Releasing Emotion

Title: Releasing Emotion

Author: Casandra

Disclaimer: Of course I own absolutely nothing. That honor is held by Joss, Mutant Enemy, Fox, yada yada yada.

Rating: PG-13 I think I’m too bashful to try my hand at smut. What can I say, I’m a wuss! LOL

Pairing: Buffy/Willow If you know me you don’t even have to ask.

Warning: If a romantic relationship between two consenting adult woman bothers you, run far far away.

Distribution: Be my guest, but please do let me know where it’s going.

Feedback: Well it’s rather hypocritical of me to ask for it considering how bad I am at giving it. But anything you’d feel inclined to send my way would be appreciated.

Summary: Post ‘Wrecked’ Buffy’s thoughts mostly, told from her POV.

Author’s Note: Well even though I thought the Buffy/Willow scene at the end of ‘Wrecked’ could have been better, I do think it opened up a bit of door. So I thought I might try and spin the end a bit and try and figure out what Buffy was thinking after the episode ended. Well, I’m at least attempting to do that LOL I’ve probably failed miserably, but I’ll let you guys be the judge of that.

I know I should be angry, I should be far beyond furious with her. I mean she got Dawn’s arm broken! She could have gotten her killed, dragging my baby sister along with her to a warlock! I really should be so pissed off at her I shouldn’t even be able to think straight. But I’m not. Sure I’m a little upset, but I’m not anywhere near as angry as I know I should be. I know I could try and pass it off on the fact that I don’t feel much of anything lately, but I would be lying. I know exactly why I’m not screaming at her right now, why I went back to her in that cold dark alley instead of taking Dawn to the hospital. And the fact that I’m feeling what I am bothers me even more.

I don’t want to feel anything, it would make it so much easier. Talk about thoughts and acts contradicting. Not more than a month ago I was singing my heart out about wanting to feel something, anything. And now that I finally do I want it to stop. Because what I’m feeling now has brought back everything that consumed my heart before the final battle with Glory.

I’m scared, frightened beyond belief. I looked at Willow in that dark dank alley on her hands and knees, crying, begging, pleading for my help, and it scared me to my very core. In all the years that I’ve known her she’s always been the strongest one of all of us. Sure I may be the Slayer, I may be able to bend steel bars with my bare hands and fight all the nasties the Hellmouth can throw at me, but I’ve never been strong, not where it really matters. She’s been the glue that’s held our little group together all these years. Sure, I may have been the reason we all came together in the first place, but she’s the one that’s kept us together. Even apparently after my death. You know I should really have a problem thinking about that, but I don’t, it doesn’t even register with me. Anyway, Tara told me after I was back a while what had happened after I took my header of that tower. She told me how grief stricken Willow had been, how she wouldn’t even eat for almost a week. Tara had seemed almost in pain as she related the events of the three months I had been gone. Apparently it even got to the point where Giles needed to sedate Willow to stop her from crying. And then one morning she just stopped, stopped crying and grieving, and started searching. Searching for a way to bring me back. I could have sworn I saw a spark of jealousy in Tara’s eyes when she told me how determined Willow was to bring me back, to rescue me from the hell she thought enslaved me. And that is why it almost killed me to have to sing the truth about where I really was after I took my leap into the great beyond. I took one look in her eyes as the words slipped past my lips and I could have killed that damn demon with my bare hands.

The look of pure and utter devastation scarred on her beautiful features was enough to unlock everything that had been trapped inside of my heart since I had taken that last breath so many months ago. I know now, as I silently watch her from my position in the dark doorway, that the fear of seeing Willow so far gone didn’t bring out my lost emotion, the intense feelings I suddenly realized I’ve always had for her are what’s causing my fright.

After I had left her tonight to try and get some sleep my mind had started to work overtime. As I sat with my legs curled up under my chin, my cross gripped tightly between my fingers, it suddenly became clear why I turned to Spike. I went to Spike for comfort because I love Willow. I wanted so desperately to seek out my wily redhead and just fall into her welcoming arms, But I wouldn’t let myself, because I knew that once I felt her arms around me again I would never be able to leave them. And I knew that I would have to, because her warm open embrace isn’t mine anymore, it’s Tara’s. What am I saying, it never was mine, not really. First it was Xander, then it was Oz and now Tara. It’s never been me and I’ve always been too much of a coward to try and change that. Of course I’d never admit that it was cowardess, instead just too much respect for Willow’s relationships. But I know better, I’ve always known better, but Spike doesn’t. In fact he doesn’t know anything about who I really am, the person that I truly am. Willow is the only one who knows the real me, she’s the only person I’ve ever let see the real Buffy. So instead of chancing my heart for the one thing, the one person I’ve ever truly wanted, I turned to Spike. And by turning to Spike I shut Willow out. And if I hadn’t done that maybe I could have helped her before everything spun so completely out of control. I was so busy trying to keep my feelings for her locked inside that I ended up watching her suffer.

I watch her shaking and spasming uncontrollably, sweat pouring off her and soaking the sheets. I never knew magic could be so similar to drug use. It’s like she is going through withdrawals and I’m completely powerless to stop it. Watching her suffer and knowing I might have been able to prevent it gives me strength to do something I should have done ages ago. As I stand there in the open doorway, watching the person I love more than anything in this hellish world fight the chills and the shakes, I’m filled with a strength to let my heart lead me for once. Whether or not she even returns my heart’s desire doesn’t even matter to me anymore. I don’t need to be in HER arms, I just need to feel her in MINE. I don’t even know if she would welcome my touch right now but I need to try, just, if anything, to let her know that I still love her.

I quietly creep into the room, her back is towards me so I doubt she can see me. I reach the bed and I see that she seems to be half awake, somewhat aware of my presence, but either not caring or not sure. I lift the covers up and swiftly climb in behind her. I know that she’s awake now because her eyes snap wide open and she whips her head around to face me.

“Buffy?” The sparkle of confusion that I’ve always found incredibly endearing flashes in her emerald eyes. Suddenly all the strength and confidence I had felt moments before has vanished as I look into her vast green pools. I know I need to say something, I need to explain why I just climbed into bed with my best friend!

“I was, um, well, I was worried about you. So I came to check on you and when I looked in I saw you were shaking” Ok, well I guess that didn’t sound too lame, just like friendly concern.

“I think I must be going through some type of withdrawal, I can’t seem to stop shaking,” She looks at me so sadly and my heart shatters into a million and one pieces right then and there. She must notice the pained look on my face because she quickly continues. “But I’m fine Buffy, don’t worry about me. You need your rest, just go on back to sleep.” She tries to give me one of her brilliant ’everything will be just peachy’ smiles, but I’m not buying it. I know she’s suffering and I know she wants me to stay, but she’s far too selfless to ask. But I’m not going to leave her, I need to be there for her, whether the truth comes out or not I don’t care anymore. Because for once Willow needs me, not the other way around, and I’m determined to do anything I can to help her.

I smile gently at her and stroke her cheek, “ Will, you’re not getting rid of me that easily. I’m staying, and I’m going to make sure that you’re ok.” I turned her around and pulled her closer, wrapping my arms around her waist. “And I’m going to hold onto you until I’m sure you’ll be ok.” I saw the confusion flash in her eyes once again and it just made me smile more down at her. I could feel how tense she was, her head lying stiffly on my shoulder and her arms curled tightly around themselves against my stomach.

“Buffy, you don’t have to, I’ll be fine.” She stopped when she saw the dubious expression that I’m sure was crossing my features. Suddenly she cast her eyes away from me and firmly planted her gaze on my hand which was resting across her stomach. “I don’t know why you would even want to help me after everything I did. And I don’t just mean to Dawn” I cast her a disbelieving look. Doesn’t she know I love her? Maybe she doesn’t realize just how much I love her, but she has to at least know I do, doesn’t she? “Buffy, how can you even look at me after what I did to you? I pulled you out of heaven, you were happy and I ripped you out of there. Just because I was selfish, just because I missed you so much that I made myself believe you had to be in hell.” I felt so terrible, the same way I felt when I saw what the truth had done to her that night in the Bronze. I tilted her head up so her eyes would meet mine. I silently willed her to see the depth of my feelings for her.

“Willow, how can you say that? You’re my best friend, you always have been. Sure it’s been hard being back, it’s been tough adjusting after, well, you know.” I may not have any trouble talking about my death, but I know she hates hearing it. “But I’ve never, ever blamed you. I don’t want you ever thinking that. I know you did what you did because you thought I was in hell, you thought you were trying to help. How could I blame you for that?” She had started crying and I wasn’t sure if she was upset or relieved. I took my hand and gently brushed the salty droplets away.

“Buffy, you don’t understand. I did it because I missed you so much, I just couldn’t let you go Buffy. So I convinced myself and everyone else that you had to be trapped in hell. Because that made what we were doing ok. But it was just selfish, I was just so selfish. But I just love you so much Buffy, I just didn’t want to let you go!” She started sobbing uncontrollably into my chest, grasping my shirt in her fists and holding on for dear life.

“Shhhh Wills, it’s ok.” I tilted her eyes up to meet my gaze. “ I didn’t want to die, I didn’t want to leave you, leave everyone. And even though It’s been tough being back, it’s worth it. I was happy in heaven, I won’t lie to you, but the most important thing in my life wasn’t there.” For the third time tonight I saw the confusion sparkle in her green eyes.

“Dawn?” I smiled gently at her question, and I knew there was no going back from where I was heading. I cupped her cheek in my palm and drew her face closer to mine, our lips inches apart.

“You”

And then I was kissing her. I was tentative at first, but when I didn’t feel her pulling away I deepened the embrace. I brought the hand that had been around her waist and tangled it in silky red hair. I heard her moan into my mouth and then felt her cup my cheek. To my extreme and utter disappointment I felt her pull away.

“Buffy? Did you just kiss me?” She sounded like she was in complete awe. I took that as a good sign so I decided to bite the bullet.

“I love you Will, more than anything, more than anyone.”

“You do?” And before I knew what was happening she had rolled me onto my back and was kissing me with wild abandon.

“I love you too Buffy, I always have, that’s why it was just so hard to let you go,” I stroked her cheek and then turned her around and grasped her around the waist, spooning her from behind and resting my chin on her shoulder.

“So tell me Will, where do we go from here?” I gently laughed in her ear, kissing the lobe gently as I felt her chuckle gently beside me, apparently remembering our little group number as much as I did.

“I don’t know Buffy, I just know that this feels perfect. Just don’t let go, don’t ever let me go,”

“Never” I tightened my grasp and pulled her as close as possible. For the first time in 6 months, with Willow wrapped firmly in my arms, I felt alive.

The End (For Now At Least)

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