll down my face. I'm still staring out, "But sure you've seen the change in her this past year? I mean look at what she's wearing for crying out loud!", I turn and look at Brooke again myself. She's wearing the blue skirt, and a white hand-knitted cardigan. A year ago she wouldn't have been caught dead on such an outfit. But I think she looks even more adorable now that she's not playing the super-model.

Lily laughs a little and shakes her head, "You are right", she says, "And you're wrong. You can't force yourself into loving Harrison", like that's any of your business.

I turn and glare at her. Then I hastily brush aside the tears, "Go back to sleep Lily", I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to think about it.

"Sam.."

I get up too abruptly and wake up Harrison, "Wha.. where... Sam?", he mumbles with a sleepy voice.

"I'm going for a little walk", I say with as sweet a voice as I can manage. I don't wait for his answer. I don't want him to come with me. I don't want him to offer to come with me. Cause then I'll have to be the bad guy again, declining his offer, saying I'd rather be alone.

I walk to the next car and sit down. It's almost as empty as ours. Only a young couple making out some five seats down from me. As soon as I'm left to my own devices, Brooke comes back to haunt me again. I cannot stop thinking about her. I cannot stop thinking about her in a non-sisterly way.

What if I just told her? Right now. Got up from this seat, went back, dragged her away and told her. Yeah.. she'd probably throw me off the train. Or jump herself. Cause no one wants to know their sister is lusting after them. And I am a sister to her. Nothing more, nothing less. A sister. That's not so bad, get to be close to her... oh, who am I kidding?! It's the worst! Why on earth did it take me so long to realize it?! Why am I stuck in this relationship with Harrison?

Stop whining! I'm not stuck. I wanted this. This is meant to be. I just have to try harder. Harrison is a great guy, he loves me, and I know I can learn to love him. I have to learn to love him. Then I can get over these feelings for Brooke. And we can all live happily ever after. Yeah...

"Sam, are you okay?", Harrison comes up from behind me. See, stupid, see how much he cares about you?

I get up and smile and give him a hug. This isn't so hard, "Yeah. You are so sweet, and I... I...", it's just a word. Say it. Say it and mean it, "Love you", it's no more than a whisper. But I think he hears it. My mouth is right next to his ear, after all.

We walk back to our own car and everyone's awake. Brooke is sitting her back straight for a change. And she smiles at me. It's not the happiness smile, but it's a smile, "We're almost home...", she says with the sweetest voice, "sis."

ende

Thanks for reading,
Megan