Title: Lost In Moments

Author: Megan

Email: shy_grrl@hotmail.com

Disclaimer: Not a thing is mine.

Summary: The last entries of a diary, that once belonged to a girl.

Archive: http://www.realmoftheshadow.com/megan.htm (My eternal gratitude to Kim for saving my stories from oblivion)

Author's Notes: Just a small thing. Sad, and depressing. Like me. Sorry bout the weird date for the prom, I took it from the original airing date of the last ep. You kinda have to know what happens in that, to get anything out of this story.

Wednesday evening, 16th of May,

Threesome date... what the Hell was I thinking? How is that supposed to make anything better? How is it supposed to help me one bit? Me and my screwed up head. Christ. I need a new brain.

It was just... this ridiculous need to be with her. Sometimes I'll do anything, say anything, if it just earns me a few miserable moments with her. And this way I get to spend the entire night with her. This way I get to go to the prom with her.

Years from now, when I've finally managed to tell her how I feel, and we are hopelessly in love, we can say that we did go to our prom together. We'll have this night. Even if it isn't perfect, with Harrison there, and even if it doesn't count for anything more than a few moments, at least I can say that I went to my prom with the girl I love.

Years from now... I can barely wait for the happy times. Today I saw this image of the future, while studying her eating habits. It had me and Sam sitting in a cafe somewhere. She was smiling, and her hand was laid on top of mine. We weren't much older, so it can't be too far away.

Just around the corner. I can feel it. I only need a few more chances, and I'll be able to do it. I'll be able to say the right words. Only a few more perfect timings.

Like the one yesterday, when she fell asleep on the couch. And her head slumped down onto my shoulder. I actually said the words, practiced them on her while she was passed out. And she took it perfectly. Didn't freak out in the least. Just kept on sleeping peacefully. Very encouraging. When I woke her up, I was all set to blurt out an `I love you', but of course my brain short-circuited at that exact moment, and all I was able to utter were a few vowel sounds.

I NEED that new brain. Like, now.

Same date, later. (Like 2 am later! So... I guess it's actually 17th already. Whatever.)

She just got in. At 2 am! Working on the school newspaper... yeah right. I'm sure.

I'm SO gona suggest to the parents, that they put a curfew on Sam. It's not fair that she gets to trollop around the neighborhood at all hours of the night, just because she's some hot shot journalist wannabe. But I gotta do it subtly, so she won't be able to blame it on me. Cause that'd be bad.

"We didn't talk about the prom at all", she swore. Like I care. You can talk about the prom all you want with him. If you'd just talk to me about it too! How can she not see, how little I care about Harrison?

"This thing isn't right Brooke. We should make him choose", she also said. I wanted to scream at her. Tell her to stop talking about the idiot guy for a few lousy seconds. I wait up for her till 2 am, and all she can do is obsess about him. Not a single `How come you're up so late Brooke?'

I wish I could make her see, without putting myself in a vulnerable position. No I don't. I want to be at her mercy. I want her to look at me, and see that my life is hers. To do as she pleases. I want to be hers. I will be hers.

I just need a few more chances. And some sleep.

Thursday afternoonish, May Seventeen,

Another moment today. HE came by after school. To see the baby... and Sam. It's becoming increasingly laborious to act nice around HIM. To make it seem like I want to date HIM. And it's even harder to see the point of it all. I should just come right out, and tell HIM to choose Sam. But then they'd be together, and it would be impossible for me to have her. So I guess I'll keep on pretending to like HIM.

But the moment... it managed to completely take me by surprise. I was bummed out by HIS visit, all ready to slit my wrists. And then out of the blue, only minutes after HE was gone, Sam started with this tender talk. About how she was SO happy having me as a sister. And I started agreeing like the crazy person I am. Nodding and flailing about. Then after the words were spoken, there was a silent period, during which she smiled to me. I wanted to jump her right then and there. I wanted to kiss her so badly, more than I've ever wanted before.

Okay, so the sister part was uncalled for, but we can pretend it was never said. And if we forget that, there was definitely some powerful vibes emitting from her. I half expected her to open up to me, admit to having all kinds of step-incestuous feelings.

All in all, it was a good moment. But not the best. I kind of like that couch moment from Tuesday. She was so adorable. I wish I had a picture of that. I wish I had a picture of her sleeping. Maybe I could sneak into her room tonight... or maybe not.

Oh!, and yeah! I also had a dream regarding the coffee house future...

Damn! I knew I should've written it down in the morning. Now it's all blurry.

Sam wanted to tell me something... and she was stuttering, cause she couldn't find the words. And I started laughing...

All the details are gone. Now it's worthless. Why, oh why, didn't I write it down in the morning?! I knew I'd forget it! Stupid girl! Arrg!

Half an hour later,

Had to stop for a moment. Now I'm all showered and clean. And calm. It was just a dream. Nothing to go postal over. Only a dream, if a pretty one at that.

Also, ran into Sam in the bathroom. She was dressed only in this overly large shirt... nothing else. Oh my... but no more of that, or I'll need another shower. And I have to get some writing done.

I've made my choice: tomorrow it is. After the prom, I'll tell her. It has to be then. I can't let this Harrison fiasco go on any longer. It's already gone too far. People are bound to get hurt. I just hope it won't be Sam, cause I love her so much. I couldn't bare it, if she'd get hurt because of me.

After the prom, when we get home... that'll be another perfect timing. She'll be all excited because of the dance and stuff, and we'll share a few laughs about the evening, and then I just... slip in those three words. She won't even think twice about it, when I lean closer and kiss her. And then she'll smile, and say something cute like, `It was about time.' And things'll be perfect.

I already know exactly how it's gona go, and all I have to do now, is live it.

On a little sadder note, things with Nicole aren't good. I told her to get lost. To get the Hell out of my life. She hurt Sam once too many. I won't let her do that anymore. Never again. If she refuses to grow up, and start acting at least civil towards Sam, then I don't want to see her anymore. Funny though, how much it hurts to lose a friend. Even a bitch like Nicole. Just because she's been there for so long, it's like losing a part of myself. But if it's a choice between Sam and Nicole, it's not a choice at all. And I expect Nic'll be crawling back in a few days time. Apologizing. And I'll accept it. I'll believe her promises to change for the better. Cause she's my friend.

And I'll be on cloud number nine, because of Sam. It's easy to forgive people, when you're happy.

Still Thursday,

A quick description of Sam in the shirt. I'm off to shower anyways, so it won't matter.

It was a white T-shirt, with QUITE the generous neckline. What I meant by overly large, was that it reached just barely to her thighs. And when I walked in she was leaning front, washing her face, and the hem of the shirt had lifted ever so slightly. When she caught me ogling... well, lets just say I was blushing, and leave it at that.

I don't know why I'm even writing this down. Like I'd ever forget THAT image. And it's not like it's the first time. Or even the... most undressed version of Sam that I've seen. I mean we've shared the bathroom for two years. There's been plenty of baths in that time.

Promday morning, 18th of May,

God, I'm feeling weird. All hyper aware of everything. Like I'm awake, REALLY awake. Like I can hear everything, see everything. It has to be the excitement.

I hardly slept last night, things kept playing around in my head. How this will be the day. I finally get to say those words to her. And hear her say them back. I know she'll say them back. I know she loves me. I know she does. Stupid that it's taken me all this time to gather my nerve... but none of that regret stuff today. Today's about moving forward. Into the future.

Today I start a new life. How fitting that I feel more alive than ever before! I feel like laughing all the time. And I can't stop smiling. I hope this feeling never goes away. I hope Sam's feeling the same way.

It must be the excitement. But it's also something more. I mean, I have been excited before. And I've never felt this way.

Another dream again. During my short periods of sleep. This time from the past. I relived that day, when I first met Sam. Less than two years ago. I saw that moment, when I heard her name for the first time. In the cafeteria, after I caught her staring at me, and Sugar Daddy told me who she was...

God, how weird I feel. I better go put some food in me. Be right back.

Promday evening, got my dancing shoes on,

Okay, so I didn't get right back. Lots of distractions, a busy day. I'll record it tomorrow. Or never, since tomorrow's gona be plenty packed with lots of Sam.

Just a few moments until we leave for the dance. Harrison's gona be driving.

I wanted to put down some things.

First off, weirdness still remains. If anything, it's getting stronger. It's like, I can hear my heartbeat now. Sam was a little befuddled by my mood. She thought it was because I was feeling ecstatic about going to the prom with Harrison. I had to fight back the laughter, and the mocks.

Also, just a few minutes ago, I got this disturbing call from Nicole. She's wasted. And was threatening with all kinds of things. I didn't make much sense of her ramblings, but from what I could gather, she's probably heading this way. Luckily we're leaving, so I won't have to deal with her today. And I'm really glad she's not coming to the...

That's Sam calling. Gotta go.

The blonde girl closes her diary, and hides it into her drawer. She checks her makeup from the mirror once more, "Come on Brooke!", a female voice carries over to her from a distance. The girl smiles at the familiar voice, and the warm feeling that washes over her at the thought of its owner. She gets up and walks out the door.

Closing it behind her.

end

Megan

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