Title: Good Luck

Author: A.M. Glass

E-Mail: glasswrks@yahoo.com

Copyright: January 1, 2005

Rating: G

Disclaimer: The characters from “All My Children,” belong respectively to Agnes Nixon, A.B.C. and the Disney Co. No copyright infringement is intended or inferred. The story along with any/all original characters are the sole property of the author and cannot be used without expressed permission first.

Author’s Note: This is an ANGST filled piece. ‘Nuff said. This is a Lena/Bianca fic.

Feedback: Would like to know what you think about it.

I tried to contact you three times earlier this morning as it’s New Years and I wanted to wish you a “Happy” one. I didn’t get to you obviously. I’m not sure now if I should try again. I’m divided about it. A part of me wants to, as I haven’t missed one in almost eight years. The part of me that doesn’t, is trying very hard to adhere to my resolution: speaking with you only once a month. However, I’m not sure if I can do it. I know I told you that I would do my best in not bringing up certain subjects that make you uncomfortable, in turn making me feel worse for mentioning it in the first place.

It’s so hard to imagine that our relationship has come down to this: I’m in love with you, but you aren’t with me. How stupid am I for not recognizing what I had? What we had.

I was happy with you though you might not believe me. Knowing you as I think I do, you should get that frown off your face it doesn’t belong there. You’re not the one to blame, I am. I’ll live with that for the rest of my life. I’m not trying to make you feel guilty and I can’t believe I’m doing it again. If you could see me right now, you’d see me shaking my head. Here I am, doing it again. Bringing it up after writing that I wasn’t going to. When will I ever learn?

How did you let go? Can you tell me? Can you give me an idea? I want – not really – to learn to let you go. I don’t want to have those feelings – the memories of what we were in my heart anymore. I... it hurts so much and to think I put you through that sickens me. How were you able to do it? Why did you for so long? How could you put up with my inability to feel as you did?

How?

I guess it’s a pretty good thing you’re not here anymore. If you were I don’t think I’d be able to control myself and I’d do something silly and ruin what’s left of what we have. And that’s something I’m not willing to take a chance on, part of me believes, hopes that one day you might change your mind – that you’d open your heart one more time.

I don’t know how to forget you.

I think it would help if I stopped listening to the audiotape you made me, but I need it. I listen to your voice – listen to the stories you’ve written for me, back when I meant something to you. To hear your recollections of our first time together is magical. I try to imagine that you’re lying next to me, whispering everything you remember. All of your doubts – your hopes for the future and your feelings. Does this make me a masochist? Probably. It hasn’t stopped me, though I should figure out how to transfer it to a CD, so I won’t wear out the tape.

Would I suffer to get you back? I think I already am.

Would I hold on to you with everything I have?

Yes.

Could I love you? BE in love with you?

Without question.

Could you love me?

That’s the question I had the answer to.

Could I answer it now?

Yes.

Would I choose correctly?

Yes.

The answer would be: No.

You could – do love me, but you aren’t in love with me.

What I wouldn’t give to have your heart once more. I would never let a day go by without you knowing how I felt for you, how we feel for you.

I’m grateful that you haven’t shut yourself out of Miranda’s life. She asks about you all the time and I’m glad she’ll be visiting you for her birthday. I wish she wasn’t the only thing binding us together. She, like her mother loves you very much and is sad each time she comes home.

I’ve tried to explain to her why you’re not here with the two of us. Maybe when she’s older she’ll understand, or perhaps she’ll be angry with me for letting you go.

I see I’ve strayed off course again, I’m sorry.

I guess I should just do what I started to earlier and that is wishing you a Happy New Year Lena and good luck with your new job at the publishing company.

From your... friend,

Bianca.