TITLE: The Writer

AUTHOR: Angelina

EMAIL: angelina2006@hotmail.com

DISCLAIMER:All characters belong to Touchstone Television

SUMMARY: Ummmm...I don't know really...

DISTRIBUTION: If you want it e-mail me – I'll say yes.

AUTHOR'S NOTES: All feedback welcome. OK ages ago I promised Jos that he could have a cameo in one of my fics. As I haven't been able to write my Series fics I decided just to do a stand-alone for him. This story is not meant to be taken seriously by any stretch of the imagination...it's just good clean fun.

Dedication: To Jos.

The students of Kennedy High were milling around in the cafeteria. They appeared to be speaking, but they're extras so we don't get to hear what they're saying…probably missing out on some hot gossip but never mind. Weaving through the masses, we eventually arrive at the table where the main characters are all conveniently seated together having lunch. Or breakfast. Or some meal, it's hard to tell at Kennedy coz they seem to be in the cafeteria eating on at least three separate occasions per day. There's Lily was sitting on Josh's lap, trying to force feed him some naturally occurring meat substitute. Carmen was debating over whether her Glamazon warm-up suit would fit if she ate, well just about anything even halfway interesting. Harrison was playing with his food, scowling like the world has done him a disservice. And last but not least, we have Sam and Brooke. Sitting next to each other. Try to remember, they're mortal enemies who don't like each other…it's difficult sometimes so keep it in mind. You could possibly stick a post-it note to your monitor or your TV screen or whatever.

`But wait' I hear you, the reader, exclaim. `There's only one blonde in this here equation!' Well, unless you count Josh, then that's two…and Lily's highlights turn her into a semi-blonde, that's two and a half. But yes, you'd be right. Only one third of the Blonde Trio is present. Where are the other two? Never fear, you won't have to wait long.

"Well, howdy y'all!"

An ear-drum bashing voice interrupted any mundane conversation that happened to be taking place around the table as one of the erstwhile absent blondes fought her way through non-speaking extras desperate to get their faces on-screen…or in-fic. Mary Cherry finally reached the table, grinning widely and hiding someone behind her back.

"How y'all doin' on this fahn schoolday?"

Mumbles along the lines of `fine' and `just dandy' were uttered in response to the enthused Ms Cherry's enquiry.

"Never mahnd all a that! Ah have sumthin' ta show y'all!"

Mary Cherry's eyes grew wide as she awaited the inevitable barrage of excitement that would no doubt be flooding her way. After a minute or so she accepted that one raised eyebrow and a single turned head was as good as she was going to get.

"Friends, Kennedians, Brunettes, may Ah present to you the burnin' hunka manhood that gets the honour, the privilege of bein' mah current love interest. Ah'm sure y'all will be thrilled ta meet him…'cept you Joe, but Ah'm afraid that your jealously will hafta be kept under control…everyone, this is The Wrahter!"

With a game-show hostess flourish, Mary Cherry yanked the poor soul out from behind her back. The interest level rose somewhat at this revelation…Mary Cherry had a boyfriend? The table's occupants turned to scrutinise the newcomer. He appeared to be a tall thin youth with shiny blonde hair and blue eyes. Said eyes were currently filled with utmost terror and confusion. He nervously adjusted his glasses and offered a hesitant smile to his `girlfriend's' acquaintances.

Sam took pity on the poor boy and spoke up.

"Hi there, I haven't seen you around school before…are you a transfer student? And I didn't quite catch your name…" She prompted before Mary Cherry jumped in to explain further.

"Well, it's kinda a long story, remember that cobweb thingie we found on the computer?"

"The website we found on the internet? Which one would that be Mary Cherry? There are gazillions of the things." Sam asked.

"Y'all know the one Ah'm talkin' about! The one with the stories that the people had wrote about us!" Mary Cherry looked around expectantly…surely none of them had forgotten about that site in a hurry.

Sam pretended to inspect her nails while she answered nonchalantly.

"Oh yeah…Shadow's realm or something like that right?"

Brooke nudged her.

"Don't pretend like you don't know Sam, it's bookmarked on your computer. I've seen it!" she exclaimed.

Sam blushed and frowned at Brooke.

"OK, OK, it's called `From the Realm of the Shadow'. And we all know what's there…it's about us girls having relationships with each other…and we've all been visiting it…right guys?"

Sheepish nods confirmed her suspicions.

"It's not like it's based in reality or anything right? It's just a bit of harmless fun. I mean, it's not like we'd ever be…that way inclined…right?" Carmen ventured.

A chorus of agreement loudly gave her the answer. Meanwhile The Writer was looking a little confused. Mustering his courage he spoke over the insistent denials of any feelings resembling the ones in the stories.

"So…uh, excuse me for saying this…but if none of you are in relationships, why is Brooke's hand on Sam's thigh?"

Five heads whipped around to look at the couple. They stared quite intently for a number of seconds before turning back to The Writer with dubious looks on their faces.

"Uh…both of Brooke's hands are on the table, Mr The Writer…can't you see that?" Lily asked, while playing with Josh's earlobe.

The Writer quickly turned to look at Brooke and saw that her hand was most definitely resting on Sam's thigh. As he continued to look she started rubbing her hand up and down sensuously. He looked up and caught her eye, she smiled smugly. Sam leaned towards him and whispered.

"Denial's a wonderful thing."

Then she leaned back and draped her arm around the back of Brooke's chair. No-one batted an eyelid. The Writer nodded his head in understanding. The friends were obviously heavily in denial about what was going on…which seemed strangely familiar to him somehow.

"So…we never did catch your actual name." Brooke prodded again.

"It's…"

"Lahk Ah wuz sayin before y'all decided ta just go an' have yer own little conversations…remember that site we found in the net?"

"We covered that already, Mary Cherry." Harrison said and then sighed.

"Thanks Joe…well anyway, ah wuz readin' the stories on there, well Ah mean Ah got one of the servants ta read them ta me…and pursonally Ah happen to thing there's a real lack of Mary Cherry in them…but anyways we got to these stories where Sam is a boy and Brooke is a Lady and Nic is a Dragon and…"

"The `Lord Sam and Lady Brooke' stories, they're great!" Sam said, nodding enthusiastically.

"Ah'm glad you agree with ma own literararary assessment Samantha. And that Mage Cherry is such hoot! The woman is such a wit."

Mary Cherry broke into maniacal laughter which went on for quite some time and ended as suddenly as it had begun, startling everyone present.

"Anyways, Ah decided that the guy who wrote this story must be in love with me…so Ah had Momma ship him over for me and here he is" she said, indicating The Writer.

All eyes turned to him.

"So you must be Jos then?" Carmen asked.

Jos, that's The Writer for any slow people in the audience, nodded and gave a nervous laugh, unsure of how the stars of his fic would react to him in `real life'.

"An' since Ah discovered what a little studpuppy he is…Ah think Ah maght just hear weddin' bells chimin' in the distance…don't you Jossy?"

Mary Cherry leaned her head on Jos' shoulder and looked up at him adoringly. Jos, whose complexion was already quite pale, now resembled alabaster as the shock of Mary Cherry's statement sank in.

"I...uh…ummmm…I think I need to sit down." Jos said.

He hurriedly pulled out the chair next to Sam and collapsed into it. Mary Cherry pulled up another chair directly beside him and proceeded to blow into his ear provocatively. He tried his best to ignore her.

"So…Jos, you like writing stories about two women together huh?" Josh asked, smiling and nodding.

"Well, yeah, I guess so…but it's more to do with emotions and romance than sex or anything." Jos explained.

"Except that Pain thing right? That's hot!" Josh asked, receiving a slap from Lily.

"Is that the one where I dominate Brooke?" Sam asking, smiling lasciviously.

"No, that's the one where I dominate you, idiot." Brooke countered.

"No way, I'm the dominant one, you're definitely the submissive one…you're so much more shy and quiet than I am!" Sam replied, amazed that Brooke could think she was the dominatrix in the relationship.

"Oh yeah, coz I can see me wearing a black collar to school…tramp."

"Which of us did you guys think was the dominant one?" Sam threw the question open to the group, secure that they'd agree with her.

"Well, I actually thought it was Brooke." Carmen said.

"Yeah, totally, I never saw it any other way…sorry Sam." Lily added.

"I didn't realise that the names weren't mentioned to be honest…it just always seemed like the submissive one was you Sam."

Harrison cringed under the stare Sam was sending his way. Sam sat back with her arms crossed, not pleased in the slightest with the interpretations of the story. Then an idea popped into her head. She turned to face Jos.

"Well let's get it from the horse's mouth, so to speak. Tell us Jos, am I the dominant one?"

Sam's eyes pleaded with Jos to say yes. Before he could answer Mary Cherry piped up.

"Well, ta be honest, Ah always thought that Ah wuz the submissive one and Lil' Lily wuz weildin' the whip…but that's just me."

Mary Cherry smiled at Lily. Lily put down her bowl of chickpeas and pushed it away in disgust at this thought.

"I can't say who is who yet…it'd spoil it for the readers." Jos said diplomatically, ignoring Sam's pout.

"So, other than the Pain thing…did you like my stuff?" he asked, cautious hope tingeing his voice.

"We all love the `Lord Sam' stuff," Brooke gushed, "It's just so damn funny! And the other thing…the crossovery thing…that's cool too. And the Vampire one is great! I love it how I'm so…bad! Your earlier stuff….the pairings kinda caused some…uh…some…"

"Bloodshed?" Sam supplied.

"Well, not quite…but some people weren't too happy with…"

"OUTTA MY WAY DWEEBETTE!"

Brooke cringed at the sound of that voice.

"…who they were going out with?" she managed to finish.

Before the words were fully out of Brooke's mouth Jos felt himself being lifted, turned and slammed onto his back on the table. Ice blue eyes penetrated into his skull from above and a vice-like hand had attached itself to the front of his shirt.

"Uh…hey Nicole!" He managed weakly.

Nicole turned to Mary Cherry.

"Is this the guy you were babbling about on the phone last night?"

Mary Cherry nodded. Nicole turned the arctic gaze back to a quivering Jos.

"So…you're the guy who saw fit to pair me up with Spam McFurryson? When she was a freakin' werewolf? Are you mentally unhinged?"

"Umm…" Jos fumbled for a decent explanation.

"C'mon Satan, he's obviously seen the error of his ways. He doesn't write about me and you anymore…thank all that's heavenly for that." Sam said, crossing herself.

"Oh no, no he doesn't write about me and Spam anymore. No, now I'm a goddamn Dragon who goes out with Lily! Lily for God's sake! Have I done something to offend you, geek?" Nicole asked, in her usual sensitive way.

"No, I just…well I just though you made a cute couple…and I'm not the only one you know there are more…"

"Oh we're talking about Aeryn Sunshine now are we? Who also wants to punish me by putting me with the big-headed dwarf!"

"Hey!" Josh and Lily spoke in unison. Lily continued.

"You think I'm happy about it Nicole? I'm the only one of you lot with a steady boyfriend and still I get stuck having relationships with psychos all the time. There was one time I was soooo close to getting Sam in one of Aeryn's stories and then Brooke swoops in and steals her away…and I'm left with Nicole…and I'm not even gonna get started on that one where I'm lusting after Mary Cherry."

"Yeah raght hun, anythin' you say…Ah'm still convinced you wrote that story your own self and sent it in under a false name…funny that Angelina girl's never written anythin' but Sam and Brooke except that one sto…"

Mary Cherry's voice trailed off as Nicole released her hold on Jos who quickly slid back into his seat. Nicole turned back to face Mary Cherry.

"I thought we were never going to mention that name again, Mary Cherry." Nicole's voice was scarily calm.

"Sorry Nic, Ah forgot, Ah won't do it again." Mary Cherry said, humbly.

"What's up with Angelina?" Jos whispered to Sam.

"She made Nicole kiss Mary Cherry, which I thought was kinda funny, but Nicole didn't take it too well. She's sworn vengeance on Angelina and all of her kin." Sam replied, grinning.

"Oh"

Jos nodded and made a mental note never to pair Nicole with Mary Cherry in a fic. Silence had settled over the table and Jos saw this as an opportunity to leave. He stood up.

"Uh, well, I really should be getting back now…there's a lot of fic I still have to write and my fans get a little testy if I don't post something regularly. So I'll bid all of you adieu."

Mary Cherry grabbed his wrist.

"But Jossy, honey, Ah thought we wuz getting' hitched in Holy Matrimony?" she asked, desperately.

Jos searched his brain for an excuse and decided on an old faithful.

"Sorry Mary Cherry, I'd love to…but I'm gay."

"What? Is this gay stuff catchin'? Every man Ah meet and ask on a date turns out ta be gay…what is the world comin' to?"

Mary Cherry shook her head in amazement. Jos sighed with relief, until he saw the `come-to-bed' eyes Josh was giving him.

"OK then, so I'll be going now…" Jos tried again to leave.

"WAIT!"

Nicole's voice stopped Jos in his tracks. He turned back to the group.

"As long as you're here you might as well be of some use. I think a few of us have some grievances about the way we're treated in this fanfic stuff. I think you should take a note of them and show them to your colleagues back at this Shadow page thing."

Jos sighed. If it meant that he could leave afterwards he would have agreed to anything…well, almost. He pulled out a pad and pencil.

"OK, hit me with it."

Several hours and many more cups of coffee later the list was finished. It wasn't all that long but each point had provoked a discussion, or an argument, or a fist fight…so it had taken quite some time to get through it. A weary Jos stood up and held the pad out in front of him. He cleared his throat before speaking.

"OK, Number One, Nicole would like Angelina's head on a stick. Number Two, Nicole would prefer not to be paired with anyone who is a Brunette or a psychotic Texan. Number Three, Sam would like Aeryn to write more `Connecting the Dots'…"

"I still say that's sick, wanting me to be hurt instead of you." Brooke pointed out huffily.

"Let's review shall we? I got hit by a car that was meant for you, lost my voice and the use of my legs, got disowned by two of my friends and my Step-Father, had to run away, got hit by a jerk with a hockey stick and therefore was paralysed again, had to go to therapy, got my arm broken in a car crash, was in a totally abusive relationship to save your ass, yet again, committed suicide and generally have had to take shit from you…now does one little collision with a tree compare to that? I think not. And that's only the stuff I can remember."

Brooke thought for a second.

"OK then, I suppose she can write the story, carry on."

Then she leaned over and kissed Sam fully on the lips. Again none of their friends seemed to notice. Jos shook his head and continued.

"Number four, Sam would like someone to write something where she is the sexy, confident one and hopes she was the one being `ridden' in Tasha's latest fic. Number five, Harrison would like to be portrayed as something other than a moody, homophobic jerk…can't promise you anything on that one Harrison I'm afraid."

Harrison sighed and Jos carried on.

"Number six, Josh would like to be portrayed as slightly less dumb than seems to be the norm."

Josh nodded vehemently. Lily patted Josh's head and gave him a lollipop which he unwrapped with glee.

"Number seven, Carmen would like to appeal to Carla, whose stories she loves, to write more of them. Number eight, Nicole reiterates her desire not to be paired with brunettes. Number nine, Sugar Daddy popped along briefly to ask why he's not really in fic for very long and didn't even merit his own Telling section in Aeryn's series. And then he left. Number ten, Brooke requests that RedGirl posts an update of Violet before she spontaneously combusts with anticipation. Number eleven, Sam would like Anne from `Mer Girl' to meet a sudden and unfortunate end so that she can dump Harrison as quickly as possible. Number 12, Harrison and Brooke object to the previous item as Brooke likes Anne and Harrison is just insulted. Number 13, Mary Cherry wants some action, any action…especially with Lily. Number 14, Lily will abandon her pacifistic morals and personally hunt down and kill anyone who agrees to number 13. Number 15, Brooke would like to commend Casandra for having the courage to do what the show writers never did with `Baby don't do it' and `Mary Charity'. Number 16, Having just been informed that there is a whole list devoted to them, the characters plan to join it and monitor the goings on there. Number 17, Brooke and Sam want it known that they are mortal enemies and are in no way romantically involved with each other…despite the fact that Sam's hand is down the front of Brooke's pants as we speak."

Again, all eyes turned to the pair in question, only to turn back and look at poor Jos in pity. He was obviously reading his own fiction too much, either that or he was deluded. Sam's hands were both clearly holding a cup of coffee. Jos sighed and continued.

"And finally, Number 18, the characters wish it to be known that they reserve the right to kidnap any author who violates the above list and torture them in ways the see fit. The end."

"That's not a very original en…" Sam began.

"It's as original as it's going to get after four hours of listening to you lot!" Jos snapped, surprising everyone, including himself. He cleared his throat. "Um, sorry, look can I go now?" he pleaded.

"Well, seein' as your gay and all Ah suppose Ah can let you go back…Ah'll call up ma Momma and have her send the Lear Jet ta the parkin' lot ta pick you up. It'll be there in five minutes."

Mary Cherry put her fist to her mouth and heroically held back the tears for her lost chance at love. Jos grinned in relief.

"Thank you Mary Cherry…and you know, if I wasn't…you know, gay, I'm sure we could have got married! Anyway, I'll deliver this list to the other authors for you. Bye now!"

Jos was about to point out that Sam and Brooke were now having full sex on the lunch table but decided that it was a futile cause and turned and sprinted out as fast as his legs would carry him. He reached the parking lot and eagerly searched the skies for his first glimpse of freedom. He was so focused on getting home that he didn't hear someone coming up behind him. So the hand on his shoulder made him jump and shriek in a less than manly manner. He spun around and found himself looking at Josh who was smiling shyly.

"Uh, I just wanted to say, you know, bye and stuff. And if you're ever in the neighbourhood again maybe we could…I dunno…hook up? Think about it."

And with that Josh patted Jos' butt, turned around and left an open-mouthed author in shock. Luckily the jet had arrived and Jos climbed in, attempting to block out what had just happened. He was finally going back home to his own little world where Sam could be a vampire and Nicole could be a dragon. And Josh would never, ever again lay a hand on his butt.

THE END.

Additional note: All fic mentioned in this story can be found at the wonderful and lovely Kim's site: http://www,realmoftheshadow.com

PS To all authors mentioned in the fic, please don't be offended by anything (not that I think there's anything offensive in here*g*), I love each and every one of your fics. And authors who are not mentioned - don't be offended, I was working on the theory that they'd stumbled across a single internet page.