*TURN OFF YOUR LIGHTS*

(And Don't Look Behind You)

(The future isn't what it used to be....)

"MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000 & MH"

EPISODE 2: 'Slayer-Cest' gets run over by a MST (A BtVS MST'ing)

MSTed From the Desk of Mad-Hamlet

This is a MSTing of a work of fiction created by another author.  Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred.

Any random mention of certain anime characters, song titles, etc. are the property of their respected creators/distributors/etc.  Just covering my own ass here folks....

Buffy The Vampire  Slayer is Property of Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy Inc.

"Slayer-Cest" is the property of SCRose and she's welcome to it.  I do not intend to offend them for making fun of his work like this but

I figure it's only a matter of time before someone does.  Think of this as another form of C&C.

(Cue "Mystery Science Theater 3000 Love Theme" in 5....4....3....)

It's the not-too-distant future,
A bit of time to go
There was this guy named Joel
Not so different from your average schmoe
He worked at Gizmonic Institute
Just another guy in a red jumpsuit
He did a great job cleaning up the place,
But his bosses really hate him
So they shot him into space!!!!

Joel:
(OH....MY....HELLGODDESS!!!)

Crow and Tom:
(IT'S GLORIFICUS!)

(Instead of holding messed up video, Frank's holding a computer printout)

We'll send him crappy fanfics
The worst we can find (lalala)
He'll have to sit and read them all and we'll monitor his mind (lalala)

(Instead of where it shows the guys watching the movie, it shows them ducking behind their seats for 'Spike Bad'.)

Now keep in mind Joel can't control
When the fanfics begin or end (lalala)
Because he used those special parts
To make his robot friends;

ROBOT ROLL CALL:

CAMBOT:
'Text only'?

Gypsy:
'Oh dear.'

Tom Servo:
'Resolve face!'

CROOOOOOOW!!!
'I'm not a wicca!'

If your wondering how Joel eats and breathes
And other science facts (lalala)
Then repeat to yourself
*It's just a MiST*
You should really just relax
for MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000

            Another day began on the Satellite of Love. Not that anyone could tell really, being its pretty dark in space. Joel stood before one of the windows that looked upon the outside of space, below the curve of a blue planet stretched away into and the sun, just on its edge began to peek out, spilling white light across the surface of the planet Earth. His home.

            "It's going to be another beautiful day," he mumbled to himself.

            He sighed deeply, shoulders slumping. 'I wonder what it will look like,' he thought. 'The edge of the horizon glowing a distant pink, warmer colors moving across the sky as that great life giving ...ball...of...damn, I have got to read some actual literature.'

            He stared out the window for a few minutes longer, "Well," he said. "Goodbye Earth."

            "Bye Joel," a voice said from behind him.

            "Hello Crow," Joel replied.

            "Hello Joel," Crow said stepping up beside him. "Wow," the robot said. "What a great view. Yep, that's a stunning view alright. Such majesty and somber power it has, I have never seen a view like this before. Makes someone glad to be alive doesn't it?"

            "Crow you're staring at the hull, the window is head high, my head high, not waist sized robot head high."

            "Hey, I appreciate quality workmanship," Crow said not taking his eyes off the steel bolted hull of The Satellite of Love. "Though you're right about the window not being at the right height."

            He paused thoughtfully for a second. "I have an idea," he exclaimed suddenly.

            "What's that?" Joel replied, only half listening.

           "We threaten to sue Dr. F for robotic discrimination and he lets us go in fear of a budget devastating lawsuit! Whaddya think?"

            Joel didn't even blink, used to his robotic friends antics. He knew the plan didn't have a chance in hell, he knew it would just waste time, he knew it would it tax his already fragile hold on sanity, he knew all these things. "Sure," he replied. "Go nuts."

            "Cool," Crow cheered. "I'll go call my lawyer." So saying he wandered down the hallway humming the tune, 'We're In The Money'.

            Joel stared out the port some more, or tried to. The sun had cleared the edge of the Earth and was now blasting bright, white light right into Joel's eyes. "Aigh," he cried blinking rapidly. "Sunblindess, sure fire cure all for the moody blues."

            A nearby speaker, in a burst of static, came to life. "Testing, testing, is this thing on?" Gypsy's voice rang out.

            "Hello, Gypsy," Joel mumbled massaging his eyes. "What's up?"

            "Hi, Joel," Gypsy said cheerfully. She was always cheerful. "Bad news, The Mads are calling."

            Joel froze in mid eye-rub. He took a deep breath and held it. 'Ten...' he thought, 'Nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one and exhale.' He did.

            "Okay, Gypsy," he said calmly. "I'll be right there."

            A few minutes later Joel shuffled into the Control Room. Tom Servo and Crow were waiting for him.

            "Hey, Joel," He called standing in front of the inactive view screen. "Guess the Two Stupids couldn't wait an entire week without getting back to us with more fun, fun entertainment!"

            The view screen sprang to life revealing Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank standing behind him ringing his hands nervously.

            "Greetings Pinbot," Dr. F purred. "Did I just overhear you calling me stupid?"

            Tom panicked, "Uh...that is...I mean...."

            Joel smoothly stepped in, "No sir, he was simply referring to Frank as it would take two complete personalities to encompass that amount of idiocy."

            Dr. F paused to consider that while Joel shrugged apologetically to a now hurt Frank.  "Well," Dr. F said. "That's alright then. Got your invention ready Joel?"

            "Right here sir," Joel said tapping the breast pocket of his eternally orange jumpsuit.

            "Ah, it's not the size that matter it's how you use it Joel, don't feel too bad." Dr. F chortled. "Woman say that all the time!"

            "How the hell would he know?" Crow muttered to Tom.

            "Beats me," Tom replied. "Maybe he read it in a book."

            "Dr F reads books?" Crow replied.

            "Frank reads them to him."

            Ignoring the Bots Joel fished his invention out of his pocket and lay it on a the table, "How many times have you scheduled an important meeting only to have to cancel at the last minute because something else came up?" he asked.

            "Not often," Dr. F replied. "I don't get out a lot."

            "Sir?" Frank said nervously. "I think that was a rhetorical question."

            Without looking Dr. F shoved Frank off the screen there was a despairing wail followed by a loud crash. "You're paying for that Frank!" Dr F shouted still not taking his eyes away from the screen.

            "May I continue?" Joel asked.

            "Is that another rhetorical question?" Dr. F replied.

            "Oh brother," Crow rolled his eyes.

            "Anyhow," Joel forged ahead. "With this handy dandy device such worries are a thing of the past. I call it the Quantum Reality Scheduling Calendar. All you do is punch in the time and date of your supposed schedule and, using a series of complex quantum reality sensors; it tells you if you will be actually able to make that appointment in the future."

            "Interesting," Dr F said stifling a yawn. "How do you get around the paradox of knowing your own future?"

            "Well it doesn't really check the future sir, but scans nearby dimensions that are incredibly similar to our own and predicts from extrapolating the data." Joel explained.

            "Don't let all the big words get you down Doc," Tom snapped.

            Doctor Forrester glared at Tom for a moment. "So...Joel...have you used that device of yours to try and figure out where you'll be...oh...say this time next year?"

            "Uh...." Joel stuttered.

            "Good answer," Dr. F said. "Well that's a lovely invention Joel, I'm sure it would be of great benefit to all mankind. Pity they'll never know about it. Now I have made a truly devastating little tinker toy this week."

            Reaching under the counter he pulled out what appeared to be a large metal basketball with wires sticking out all over the place. "Introducing the SomnubCommercial Collector Extreme!"

            "Nice reverb," Crow said.

            "It looks...shiny," Joel said politely.

            "Ah yes," Dr. F spoke waving his finger in the air. "But underneath this chrome exterior lays a purpose of pure, black, evil! Simply put viewers of television have too much freedom these days. They can turn of the tube, or change the channel or even go to sleep. Sleep is the great enemy because during that rest time a great deal or work and effort done by commercial execs goes to waste. Enter my little baby." The mad scientist gave his invention an affectionate pat.

            "While people rest, dreaming their dreams of peace on earth and all that other nonsense," Dr. F shook his head and spat. "It scans all the stations and filters out the actual programs but keeps a collective store of all the commercials. These it compresses and, when people awake, stumbling about in their underwear, scratching their private areas and basically being filthy Neanderthals, it blasts the collected commercials and information directly into their brain in one massive burst."

            "Yes siree," the mad scientist gave the ball another pat. "Better than a cup of coffee!"

            Crow interjected at this point, "So, Doc, you're saying that that machine will project an entire nights worth of infomercials, dating lines, phone sex advertisements and all that other garbage into the human brain in one second?"

            Dr. F nodded. "I'm been testing it on Frank here."

            "That explains lots," Tom replied.

            Frank suddenly lurched onto the screen, his hands sliding over his jumpsuited chest, "Hi," he breathed into the camera. "I'm Whaneeta and me and my friends would just love to," he paused, suffered a violent spasm, "help you get low, low financing even with bad or no credit rating!"

            Again Dr. F shoved Frank off off-screen.

            "Apparently a few bugs there sir," Joel said carefully keep a straight face.

            "I prefer to consider them as bonus'," Dr. F intoned seriously. "Now about this weeks fanfic....its something a little different."

            "Different?" Crow inquired cautiously.

            "It's another Buffy The Vampire Slayer, fanfic," Dr. F continued. "Sort of." He shuddered.    

            Crow wheeled about, "Doc F just shuddered!" he hissed. "This is not a good sign."

            Dr. F. was silent for a moment, tapping his forefingers together. Finally, "I could say more," he smiled pleasantly, Joel stoicly refused to give into the urge to whimper. "But that would spoil the surprise."

            "Frank, send the fic!" Dr. F commanded.

            "Lost weight by entering your credit card now," Frank replied.

            The warning lights began to spin.

            "OHHHH, WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN!!!"  Joel cried out.

(Door 6: It slides open on both sides..)

(Door 5: It's made of beads. They explode out towards you, and you move on..)

(Door 4: It falls toward you, missing your foot by inches.)

(Door 3: It's a castle gate, that rises into the ceiling..)

(Door 2. It's solid black marble. An Akahn floats from behind you and touches the door. The door vanishes.)

(Door 1: It splits in four ways, twice.)

(Door .7: A beam of golden light erupts from the floor.  You walk into it.)

        Joel emerged from the light into the theater with Tom in his arms, Crow emerging a moment later and following close behind.  Stepping over the air grate that prevented Tom from entering the theater on his own, Joel placed him down on one of the theater seats and sat next to him, Crow sitting on his right.

Slayer-cest

>>JOEL: Let's all wish for Slayer-Cide.

By SC Rose

>>TOM: Now we know who to thank.

Chapter 1 Buffy

>>TOM: Chapter 1?

>>JOEL: Maybe they're joking?

Homepage: http://BuffyXadventures.homestead.com/

>>CROW: Now we know where they live.

E-MAIL: scrose12345@yahoo.com

>>JOEL: Should we?

>>CROW: I dunno, can you attach Painful Deaths to an email?

DISCLAIMER: The only things I own in this story are the sales girls (Amber and Tiffany).

>>TOM: Slavery is such the rage these days.

This is to say all things Buffy are the property of Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy Productions etc.

RATING/PAIRING: NC 17 masturbation Buffy, masturbation Joyce, Joyce/Tiffany, Voyeurism/masturbation Joyce, Exhibitionism/masturbation Buffy.

>>JOEL: C'mon in partner, here at Crazy Rosie's Discount Fanfiction we got masturbation, voyeurism, exhibitionism, more masturbation and reading this stuff automatically gets you, free of charge, sadism and masochism.

>>CROW: Excuse me, do you happen to have any realism?

>>JOEL: Nope.

SPOILERS: None

NOTES: PWP/Romance this story has some kink elements

>>TOM: Crap.

 incest

>>TOM: Double-Crap.

 and underage sex

>>TOM: Triple Crap with green beans.

 in it so if you don't want to read that kind of stuff please don't read this story.

>>JOEL: Least the writer gave a warning.

>>CROW: I'm scared, hold me Joel.

>>JOEL: I don't think so.

 in this time frame I jump in the way back machine

>>CROW: How about jumping in front of it?

>>TOM: Yeah, or you jump in and then run over your past self.

>>JOEL: What about Paradox?

>>CROW: Sure, run over him too.

>>TOM: Rim shot.

to the first season. in this story, I decided to write it as a part of the back-story for my Buffy/Willow series. The events that happen in this story impact my Buffy a great deal

>>JOEL: And the real Buffy would like to impact you a great deal.

>>TOM: Hard.

 this is the ground for my entire AU. You will have to read the story to find out about my sales girls.

ADDITIONAL NOTES:

>>JOEL: No thanks, do re me fa so la te do, pretty much covers everything.

in the most recent move of Slayer-cest to it’s third on-line home. I found that would have to reformat the rich format text files into html that I wanted to edit some and do a little bit of a re-write

>>CROW: That makes everything so much better.

 I’ll even be adding at least one additional between chapters seven and nine,

>>CROW: Chapters seven and nine?

>>TOM: Crap on toast.

>>CROW: Shuddup, you'll give SCRose ideas.

 Chapter one is going to be split into three chapters as has two clear breaks that I didn’t make use of. So enjoy the re edited and expanded version of Slayer-cest

>>CROW: So enjoy this pathetic attempt to drag your most beloved characters through the mud and dreck of miserable fanfiction just because I can't get a date.

>>JOEL: Crow, that was cruel.

>>CROW: It was, wasn't it.

>>TOM: Keep up the good work.

"Buffy"

Buffy was thinking

>>TOM (Genie Voice): That's RIGHT she can be taught!

 how nice it would be to get home after a long night of patrolling graveyards and staking vamps. She tended to get an almost sexual thrill from hunting the vamps.

>>JOEL: To get an actual sexual thrill she'd hunt telemarketers.

>>CROW: Who wouldn't?

Deep down, it caused her to become very excited most nights and downright horny on others. She discovered early on in her career as a Slayer that masturbation was wonderful for relieving herself

>>CROW: Most teenagers discover that without the burning need to slay the undead.

 after patrols when it crossed over from being just excited to downright horny. She would never admit it to anyone, not even Willow or Giles. What nice respectable girl wants to admit that putting a sharp pointy stake into some vamps chest turned her on? And watching them turn to dust made her all warm and tingly inside? Alas, every time she staked a vamp the sensual feeling came and the more vamps she did in one night the stronger it became. By the end of a good night of hunting, she would be very ready for a shower and her "private little playtime"

>>JOEL: Because her last attempt at 'public little playtime' got her kicked out of the mall.

 in the shower or in her room.

Tonight would be a very good night. Her mother had gone to the grocery store today and she knew there was a fresh cucumber that would make her a very happy girl. Fingers and the shower massager were okay. But a nice fresh veggie was even better.

>>JOEL: Just the thing for a growing woman. Chock full of natural goodness.

>>TOM: So will Buffy be if this fic is going where I think it is.

>>CROW: This fic and that cucumber are going  exactly where you think they are.

 She wanted to try some sex toys but the "adult shop" said you had to be eighteen to get in. Which she thought was totally unfair.

>>CROW (sarcastic voice): It is unfair. The drinking age is too; teen-agers should be free to indulge in all night kegger orgies.

She could save the world but couldn't buy a sex toy? Well, that didn't make good old Mr. Cucumber any less fun.

>>TOM: She's given her salad a name, rapture.

>>JOEL: For a good time ladies, called Mr. Cucumber at 1-999-Green-Man, that's one, nine, nine, nine, green man. Mr. Cucumber wants to have fun with you.

 She grinned and wondered what her mother would think if she knew she was using the dinner salad veggies as sex toys.

>>JOEL: Probably reconsider adoption as a valid alternative.

Buffy loved to take showers after patrolling. Sometimes she would use the shower massager for purposes other than what the manufacturer intended. The hot pulsing

>>TOM: Flamethrower

 water could be very fun. She had a nice warm sensual feeling spreading all over her body

>>TOM: As it, and this fic, were consumed in holy fire.

>>JOEL: Feeling bitter, Tom?

 tonight. She decided she wanted to save some of these hot sexual and sensual feelings for some fun in her bedroom with Mr. Cucumber. She moaned as she enjoyed the hot pulsing water on her tired muscles and the relaxing feeling it gave.

>>CROW: That would actually be the crack

She was very tempted to grab the showerhead and run the hot pulsing water over her clit but turned off the shower instead.

>>JOEL: Decisive.

Buffy tied a towel around her head and another around her body, deciding this was time to go on her refrigerator raid. She opened the fridge and got into the crisper drawer.

>>CROW: We all keep our fridge next to the shower.

"Ah a bag of fresh salad greens, carrots, a bell pepper and three cucumbers," she mused. Looking the last contents over, she found one that would suit her needs very nicely. It was about a foot long and nice and fat. She could feel the wetness growing between her legs as she thought about how wonderful it would feel inside her.

>>JOEL: America's best produce in action.

>>CROW: Not yet, but soon.

>>JOEL: Cram it, Crow.

>>CROW: Not me, Buffy maybe.

>>TOM: Definitely.

>>JOEL: Guys...

She grabbed the veggie and closed the fridge door, whistling a happy little tune while she went up to her room. When Buffy got to her room she set the cucumber on her nightstand next to the bottle of lotion Willow had given her. It was wonderful stuff. It smelled of vanilla and spice that made her skin tingle when she rubbed it into her body. She had a strong suspicion it might be more than just skin lotion but Willow would never do anything to hurt her.

>>CROW (Willow voice): Damnit, when will that arsenic laced skin cream finally kill that blonde slut-puppy?

The young witch had probably put a protection spell on or something like that on the lotion. Buffy loved Willow for doing simple little things like that. This didn't even cover the feeling of stability Willow gave to her often chaotic life. Being the Slayer did have disadvantages, but having a friend like Willow was not one of them.

>>JOEL: Being in fics like this on the other hand.

Buffy took the towel off her head and finished drying her hair. Then she slipped the towel off her body and put both of them in the hamper.

>>TOM: Eh? What...exactly happened there?

>>CROW: She put the towel...and her body in the hamper?

 She went over to her bed, stretched out, spread her legs slightly, and grabbed the bottle of lotion. She put a generous amount into her right hand and then rubbed her hands together. She then rubbed the lotion into her breasts. She began to pant and moan as her fingers and the lotion created an almost electric feeling against her skin. Her little brown nipples became almost painfully hard as she rubbed the lotion into them. She felt the heat growing from inside her middle and spreading outward as she slowly ran her lotion-covered palms down her tummy.

>>JOEL: She has written the most beautiful fanfiction.

>>TOM: She has?

>>JOEL: She has not.

>>CROW: She then has not written the most beautiful fanfiction?

>>JOEL: She then has not.

>>TOM: She then has not what?

>JOEL: Written the most beautiful fanfiction.

>>CROW: She then has written what?

>>JOEL: She then has written bad fanfiction.

>>TOM: She has?

>>JOEL: She has.

>>CROW: Then what?

>>JOEL: We suffer.

>>CROW: Oh.

Moaning even louder now, She finally began to rub her lotion covered hands over her inner thighs and the outer lips of her sex. After she teased herself to the point where her pussy juice and the lotion had run down her legs she slipped one, then two, and finally three figners of her right hand into the hot wet confines of her now sopping wet pussy.

>>CROW: That is one unhappy cat.

>>JOEL: Crow.

>>CROW: First drowned then violated.

>>JOEL: Crow!

>>CROW: Someone should call the P.E.T.A.

Buffy then slowly pulled her fingers out of her pussy and licked her juices off of them. Buffy loved the way her pussy juice tasted; it was tangy and sweet at the same time and like the nectar of the gods to her.

>>TOM (The Gods voice): We offer this chance to taste test our nectar.

 "Mmm I taste so yummy," she exclaimed as she cleaned her fingers off with her tongue. She grabbed the cucumber and let out a low guttural moan as she slammed half of its length into her pussy.

>>TOM (Ryu voice): HAAADOOOKKEEENN!!

>>CROW (Son-Goku voice): KAAAMMAAAHAAMMMMEEEHHAAAA!!

>>JOEL (Ash voice): Cue-Ke-Mon, I choose you!

>>CROW: Cue-Ke-Mon?

>>TOM: You suck, Joel.

>>JOEL: Yeah, well the very idea of anything slamming anyone anywhere near their crotch is just wrong.

>>TOM: Yet a constant theme among fanfiction.

>>CROW: Maybe we could suggest they try what they write, that way they can practice what they preach.

>>JOEL: Think their writing would improve?

>>CROW: That or they wouldn't be able to have kids. Either way we win.

"Ah! Oh shit! that feels good," Buffy panted as she felt her orgasm approaching

>>TOM: Knock, knock. Fed-Ex delivers. I have one 'Moaning, groaning, screaming, creaming, wishy-washy, stain the sheets' class orgasm for a 'Buffy Summers'?

>>CROW: With cucumbers?

Just as she was about to have her release she heard her mother's bedroom door open. She stopped dead

>>ALL: Yes!

, thinking,

>>ALL: Nuts.

 "Oh shit! Mom must have heard that!" Here she was on the brink of a really good orgasm, with eight or nine inches of cucumber stuffed in her pussy,

>>TOM: Gives new definition to the term 'All You Can Eat Salad Bar'.

>>CROW: More like All You Can Fu-

>>JOEL (whips out a bazooka, points it at Crow): Finish that sentence, go ahead, I _DARE_ you.

>>CROW: ....

and her bedroom door open and her mother was walking down the hall. She knew her mother caught her and she would have to see what happened next. She didn't even have time to get under the covers before her Mom was standing in the open doorway.

Joyce was laying in her bed half asleep when she heard something that at first shocked her:

>>JOEL (SCRose voice): Welcome to my fanfiction, Mrs. Summers.

 Buffy was in her room making what could only be called extremely erotic and sexual sounds.

>>TOM: We're sorry Mario, our princess is in another castle.

 It was obvious that her daughter was in her room masturbating,

>>CROW: Figure that out before the window pane cracked or after?

and from the sound of it enjoying herself a great deal. Listening to her daughter in the throws of ecstasy was beginning to have an effect on her. She felt a little ashamed of herself for getting turned on listening to her daughter masturbate.

She told herself, "Joyce, that is sick, depraved thinking."

>>TOM: Yes! Yes it is and you should go right now and KILL YOURSELF AT ONCE!

 But she could not deny the tightness of her nipples or the wetness between her legs. She would deal with her guilt later.

>>JOEL: Might I suggest Russian roulette, very theraputic I've heard.

But for right now, Joyce decided that Buffy definitely had the right idea.

>>TOM: Joyce has been obviously sniffing the paint at her gallery.

>>CROW: It's good to see parents and children agreeing on the important issues.

 She slipped her hand into her panties and ran her fingers through the thick thatch of her blonde pubic hair. When she found the hard little nub of her clit she gave it a gentle pinch and started to rub it in rhythmic fashion.

>>ALL: Doo waaaahhhh diddydiddy dummmm...dooo waaahhhhh, diddydiddy duuuuUUuuummm.

>>TOM: Feel that baby? That's rhythm.

>>JOEL (Wearing sunglasses): Smooooooth.

 She achieved her release very quickly

>>TOM: As advertised the cyanide had been both quick and painless.

 and realized she needed to use the bathroom. She heard Buffy exclaim, "Ah oh shit, that feels good!!" just as she was opening her bedroom door. Seeing a light coming out of Buffy’s open doorway.

>>CROW: Not to mention what was coming out of Buffy.

>>JOEL: Crow.

>>TOM: And going in.

>>JOEL: Tom!

>>CROW: and out.

>>JOEL: Crow!

>>TOM: and back in.

>>JOEL: Guys, quit it.

 Joyce quickly walked down the hall and realized Buffy had suddenly become very quiet. She was now standing in the open doorway of her daughter's room, looking at Buffy lying in the middle of her bed, legs spread wide with a rather large cucumber inside her.

>>JOEL (Joyce voice): Honey, I like my salad dressing all natural but this....

>>CROW: (O)_(O)

>>TOM: Joel?

>>JOEL: Must have been my evil twin.

With a sheepish grin Buffy said, "Looks like you caught me mom." She slid the veggie that was still glistening with her pussy juice out of her sex and sat it on her nightstand.

Joyce looked very seriously at her daughter. "Buffy, how can I catch you when you aren't doing anything wrong?"

>>CROW: BWWWAAAHHhhahahahahahahhaahahaaaaaaaa hheehehhheeeehehehheheheheheeehhhhhhhooohohohohooohoooooo....

>>TOM: Done yet?

>>CROW: Nope, HAHHHHHAHAHAAAAAHAHAHAHAHHAAAAAAHhhaaa....Whoooo! Oh my aching circuts that's the funniest thing I've ever seen.

>>JOEL: Well, y'know, lil buddy, it's not that far off the mark.

>>CROW: Cucumbers?

>>JOEL: Yeah...that is a bit extreme.

>>TOM: Since when did you get so PC, Joel?

>>JOEL: Eh, must have caught a bug or something.

Buffy stammered a little. "W-what? You don't mind that I was playing with myself?"

>>TOM (Joyce voice): Most people don't take the game Uno that literally dear but, other than demonstrating you're a few bulbs short of a Christmas tree, it's fine to play with yourself.

Joyce again became serious. "No Buffy. It's perfectly natural to masturbate.

>>TOM: True.

 You should enjoy your body and the pleasure it can give you.

>>JOEL: Also true.

 The thing is, I'm not sure I want you using the cucumber I bought for our dinner salad as a sex toy."

>>CROW: And here we have truth of such intensity it should be right up there with 'Do Unto Others Before They Do Unto You'.

>>JOEL: It's downright surreal, progressive messages in such a miserable setting.

Buffy grinned and said, "Well sometimes fingers aren't enough, mom."

Joyce smirked, "Really!? Do tell young lady?"

>>TOM: No, don't.

>>JOEL: Or worse, show!

Buffy grinned again. "This is a little embarrassing. mom.

>>CROW: More than a little; at this point any normal teen would be catatonic from chronic humiliation.

>>TOM: Requiring lots and lots of therapy.

>>CROW: But writing works like that would require realism and accuracy.

>>JOEL: Nothing like that around here.

 Sometimes I want to have something big and hard inside me. It's not like I want to go out and have sex or anything." Buffy blushed a little. "It's just that, well, I want to be filled up or something"

>>JOEL: Just a suggestion but next time try a second helping of dinner...to eat.

>>CROW: Yeah.

>>JOEL (Steely gaze):....

>>CROW: Eat; y'know with a fork and everything.

Joyce gave Buffy a stern look. "I see." Her look softened into a smile "My little girl wants something big and hard inside her

>>TOM: HeelllLLOOO mental trauma.

but doesn't want to have sex yet?"

Buffy got very serious. "That's right, mom I'm a virgin except for fingers and veggies.

>>CROW: And Angel.

>>JOEL: And the milkman.

>>TOM: Newsboy.

>>CROW: Telephone repair guy.

>>JOEL: Pizza guy, girl on Tuesdays, Thursdays.

 And I want to stay that way until I find the right guy."

>>TOM: Or girl.

>>JOEL: Or band.

>>CROW: Or hockey team.

Joyce sat down on the bed and stroked Buffy’s hair. She looked her in the eye and said, "That's very admirable dear. And I think you should stick

>>JOEL: Not. A. Word.

>>CROW: But-

>>JOEL: I mean it.

 to your feelings about not wanting to rush into having sex."

>>TOM: But feel free to rush into long objects.

Buffy started to squirm under her blankets. "Mom? Are we done with the sex talk?"

>>JOEL (Joyce voice): I thought we'd read Penthouse Forums to each other first, dear.

Joyce smiled and said, "Yes, Honey. I've said everything I wanted to say for now.

>>CROW (Joyce voice): Except, 'Cthon, Cathau, Cthulu mon, Cthulu mon, raesterach, oh Dread Lord, raesterach Cthulu mon.'

 Have a good night dear." With that she left the room and pulled the door closed behind her.

Buffy was a little confused by what had just happened between her and her mother.

>>CROW: Well, to recap your mother just caught you having sex with tomorrow’s mid-afternoon snack and did the parental equivalent of pat you on the head and offer you a cookie.

 Her mother had explained how reproduction worked to her when she had her first period at the age of twelve. The conversation they had tonight was totally different than that almost clinical talk all those years ago. Her mom wasn't upset with her over anything other than that she had used the cucumber, and from what she said she even approved of what she was doing.

>>TOM (Buffy voice): Gosh, Mom's gone all warped, I have to do something!

>>CROW: With that she jumped up, grabbed her pillow and waited outside her mothers door until she was sure Joyce was asleep. Then leaping on the bed she shoved the pillow into her mother's face, holding it firmly in place, her knuckles white and smiling a tiny, peaceful smile. She hummed show tunes, bobbing her head in time with the rhythms in her mind,  until the kicking and clawing and flailing of her mother slowed...slowed...slowed and finally stopped. 'I'm off to see the wizard,' Buffy softly sang holding the pillow down. 'The wonderful wizard of Oz'. She kept singing for half an hour, just to be sure.

>>JOEL: Jesus.

Joyce gave a sigh of relief as she closed to door to Buffy's room. Her daughter had a healthy sexual appetite

>>CROW: For Amsterdam’s Red Light District.

 but wanted to remain a virgin. She hoped tht Buffy understood just how much she approved of this. From what Buffy had said, she wanted more than her fingers could provide in the way of satisfaction.

>>ALL (Singing): She-Can't-Get-No-Sah-TIS-FAC-tion....She-Can't Get-No-GIR-ly-ACtion.

>>TOM: This chapter anyway.

>>JOEL: Be thankful for small miracles.

Joyce understood this only too well. She'd purchased a vibrator for herself after Buffy’s' father was gone. She didn't use it very often anymore but she still had it. She hoped it wouldn't embarrass Buffy when she gave her the purchases she planned to make tomorrow evening?

>>JOEL: Chastity belts, the gift that keeps others from giving.

>>TOM: Buffy embarrassed? Noooo. after catching her in the middle of her tripod impersonation, what's to be concerned about?

>>CROW: Buffy and the Jolly Green Giant back there probably got right back at it the second you were out the door.

>>JOEL: C'mon guys, the fic is done, I'm tired. Let's blow this popsicle stand.

>>CROW: Up?

>>TOM: Don't I wish.

(REVERSE DOOR SEQUENCE)

            "Well, I've seen worse," Joel said stretching. "And it was short at least."

            "Chapters seven and nine," Tom reminded him. "This is just beginning."

            "Nuts," Crow said. "Well, I, personally am going to worry about that when the time comes. I'm heading for the Holocabana, loading up the holographic beach and relaxing. You guys?"

            Tom hovered down beside Crow, "We both know this is going to devolve to Extreme Poker, so I call first deal. You in Joel?"

            Joel glanced out the window, the sun was just slipping behind the Earth, the harsh white dimming instantly to absolute black. 'Well,' he thought. 'There are lots of variable sunsets in the Holocabana.'

            "Yeah, I'm in," He responded. "But no wild cards tonight. Magic Voice, can you get the lights?"

            The doors slid shut.

DEEP THIRTEEN

            Dr. F stared at the monitor.

            "Curse you Joel, you and your little bots too," he snarled.

            Frank snuck up quietly behind Dr. Forrester, 'Now,' he thought. 'Strike now.' He made a flying lunge and grappled at Dr. F's lapels. "Excuse me sir," he shouted into Dr. F's face. "But can I interest you in our Life Insurance Policy?"

            "Get off me Frank!"Dr. F. "For the thousanth time no, I don't want to buy anything!"

            Refusing to release his death grip Frank swung Dr. F around, "We offer this one time, low, low offer and if you make a purchase in the next twenty seconds we'll even throw in the smash hit 'Hubert Humperdicks Smash Hits to Hum,' No music collector should be without one."

            Dr. F ground his teeth in frustration, it had been a long time since one of his inventions had backfired this badly. 'At least Hodgeson can't see this.' he thought before elbowing Frank in the skull. Frank stumbled backwards before he lunged again at Dr. F. They rolled across the floor, Dr. F scrabbling to escape, kicking, shouting and spitting while Frank, desperate to make a sale, screamed twenty four hours of combined phone sex offers, infomercials and Mr. Popiel products into the mad scientist's face.

            Someone's flailing limb eventually hit the button.

(You can hum the closing theme if you want)

Authors Notes(Do Re Me): Thus another MST comes to an end. This marks the second MST I've done for the BTVS community; a task long overdue methinks. This particular fic was not sent to me, I found it. I wasn't looking but our fates were destined to cross anyhow. One look and I knew it had to be mine.

So. Here is what we have now.

BtVS vs MST3k

Episode 101: 'TRIALITY' by The Bear

Episode 102: 'Slayer-Cest' by SCRose

C&C and or Feedback, as always, are appreciated.  (Mad-Hamlet@usa.net)  

Flames are cool too, I'll keep them in a separate file for when I need something to keep me warm in my senior years.

 Feel free to send in any BtVS fanfic that you would like to see MSTed and I'll take a look at it.  Also, if you're interested in seeing any previous or future episodes of this series, I'll be happy to e-mail them to you personally. Should there actually be anymore.

I remain, as always,

Mad-Hamlet