Author: Geonn
Email: neil_j_miser@yahoo.com
Banner by: Mesh
Rating: PG13
Pairings: Sam/Janet
Category: Angst
Series: Second in the Complaint Department Series
Website: www.realmoftheshadow.com/geonn.htm
Disclaimer: These folks don't belong to me. I stole them from MGM's toybox without asking their mommies for permission. I promise to return them more or less unscathed.
Spoilers: Enigma, There For The Grace of God, Point of View, 100 Days, Divide & Conquer, Entity, Between Two Fires
Archive: Yes, just let me know where it'll be.
Notes: While it follows "The Colonel's Complaint," the events take place before, during and after that story.
Summary: Janet waits for Sam and ponders their relationship.
Special Thanks to Hl for the banner.
"The way to love anything is to realize that it can be lost." Gilbert K Chesterson
I hate waiting. It's the worst part of life.
Okay, maybe not the worst. There are taxes, death, destruction, bills, war, hate, etc. etc. etc. But those are mostly just concepts. Waiting is something you have to deal with right then, right there. And I hated it. I hated I was off-duty while Sam was off-world. First of all it led to a lot of lonely nights. Second, it made me anxious to think she might come back bent or bruised or broken while I was sitting at home. Warner was a capable doctor and everything... but Sam was *my* patient.
I had tried my best to keep myself busy. I read, I messed with the roses in the garden before the first freeze destroyed them, I vacuumed the living room floor and checked my email. I finally gave up and turned on the TV at 6:30. Hollywood Squares had started and I put my feet up just as the phone rang. I sighed and picked up, muttering a quick, "Hello," before turning my attention back to Tom Bergeron and Whoopi Goldberg.
"Hi."
I immediately sat up straighter and turned the TV to mute. "Sam, hey," I said, tucking a stray hair behind my ear. "Where are you?"
"Still at the base. I just had my post-mission done and--"
"Wish I had been there..."
Sam continued, apparently unaware of my interruption, "--we have to do the briefing in about ten minutes. I should be home in an hour... is that okay?"
"Um... yeah. Uh-huh, sure. Sam? Are-- is everything okay?"
"Yeah. 'Course it is. Why wouldn't it be?" Uh-oh. "Listen, ah, I gotta go. Talk to you later, sweetheart. Love." She hung up before I had a chance to return the sentiment.
I looked at the phone in confusion, then returned it to the cradle. I sighed and looked at the clock. An hour, huh? I pulled myself out of the chair and headed into the kitchen to see what I could make for dinner.
---
Sam came into the kitchen 57 minutes later, always as close to punctual as possible. She dumped her jacket and helmet on the counter (a habit I had yet to break her and my daughter of) and sniffed the air. A smile spread across her face and she said, "Wild Rice and Mushroom?"
I wrinkled my nose. "You are a sick and depraved individual."
Sam embraced me from behind and kissed the skin behind my ear. As I wondered if my knees would buckle, Sam said, "I love Hamburger Helper..."
"You've been spoiled on MREs, honey."
She found a wooden spoon and scooped up a large piece of meat. She inhaled it and made a low 'mm-humm' noise. "You have no sense of taste, Janet." She turned my head and kissed me on the lips, allowing me to taste the meaty flavor of our dinner. She swept the pad of her thumb over my lower lip when we broke apart. "Thank you for making something you hate for me."
At first, I thought there was an odd quake to her voice. I was about to shrug it off when I noticed a peculiar sheen to her eyes. "Sam? What's wrong?"
She stepped back, touching her wrist to her lip. "Nothing." She turned towards the microwave and I caught a quick swipe to rid her eye of moisture. "I'm, ah, it was just the heat off the stove." She grinned. "No worries."
I didn't have to be Sherlock Holmes to know she was lying. Hell, even Watson could've seen *that* lie.
---
"...Mr. Glass was trying to tell me that the science project was way, way to complex for me to have done on my own. Then he said he was gonna give me an F because you had to have done it for me," Cassandra said, pointing her fork at Sam.
"So what'd you do?" Sam asked.
Cassandra smiled and said, "I merely took him step-by-step through the project, explained the hows and whys to him. I gave him a couple of formulas that I thought would add to the project, but didn't fit into the notebook and stepped back. He was totally faced."
Sam extended her hand and the teen slapped it. "Just goes to show you that genius can rub off."
"So what do you get from me?" I asked.
"Good looks," Sam and Cassie said simultaneously, breaking into a fit of giggles after they said it. I smirked at them and Cassandra picked up her plate to carry it into the kitchen. "May I be excused?"
I waved her away. "Yeah, yeah, get outta here, kid." Cassandra disappeared and I turned to Sam. "Good dinner?"
She nodded. "I really appreciate this, Janet. I know you hate Hamburger Helper."
I shrugged. "No big deal. Look," I took a forkful and swallowed it, only grimacing once as I swallowed it.
"Nice try," Sam said, smiling. A person would have to have been an expert on the human condition to notice the strange tilt to Sam's smile. An expert on humanity or an expert on Sam. Luckily, I was the latter.
I reached across the table and took her hand. "What is it? Did something happen on the planet?"
She jerked slightly and pulled her hand away. "Janet..." she said, wiping her mouth on a napkin. "Janet... I..." She pushed her chair back and stood, looking down at her feet. "I have to go to Colonel O'Neill's house."
"What?!"
"I... Janet, I have to ask him something. I'll... try not to be too long..." She kissed me on the cheek, then slipped her lips to mine before she turned to the door. "I won't be long. I'll take the car instead of the bike..."
She knew how much I worried about that bike, but... what did that have to do with going to Colonel O'Neill's house? I sighed as she left and slumped in my chair. "Whatever," I whispered.
---
After Sam left, I checked in on Cassandra. Her homework was done and she was on the Internet chatting with a friend. I reminded her that bedtime was eleven, no arguments, and wished her a good-night before heading to my room. Alone, I finally allowed myself to think about what was going on with Sam. Something had happened on the planet they had just returned from. Had she been hurt? It had something to do with Colonel O'Neill, that was a given.
Ah, the Colonel. I should've known my first serious relationship since my sham of a marriage wouldn't be easy. I had finally found someone I loved with all my heart and there was this... this other man on the peripheral. A lovestruck Colonel pining away for my girlfriend.
Sure, she came home to me. She made love to me, she ate breakfast with me... laughed with me, spent time with me, kissed me. But I couldn't help but feel a connection between her and the Colonel. I had made my move on Sam during the first year of the Stargate Project, right before Cassandra came into our lives and cemented our bond. But what if O'Neill had been more ballsy? I mean, the guy was just coming out of retirement. What if he had cut his losses and asked Sam out? Would I still be waiting for her to come home to my bed?
Was this whole relationship just a matter of good timing?
I took off my skirt and blouse, putting them in the hamper as I started a bath. I tipped a bottle of Mr. Bubble under the faucet and mixed it with my hand as I thought about Sam. Sam and me. Sam and the Colonel.
The thought of them together wasn't so hard to imagine. We'd either seen or head about two alternate realities and both had involved Sam being married to O'Neill (okay, just engaged in one... close enough). There was a wake-up call for you. I couldn't picture a world where I knew Sam and didn't love her. I couldn't comprehend going to bed alone knowing she was in bed with someone else. The very idea caused something to close around my heart. I loved her, needed her, more than anyone I'd ever known. The thought of her being with someone else...
But she *was* at Colonel O'Neill's house, wasn't she? What were they talking about? Those damn za'tarc tests? The very thought made me want to put my foot through a wall. 'I care for Carter... a lot more than I'm supposed to.' Glad I was a witness to that... Either hear the love of your life admit her feelings for someone else or send her into an indefinite coma. Damned if I do, damned if I don't. I turned off the faucet and stripped off my underwear, testing the water with my foot before getting into the tub.
The water rose to the edge of the tub, the bubbles surrounding me like a huge fluffy barrier protecting me from the world. I leaned my head against the wall and looked up at the ceiling. There never was a Sam and me. Not really. Since we started sleeping together, it was always Sam and Janet and Jack. I shared her with him, even if her feelings didn't run as deep as his did. But she did love him. That much was made evident three years into our relationship, when she missed our anniversary holed up in the lab trying to save the stranded Colonel.
Eighty-four days. Over two thousand hours in her lab, barely coming out to sleep or eat. I wonder if she would have eventually wandered out for sustenance or if we would have eventually found her slumped over her schematics. The only thing she ate during those three months was what I brought her. What I forced down her gullet while she drew up plans to bring Colonel O'Neill back from Edora.
I remembered the argument we'd had when I told her to prepare for the discovery that Jack was dead and wouldn't be able to come back. She had called me a name, I had called her one back. She cried, I cried. I ordered her to come home with me and she had climbed back onto the stool. That was the night I broke the steering wheel of my car by pounding it with my fist. My pinkie still hurts sometimes... but she had succeeded. She had brought him back safely and we spent the weekend making up. But that didn't change the fact that she had worked like a madwoman trying to save him.
I splashed a little, recalling all the times I had given Sam sponge-baths in the infirmary. Wiping her sweaty brow as I waited for word on her condition. During those instances when something horrible happened and she arrived in my care, time didn't matter. I refused to eat, sleep or leave until I knew what would happen with her. I had spent more than one night on the couch in my office, and I had more than one spare uniform in my locker. I felt that if I walked out of the complex while Sam's health was still in question, it would trigger some kind of cosmic reaction and Sam would die.
Silly, I know. But it didn't stop me from camping out with her...
Which brings me to... the Entity. God, if I ever meet that damned race I'm going shove a PDA down their throats and hurl them back home. Contagion this, motherfuckers. You almost killed my best friend. You almost destroyed a beautiful life, all because of a mistake. I hated those technological freaks more than I hated the Goa'uld. Sure, Apophis and his brothers had caused more than enough damage to SG-1... but nothing they had ever done forced me to receive The Order.
"Disconnect the life support. She's gone. There's nothing you can do. I'm sorry, Doctor."
How could I possibly have even considered disconnecting the machine keeping Sam's body alive? And to think that I was an inch away from complying when I heard that Sam's mind had been transferred to the computer. How could I have lived with myself if I had pulled the plug? I never want to consider that; it's far too dark a road for me to travel. I held Sam's life in my hands and I almost extinguished it. I nearly destroyed her only chance to come back to us, and that thought made me physically ill for weeks afterward.
I begged her, once she was healthy again, to rethink the will. I pleaded with her to change her mind. The odds were, if anything - God forbid - happened to her, that I would be the one in charge. After much crying and pleading, Sam gave me power of attorney in the event of her demise.
I'll never forget standing over her bed with Colonel O'Neill, watching her chest rise and fall as the machine breathed for her. I wonder if he could tell I was on auto-pilot. I wonder if he knew how close I was to collapsing in a fit of tears. I'll never forget the heartbreak I felt at that moment, and the anger that I had to share it with him. The man I shared Sam's heart with. My tears at that moment weren't entirely for Sam's imminent mortality; they were the result of my realization that I would always - and had always - shared her with him.
Call me selfish, call me childish and immature... I wanted Sam to be mine. ALL mine. I didn't want any small part of her to be devoted to anyone else. Did that make me a bad person? Did that make me possessive and bullheaded? Did I have a right to monopolize Sam's feelings like that? It was ridiculous to think that I was the only person to ever be attracted to her. She was gorgeous, brilliant and witty. She was everything I had ever dreamed of, hidden in the package of a woman. Thank God I was smart enough to look beyond her gender...
I would never be alone in my affections for Sam. As long as males had eyes, I would be in constant battle for her feelings. Colonel O'Neill was just the beginning of my worries. There was Narim, the delightfully ignorant Tollan that Sam had taken under her wing after saving his life. He was so taken with her that he had - I heard - programmed her voice into his home computer system. A creepy thought... I despised myself for even thinking this, but... at least he wasn't an issue anymore.
My fingers were beginning to prune. I slid down a little in the tub, getting my hair wet, and grabbed the washcloth from the floor. I scrubbed my forearm as I thought about Sam's other suitors. Martouf had tried to win her heart using the cliched "My lover died in your head so now I have feelings for you" routine. Talk about done to death... Death. Bad choice of words. Not only did he die, but Sam was the one forced to pull the trigger.
Again, I hated myself for this, but I was glad she had been able to pull the trigger. That was evidence that her feelings for him weren't as strong as they could've been. Of course, it wasn't like she had any choice in the matter. I rubbed my face, leaving a trail of soap bubbles on my cheeks and nose.
Finally, I decided that this little inquisition of Sam's feelings was uncalled for. I slipped down in the tub, disappearing under the bubbles. I held my breath, holding my eyes closed for a few seconds as I adjusted to the warm womb of the tub. My feet and hands floated above the porcelain, and I felt absolutely weightless. All thoughts of O'Neill, and Narim, and Martouf and Joe Faxon (whom I always thought had some weird bond with Sam) were erased from my mind.
I pushed my head up out of the water, brushing my hair out of my eyes. I heard a gasp and turned. Sam was standing in the doorway; hand over her heart and blue eyes wide with shock. "DAMN!," she hissed. "Scared the... you scared me!" She chuckled softly and shook her head. "What were you doing underwater?"
"Thinking," I told her. "How was O'Neill?"
Sam smiled and looked in the mirror. "He's okay."
"There's room enough for two in this tub..." I offered.
She didn't even laugh at the joke; she just started to undress and approached the tub. Narim could program all the computers he wanted. Martouf could give her all the doe-eyed stares he had in his arsenal. Colonel O'Neill could be za'tarced out the wazoo. Screw 'em all. None of them got a bath with Samantha Carter. She dumped her clothes in the hamper and moved back to the tub, walking on tiptoes on the cool tile. She climbed into the tub as I scooted forward, allowing her to get in behind me.
When she was seated, I moved back into place, pressing against her as she wrapped her arms around me. "What were you thinking about?" she asked, her breath hot against my ear.
"This," I told her. "You and me. How much I love you. What I would do if you ever left me."
"Leave you?" Sam asked, her hand trailing the washcloth over the swell of my breast. "I would never leave you."
"Will you tell me something, then?" She nodded. "What was wrong with you tonight? Why did you have to run over to Colonel O'Neill's?" I felt her tense. She bent her legs, both knees poking up out of the bubbles on either side of me. "Did you... does it have to do with your feelings for him?"
She laughed. "No, honey. I love him like... he's my older brother. Or my father. Or a favorite uncle. There's only one person I love with every bit of my heart... and she's sitting in front of me in the buff."
I smiled, but couldn't shake the feeling there was more. "So what did you have to talk to him about? What was bugging you earlier?"
There was a long pause. Finally, she asked, "Are you sure you wanna know?"
"Tell me," I implored.
"He knows about you... and me... and... us."
"He WHAT?!" I sat forward and turned, looking at her.
Sam held up both hands and said, "He... won't do anything. He's okay with it, as far as the military stuff goes. He won't turn us in. We're safe..."
I relaxed a little. "What do you mean... 'as far as military stuff goes'?"
She looked at me like I was insane. "He... has feelings for me, Janet."
"I know."
"I think it'll just take him some time to get used to the fact that I'm not waiting for him. Acceptance takes time."
Leaning back against her, I said, "So... you just went to make sure we wouldn't get found out?" She nodded. "I was worried," I said, threading her fingers with mine. "I thought... maybe you had reconsidered how you felt about him."
She kissed my ear and said, "Janet... I'm yours. Forever and ever. Don't forget that." Her tongue dipped into my ear and she asked, "Can I play with your ducky?"
I laughed. "Is that code or do you really want the rubber ducky out of the cupboard?"
She kissed my lips and let her hands disappear under the water level. Ooooh, Innuendo Ducky. Got it. I broke the kiss and said, "I would love for you to play with my ducky," I chuckled.
We climbed out of the bath, taking time to dry each other off, then went to bed. Together. Colonel O'Neill's feelings were a moot point as we joined our bodies under the sheets. Narim was gone, and Martouf was a memory. I was the one holding Samantha Carter in my arms. I was the one making her lower lip tremble. Mine was the name she whispered when she came.
There would always be contenders for her affections... but as long as I walked this Earth, I knew that Sam would be mine. And that was all that mattered.
End