Title: Healing

Author: Majandra

Email: flavorlesschocolate@hotmail.com

Summary: Sam and Brooke are continuing to see their psychologist. Things are beginning to look up… slowly.

Disclaimer: Not mine. Blah, blah, woof, woof.

Author's Notes: Happier than the last one, but we're not out of the woods yet. I don't know exactly where this is heading.

Part 1: SAM
Long time no see, huh?

It has been a while since I've been in, Doc. And I guess there's a reason for that. Looking after Brooke has kind of been a full time job for the last month or so, because for a while there she steadily got clingier and clingier. Now, of course, we're starting to make some progress and she's getting better, but nothing major has happened yet.

I don't know what to tell you. She doesn't talk, not about the incident. She hardly talks at all. She won't talk to anyone outside the family, and she only gives short answers when spoken to by Mom or Mike, and the only person… PEOPLE she really opens up to are Mac and I. She and I have had some long conversations about how she's feeling, and what her plans for the future are. She wants to go to college, and I think that with a bit of work on her happiness, she can do that.

The other day we woke up and just looked at each other. She's been sleeping in my bed pretty much full time now, no hanky panky as of yet but she's not fully healed yet. She looked at me, and she gave me the strangest look before she smiled sadly. She does that a lot. She smiles sadly.

We got up and Brooke made a beeline for Mac. Playing with Mac must be one of the only outlets she gets these days. I've seen smiles of pure joy on her face when she's playing with the baby. That's the only time, though.

Actually, last Saturday I tried an experiment. I started up our ritual again. She seemed to enjoy poring over the paper with me… actually, maybe she was enjoying it a bit too much. She seemed to be getting nice and close to me. But I chose the movie. So we went down to the cinema, and we sat down in the theatre. But I ate most of the popcorn.

At one stage, I looked over at her, and she looked miserable. Not because of the movie… I don't know how to explain it. But I reached over and took her hand, and as I watched her face light up I knew that this thing she has for me isn't going to go away. Not any time soon, anyhow.

As we discussed the movie over dinner, she ate a small meal, which I was proud of her for, and I told her so. The most beautiful smile lit her up from the outside in, and I suddenly got scared. Why does she love me so much? And what am I going to do? Because I have to think, eventually she's going to want to try something, maybe, and I don't know if I can do that.

Yes, I know last time I was here I said something about being in love with another girl. Do you really think talking about her is going to do any good? The issue here is Brooke.

Trying to understand me isn't important, how many times do I have to tell you that? The ISSUE here is BROOKE.

Fine. But I'm not giving you any specifics.

She goes to school with me. She's probably the last person anyone would ever picture me with. Probably, she doesn't even know I'm alive. But I see her. I watch her walk around in front of me everyday. She's beautiful… well, to me, anyway. I don't think anyone would call her classically beautiful. I look at her and if I'm thinking clearly, I can catalogue the flaws in her face, mention weak points in her figure. But most of the time when I see her, I'm not thinking clearly.

When she walks into a room that I'm in, it's like the world stops. I watch her come in and my heart, it leaps into my throat, and it's like I'm choking on it. I dream of her, dream of us together… well, you asked me to tell you about her! If you weren't ready to hear it, you shouldn't have asked.

She loves guys… well, one guy in particular. That bothers me. She should be with me… but I want her to be happy. Even if that means I don't get to be with her. She's single at the moment, but I don't think that's going to last long.

I think the thing that kills me the most is that we're not as close as we could be, as we should be. I can say hi to her, and she says hi back, but it's not like we're very good friends. Sometimes I think she wishes I would just not talk to her.

But I'm here to talk about Brooke. Brooke came back to school not long after the incident, and as soon as the faculty found out she wasn't talking, they switched her into all of my classes so I could talk for her. I don't know why they did that. If it had been anyone else, they would have just got her psychiatric help, but since it's Brooke McQueen, everybody's golden girl, they're pandering to her… for now.

I'm not bitter. I think it's a good idea to keep her with me. At least this way, I can protect her. I didn't think she was ready to come back, not by a long shot, but she had to otherwise the parentals would have known something was up. I still don't think she's ready to be here, but she's being a real trooper. I search the bathroom every night for anything she could use to try again, though.

Look, if I'm going to keep coming back here, we need to establish that I'm here to talk about my anxiety about Brooke, okay? This isn't about me, and it's not about any girls I may be in love with. It's about her, and how she's only barely coping. Is that clear?

Thank you.

Part 2: BROOKE
I think I'm getting better.

Coming here once a week has helped, I think. I'm definitely thinking clearer. And I've set some goals, and I really think I've made progress on the eating thing.

Thanks. That means a lot to me.

Anyway, I have the most exciting news to tell you. Sammy and I are getting together, finally!

Yeah, I'm sure, I wouldn't have said it otherwise!

Okay, it's like this. She lets me sleep with her all the time now. She doesn't even ask if I'm going to sleep with her, she just assumes I will. So I've slept in there pretty much full time for the last month. And… I don't know, it's just little things, you know? Little things like, uh, she always hugs me, right? Just walks over and hugs me for no apparent reason. And when I hug her, she automatically hugs back, real hugs, though, like, warm and fuzzy hugs. I love them.

Last Saturday she took me to the movies. I tried to help her choose the movie, honestly, but having her so close distracted me. And then when we got there, I felt bad that she'd paid for everything, and I'm not sure but I think I must have had a sad look on my face because she reached over and she held my hand, for real.

I was ecstatic.

I think maybe she's coming around. Soon, very soon, she's going to realize I'm more than a friend to her, and she's going to make the first move and kiss me. Have I ever shown you a picture of her? I have one, here, in my purse… Here…

Duh, haven't I been saying from the start that she's gorgeous?

Anyway, if you look at that photo, you'll see why the kissing is such a big thing for me. Look at her lips. They were made for kissing, heck, they cry out for the kissing! They're full, and luscious. Look at her bottom lip, that's the bit that gets me every time. I just want to suck on it…

Okay, okay, I know. I'm getting carried away again. I'll stop.

I haven't been back to the quack since the incident. Ha, get it? I haven't been BACK to the QUACK. Damn, I'm good. Sam says he's a bad man cos he gave me sleeping pills when he should have known that someone as depressed as me would have tried… what I tried.

Can I ask you something?

Well, it's just, with the Sam thing, and the eating thing, and the trying to kill myself thing, do you think I'm crazy? I don't feel normal, that's all. I walk around the school, and I know what people are thinking. They all know that I was in hospital. Everyone probably thinks it was because of my eating disorder again. And they're half right. But I wonder how many people actually know the extent of my depression. I know Sam would never tell anyone. She's my staunch little Sammy.

Sometimes I have these moments of incredible clarity, you know? And in those moments, I can see what's wrong with me, and I think I can almost see how to fix it, and then I see that to fix it, I honestly think I need Sam. I need to have her by my side, and not in a friend capacity. I want her to be my lover. I need her to be my lover.

Her birthday is coming up. I want to get her something really nice, but I can't go out by myself to get it for her. I'm not ready. I think I'm going to have to confide in Jane, which is something I haven't done in ages.

Did I tell you what happened the last time I tried to talk to Jane? I thought I'd break out of the self-imposed silence that I'd been in since the incident. I walked over to her and I took Mac from her. I sniffed her little behind and I knew she needed to be changed, so I figured it would keep my hands busy while I tried to talk.

"Jane," I began neutrally. She was surprised to hear my voice, you could tell, but she let me go on changing Mac.

"Brooke," she replied carefully.

"How are things?" I asked. This conversation wasn't really going anywhere, and I had trouble remembering what it was I wanted to say to her, if anything at all. I cooed at Mac.

"Fine thanks. How about yourself? I barely hear you speak nowadays. Is there anything going on that you wanted to talk about? You know you can always come to me, because I'll always listen. You do know that, don't you?"

I could feel the bile rising in my throat. I wasn't ragging on Jane, I just… I felt trapped. I had to get out. I knew I was either going to be very sick or cry a lot, so I decided to make a quick exit.

"Uh yeah," I mumbled. "I'm going to take Mac to my room, okay?"

"Okay," she agreed, looking at me. Her eyes were drilling holes in me. I couldn't breathe. I had to run, I had to find Sam.

I grabbed Mac and practically sprinted up the stairs, where I sat on Sam's bed and rocked Mac back and forth. I don't know whom I was trying to comfort, the baby… or myself.

So if I want to get Sam the perfect present, one for her birthday that's also for us getting together, I have to be strong. And talk to Jane.

Ciao.

Part 3: SAM
It was my birthday yesterday.

I don't know how she did it, but Brooke got me the one thing I truly wanted, a plain silver ring. The only person who even knew I wanted one was Mom, and she said she wouldn't buy me one because it was too expensive. And then Brooke goes out and buys one for me.

Why does she love me so much?

It's kind of weird, the feelings I have these days. On the one hand, I'm so in love with this other girl that sometimes I don't think I'm going to live to see another day. On the other hand, I find myself wanting more and more to be able to feel the way about Brooke that she feels about me, just to make her feel good about herself. I want more than anything to be the one thing that snaps her out of this depression. Do you think that's incredibly selfish?

Well, yes, in a way it IS, because even though my goal is for her to get better, ultimately I'm doing it for my own selfish self-serving reasons. That makes me feel bad.

Anyway, yesterday I turned eighteen. This means, Mom says, that I can legally move out and start my own life should I so choose. I don't know that I could, not without Brooke. She means more to me than I usually like to let on. I know if I left, and moved out to be on my own, she wouldn't last very long. She doesn't even talk to anyone other than me. She wouldn't last a day.

Actually, that's a lie. I caught her talking to my Mom the other day. I don't know what they were talking about, but it must have been something good because Brooke had almost lost that haunted look she always has in her eyes, and she looked almost animated. Mom was looking pretty happy too. I guess it's because for the longest time Brooke wouldn't open up to her, and that hurt her. Everything is starting to fall into place. All my ducks are almost in a row. But I still couldn't leave Brooke.

You know, I never thought of it that way. Could I really?

Wait, I have to think about this. Take her with me? It's doable, I guess, but I don't know that Mike would go for it. Although, if I were to announce I was leaving, Brooke would most probably want to go with me, so he'd let her. He'd have no other choice.

It is something to think about, and maybe talk over with my Mom. But do you really think it'd be good for Brooke's recovery?

There's something else exciting going on in the McPherson McQueen household you ought to know about. Mac said her first word the other day. And do you know what it was?

"Bwooke."

Brooke burst into tears when she heard that, and I rushed to her, because I didn't know why she was crying. I hadn't heard Mac, you see. But Brooke sobbed out the story, and snuggled into my arms and got comfortable. Looking after Mac has been good for Brooke, I think.

Yes I am!

I AM telling you everything!

I'm not hiding anything. I'm telling you everything that pertains to the situation with Brooke. There's nothing else to say.

Fine, all right? I turned a corner in the corridor and caught my love kissing a guy the other day. I wasn't going to tell you, because, like I said, this isn't about me. It's about Brooke.

How do you THINK I felt? I wanted to die, I honestly did. I was considering going to home, to the bathroom, to use my razor on my wrists. Only, because of Brooke, razors aren't kept in the bathroom anymore, so that plan was out. I stood there, and watched her kiss this guy, a guy who has been fairly close to Brooke and myself, and I felt my heart shrivel and die. I wanted her so bad, and yet this was the one clarifying moment that told me I was never going to get her. She looked so happy, and of course I was happy for her, but I was devastated for myself at the same time. I am a selfish, selfish person.

Oh, what would you know! I am so!

Anyway, I rushed home and I cried a little, and I hugged Brooke. Really, she's the only constant thing in my life right now.

I don't know. What is there for me to do? School's nearly over, and I could move out and take her with me. I think that's what's going to end up happening…

Oh, you mean about that.

I don't know. I think the only thing left for me to do is try to get over her, try to be better friends with her even, and move on. Move on to what, I don't know. But I have to move on. And hey, if worse comes to worst, I could always fall back on Brooke… what am I saying? That's incredibly poor taste. She's vulnerable enough right now without me playing with her emotions. Jeez I'm a bitch today!

Would I ever? It depends, I guess. This whole time, I've been saying I couldn't see her as any more than a sister, and yet I suppose I've been seeing her as more than that for a while now. Sisters fight. We never do. She's like the best friend I have ever had, and yet…

No, I don't know. I'll have to see what my gut reaction is the next time she tries something… if she ever does. If it feels right, I'm going to go for it. Consequences, be damned. I deserve to be happy too, and I'm pretty sure this would make her happy.

I have been nothing but surly and abusive today, and I apologize for that. I'm going to leave before I insult your mother or something.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. How long ago?

Fourteen years is a long time, but not long enough, I guess. Not to really get over something like that. I'm sorry. I'll see you around, okay?

Part 4: BROOKE
I think I've died and gone to heaven!

The other night at supper, Sam asked Jane something I never thought I'd hear.

See, she turned eighteen about a week ago, as you know, and I bought her something really awesome. I talked to Jane, even though in the beginning it was like pulling teeth (mine, not hers) and my stomach was threatening to revolt. I got through the conversation, and now she and I have had a few casual, carefully non-committal conversations. I'm getting back to normal. I even told Jane what's been going on. She was, of course, horrified and shocked, and she cried a bit, but she's been really supportive and helped me as much as she can.

The point is, now that Sam's eighteen, she's allowed to move out and so on and so forth. But I never thought she'd make use of that opportunity, I thought she was happy and content enough to live here for a few more years… But the other night at the supper table, she asked Jane if she could move out after finals.

She was a bit surprised, but I think she's been seeing this coming for a while. She agreed, and even volunteered to help Sam look for apartments. Then Sam delivered the real bombshell.

"I think it would be best if Brooke came and lived with me."

She wants me to move in with her! She told Jane it was because she wanted to look after me, and she thought she, Sam, would be the best person for me at the moment. I just looked around the table with big puppy eyes, waiting to see what would happen next. Jane said, get this; pending agreement from my father, she doesn't have a problem with it. In fact, she thinks it's a great idea!

So Sam and I are set to move in together straight after finals. We haven't found a place yet but Sam and Jane are looking. Nothing has been said about bedroom arrangements, but I'm biding my time. What do you think?

I am NOT wasting my time. Sam will be mine. Everything is falling into place. Slowly.

I don't think there's anything I'll miss about the Palace, except possibly Mac, and Daddy… and Jane of course.

Sam has seemed sort of… different lately. The other day she rushed home, rushed into the living room, saw me and practically fell into my arms, crying. I tried to ask her what was wrong, but she wouldn't tell me. I think something happened at school, something bad, and it's killing me that I can't help her. Funny, when lately I'VE been the one who needs all the help.

I've been really nice to her since then. I make her supper, and I give her breakfast in bed, cos I love her and I want her to be happy. I even coaxed a smile out of her the other day. God, we're so alike, aren't we?

Anyway, now that we're both in the same boat, so to speak… I think it may be time to make my move. Sometime in the very near future, I'm going to pull her into a hug, and then I'm going to kiss her.

You think I'm crazy now, don't you. You are so convinced that I'm wasting my time. Well, you'll see. She loves me; she just doesn't know it yet. I'm going to make her see.

Part 5: SAM
I'm a bad, awful person

No, I really am! I'm taking advantage of my clinically depressed soon to be stepsister. How sick and sad is that?

Well, Mom found me a place, even offered to pay the bond and the first month's rent. I move in day after finals. No, that's not the problem. Brooke's as excited as I am.

My problem began about a week ago. Brooke and I decided to make beef stroganoff. She was boiling the water for the noodles while I did the chopping (force of habit, can't be too careful!) and then she sort of looked up from what she was doing, as I put the last of the mushrooms in the pot and brushed off my hands.

She reached out for a hug so I went to her, and we sort of just held each other for a couple of minutes. I went to pull away and she kind of grabbed me round the hips and held me there. Some part of me must have known what was going to happen next, but of course, denial isn't just a river in Egypt.

Well what do you THINK happened next? She leaned in and kissed me.

I wasn't THINKING much of anything. She was just kissing me gently, and me being the awful person I am, I kissed back. God, I'm a bitch!

It was good. Actually, all of my misgivings aside, I think it could have been what both of us needed. It was just a nice, gentle kiss that gave both of us the feeling of needing and being needed. I wanted to lose myself in the feeling of her lips moving over mine, my tongue softly invading her mouth. Her hands left my hips and settled around my neck, while I rested my arms around her lower back. There wasn't a hell of a lot closer we could have got without stripping off and going to the bedroom…

No, we didn't do anything like that.

Well, why don't you tell me how you THINK I should feel about this? Cos I don't know about you, but kissing Brooke makes me feel GUILTY. There again, it did feel really good.

Then? Well, when oxygen became an issue we broke apart and just looked at each other. I think the look on my face must have been dazed and somewhat goofy. I know the look on Brooke's face was one of definite satisfaction. I couldn't help myself. The feeling of Brooke being like a sister to me was rapidly evaporating, and I could see she had some pretty "girlfriend" like qualities about her. I kissed her again.

Mom was out, thank God! Mike was working, and I think Mac was with Mom. She wasn't in the house, anyhow.

Eventually. We must have stood there making out in the kitchen for twenty minutes, half an hour or even more. I don't know, I wasn't exactly watching the clock. But as I was saying, eventually it was taken to the bedroom.

Huh? Oh, her. I was quite content to stand there and kiss her in the kitchen for all of eternity, but Brooke was pulling on my arm gently, trying to get me to go upstairs with her.

Well, yeah, I WENT, what do you take me for? I'm many things, but not stupid. I wasn't going to pass up an opportunity like that.

One we got to her bedroom she locked the door and it was then I realized things were going way too fast. It was just after her top was on the floor and I was staring at her chest that I stopped her. My conscience made me.

Then we just lay there. I knew we should talk about what had just happened, but I had no idea how to start. In the end it was her who spoke first.

"I'm sorry."

I wanted to know what she was sorry for. She said it was because she'd gone too far, overstepped the bonds of friendship. It was like she had this entire spiel worked out, and as I watched her speak – babble, really – I could see her getting more and more worked up.

I cut her off by kissing her.

Since then she's used any excuse to get me alone so we can kiss. I've been just as bad. Once I crept into her room at three in the morning, crawled into bed with her and kissed her awake. I need her as much as she needs me.

It's only a couple of weeks until finals. Like I said, we move into our new place the day after. I don't know it Brooke knows this, but I've sort of made some plans for our first night there.

Only if she wants to! But I've got a sneaking suspicion she does want to, she's been getting more and more insistent when we make out.

Um, only once. Mom sort of walked in on us snatching a quick kiss-and-grope in the laundry room when we were supposed to be folding and sorting. She hasn't said anything, so we haven't either. I guess that means either she's fine with it or she's repressing.

Me? I'm dealing. I've come to terms with the fact that Mary Cherry is out of my league. I don't even want her anymore. I love Brooke now. I told her so the other day. Her eyes got real big and sparkly, and she said, "God, I love you too, Sammy" before proceeding to kiss me senseless.

Guess I won't be needing you anymore, doc. At least, not for a long while. Because, for the moment, life is good.

Life is good.