Title: Hunger

Author: Megan

Disclaimer: All things `Popular' belong to other parties who are not me.

Feedback: Sure, why not? shy_grrl@hotmail.com

Archiving: Kim, don't bother putting this up on the site. It's too... nonsensical.

Summary: Brooke's starving thoughts one misty morning.

Author's Notes: Sort of a stream of consciousness piece. I write these sometimes, when I can't sleep at night. Don't know why this one took a `Popular' twist. Take it as it is. And feel free to tear it to pieces.

Irrelevant Note: I have this memory burn of me and my sister as tiny babies sitting in our small kitchen floor, playing `Hungry Hungry Hippos'. It has to be one of my first memories of this life. Don't you just love those?

Ever been so hungry that eating is just no fun anymore? Of course not. The human body doesn't work like that. You have a need and filling it isn't only fun, it's a thrill. Ideally. But every once in a while there comes along a girl who has got her wires crossed. Guess it could be a boy too.

And me. I'm one such wacky experiment. Give me food when I'm starving and I'll spit on it. Tell me I'm too thin and I'll ask, "You think?" My voice brimming with hope. Tell me I look fine and I'll never speak to you again. Hate me and I'll make you love me. And when you love me, I'll despise you. Because I'm not perfect. And you're not supposed to love me when I'm less than perfect.

When I'm starving I hate food more than ever. It's tempting me with its luscious looks. The devil's invention, it has to be. Hunger. And food. Why would god make us hungry? It doesn't make any sense...

Oh boy. I know I'm in trouble when I start to have these religious debates with my mirror-twin. Ekoorb. She's got it pretty easy, that girl. Her wires are fixed just right. The bitch. I torture her by not letting her think. Ekoorb likes to think. She's got normal ideas about life and love. Too bad she only exists when I stare at her. She had a curious thought the other day, "Cucumber," she whispered to my ear, "It's tasty."

So I went down and ate one. And as I had suspected Ekoorb was lying. It wasn't tasty. It was very gross and almost got stuck in my throat when I tried to swallow too large chunks at a time. Midway through I started crying. But I didn't stop. By then I hated the cucumber so much I had to eat it, so it couldn't mock me anymore. Talk trash to the other vegetables. Vegetables talk. They make alliances and try to make me hate them all. And I do. Except carrots. Those I keep in a separate cupboard.

I have this theory. It goes where anorexia is nature's answer to world hunger. If everyone in America would just develop an eating disorder then there'd be enough food for the starving masses in other countries. Maybe... maybe not, I haven't actually done any calculations yet.

"A cucumber?" Sam asked incredulously, "Who eats a whole cucumber?"

"I did."

"How very weird of you," she said with a glimpse of a smile.

Winning Sammy's love in three easy steps: One, look sad and pathetic. Two, let Sam cheer you up. Three, smile. So, you have her love. What to do with it? I don't know about you, but I'll abuse it and then discard it. That's the way I'm built. How could I respect myself if I was with someone who respected me even when I'm not respectable...?

I'm confused now. That's gotta be a trick question.

Sammy came to my room last night. Apparently the Indigo Girls woke her up. I sometimes listen to music when I can't sleep from the hunger. And Sammy hates the Indigo Girls. "Yeah? Well so do I. I just thought I'm supposed to like them now."

"Shut up, Brooke," she said, "Let's play `Hungry Hungry Hippos'."

I don't know if that was supposed to be some subtle commentary on my... problem? Problem. I don't know if I care. I do know that `Hungry Hungry Hippos' is the most disgusting game on this earth. And I loved it as a kid. Hmmph. Probably why I was able to beat poor Sammy so devastatingly. "You goddamn hog! No wonder you're so fat!" she screamed on her way out.

A crappy loser. My stepsister. Nah. Her outburst had nothing to do with the game. Most likely everything to do with all those nasty things I said to her. About minding her own business. The orders about not touching my excessively fat body. And the cruel comment on her sloppy kissing habits. Well, who asked her to come and bother me, when I was in such a sour mood? That's right. I did, with the music. Serves her right for listening to an idiot like me.

Fat.

"Just how delusional are you? She's only trying to make you hurt. No one with a vision could call you fat and mean it."

Shut up, Ekoorb. Let's see how wise you are with my eyes closed...

Okay, I'm confused again. Come back. Please? I'm sorry. Thanks.

Fat. Fat.

Well, I'll show Sammy. I'm going on a hunger strike right now. I'm not gona eat anything until she apologizes.

"How's she gona know the difference?"

I'll tell her. That's how. Oh, but I hate her now. I can't talk to her when I hate her. You tell her?

"She doesn't know me."

I'll introduce you, "Sammy!" Yeah, this'll work... How come it's so misty in there, Ekoorb? Oh... wait... it's misty in here. That's weird. Maybe I left the... what on? Shower. On hot. Maybe it's morning mist.

"In your room?"

Could happen.

"What?" Sam asks. Sam's here. Lost somewhere in the mist.

"I'm sorry." Oops. Funny how that came out.

Ever loved a girl so much you're willing to apologize to her even when you hate her...?

Confused again. Still?

Fat. Fat. Fat.

"I'm sorry I'm so fat, Sam."

"For god's sake, Brooke!" she says, "You're not fat."

She's just saying that. Right? Ekoorb? Great. Go away when I need you the most. Stupid mirror. I need to clean it. Can't even see myself from it anymore. Oh, wait. That's because of the mist.

"Brooke? What are you looking at?"

Hey! Sam's doing magic tricks. She's multiplying her hand by waving it real fast in front of me! "Whee!" I clap and laugh. It's very pretty. So's Sam, "Do it again!" Ouch! The floor is HARD.

"Brooke?!" Sam calls out to me. She's disappeared in the mist. It's so thick now. I can't see anything from it. "What's wrong?"

"Sam? Your kisses aren't sloppy."

Ever been so in love with someone that everything made sense?

Me neither.

< end >