Never To Be Found

Title: Never To Be Found

Author: Casandra

Disclaimer: I of course own nothing here. It all belongs to that evil mastermind Joss, Mutant Enemy, Fox, yada yada yada

Rating: PG-13. Nothing graphic in here I can’t seem to get anywhere remotely naughty LOL

Pairing: Buffy/Willow of course.

Summary: Spun from ‘Wild At Heart’. What if Riley hadn’t been there to save Willow? Willow’s POV

Feedback: Anything you’d like to send my way would be very much appreciated.

Distribution: You want it, feel free to take it. Just make sure to give me credit for it. And also maybe drop me a line to where I can find it?

Warning: If the idea of two consenting adult woman involved in a romantic relationship bothers you, run, run fast, far, far away from this fic.

Author’s Note: Well I’ve been tossing this idea around for a while. But due to my class load I haven’t had any time to sit down and try and write it. And I really didn’t have that much time when I did write this, so it’s basically just a snippet. And personally I don’t think it came out all that well, one of my lesser attempts at fic I think. Which probably isn’t saying much, lol, but anyway, enough with the Casandra pity party. All told from Willow’s POV. This is the first time I’m trying Will’s POV, the last three POV pieces I wrote were from Buffy’s perspective.

Betrayal. I think it’s probably the most cutting emotion a person can feel. Because being betrayed combines the most powerful emotions together into one deep despairing feeling. Pain, anger, hurt, jealousy, confusion, fear, hopelessness. I’m feeling them all at the exact same time, and it’s so unimaginably awful. I never in my darkest nightmares would have imagined that I would be experiencing these feelings at the hands of my, who I thought was loving, boyfriend. Sure I had felt quite a bit of the green eyed monster syndrome when I saw Veruca checking Oz out at the Bronze a few weeks back. But I also felt secure in the fact that Oz loved me, wanted me. And if I had any doubts Buffy had chased them far, far away from me. She insisted that Oz loved me, it didn’t matter if he checked out other woman. The way she smiled so reassuringly left me no choice but to believe her. But then again I’ve always trusted and believed her, even when everybody else questioned her motives and actions. I’ve had a tendency to follow her blindly over the last 4 years, but I’ve never regretted it. I’ve trusted her judgment, her strength, her courage, and I even think her love, to know that no matter what, I was safe with her. As long as Buffy is around I feel safe, protected and loved.

But Buffy’s not here now, and even if she was I have to wonder if she could work her magic on me. I feel so hopeless and I don’t even know if she could save me this time, save me from my own hurt and confusion. But she would sure give it one hell of a try, the way she does everything, I know that with absolute certainty. Despite the fact that I just caught my boyfriend literally with his pants down cheating on me, all I can seem to think about is having Buffy wrap her strong arms around me, comforting me and holding me. I know she loves me, in fact it kinda shocked me when she said it last May after I told her I was staying in Sunnydale. I honestly don’t know why I didn’t say it back, because I love her so much sometimes it hurts. Maybe I was scared, maybe I was confused. But her friendship, that love, means the world to me, and I think I was afraid that she would see past the words and realize just how deeply I do love her. And I know she didn’t mean it the way I feel it, there’s no possible way, Angel. I know Oz and I didn’t even have anything close to what Angel and Buffy shared, not to mention the fact that the whole time with Oz he never had my whole heart, part of it will forever belong to Buffy. So instead of on the off chance that she would read too far into my words I didn’t say anything, the only thing I did was lightly laugh a little. And it’s been haunting me ever since, because I can’t help but feel I hurt her a bit with my silence. But I know she loves me, and right now all I want is to feel loved.

I remember holding Buffy when Angel broke up with her before the Prom. I can remember the feel of her quaking in my lap , her tears soaking through the cloth of my pant leg. It was probably one of the most awful days of my life. My best friend, the person I feel the safest with, the person I trust implicitly, and god help me, the person I love the most, was completely and totally lost. The only thing I could do was be there for her, hold her, and try my best to chase even a few of her tears away. She fell asleep with her head curled in my lap, and since I would have physically hurt anyone who tried to disturb her, I ended up spending the night in her room, wiping away her salty wet tears and rubbing her head soothingly. The next morning she woke up and gently lifted herself out of my lap and leaned in and kissed my cheek gently. Then she quietly said thank you. And as much as I hate the idea of putting her in any kind of pain, all I want is for her to do the same thing for me now. I know how much seeing her like that killed me, but I can’t help but feel a little bit selfish now. I want Buffy to hold me, cradle me, tell me everything will be alright, because I’ll believe anything and everything she tells me. I need my best friend, I need to feel safe, I need to feel her love wrap around me in warm waves. I need her to protect me from this awful betrayal. Simply put, I need Buffy.

I’m so caught up in my thoughts and hurt that I honestly don’t have any idea where I am. I can feel my feet sliding across the pavement, my hair rustling in the slight breeze of the November morning. I can feel myself step down, wishing for the hundredth time today that Buffy was here with me.

“Willow!”

I hear her voice and look up. She looks absolutely petrified, and I realize that her voice sounded just as scared when she screamed my name. She’s rushing towards me at a frantic pace, I don’t think I’ve ever seen her move as quickly as she is now. Then I hear it, a shrill loud noise coming from almost directly beside me. I cast my head to the side to see a silver sports car bearing down on me, not slowing in it’s approach. So I guess that step down was off the curb, because I find myself standing in the middle of the street in front of the Espresso Pump. I turn back around to find Buffy still barreling towards me. I seem to be frozen in place, part of me sees the speeding car inching closer and closer. The other part sees Buffy, my protector, rushing to save the day, or me as the case may be this time. I actually take control of my faculties finally and go to jump out of the way just as I feel something launch me into the air out of the path of the speeding car. I know it’s not something though, rather it’s someone, my best friend.

I pick myself up from the hard concrete of the sidewalk and hurriedly glance around for my savior. I want to wrap her up in a big hug and thank her, but I can’t seem to find her, she’s not on the sidewalk with me. I spin around to the crowd that seems to be gathering in the middle of the street where I was just standing. No! Goddess No! I have this overwhelming feeling of dread fill the pit of my stomach. I rush over, breaking through the hoard of people that have gathered. There she is, lying curled up in a heap in the middle of the street.

“ God no!” I fall to my knees at her side, becoming aware that there is a fine stream of blood coming out of her mouth and nose. I gently reach out and stroke her cheek, trying to see if she’s conscious or not. “Buffy? Buffy, can you hear me?”

“W………Will?” She gently cants her head slightly to try and find me. I don’t think I’ve ever heard her voice sound so weak. I lay myself down next to her so she stops trying to strain herself to see me.

“I’m right here Buffy. I’m right here. Just don’t move ok, help will be here soon.” I knew I wasn’t lying because I can hear through all the commotion the sound of sirens off in the distance.

“You…… ok …W…Will?” Oh god, here she is lying in the middle of the street bleeding and she’s worried about me! And I’m the reason she’s lying here to begin with!

“I’m fine Buffy. I’m just fine, thanks to you. You saved me Buffy, thank you.” I gently lean down and kiss her cheek, mirroring her actions from that previous May. I feel her smile under my lips.

“You’re……..wel……..welcome. I couldn’t l…………….let anything hap……happen to you, now cou…could I?” She reached up, her hand shaking violently, to cover her own palm over my hand that is still resting against her cheek.

“Buff, shhh, just take it easy. Don’t try to talk, the paramedics will be here soon.” I was whispering in her ear, trying to make my voice sound as soothing as possible. But the fear that is filling my heart is starting to become overwhelming. I feel like she’s slipping away from me.

“No time……………..it hu…hurts so much W…Will.”

“No Buffy, come on! You gotta hang on just a little longer, please!” The hell with soothing, I’m scared out of my mind now. She’s giving up!

“Not gonna…..not gonna be in time.” She finds strength somewhere deep inside herself and pulls me closer to her. “Please look out for Mom and…..eve….everyone. Can….can you do that for me…..Will?”

“Of course I will Buffy, but I won’t have to, you’re going to be fine! Goddess you have to be!” My tears are starting to blind me, stinging my emerald eyes painfully as I pulled myself as close as possible to Buffy. I rested our foreheads together, her breath getting more and more shallow with each passing moment. “Please hang on Buffy!”

She pulls away from me a little and then I feel her lips upon mine in the softest kiss I have ever experienced. I’m beyond thrilled and paralyzed with fear all at the same time. For almost four years I’ve dreamt of what it would be like to kiss her. Before Oz it was always her. Even when I was with him I couldn’t help but hope that it was just a matter of time before Buffy realized she felt the same way. So now that she’s finally here, finally kissing me like I’ve always wanted I should be ecstatic. But her lips aren’t warm like they should be, and I know I’m about to lose her.

“I love…..love you Willow. I….. I always have…………..I’m so sorry…that I wa..waited so long to te……tell you……Now it’s too late” God, she’s saying goodbye! No! I won’t let her go, not now, not like this.

“I love you too Buffy, always. But don’t you dare give up on me! It’s not too late, it can’t be, I won’t let it be!”

“I love you, don’t…………….don’t ever forget th……that. Be happy Will, if Oz ever h……..hurts you I’ll come back a………and haunt him.” She tried to laugh but it only caused her to cough up a mouthful of blood.

“No! Don’t you dare leave me, I don’t want Oz, all I want is you! You can’t go, God please Buffy, don’t leave!”

She leaned up with amazing strength and again just ever so lightly brushed her lips against mine. “I’m sorry Willow.” And then her entire body went limp in my arms. And in the second her lips fell away from mine I felt like half of me had died with her.

“Buffy? Buffy! No, no, no, no, no. Goddess no! Don’t go, please don’t go! Come back Buffy, come back to me! Please don’t leave me!” I cried, I screamed, I wailed, I sobbed.

Then the ambulance pulled up. I didn’t care, there were too late, I can feel it, she’s gone, and she took part of me with her. Half of me is completely lost, and the only person who could find me is gone. Who’s going to save me now?

Casandra Buffy Main Index