Drain Brameged Inc. Proudly presents,
A Mad-Hamlet Production

Stir and Serve With Noodles

Email: Mad-Hamlet@usa.net

Disclaimer: All this belongs to Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy Inc. (Grrr...arrrg).

Author's Note: This was written on May 24th, one day after 'The Gift'. There was such a menagerie of Vent Fics (I brought Buffy back so I feel better, kind of stories.) Moody poetry, and other really depressing fare. I quickly grew tired of it and wrote 'Noodles'.

Willow was in the graveyard. Again.

Xander stood silently behind her as she paid her respects to their friend, their Slayer, Buffy.

"WWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!" Willow cried. "I MISS HER SO MUCH!!

She had her arms wrapped around a headstone and the cement was slowly cracking under her deathgrip.

"WHY DID SHE HAVE TO LEAVE US? WHY??" Willow managed to choke out between sobs. Her grip tightened and the headstone gave another ominous creak.

Xander came up behind her and placed his hand on Willow's shoulder. "Shhh.." He said. "You're making a spectacle of yourself. Everybody's staring!"

"I don't care!" Willow screamed. "Let them look! Let them know what they tossed away, someone who fought for them! Someone who died for them! Someone I can never have back!!"

"And those are fine points Willow." Xander said. "But Buffy's grave is over there." And he pointed to a headstone two down to their left.

Willow blinked. Thought about it for a second and blinked again.

"Then who's grave..??" She pried her body away from the, now somewhat fractured, tombstone and got a good look at the inscription.

"Eek!" Willow said while jumping into Xander's arms. "A Democrat!"

"Yeah." Xander said in agreement. "True evil."

She was in a great Hall. And we mean GREAT Hall.Big..stretching away into infinity in all directions. Up, down, left, right, before her, behind her..infinite. She was floating in the middle of this great hall and filling it were ..entities. Even though it was well lit she could not make any features out of the audience therein. Whenever she tried to look directly at one their faces would slowly fade away into darkness leaving only their eyes..their burning, burning eyes left to glow from the shadows.

"Hmmm.." Buffy thought. "I'm naked."

With that realization she instantly covered her breasts with both arms and curls her legs underneath. She was not floating in a kinda fetal position. From around her she heard some muffled, "Well..darn.'s." Occasionally someone shouted, "Party pooper!"

Buffy was tempted to stick her tongue out at some of this mysterious council but before she could act on her thoughts...

"IT IS NOT YOUR TIME!" A great voice rumbled. Rolling across the infinite room like a great wave. It rebounded off walls that shouldn't have been there, this room being infinite and all, and rolled back the way they had come. Hey, it's a place of power, anything goes.

"What?" Buffy asked.

"I SAID 'IT IS NOT YOUR..SSSQQEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!" And a horrible burst of feedback sent shockwaves of awful sound rocketing around the room.

"God damn cheap ass tech!" The..now not so great voice cursed. "Hold on just mo'"

There was the sound of muffled conversation.

"No no..the sound system is far..."

"A short maybe?"

"How should I know? This is Frank's department!"

"Ahhhh..Hell with this. As I was saying..It Is Not Your..hey..hey you! Wake up!"

Buffy had nodded off. "Mmmm...chocolate and whipped cream again? But where's the cherry? What? W'say Willow? No cherry..oh..Oz got the cherry...thass okay..chocolate Willow S'yummy..." She murmured.

"Hey! I said wake up you!"

"No, wait" Another voice cried. "Let her keep going, I'm taking notes!"

"You shut the hell up George!" The first voice said. "You think I don't know about 'little trips' to the Red Light Districts? Huh? Do you?"

The second voice remained quiet. Someone, somewhere applauded.

"Right then. Where were we?" The first..and still no longer quite so great..voice said. "Ah yes. Sorry Summer's but we gotta have you in the land of the..um..not sleeping."

With a snap of his fingers a small bolt of lightning came flying out of the ether and nailed Buffy's sleeping, floating, figure in her fine toned derriere.

*ZAP* "YEEEK!"

In an instant Buffy had gone tearing across the chamber, that's right she crossed infinity, she's the Slayer..she can do anything, and preceded to strangle the hell out of the figure who was the owner of the Not So Great Voice(Patent Pending.)

"DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA!" Buffy thundered while shaking the figure around like a rag doll. "HOW MUCH WORK I PUT INTO THAT ASS?"

From the seats directly below where she was floating she heard yet another voice say. "Boy..do we ever!"

Despite the lack of physics Buffy managed to put quite a lot of force into a downward stomp, she wasn't sure what she broke on the figure's face, but the crunching sound made her feel ever so much better. In a slightly more relaxed mood she continued to choke the living shit out of T.N.S.G.V.'ed figure.(Not So Great Voiced.)

She vented for a few more seconds before throwing him back in his seat. "If that leaves a scar I'll kill you." She said before floating back into the 'middle' of the Infinite Great Big Hall.

"So," She said. "I'm not supposed to be dead?"

The Figure of Voice coughed a few times and managed to rasp out a husky. "No."

He cleared his throat a few times and gave a thankful nod to someone who handed him a glass of water.

"No." He repeated in a voice that was supposed to be strong and powerful. Because of the battering he had just received it actually sounded kind of wheezy.

"Your time has not come. Your battles must continue. You must go back." He concluded.

"Cool." Buffy said. "How?"

"With this." A small ball of pure white light formed in front of Buffy. Within the sphere she could make out a shape..the shape of something powerful..something holy..something..not of this World.

Buffy reached out with one hand, only shaking a little in trepidation, and touched her destiny.

"So you see Tara," Willow said. "Even though you have recovered from your brief stint as the center of a Jelly Doughnut I just don't find myself interested anymore. I'm sorry."

The redhead stared contritely at the floor, her hands folded in her lap.

The blonde witch, who was sitting directly across from her, slowly took the words in. She thought about it for a moment.

"That's okay Willow." She finally said. "I think I understand my true destiny now anyway and I'm afraid you were not meant to be a part of it."

"You mean?" Willow looked up.

"Yes!" Tara said. "I'm giving up my Earth Mother, tree hugging ways..I'm going to learn real power! I'm going to be..." She paused dramatically. "A Psychic for the Stars!" She finished her sentence with her arms flung wide open like someone embracing the coming of a brand new day.

"You go girl!" Willow cheered her now ex-lover on.

"Gee, thanks Willow!" Tara smiled back.

"No," Willow said. "I mean you go. Now. Out the door. Get going, get gone! C'mon now, hurry. Move it..destiny waits for no man..or woman..or skanky..um..nobody."

In a flurry of activity Willow helped Tara get everything she might need packed, only occasionally having to use arcane bolts of lightning to 'motivate' the blonde. This actually proved to have a detrimental effect on the speed of the packing as after every magical zap, the blonde would stiffen for a few seconds, than let out a low moan of delight before murmuring, "Oooo..just like last night."

Eventually all was done and Tara was out the door with all her stuff packed. She waved goodbye to Willow with all her possessions in the back of a large Nineteen Fifty convertible and roared off into the sunset. Being as the sunset is actually the SUN she was fried to a crispy critter in under zero point three seconds. Which was a real shame, it had been a really nice car.

Willow sat in her room..now alone.

"Alone." She thought. "Forever and ever alone."

She could feel the beginning fingers of depression coming over her.

"I don't want to be depressed." She thought. "I know, I'll masturbate!"

And she reached under her bed and grabbed her 'little friend'.

Joe Becker lived in the room next door to what had been, up until a few minutes ago, the Wiccan's Room. He was a jock, he was very good at sports. Because he was a jock and good at sports he had been allowed into college. But Joe Becker was not your average Jock.

Joe Becker actually wanted to be something more!
Joe Becker actually wanted to be somebody!
Joe Becker was studying.

Joe Becker heard what sounded like a chainsaw starting up, coming from 'The Wiccans Room'. He let his head rest on the open pages of his textbook and started to quietly cry.

"Not again." He sobbed. "I'm never gonna pass!"

Willow didn't get very far. She had just finished filling the gas tank and replacing the spark plug when she was interrupted by a knock on the door.

"Figures." She grumbled and went to answer it.

She flug open the door with an exasperated snarl of "Now wh..Buffy?"

And indeed it was her.

Her long golden hair cascaded over her shoulders like a waterfall. Deep blue eyes met green from under bright, shiney locks. One creamy shoulder was exposed from the extra wide neckline of the minty green, very short shirt she was wearing. With every breath she took, Willow could see the barest hint of the underside of her breasts. The white leather pants she wore hugged skin and flesh all the way down those long, powerful legs.

Skin that was warm. Flesh that was alive!

She looked like an angel, she looked like a goddess! She looked..

"Yummy!" Willow breathed.

"Uh..hi." Buffy said. "Can I come in?"

Wordlessly Willow stepped aside letting The Slayer enter. She noticed Buffy had her arms behind her back.

"Buffy? But..you..that is...died..and..buried..gravestone..how?" She stuttered.

Buffy shrugged. "I was called back by a higher power."

Willow's eyes widened. "The Powers that Be?"

Buffy shook her head. "Greater."

"The Gods?" Willow squeaked.

Again Buffy shook her head. "Greater."

Willow felt all the blood drain from her face. It couldn't have..no..they never directly..they were only rumored to..it wasn't possible..but it was the only answer left.

"The Neilsons." She answered her own question.

"Yep." Buffy confirmed. "They gave me this in case it ever happens again too."

She took one hand from behind her back and handed Willow what she held. Willow's features creased a little in that cute little way that had Buffy panting over her since she had seen Willow's High School Yearbook photo. Willow read the label on the sacred object she held.

"Wow." Willow breathed.

"Yeah." Buffy replied smirking slightly.

"So.." Willow said.

"So.." Buffy replied again, still wearing her smirk.

"What else ya got behind your back?" Willow asked. "The Holy Grail?"

Still smirking Buffy revealed her other presents. A can of whipped cream, chocolate syrup and a whole bag of heavenly cherries.

"I'm hungry." She said and kicked the door shut.

Joe Becker didn't get much studying done for a very long time.

End

Mad Hamlet

Buffy

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