CAGED

Before I start, I would like to thank a few people. First of all, Alan for taking over the subtext corner while I was away and for providing me with references to American culture that I would have missed otherwise. Also I want to thank Angelina for already writing a review of this episode so long ago when she was still active on this group. I'll be stealing a few things out of her review, I hope she doesn't mind. And if she does, she'll have to let me know.

We start in the Palace. Sam and Brooke are having breakfast together and are talking about the horrors of PMS. They're acting kind, civil and friendly to each other. But, then again, they always do unless the writers go out of their to set them up against each other. Anyway, because she's having her period Sam had gone out and bought a bottle of Lady Time, some herbal remedy that'll make it all fly by much easier. She has only bought one bottle of the stuff, but she wants Brooke to have it all the same. The blonde accepts it of course, with a big smile. The two of them then start talking about how tensions between their two groups have reached an all time high. Brooke says:

"Seems like until recently we stirred things up and they just followed our hideous examples."

Please note the UNTIL RECENTLY here. It could very well be a sign that after the fiasco at the Sadie Hawkins dance where both Brooke and Sam were very much let down by their respective dates have finally decided to give it another go. And this could very well be since Sam thinks that she and Brooke should inform the rest of their friends that it is "the dawning of a new era". Personally, I hope that this is the dawning of the on-screen Sam/Brooke era.
Anyway, as Sam sits down to Brooke the two of them agree that, with just a little bit of effort there should be no trouble getting their two groups to get along with each other.

12 Hours Later

What's happened, we don't quite now. What we do now is that Lily is screaming and attacks Mary Cherry, trying to strangle the Texan. Brooke steps in and pulls Lily off the blonde. She then tells everyone to take another Lady Time to calm down. Unfortunately, Sam discovers that the bottle is empty and claims that Brooke has eaten it all. Brooke freaks and she and Sam end up in a vicious hairpulling contest. Lily panics, saying that they're running out of food, oxygen and are basically going to die. Mary Cherry joins the panicking and agrees that they're about to die. Meanwhile, Brooke and Sam are still fighting. Well, that or they've been watching too much Star Trek and have decided that doing it Klingon-style won't arouse suspicion.
"But wait!" I hear you say. "What's going on here?"
For that we'll have to wait until the credits are over.

9 Hours Earlier

We're at Kennedy High in Feminist Literature class. The only people here are Mary Cherry, Lily, Brooke, Sam, Nicole and Carmen, sitting next to each other in that order. The teacher on duty is a Mr. Bennett. Today's topic is "The Scarlet Letter". You know, that book where this one Puritan girl named Hester has to wear a great big A of Adultery on her chest to show the rest of the village that she has been committing adultery.
Meanwhile, Nicole and Carmen and Mary Cherry and Lily are all being unpleasant to each. Sam and Brooke exchange fairly desperate glances. Guess that the merging of their groups isn't going to be as easy as they thought.
As Mr. Bennett talks about wanting his students to envision themselves in Hester's place, Sam quite literally does so. I guess she's already taken one Lady Time too many because she sees herself in a Puritan outfit with one great big red A on the chest. Sam quickly rids herself of it, however. After all, if it doesn't involve Brooke, an absence of clothes and possibly some chocolate body paint, she isn't interested.
Or is there something deeper going on here? Has Sam really committed adultery? But how could she do that? She's not dating anyone at the moment, right?
Anyway, Mr. Bennett talks a bit about how you shouldn't keep secrets. About how secrets can, eventually, destroy you. He knows this from experience. He's been hiding in the closet for years and was miserable, then came out and is happy. At this point, Mary Cherry has an important contribution to make:

"Mr. Bennett, let me just say, on the record, that I love the gays."

Are we surprised by this personal revelation of Mary Cherry? Well, I wasn't. But at least it goes to show that when Sam and Brooke come out, they can probably count on Mary Cherry's support.
So, to conclude this class, Mr. Bennett wants to distil the lesson that the Truth is the only real Freedom in his students and to do that, they all have to write down their deepest, darkest secret on a piece of paper and then throw said piece of paper in the litter. Now, in the scene where Mr. Bennett starts handing out the paper, we see Brooke scribbling something on a piece of paper belonging to Sam while the two of them are having a hushed conversation. I don't know what Brooke was writing or what they were talking about, but it sure as Hell was about something fairly intimate.
After class, Nicole sneaks back in and steals the pieces of paper.

We're at Carmen's locker. Carmen and Lily are here along with Harrison. Lily tells Carmen how much she hates Mary Cherry. Carmen tells Lily how much she hates Nicole. Lily then has a violent case of cramps and instinctively reaches out to Carmen for support. Carmen then makes the following announcement:

"I hate men."

Harrison then zones out and the Y-chromosome part of him, the one that has no idea how menstruating really works, takes over and imagines Lily and Carmen as two evil fiends of the damned who snarl at him.
Then suddenly the mood changes and Lily and Carmen are all smiles and very friendly.
Harrison is confused and decides that he needs to hang out with guys more often.

Meanwhile, at one of the blonde lockers Nicole and Mary Cherry are talking about breast tenderness. Josh and Sugar Daddy are puzzled as they watch this exchange. Nicole notices the two of them staring and makes a standard "What are you looking at?" comment. Josh tries to come up with a good thing to say and says:

"Nothing. Just existing."

This answer doesn't satisfy the blondes, but then again, I have a feeling that there really was no right answer. Before Nicole and Mary Cherry attack Josh, however, our favourite Texan notices that Sugar Daddy smells of chocolate. This, apparently, is enough to put Mary Cherry in a world of torment. She breaks out in tears and needs to be comforted by Nicole who's mad at the boys for making her girl so upset. Then Mary Cherry is over it and Sugar Daddy and Josh have their own "our female friends are really incarnations of the devil" moment.
At that point, Carmen and Lily walk past. The blondes and the brunettes growl and snarl at each other like a couple of jaguars fighting over territory. When the brunettes have gone, Nicole and Mary Cherry are suddenly a pair of happy campers and leave.
Sugar Daddy and Josh believe that their friends have gone nuts.

It's lunch time and Harrison wants to sit down with Josh and Sugar Daddy since all his friends are "greeting Aunt Flo" which, I have been told, is a euphemism for menstruation. Sugar Daddy tells the guys that in ancient times, Native American women had to live outside the village during their period and thinks that this is a custom that should be reinstated. Of course, the Native Americans (and the Africans and the Europeans and the Asians and probably the Australians as well) had a good excuse for this oppressive behaviour. They just went to the woman and said "While you're having your period you are impure and the Gods frown upon you. It is therefore for the good of the tribe if you went away for a while." Unfortunately, Sugar Daddy's main reason seems to be: "Well, you see, we're kind of frightened of you when you're like this and, well, maybe it's best if you'd, you know, go on vacation for a while or something."
Anyway, Sam and Brooke show up, asking if Sugar Daddy would be so kind as to repeat what he just said. Sugar Daddy is smart enough to shut up. It's also fun to point out that Sam is carrying an entire tray stacked with food and that Brooke has a single orange. The two girls sit down at the table and Sam wants to know why Harrison is sitting with Josh and Sugar Daddy. Apparently, Sam has momentarily forgotten the fact that she's also not hanging out with her own group, but is completely draped around Brooke. Then again, Sam and Brooke are pretty much in love, so to Sam, hanging out with Brooke is completely natural and not the cause to ask some questions.
Anyway, Brooke has the serious suspicion that just because they're having their periods they can't behave like rational human beings. She and Sam agree to prove them wrong.
Guess how long it takes before the crap starts flying?
Well, not very long, because Brooke sees that Sam is wearing one of her bracelets. The blonde gets really mad when she points this out. Sam looks apologetic, is about to say she's sorry and is moving to remove the bracelet and give it back when Brooke insults Sam with something she has read in the brunette's diary. Sam is shocked that Brooke is so unscrupulous that she would read her diary. Then she insults Brooke on something she has read in the blonde's diary.
Bit of a pot and kettle situation here then.
The other girls (both blonde and brunette) arrive and sit down. A few insult fly to and from and when lily accuses Mary Cherry of being a fur-wearing freak the blonde responds with:

"Lil Lily, I'd be glad to stop wearing anally electrocuted mink if only you'd be so kind as to skin your legs and present them to me as a gift."

While the thought of Mary Cherry wearing a coat of Lily's hair is rather icky, it does go to show that Mary Cherry secretly cares for the Latina.
More insults ensue and soon Carmen slaps Nicole. Nicole then slaps Carmen. Lily slaps Mary Cherry. Mary Cherry announces an after-school rumble. By now, all the girls are standing.

"We've been waiting for this day since the beginning, huh sister?"

That was Brooke, by the way, calling Sam by a rather incestuous nickname. But then again, Sam has already called Brooke "sis" earlier in the episode, so it's probably an obscure McQueen/McPherson thing. I guess Brooke's really looking forward to getting physical with Sam. Sam, however, wants to get physical a lot sooner so she tries to taunt Brooke into pinning her to the floor with the words:

"I bet you fight like a girl."

This seems to do the trick. Unfortunately, Brooke is restrained by Nicole, so the excessive groping will have to wait. Sam tries to provoke Brooke into breaking free by making standard "come and get me" gestures at breast height. However, everyone calms down sufficiently in order to leave the table. Brooke's parting words to Sam are:

"I'm gonna get you."

My guess would be that Sam is planning to hold Brooke to that promise. The boys, meanwhile, have been watching the exchange with ever-increasing horror and dread and are now very worried for the wellbeing of their friends.

The worried threesome heads to the Biology classroom where they ask Ms. Glass about what girls are capable of during their period. Ms. Glass, however, decides that the truth will help the boys far more than a little white lie and responds with:

"Yes, they're capable of murder and other acts of unspeakable horror. Next question."

To make the boys even more worried she lends them a tape recording of Madagascar fire ants. The female half of these ants all ovulate at the exact same time and then start tearing each other apart.
The boys decide that they have to do something to prevent bloodshed.

For the special 3 PM parking lot smackdown, Mary Cherry has prepared pink leather jackets. On the back of these jackets there stands the words "Chola 1", "Chola 2" and "Chola 3". My excellent source Alan informs me that "Chola" is a word for Hispanic girls who are members of a gang. Brooke is, of course, Chola 1, Nicole is number 2 and Mary Cherry has put herself in third place. Brooke proclaims that "she's all out of talk". Translated this might very well mean that she's dying to get physical with Sam.
The brunettes do not have matching leather jackets and even if they did, Lily wouldn't wear one anyway. So instead, Sam gives a small speech about how they're going to overthrow those in power.

"Those bitches are goin' down."

Well, Sam hopes at least one of them will at some point (to quote Angelina).
What follows are several shots in slow motion of the two groups walking down the corridor and looking intimidating. The brunette parade is stopped, however, when Harrison valiantly throws himself into their path. He informs the brunettes that the blondes have waved the white flag and are waiting in the Novak to apologise.
The brunettes believe him.

The blondes are already in the Novak when the brunettes arrive. They too are waiting for an apology. Are we all very surprised when we hear that neither side is willing to apologise? Anyway, the girls are all horribly embarrassed when they figure out that they have been outwitted by Josh, Harrison and Sugar Daddy.
Brooke, however, isn't going let that stand in the way of her planned romp with Sam.

"What do you say, Sammy? You up for a little parking lot payback?"

What's this I hear? Does Brooke owe Sam something? Is Brooke not only driven by a need, but also with a sort of obligation? What HAVE those girls been doing lately?
Before Sam has a chance to respond, however, there is the terrifying sound of a key being turned in a lock. Sam walks up to the door and, after a few attempts to open it, announces that it's locked. Brooke doesn't believe her and goes try it out for herself. She is noble enough to admit that Sam was right and that the door is indeed locked. Nicole has a go at opening the door by threatening Josh and Sugar Daddy, who are listening at the other side of the door and are now quietly sneaking away. Carmen then walks up to it to beg Harrison to open the door. Mary Cherry makes one last attempt at opening it before she announces what the others are fearing:

"Oh mah Gawd, y'all! We're CAGED!"

It's somewhat later and we discover that all cell phones available have run out of batteries. How convenient. Nicole isn't looking forward to spending a lot of time here, since hanging out with unpopulars for so long is bound to harm her social standing. Carmen then insults Nicole that the blonde probably has silicon implants. Brooke decided to check this out for herself and is appreciative of what she sees. If I were Sam, I'd be mad at her for sneaking a peek at Nicole's breasts like that.
Then Lily starts to panic about the fact that they're running out oxygen. I find this pretty ridiculous. Surely the school has something resembling a ventilation system or something. Carmen starts panicking as well and then starts hyperventilating. If there really is a limited supply of oxygen, this isn't exactly a smart move, but the fact that she's panicking is probably a mitigating circumstance. During the panic, Brooke is the only one who manages to keep her wits about her, but nobody listens to her since they're having too much fun panicking. Mary Cherry brings up the far more important question of food. She fears that their current problems may very well reduce them to a horde of hungry cannibals. Nicole says that the only way she's going to eat one of those "Birkenstock-wearers" is with a lot of Tabasco. Alan once again came through for me and told me that, for some reason, Birkenstock is a brand of shoes favoured by lesbians. Yet another hint of the writers here.
Meanwhile, Mary Cherry has produced a bottle of Tabasco and is staring intently at Carmen. Carmen freaks and starts whining like a little puppy that has just been kicked. Brooke manages to calm her down by saying that nobody is going to eat anyone and wants to know if anyone has brought any canned food.
Yeah, like we all take canned food to school with us. Brilliant, Brooke, just brilliant.
As it turns out, Lily doesn't have any canned food, but she does manage to find a small candy covered in lint. Mary Cherry immediately claims it for herself, claiming that she's the thinnest. Lily refuses to give it to her. Mary Cherry then throws Lily onto the sofa and straddles her in an attempt to get some sugar. Sam managed to free Lily of the Texan.
Brooke tells everyone to calm down and get a Lady Time. So, all the girls take a little Lady Time and, once again, Sam starts getting a strange ideas. She says that if only they have a shovel, the could dig their way out. Brooke sarcastically announces this idea to be brilliant, but I don't think she has any right to talk after that canned food comment. Mary Cherry pulls through, however, and produces a shovel. Nicole tries it out a few times, then gives it up because the floor is made of solid concrete.
Influenced by the Lady Time no doubt none of the girls think about using the shovel to force and/or smash the door open.

Meanwhile, the boys are watching the fire ants from Madagascar tape. We see ants fighting with each other. We also hear that Sugar Daddy is turned on by the display. I, for one, did not want to hear that.
Josh, Harrison and Sugar Daddy try to convince each other that locking the girls up in the Novak really was the smart thing to do.
Then, the riveting fire ants come to an end since someone taped something over it. It turns out that this is a home video made by Ms. Glass a. k. a. Veronica Pain, presenting something called Pain TV.
The door the Biology classroom opens and in steps Veronica.

Back in the Novak, Mary Cherry has spelled out the words "HELP ME" on the floor with tampons. Now she's hoping that a plane with X-Ray vision is going to fly over the school and notices this cry for help. She fears it's their only chance of survival.
Lily then makes the smart comment that the only thing they're going to die of is boredom. Carmen suggests a game of Truth or Dare. Nicole, however, suggests that they should play only Truth. And it just so happens that she has six secrets that need to be told. And here they are, written on the mirrors in pink lipstick:
1) The Call Me Quack
2) I've Questioned My Sexuality
3) I Did It Again
4) I Made Out With Josh Ford
5) I'm Dating Josh Ford
6) I Went Shopping With Gwyneth
At first glance secrets 4, 5 and 6don't sound all that deep, dark and shocking, but that may just be me. Brooke, for some reason, is pretty upset that her ex-boyfriend is mentioned twice. Sam makes the tactful comment:

"What do you care, frigid one? You dumped him."

To the casual observer this may just be Sam taking another stab at Brooke. For those who know better, this is really the insecurity talking. Sam fears that Brooke may still have feelings for Josh. She also seems to be upset that Brooke has apparently forgotten her promise about going to get her, but that's of secondary importance here.
Anyway, before we move on to the revelation of shameful secret #1 Sam and Brooke exchange another one of those glances that I'm only mentioning here for completeness.

They Call Me Quack - Mary Cherry!
In the Puritan outfit seen earlier in Sam's hallucination, Mary Cherry reveals that:
"My scarlet letter is D. D for Duck."
As it turns out, Mary Cherry was born with an affliction known to occur in inbred Texas with a certain regularity. She has webbed hands and webbed feet. Mary Cherry has been taken to Switzerland where she underwent many painful treatments. But the results are positive, her hands are no longer webbed. Her feet are another story, however, and when Mary Cherry shows them, everybody is a little bit disgusted. Lily so much even that she flees into one of the stalls to vomit.

Moving on to number 2, the one about sexuality. Nicole instantly assumes that it's Sam who has questioned her sexuality. I beg to differ. If there's one girl who has been the most consistently honest about her sexuality so far it's Sam. Anyway, as Nicole intimidates Sam into answering her, the brunette looks like the proverbial deer in headlights (and also looking at Brooke for a little support) and is about to confess when someone else does it for her.

I've Questioned My Sexuality - Lily
"My scarlet letter is C. C for Confused."
We zoom a long way back to that episode about sex. You know, the one where Jane finds the condom, Sam and Brooke have a bet, Brooke breaks up with Josh and Lily tries to have sex with Harrison. As it turns out, after having failed in her plans with Harrison, Lily raced over to Carmen for comfort. For some reason, Lily thinks she's not quite normal or something. She assumes that, just because she interested in Harrison she may not be interested in men altogether. Carmen quickly jumps to conclusions.

"Maybe you just don't have it in ya. Maybe you like girls… or something."

Anyway, the two of them have a conversation in which Carmen proclaims to be totally OK with it if Lily turns out to be gay. If, for some reason, Lily finds herself out of the closet and all alone, she still has Carmen to back her up.
The girls look at each other and lean closer, and closer, and closer, and…

AAARGH DAMN! We're back in the fuckin' Novak! Do these TV show makers have no guts!? The perfect opportunity to finally show what this show is really about and they chicken out! Well, maybe there's a rational explanation for this. Maybe they want the first on-screen kiss to be between Sam and Brooke. But still… Damn!
Anyway, in order to appease people like me, Brooke has a quiet confession to make:

"I have to say, I've thought about it."

Well, OK, by now she probably has done more than just think about it, but I'll be happy with this bold statement all the same. Nicole doesn't believe her, but the look on Brooke's face proclaims louder than words that yes, she has pondered the fact that she may attracted to girls. Very, VERY, seriously as a matter of fact.
Anyway, to conclude Lily's secret, the brunette is still confused because she still likes guys. Surely it should have occurred to her by now that she could be bi?
Carmen is really not happy with the situation. She gets angry at Lily for outing her like that. After all, Carmen knows what she wants "and it certainly isn't women".
Yeah, Carmen. Do we have to remind you who it was that practically instigated the kiss? It sure wasn't Lily.
Sam also isn't happy. If one of her friends is gay, she wants to know about it so that she can help the other to deal with this new situation. After all, Sam knows about her sexuality the longest so she probably has more experience or something. Lily tells Sam that the reason why she hadn't gone to her with this revelation was because Sam was so consumed by everything Brooke that she simply wasn't available.
Meanwhile, Nicole is setting her priorities straight:

"OK, back to the lesbian part: where there tongues involved here?"

But alas, Nicole is ignored and the brunettes bitch to each other some more.

Meanwhile, Ms. Glass feels betrayed. She doesn't like students digging up her past, so she has tied said students to a couple of chairs. The boys claim that there watching the fire ants tape. Ms. Glass doesn't believe. As it turns out, she too is having trouble with PMS. She announces that she needs to think long and hard about how to proceed with this situation.
The boys are worried.
Very worried.

Back in the Novak, Sam emerges from one of the stalls and I think has decided to talk about things when she's met with a surprise. The blondes and brunettes have mixed. Carmen is combing Mary Cherry's hair and Brooke is doing Lily's nails. Lily sympathises with Brooke, saying that it must be tough for her living with someone who's so self-absorbed. Brooke pointedly looks at Sam while saying "It is". I have been told that this relationship code meaning "You don't pay enough attention to me". Since I have, unfortunately, never been in a relationship I have no means of verifying the truth of this statement.
Nicole is pleased about the brunettes turning against Sam and wants to find out if they can turn against some more by moving to secret #3. Before the keeper of this secret steps forward she first looks guilty at a certain someone else. And after she speaks up, that certain someone else starts looking worried.

I Did It Again - Brooke
"My scarlet letter is R. R for Rebound."
It is the night after the Sadie Hawkins dance and Brooke and Josh are engaged in a little bit of making out. What follows next has been literally copied from Angelina's review, since she did it so well:

Josh: "I'm so glad we're getting back together."

Brooke looks at him like he’s just announced that he’s from Mars. I think he made a pretty fair assumption but Brooke doesn’t agree. What follows is what Brooke says, enclosed in [ ] is what she really meant by it.
*Enclosed in ( ) after that are any additional comments that I, Jos, have decided to make.*

Brooke: "No Josh, we are not back together." [I'm with Sam now.]

"Why did I do this?" [She's a much better kisser than you are.] (This is just an attempt to get back into denial and I'm not going there again.)

"This is wrong. So very wrong." [I'm gay!] (I'm cheating on Sam if I go any further!)

"This is not what I want any more." [I want Sam.]

"How can I get anywhere if I keep taking two steps backwards?" [I want a serious committed relationship.] (That closet has only been holding me back so far.)

Josh: "Brooke, I love you."

Brooke: "I know you do, that's why I feel so bad right now." [Cuz I don't love you.]

"We've got to stop this. I have to move on." [To Sam.]

"I think you should leave." [So I can go downstairs and ravish my stepsister.]

*End of Angelina plagiarism*

Interesting conversation, don't you think? Makes one wonder exactly how long the two of them are together. My bet would be that they worked something out during the Sadie Hawkins dance. This would explain why Brooke suddenly starts making out with Josh. The thing with Sam is extremely new and she's still feeling very insecure about it. Josh, on the other hand, is safe, but like Brooke says herself, this isn't what she wants.

We're back in the Novak and Sam wants to make sure that Brooke's secret really happened on the night of the Sadie Hawkins dance. When this date is confirmed Sam looks relieved. This is odd. I would be furious if I found out that my new girlfriend kissed someone else on the very same night where we hooked. Or at least, I would be pretty pissed.
But relieved?
How could this be?
But then Sam announces that one the very same night that Brooke was with Josh, Sam was with him too.
Brooke looks shocked.

In Biology class, the guys are still tied up. Josh wants to know how Ms. Glass got into all this sordid stuff.

I Make Home Videos In Which I Call Myself Veronica Pain - Ms. Glass
"My scarlet letter is L. L for Lonely Lady."
Like everybody else, Ms Glass also wants to love and be loved. However, since she doesn't have a love life she compensates by eating. In some restaurant called Croutons, Ms. Glass meets Godfrey.
It's love at first sight.
Or is it?
After being treated with some shots of Godfrey seducing Ms. Glass we get to find out the true reason why he wooed Ms. Glass. Godfrey is a masochist who thinks Ms. Glass would make an excellent dominatrix.
He was right.

After the flashback, back in Bio, Ms. Glass confesses that their "relationship" was completely loveless and she wanted out. Godfrey, however, threatened her with the videotapes they had made. He would step to the school board with them and get her fired for them.
Personally, I wonder why that would be such a big deal. Surely what the teachers do in their own free time is their choice? If it doesn't harm the students and isn't illegal, I see no reason why Ms. Glass should be fired because of that.
After having revealed her secret, a fifth person enters the dark Biology classroom.
It's Godfrey.

Back in the Novak, Sam and Brooke are standing face to face and very close to each other as well. For the remainder of their duration in the locked Novak they will continue to stand that close to each other.
Brooke says that she doesn't believe Sam's claim.

I Made Out With Josh Ford - Sam
"My scarlet letter is B. B for Betrayer."
Well, look at that. In the very first sentence of Sam's confession, she proclaims her feelings of guilt and her fear that she may have cheated on Brooke.
As it turns out, after Josh was kicked out of Brooke's room it wasn't the cheerleader who ravished the brunette. After talking for an hour, Sam and Josh end up kissing. Of course, this doesn't last very long as well. Sam breaks off the kiss saying that all this is simply wrong. She then goes on to say that "Brooke doesn't deserve this". The blonde may have her faults, but Sam so isn't interested in cheating on her. For those of you who may be wondering, let's not forget that Brooke has dumped Josh a long time ago, so it's not like Sam could be talking about Brooke not deserving her boyfriend being stolen from her.
Sam then claims that things between her and Josh are just chemical and she wants more than that. I don't think I have to spell out what it is that Sam really wants, do I?
Josh has finally got the message end says that he can't have what he wants.

Back in the Novak, Sam is fearful of Brooke's reaction. She needn't worry. They both made out with Josh that night and they both broke it off out of love for the other. Enter Brooke, saying, in a deep, husky voice with romantic music playing on the background:

"Thank you for not going over the line."

For those of you who are very sceptic, please consider what you've just seen and heard in Brooke's flashback. Brooke has made it painfully clear that she doesn't want Josh any more. So if Sam were to go and take a shot at him, Brooke wouldn't care.
Except for that one tiny little fact that Sam and Brooke are now dating.
So, Sam nods in relief and all is well in Paradise once again.
For now, anyway.
Meanwhile, Mary Cherry feels that Josh is just a gigolo. Which isn't true. Gigolos are male hookers. It would make far more sense to say that Josh is a male slut, but I'm not quite sure if there's a word for that. Lily, however, stick up for Josh, saying that he was probably hurt and needed comforting. But wait, with only secrets left, who's the one who's dating Josh Ford?
At first, Nicole is accused of this crime, but as it turns out it's not her. Brooke looks shocked when she hears this. Sam once again looks worried. Remember that "frigid one" comment? Same insecurities are flaring up again. Anyway…

I'm Dating Josh Ford - Carmen
"My scarlet letter is U. U for Unworthy."
It's the day after the Sadie Hawkins dance and Josh and Carmen are sitting in some classroom somewhere preparing for something. Josh tells Carmen that people make him feel dumb. Carmen tells Josh that people make her feel fat. They then tell each other how they're feeling pretty OK when they're each other.
And from that moment on, Carmen and Josh are a team. "Us against those who didn't get us", "Instant soulmates" and so on.
I think Carmen has momentarily repressed the fact that Josh had first been trying to get back together with Brooke and, when that didn't work tried to get it on with Sam. There, he was rejected again, since Brooke and Sam much prefer to be with each other.
Anyway, at the end of the conversation, Josh asks Carmen out on a date.

Back in the Novak, we find out that this date was supposed to be tonight. Nicole therefore, doesn't believe Carmen and Josh are dating since he locked her up in here after all. Anyway, moving on to the last secret. "I went shopping with Gwyneth" belongs to Nicole.
Not much of a deep, dark secret. To the blondes, Gwyneth is God. Except maybe for Brooke, who may have replaced Gwyneth's place on the pedestal with someone else.
Anyway, Mary Cherry isn't happy with the fact that the secrets of everyone else were so much sexier than her own secret.
Carmen then proclaims that this isn't really Nicole's secret. Gee, are we surprised with that or what? Carmen tells Nicole that Josh now tells her all kinds of stuff. Including all kinds of stuff that has to do with Nicole. The brunette gives the blonde a choice. Either Nicole confesses or Carmen will do it for her. And so we arrive at the true secret #6 (or #7 if you counted the one from Glass): Nicole has slept with Josh.

In Biology Ms Glass is now also tied up and everyone is also gagged. The four of them wonder what Godfrey is going to do to them. Then Godfrey shows up with a cell-phone, telling the person on the other end of the line that has "a few fine specimens for his underground white slave trade". Spurred on by the prospects of living the rest of their lives in slavery, Ms. Glass, Harrison, Josh and Sugar Daddy manage to free themselves. Josh is sent out to go get help.

I Slept With Josh Ford - Nicole
"My scarlet letter is J. J for Jealousy. Thank you."
Back to the episode where Lily kissed Carmen. Josh is standing in one of the hallways of Kennedy High and is crying his eyes out. Nicole wants to know what's wrong. After finding out that Brooke dumped him, she comforts him by having sex with him.

The reason why she did this confuses me. She says she's tired of always taking second place to Brooke. She slept with Josh to somehow get back at the head blonde.
I'm not quite sure how sleeping with one's cast-offs is a way of getting back at one. But then again, maybe it's just me.
Sam is still worried, but Brooke is by no longer shocked, but mad. She lunges at Nicole, but is restrained by Sam. Lily, meanwhile, yells at everyone that they have to remember the real reason behind all this trouble.
Then Josh runs into the Novak, hoping that the girls will help him.
They don't.

Back in Bio, Harrison and Sugar Daddy have overpowered Godfrey and want to rough him up a little. Ms. Glass, however, knows that Godfrey likes to be roughed up a little, so she vetoes the idea. She tells Godfrey to take a hike and that if he wants to show the tape to the school board he can just go ahead and do it. Ms. Glass is no longer afraid of him nor ashamed of her secrets. Godfrey says that the whole fun of blackmailing her was the fact that she lived in fear, so now that she's no longer afraid it's simply no fun any more.
Godfrey leaves.
Ms. Glass decides to give the boys an A, if they manage to keep a little secret. Harrison and Sugar Daddy then figure out that Josh isn't back yet.

In the Novak, Josh has locked himself up in one of the stalls and is being attacked from all sides by girls who want to really hurt him. Josh says he's sorry that he's been sleeping around, but that doesn't really help. Carmen yells at everyone to leave Josh alone. Mary Cherry tells Carmen to stop defending Josh since they've all had their fun with him. Now is the time to reveal Mary Cherry's true secret:

"I slept with Josh too!"

Brooke is shocked, but Mary Cherry hasn't finished yet.

"And Joe! At the same time!"

Then, Josh' disembodied voice has the following to say:

"Hey! I'm not like that!"

Mary Cherry happily snaps at him:

"Shut your dirty whore mouth, player-player!"

There's a small moment where Carmen wants to know who "Joe" is, but she gets no answer since Mary Cherry isn't done with revealing her secrets:

"But two manfolk could not satisfy mah carnal cravin's. That's why Lily slept with us too."

Everyone looks at Lily surprised. Lily denies vehemently in the kind of way where the phrase "methinks the lady doth protest too much" might be appropriate.
Lily screams and lunges at Mary Cherry, trying to strangle the Texan. Brooke swoops in and hauls Lily off Mary Cherry, then announces that they all obviously need another Lady Time. Sam discovers that the bottle is empty and claims that Brooke ate it all. Brooke screams at Sam and the two of them end up in a vicious hair-pulling contest. Lily panics about running out of food and oxygen. Mary Cherry screams that they're all going to die.
Hey wait, this looks familiar somehow.
While Brooke and Sam are roughly and desperately groping each other on the sofa, Harrison enters, looks at the mirror and thinks that the pink lipstick is blood.
He's such a genius, isn't he?
The girls turn on him like a pack wolves and drive Harrison into one of the stalls. Whilst driving Harrison into it, Sam and Brooke end up very close to each other with their so-called argument forgotten. Sugar Daddy is listening at the door and, very wisely, legs it in the opposite direction.
After Harrison is safely secured in one of the stalls, the girls are trying to decide how to hurt him and Josh best. Then Sam (once again standing very close to Brooke) points out that the door is open. The girl stand mutely as they stare at the gateway to freedom. Brooke says that she feels like they've gone through a war. Mary Cherry confesses that she doesn't really want to leave because she feels so safe here with the other girls. All the girls agree that having been locked up in the Novak has been a good experience overall.
Sam gives Brooke back the bracelet, saying she has learned a valuable lesson about boundaries. Brooke smiles at Sam and asks her out for a date. Unfortunately, Mary Cherry wasn't looking at Sam and Brooke at that particular moment and believes that it was an invitation for the whole group. The girls decide that they're going to go have a bite at Croutons. Like a true Southern gentlemen, Mary Cherry offers her arm to Lily and escorts her out the Novak. Carmen decides that this invitation to eat something with the rest of the girls is far more promising than her date with Josh, so she reschedules the date with him.
Sam and Brooke share a few more lovely moments with each other, saying that their groups could indeed be friends and walk towards the exit. They're not exactly holding hands, but their arms are touching other, which is just as close without upsetting network executives.
Just before they leave, Brooke turns around and announces to Nicole that their friendship is over.
Wonder how long that's going to last.
Nicole feels somewhat hurt by this, but doesn't let it show for very long. She leaves and locks the Novak as she goes, leaving Harrison and Josh all the time they need to have their own little bonding moments.

Well, that was it. If I'm not mistaken, one of my longest reviews so far. Tune back next week to see if Sam and Brooke are still together.