Drain Brameged Inc. Proudly Presents

A Mad-Hamlet Production

*TURN OFF YOUR LIGHTS*

(And Don't Look Behind You)

(The future isn't what it used to be....)

"MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000(MH-Style)"

EPISODE 01: Triality

(A BtVS PWP Fanfic)

This is a MSTing of a work of fiction created by another author. Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred.

Any random mention of certain characters, song titles, series, etc.are the property of their respected creators/distributors/etc. 

"Triality" is the property of The Bear and he's welcome to it. I do not intend to offend this person for making fun of his/her work like this  but I figure 'What the hell.’ Of course you could always think of this as another form of C&C.

Warning:  This fic contains mature content and heavily sexual content.  If you are offended by such material, simply delete it and it's gone.  If not, enjoy! (If possible)

(Cue "Mystery Science Theater 3000 Love Theme" in 5....4....3....)

It's the not-too-distant future,
A bit of time to go
There was this guy named Joel
Not so different from your average schmoe
He worked at Gizmonic Institute
Just another guy in a red jumpsuit
He did a great job cleaning up the place,
But his bosses really hate him
So they shot him into space!!!!

Joel:
(OH....MY....HELLGODDESS!!!)

Crow and Tom:
(IT'S GLORIFICUS!)

(Instead of holding messed up video, Frank's holding a computer printout)

We'll send him crappy fanfics
The worst we can find  (lalala)
He'll have to sit and read them all and we'll monitor his mind  (lalala)

(Instead of where it shows the guys watching the movie, it shows them ducking behind their seats for 'Spike Bad'.)

Now keep in mind Joel can't control
When the fanfics begin or end  (lalala)
Because he used those special parts
To make his robot friends;

ROBOT ROLL CALL:

CAMBOT:
'Text only'?

Gypsy:
'Oh dear.'

Tom Servo:
'Resolve face!'

CROOOOOOOW!!!
'I'm not a wicca!'

If your wondering how Joel eats and breathes
And other science facts  (lalala)
Then repeat to yourself
*It's just a MiST*
You should really just relax
for MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000 (MH-Style)!!!!

    Twas another fine day in the Satellite of Love, orbiting at several hundred miles above the surface of the earth. Well, fine if you consider being isolated from your world with only some constructed robot companions for company; forced to read crappy fanfiction by a mad scientist bent on conquering the world by driving the populace insane by spreading the worst fanfic ever and you're his lucky test subject.

    Then again there always was the Holocabana. Joel walked up to the door outside the main entrance to holographic suite that could recreate, flawlessly, any bygone time full of people and places, both real or fictional. He punched the access code not noticing the small panel flashing the display, 'Holocabana is use'.

    The door slid open revealing....

    Cloud Strife stood on one edge of a large, darkened chamber. In clenched fists he held his sword, 'The Edge Buster'. It's giant blade reflecting what slim light there was. Directly opposite him stood his one time idol, dressed in his form fitting black leather jacket, also wielding a monstrous blade: Sephiroth.

    'It's over, Sephiroth!' Cloud shouted. 'Your plan to absorb the life energy of our world and become a god has been thwarted and now I'll have my revenge for your murder of....of...uh....' Cloud paused looking slightly lost.

    'Aeiris?' Sephiroth offered helpfully.

    'Yeah, her! Your murder of sweet Aeiris.' Cloud shouted hotly. 'Now we could have a long drawn out sword fight causing large amounts property damage and quite possibly kill a large number of innocent bystanders but I'd rather be hanging out with Tifa.'

    With that said Cloud dropped his giant blade, whipped out a minigun from somewhere and sent three or four thousand rounds of armour piercing bullets into Sephiroth's body and splattering him all over the wall.

    'So much...cough...for sweet Aeries,' Sephiroth gurgled and died.

    'Oh Cloud!' Tifa Lockhart cried flinging herself out of the shadows. 'You're so manly! Take me now you manly-'

    'Magic Voice, end program!' Joel said loudly and the holographic Tifa Lockhart, the holographic remains of Sephiroth, and the holographic Cloud Strife wavered, grew indistinct and disappeared.

    Where Cloud Strife had been standing stood Crow T. Robot dressed in a ridiculous blue outfit holding in one hand a tinfoil blade and in the other a squirt gun.

    'Hey!' He said indignantly. 'I was about to save the day here and get my reward!'

    'Sure Crow,' Joel said rolling his eyes. 'If what I caught a glimpse off is what I think what it was I have to say that is the most revolting, disgusting-'

    'Oh right Joel,' Crow interrupted. 'I'm sure you always use the Holocabana to visit the Library of Congress.'

    'Well...' Joel stuttered. 'That is...'

    'Joel? Crow?' Gypsy's voice came over the intercom. 'Sorry to interrupt but-'

    'Let me guess, Gypsy.' Joel said. 'The Mad's are calling.'

    'Why yes,' Gypsy replied sounding rather surprised. 'How did you know?'

    'It's the only time you do interrupt, Gypsy.' Joel answered. 'Okay me and 'Cloud Strife' will be there any second.'

    As the two, robot and human, walked out the Holocabana Crow asked, 'Hey Joel, d'ya ever give any thought to why Sephiroth and Cloud had such HUGE swords? Think they might have been-'

    'Finish that sentence Crow and I'll have to hurt you. Final Fantasy Seven is one of my favorite games.'

    The doors of the Holocabana slid shut.

***

DEEP 13

    The main viewscreen on the Satellite of Love displayed the lab of one Dr. Forrester, mad scientist extrodinare. The underground lab of Dr. Forrester looked like a bomb had gone off. Dr. Forrester himself looked like he'd been a bit too close of said bomb. His hair was sticking in all weird angles and his face was covered by a thick layer of soot and ash. Despite this he was grinning fiercely and rubbing his hands together in glee.

    'Are...are you alright, Sir?' Joel asked tentatively.

    'Fine, Joel fine, why are you asking? Actually concerned for my well being?' The mad doctor replied.

    'Not really,' Tom Servo replied popping onto the brige. 'But we were hoping it was permanent, painful and fatal.'

    'Well then you're outta luck bubblegum top,' crowed Dr. Forrester 'I'm fine, Frank is fine and most importantly the fanfic I have for you is absolutely fine!' He giggled.

    Joel, Crow and Tom groaned.

    'So...what happened, sir?' Joel asked.

    'What this?' Dr. Forrester replied waving his arms around the ruined lab. 'Nothing, nothing. Just a mild hiccup on my road to eventual world domination is all.'

    Joel nodded, not trusting himself to say anything.

    'Anyhow I just wanted to let you all in on the good news!' Dr. Forrester said excitedly.

    'Good news for you is not good news for anybody else,' Crow muttered.

    'Absolutely correct, Crow.' Dr. Forrester responded. 'But it's good news for me. I've decided to branch out a bit, expand my horizons in that quest for the fanfic that will drive the world insane!!'

    He paused dramatically.

    'What's that?' Crow asked.

    'Dramatic pause,' Joel answered. 'Not a very good one.'

    'Don't you usually need background music for a good dramatic pause Joel?' Tom asked.

    'Oh funny,' Dr. Forrester sneered. 'Ha-ha it is too laugh.'

    'I'll laugh,' Crow said.

    'I'll turn off the life support,' Dr. Forrester shot back.

    'Never mind,' Crow replied.

    'The fanfic sir?' Joel prodded.

    'Ah yes, thanks for reminding me!'

    'Yeah thanks Joel,' Tom grumbled.

    'In my quest for the perfect bad fanfic,' Dr. Forrester began. 'I've stuck usually to anime fics. Lemon and non but you somehow have endured them all and come back for more. Obviously things have to change and therefore I'm branching out too....'

    Another dramatic pause.

    Crow yawned.

    'Oh you're no fun,' Dr. Forrester fumed. 'Fine, brass tacks it is. I've decided to branch out into American television based fanfics. This first one is based off the hit series, Buffy The Vampire Slayer.'

    Joel boggled, 'American Television?'

    'You do know what that is don't you Joel?' Tom asked.

    'Well, yes,' Joel replied. 'It's just been so long since-'

    'Yes, fine, yes, whatever,' Dr. Forrester interrupted. 'It's by an author who goes by the non de plume The Bear. It called 'Triality'. Part 3 of it in fact.'

    'Part...3...sir?' Joel inquired.

    'Yes, I figured the insanity factor might be increased if I dropped you in the middle of the fic with no idea of what's going on.' Dr. Forrester said, smirking.

    'In other words,' Tom said. 'He couldn't find the other two parts of it on the net and it too lazy or too stupid to ask for help!'

    Dr. Forrester snarled.

    Have fun,' He screamed at the video monitor. 'Or be driven insane and give me the keys to rule the world! Frank, send the fic!'

    The viewscreen faded out to Dr. Forrester's maniacal laughter.

    'Okay,' Crow said slowly. 'This is new.'

    'New could be pretty good,' Tom replied. 'I mean I was getting kinda tired of the Sailor Moon stuff.'

    'You got tired of Sailor Moon?' Crow gasped.

    'I've heard good things about Buffy,' Joel mused. 'Might be passable.'

    'Joel' Crow said slowly as if explaining something to a small child. 'If Dr. F is good at anything it's finding the dredges of ficdom that drag down any and all fictional worlds to the lowest common denominator.'

    'Yeah,' Tom agreed. 'Utterly crappy. Sailor Moon and Ranma are, at heart, pretty good stories and you totally know what kind of crap has been dumped on us.'

    'Hey, guys...' Joel said cheerfully. 'Let's do what we alway do and stay-'

    'DON'T say stay frosty!' Tom shouted. 'That's like saying Happosai and actually being surprised when he pops up. I'd really like to avoid the Buffy equivalent of Artemis' Lover, thanks!'

    'Are there even any talking animals in Buffy?' Crow wondered aloud.

    The conversation was interrupted by flashing lights and blaring sirnes.

    "OHHHH, WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN!!!"  Joel cried out.

(Door 6: It slides open on both sides..)

(Door 5: It's made of beads. They explode out towards you, and you move on..)

(Door 4: It falls toward you, missing your foot by inches.)

(Door 3: It's a castle gate, that rises into the ceiling..)

(Door 2. It's solid black marble. An Akahn floats from behind you and touches the door. The door vanishes.)

(Door 1: It splits in four ways, twice.)

(Door 0: A beam of golden light erupts from the floor.  You walk into it.)

    Joel emerged from the light into the theater with Tom in his arms, Crow emerging a moment later and following close behind.  Stepping over the air grate that prevented Tom from entering the theater on his own, Joel placed him down on one of the theater seats and sat next to him, Crow sitting on his right.

Title: Triality (with Whipped Willow on top)

Tom: No cherry in sight.

Author: TheBear!

Crow: Definitely your average bear.

Pairing: W/T /B (eventually)

Crow: Well, that doesn't sound too bad.

Joel: Remember 'California Dreaming'?

Summary: Riley finally got a clue and left Sunnydale (Thank GOD! That pathetic excuse for a man was really starting to get on my nerves!!)

Crow: So in celebration you decided to get on ours!

Joel: Men! Evil, viscous men! Thank god Riley-Man is gone!

Buffy is a wreck, Willow ’s a wreck, Fortunately Tara knows how to fix everything.

Tom: Take two Tara's and call me in the morning.

Crow: We'll want details.

Warnings: NC17 Ahoy! This starts off Angsty, sappy and sweet, but there is BDSM and assorted Smut ahead!

Joel: Then again he might not be your average bear.

Tom: He's no Yogi. Yogi just wants picnic baskets; not black leather and bullwhips.

Crow: Could be worse, The Bear could love Boo Boo.

Author’s note: I have lurked on the list for months, enjoying the wonderful fiction you all have written.

Tom: Unfortunately he stopped.

Joel: Stopped enjoying the wonderful fics?

Tom:  Stopped lurking.

As much as I have wanted to, I haven’t posted anything before this. I have never been able to write for the BtVS universe- I just can’t seem to capture the characterization like I wanted.

Crow: Or he never could catch Willow.

Joel: Run Willow, Run!

(I wrote X-Files/Forever Knight/Highlander fic)

Tom: Eeek! Crossovers!

Joel: Evil! EEEEVVVVIIILLL!!

However; (you just knew there was a ‘however’ coming, didn’t you?)

Crow: We live in constant fear of it.

Red’s fic- especially S&M&M, has inspired me.

All: Thanks Red.

Tom: If this thing makes my head explode expect to hear from my attorneys.

Allow me to apologize in advance

Joel: Won’t help us any.

 if the characters don’t seem quite on.

Crow: Gosh, what are the chances of that happening?

Feel free to offer any advice for improvement.

Tom: Improvement? Uh...kerosene and a lit match?

***

Part 3

***

Joel: Aw, how cute, part 3 is having a white Christmas.

Buffy woke up first again. Slayers needed little sleep, “Thank God!” Buffy thought.

She nudged Willow and Tara, who were sleeping spooned together,

All: There is no spoon.

while Buffy faced them.

Willow whined, “Sleepy. Don’t wanna get up!”

Crow: (Willow voice) Mean's I have to be in fanfic!

while Tara was blinking sleep from her eyes.

Buffy grinned at the redhead, “She’s such a little girl sometimes…”

Joel: You touching that one?

Tom: Not me.

Crow: Weeelll...nah.

the thought tapered off as Buffy pictured Willow’s head between her thighs, face grinding into her, tongue deep inside her- driving her insane with pleasure.

Tom: How come everyone in fics is being driven insane with pleasure and we're just being driven insane?

 “Not such a little girl all the time though,” she thought with a blush. “Got to, baby. Don’t want Giles finding us naked on the floor, do you?

Crow: Finding Allyson Hannigan, Sarah Michelle Gellar and Amber Benson naked on the floor of my corner market would not be a negative start to my day.

Willow paused a moment as if considering it. “Hmm, I guess not,” she said with obvious   reluctance.

Joel: The reluctance is obvious I tell you! It’s obvious! OBVIOUS!!

Picturing the event, she grinned and added, “I don’t know, though. It’d be pretty funny!”

Joel (Giles voice): Good morning ladies I-Bloody Hell...heart....can't ...urgle thud.

Crow (Willow voice): Hee hee, Giles had a fatal heart attack. Funny!

Buffy’s eyes bugged out

Tom: The Fly, Part 3.

and she blushed all over her body at the thought of Giles walking in and seeing them in their present state- butt naked and thoroughly sexed.

Tom: Thoroughly satiated?

Crow: Thoroughly satisfied?

Joel: Thoroughly screwed?

Crow: Thoroughly pooled?

Tom: Pooled?

Crow: Yeah, y'know billiards. Hard sticks, balls into holes....

“Willow!” she exclaimed in shock, “You little perv.”

Tara slipped an arm possessively around her lover and said, “I don’t think so, pet. I’m not sharing you with anyone but the Slayer!” She leaned in and gently nibbled Willow’s ear to punctuate her statement.

Willow gasped and was instantly aroused.

Joel: Insta-Arousal, just add water.

Crow:  Willow's adding the moisture quite nicely all on her own, thanks though.

Joel: Crow!

Buffy snickered at Willow’s spontaneous reaction.

Tom: She exploded?

Crow: And Buffy’s laughing at it. Cold. Very cold.

 “Ah ah ah! No time for that, Mistress. Not if we don’t want Willow’s little scenario to come true.” Seeing that neither really wanted to stop, she added, “He’ll be here in about half an hour, maybe less. Plus, we’ve got to get Dawn and my mom from Spike’s crypt.

Joel (Buffy voice): I feel really bad about burying them alive.

 They’re already gonna be pissed at having to spend the night there.”

Crow: I don't think Spike's place has plumbing. I'd bet they just need to piss.

Willow once again whimpered in disappointment as Tara released her earlobe and rolled away from her. “Mmph! I wanted to play!”

Tara laughed, “Let that be your lesson, pet, for coming up with such a naughty idea. You can spend the morning aroused and unsatisfied.”

Joel: Ah, basically Tara wants Willow to pretend to be any typical male teenager.

Willow whimpered again, but submissively said, “Yes Mistress.” Silently she resolved to do everything in her power to turn on her Mistresses until one or both gave in and played with her.

Crow: And I not so silently resolve to do everything in my power to be there to watch!

“It’ll be worth the spanking!” she thought, sure that playing the bad girl would result in having her ass whipped before she’d be allowed to cum.

Tom: Come in.

 She knew, however, that neither of her Mistresses could spank her without giving in and letting her cum,

Joel: Come over.

just because they wanted to see it. They might be in charge, but she knew that she had power over them because they wanted her so badly.

Besides, it turned out that she really liked getting spanked.

***

It was a couple of days later; they’d moved mom and Dawn back to the house, figuring it was more suspicious to hide them out with Spike,

Tom: What, mother and child hiding in a crypt? That's suspicious?

Buffy was sitting in the Magic Box, trying to get out of having a birthday party.

Crow: The less witnesses to her unwrapping the presents the better.

“Look, I know Mom wants to gather and make with the merry tomorrow night, but with everything that's going on...” she started.

Joel (Buffy voice): And with all the merry making going on constantly...

Willow walked up from behind Buffy and unceremoniously plopped into her lap, draping her arms around the Slayer’s neck and saying, “This is exactly what you need. A 20th birthday party with, with, with presents, and funny hats,

Crow (Willow voice): That we can stick in funny places.

Joel: Crow!

and, and those candles that don't blow out...” She leaned her head backwards towards Tara, who had taken a seat next to the pair. “Those used to scare me,” she whispered.

Tara smiled indulgently at her lover and whispered back, “Me too.”

Buffy said, “I just don't think this is the best time to break out the party piñata. We need to stay f- focused if we're gonna find a way to stop Glory.”

Joel: Sic nympho-Willow on her. She’d dry out Glory in under thirty seconds.

 She was trying, unsuccessfully to keep from being distracted by Willow rubbing her face into the Slayer’s neck, gently kissing her over her pulse point.

Tom: (Buffy voice) Curses, distracted ag...ooo...do that some more!

Xander and Anya were sitting across from the triad. Neither noticed that the other was enthralled with Willow’s attentions to the Slayer.

Tara noticed and shot them both a withering glare.

Crow: Aeeeeiii!

Joel: (Xander voice) I'm melting, I'm melting!

Xander shook off his staring.

Tom: Off, off damn staring!

 “Not good to piss of a dominatrix witch!” he thought as he desperately tried to deflect attention from himself. “We're going up against a god. An actual ‘mightier-than-thou’ god!” he lamented.

Willow stopped nuzzling Buffy long enough to say, “Well, you know what they say, the bigger they are…”

Anya interrupted her, “The faster they stomp you into nothing.”

Everyone stared at her for a moment.

Buffy sighed. “She's right. I've thrown everything I've got at her and she just shrugs it off,” she said somewhat despondently.

Ever the supportive friend, Willow was quick to try and perk up her lover.

Crow:  If Willow was MY girlfriend I'd be perky twenty-four seven.

Joel: Crow!

Crow: Well, wouldn't you?

“Then we have to find something heavier to throw,” she said as if it were that simple.

Tom: Like this fic, it would crush anything.

Giles looked up from the pile of books and papers he was reading through.“That might pose some difficulty,” he said. “From what the Council's been able to discover

Joel (Giles voice): Two and two equals four!

 from the book of Tarnis and, and, and other sources, Glory and two of her fellow hellgods ruled over... one of the more seriously unpleasant demon dimensions.”

Crow: Canada.

Tara was surprised. “There's more than one?”

Tom: More than one Canada? NOOOOO!!

Anya said, “Oh, there are thousands of demon dimensions. All different.”

Continuing from Anya’s comment, Giles said, “All pushing on the edges of our reality, trying to find a way in.”

Buffy hugged Willow tightly to her, as a child would with a stuffed animal,

Joel (Buffy voice): I will love her and hold her and squeeze her and name her George!

 “That bizarrium guy that attacked me said that she was banished here when she lost a war- it must have been with those other two.

Crow: Yeah, Chenney and Bush got a wicked tag team going.

 He said she wanted the key to get back there…”

Tara asked, “Why don’t we let her go?”

Buffy said, “He said the portal she’d open wouldn’t close- it would just get bigger and bigger until all the dimensions kinda mixed together…”

All: Taappiiicccooaaa pudding!

Giles frowned, “We have only his word to go on,” he cautioned. “There's nothing to indicate that here. Just... vague references to... chaos and destruction.” The sound of the whistling teakettle caused Giles to get up and walk away.

Crow: Giles is kettle whipped.

Tom (Giles voice): Coming Kettle, coming!

Buffy continued, “Plus, we don’t know what she has to do to use The Key. I’m betting it won’t be pleasant.

Tara sat back somewhat defeated. “Right. No Key for Glory then.” She’d forgotten for just a moment that The Key was Dawn.

Buffy said, “Okay, so, we know where Glory's from…”

Joel: Do we know where she's going?

Crow: I know where this fic is going.

“And where she wants to go…” Willow said softly. She was still paying attention to Buffy’s neck.

Tom (Willow voice): I believe this here is a neck! I'm so clever.

“Right,” Buffy said, suppressing a moan.

Joel: Hey! She violated that moan's rights of expression!

 “I am so going to spank you later!” she thought. She knew that’s exactly what Willow wanted, but she couldn’t help herself. The little redhead was driving her nuts. “Uh, mmm, but what do we know about her?” she said, trying to get back on track. “You know, she's tough, yeah, but, but no bolts of lightning, no blasts of fire, sh- shouldn't a god be able to do that kind of stuff?”

Tom: There is no God.

Joel: How can you tell?

Tom: We're reading this aren’t we?

she asked, her eyes seeking Giles’, looking for answers.

Crow (Giles voice): Buffy, please keep your eyes from seeking me, it's very disgusting to watch them crawl across the tabletop.

Giles tilted his head in thought as he poured his tea, “Uh, usually, yes, but um, being in human form must be severely limiting her powers. All we have to worry about right now is she's immortal, invulnerable, and insane.”

Tom: Is he talking about Glory or this fic?

Crow: Does it matter?

“A *crazy* hellgod?” Xander asked loudly. “And the fun just keeps on leaving,” he said, shaking his head.

Joel: Fun has left the building!

Tom: Was fun ever in the building?

Crow: No, it's smarther than we are.

Returning to his seat, tea in hand, Giles said, “From what I've been able to gather, her living in this world is... seriously affecting her mental state

Crow: Ya' know the similarities between this so-called Glory and this fic are unnerving.

 as well. She's only being able to keep her mind intact by, uh, extracting energy from us. Well, from, from the human brain.”

All: THE FIC THAT SUCKED MY BRAIN!!

Tara sat back up in alarm. “She's a brain-sucker?” she gulped at the thought.

“She, um...” Giles leaned over to read from the text, "…absorbs the energies that bind the human mind into a cohesive whole."

Crow: I've got your cohesive hole right here!

Joel: CROW!!

 His eyes leaving the text, he added, “Once drained, all that's left behind is, uh…”

“Crazy people,” Buffy said, finishing the thought.

Tom: So let's stop reading this right now.

Crow: Oh, if only....

Giles got up to get more tea, saying, “Which is, I'm afraid, why there's been a marked increase in the ranks of the mentally unstable here in Sunnydale.”

Tara muttered, “At least vampires just kill you.”

Buffy said, rhetorically, “We have to find a way to stop her!”

Feeling in her heart the concern radiating from Buffy, Willow said,

Joel (Willow voice): Eeek! Buffy is radioactive!

“Oh, well, Tara and I can work on some tactical spells,” and made as if to get up from Buffy’s lap.

Buffy held tightly to Willow, not wanting her to get up. Right now she needed her Will, needed her close. Looking over at Tara, she reached out a hand. She needed the support of both her lovers right now.

Joel: Crow!

Crow: What? I didn't even say anything yet!

Willow practically melted against the Slayer. Being needed and wanted was pretty much all she wanted from life. Kicking evil’s ass and having amazing sex

Tom: Colossal sex!

Joel: Impressive sex!

Crow: STTTOOOPPEENNDDOUS sex!

with both of her lovers made up the rest of her id.

Joel: Yes! In one fell swoop the wonderful, blistering, interesting sympathetic character of Willow has been reduced to a drooling idiot! Thanks a LOT!

Tara gripped the Slayer’s hand gratefully. She too needed the support of her lovers right now.

Anya wanted to be helpful too, “I can do some research. I know *way* more about demon dimensions than Giles does, she said. Noticing Giles frown, she said, “Well, I do.”

Xander said, “what about The Key?”

Tom: It opens things.

Joel: Wonderful things.

Everyone’s focus turned to Xander.

“Shouldn’t The Key go on a little trip,

Crow: But then we'd be locked out of the car!

 maybe somewhere that’s else, somewhere a little less… hellgoddy?” he asked.

No one said anything for a moment. Finally Giles said, “We don’t know that that would do any good. Glory might well just go after her…”

Xander warmed to the subject, “But she wouldn’t know.” Turning his attention to Buffy, he pointed out, “She couldn’t detect anything when she was at your house the other day, right?”

“Well, no…” Buffy answered hesitantly.

“And when your mom and Dawn went to SanFran, last month- no Glory scurrying off to find her was there?”

Joel: Well, that shows good sense. Who would want to scurry off to San Fran anyway?

Tom: Uh....everybody?

Again, Buffy answered, “Well… no, not so much.”

Anya smiled broadly at Xander. “You’re so smart!” she said proudly.

Crow (Anya voice): And you have HUUUUGGGEEE....tracks of land.

Xander beamed at his demon-girl.

Giles spoke up, “While I’m hesitant to agree with Xander…”

Anya and Xander both shouted, “Hey!” in unison.

Tom: Hey is for horses, grass is cheaper, marijuana is more fun.

Giles couldn’t quite keep the smirk off of his face.

Crow: He tried swords, guns, even napalm but the smirk would not be denied!

Tara and Willow both snickered not so quietly as Buffy said, “Giles! You made a funny!”

The group talked on for another hour,

Joel: About Giles' funny, so amazed were they are.

 considering plans, and discussing what, and when, to tell Dawn.

Tom: Yes, that day had come. It was time for Dawn to learn about 'The Facts of Life'.

***

Willow was hot and bothered. After two hours in Buffy’s lap, squirming on and nuzzling against the Slayer, what did she expect? Both of her Mistresses turned her on so much that Willow was almost always aroused these days.

Tom: This must be the new Clap-On version of Willow.

Joel: Huh?

Tom: Y'know Joel, (Sings) Clap on, clap off, clap on clap off, the Clapper.

Crow: Wouldn't that be 'Spank on, spank off?'

She loved it though, even when she had to wait to cum.

Tom: Come one come all.

The arousal built up over time making her hotter and hotter.

Crow: Then Willow suffered a heat stroke and died, can we go now?

Joel: Jesus, Crow....

 When her Mistresses finally did allow her release, she would go off like an explosion. And, she could cum

Joel: Come with me to the cazbah!

 and cum

Crow: Come over soon!

 and cum

Tom: Come fly with us.

 without any diminishing of intensity. It was like the triad thing had turned her into this wanton sexual creature,

Joel: It was like the author had turned her into this wanton sexual creature.

 something she’d never imagined she could be. “Goddess, I’m becoming a nymphomaniac!” she suddenly realized.

Tom (Willow voice) Goddess, I'm becoming a  character in a plotless, pointless, porn fanfic! (Grabs stainless steel Magnum) Time to get me a bearskin rug!

The three of them were walking back to Buffy’s house- the Slayer had said in no uncertain terms that she wasn’t spending another night on the mats in the training room. “I plan on making love to my girlfriends in a proper bed,

Tom: In contrast to, say, a doghouse.

Crow: That's right, the kinky wackiness never stops in the Summers household.

Joel: Do the Summers even have a dog?

Tom: Not anymore.

 thank you very much!

All: You're welcome.

The first night the three of them had spent together in Buffy’s room, while her mom and sister were home,

Crow: Imagine the odd stares Joyce would have given them if they'd tried to spend the night in her room.

Tom: Well, the sufficiently twisted author might try-

Joel: Shut up Tom.

 had been, well less private than they might have wanted.

Joel: What with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir dropping by unannounced to 'see the sights'.

When they had gone down

Tom: Didn't they do that all night?

to breakfast

Tom: Oh.

the next morning, Dawn and Joyce were already digging in to a stack of pancakes. They were giggling madly,

Crow (Singing): They're coming to take me away ha-ha. They're coming to take me away hee-hee, ha-ha, ho-ho to the happy home where life is wonderful all the time and I'll be happy to see the nice young men in their clean white coats. They're coming to take me away!

and Willow had made the mistake of asking what’s so funny. Dawn practically choked on her tongue in an effort not to laugh.

Tom: Pity, if she had choked on her tongue this fanfic would be over.

 Joyce managed an innocent look, and just said, “oh nothing.” She turned to Dawn, picked up a pancake on the spatula and offered it, and without cracking a smile, said, “Ok, Baby, you think you can take one more?”

Joel:Uh....

Tom: O_O

Crow: Wow.

Willow looked confused, Buffy’s eyes widened, and Tara began to blush light red.

Dawn was still giggling but managed to choke out, “Oh yeah, I think I’ve got one more in me.”

Tom: Eeeeep!

Joel: Avert your eyes boys! It's the sexually induendic mother!

Crow: This is kinda cool!

Joyce still managed to keep a straight face as she continued, “You sure, Baby? That’s four, already.”

Buffy’s jaw sagged open and Tara was blushing hot, beet-red, trying to restrain herself from laughing, or crying- she wasn’t sure which.

Tom (Tara voice): Should I laugh or should I cry? Why do I have to make all the hard decisions!

Willow was just now catching on and her skin was rapidly approaching the color of her hair.

Dawn finished the homage, saying, “Oh goddess yes, give it to me!”

Crow: Y'know I think this explains Joyce's soon to occur brain embolism.

Joel: If I remembered talking like that to my youngest daughter I'd want my head to explode too.

With that Joyce couldn’t restrain herself and busted out

Crow: In pastels.

Tom: Pastels? You sick demented fiend! She's a witch! Can we burn her?

Joel: How do you know she is a witch?

Tom: Well she turned me into a newt.

Joel: A newt?

Tom: Well...I got better.

 in raucous laughter. Dawn had tears streaming down her face, she laughed so hard.

Buffy shot Tara

Crow: Strange, I thought Warren was going to do that.

Joel: If he did that in this fic we’d be very grateful.

 a withering glance as she too began to cackle wildly.

All the color left Willow’s face and she threw herself into Buffy’s arms, hiding from the evil Dawn and Joyce.

Buffy held the mortified redhead in her arms. She was so embarrassed. She softly said, “I thought we were being so quiet!”

Crow: And the muffler on the Cessna Engine powered vibrator was brand new!

Joel: CROW!!

At that, even Willow had to give in to the ridiculousness of the situation. She kept her face buried in Buffy’s neck,

Tom: That sentence would be a heck of a lot more interesting if the word 'knife' replaced the word 'face'.

Joel: Would shorten the fanfic considerably wouldn't it?

Crow: (Sighs mournfully) That would be _so_ nice.

but began to shake with laughter herself.

Willow still couldn’t meet either Summers woman’s eyes without blushing.

Since that night, they had taken precautions.

Crow: They decided to all go on the pill.

Tom: Crow, this is girl on girl on girl sex. Wouldn't the pill be kinda redundant?

 Buffy wouldn’t hear of spending the night apart from either her family or her girlfriends, what with Glory threatening everyone she loved.

Tom: Again, more similarities to Glory and this fic.

 Tara had modified the sound insulation spell so that they could hear sounds from the house- just in case some nasty or other decided to break in- but no sound from inside the room made it past the walls.

Joel: On the other hand this fic made it past the walls, over the fence and straight across the line.

They had to renew it weekly, but it was well worth it.

Crow (Tara voice): It's kinda a pain renewing my weekly subscription to 'How To Be A Dominant Witch and Turn Your Lover's Brain To Play-Doh' but it's worth it!

Joel (Buffy voice): Yeah!

Tom (Willow voice): Duhhhh...I like cheese!

Even though Willow was still embarrassed over what she called the ‘pancake incident’ it did nothing to slow her ardor.

Joel: Nothing can dull the edge of Ardor!

Crow: It slices.

Tom: It dices.

Joel: It crushes.

Crow: It mushes.

Tom: It mashes.

Joel: It crashes.

Crow: And after all that, Ardor can still make julienne fries!

Tom: Hand crafted from the finest materials by a guy we picked up on the street we think is named Bob, Ardor guarantees never to resist even the most pathetic forms of wear and tear.

Joel: And now it's available direct to you for the low, low, price of nine, ninety-nine, ninety-nine, ninety-nine!

Crow: Easy to pay monthly installment plan, annual payment plan available, sorry, no COD's, void where prohibited, failure to keep up payments may result in the loss of your home. Operators standing by.

All: SO ORDER NOW!

 She still wanted her Mistresses nightly, “More like morning, noon, and nightly,” she thought. “Oh, and evenings too.” Yep, she was definitely becoming a nymphomaniac.

Tom: Or more likely she was becoming a two-dimensional cardboard cut out of herself through this neanderthalic, phalically-motivated, pathetic scribbling of a low brow, too lazy to bother creating a proper background, wanna-be writer!

Joel: Feeling better?

Tom: Much.

They were only halfway to their destination when Willow suddenly turned and threw herself at the Slayer, shouting, “Catch me Buffy!”

Crow: But instead Buffy sidestepped letting the hollow shell that had once Willow land in the middle of the street and get run over by a pack of rabid Shriners.

Buffy’s heightened reflexes allowed her to keep from being knocked over as she suddenly found a redhead attached to her torso, arms and legs wrapped around her back, and lips assaulting her own.

After kissing Buffy breathless,

Joel: Willow lowered The Slayer's asphyxiated corpse to the ground, admiring how the pale blue dead skin of the blonde’s features glowed slightly under the neon lighting of the street lamp.

Crow: And you call US dark?

Willow slid down off of her, and said, “I love you Mistress Buffy!”

Tom: I'm sorry, but do those two words strike anyone else here as fundamentally wrong?

Joel: Yep.

Crow: Right there with you buddy.

Turning from the stunned Slayer,

Crow (Buffy voice): Must...have....Cheetoes.

 Willow sauntered the few steps to her other Mistress, being sure to swing her hips enticingly as she went.

Tom: Ah yes, Willow Rosenberg: Hooker-In-Training. Be sure the thank the nice author.

Joel: Thanks.

Crow: Get bent!

She didn’t throw herself in the other blonde’s arms- no Slayer strength or reflexes there- rather she gently pressed her body against the voluptuous curves of her senior Mistress

Joel: Okay, hold up. I've seen Amber Benson and, yeah, she's cute but labeling her voluptuous is the same thing as...well...calling this fic capable.

Crow: Can't do that.

Tom: Nope.

Joel: So Tara would be about as voluptuous as-

Tom: A two by four.

Crow: Drywall.

 and slowly suckled on Tara’s pouty lips. After heightening Tara’s pulse and respiration, she looked up into her eyes and repeated “I love you Mistress Tara!”

Crow: This is just too painful.

Tom: I know what you mean, Willow's a pretty cool character but this? I when exactly did Willow get a guest appearance in 'One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest'?

Tara gave Buffy one of her lopsided grins and said, “Somebody’s feeling needy…”

Joel: I know the feeling. I have this craving, this burning need deep inside that can only be satisfied by...by...oh I dunno...A PLOT MAYBE?

Buffy snickered, “Can’t wait till we get you home pet?”

Now Willow was getting really turned on. She tried a little pout, “What, can’t a girl tell her dominatrix girlfriend’s that she loves them?”

Joel: Not when she's got the IQ of a Lay-Z-Boy.

Crow: Not when a truly loveable character has been reduced to a non-animated puff bunny of a Jessica Rabbit clone.

Tom: Not really when...ah skip it.

Joel: No, no go ahead.

Tom: It's not as good as yours.

Joel: It's okay, quality isn't what matters, riffing is all that matters.

Crow: Be the riff, Tom, embrace the riffdome.

Tom: Okay...fine...here we go. Not really when the characterization that makes a fic a beautiful thing has been ravished, twisted, corrupted beyond recognition and then jam packed into an anime-based, bambi eyed, innocent appearing but in reality quite the 'let's shove any random object inside' slut stereotype by some blubbering fiend who decides that every single random thought that pops into his head must be the work of genius and should be recorded for posterity and has no idea in real life that what he's really doing is adding the suffering of the masses on a grand scale!

Buffy said, “We love you too, Will.”

Tara said, “We do, but somehow I don’t think your intentions were entirely pure.”

Tom: Hey! It's Willow who's acting like someone slipped her some rufee's not you.

Willow sulked unconvincingly.

Crow: This fic sucks convincingly though.

“Don’t pout, pet,” Tara said. “The Slayer and I have a surprise for you tonight.”

Joel: We call it 'The Electric Chair'.

Buffy raised her eyebrows in surprise. She and Tara had talked about something, but she didn’t know Tara had gotten the equipment for it. “Willowmeat?”

Tom (singing): Two beef paties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese and a Willow on a sesame seed bun.

Crow: And them's good eatin'!

Joel: Crow.

she mouthed at her Mistress, checking to be sure she was on the same page.

Joel: Same page? Are we on the same freakin' planet?

Tara nodded her head.

Willow missed Buffy’s question

Crow: I'm thinkin' this Willow misses a hell of a lot.

Tom: Except any and every opportunity for sex.

 and spun around

All: Wheeee!

asking, “What? A surprise? What is it?” she sounded like a kid being told she was getting a present.

Buffy, addressing Tara, said, “She seems impatient to me, Mistress. She may need to be disciplined, and then she should work to earn her surprise.”

Joel: Yes, she should work for her surprise. Go out and pick cotton!

Tom: Labor for your reward, wash the car.

Crow: Struggle for your salvation...uh....

Joel: Salvation?

Tom: Is there any to be found in this obscenity?

Crow: Only if it ends right now.

Willow began to salivate at the thought.

Crow: What the... Jesus. A Pavlovian response?

Tom: Considering that the red hair, Willow's trademark mind you, and her current behavior reminds me more of an Irish setter than a character from a television program, ask yourself: Are you honestly surprised?

Crow: Well...when you put it that way....

Joel: Not at all.

Tara ran her hand down Willow’s neck

Tom (Tara voice): So...easy....be so....eaasssyy...flex the fingers, snaps like a chicken bone.

possessively, reaching around and grabbing her by the hair at the nape of her neck, not pulling or hurting, but just reminding her who was in charge

Crow: Hey lady it might actually work a bit better if you just said, 'Remember fellow victims in god awful sex filled fanfic, I'm in charge!'

Joel: I don't think that would actually work.

 as she said, “You’d like that even better wouldn’t you pet?”

Willow couldn’t nod her head from the firm grip Tara had on her. She was somewhat embarrassed to note that she could feel her panties soaking through the moment Tara had grabbed her hair.

Tom: Oh my goodness, she's soaked her panties! Isn't that amazing ladies and gentlemen?

Crow: I do believe that is the first I've ever seen spontaneous panty soaking....

Joel: In the last fifteen seconds.

Tom: It begs the question: How often does she change panties?

Joel: What kind of purse does she have?

Crow: Hefty's.

“Yes Mistress!” she said. “I should definitely be disciplined for my impatience.”

“Don’t put yourself out, Mouse,” came a voice from across the street.

Tom (Cockney accent): Oif it's a loovly doy fer yoo Moriy Poppins?

Joel (London accent):  By jove, Watson! The games afoot, by jove I say, by jove indeed. By jove.

Crow (Australian accent): Oi, look 'ere moites, look at this lovly exoimple of nature's spledorh! Oi, he's a fiesty bugger ain' he?

Joel: ....what?

“Why not let me have a go?” Spike asked, his tone lecherous. “I know how to wear out a slave.”

Joel: This author knows how to wear out a fic.

Tom: Are you kidding? He knows how to grind a character down to a nub!

Buffy was furious. How dare Spike interfere with her love life!

Crow: Spike, the Bear, what's the dif?

 “I am going to *so* kick your ass!” she growled.

Tara remained calm. She loosed Willow

Tom: Willow's loose.

and addressed Buffy,

“Easy, Slayer.

Joel: The Slayer's Easy.

I’ll handle this one.”

Crow: Tara wants to be handled.

Spike was amazed when Buffy actually backed down. He’d expected to get beat up, but it would have been worth it.

Tom: Uh...why?

Crow: Easy, Spike's become a masochist.

Joel: His character becoming another tragic victim of this plague.

Crow: Sorta like Ebola, only not quite as much fun.

Now… “You’re subbin' to the bleedin' Mouse?” he taunted Buffy.

Spike was mistaking the witch in front of him for the shy, meek little girl she used to be.

Joel: Yeah, he was mistaking her for actually being a proper reflection of her original character.

 It was, she supposed, a natural mistake,

Tom: Wish we could chalk this debauchery up to that.

Crow: But it's been done deliberately.

 after all it hadn’t been even three months since the encounter with her father, brother and cousin, when Spike had seen her at her worst.

Joel: Noooo... THIS is definitely far worse.

Boy was he in for a surprise.

Tom: The development of actual plot?

Crow: Inconceivable.

Joel: Impossible.

Tom: Incredible.

Joel: Improbable.

Crow: Incredulous.

Tom: But dearly, dearly, wished for.

Crow: I could use a lovely plot and rationale sandwich right now.

Tara whispered an incantation and made a gesture and the magic gripped Spike by his ankles.

Crow: I didn't know flickin' someone the bird had magical properties.

Joel: Do it to the wrong person and your front teeth will vanish.

Another gesture and his feet were pulled out from under him, causing him to fall back and smash his head hard against the pavement.

“OOOWWWW!!! Bloody hell! What did you do to me, you stupid bint?” Spike shouted in pain.

Tara was thoroughly enjoying herself, and her pets’ stunned reactions.

Tom: Enjoy other peoples stunned reactions just use a-

Crow: Cattle prod.

 “Now, now, Spike. You’re being very rude.”

She made another gesture and the vampire was snatched up into the air by his feet, until he was hanging upside-down with his head was about 8’ above the street.

“Bloody hell!” Spike shouted again, his vocabulary not being all that extensive.

Crow: While we all know The Bear is a regular thesaurus.

Tara smiled. “You know, I never did thank you for punching me in the nose that time.” Turning to address Buffy, she said, “Slayer, why don’t you show this vermin how high you jump when Mistress tells you to.”

Buffy blushed just a little bit, slightly embarrassed at being dominated in front of Spike. Mostly she was turned on.

Joel: Oh aren’t they always?

Tom: Maybe Buffy should ask Willow if she's got a spare pair of panties.

Crow: Save them all a lot of trouble if they just bought water proof ones.

 Tara was definitely establishing just why she was the Dom in this relationship. “Yes Mistress she said with a feral grin.”

Spike tried reason,

Tom: While the author tried only hormones.

“Hey now, I was bloody well doin' you a favor… OOUUUCCHH!!” his attempt got cut off by Buffy’s foot crushing the cartilage in his nose as she effortlessly performed a spinning back kick 8” in the air.

“You bwoke by nose!”

Tom: I taut I taw a puddy tat!

Crow: I deed, I deed, I deed see a puddy tat!

 he shouted as he cupped his hands to the damaged proboscis, blood pouring out and up over his eyes and forehead, dripping down off of his hair.

“Since you were doing me such a big favor, I won’t let my Slayer kill you… tonight.” Gesturing to Willow, she said, “Come here, pet.”

Joel (Whistles): Here red, here red, c'mon girl, come on. Good girl...goooood girl! Who's your mistress? Come on, who's your mistress?

Willow leapt to Tara’s side.

All: What a good doggie!

Tom: Give her a milk bone.

Joel: Give her a chew toy.

Crow: Give her a bullet to the brain.

Joel:....

Crow: Worked for Old Yeller didn't it?

 She was in awe at the way Tara was handling the bleached wonder. Not just the magic, Willow could easily have done that. It was thinking of it in the first place, plus the confident way she was handling the situation. “Goddess I love you!”

Crow: The Goddess thanks you.

Tom: Strange sense of loyalty for someone who's divinity shoved them into a fic like this.

she thought at her Mistress.

Tara smiled at the adoration showing in Willow’s eyes.

Crow: The Batsignal.

 She stepped behind her and wrapped her arms around her. With a little gesture of her fingers she spun Spike around so that his back was to them. She let her hands wander over her pet’s body, sliding up under her shirt and down into her pants.

Willow’s breath was coming in gasps and she was making little moaning sounds

All (Sung to the tune of 'I'm a Lumberjack')

I'm a Redhead and I'm okay

I screw all night and am screwed all day.

I make moaning sounds, fix em real good,

Doing what a sex slave al-ways should.

My characterizations shot but I don't care,

You want someone to blame go find The Bear.

 as her Mistress played with her out on the street.

Joel: Patty-cake, patty-cake baker’s man, bake me a cake as fast as you can.

Crow: This keeps up Willow is going to be very baked.

Tara said, “Now then, would you say I am perfectly capable of taking care of your needs, pet?”

Tom (Willow voice): Well let's see, having been stripped of every last part of myself to the point where I have the cognitive skills of horny roadkill and having more sex on the mind then Anya I'd say, hell yeah.

“Oh, Yes, Mistress!” she moaned.

Spike was rapidly becoming hard from the sounds the little redhead was making, as he pictured what the blonde witch was doing to her.

“Both pleasure and pain?”

Joel: This fic is a pain, yes. Where's the pleasure?

Tom: The ending maybe?

 Tara asked as she viciously pinched Willow’s right nipple.

Willow cried out in pleasure as the sharp pain in her nipple darted directly to her clit.

Tom: Interesting nervous system she's got there.

“Oh goddess, yes Mistress!”

Letting Willow go with a disappointed whimper, Tara once again addressed Spike. “So you see, I’ve got things firmly in hand. None of us need the help of an undead peroxide junky tonight, or any other night.”

Spike moaned himself as his cock was now rock hard. It was all he could do not to pull it out right there and start stroking it.

Crow: I am so not touching that one.

Tom: Neither is he.

Crow: Touché.

Willow leaned back and whispered something in Tara’s ear,

Joel (Willow voice): Remember the words, 'Ertum, Barata, Nektu'.

Crow (Yoda voice): There...is...another...Sky...Walk...er....

Tom (Willow voice): I can see dead people.

too low for even Buffy and Spike to hear it. Tara laughed and said, “Go ahead, pet?”

Willow muttered an incantation

All: By the power of Elvis!

 and a barely-visible gauze of light extended from her hands and encircled the vampire’s pelvis. She had an evil smile on her face as she said pleasant dreams, Spiky!

Tara laughed again and said, “Come on, pets. We’ve got business to attend to.”

Joel: Business. Right.

Tom: Somehow I don't think they're buying stocks.

Crow: Maybe in a rubber factory.

They left Spike dangling in mid air, 8’ off of the ground, cursing and grumbling.

***

“When will the spell wear off?” Buffy asked

Joel: Well, we've got a lot of experience dealing with bad fics, lil lady, and in my best estimate the worst effects will have worn off by tomorrow.

Crow: Yeah, but their will always be some residual mental scarring.

as they were going up the stairs to her room.

Tara answered, “The one holding him up ended when we came through the door just now. He’s probably cursing his newly acquired headache right now.

“Which one?” Willow asked with a snigger. Tara joined her in laughing.

“What did you do to him Will?” Buffy asked, curious as to what that pale light was all about.

Tom: Go into the light, Buffy, go into the light.

Crow: They're all waiting for you Buffy. All your loved ones are waiting for you, in the light.

Willow was still giggling as she explained, “I made him really, really hard.”

Crow: Yes, for this fic to do anything like that would require magic.

Buffy was confused, “Why is that so funny?”

Joel: The author is really trying to be arousing and failing miserably. That's why.

“Cause, it won’t go away, and he won’t be able to do anything about it for at least 24 hours.” She said.

Buffy’s eyes goggled, “You mean…”

All: Yes! This fic blows!

Tara was giggling too as she added, “And, the harder he tries to ‘deal with it’, the harder it’ll get!”

Buffy shook her head amazed and in awe of her girlfriends’ deviousness.

Crow (Buffy voice): I'm amazed and in awe of my girlfriends' deviousness. Awe I tell you, awe...and amazed...really really amazed.  I've been abusing many drugs.

Joel: That would explain a lot.

 “I was just going to kick his ass. This is *way* better!”

Tom: Dig the groovey colors, man.

Joel: Sweet, sweet colors.

Crow: Smoooth colors.

 Switching into

Tom: Reverse she backed the car over The Bear's bloated corpse. 'Yeehaa!'

 a more submissive tone as they entered her bedroom, she said, “And, may I say, Mistress- you were awesome! I got so turned on I can’t believe it!”

Crow (Buffy voice): It's like I've got the Mekong River Delta in my panties!

Joel: Crow!

Willow jumped in, “You were amazing, Mistress. Inspiring!”

Tara said, “I think we have someone’s discipline to see to, don’t we Slayer?”

Buffy smiled a predatory smile at Willow and said, “Yes Mistress. Then there’s the service. Our pet needs to earn her surprise!”

“That’s right, pet. I think you’ll like it. Now, clothes off, both of you!”

Tom: Romance isn't dead, I see.

Crow: It's incinerated.

Joel: A moment of silence please in memory of romance.

Willow and Buffy scrambled to

Joel: get the hell out of this fanfic as fast as possible.

Tom: Hey, what about that moment of silence?

Joel: That was sarcasm.

 obey, while Tara disrobed at a more genteel pace. She walked over and laid down on the side of the bed, her upper body propped up on the pillows at the head of the bed. She put one food down on the floor next to the

Crow: Yet to be seen Bear Trap. SNAP!

Tom: Oh, sorry, sorry, left that little sucker behind for the author in case he happened to wander by. My bad.

 bed and moved the other leg toward the center of the bed.

“Slayer, you sit down there,” she said, indicating the area by her calf.

Joel (Buffy voice): Awww...Tara you never told me you had a pet cow.

Tom: Moooooo.

 “Pet, I want you on the Slayer’s lap, with that sweet little mouth of yours right here,”

Crow: she said holding up a bumper. 'Suck the chrome off this thing.'

Joel: Crow.

 she said as she began to stroke the slick heat between her legs.

“Slayer, you start slow, and finish her discipline when she makes me cum.”

Joel: Come up and see me sometime.

Tom: Come bring your friends.

Crow: Here Comes the Sun.

Joel: Come get away with me.

Crow: Come along now.

Tom: Comma, comma, comma, comma, comma chameleon.

Buffy sat down and Willow was on her lap the moment she settled. Willow said, “Thank you Mistress Tara,” and looked over her shoulder and said, “Thank you too Mistress Buffy!” and then commenced to pleasing Tara as only Willow could.

Before she got lost

Joel: Too late. She got lost a long time ago.

in the pleasure that Willow’s lips and tongue could bring her Tara said, “No cumming for you until you service us both, understand, pet?”

Crow (Willow voice): Sure thing lady. I'll clean out yer engines, change the oil, rotate yer tires, make sure yer mufflers working okay and, if ya think ya need it, give ya a lube job. Hawk spit.

Joel: Crow!

Willow nodded and pulled away just enough to say “Yes Mistress.” She gave a delighted little squeal before diving back in as Buffy gave her the first *smack*.

***

By the time Tara had screamed

Tom: Redrum, redrum!

 out her orgasm, Buffy had rained down nearly fifty blows on her pet’s delightful derrière. The formerly creamy flesh was bright, hot red. Buffy had been careful to keep the strikes gentle enough so that there was no bruising, while hard enough to assure a sharp, stinging sensation. Even so, Willow would have to sleep on her stomach tonight if she wanted to be comfortable.

Crow: If she really wanted to comfortable I’d recommend sleeping in a different time zone.

Predictably, Buffy’s lap was sopping wet with Willow’s sweet syrup.

Joel (Buffy voice) Goddammnit Will, how many times have I told you make sure the top on the syrup bottle is screwed on tight!

 Buffy almost envied the girl her task of licking mistress Buffy’s thighs clean, which Willow did with great gusto before beginning her attack on Buffy’s own sloppy wet cleft.

Tom: Sloppy wet WHAT?

Joel: Never in my life have I seen such tasteful and subtle references to lovemaking. Why yes indeed this here is the bastion of fine, erotic, publishing and should be hailed as a national treasure.

Crow: I thought a cleft had something to with music.

Once Tara had recovered

Tom: from being in this fic, shyea right, like that's ever gonna happen.

Joel: It could, would require massive amounts of therapy and probably lifetime medication but with tender loving care Tara could be restored.

Crow: You really believe that?

Joel: Nah, just being foolishly optimisitic. As far as this fic is concerned, she's toast.

 from her orgasm, she got up and got out the tools for

Tom: The construction of her very own thermonuclear bomb!

Crow: She wouldn't need one of those.

Tom: Why not?

Crow: She's in this fic, all the hazardous, radioactive material she could ever need is just laying all around her.

Willow’s surprise. She reached down and wrapped a blindfold around Willow’s eyes while she was still servicing Buffy.

Joel (Willow voice): Here’s  yer problem lady, see this here doohicky? It’s done busted!

 Tara paused for a moment as Buffy got close to her release.

Tom (Buffy voice): Wow, only two minutes in jail for the killing The Bear. What a light sentence.

 The slayer was a delight to watch when she came. Her whole body tensed like an overdrawn bow, then when released, all the muscles in her taught, hard body

Tom: Buns of Steel!

Crow: Abs of Iron!

Joel: Brain of Jell-O!

would quiver and twitch, making it look like her body was rippling like waves in a pond when you threw a rock in. it was amazing to behold.

Honestly though, and Buffy agreed with her on this, there was nothing like watching Willow cum.

Tom: Coming right up.

Joel: Coming soon.

Crow: Coming out of the-

Joel: Crow!

Crow: -washing machine, fresh as a daisy and smelling clean. Yes, OdoAway guarentees bright, not just white!

The panting and whimpering that immediately preceded it, the warbling cries during

Tom: So Willow sounds like Xena: Warrior Princess during orgasm?

Joel: That or a turkey.

Crow: Gobble, Gobble, Gobble.

and the soft sighs and moans afterward were like an orchestral movement.

Joel: Willow In E Minor, Fifth Symphony, conducted by ‘The Bear’.

Her body’s flushed skin and all over quivering, the combined look of agony and ecstasy on her face- it was better than fine art, like a moving sculpture of beauty. Willow was so passionate,

Joel: SO passionate.

 so responsive,

Crow: SO responsive.

so affectionate.

Tom: SO affectionate.

 She took discipline and pleasure in vast quantities

Crow: Gimmie another glass of Discipline and Pleasure, Barkeep, and NO ICE THIS TIME!

 and was always grateful.

Willow gave pleasure too; better than Tara could have ever imagined. She loved having Buffy go down on her- the slayer was a natural, and had wonderful stamina. She herself loved pleasuring both of her pets orally, but she knew that Willow was better at it than either of them. She just seemed to know exactly what to do and when to do it.

Tom: If that was true she would have left this fic before the opening credits.

 She knew Tara’s body much better than Tara did, and was able to drive her insane,

Crow: And this riffing is the only thing keeping us from following.

keeping her near, but not over the top, almost indefinitely. Conversely, when she was trying to drive Tara over the edge,

Joel: Tara and Willow pull a Thelma and Louise.

Crow: I’d watch that.

there was nothing, short of ordering her to stop, that the blonde witch could do to prevent it. “She’s magical in more than just witchcraft!” Tara thought.

Once Buffy had come down from her release, Tara instructed Willow to kneel in the center of the bed and wait.

Buffy put on the monster strap-on,

Tom: Of course, the inevitable ‘Monster Strap On’. Fanficcers like those things like kids like monster trucks.

 carefully adjusting the harness to the base of the dildo seated properly inside her

Crow: She’s wearing it backwards?

Joel: I’ve heard of dumb blonde jokes but this is a bit extreme.

 and against her clit. She’d been embarrassed when Willow asked her to buy this for her,

Tom: Only then?

but couldn’t back down. They had gone to the sex shop as master and slave, and Willow had played the part to the hilt, fawning on Buffy and dropping to her knees, begging her mistress to use the giant silicone dildo on her,

Crow (Willow voice): Please, oh please attempt to rupture my insides?

Joel: Crow!

 promising to be a good little pet and please her mistress properly.

The dang thing was twelve inches long and three inches around.

All: IT’S MR. ED!

Tom (Whinnies): Hello Wi-hi-hi-ilbur!

 It was bright purple and rippled along it’s entire length.

Crow: Ah, so not only are the proportions ridiculous but the color scheme will blind you.

Joel: The whole thing is ridiculous. Twelve inches with a three inch circumference? What is it with writers anyway? Basic anatomy lesson, nerve endings cut out at about the two-inch mark.

Tom: Don’t believe us? Try opening an umbrella up your-

Joel: Robin Williams at the Met, 1993. Thanks Tom, you can be quiet now.

Willow never failed to have multiple, screaming,

Tom: Hemorrhages.

 orgasms when Buffy used it on her. It had taken four nights of working up to it before Willow could take it inside

Joel: The library. They’re touchy about sex toys in public.

Crow (Willow Voice): Those oppressive bastards. Why can’t I take my fun things where I want too?

 of her. She’d been proud of the accomplishment when she finally mastered it, and she’d driven Buffy to three orgasms in a row in thanks.

Tom: Thanks eh? Yeah…um…whatever.

Crow: That riff blew chunks.

Tom: I don’t think the stupidity of the passage needed any helping. It was doing a good enough job on it’s own.

Buffy hadn’t been brave enough to try it herself,

Joel: Oh my gosh! There’s actually someone with a brain in this fic?

 and Tara had confided in her that she couldn’t imagine using it on Buffy.

Tom: But potentially ripping apart the insides of Willow, who has no preternatural endurance or healing? Sure, that’s hunky dory.

 Aside from having either of her mistresses entire hand inside of her,

Crow: Someone’s actually believed everything they saw in ‘Chasing Amy’.

Tom (Ben Afleck voice): You’re KIDDING!

 it was Willow’s favorite toy.

Tara was strapping on a toy of her own- something Willow hadn’t seen yet. It was a little more than half the length of the monster Buffy was sporting, and only ¾ of an inch around, but it was going somewhere only a single slim finger had gone before.

Joel: Up the redhead’s nose!

Crow: JOEL!!

 She gestured for Buffy to get up and lay on the bed next to the kneeling redhead. “Ok, Willow. It’s time for your surprise. Your mistresses are going to make a sandwich-

Tom: Could I get a nice Rueben? Cooked just right so it’s crispy on the outside and the cheese has melted just right?

 and you get to be the meat!”

Crow (Hannibal Lector voice): We’ll eat your liver with some fava beans, and a fine Chianti. Sth, sth, sth, sth!

Willow scrunched her nose in confusion.

Crow: I guess when they said they wanted to eat her she didn’t understand they meant literally.

Joel: Crow.

Tara smirked. “Mistress Buffy is laying next to you, and she’s got one of your favorites. Climb aboard, pet.

Willow reached over and ran her hand down Buffy’s body, encountering the harness and moving her hand to feel the Witch-slayer, as she dubbed it. Her face broke

All (Singing): And all the King’s Horses and all the King’s Men, couldn’t put poor Willow back together again.

 into a giant smile and she said, “Oh Thank you Mistress!” She wasted no time straddling Buffy and slowly enveloping the huge phallus. She had broken

Tom: Gosh, there’s a surprise. Who wouldn’t?

 out in a sweat before she was all the way down on the thing. She loved the way it stretched her inside. It was the most amazing combination of pleasure and pain,

Joel: And pain, and pain, and pain and pain, and nerve rending agony and pain and pain and pain and pain.

 and she absolutely adored it. By the time her pelvis was flush against Buffy’s harness she was making

Tom: Ruebens?

 little grunting sounds and tears were spilling from her eyes. “Oh goddess! Mistress, may I please cum?”

Crow: Comin’ around first base it’s Petey Winkersnickle!

Tom: C’mon baby, let’s blow this taco stand.

Joel (Butthead voice): Huh, huh, he said come.

she begged, almost unable to restrain herself.”

Buffy looked up at Tara for guidance- she was running the show this night.

Tara smiled indulgently at her pets as she began to rub lubrication over the slim dildo strapped to her. “Yes pet, for the rest of the night, you can cum

Crow: Come out swinging.

Joel: Come to the point.

Tom: This fic has a point?

Crow: Sure, two. Buffy’s wearing one and Tara’s wearing the other.

Joel: CROW!

 as often as you like,” she said, knowing what she had just done was about the same as giving a teenager a credit card and turning them loose in a shopping mall.

Willow cried out, “Thank you Mistress!!” as she incited

Tom: The rebels to arise against their common oppressor!

Joel: Down with The Bear! Down with The Bear!

Crow: No sexsation without representation!

Joel: Huh?

 her first of many with just the slightest grinding movement around the base of Buffy’s monster cock.

Tom: Buffy’s the Slayer right, Joel?

Joel: Yep.

Tom: And Slayers slay monsters right?

Joel: Yeeesss.

Tom: So why is Buffy wearing one?

Joel: Uh….

Before the shock waves from the first orgasm subsided, Willow began riding the big

Crow: Harley Davidson.

Tom: (Hums Steppenwolf)

Joel (Singing): Head out on the highway…lookin’ for Adventure-

Crow: Oh she doesn’t need to look.

dildo with slow, short

Joel: Slow and short! Unlike this fanfic.

 strokes. She didn’t notice the bed move as Tara moved behind her. She was nearing her second orgasm when Tara slid a lubricated finger up inside her rectum. Willow stilled instantly as another orgasm ripped through her

Tom: The concern is not the orgasms ripping through her, but in point of order, something else.

 at the surprising penetration. “Oh, goddess! Thank you Mistress!” she shouted.

Tara said, “Hold still a moment, pet.” She removed her finger to Willow’s accompanying whimper and positioned the head of her cock against Willow’s sphincter. Willow gasped when Tara slowly pushed it past the ring of muscle with a gentle pop.

All: Goes the redhead!

 Thought slender, it was much larger than a finger, which was the largest thing Willow had ever experienced before in that location.

Joel: Yeah well that’s understandable. People don’t normally pick their nose with a strap-on.

 Her breathing became ragged as Tara slowly pushed in all seven inches of dark-red silicone.

Tom: Kids don’t try this at home. These people are morons.

Willow’s third orgasm came as Tara bottomed out and grabbed the redhead’s hips, grinding them against the two toys.

Willow began to weep

Crow: That’s understandable, I’d imagine she’d be in quite a bit of pain.

 with joy and over stimulation as Tara guided her hips in a slow rhythm up and down against the two penetrating forces.

Joel: Order and Chaos.

 Within five minutes both Mistresses were slamming into their pet, delighting in her hoarse cries as orgasm after orgasm poured through her. Tara had lost count at ten, along with three of her own,

Tom (Tara voice): Duuuhh…ten and three is…um…um…don’t tell me, don’t tell I can figure it out….

 when she heard something she had never heard before.

Crow: If you build it, they will come.

Tom: No, they did that already, thirteen times at least.

 Willow was begging them to stop.

“Oh goddess! Too much, it’s too much! Please, no more!”

Tom: Oh goddess! Too much, it’s too much! Please, no more!

Joel: Why are you repeating the line word for word?

Tom: Who’s repeating? I’m expressing an honest desire here!

 she cried.

Both blondes immediately stilled, concerned that they had hurt their pet.

Crow: Yes, only AFTER shoving a grand total of nineteen inches of vulcanized rubber into their partner do these two caring women express concern.

“Are you ok, Baby?” Tara asked the twitching, shuddering redhead.

Tom: Considering your activities have probably dislocated several of her vertebrae I doubt it.

“Are you all right Willow?” Buffy asked at the same time.

Willow nodded tiredly. She was breathing heavily as she said, “Yes. Goddess yes… That was… the best… ever!”

Joel: The Bear’s definition of ‘the best’ must differ slightly from any other rationale person.

she panted out. “Please… no more… I think… I’ll die!”

All: DIE ALREADY!

Both mistresses smirked at one another, happy they hadn’t hurt their precious Willow, and amazed that they had actually found a limit to the pleasure she could take.

Willow moaned “AAAhhhhhhh,”

Tom: That sound, in a different pitch, would have happened far earlier.

 as they slowly withdrew from her. She collapsed on top of Buffy, spent and boneless.

Crow: Her bones being shoved out of the way to make room.

Tara said, “Stay right there, I’ll get something to clean you up, pet.”

She was sound asleep in Buffy’s arms by the time Tara got back. She didn’t even wake up when they cleaned her up and put her under the covers.

***

Dawn was walking to the Magic Box. Buffy’d made her promise upon pain of death to come straight to the shop after school. Normally she was like, ‘whatever’ with Buffy’s threats, but ever since she’d come out of the closet about Tara and Willow, Buffy had been much nicer to Dawn.

Tom: Nothing like the bearing of one’s inner demons and the output of rubber to ease tension levels.

Dawn even tried to be nicer back.

Crow: But failed, the voices kept calling to her.

Joel (Spooky voice): Kill them, Dawn.

Tom (Spooky voice): Bury them in the cellar, Dawn.

Crow (Spooky voice): Watch Jerry Springer, Dawn.

 All she wanted was to be included,

Joel: Oh My God!

even if it meant being extra nice to Buffy- such as keeping her promises, she’d do it.

As she turned the final corner to her destination, she saw her two favorite witches outside the shop, casting a spell of some kind.

Crow (Willow voice): How to cook bear meat in under thirty seconds.

Tom (Tara voice): Finger linkin’ good!

She really, really liked Tara and Willow. Even if they were doing freaky sex things with Buffy, she still idolized them-

Joel: That girl has got to meet some new people.

No super powers, just regular girls

Joel: With a passion for rubber.

Crow: And dragged large garbage bags of panties everywhere.

Tom: And had frequent problems with dehydration.

 that learned magic so they could fight vampires and stuff, just like Buffy.

Willow and Tara were outside the magic shop, drawing symbols on the ground with colored sand as Dawn walked up.

Tom (Willow voice): S’no fair, Tara. You always beat me at Tic-Tac-Toe.

Crow (Tara voice): That’s because a bowl of macaroni and cheese is smarter than you are pet.

Tom (Willow voice): Woof.

Dawn: You guys doin’ a spell?

Willow said, “Dawn, hey. Y-yeah, we're doing an early warning incantation. If anything hellgodishly powerful comes within a hundred feet of the shop, then screechy siren things will, you know, screech.”

Tara dusted her hands off, having completed the final symbol. “This should give us a heads-up so we can hide ... the, um, Key,” she finished, lamely, annoyed with herself.

Willow jumped in,

Tom: A deep hole and pulled the earth in over her, anything, even a painful lingering death was better than this.

“We already put one up around your house.”

Dawn smiled, missing Tara’s awkwardness,

Joel: We miss it too, but Bear forbid she ever actually be in character.

Crow: He did.

Joel: I know.

 “Cool, can I help?”

Willow and Tara exchanged a look.

Tara hesitantly asked, "You're interested in learning magic?"

Dawn nodded eagerly, "Oh Yeah! I think it's *so* cool, plus, Hello? Hellmouth, danger, vampires. I don't wanna spend my life being the victim in my family.”

Crow (Tara voice): That job’s taken. We have Buffy.

Willow said, "Uh, we've got this covered, Dawn, but maybe… if Buffy says it's ok,,," she trailed off.

Tara picked up, "It's a good point. We can talk with Buffy about teaching you magic.”

Tom (Willow voice): If we have time, I’m such an obsessive little nympho I may never let these two luscious girls out of the bedroom, tee-hee, giggle, giggle.

Joel (The Bear voice): My work here is done.

Dawn actually jumped up and down, clapping her hands. "Really?! Oh, God, Thank you guys!"

"Don't get too excited, Dawn," Willow cautioned. We'd have to talk to your mom, too…"

That cooled Dawn’s excitement a little, but Dawn had figured out how some things worked now.

Tom: The stork does not deliver Babies.

Crow: Wishing upon a star doesn’t do diddley-squat.

Joel: Disney movies are all make believe!

Tom & Crow: The horror!

Mom would go along with anything Buffy wanted-

Crow: Oh yuck.

 Slayer/hellmouth-wise.

Crow: Ah, that’s alright then.

She’d argue for a while, but she would go along with it- like when she’d taken Dawn out of town when the mayor was gonna ascend, or whatever. She didn’t want to, and she and Buffy argued about it, but in the end, she did what Buffy wanted. That meant she just needed to convince Buffy it was ok for her to learn magic.

Tom: Could it be?

Crow: It is, it is!

Joel: Gentlemen, I do believe we’ve made it. It’s rather brusque, sloppy and compacted but…this is plot.

All: Whoohooo!

A couple of months ago Dawn wouldn’t have bothered. Buffy wouldn’t let Dawn do anything fun, especially hellmouth-wise. But now, Dawn knew Buffy would do whatever Tara told her to do, cause Tara was Buffy’s Dom, and Buffy had to obey her.

Joel: What have they been teaching this girl?

 So, all Dawn needed to do was convince Tara, and it sounded like she was already ok with it, which basically meant it was a sure thing.

Dawn tried to maintain her calm outside, but inside she was doing a serious happy dance. Maybe she could convince Tara that she needed to learn to fight too- but she’d save that for later. “That’s cool. I think she’ll go along with it if Buffy will.”

Tara narrowed her eyes slightly. It wouldn’t do to underestimate Dawn

Tom (Vader Voice): Do not underestimate the power of the Dawn side.

 just because she looked and acted like a fifteen year old.

Crow: Because in fact she was thirty seven years old!

 It appeared that Dawn had figured out Joyce’s weak spot on all things hellmouth. Which means she probably figured that Buffy would do whatever Tara wanted, which wasn’t exactly true.

Crow (Tara voice): Get me a cheese sandwich.

Tom (Buffy voice): No.

Crow (Tara voice): Get me a cheese sandwich.

Tom (Buffy voice): No.

Crow (Tara voice): Get me a cheese sandwich.

Tom (Buffy voice): No.

“Not exactly, anyway,” Tara thought. “Buffy might still need a little convincing…” but since Tara happened to agree with Dawn’s wishes in this matter, she’d convince the Slayer that this was best. Nevertheless, Tara resolved to watch out for Dawn’s manipulation in the future.

Willow threw down her last handful of dust

Joel (Willow voice): Just say no to drugs.

 and the symbols all flashed brightly and disappeared.

Leaving the two witches outside, Dawn went into the shop. Anya was dusting something while Xander sat at the table reading.

Tom (Xander voice): Pete…and…Mary…have a…do-do-dog. The…dog’s naa-mmee is Spot. See…Spot..run…run Spot…run. Hey this reading stuff is hard!

“Hey. We on the case?” Dawn asked Xander.

Xander looked up at Dawn. “Yeah; right on top, perched, ready for action," he answered. He was only slightly nervous. Knowing that Buffy was planning on telling Dawn, and that he wouldn't have to hide things much longer, allowed him some measure composure. "You doing alright?" he asked, remaining relatively nonchalant.

Dawn was still gleeful at the prospect of learning magic. Though she'd never admit it to Buffy, she wanted to be a part of the Scoobies almost more than anything she could imagine. She also still had a slight crush on Xander- both of which made for a huge smile, “Better than alright! I’m spec-tac-ular” she answered, breaking the word into three distinct sounds.

Tom: No, no. Xander’s brain is working pretty well. It’s Willow you have to speak to slowly and clearly. Best to use simple words too.

Anya had a harder time than Xander. She was accustomed to speaking her mind, and had a difficult time censoring things. Tact was a concept very foreign to her.

Joel: At last, The Bear and one of his mutations have something in common!

 "You make a very pretty little girl!" she said, trying to be helpful.

Xander jumped up. His tension, which had been reasonably low, was instantly ratcheted up about ten notches with Anya's gaffe. With his eyes wide and his voice just a little too loud, he said, “Hey Anya, you wanna help me with that thing?”

Anya’s voice was also too loud, and she wore an overly large smile and her laugh sounded forced as she said, “Xander needs help with his thing!”

Tom: needs…help….

Crow: With his….

Joel: Riigghht… that’ll guarantee traumatized minds.

Dawn stared at them as they walked off. “Could they be more obvious?” she wondered. Xander was a terrible liar, and Anya was just terrible. She wondered what they were hiding from her now. She was almost pissed off, except that she was still jazzed about the possibility of learning magic. Plus, the Scoobies were always hiding stuff from her. “If I learn magic, I can be part of the team, and maybe they’ll stop keeping stuff from me!” she thought. She was sick and tired of being left out of stuff.

Just then, Giles and Buffy came out from the back.

Tom: Suddenly, at that moment, Buffy and Giles came out from the back!

Crow: Incredibly, in that split second, Buffy and Giles came out from the back!

Joel: Unbelievably, right then and there, Buffy and Giles came out from the back!

Giles was saying, “I'm not sure our regular workout is... challenging you any more. Perhaps we should make it harder.”

Joel: No Crow…just…just no.

 He paused a moment to make a note in a small book he was holding

Buffy took a long drink from the bottle of water she was holding,

Crow: Loadin’ up for future panty floodin’ I’d wager.

Tom: Allow me, Joel.

Joel: Go crazy.

Tom: CROW!

“You always think harder is better.

Tom: Just like The Bear.

Crow: He’s also very fond of that myth about bigger too.

Joel: It doesn’t hurt though.

Tom: The proportions mentioned earlier would.

Joel: True.

Maybe next time I patrol I should carry a load of bricks, use a stake made of butter,” she said sarcastically.

Giles rolled his eyes, “Yes, very amusing.”

They walked over to the counter, where Dawn was standing with her notebook lying open on the counter.

Joel: Because on the counter they had just walked too, being the counter, Dawn’s notebook lay open on the counter; the counter they, Buffy and Giles, had walked too.

Tom: The counter they had walked too on which Dawn’s notebook lay open on the counter?

Crow: Yes, that counter that was walked too.

Giles put his book down on the counter and said, “I'm sure Dawn feels that way about her schoolwork sometimes.”

Buffy asked, “That true? How was school today?”

Dawn wanted to wait until she had Tara for backup before bringing up the magic thing, so she just said, “Um, the usual. Big square building filled with boredom and despair.”

Tom (Buffy voice): That’s true, How was the fanfic today?

Joel (Dawn voice): Um, the usual. Big text document filled with boredom and despair.

Buffy smiled, saying “Just how I remember it.”

All: Too bad we do too!

Dawn’s innate curiosity made her want to see what Giles was writing. She surreptitiously watched as he closed his book, and slid it off the counter and out of sight.

Joel: Wow, innate and surreptitiously. Someone’s been stayin’ up late readin’ the thesaurus!

Buffy continued, “So, what's the homework sitch?”

Dawn rolled her eyes, “We have to imagine what we'll be like ten years from now and write a letter to our future self.

Crow (Dawn voice): Dear future self, if you see any large, fuzzy, roly-poly fanfic writers, shoot to kill.

 The teacher's clearly so out of ideas.” She noticed Giles closing a drawer behind the counter. Looking back at her sister, she asked, “Wanna help?”

Buffy said, “Sure, but a little later, ok? I have some stuff I have to do first.”

Dawn asked, “Is it about that weird girl that came to the house?”

Joel (Dawn voice): What do you have against Mary Kay cosmetics saleswomen anyway?

Tom (Buffy voice): They’re…they’re evil Dawn. Trust me on this.

Joel (Dawn voice): But Buffffyyy…I’m almost sixteen. Tell me the truth.

Tom (Buffy voice): Okay Dawnie, they…they…they test their products on baby seals.

Joel (Dawn voice): Kill them all, Buffy!

Buffy just stared at Dawn for a moment. She really, really, *really* didn’t want to have this discussion.

Crow: As opposed to really, really, *really*, <*really*>, not wanting to have this discussion?

Tom: Or really, really, *really*, <*really*>, -<*really*>- not wanting to have this discussion?

Joel: Or really, really, *really*, <*really*>, -<*really*>-, -=<*Really*>=-, -=<<*:REALLY:*>>=- not wanting to have this discussion?

Crow: Show off.

 But, she knew it was inevitable. “Glory. It’s called Glory, and despite how it looks, it isn’t a girl. It isn’t human.”

Tom: We knew that about Mary Kay saleswomen already, thanks.

Dawn was still surprised when Buffy actually answered her questions. Years of being blown off had made her expect it even still.

Joel (Dawn voice): Wow, uh…what’s two plus two?

Tom (Buffy voice): Dawnie, I really don’t think you’re ready…oh why not. Four.

Joel (Dawn voice): This is so cool! Uhm..uhm…what’s the capital of the United States?

Tom (Buffy voice): Washington D.C.

Joel (Dawn voice): Wow! You’re so smart!

Tom (Buffy voice): Aw, you’re not so bad yourself lil’sis. C’mere and gimmie a hug!

 “So, what’s her deal?” she asked, hoping this spirit of sharing would continue.

Buffy said, “Look, can we not talk about this right now?”

“I knew it wouldn’t last,” Dawn thought. “Like you'd tell me anyway. Dawn's too young and Dawn's too delicate,” she said, attempting a mocking characterization of Buffy’s voice.

Joel: But actually she more sounded like Don Knotts.

Buffy rolled her eyes, “God, she’s such a brat!” she thought. She did have to admit that her sister’d been better since Tara had made Buffy start sharing things with her. This, of course, meant that Dawn’s brattiness was partly Buffy’s fault- not something she was comfortable accepting. Out loud, she retorted, “Right. A young delicate pain in my butt.”

Dawn couldn’t stop herself from digging at her sister, “I just think you're freakin' out 'cause you have to fight someone prettier than you. That is the case, right?”

Joel: Ooooo…low blow.

Crow: Little sis is lookin’ to get killed. You don’t say things like that to a California Blonde and walk away.

Tom: Catfight! Catfight! Mrrrooowwwrrr! Hisssss!

Buffy had to mentally count to ten.

Joel (Buffy voice): Uh…one…..two…three….fiv..no four…five…six, twelve, three, two, ten. I’m so smart, yay me!

Dawn pushed her buttons like no one else.

Crow: Really? I thought it was Tara who really pushed her buttons.

She stepped closer to her and softly said, “Glory is evil. And powerful.” Reverting to her normal tone of voice, she added, “And in no way prettier than me!”

Dawn smirked, having successfully gotten a rise out of the Slayer. “I just think you're getting soft in your advanced age. She didn't look that tough to me.”

Buffy sighed, “We do need to talk about it, ok? Just not right now.”

Dawn crossed her arms under her chest and raised her eyebrow,

Tom (Spock voice): Live long and prosper.

 “When?” She fully expected that Buffy would conveniently forget this discussion, or become too busy, or *something* Anything to avoid sharing important information with herself.

Buffy closed her eyes and said, “Tonight.”

“Tonight’s your birthday party,” Dawn said. “Typical,” she thought “setting a time when she knows she’ll be busy…”

Buffy said, “After the party, I promise.”

Crow (Buffy voice): Unless of course I'm busy giving Willow another...injection!

Joel: Oh for crying out loud...let's just get the hell outta here.

***

*Reverse Door Sequence*

    Joel collapsed into a chair on the bridge of the Satellite of Love. 'Okay guys, honestly what you think of our first foray into Buffy-Fiction?'

    'We've forcibly been where no one would want to go before,' Crow snapped.

    'Gotta go with Crow, Joel,' Tom nodded. 'That fic was not a pretty thing to have to experience.

    Joel rested his head in his hands, staring at his robot buddies. 'Oh yeah?' He asked. 'How come?'

    Crow rolled his eyes. 'Well jee let me think. Okay first off,' the robot ticked off one finger. 'Honestly the spelling and grammar were not too bad. Sure there were some tense errors and other minor boo boo's but for the most part they were humorous at best.'

    Tom picked up the thread.  'That's no excuse though for the remaining ninety nine percent of the fic. Good presentation is swell, but on a paper plate crap is crap, and on a silver platter crap is crap.'

    Joel nodded thoughtfully. 'The biggest weakness was the intention. The author wasn't just trying to write a 'My Favorite Characters From My Favorite TV Show have Oodles of Funky Sex With Anything That Moves' Porn Without Plot fic.'

    Joel leaned back in his chair, lacing his finger behind his head and stared at the ceiling. 'The Bear was actually trying to write a story altering the characters to fit his vision but didn't want to do any of the work required to justify these changes; just waved his magic wand and decreed 'so mote it be'.

    'So he was lazy,' Crow said. 'Lazy and shallow. I could not believe this trip at some points. Okay, sure theres a Sub/Dom relationship going on here but the attitude Willow was sporting was just sick.' The robot shook his head. 'The actual character of Willow is a pretty cool one, the other two ladies have their own strengths and weaknesses but in this thing they were reduced to drooling idiots.'

    'I said they were cardbord cutouts,' Tom replied. 'What you thought I was kidding or something? What I want to know is what the hell was up with that twelve inch dildo.'

    'The twelve inch dildo concerns you somehow, Tom?' Crow asked politly.

    'Bite me,' Tom snapped back. 'No, the concern is why do people keep writing stuff like that? What is this obsession with massive penetration anyway? If you really want to write fics about long objects going deep why not write about a sword swallower or something. This entire fic screams 'Written By A Male'. And the problem with that is it does males a large diservice perpetuating this idea that we all go for stuff like that.'

    'Did The Bear write a story?' Joel asked.

    'Hell no,' Crow replied. 'He gutted a story, threw lots of sex in and set it on puree. He wrote a Porn Without Plot, and not even a GOOD Porn Without Plot.'

    'You're kidding right, Joel?' Tom echoed. 'He created a formula using typical, oft repeated catch-phrases to fill in the blank spots he came across where a REAL writer might actually use creativity. 'Cum', 'Orgasm', 'mistress', 'spanking', 'gasping' etc, etc. This isn't writing, it's regurigitation. Hell, the only parts of the story that don't involve sex he pretty much copies out of the original script with a few ad-libs here and there.'

    Joel muttered, 'The Bear is using the old cliche of Sex and Violence to lure the masses in. God, sucks me be the masses.'

    'So in conlusion?' Joel asked, still with his hands behind his head.

    'It sucked rocks,' Crow said.

    'People will love it,' Tom said.

    'They liked 'Dumb and Dumber,' Crow said.

    'God help us all,' Tom said.

    'Good night everybody!' Joel said.

    (You can hum the closing credit music if you want.)

Authors Notes: Thus concludes my first MST and, as far as I know, the first MST of any piece of B/W fanfiction. I really don't give a too much of a damn about what's posted on the lists these days, I delete most of em' unread. However someone sent me this lil' baby and, after I had recovered from falling out my chair backwards, lauging my skinny, white ass off, I had to agree with the person who sent it, it really, really sucks. So I had some time, had a fic that I thought could be...ahem...used and I had the impulse to try my hand at a MST. So here we go, you hold the end product in your hot little hands.

I remain, as always,

Mad-Hamlet