TITLE: Lord Sam; An Overview

SERIES: The Adventures of Lord Sam and Lady Brooke

AUTHOR: Jos Mous

Email: wotan_anubis@yahoo.com

Hello there, my name is Jos Mous and tonight I'm going to tell you about the Lord Sam series. You see, what I am about to post (or may have already posted) is the latest installment in this ongoing series. The Lord Sam series started about two years ago as a short story with 1 joke. After that, the series spun out of control, growing bigger and bigger, creating an entire universe of its own and giving me a platform to rant about religion, videogames and the general stupidity of mankind. Even though I've more or less stopped writing Popular fic (at least until I know how I'm going to continue "Shapes"), I still like to write the occasional Lord Sam story. About once every six months or so. Anyway, for everyone who has absolutely no idea what Lord Sam is all about (and would like to know), here's a not-so-quick summary of the series.

The Lands:

Like I said, the Lord Sam series takes place inside a universe of its own, on a world of its own. It even has its own map, drawn by none other than Snarlsnout. Anyway, here are the countries that form the scene of these stories.

P'p'l'r: The scene of most of the Lord Sam stories. P'p'l'r is the country over which Lord Sam rules and it's your typical medieval fantasy-style place. P'p'l'r is a lush place, filled with greenness and cities with a surprisingly low crime rate. In spite of this, most P'p'l'rarians are not very happy with their lot in life. But, then again, most P'p'l'rarians are really stupid.

Dunc: Beginning life simply as "the dismal unnamed neighbouring country", Dunc is the country lying at P'p'l'r's eastern borders. Dunc isn't as bright and cheerful as P'p'l'r. In fact, it's pretty much a dead wasteland filled with monsters, black magic, and general evil people. Dunc, however, does not appear to have any ambitions to conquer P'p'l'r. Mostly, because all the Evil Overlords are too busy bickering amongst themselves to do anything truly destructive.

Corneria: I vaguely regret introducing this country into the Lord Sam continuum, because it's a videogame reference and a rather permanent one at that (even though it's only been mentioned in just one story). Corneria lies far to the west of P'p'l'r, at the other side of the Novak Sea. Not much is known about Corneria except that it is inhabited by anthropomorphic creatures of all shapes and sizes.

Nail Island: A very small island, lying somewhere in an unknown ocean far, far, far to the south of P'p'l'r, absolutely nothing is known about Nail Island, except that the inhabitants have a Sun God who isn't very bright and who likes giving ten-year old girls to heroes so that said heroes may raise them properly.

Interesting Places and Landmarks:

The Novak Sea: The Novak Sea forms P'p'l'r's western border and is pretty much your average ocean. The life in this ocean consists, amongst others, of red herring, disco-coloured jellyfish (which taste great) and Jane the leviathan.

The Kennedy Mountains: Once upon a time, the Kennedy Mountains formed P'p'l'r's eastern border. But that was in the time that on the other side of the border lay the Kingdom of Bl'nde Cheerl'd'r's. However, the Kingdom of Bl'nde Cheerl'd'r's quickly merged with the rest of P'p'l'r due to the marriage of Lord Sam and Lady Brooke and, as such, no longer exists. The Kennedy mountains are now located at the centre of P'p'l'r (more or less). They are fairly easy to pass and inhabited by countless hermits and (until recently) the vile dragon Julian.

The Rim Mountains: Located in the south-east of Dunc, the Rim Mountains are high, covered in snow and difficult to pass through. No Evil Overlords resides in these mountains, because the insides of this particular mountain range is inhabited by dragons and gargoyles. The only other thing of note in these mountains is the now-empty tower where the fairy godmothers used to live. Hanging in the skies above the Rim Mountains is the Shrine, rumoured to be the place where the great Goddess Cassandra was born.

The Palace: This is the residence of Lord Sam and Lady Brooke and from this place P'p'l'r is ruled. The Palace is really a big castle with no tangible layout, since I continuously add bits to it if the story so requires it. Fixed places in the Palace, however, are the courtyard, the throne room, the bedroom of Lord Sam and Lady Brooke, the bedroom of Prince Jessica and Cassandra, Julian's lair and Court Mage Cherry's tower.

The Northern Forest: It's a forest and it's in the north of P'p'l'r. The only things of note in this forest is that it is here that High Priestess Angelina leads her congregation and it is also here that the Wildcat tribe has moved into as their new home.

So, with all the boring topographical stuff out of the way, on to the more interesting question of how the cast of Popular fits into all of this.

The Cast:

Lord Sam: Take Samantha McPherson, dress her up in armour, put her in charge of a fantasy type country and let everyone believe that she's really a guy. Who do you have? Lord Sam. Lord Sam is the kind and benevolent ruler of P'p'l'r, although this tends to piss her off mightily since most P'p'l'rarians are idiots. She is happily married to Lady Brooke and, through certain plot hole mechanics, even has a daughter with the name of Jessica.

Lady Brooke: Former ruler of the Kingdom of Bl'nde Cheerl'd'r's, Lady Brooke fled the country because she was getting fed up with all the barbarian heroes wanting to marry her. She fled, in fact, to the lair of the vile dragon Julian, where she was later sort of rescued by Lord Sam. Due to forces beyond their own control, Lady Brooke got married to Lord Sam, which pissed her off mightily until Lord Sam took off her armour and revealed herself to be a girl. Lady Brooke shares Lord Sam's view on the intelligence level of the P'p'l'rarian populace.

Harrison: Formerly known as the lowly peon Harrison, Harrison used to be one of Lord Sam's servants and was a clear example of the P'p'l'rarian stupidity when it comes Lord Sam's gender. In this, Harrison had a very thankless role. He has since moved to Dunc, where he has become the Dark Knight Harrison, although his skills at evil leave something to be desired.

Court Mage Cherry: Wherever she is, Mary Cherry remains Mary Cherry. She is the royal court mage at Lord Sam's court and Lord Sam often wonders why this is, exactly. Court Mage Cherry's skill at magic cannot be denied, however, although she rarely applies these skills to something useful. In an interesting twist from the rest of the female cast, Court Mage Cherry is actually bisexual.

Shieldbearer Lily: Lord Sam's personal shieldbearer, Lily is an optimistic if somewhat naive girl full of ideals. She once had a dream of becoming a knight and, in order to earn this knighthood, set out to slay the vile dragon Julian. Instead of slaying Julian, however, Lily ended up marrying her. Not only that, but through an even bigger plot hole than the one culminating in Jessica, shieldbearer Lily gave birth to the half-dragon/half-human hybrid Cassandra.

Messenger Carmen: Slightly dim-witted, messenger Carmen is Lord Sam's messenger and even a hero on occasion. However, ever since she started a relationship with a girl named Misty, Carmen has spent far more time having sex than she has doing pretty much anything else. It is therefore likely that messenger Carmen is a great deal thinner than the "canon" Carmen.

The vile dragon Julian: As the name implies, Nicole Julian got transformed into the vile dragon Julian, a great and terrible white dragon with eyes red as blood that used to reside in the Kennedy Mountains. Julian often went flying to small hamlets at night, not to set fire to them, but to viscously insult the peasantry. Now that she is married to Lily, however, Julian has mellowed down somewhat and has constructed a lair right next to the Palace. This has earned Lord Sam a lot of complaints from the psychiatric community since all those emotionally scarred peasants used to make quite a lot of money for them.

Jane the Leviathan: Jane is Lord Sam's mother and in this she doesn't differ from the character on the show too much. Well, except that she's a huge, scaly, snake-like, ocean-dwelling sea-creature. In an unexpected twist, the story of how a leviathan could give birth to a human is explained in "From the Book of Cassandra" and did not come about via a hole in the plot.

Josh and Sugar Daddy: Having almost zero fic-time, Josh and Sugar Daddy are guards at the Palace. They have never really done anything, but at least they also never had to wear red shirts and be called "Ensign".

Priest Glass: Lord Sam's personal priest, Priest Glass's role diminished significantly once Cassandraism really took off. Priest Glass is also in charge of drilling the troops and is Prince Jessica's private teacher.

Mike: This is Lord Sam's horse. Whether he really is based on the Mike as seen in the show remains an eternal question mark.

As you may have gathered already, there are a lot of original characters walking around in the Lord Sam universe. These are some of the more important ones:

Prince Jessica: The daughter of Lord Sam and Lady Brooke, Prince Jessica is the heir to the throne of P'p'l'r and because of that shares Lord Sam's difficulties with the recognition of her gender by the common folk. When she was born, several fairy godmothers bestowed upon the young prince the gift of such good looks that all girls would swoon before her, the gift of an analytical mind and a knack for difficult mathematical problems, the gift of communication with nature and the gift of not permanently losing the one she truly loves. Since I pay absolutely no attention to the rules of time Prince Jessica is currently 17 years old, while both her mothers are 23.

Cassandra: The offspring of Lily and Julian, Cassandra has a fairly human body, jet black hair, blood red eyes, a tail, a pair of wings and an assortment of white scales in various strategic places on her body. Cassandra is, perhaps, a day or two older than Prince Jessica and, this still being a slash series at heart, just so happens to be Prince Jessica's girlfriend.

Sir Mort: Sir Mort is very, very dead. He is a skeleton riding a skeleton horse wearing a black suit of armour (he wears the armour, not the horse). Sir Mort used to be a follower of a very misogynous God and was refused entry into the afterlife because he liked tea so much. After spending a few hundred years as a tortured soul, Sir Mort eventually performed enough heroics to be allowed access into the afterlife. Which he promptly left again because he discovered that the afterlife of a very misogynous God sucks beyond the telling of it. Sir Mort now happily rides all over the place, looking for adventure wherever he can and with the Black Fairy at his side.

The Black Fairy: When Prince Jessica received all those fairy gifts, there had to be one to curse her with something or the other. The role of evil fairy had to be performed, of course, by the one who looks good in black, the Black Fairy. As it turns out, the Black Fairy was the only one of the entire lot with a modicum of common sense. The Black Fairy has left the fairy-ing business and now rides the lands with Sir Mort at her side.

Misty: Not an original character, Misty remained in the Lord Sam universe after a cross-over with Pokémon. Misty's role in any story is simply to have lots of sex with Carmen.

And now for some minor characters who may or may not pop up again in theoretical future instalments.

High Priestess Angelina: The first High Priestess of Cassandraism, Angelina was at first a kind of a gift for a fellow author. Angelina remains the High Priestess to this very day, leading a small congregation in the Northern Forest.

Pope Carly: Pope Carly is the undisputed leader of the One True Church of Cassandra. Unfortunately, there seem to be a lot of One True Churches of Cassandra around the place and Pope Carly would very much like Lord Sam to help her with eradicating all those other false churches. While Pope Carly doesn't like the followers of the other Cassandrian churches, she really hates High Priestess Angelina with a burning passion. Possibly because she damn well knows that Angelina is, what one might call, a true follower of Cassandra.

The Crystal Queen: The dragons of the Rim Mountains come in only one shape and size: big. They do, however, come in a variety of colours. These colours somehow indicate a dragon's abilities. Crystal dragons are clairvoyant and so, of course, is the Crystal Queen. The Crystal Queen is the current ruler of the dragons and gargoyles living inside the Rim Mountains and under her rule the fighting between all the dragons has stopped.

Adair: Adair is a gargoyle and, as such, one of the Crystal Queen's subjects. Gargoyles and dragons are, in fact, the exact same species. Dragons, however, are the Rim Mountain nobility, while the gargoyles are the common folk. Adair works as an overseer in the Hatchery, which is the only place where dragons and gargoyles are truly equal on account of being inside an egg shell sitting in a pool of lava,waiting to, well, hatch.

Avin: Avin is a small-minded, spiteful little man who strongly believes that he should be important. He isn't important, however, and he blames this on dragons. Especially the dragons "infesting" Lord Sam's court. After a series of events that almost caused the end of the world, Avin was appointed governor of Northern Province. In this position, Avin has no kind of power since he has to do everything Lord Sam tells him to do, but the people there still blame him for everything that goes wrong.

Deborah: Deborah is young girl of ten years old given to Jessica to raise by Nail Island's Sun God. Deborah turned out to be a cheerful girl who felt it was very important for her to work very hard. After spending a very short time in the Palace, Deborah managed to become a great sorceress. She now lives amongst the Wildcats, teaching them the ways of magic. Deborah has no romantic interests since she's just ten years old. When she does start dating someone, it is highly likely that this someone is female. And feline.

Shawl: Leader of the Wildcat tribe. Shawl is simple, straightforward and a vicious fighter. She admires such qualities as bravery and honour and is a good loser. You won't find her sulking in some corner after someone whooped her ass in a fight.

And now, finally, an explanation of the term "Cassandraism" which has already popped up here and there. Cassandraism is the dominant religion of P'p'l'r, but because of the efforts of such people as the Prophet Michael (also known as the Orthodox Prophet Michael, the Reformed Prophet Michael, the Eternal Prophet Michael, the. you get the point) the Cassandrian faith underwent so many schisms that it eventually culminated in Pope Carly and her One True Church. But while all the different sects may have different opinions on such important matters like the proper shape of biscuits, they do agree on more futile matters like the makeup of the pantheon. All of the Goddesses herein happen to resemble certain mortals, because they are those mortals. And even though the power of belief has given these mortals god-like powers, only when the are in the Shrine above the Rim Mountains are they truly the Gods.

Cassandra: The Eternal Goddess, Cassandra is the first amongst the Gods, most wise and benevolent of all. Child of the Universe Dragon Julian and the Earth Mother Lily, Cassandra is the most powerful Goddess of them all.

Jessica: Jessica's primary role in the Cassandrian pantheon is to be Cassandra's mate. Child of the sun and the moon, Jessica's powers aren't quite as big as Cassandra's, but she doesn't really mind.

Julian: In the beginning, there were only two beings. One of them was the Universe Dragon Julian. Cold, harsh and uncaring, the Universe Dragon nevertheless had an intimate contact with the only other being in the universe: Lily the Earth Mother.

Lily: In the beginning, there were only two beings. The other one was the Earth Mother Lily. Composed, caring and with a much greater sense of right and wrong, it was she who eventually gave birth to the Goddess Cassandra.

Sam: When Cassandra was born, the universe was dark. This didn't please Cassandra, so she created the Sun, who called herself Sam. But Sam was much too bright for Cassandra's eyes and the Goddess sent the sun away across the horizon. Sam agreed, but, being the stubborn girl that she is, decided that she would appear again over the other horizon.

Brooke: In a second attempt to make light, Cassandra created the stars and the moon. The Moon ended up calling herself Brooke and she ended up falling in love with Sam and Sam with her. This, however, was problematic, since the Sun and the Moon are always at opposite sides of the planet. Cassandra fixed this tragic love simply by causing eclipses. Whenever the paths of the sun and the moon cross it means that they are. together, so to speak, which eventually culminated in the birth of Jessica. Also, for some reason that may be entirely unrelated, there are often eclipses in the land of P'p'l'r that coincide with the times that Lord Sam and Lady Brooke are alone in a bedroom together.

Mort: God of Death, Mort was introduced into the pantheon when Cassandra learned that priests started proclaiming left and right that heterosexuality was an abomination in the eyes of the Goddesses. After all, the entire Cassandrian pantheon was made up of lesbians, so naturally homosexuality was the One True Lifestyle.

The Black Fairy: The Black Fairy does not yet have a well-defined role in the Cassandrian religion. She is mostly there to prove that heterosexuality is not a sin.

So that, as they say, is that. A rough five pages on a subject that started out as a poor joke. I hope I didn't bore any of you too much. After all, if I really wanted to, I  could also have mentioned such things as Mr. Binxby, the Golden Dao Inn, Michael the true believer (not to be confused with the Prophet Michael), Simon Fergusson and the Mighty Magic Power Fairies (also known as the Deus Ex Machinas).