TITLE: The Many Faces of Evil and Stupidity.

SERIES: The Adventures of Lord Sam and Lady Brooke

AUTHOR: Jos Mous

Email: wotan_anubis@yahoo.com

DISCLAIMER: I own only a few of these characters. The rest are owned by the guys who own(ed) Popular, the guys from Square, the guys from Nintendo, the guys from Valkyrie Studios and the guys from White Wolf Productions. I’m sure none of these companies would be so mean as to sue me for the harmless, profitless fun I’m having with their characters.

PAIRINGS: Too much to mention here.

RATING: R, for language and a lot implications that, I am sure, will only be picked up by depraved figures with really dirty minds.

NOTE: My first script-style fic. I hope it doesn’t suck too badly.

NARRATOR: There are things everyone knows. One of these things, for example, is that vampires die if you ram a stake through their hearts. Everybody also knows that werewolves only change during full moon.

[Scene: Prince Jessica’s bedroom in the Palace, night.]
[Prince Jessica is sleeping.]

NARRATOR: Everybody also knows that in Western-European medieval fantasy worlds there are princesses.

[Enter somebody who we cannot see, except for his hand encased in a black, steel gauntlet. This figure is slowly walking towards the bed.]

NARRATOR: Everybody also knows that these princesses tend to get kidnapped by villains on a regular basis.

[We hear loud breathing, probably from the man with the gauntlet. He has reached the bed. Zoom in on Jessica’s face, still sound asleep. The gauntlet suddenly covers Jessica’s mouth. Jessica’s eyes fly open and we see she’s trying to scream, like all princesses do when somebody covers their mouths with a gauntlet.]
[Fade to black.]

THE ADVENTURES OF LORD SAM AND LADY BROOKE

Starring:

LORD SAM as the wise ruler of P’p’l’r.
LADY BROOKE as Lord Sam’s wife and co-ruler of P’p’l’r.
JULIAN as the great white dragon who terrorised P’p’l’r until she married Lily.
COURT MAGE CHERRY as the royal court mage of Lord Sam’s court.
SHIELDBEARER LILY as the girl who tamed Julian… in a way.
MESSENGER CARMEN as the royal messenger who has recently developed nyphomaniacal tendencies.
HARRISON JOHN as… err… some guy named Harrison John.
JANE as the leviathan who also happens to be Lord Sam’s mother (don’t ask).

Also Starring:

PRINCE JESSICA as the loving daughter of Lord Sam and Lady Brooke.
CASSANDRA as the loving daughter of Lily and Julian.
MISTY as an off-screen person who relieves some of Carmen’s stress.

Guest Starring:

CLOUD STRIFE as that guy from Final Fantasy VII with the blonde spiky hair and the huge sword.
CRONO as that guy from Chrono Trigger who never says anything and who carries a sword around.
LINK as the Hero of Time from the lands of Hyrule who smites his enemies with a sword.
MAYA as a Junker from Shell 2 who broke some important RPG Main Hero laws by A) being a girl and B) carrying around a machinegun as her main weapon and not a sword.

Special Appearances By:

SIR MORT and THE BLACK FAIRY

[Scene: A corridor in the Palace.]
[Lady Brooke is walking around hysterical, crying such things as ‘Oh my sweet baby’ and ‘Won’t somebody please help me’.]
[Enter Messenger Carmen, carrying a letter.]

CARMEN: My Lady, I have news!
BROOKE: What kind of news?
CARMEN: I don’t know. I haven’t read it yet.
BROOKE: Well, let me see it then.

[Carmen hands Brooke the letter.]
[Brooke reads the letter.]

BROOKE {relieved}: Oh, thank God. She’s just been kidnapped by some evil villain.
CARMEN {confused}: And that’s a good thing?
BROOKE: Jessica’s been kidnapped about twenty times already. She’ll know what to do.
CARMEN {still not comprehending}: Ah. Right.
BROOKE: Well, there’s just one thing we can do.

[Scene: Outside the palace.]
[Enter random guy, carrying sign.]
[Random guy puts sign in the ground.]
[Exit random guy.]
[Sign reads: ‘HEROES WANTED for BOLD AND DANGEROUS ADVENTURE. RISKS OF DYING AND SEVERE BODILY HARM. REWARD: THE KNOWLEDGE THAT JUSTICE HAS PREVAILED ONCE AGAIN.]

[Scene: A dungeon somewhere, including torches, stones and a rat infestation.]
[Jessica is here, looking unimpressed.]
[Enter Black Knight.]

BLACK KNIGHT: So, Prince Jessica, I hope you like your dungeon. You’re going to spend quite some time here.
JESSICA: Actually, I don’t really like it. From a professional point of view, I mean.
BLACK KNIGHT: Why? What do you mean?
JESSICA: Well, for one thing there are no torture implications here. I mean, most villains at least THREATENED me a little bit. And furthermore, why is there a comfortable bed with fluffy pillows in the corner?
BLACK KNIGHT {concerned}: You don’t like it?
JESSICA: That’s not the point. I’m supposed to be horrible and miserable and desperately waiting for some guy with a sword to come and rescue me. Fluffy pillows don’t go into that scenario.
BLACK KNIGHT: They don’t?
JESSICA: No!
BLACK KNIGHT: Should I have the bed removed then?
JESSICA: Well… yeah. You should just dump some smelly, old straw here for me to sleep on.
BLACK KNIGHT: Oh. OK.

[Black Knight walks over to the bed with the fluffy pillows and starts yanking it. The bed doesn’t move.]

JESSICA: What are you doing?
BLACK KNIGHT: Moving the bed. I mean, you said I should move the bed, right?
JESSICA: Don’t you have minions to do that for you?
BLACK KNIGHT: Minions?
JESSICA {exasperated}: The guy doesn’t have minions. I’ve been kidnapped by an amateur.
BLACK KNIGHT {insulted}: Hey, this is my first kidnap, you know. I’m new to this evil business.
JESSICA: Well, you should at least have followed a basic ‘Evil for Dummies’ course.
BLACK KNIGHT: There’s an ‘Evil for Dummies’ course?
JESSICA: Well of course there is! How else do you think how all those villains got to be really evil?
BLACK KNIGHT: I never really thought about it before.
JESSICA {shakes head}: Not just an amateur, he’s also an idiot. God help me.

[Scene: The Palace throne room]
[Lord Sam and Lady Brooke are sitting on their own thrones for once. Cassandra is lurking in a corner, probably contemplating the disadvantages of having a princess for a girlfriend.]

NARRATOR {feeling slightly redundant as he says this}: Meanwhile, back at the Palace.
SAM: I don’t get it. I mean, why should I send out heroes every single time our daughter gets kidnapped?
BROOKE: It’s tradition.
SAM: Well, it sucks. I mean, our Jessica went out on her own when Cassandra got kidnapped.
BROOKE: But she’s not a princess, dear.
SAM: She will be when they get married.
CASSANDRA {musing}: Trapped in a dungeon with Jess. I wonder if there will be shackles? And possible some whips…

*Beat as Sam and Brooke stare at the half-dragon*

CASSANDRA {blushing}: Hey, look, here come the heroes!

[Enter Cloud Strife, Crono, Link and Maya.]

CLOUD: We’re here to offer you our services.
SAM: I take it you will go forth and nobly rescue my daughter?
CLOUD: We will.
MAYA: Can I just ask one thing?
SAM: Go ahead.
MAYA: Why does everybody call your daughter PRINCE Jessica?
SAM {slightly taken aback by this unusual display of intelligence}: It’s… it’s a long story. Suffice to say, however, that most of the inhabitants in my kingdom aren’t exactly very bright.
BROOKE {quickly moving on}: Now then, may I know the names of these heroes?
CLOUD: I’m Cloud. Ex-Soldier, First Class. At least, I think I am. I could also be a failed clone of Sephiroth. I’m not too sure about that.
LINK: I am Link. Wielder of the Master Sword, Carrier of the Triforce of Courage, Hero of Time, Slayer of Ganondorf.
MAYA: I’m Maya. Leader of a bunch of unlikely heroes by accident. But what’re you gonna do?
BROOKE {pointing at Crono}: And who is he?
CRONO: …
CLOUD: This is Crono. I’ve just met him outside the gates and he never says a word.
SAM: How do you know his name if he never said anything?
CLOUD: Ah… well…
NARRATOR: It might be interesting to point out that what Lord Sam has just uncovered here is a Plot Hole. These vile things occur often in badly-written fics such as this one and are just as often ignored since filling them up is an almost impossible task. However, Cloud is now faced with one of these Holes. Will he be up to the task of covering it up?
CLOUD: You see… I… err…
SAM: Perhaps he had written down his name on a piece of paper and then shown it to you?
CLOUD: He doesn’t have any paper. And nothing to write with either. So… no.

*Collective groans from Lord Sam, Lady Brooke, Cassandra and Maya*

BROOKE: Perhaps Crono used sign language?
CLOUD: I don’t understand sign language.
NARRATOR: If anyone out there thinks that Cloud must be really stupid not to catch on to these transparent attempts to fill up the Plot Hole, they would be right. It is an almost universal law that guys who like to wave around with big swords are very stupid. And Cloud has a REALLY big sword. It is also said that all these big swords are meant to compensate for something. But for the sake of all the kiddies out there we’ll just assume that that is meant as compensation for a lack of brains. Anyway, during my tiresome monologue Cloud has managed to come up with an explanation.
CLOUD {proudly}: The skies opened up and angels appeared to write his name all across the sky.

*Beat*

SAM: Yeah, that’ll do. Now then, brave warriors, go out and find my lost daughter so you may return her to me and not get a dime for your efforts.
CLOUD: YEAH! We got the job!
MAYA {lacking any form of enthusiasm}: Oh, brother.

[Scene: The room of the Black Knight in the castle of the Black Knight. Obviously.]
[Black Knight is here, sitting is his luxurious chair, scheming things.]

BLACK KNIGHT: Hah! Lord Sam can send out his finest heroes. They will all fall prey to my diabolical schemes.
JESSICA: And what schemes may that be?

[Black Knight jumps in fright and turns around. Jessica is standing behind him (now in front of him), frowning.]

BLACK KNIGHT: How did you get out of your prison?
JESSICA: Well, let’s see… No guards, no traps, no locks and… oh yeah… my cell doesn’t even have a door. What kind of villain ARE you?
BLACK KNIGHT: Like I said, I’m new to all of this.
JESSICA: And besides, why did you refer to my mom as a ‘he’?
BLACK KNIGHT {confused}: Because Lord Sam is a man. Everybody knows that.
JESSICA: The same everybody who also thinks that I’m a guy as well?
BLACK KNIGHT: Exactly.
JESSICA: Then why did you kidnap me if you think I’m a prince and not a princess?
BLACK KNIGHT: Well… I… err…
NARRATOR: It was around this time that Lord Sam and her entire family STOPPED REVEALING ALL THE DAMN PLOT HOLES. This way, the evil Black Knight does not have to come up with a feasible explanation since his scenes so far have proven that he too probably has a really big sword.
JESSICA: So… what’s your plan anyway?
BLACK KNIGHT: Plan?
JESSICA: You do have a plan, right?
BLACK KNIGHT: Of course I have! Who do you think I am? Some sort of idiot?

*Beat*

BLACK KNIGHT: Anyway, what do you think my plan is going to be?
JESSICA: Well let’s see… Are you going to sacrifice me to your Dark Lord so that he will grant you immortality?
BLACK KNIGHT: I don’t have a Dark Lord.
JESSICA: I see. Well then, will you cast a spell on me so that I will become your bride and willing sex slave all at once? That one has been really popular with most of my kidnappers so far, you know.
BLACK KNIGHT: I don’t think I’m ready for that kind of commitment.
JESSICA: OK… How about holding me ransom for the crown of P’p’l’r? And then, after you have claimed the throne, you bring out my parents in front of you (beaten, humiliated, raped and dressed in rags). Then you will break your promise about keeping me safe by slowly slitting my throat in front of them so that they are covered by my blood. After which you will slowly torture my parents to death or you will let them live with the horrible knowledge that they failed to protect me and the entire kingdom.
BLACK KNIGHT {shocked}: Good God! What kind of sick person are you!?
JESSICA {shrugs}: If you’ve been kidnapped as often as I have you pick up a few things.
BLACK KNIGHT: Well… I’m… completely disgusted! How could you do that?
JESSICA: Hey, I’m not doing it. That’s your job!
BLACK KNIGHT: I’m not going to do THAT! All I wanted was a better job and a pay rise.
JESSICA: You want WHAT?
BLACK KNIGHT: A better job and a…
JESSICA: Yeah, I heard you the first time. Who ARE you anyway?
BLACK KNIGHT: Well… I…
JESSICA: You’re one of those guys who hang around my mom’s court, right?
BLACK KNIGHT: I’m not the lowly peon Harrison!!!

*Beat as the Black Knight and Jessica stare at each other*

BLACK KNIGHT {voice-over, his voice is a little distorted to indicate that he’s thinking this and not saying it}: Hah, she never suspected anything.
JESSICA: You’re HARRISON!?
BLACK KNIGHT/HARRISON {still thinking}: D’OH!!!

[Scene: A forest, somewhere]
[Cloud, Crono, Link and Maya are walking through the aforementioned forest.]

LINK: So the world you inhabit is constructed of seven individual layers, each with its own culture and inhabitants, and with a great controlling device at the heart of it?
MAYA: That’s about the gist of it, yes.
LINK: Utterly fascinating.
MAYA: Well, you can imagine how fascinated _I_ was after I found out that most worlds have only one Shell.
LINK: Yes, I suppose you would.
CRONO: …
CLOUD: Look there! It’s Sephiroth!
MAYA {sighing}: Cloud, that’s the shadow of a tree. Again.
CLOUD {viciously hacking away at the shadow}: Die, Sephiroth, die!
MAYA: This is going to be a very long journey.

[Scene: A blackened wasteland.]
[A knight in black armour is here, sitting atop a horse that’s so incredibly thin that you can almost see the bones. Next to him is a woman dressed entirely in black, riding a black horse.]

KNIGHT IN BLACK {pointing at a flock of crows}: Look.
WOMAN IN BLACK: Crows.
KNIGHT IN BLACK: Your helpers, unless I am much mistaken.
WOMAN IN BLACK: You are not mistaken, my love.
KNIGHT IN BLACK: Are they telling you something?
WOMAN IN BLACK: They always are. Now, however, all they seem to want from us is to follow them.
KNIGHT IN BLACK: Then follow them we shall.

[Exit knight in black and woman in black.]

[Scene: A room in the castle of the Black Knight who shall henceforth be known as Harrison (the Black Knight, not the castle).]
[Harrison is here, sitting in a school desk. Jessica is standing in front of a blackboard.]

JESSICA: OK, when I’m going to be rescued I don’t want my rescuers finding out that I simply could’ve walked out of here with no trouble whatsoever. So I’m gonna give you a few basic lessons on what it means to be evil.
HARRISON: Oh, goodie!
JESSICA {sharply}: Rule number one: Villains NEVER say ‘Oh goodie’.
HARRISON: Oh. How about ‘golly’?
JESSICA: Please stop talking now. Anyway, first things first. This castle. Where is it located? And if you tell me it’s somewhere in P’p’l’r I’m going to hit you with something.
HARRISON: It’s… it’s in that dismal and still unnamed neighbouring country of P’p’l’r, that at one time served as a cheap and transparent metaphor for a certain continent.
JESSICA: Well, at least you got one thing right.
HARRISON: I’m only here because it was the only vacant castle I could afford.

*Beat*

JESSICA: I wish you hadn’t told me that. Now then, is there anything dangerous around here? Outside the castle I mean?
HARRISON: There’s a dead forest to the south of here.
JESSICA: Hmmm… we could probably work with that. Provided the heroes come in from the south. Anything else?
HARRISON: Lots of open plains?
JESSICA: Dead forest it is. Now then, anything living in the dead forest?
HARRISON: Of course not! It’s dead!
JESSICA {sighing}: Ghosts? Wraiths? Zombies? Mutated squirrels? I mean, come on, a dead forest near a dark castle ALWAYS has something nasty in it.
HARRISON: It does? I should send a message to an exterminator at once! Don’t want anything creepy creeping around here.
JESSICA: Your an Evil Lord! You HAVE to have creepy things!
HARRISON: I do? But… why?
JESSICA: To kill all the heroes who are out to kill you!
HARRISON: What? Can’t we settle all this over a nice cup of tea?
JESSICA: AAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

[Scene: A forest. It’s the same forest as the last forest we’ve seen.]
[Cloud, Crono, Link and Maya are still walking through it.]

CLOUD: Hah! I’ve sure shown him.
MAYA {tired}: Yes, you have. That was very brave of you. Etceteras, etceteras.
CLOUD: But I couldn’t have done it without my big sword.
MAYA: Yeah, yeah.
LINK {whispering to Maya}: Is it just me, or does our good friend Cloud lack… how to put this…
MAYA: Any form of intelligence?
LINK: Yes.
MAYA: It’s not just you.
CLOUD: Did you see it Crono? I swatted his sword away like THIS (insert swinging motion here). And then I rammed it through him like THIS (insert stabbing motion here)…
CRONO: …
CLOUD: See guys? Crono’s speechless because of my heroic efforts.

*Beat as Link and Maya stare at him*

MAYA: I wish we would face some monsters now to take my mind of things.

[Enter 2 werewolves.]

MAYA: On second thought…
WEREWOLF1 {growling}: This is a great day.
WEREWOLF2 {also growling}: The Impergium starts anew!
MAYA {groaning}: Red Talons. Just perfect.
LINK {confused}: You understand these beings?
CLOUD: Who cares! They’ll die all the same if I stick the pointy end of my sword into them! I mean, if I defeated Sephiroth I can defeat them! Right, Crono!?
CRONO: …
MAYA: Hold it, sword-boy. {to werewolves} If the Impergium has been reinstated, why are you hunting us? We’re just strong heroes full of health. During the Impergium you guys only hunted the sick, weak, elderly and young.
WEREWOLF1: She’s right.
WEREWOLF2: Damn her logic.
CLOUD {not understanding werewolf-talk}: Haha! They are paralysed by the sight of my really big sword.
WEREWOLF1: On the other hand, the herd of humans might be better off without any stupid people as well.
MAYA: Oh, crap. Do any of you guys have any silver weapons?
CLOUD: Who needs silver weapons when we’ve got really big swords!
MAYA: Man, he just gets dumber every second. {to werewolves again} Hey… err… before you start imperging again or whatever… weren’t you guys the only ones who wanted to restart it anyway?
WEREWOLF1: If we start, the others will follow.
MAYA: I see… well then… I guess we should have to fight…
CLOUD: YAY! FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT!
MAYA {muttering}: Shut up Cloud.
WEREWOLF1: He’s brave.
WEREWOLF2: Stupid.
WEREWOLF1: But brave.
MAYA: Yeah, well, you know ho… OH MY GOD! {pointing behind the werewolves} ARE THOSE GLASS WALKERS TALKING TO BLACK SPIRAL DANCERS!?

[Both werewolves turn around. Crono, Link and Maya run away. Cloud also runs, but in the wrong the direction (meaning: towards the werewolves). Link grabs him and pulls him away before Cloud does anything stupid.]

LINK {running next to Maya}: How did you acquire all this information about werewolves?
MAYA: My best friend is a computer nerd.
LINK: A what?
MAYA: Somebody who knows stuff like that because he has no social life.
LINK: Ah.

[Scene: The castle of Harrison.]
[Harrison is here, along with Jessica who gets more annoyed every second.]

JESSICA: OK, one more time, you are…?
HARRISON: Harrison?
JESSICA: Wrong answer. You are EVIL, remember?
HARRISON: Of course I remember. I just thought you were asking about my name!
JESSICA: I already know your name!
HARRISON: Well, you also already know I’m evil, so why ask about that?

*Beat*

JESSICA: OK, you’re evil.
HARRISON: Darn tootin’.
JESSICA: I’ll ignore that. Now then, what is it you wanted again?
HARRISON: A promotion.
JESSICA: And you’re going to get that how?
HARRISON: By holding you hostage.
JESSICA: And all the heroes my mom is going to send at you. How will you deal with them?
HARRISON: Well… I…
JESSICA: Come on… what have I been telling you for the last HALF HOUR?
HARRISON: I politely ask them to leave?
JESSICA: No, you klutz! You attempt to kill them!
HARRISON: But that seems so… rude.
JESSICA: You’re evil! Attempting to kill heroes is what you do!
HARRISON: It is?
JESSICA: YES!
HARRISON: Boy, this evil business is harder than I thought.
JESSICA: And _how_ will you attempt to kill the heroes?
HARRISON: By… sending my minions after them.
JESSICA: You don’t have any minions.
HARRISON: Drat. I was hoping you’d forgot about that.
JESSICA: So, with no minions all you have to do is set some traps.
HARRISON: You mean, treat them like animals?
JESSICA: YES! EXACTLY!
HARRISON: But I like animals. I like taking care of them.
JESSICA: AAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHH!!!

[Fade to black]
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[End Commercials]

[Scene: A blackened wasteland.]
[Enter Cloud, Crono, Link and Maya.]

CLOUD {sulking}: I still don’t get why you wouldn’t let me attack those wolves.
MAYA: They were _werewolves_. You wouldn’t stand a chance against them.
CLOUD: I would too. Tell her Crono.
CRONO: …
CLOUD: See? Crono’s on my side.
LINK: How long until we reach the stronghold of our nefarious nemesis?
MAYA: It’s not far. Just beyond that dead forest over there.
CLOUD: Dead forest! Haha! This means ghosts, wraiths, zombies, mutated squirrels! I’ll give them a taste of my shiny pointy thing.
LINK: The lack of intelligence our friend Cloud is displaying does seem to grow with the passage of time.
MAYA: It must be all those Jenova cells messing with his brains.
LINK: Jenova?
CLOUD: Jenova? Sephiroth’s mother? Where’s Sephiroth!? Aha!

[Cloud runs away, sword drawn.]

MAYA {muttering}: He’s attacking a shadow again.
VOICE FROM BEHIND: Ahum…

[Everybody turns around, except for Cloud who’s still hacking away at yet another shadow.]
[Enter two humans.]

HUMAN1: Is any one of you Maya, by any chance?
MAYA: That would be me.
HUMAN1: And did you tell two Red Talons that there was a group of Glass Walkers dealing with some Black Spiral Dancers?
MAYA {groaning}: You’re Glass Walkers, aren’t you?
WEREWOLF1 {still in human form, though}: We are, yes. And your little lie has almost caused a war of extermination against our tribe.
MAYA: Look, I can explain.
WEREWOLF1: How fast can you explain? For you see, unlike our misguided brothers the Red Talons, we are not so easily fooled.
LINK: Maya…
MAYA: Yes?
LINK: Would it be a fair assessment of our situation if I gambled that we are most likely going to die a slow and horrible death any second now?
MAYA: That may be correct.
WEREWOLF1: Any last words?
MAYA: Cloud’s a Silver Fang!
WEREWOLF1: Who?

[Maya points at Cloud, who is still attacking a shadow.]

CLOUD: You won’t get away this time Sephiroth!
WEREWOLF1: He _does_ use archaic weaponry.
WEREWOLF2: And he does seem to have the mental instability most Silver Fangs have due to all that inbreeding.
WEREWOLF1: Still… he doesn’t look very leaderly.
MAYA: He wanted to take on those Red Talons single-handedly. Isn’t that the kind of bravery Silver Fangs are renowned for?
WEREWOLF1: Yes… But Garou do not attack Garou. At least, not any more. So he must not be Garou.
MAYA {muttering}: Aw, shit.
GAROU1: No, you have not convinced me.
MAYA: He hasn’t undergone First Change yet!
GAROU2: He hasn’t?
MAYA: No! So… he’s Kinfolk… and we’re keeping an eye on him at the moment. You know, just in case.
GAROU1: Why have you not told the Red Talons this?
MAYA: Well… err… would they stop attacking long enough to listen to a Bone Gnawer like me?
GAROU1: Good point. We will go now.

[Exit both Garou.]

LINK: Well done, Maya. It would seem that your quick wit has saved us once again.
MAYA: Don’t mention it.
LINK: However, I feel I must also point out that I did not understand half of that conversation.
MAYA: Well, it worked.
LINK: True. Shall we now proceed to the castle, then?
MAYA: Lead the way. Coming Crono?
CRONO: …

[Exit Crono, Link and Maya. Cloud hacks away at the shadow some more until her realises he’s alone. He then follows the group, Sephiroth completely forgotten. For the moment, that is.]

[Scene: Harrison’s castle.]
[Jessica is standing at the window, staring down. Harrison is also in the room.]

JESSICA: OK, the heroes are coming closer. {turning to Harrison} What do you do?
HARRISON: I capture them and throw them into my dungeon!
JESSICA: A dungeon with doors, right? Doors that are locked as soon as the heroes are inside so that they can’t get out, right?
HARRISON: I still think that’s a little impolite.
JESSICA {ignoring the comment}: And what do you do after you’ve thrown them into your dungeon?
HARRISON: I set into motion my diabolical master plan.
JESSICA: Exactly. And what was your diabolical master plan again?
HARRISON: I hold you ransom for a better job.
JESSICA: The OTHER diabolical master plan.
HARRISON: I… I… treat them nicely and give them soda and cookies for their trouble.
JESSICA: That’s not what we agreed, is it?
HARRISON {looking down like a shy schoolboy}: No.
JESSICA: So what did we agree again?
HARRISON: I torture them until they scream.
JESSICA: And…?
HARRISON: And then I kill them.
JESSICA: Very good.
HARRISON: But…
JESSICA {threateningly}: But…?
HARRISON: I don’t like being so mean to people!
JESSICA: You should’ve thought of that BEFORE you became evil.
HARRISON: Well, I don’t wanna be evil any more.
JESSICA: Oh no, mister. You did NOT kidnap me just to let me go again when you hit a little bump in the road.

*Sound of castle gates slamming shut*

JESSICA: OK, they’re inside. I’ll go back to my tower room, which -unlike my first dungeon cell- actually has doors, where I’ll lock myself up and play the helpless damsel in distress while you go out and BE EVIL. Get it?
HARRISON: Yeah, OK.

[Scene: The main hallway of Harrison’s castle.]
[Cloud, Crono, Link and Maya are here. They all have their swords drawn, except Maya who has her machinegun drawn.]
[Enter (a little hesitantly) Harrison.]

HARRISON {getting a grip on himself}: Welcome, brave heroes, to my castle.
MAYA {pointing her gun at Harrison}: Who are you?
HARRISON: I… err… I’m Harrison… the evil lord of this castle.
MAYA: OK, you release Jessica right now, or…
HARRISON: Or what?
MAYA: Just a sec. {to Cloud} Did I just see Sephiroth over there?
CLOUD: Sephiroth! Where? Where? Aha!

[Cloud runs off to, you guessed it, attack a shadow.]

MAYA {to Harrison again}: Or I’ll tell him _you_ are Sephiroth.
HARRISON: Ah… OK… uhm… excuse me for a moment…

[Scene: Jessica’s Tower Room.]
[Jessica is here, looking bored.]

*Sound of gentle knocking on the door.*

JESSICA: Enter, bold heroes, and save me from this dastardly villain.
VOICE FROM OTHER SIDE OF DOOR: It’s me, Harrison.
JESSICA: Oh. Well, come in then. It’s not like the door’s locked or anything.

[Enter Harrison.]

JESSICA: Now what?
HARRISON: Those heroes are being mean to me. I mean, that girl with the blue hair even threatened to hurt me.
JESSICA {tired}: And you know why she did that?
HARRISON: Because I’m evil?
JESSICA: Bingo. So what do you do now?
HARRISON: I… overwhelm them and lock them up?
JESSICA: You’re just one guy. There are four heroes out there. How do you think you’re going to overwhelm them?
HARRISON: I’m going to outsmart them! Nothing can beat my wit!

*Beat*

JESSICA: Yeah, you do that.
HARRISON: Hah! Those heroes won’t know what’s happened to them!
JESSICA: You know what? You might actually be right on that one.

[Scene: The Hallway.]
[Crono, Link and Maya are here. Cloud is also here and is not attacking shadows any more because you can use a joke just so many times.]

HARRISON: I have consulted with Jes… err… Jesorimanurwaopeg, my… err… Dark Lord… and… err…
MAYA {getting impatient}: And…?
HARRISON: And I just wanted to ask you to put your weapons away so that I won’t get hurt.
LINK: Maya! He’s trying to disarm us!
MAYA: And he probably has some cunning plan to do it, too.
CLOUD: I’ll skewer him before he can do that plan!
MAYA: I don’t know… No villain has ever looked THAT helpless.
LINK: You’re right. It can only be a ruse to lull us into a false sense of security before he strikes swiftly and without mercy.
MAYA: Man, this guy is good. I guess we only have one option, guys.

[Cloud, Crono, Link and Maya throw down their weapons.]

MAYA: OK, Harrison, you’ve won this battle.
HARRISON: I have? I… I mean… Of course I have. Because I’m evil. And you’re not. So, yeah, of course I won. So now I guess I’ll just take you to a dungeon cell.

[Scene: A dungeon cell.]
[Harrison, Cloud, Crono, Link and Maya are here.]

HARRISON: Enjoy your stay. It’s going to last a while.

[Exit Harrison.]

MAYA: Look.
LINK: No doors.
MAYA: He’s so good, he doesn’t even need doors to keep us prisoner.
LINK: It is fortunate that we surrendered in time, for I am sure that he would have struck us down if we had not.
CLOUD: Oh, come on! Can’t you see that he just a bumbling amateur!
MAYA {very much surprised}: Cloud? How come you just said something sensible?
CLOUD: I… don’t know. All I know is that I threw away something and that my mind started clearing up after that.
LINK: It was the really big sword.
MAYA: Yeah, they’ll do that to a person.
CLOUD: Anyway, we have to get out of here now so that we can…
MAYA: If you say ‘go and defeat Sephiroth’ I’ll kill you.
CLOUD: Sephiroth? He’s not even on this planet, let alone this dimension. No, I meant to say that we were going to kick some evil guy’s butt.
LINK: Methinks it is a sound plan.
CLOUD: Let’s go!

[Scene: Jessica’s Tower Room.]
[Jessica and Harrison are here. Harrison is excited, Jessica is not.]

HARRISON: You should’ve seen me, I was brilliant!
JESSICA {bored}: Were you now?
HARRISON: Oh yes. I strode down the staircase. My very presence made those heroes tremble. And then I laughed my special evil villain laughter. Well… let’s just say they wanted to surrender pretty badly after that.
JESSICA {still bored}: Did they now?
HARRISON: They sure did.
JESSICA: And what did you do then?
HARRISON: I locked them up in one of my dungeon cells! Without a bed with fluffy pillows, mind you.
JESSICA: And a door?
HARRISON: Yes, without a door as well… I mean… err…
JESSICA {sighing}: Moron.

[The door gets kicked in. Enter Cloud, Crono, Link and Maya. They all carry their weapons, except Cloud because he likes all this sudden thinking.]

HARRISON: Curses! How did you escape from my dungeon!
MAYA: There weren’t any doors.
JESSICA: Yeah, I’ve tried to tell him as well that doors are pretty much a necessity.
MAYA: You tried to help him?
JESSICA: Oh! Err… what I mean is…

[Jessica runs over to the heroes. To Maya in particular because everybody knows captured princesses always cling on to the best-looking hero.]

JESSICA: Save me, oh bold hero. Save me from this madman.
CLOUD: Oh, give it up. This whole thing was completely meaningless from the start.
JESSICA {sighing}: Yeah, I know. I just wish I could be kidnapped by a really competent villain for once. One that actually managed to take care of the heroes, you know?
LINK: But, will not evil reign if such a scenario were ever to occur?
JESSICA: You know my mom, right? Lord Sam? Renowned for her skills and all that. And, of course, also renowned for the fact that her mother is a huge sea serpent, that she has sort of befriended a dragon and even has an alliance with the dragons of the Rim Mountains? No, my friend, evil would not prevail. It would just be the heroes that kicked the bucket.
LINK: Then why send out a small group of heroes if Lord Sam could gather an invincible army in mere hours?
JESSICA {shrugs}: I dunno. Precedence I guess.
HARRISON {feeling ignored}: Hey, I’m still being evil here!
JESSICA: Oh, give it up. You suck as a villain. {to the group of heroes} Come on guys, let’s go.

[Exit Jessica, Cloud, Crono, Link and Maya.]

[Scene: Outside Harrison’s castle.]
[A knight black armour and a woman in black are here.]
[Enter Jessica, Cloud, Crono, Link and Maya.]

KNIGHT IN BLACK: It would seem we are already too late, my love.
WOMAN IN BLACK: The day has already been saved.
JESSICA {pleasantly surprised}: Mort? Is that you?
MORT (KNIGHT IN BLACK): Jessica, what a delight to see you again.
JESSICA: And I see you’ve hooked up with the Black Fairy.
MORT: It was inevitable, really.
JESSICA: Good for you two. But… what are you doing here?
THE BLACK FAIRY: The crows told us that a great evil was brewing here. We came here to investigate.

*Cloud, Link and Maya snicker. Crono would too, but he doesn’t produce any sound*

THE BLACK FAIRY: Is there something amusing about evil?
JESSICA: There is about this evil. The guy’s totally incompetent. It’s really nothing to worry about.
MORT: Are you sure?
JESSICA: Trust me. We have absolutely nothing to fear.

[Scene: Jessica’s Tower Room.]
[Zoom in on Harrison’s face.]
[Harrison looks pissed off and downright sinister.]

[Fade to black]