TITLE: On The Road Again

SERIES: Spam & Umad # 18


DATE: March-Mayish '07

PAIRING/RATING: Sam/Dawn, "R" (violence and/or cheerleader sex)

DISCLAIMER: Joss Whedon etc own "Buffy", Ryan Murphy owns "Popular", "Samples" of CW shows belong to thier respective creators...

SPOILERS: Mostly a parody of "Grave" (S6 Buffy finale); Big chunk of S1 "Supernatural" lore...The time-line gets all wonky where everything else comes in...

SUMMARY: Sam & Dawn orb around the CW TV Network. Veronica Mars is conspicuous by it's absence but I just couldn't connect those dots, even with Aly & Charisma beseeching my BtVS loyalties...

"Gonna change the landscape,
Paint it all red."--Screaming Blue Messiahs


Plop! Flop! And Roll! Dawn and Cynical Sam bounce off the deserted, moonlit tarmac before flailing to a stop, bruised & battered.

"Argh!" Sam groaned, "I don't know why Willow can't end this "Trans-Dimensional Portal Thingy" spell, but this is getting majorly old."

Dawn limped to the side of the 2 lane blacktop to study the bullet-riddled road-sign:

Lawrence 13
Kansas City 38

"Great," she muttered, "we're in frickin' Iowa..."

She helped her sappho-lifemate to her feet. They scanned the darkened surrounds in both directions, then headed for what they hoped was "civilization".

"Look around baby, "Sam epiphanied, "We've been here before, remember? The constant rain, the coniferous tree-cover that is supposed to pass as amber waves of grain?"

About a mile down the desolate highway, they heard a loud guttural scream. They found an overgrown gravel driveway and proceeded down it cautiously, clinging to cover. Around the first bend, Sam spotted what she was positive was the Spam-mobile, her long-suffering brown '73 VW Beetle convertible. Dawn tried to point out the obvious dissimilarities: the slammed suspension, killer wide-track wheels, the plexiglass hood displaying a turbo-charged dual-port 2000cc Porsche engine bathed in purple neon. A view of the interior supported Sam tho, as the floor was littered w/ clothes, books, CDs, empty beer bottles & fast-food wrappers...

Since "portal-jumps" always take place in the nude (Sam suspiciously wondering if that's just a Nicole & Anya concoction), they were glad to find some clothing right off. Dawn sniffing at some maroon running shorts, sports bra & some ancient Nikes. Sam donning some baggy camo cut-offs, humongous "Fatboy Slim" T-shirt & flip-flops.

The reprise of the blood-curdling yowl refocused them on their mission and they crept further down the remote, winding drive. They passed a wood-pile where Dawn retrieved a small hatchet; Sam a log-splitting wedge. Around the next bend they found a shiny black Chevy pick-up. Monster lift kit & huge Mudder tires. The best part: the tailgate was down displaying a major arsenal probably only some malcontent like Freddie Gong would own, for when he eventually wreaks "Justice!" at Kennedy. Dawn tossed the hatchet and snagged a sawed-off 12 ga. pump. She racked a shell and proceeded to stuff her sole hip pocket with back-ups. Sam appeared mesmerized by twin chrome/pearl handle .45 automatics. She juggled them both expertly, pulling both slides, chambering a round.

"Um, Sam-a-lamb, when did we go all Travis Bickle?"

"Eh, like the NRA website," Sam reasoned, sighting down the barrel, "A point-and-click interface."

As they crept nearer to the decrepit farmhouse, the growls grew louder, interspersed with some ancient Latin chanting and the sickening sounds of flesh being pummelled.

"Argh! I ~hate~ Satanic rituals!" Sam flashbacked. She nodded to Dawn, and on "1...2...3!" they kicked the door open and burst in. Sam immediately tripped over a broken chair and breached the retaining circle of salt that had been holding the demon captive. The head of the blonde girl it had been inhabiting tilted back and the demon escaped in a huge black swarming cloud--complete with EVIL cackle and Whooshy sound FX.

"You idiots!" The man who had been torturing the demon screamed, as the blonde woman who'd been conducting the Excorsism ritual moved up beside him.

Dawn helped Sam to her feet and they came face-to-face with:

"Dad?!?" Sam vaguely ventured.

"M-M-Mom?!?" Dawn echoed. "W-What's that on your finger?" she braved, noticing the bright bauble as Joyce attempted to hide the leather-bound Demon manual from them.

"Joe and I are engaged, sweetie. We met on a Chupacabra safari in Puerto Veurto--"

"Look Sam, there's so much we have to catch up on," Joe began, inappropriately ogling Dawn and wagging his eyebrows suggestively to his daughter, "You know, life, what-not. But right now we really need to find that demon. We've been tracking it for weeks now and..."

"I'm sorry" Sam mumbled.

"Look," Joe hastily scribbled some directions, "Meet us at Harvelle's Roadhouse in a week. We'll get reacquainted then, I've missed you so much baby."

Their heartfelt embrace was mirrored by Joyce & Dawn's and in a blink of an eye, the adults were tearing down the driveway in the pick-up leaving Our Girls in a huge wake of dust.

Dawn and Sam stared dumbfounded at the immobile blonde girl slumped and bound to the chair in the remnants of the pentagram.

"She looks a little like Nicole..." Dawn ventured.

"Yeah...she does." Sam nonchalantly aimed the gun at the blonde's face, Dawn barely reacting in time to deflect the shot thru the wall...Sam shrugged and stuffed the pistol in her waistband.

They wandered down the drive to the Spam-mobile, Dawn nervously wondering about her girlfriend's new-found bloodlust. Sam retrieved a spare key hidden under the front fender and slid behind the wheel. They were trying to hide the firearms under the debris in the backseat, when one of them triggered a secret release; The backseat raising to display an arsenal containing everything from Ninja throwing stars to an RPG launcher...

"Sweet!" Sammy smiled one her shiniest sweet Sammy smiles.

The engine caught with a low throaty rumble as Dawn fiddled with the radio. Five stations--all "Oldies"...frickin' Iowa. She settled on the fuzzed-out guitar & harmonica boogie that was Canned Heat's 1968 "On the Road Again" as Sam popped the clutch and the V-dub blasted into the starless night.

"Well my dear mother left me when I was quite young.
(when I was quite young)
She said "Lord have mercy on my wicked son"."

Quick edit; music continues (boogie chillun'), as the brown Bug scatters a huge pile of leaves in passing and we slowly pan right to another road sign/target--

Smallville 7
Metropolis 43

"So..." Dawn nervously initiated, "Your dad and my mom, eh?"

"Never gonna happen," Sam growled. "He belongs with MY mom--this is just another fucked-up bizzaro-world," she concluded, with no thought what-so-ever for Dawn's fragile, emotional "mother-and-child-reunion" scenario...

Dawn deja'ed the vu of the Smallville High School campus almost immediately, vaguely recalling their last universe-hop to the "defunked" WB network. Sam seemed disinterested as Dawn suggested they split up--she, of course, would re-con the newspaper office to see if that hot blonde cub reporter still worked there...Sam could..."look around over there or something"...

No luck finding Chloe (altho Dawn could've sworn she spotted Spike...). She took a short-cut under the stadium bleachers and came upon a creepy old bald guy in a duster man-handling a petite brunette cheerleader. Before she could "spring into action!", all 3 were distracted by--

"Yo! Moby! Let the girl go!" Four pair of eyes tracking the laser-sight atop Sam's SKS assault rifle to the corresponding little red dot centered on Lex's crotch...He slowly brought his hands up, as Lana staggered away, gasping & rubbing her bruised throat...Dawn whisked Lana to the car as Sam slowly backed away, providing cover. Dawn started the engine and flung the passenger door open for Sam, who hesitated, then smiled wickedly and squeezed off 30 rounds on full-auto. Lex barely somersaulting to safety as the surrounding student bodies screamed and scampered for cover...Sam dove in the car giggling insanely as Dawn tore out of the parking lot completely terrified.


Dawn was unsure how much time had passed; she'd been driving in a fog, both figurative and literal, for what seemed like days. Finally surfacing to conscious thought she watched Sam in the rear-view mirror, both hands buried (and busy!) in Lana's little red, white and black cheer uniform. The two brunettes engaged in some serious tonsil-hockey... Dawn mentally kicked herself again for that previous "We could just snag babes from all these alternate universes" brain-fart that has led to this well-rooted jealousy. She knew Sam shared her view that it was just "bonus sex!"; a perk they were entitled too for all their Hair-Raising Adventures!--Universe-hopping and Saving The World and what-not, but Sam seemed to be enjoying it a little too much lately.

"I don't think we're in Kansas anymore," Dawn quietly quipped as the (literal) fog lifted and she coasted to a stop on a river-side basketball court. She briefly flashbacked to a vision of some Abercrombie & Fitch model in a battered row-boat, then pointed the Volkswagen down the main drag past the huge billboard of smiling Mayor Dan proclaiming his erectile dysfunction.

She rolled slowly past the diner, past Tric, clandestinely watching Sam & Lana in the backseat, now horizontal & humping... She turned down a quiet residential street, then slammed on the brakes as she witnessed some heinous Blonde bitch beating up on a poor innocent defenceless Brunette.

"You win Peyton..." the brunette girl whimpered as Dawn jumped in the middle of the confrontation.

"You heard her! Back off Bitch!" Dawn screeched. Peyton snarled at Brooke, kicked the last of the eggs the brunette had been pelting her house with at her, She turned and stomped inside. As Dawn was helping the slender brunette to her feet, Sam appeared beside them, casually levelled the grenade-launcher on her shoulder, and eradicated the front door, foyer, and half of the stairway of the blonde's home. She was absent-mindedly attempting to re-load when Peyton let out a blood-curdling scream from her upstairs window, startling all 3 brunettes to dive into the idling convertible and Exit! Stage Left.

"That was kind of brutal," Brooke cooed to a self-satisfied Sam, then noticing Lana clinging to her saviour's other side --"Hey Cheergirl! We're the Ravens too!"

"Actually it's more of a Crow..." Lana mumbled, not wanting to recite that whole "scarecrow/Kansas/Wizard of Oz" business.

"Sweet! Have you got a uniform?" Sam huskily inquired; leaving Dawn no choice but to drive the getaway car and sigh with forlorn frustration...


Several multi-orgasmic hours later, we find Sam propped up naked in Brooke's bed, Lana & Brooke both fully regaled in their respective "Ravens" cheerleader outfits (well, minus certain undergarments...) bouncing buoyantly on the mattress cheering Sam's praises. Dawn sits forgotten on the floor at the foot of the bed watching some lame reality show on TV.

"OMG!" Brooke squealed as she noticed the program, "Sam would ~totally~ win that America's Next Top Model contest! She is ~so~ supermodel Giselle!"

"She should do the Pussycat Doll Search too!" Lana chorused in, "Who wouldn't love to see her sing & dance in lingerie!"

Dawn had to leave the room before she gagged. She wandered down the hall to Rachel's room, where she found an entire archive of boxes, each dedicated to a different high school. She opened one at random, removed the yearbooks, scrapbooks and various stolen exam answer-keys, and found an old yellow & red cheerleader outfit like her sister Buffy sported back in the day...

Sam, Lana & Brooke frozen in dumbfounded awe at the pathetic spectacle of Dawn's attempted cheer. They actually winced when her routine culminated with a astounding "alternative ass-crash". All 3 suddenly bursting into hysterical heckles. Dawn's eyes lasering their hurt and anger to a totally oblivious Sam, who was immediately re-immersed in the revelry with her rivals...This time, Dawn stomped out of the house as well.

Lana repositioned herself from vertical to horizontal in two bounces. Sam smiled and wrapped an arm around her to pull her closer. Then she reached out for Brooke's hand indicating she should join them...

"Hey babe--," Sam hedged, "--what was your name again?"


"I'm sorry, what?"


"Come again?"

"Brooke. My name is Brooke Davis"

"I'm sorry, that's totally unacceptable" Sam declared with defiant denial. "I'll call you B. Davis...like Bette!"

"Hey, where'd that little dweeb girl go?" Lana wondered.

"Probably off Brooke-ing herself!" Sam snickered.


Dawn was walking down the sidewalk, sniffling, hugging herself against the slight chill. Completely unaware of the classic black Mercury convertible that was now shadowing her, Peyton behind the wheel plotting revenge! Sure, she might feel a little remorse for popping a fellow cheerleader, but she was a brunette...and the bitch had dissed her--that was happening way too much lately!

Nano-seconds before Peyton could hit the bright-beams and punch the accelerator, an ancient black Chevy Impala swooped in to the rescue. Peyton aborted, tires smoking.

"Get in!", from the crew-cut blonde guy riding shotgun.

"Yeah, right," Dawn smirked, mentally replaying Buffy's self-defense instructions.

"Look, she may come back." Dawn registered the sincerity in the driver's voice & crawled into the backseat. "This is my brother Dean," Dawn avoided the drooling leer and focused on the unkempt, shaggy-haired driver, "and I'm Sam."

"Figures," Dawn mumbled.

She gave them directions back to Brooke's, but when they arrived, the house was dark & the Volkswagen was gone. Dawn found the door unlocked and ventured inside. She wasn't sure which worried her more--Sam's apparent disappearance or these 2 guys following her in, fumbling with their pants. All doubt was removed, when in response to a noise from upstairs, they whipped out some serious firepower...They crept quietly up the stairs where they suddenly came face-to-frightened-face with--


"Dawnie!" Sam slowly lowered his sawed-off double barrel, while Dean (still covering them) enjoyed the view of the redhead engulfing the little brunette in a cleavegy-grinding bear-hug. "Thank the Goddess I found you! Th-th-there's something seriously wrong with this universe!"

"Tell me about it..."


It was the Impala's turn to get a little quality "cool car" screen-time as it blasted past the "Leaving One Tree Hill; Please Come Again" sign heading north on the moonlit 2 lane. Willow basked in the limelight as she supplied the necessary exposition:

"The Coven in England picked up on some EVIL brunettey energy emanating from this dimension. The end-game, of course, to funnel the planet's life-force through she-demon Proserpexa's effigy and burn the earth to a cinder."

"Of course..." all three murmured, humoring her.

"We believe Sam is unknowingly channeling this Mad Mojo and is planning to raise the old Satanic temple on Kingman's Bluff just outside of Stars Hollow--"

All four were thrown forward as Sam slammed on the brakes and the Impala skidded to the shoulder of the road.

"I can't go back there Dean!"

"Whoa, get a grip there bro. I thought you were past all that-- I guarantee she's moved on..."

"Fine. Maybe we should take a little trip to Seattle then too."

"Look guy," Dawn began nervously, "I don't know what your trauma is, but right now I need to save my girlfriend--" and pointing the shotgun to the back of his head, "--by any means necessary!"

"OK...We'll take you there," Dean surrendered, "Just chill, alright?" He was remembering his dad's warning that Sam--his Sam-- might ultimately prove EVIL, and he too would have to deal. He could totally respect the young cheerleader's cool, violent, determined demeanor...Well that, and she had a nice rack...

Sam reluctantly sets the car in motion as Willow recaptures the momentum of her monologue. She was able to follow the 2 brunettes "cosmic debris" (like a kite-string) and tracked their travels in case they needed some hands-on ~supernatural~ intervention on this side of the portal.

"Nicole's back in Sunnydale as our anchor, ready to transport us all back--I never imagined, but she's really a natural at all this occulty spells & stuff! She's like Uber-Apprentice!" Willow beamed.

"Gee, who'da thunk it...?" Dawn muttered.

Several hours/miles/states later as the sun slowly began to rise Dawn awoke to Dean's lustful leer. "So, girlfriend, huh?" he winked, raising his chin from the seatback long enough make a derogatory tounge-flicking-between-2-fingers gesture. "What about you Red? Want me to come back there and keep you company?"

"A-A-Actually," Willow nervously babbled, "Back in our universe we are all part of a Sappho-Sisterhood of EVIL-battlin' Super- Sheroes!" And as if she had to prove "that she didn't swing that way" she grabbed Dawn in a gropey-feely smooch-fest. Clandestinely eyeing Dean to see if the charade was playing, Willow was fine until Dawn hoovered the Wiccan's tongue into her mouth, then she lost all concentration...

Even Sam had to check them out in the rear-view. Dawn wasn't sure what was fueling her sudden passion--possibly retaliation for (her) Sam's wanton wanderings, or more probably, finally a chance to acknowledge & enjoy the attraction she'd always harbored for the "comely, quirky redhead". Either way she abandoned herself completely to Willow's practiced hand...and lips...and tongue.

"Yeah, that's what I'm talking about!" Dean poked & chided Sam. "What? If they aren't doing me, this is the next best thing." Sam struggled to remain above the temptation, only to be rewarded with Dean's dismissive "Fag."


"A-hem." Sam cleared his throat. "We're here."

Dawn and Willow slowly surfaced from their horny haze. Hair ruffled, lips puffy, make-up smeared and clothes in disarray, they randomly smoothed & fluffed themselves, feigning innocence, as if nothing had happened.

"Actually," Dean elaborated, "We've been here for about an hour or so...I just didn't have the heart to interrupt you."

Both girls shot him the look they reserved for chauvinist pigs and/or lesbophobes and exited the car in front of the quaint New Englandy B & B. Dean followed, Sam reluctantly bringing up the rear.

Dawn recognized the two girls in Chilton uniforms as soon as she entered the inn. They were standing in almost the same place she'd seen them on her maiden Universe-hop ...well, minus the brunette's mom lying dead on the floor...

Dean & Sam tried to skirt the perimeter of the room, unfortunately bumping into the reception desk and a suddenly-eager-to-help Michel...

"Hey, you're the other one," Rory recognizing Dawn as well. "Your girlfriend--" then eyeing Willow, "--Your ~other~ girlfriend checked in last night...with two other girls."

"Hey!" Paris offered, "Maybe the Dragonfly has made some type of underground Zagnet's Guide as the new Lesbian Get-away!"

She was cut off by Rory's shocked, whispered "OMG! That's Dean--my old boyfriend--what's he doing back here?"

"Dean huh?," Dawn evaluated, "I'd've pictured the tall one, Sam, as more your type...Anyway, they just gave us a ride up here--no improprieties whatsoever..."

Michel was on a roll about his "delightfool Chow puppies" now; as soon as he left to retrieve the latest photos, Dean & Sam made record time escaping. Metallicar sending up huge plumes of gravel & dust.

"Wish I could say the same about your friend--we gave them a whole wing to themselves and we still got complaints from the other guests. Even worse than when Sonic Youth stayed here! I checked on them this morning, your friend was gone and the other two were just lying there: naked, moaning & drooling, with these dazed smiles on their faces..."

"Sam's gone?!? H-h-have you heard of a place called Kingman's Bluff?"

"Yeah, that's where she was headed--I'll get you a map..."

Finally remembering her manners, Dawn humbly offered, "I'm sorry about your mother...last time...I know how hard it is..."

Rory dismissed it with a stoic sniffle and went to retrieve the map. As soon as she was out of ear-shot, Paris clued the two Sunnydale girls in--"That guy you were chasing last time --the "Billy-Idol/80s-Forever!" guy? The one that went all Hannibal Lector on Lorilei's throat? He came back a few minutes after you left and absconded with the corpse!"

"H-H-He took The Body?" Willow dreaded, "Was it ever found?"

"No, and the worse part--" Paris dialed it down to a conspiratorial whisper, "--Rory swears she still sees her at night, in the alley behind Luke's diner; lurking in the town square...about the same time all those troubadours started disappearing...We tried to lure her in by leaving a thermos of coffee on the porch at night, but we always find it empty and two holes punched in the plastic cup..."


Willow is grinding the gears mercilessly in Lorilei's old Jeep as Dawn (as usual) fiddles with the radio, now pulling in nothing but trendoid bands like Brian Jonestown Massacre & The Arcade Fire...still, New England had it all over Iowa... The redhead turned the wipers & lights on high as a sudden storm gained velocity around them; the sky now a glowing green.

They crested the bluff, Willow locking up the brakes as they caught a first glimpse of the foreboding steeple rising up from the scorched earth. Gale force winds blowing rain, dust & debris; the only light provided by eerie green lightning bolts. Dawn spotted Sam in the melee, dressed all in black, channeling the lightning thru her. Crackling bolts from her outstretched arms feeding the carved stone effigy of the She-Demon atop the temple. Sparks flying from the iron trident & pentagram.

Willow struggled to think. No supplies, virtually unprepared, yet they would need to summon some serious majicks to counter whatever Darth!Sam was conjuring...She was still mumbling to herself when Dawn bailed out the passenger door.

Dawn approached Sam from the right, Willow struggling to catch up, flanked her from the left. They could barely maintain visual contact thru the turbulent storm, but with each step closer, each blustery break, they noticed the transformation. Sam's hair becoming lighter, less tangled, longer and blonder. Her pale skin now a beach-like bronze. Her previous pan-cakedy bust now threatening to split the seams of her stylin' new Goth ensemble...

Sam sensed Willow's presence even before her "Excudo!" motion.

"Vincire!" Sam countered with a simple back-hand, that left Willow powerless & immobile, suspended in a glowy green cloud. Her concentration interrupted as something breached the remaining lightning circuit...

"Hey Blondie, whatcha doin'?"

"Get out of here Dawn."

"No frickin' way Sam. You destroy this 'verse and you pretty much obliterate them all. Including the one where you're all jonesin' for my jailbait ass--I gotta draw the line here."

Sam drew first. A zap from her hand furrowing the ground, exploding at Dawn's sneakered feet and knocking her on that previously proscribed posterior...

"Damn it Dawn...I don't want to hurt you--"

"...hella convincing so far..."

"--but everybody else has got it coming!"

"This isn't you Sam! Something alien is possessing you; scrambling your noggin with sex & violence. Like television."

"I-I-I can't stop it Dawn. You can't stop it."

"Probably not. So start with me Sam. I don't want to live with you without a world around us...or something..."

"W-W-W-Wha? Huh?" Sam teetered off-balance.

"First day of 9th grade you hounded your mom for that cutting edge magenta stripe in your hair, only to discover that even the Special Ed kids had them...You go the other route, tweak the program with those hair extensions and killer Homecoming Candidate make-over only to have your ~boyfriend~ dump you--"

"Is there a point here Dawn?"

Dawn ventures cautiously closer, one step at a time-- "I love you Sam-a-lamb. From magenta-stripey girl to Makeover!McPherson. From stupid Spice girl wannabe to Chick Power Covergrrl. But mostly I want the everyday frazzled, frumpy, frayed (& the occasional braid) rats nest that sits like a crown atop the queen of my world."

"N-N-No!" Sam struggles with self-doubt and "projectile dysfunction" as her last lightning volley sputters and sparks...

"I just want my Brownhilda back..."

Sam breaks into a major sob-fest. Weakened, her energy spent she collapses to her knees, Dawn engulfing her in a hug to break her fall. As Sam continues wailing like a big whiny pussy she slowly reverts back to her old persona: The Pinnacle of Human Female Evolution...

Oh yeah, and Willow crashes to the ground with a loud "Oomfph!"


"I don't understand..." Willow puzzled as the three girls slowly & painfully stood, "Nicky should've been able to transport us all back to Sunnydale by now..."

"Willow, think about it," Dawn began, on a roll with this whole honesty thing now, "You left her, Xander and Anya alone in the house with a dozen incorrigible Potentials-- I think they probably got side-tracked..." Then nervously glancing at a still woozy Sam she continued, "Plus I think this whole scenario had to play out here for a reason..."

"Of course! Fore-shadowing! And continuity! Sam going all blondie-bear is probably a harbinger of Things To Come!"

*Humble author disregards piercing stares of main characters; impatient foot-tapping of readers*

Sam leaned on Dawn for support as they headed back towards the cars, Willow aiming for the Jeep, Sam heading for the VW. "No way, I'm not giving up this cherry ride! This is how I roll...now...or, something..."

Well, at least she'd put the top up before it rained Willow reasoned crawling into the clutter of the back seat. The two brunettes in front oblivious to her as they fiddled with the radio, maps & mirrors etc. In fact Willow was the only one to observe the attractive, albiet kind of pale, 30-something brunette raising up from under a blanket. Vamp!Lorilei offering the redhead a wink, a smile, a flash of fang--

"S-S-Snuggles?" Willow meekly offered.



Bonus scene available only on director's cut & The Realm--

Picture Link!!! - Supernatural


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