TITLE: Something Bad (No, I mean, that's the title...)

SERIES: Spam & Umad (Popular/Buffy X-over A.U. #9)

AUTHOR/E-Mail/FB: Snarlsnout@yahoo.com

PAIRING/RATING: Sam/Dawn, Nic/Willow, MC/? PG-15ish

DATE: October into Decemberish...2002

DISCLAIMERS: J Whedon (Buffy)/R Murphy (Popular)

ARCHIVED: Shadow & Aurora

SPOILERS: Slammin' all S7 Buffy (to date 7.07); emphasis on Gnarl

SUMMARY: (The usual) Wimmens & weird-ass mojo/Sam bonds w/ future "sis-in-law" Buffy during yet another prerequisite Dawn rescue... may even attempt to pass this off as my gala holiday extravaganza!

A/N: My idea-bouncy-girl's "pretzel logic" contained within...

"Alright! I'm coming!" Sam snarled as she stumbled down the darkened Palace hallway towards the insistent--nay, obsessant--doorbell. And the thing was, if she'd had a couple more minutes to enjoy her rudely interrupted dream, she probably would've been...

Crash! Stubbing her bare toes on the small table outside Brooke's partially open door...The blonde's chainsaw-esque snoring not missing a beat...Past the 'rentals suite--Thank the Goddess that door was closed! From the sound of it, it was the weekly installment of "Mike McDragQueen"..."Argh! Get a room!" Sam groaned, too groggy for the obvious to sink in...

Down the stairs; in the foyer with the hall clock faintly glowing it's 3:20 A.M. diligence. Anger over-riding any concerns for safety as she unlocked the front door and flung it wide---

"What the hell--?!? Nicole?" Sam managed to sputter before the highly agitated little blonde jerked her down the sidewalk and flung her into her idling Porsche roadster.

"It's b-bad Spam...It's really bad," was all Nic could offer, brushing errant tears from her cheeks, slamming the car into gear and speeding off.

Unnoticed by our dynamic duo, or any other resident of the plush suburban neighborhood, was the inconspicuous "Quadruple A Plumbers" van that had been parked across from the Palace for the past several weeks. Even the roof-mounted 8 ft. plastic toilet failed to register in the collective consciousness; not even when it rotated, the lid  raised and a strange periscope rose up from the bowl...

"Whale...Mah constunt vigolance haz finully paid off!" the van's inhabitant smirked, "Lil Nicky has abscounded mah betrothed for a clandestien midnight rond-aview!" Evil Overlady Mary Cherry (who else were you expecting?) secured the periscope and wiggled into the driver's seat, manuevering the instantly forgettable vehicle into a hot (and stealthy!) pursuit.

Both vehicles stopped once on the entrance ramp to "The 10" as Nic put the convertible top up in concession to Spam's "I'm c-c-cold" whimpers. After all, she had drug the brunette out clad only in her threadbare "Yummy Sushi!" pajamas...Completely unnoticed, the only other vehicle on the road, stopped a good twenty feet behind them; the driver fuming at the site unfolding in her high beams...

An encore of "It's b-bad Spam..." was all the further info Our Girl could glean from the intense blonde as she deftly maneuvered the sports car in excess of 90 mph. Sam's sense of dread escalating as she soon recognized the route to Sunnydale. They both remained completely oblivious to the van behind them matching it's quarry swerve for swerve.

Mary Cherry's maniac stare shifted momentarily to the rear-view mirror as she muttered curses at the coyote who'd just barely escaped-

a) road-kill status
b) her gullet (savory, broiled in lemon, w/ spring potatoes & salad)
c) becoming a swank new fall wrap or mittens.

Finally the sleek roadster skidded to a halt, blocking 2/3's of Revelo Drive. It's two near hysterical passengers bailed out and ran up to the familiar porch. The van, it's cloak of anonymity still intact, slowed and parked across the street. The commode rotated N-NE 37 degrees; the lid raised and performed it's actual duty as a huge, gain-boost parabolic microphone. Mary Cherry donned her headphones and tweaked controls in her mobile command center...Two houses down (and probably not in this story) The Trioka rushed to tweak controls in their mobile command center due to some sudden, unexplainable interference...

Nicole continued her frantic knocking even as the front door was replaced by Willow's forehead.

"Hey!" the redhead winced; then "OWW!" as she doubled over with the greater pain in her heavily bandaged little tummy...She gingerly exchanged a few reassuring, comforting hugs with a greatly relieved Nicole; the blonde exhibiting a previously unknown empathy/nurturing/compassionate feeling for the Wiccan's wounds...

Meanwhile behind them as they blocked the doorway, Sam was frantic for any sign of her Sweet Baboo. She was bouncing hyperly; trying to peer over their shoulders/around the corner..."Dawn?!? Baby?!?"

In the mobile command center Mary Cherry frantically adjusts the settings on her receiver/recorder apparati, picking up odd snippets of the conversation transpiring in the open doorway--

"...Doctor...Gnarl...two to three pounds of lost flesh...stomach... no visible/permanent scars..."

--when it dawned on her--Nicole had found a Dr. with a new fad diet and was attempting to keep it secret from her! And after she'd shared that highly restricted elephant laxative "Convulse" with Nic and Popita in their weight-control preparations for the Sadie Hawkins Dance! "It's tip-acul! Tip-acul!--" she silently fumed as she tweaked the eavesdrop ping device to it's optimal "5 by 5" setting for the remainder of the exchange...

"Thank the Goddess you're OK hun--I was SO worried!"

"Well, still be a while before I'm sporting the belly-shirts," the redhead smiled goofily, then "Wha---? OWWW!" as Sam shoved them both out of the way and crashed into the living room.


"See? Completely pose-able!" Anya quipped with glee as she displayed her latest living sculpture. Flourishing a wave like a game show model she presented the room with Poor Petrified Dawn laying on her back on the sofa, her legs upright at a 90 degree angle. Xander and Buffy making with the mirth as Sam heard the faintest whimper escape from her Sweet Baboo's moist, immobile lips...

"S-S-Sam.." Buffy began nervously, trying to head the brunette off. "Something bad has happened." she understated. "This, this thing attacked Dawn and Willow-it's scratches are posinousness-it p-paralyzes it's victims--"

"For some reason Dawnie's more susceptible" Willow began as she joined the Slayer in consoling Sam. "B-but we think we found the cure--well Dawn did--she's like Net-Girl Jr, or something!--" the redhead swelled with pride that her young friend had followed in her footsteps. "H-here on ~gollumwannabe.com~--it says the effect can be reversed by killing this Gnarl creature that inflicted it..."

"B-b-but, it's like really icky," Anya contributed, "You have to get close enough to gouge it's eyes out...Plus the cave's strewn with your various viscera and flailed skin strips; I'm talking Lectorpalooza."

Sam shook off Willow and Buffy and slammed the glib ex-vengeance demon against the wall, pinning her with a forearm to the throat, she snarled--"I'm talking about watching my lover become stiff as a board-- if I was into guys that might be a good thing--but I don't know what you're talking about and I don't care!" She turned to the others,  challenging--"This thing's going down--who's with me?"

Xander and Anya exchange brief, nervous glances then launch into "stammering, apologetic mode"--They'd love to help "but they um, they had that...that thing previously scheduled" and of course were late even as they spoke...Willow shot a glare at Nic, then made an apparently valiant attempt at the call to arms by grabbing a nearby sword--before suddenly doubling over, wincing in pain.

Poor, gullible Buffy--"Will! You can't possibly go; you're hurt to bad! Why don't you stay here with (look of disdain) Nicole--see if you guys can find out anything else on the Internet." The Slayer turned towards Sam just missing the heavy sighs of relief from Nic and the Wiccan--"Looks like it's just you and me Samson..."

Sam cringed at the memory of the last time she and Buffy had been alone together in a cave (Spam & Umad #5--Rosemary Cherry's Baby!) but knew she was way out of her element here, and needed all the help she could get.

Buffy grabbed Sam's arm, did a quick double-take of the brunette's vaguely familiar attire, and then herded them to the still-open front door. A pathetic, muffled bleat from Poor Petrified Dawn brought Sam rushing back to her side. Buffy, intuitively reading her kid sister's true intent, grabbed the sword from Nicole who was using the blade's mirror-like finish to touch up her lip-gloss.

"That's my sister's!" the Slayer growled, then presenting it to a totally befuddled Sam, "I think she'd want you to have it..."

"OK, now this is where my life stops making sense" Sam thought to herself. 2-3 months ago she'd have never thought herself in a conversation with (not only) the term "my girlfriend"--but now "my girlfriend's sword"--not even taking into consideration the fact that she was in her pajamas, 130 miles from home, in the dead of night, with a room full of strangers, steeped in some weird-ass mojo...

"Meep ma-reep mleep bleep maw-eep!" Dawn strained, altho she'd quite clearly intended "Taste my blade, Spawn of Evil!"--and as that had always been one of Sam's pet names for her arch-nemesis Nicole, it was probably better left indecipherable...

"Of course! I'm sorry Dawnie!" Willow gushed. Then despite the ~overwhelming pain~ she bubbled to Sam "You should see her with it Spammie! She's so adorable--like a little Frodo Baggins or something--only...without the furry feet...at least I think... altho she has been getting better-than-average mileage out of that one pair of socks..." rapidly losing momentum as Buffy gathered her arsenal and her apprentice-for-the-evening.

"I love you baby!" Sam cooed, sniffling back the waterworks, "We'll get this thing!"


Buffy stopped Sam short at the front door, grabbing some huge, floppy rubber goulashes for the brunette's bare feet. Even Nicole pitching in by removing her prized Glamazon cheerleader jacket and draping it over the shivering girl's PJ-clad shoulders.

The two warriors headed down the sidewalk, Sam wondering how she always manages to look like a buffoon next to some suicide blonde--in this case Buffy looking totally buff in her black leather pants and fightin' axe...

"I used a locator spell earlier--Gnarl's in the abandoned cave near campus," Willow yelled after them with enough shrillness that both Mary Cherry and Jonathon cringed and flung off their headphones...even Spike lurki--er, um, standing about in the bushes overheard...and he was just out for a walk...bitch.


"Huh?" Willow asked absent-mindedly; lost in the depths of cyberspace.

"I said," came Nic's muffled reply from the living room, "Now's the perfect chance! I mean, aren't you the least bit curious about what Our Girl Spam's cuddling up with?"

Poor Petrified Dawn would've gulped had she been able to, alas, all she can do is squeak and mentally cower in the face of Nicole's wicked, lustful leer as the blonde makes lurid, gropey- squeezy hand motions aimed at the young brunette's Poor Petrified Breasts...

"Nic!" Willow started to chastise her lover as she entered to find Poor Petrified Dawn (PPD) posed precariously on the edge of the coffee-table, arms flung back like the wings of an old 1940's Mercury hood ornament. Maybe it was the fact that Nicole had slipped PPD into that Sunnydale JV Letter jacket she'd found in the hall coat-rack that gave the redhead pause. Maybe it was the fact that she'd never really noticed how attractive PPD was until now--and yeah, now did kind of seem like a golden opportunity...(to pose, I suppose--who knows?)

"Are you thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?"

"Naked pretzel?!?"


"Target in motion" MC muttered to herself as she tracked Her Intended and that scrawny blonde girl visually thru her Toiletron (TM). She hastily slipped into her Initiative-surplus camo-fatigues, night-vision field-glasses, and Prada "All-Terrian" combat footwear. She gave a finally tweak to her surveillance equipment--to keep gathering/ processing data in her absence, then slid out quietly, following the two girls at a discreet distance until they turned into the woods.

Sam was a fairly rough-&-tumble girl, but face it she was from the city--these woods were creeping her out. They're so dark...and there's things scurrying around; making noises, going to the ~bathroom~ eating other things that were scurrying around. Plus she felt totally vulnerable (and ridiculous) in her present Bozo-esque attire. She followed
Buffy under some low-hanging branches that instantly entangled in her full, unruly brown mane.

She uncharacteristically squealed; standing there helpless and shaking as Buffy rushed to her aid, untangling the branches, cooing soft comforting reassurances...

"Just go on without me," Sam blubbered, "I'm useless! How can I help my girlfriend when I can't even help myself..."

Buffy had always held Sam at a distance. If she accepted Sam she would have to accept Dawn's orientation as well. It should be easier, what with Willow breaking that ground--first with Tara, now that...new one (shudder). Guess it hits a little closer to home when it's your kid sister. But still, alone here, pulling stray twigs out of the brunette's rat nest...attempting to smooth it down... stroking it's softness...there was no denying--this girl was frickin' beautiful!

Sam was totally freaked--her girlfriend's sister was putting the moves on her--NOW!?! She tried to pull back as Buffy continued stroking her hair, brushing some dirt off her face; her shoulders... Pulling Sam closer by the lapels of her jacket, nestling her head on Sam's shoulder as she stroked the Glamazon jacket tenderly and--

"OMG! Sam--it's the jacket! It's like a curse or something--Quick! Take it off--er, um, turn it inside-out or something..."

Sam muttered some choice comments about Nicole as she reluctantly shed the foul (but warm) garment and refitted it lining side out. She looked questionly at Buffy, who moved in hesitantly as if to test the effect. The blonde grabbed her head in both hands, tenderly caressing her cheeks with her thumbs, and looked deeply into Sam's big, brown Bambi eyes. Which she fluttered uncontrollably now, half anticipating the blonde's slow, sensuous kiss...

"Whew!" Buffy sighed. "There! See? Total repulsion!" She smiled. Sam reluctantly returning a big, goofy grin but she noticed the blonde still hadn't let go...

"Samson--you are pretty much the doofus--but you're the only one willing to risk everything for Dawn...That goes a long way in my book...I think Little Sister has chosen wisely, and well." Both girls were tearing up now but Buffy knew they had to reign it in-- "C'mon."


Unbeknownst to our two heroines, Spike had slipped into the woods directly behind them; directly in front of Mary Cherry's stealth, Ninja-like pursuit. He observed the emotional exchange, had a couple of smokes, and then moved on ahead to the cave when it became apparent there'd be no hot girl-on-girl action. MC recognized her peroxide former minion-for-hire immediately and decided to follow, letting him do all the work, then springing the trap herself--on all of them!

Switching to Evil Villainess mode, wringing her hands and leering maniacally--"Whale! The di-ha-bally-cul Ms. Julie-ann has nothin' ovah me!" Then into patented tilt-head, perplexed expression-- "Ya know Ah've seen a lot of wierd things in mah relentluss pursuit of mah 34-8-34 dream fig-hure, but I don't recall eva seen a doctor livin' in a cave...'cept that court-appointed pyschatrist in Beverly Hills..."


"OMG! Nickie--it's the jacket!" Willow screeched as she stripped the accursed garment from PPD's stiff, springy body and rushing it to the depths of the hall closet. "It's got like this lust spell on it that's making us find little Dawnie uncharacteristically sexy--"

Willow stopped short, joining Nicole as she stared at her latest creation--Dawn pirouetting in a ballerina pose clad only in her baby blue silk bra and panties.

"I don't think it's the jacket..." Nic ventured. Willow gulped.

"...meep?..." Dawn whimpered as the two women placed her in a series of erotic poses, tenderly caressing her slender limbs, her tight torso as they shifted her this way and that...Nic copping a grope whenever possible...

"She's incredible..." the redhead sighed, then turning to her lover "You know--all this naughtiness is giving me like these major lusty wrong feelings..."

Nicole smirked; she loved seeing the Wiccan get all giddy & giggly. Willow pounced on her--"Devour me!" she panted between wet sloppy kisses "Devour me from beneath!"

"Say what?!?" Nic pushed her to arms length.

"Um--sorry baby," Willow stammered, "It's what T-t-tara and I used to say--before we came out. Like code? Like a Sunnydale euphemism for 'sit on my face'?" she offered hesitantly...

"Hmmm" Nic nodded her understanding, then with a wicked grin teased, "In LA we just say 'Eat me', you know, much more direct..."

The two dissolved into a hot, horny love fest right at PPD's feet. The teenager willing every remaining nuance of body control to her eyelids to no avail..."Meep! maw-eep eepa maheepa!" (Roughly--"OMG! I can't wait to try ~that~ on my Sam-a-lamb!")


"Why does a man--or woman--do what he mustn't? For her--to be hers..." Spike bemoaned in the darkness of Gnarl's lair.

"Raght! And are thay grateful in the teensiest-weeny bit?" Mary Cherry morosely comisserated.

"Spike?!? Who the hell are you talking to?" Buffy ventured as her eyes attempted to adjust to the darkness.

"Texas here. She loves the girl...I...love the girl...Oh! You can't see her! And the girl..."

Sam looked at the blonde questionly until Buffy did the universal rotating-finger-beside-the-head gesture to indicate "Looney Tunes".

Click-Click-Click. Something slinky/slimy slithered along the far wall--"Lucky is me! Meals for free! Skin and bones wait in the light; I shall start with the Cellulite!"

"Y'all heard him--Back off!" Mary Cherry growled at Spike, "Herr Doktor will see ME furst!"


"Nog?" Willow offered as she reluctantly left the afterglow she and Nic had going while snuggling on the couch...

"Why not?--and heavy on the 'nog part..." Nic quipped to the kitchen bound redhead. She looked at their latest creation--PPD Vers. 4.0-- the young brunette draped in that godawful green bridesmaid dress Anya had designed. Nic rummaged thru the hall-closet returning with a string of small Christmas tree lights. She draped them around the teen's body and up stretched arms. Realizing the cord wasn't long  enough to reach the wall's electrical outlet, she snickered and decided to test a pet theory she'd always wondered about...

"MEEP!" Dawn squealed as the blonde snaked her hand and the light cord, inside the back of her dress, down the back of her flimsy silk panties and "MEEP!" inserted the plug in PPD's PPDerriore! (sp?)

"OMG! Nickie--it's, she's beautiful!" Willow gushed as she returned to the living room with their 3rd--or 5th--round of drinks. The lights twinkling on and off in their festive circuit-interrupting way. "She looks like a Christmas tree--I mean hello, Jewish here--but still..." she snuggled contently beside the blonde. "We weren't going to do anything special this year--the first Christmas without Joyc--Buffy's mom...but I think she'll really like this! B-but how did you get her to light up like that?"

"Well you told me she used to be like this giant Ever-ready (TM) or something--just thought I'd see if she had any residual energy left. There's plenty more decorations in the closet; ornaments, lights, tinsel and stuff--" Nic offered agreeably. "Angel on top?"

"Huh? Willow queried startled. "No! Our's was a forbidden love and-- OH! No. The star--definitely--the star on top..." (Whew!)

"Whatever..." (Girl can't hold her 'nog...)



Back to the skirmish at Gnarl's liar--Just a brief synopsis here (if we ever hope to get to the end of this f**ked-up fable)--Gnarl and Spike are the only one's aware of both Mary Cherry's presence and that of our two heroines. During the resultant turmoil, Sam and Buffy are tossed from the cave, Spike goes totally mental with the  soliloquies, and Mary Cherry finally figures out that "Herr Doktor Gnarl" is prone to some heinous malpractices...

"Out you go! But soon come back! A full meal first and then a snack!"

(Virtually) alone Mary Cherry tangles with Gnarl in a slapstick, Three Stooges inspired abuse-fest culminating in the pre-requiste hand-wavering-smack!-poke!-eye-gouging scene. As she repulsedly wipes off slimy Gnarl optical offal from her well-manicured fingers, Spike springs into action! Finding Buffy's dropped Fightin Axe, the deranged vampire lobs off the quivering flesh-eater's head and hurls both it and the axe out thru the cave opening to land at our heroines feet...

"Well...that's that..." Buffy reasoned as she helped the clinging, sickened brunette to her feet. She reached down for a big, wet slimy handful of Gnarl viscera, smearing some on Sam and the remainder on Dawn's sword.

"Look Samson--a Slayer's got a life expectancy shorter than a Cheeto. Dawn needs someone to believe in when--if I'm not around anymore. Of all the people I know--I want her new hero to be you. This is my-- gift to you," Buffy said around that heart-breakingly sad smile. "Don't disappoint me--I've came back twice already--I'll do it once more to kick your ass!"

"You won't have to Buffy" Sam smiled thru her tears, "I promise."

Buffy started to lead the trembling brunette home, when she stopped, turned back momentarily and collapsed the cave entrance sealing whatever was left inside..er, um, inside...


"OMG Y'all! We're Caged!" MC panicked, and that crazy bleach-blonde boy-toy wasn't helping anything--

"Am I flesh?" Spike queried absent-mindedly while fumbling with his zipper, "Flesh. Hard. Service the girl..." Stumbling towards MC...

"Say WHAT?!?"

He draws menacingly, excruciatingly closer--until they come together in wild abandon kissing-groping-tearing-clothes-asunder mode collapsing to the floor to have delusional, hot, hetero sex in the midst of still-warm and slippery Gnarl viscera--

"Oh Buffy!"

"Oh Spam!"


Our two battered heroines turn from Revelo drive to the sidewalk leading to 1630. Every light in the house is lit, and from the sound of it every guest at this impromptu party as well...Sam hoping against hope that her Sweet Baboo has been returned to her former Jailbait glory, rushes inside with the Slayer hot on her heels. PPD is still frozen but now as a fully decorated Christmas tree surrounded by presents. Xander and Anya have returned with a huge spread from the local Mr. Cluck's Chicken franchise, and are giving Nic and Willow a run for their money in the nog-consumpsion department. Willow and Anya shuffle Buffy off to the kitchen to help her clean up while Sam just stares mesmerized at PPD.

Xander comes up behind Sam with a pro-offered nog and a reassuring hand on her shoulder--"Don't worry, Willow's sure the spell will wear off soon. Believe it or not, stuff like this used to happen to me all the time--I was a total butt-monkey--She'll outgrow it eventually --or pass it to someone else in the spin-off..."

"C'mon everybody--Let's eat!" Anya squealed delightedly as everyone headed to the heavily-laden table, as if suddenly realizing how famished they truly were. Sam was the last to turn away, dimming the lights in the living room to let her girl's luminous shine.

"Merry Christmas baby," she whispered.


Devour This Snarlsnout Popular Main Index