Title: It Is Over
Pairings: B/F sort of
Rating: PG, though some language
Warnings: It's a break up - its going to be traumatic
Disclaimers: I don't own Buffy or the Bufyverse, I wish I did. Written purely because I needed to vent, and it seemed an appropriate way to do so.
So she went home with her, that two bit tart from the bar, whose name I don't even want to know. Don't ask me how I know they went home together, I just do. I also know that this has been going on for a while, even if it was just flirty looks and stuff. Heart-broken does not even come close to how I am feeling, I don't think any words could.
God this whole thing sucks. She text me today saying that she has fucked everything up for no reason - how am I supposed to respond to that. I am the one hurting, I am the one who just got their heart ripped out, yet I am the one trying to comfort her. Trying to tell her that it will all be ok, and that she did have a reason - I'm fighting against my own bloody team, going against everything I want and feel inside. I just want to hold her in my arms and tell her everything will be ok, and that I wont ever leave her again, but I can't, I can't promise that, I cant even promise that I'll never hurt her because I already have, oh so many times.
What do I do? I can't make any promises, and I can't let myself hope that she wants me again, I can't open myself up to that pain, the searing agony that makes me heave when I smell food, and vomit when I eat.
I will change for her, and in a few years, I will go back for her, I will be different, she wont recognise me, and I will win her heart back. A dream. A pipe dream. That wont happen and I know it, but I can't help wishing that maybe, just maybe she still loves me. And that is the most dangerous feeling of all, i shouldn't be clinging to the faintest glimmer of hope that she has given me, and I know it.
But does she know what she is doing to me? Does she know how I feel? Does she know that she is the single thread that my destiny is to follow? Everyone has a soul mate, everyone has one person who they are destined to be with forever, sometimes it doesn't work, sometimes you have to let go. Is it time to let go or is it time to cling on to the one small life jacket that she has thrown me?
I don't know. I don't think I will ever know. For now that is all I have, all I can have. If she chooses me I don't even know if I could say yes to her. My heart and my head are in direct conflict and all I want to do is leave, to go away where no one can find me, and change, and not come back for a very long time, maybe even ever.
Everything reminds me of her, a faint smell, the way a cup is put down on a side, the way my room smells when I first wake up and I've been dreaming of her. It is all her. It was always her. Her with the dark hair, smoldering eyes, and beautiful smile that used to light up my life. Now she smiles for someone else, some other girl who makes her laugh, makes her smile, and makes her feel whole. We were never what we should have been. We had the potential to be so much more, to be fighting together 'till the end of our days, but I was the only one who saw that, me the long term girl - now there's a joke, could never do long term before, stupid of me to think that someone wouldn't run out on me. They always leave. She on the other hand, is impetuous, now now now, its always got to be now, and if it's not now then she doesn't want it, me included.
I feel the knife sliding into my heart one more time, she finally does it, she kills me like I nearly killed her all those times, all those cries for help I ignored, all those looks of longing I dismissed, all those urges of mine that I embraced rather than ignored, this is all my fault, I realise that now. I was never what she needed, it was always about what I wanted.
When she left she took away my hope, my dreams, and any thought that I might have had for the future. There is someone else, she no longer needs or wants me. It was all just a pathetic dream of mine to want a normal life, to love like a normal girl, to be a normal girl. I was wrong, I can never be normal. I am who I am for a reason, and I can not change that.
So for now, all I can say is goodbye, and hope that eventually we will be together again, be it in heaven, be it in hell, or somewhere down the road - I will always be waiting.
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