TITLE: Her (a.k.a. I Was Made To Love Her...and Her...and Her...)

AUTHOR/FB etc.: snarlsnout@yahoo.com

DATE: Jan-Feb 2004

SERIES: Spam & Umad #14 (Popular/Buffy X-Over AU)

PAIRING/RATING: Sam?/?, Sam/Dawn, Nic/Willow; prolly NC-17

SUMMARY/SPOILERS: More wacky hi-jinks filtered thru Buffy's S7 "Him" and S5 "I was Made to Love You" with a generous side-portion of S1 Popular...and a little Austin Powers.

A/N: Both Alyson & Tammy Lynn have gotten married in RL before/during the last installment, which no doubt influenced my having Willow propose to Nic last time...

A/N #2: This story was reading a little weak so I bumped up the smut quotient a scoosh...

A/N #3: As always: hot off the keyboard sans spellcheck/beta.

As many (of the 1 or 2) of you recall from the last exciting installment (#13 Nip/Tab): We were left with a veritable legion of cliff-hanging shockers!  We thrilled at the impending nuptials of Willow & Nicole!  We gasped at possibility of Nicole being "outed" as a demon! We drooled at the idea of Holly, Dawn and Sam bumping their scantily clad bootys on the Bronze dance-floor! And above all--We recoiled in terror at the sudden re-emergence of what appears to be Darth Willow reviving the BuffyBot in the basement of the Majic Box w/ obvious Evil intent! Look here--


Previously in "Spam & Umad"--

"OMG! How did you do it?!?" Shaking Xander furiously, Anya continues as far as "OMG! She's got a so--" before Nicole's fist gets some serious "face-time"...

"I knew it!!!" Buffy croaks...before passing out cold.

Willow emerged from the labyrinth connecting the Bronze to the basement of the Majic Box. Slowly approaching the sheet-shrouded figure, she entertains a brief mental flashback of Nicole severing the Buffybot's head in a jealous snit (way back in S & U #2 Big Top PeeWee...). "But the 'Bot's gone thru a little overhaul since then," Willow mumbles with a crazed look in her eye; yanking the dusty cover off w/ a flourish. The dust settles... two brunettes gaze at each other and we fade on Dark- Willow's insane cackles--"Things have changed! Mwa-ha-ha!!!"


We may, or may not, come back to all that...

"Owww!" Nicole and Anya bellow in unison, the former clutch ing her head, the latter rubbing her nose.

"She hit me!" Anya stating the obvious to a dismayed Giles and Xander. "In the face!"

"And it hurt--her!" Xander observed with misplaced sympathy.

"Oh dear Lord!" Giles expounded, "You don't suppose we're dealing with another government chip, do you?"

"I told you!  Didn't I tell you!?!" a snockered Buffy managed to deliver, "My spidey-senses were tingling from Day One with this one!  A-And not the good tingly--in the "I need to stick some wood into this" kinda way..."

Xander lights up with the easy double-entendre set-up but fortunately for us Anya is there to slap him before he can vocalize...They both watch the inebriated Buffy's forehead bonk forward again onto the table...

"Y-Y-Yeah, that's it!" Nicole hastily fabricated, "it's a monitoring chip!  Part of my probation for a little drunk-driving indiscretion from last Prom....Yeah...A-And this one wine-cooler must have been enough to set it off!" Then shifting to her best "kicked puppy" face--"Please don't hate me because I'm weak..."

Then she quickly bowed out in search of Willow before the Scoobies had a chance to reflect--They concluded (however erroneously) that obviously there was no demon still in Anya; but weren't any further enlightened about Nicole than when the "Demon w/ Soul" device had first activated...


Sam did a 360 degree visual scan of her eviron--barren, desolate; only the odd rock out-cropping and "stray" Joshua tree to interrupt the sandy blandness...

The sky blackens; the wind begins to howl. She does a slow about-face, and faces-off against a frightening Blonde woman 100 meters away...Joined slowly by others, each seeming to materialize from thin air as they take formation, reinforcing the Original Blonde...

Sam is overwhelming frightened by their menacing presence and increasing numbers. Looking to escape she chances a glance behind her, startled to see another brunette slowly approaching. Thru the sudden, blinding sand-storm Sam brings the woman into focus--fierce, leather & metal clad--It's Xena: Warrior Princess!

"Don't worry kid--I got your back!"

"OMG!" Sam groans, turning to face the ever-increasing Blonde Horde, "The Smackdown! It's starting!"

Sam awakes hyperventilating in a cold sweat. Clutching the blanket to her heaving chest, it is several minutes before she recognizes her darkened surroundings as her girlfriend's bedroom. The most obvious clue of course would be the now groggily awakened Dawn holding her, rocking her, murmuring soft, soothing reassurances...

"The Smackdown Dream again?" Dawn yawns.

Sam bites her lip and furiously nods her head. Finally acknowledging her surroundings, and realizing she's been a total blanket-hog. Poor Dawnie shivering slightly, clad only in the bottom half of the Yummy Sushi PJs they were sharing...Sam wraps them both tightly in the warm blanket and they cuddle tenderly until Dawn's fidgeting becomes pronounced...

"Sorry Baby, I have ~got~ to pee!"

Sam rolls her eyes comically at the one true consistency in her life. Instant peace-of-mind as she gleefully watches her girlfriend nervously bouncing from one foot to the other.

"Are you sure you're OK Sam? I can bring you something--warm milk? Strawberry Schnapps? Some s'mores?"

"Just go--but hurry back!" Sam smiled, ending the young girl's torture. Delightedly watching Dawn crack the door to peer out, then scamper hurriedly down the darkened hall.


We open with of those sweeping-camera-pan-views where the back of one brunette's head is blocking the face of the brunette opposite her. But, yes Dear Reader, it ~is~ Willow and Sam in The Majic Box basement. (Your teachers must be so proud of your analytical skills! Go Reader! It's your Birthday!)


"Muwawk! Hardy-Har-Har!"

"Well...you're getting there..." Willow tsked, rolling her eyes in frustration as she makes yet another minor adjustment. "A little more Ming the Merciless; a little less Jerry Lewis, OK?" She patiently instructed as she removed her  rat's-nest brunette wig and placed on the bald noggin of yet another Spambot awaiting programming.

The redhead was bored now--like "Episode II: Attack of the Clones" bored...She felt like P.M. Lama Su on the Kamino planet--well, except that she wasn't 8 feet tall and all wispy and stuff--"Ha! Will o' the Wisp!" she quipped tiredly, recognizing "convoluted word association" as one of her personal tell-tale indicators of exhaustion.

"This is like some cottage industry gone horribly awry," she sighed with a sweeping scan of dozens of Spambots in various stages of completion. It had started out so simple: Willow had intended to rebuild the original BuffyBot in Sammy's image as a wedding present for her beloved Nicole. She knew the blonde would be delighted at having a facsimile of her arch-nemesis at her beck and call--And sharing her fiancée's somewhat deviant fantasy-life, she had developed an entire array of software programs that would've made Warren and the original AprilBot pale by comparison..."And--" she smiled, straightening the dread-locked wig on yet another version, "as far as radical-Hippie-throwback chicks go; Little Sammy here's a real cutie-patootie!"

But of course she'd been discovered: first by Anya & Xander on one of their many "restocking" jaunts to the basement. They'd persuaded her to build one for them ("Puh-lease Willow," Anya bargained, "blackmail is such an ugly word...") And of course neither of them could keep a secret, which soon led to orders from Giles, the Mayor, Spike and Harmony. She suspected the Blondie Bears of leaking the news further afield, explaining random orders from strangers--including a never-ending line of high-school kids--One brown-haired boy with big ears had ordered "...like 6--in various degrees of hotness!"; a nervous young newly-wed couple had ordered one built "...from recycled plastic and retro-fitted with solar panels as a renewable energy source"; the strangest request coming from the mysterious Southern woman in the back of a long stretch limo--3 dozen "defence-luss" Bots in "victim a-tyre!" ranging from "Little Red Riding Hood" to "Dorothy from "The Wizard of Oz"--and gimme one of them thar' curly-topped orphan kids from "Annie"." (Why even this author had placed a spur-of-the-moment contract for "...one--only with a little bigger rack, and a Pippi Long-Stockings outfit..."--but that's probably to much information...)

Of course Nicole (ever with her ear to the ground) had picked up on it immediately. Willow had presented the enthusiastic blonde with her specially-tweaked state-of-the art prototype--and had not gotten a minute of sleep since. But then, neither did anyone else on Revello Drive... Finally, even Buffy with her keen Slayer senses caught wind of the sitch, as she was momentarily (and memorously!) accosted by an especially-overzealous escapee--she  was "freaked" that her sister's girlfriend was coming on to her--and even moreso that she didn't seem to mind... An apologetic Willow had subdued the rampant robot, then presented her embarrassed, guilty, blonde bestest-friend with the control device and "service" manual...We can only conclude that Dawn and Sam were in their own little universe, to be that oblivious to the proliferous pultritude (sp?) of PsuedoSams (TM 2004 Snarlsnout Prod.)...


Dawn gently blotted herself dry and absent-mindedly let her fingers linger...it had been a most chaotic evening. Everyone arriving home drunk and agitated after the engagement party at The Bronze. Giles and Dawn had made sure that Xander and Anya had actually put the shitfaced Slayer to bed and not tried to take advantage of the situation--then Dawn had to stay to make sure Giles didn't. "Who's protecting who(m)?" she sighed, tenderly tucking her big sister in for the night.

Of course, the evening took a most joyous upturn of events later with Sam, Holly and herself forming an erotic, "a-cute  triangle" in her room. Sam had easily taken Dawn to ecstasy with that notoriously talented tongue...and was just crossing the portals herself when Holly uncontrollably dematerialized, orbing back to her own dimension--Dawn quickly "filling the void" to reciprocate Sam's (obvious) pleasure...Dawn loved the times they spent in menage-a-trois madness with the otherworldly young brunette, but had to admit she enjoyed having Sam all to herself more than anything! While Holly was becoming an intricate (albeit part-time) partner in the brunettes' various sexcapades--Dawn cherished the much more intimate one-on-one time w/ her Sweet Baboo. The way Sam made her feel special, unique; someone finally/actually glad that Dawn existed in this particular moment in time...

Still, Holly had looked ~exceptionally fine~ tonight as the 3 teens had danced to the point of collapse. Wearing that little suede micro-miniskirt...that tight white tanktop accenting her baby-fat belly and "happy" hooters. Dawn had made it her mission (accomplished!) to drive both girls mad with desire that evening--wearing her tightest  jeans and a shirt she'd practically painted on!--seductively gyrating her hypnotizing hips/bountiful booty--"Oh yeah! You ladies are all mine! ~Go Dawnie! It's your Birthday!~"

A sudden noise in the hall startled her from her revelry, her wandering fingers suddenly abandoning their exploration (as if caught red-handed...). Dawn quickly "tidied up", killed the light and cracked the door. It was Buffy, naked, in the throes of passion. Pinning her mystery lover against a small table with one spread leg. Using the knee support to bounce on her other leg, thrusting up in time with the other's digital penetration. A thin hand snaked up Buffy's back, grabbed a handful of blonde luxuriance and tugged mercilessly. The Slayer arched her back giving Dawn her first glimpse of her sister's seductor--seductress! Dawn realized as the dark-haired beauty buried her face in Buffy's cleavage, vigoursly; alternating, mouthing each mound. Buffy shuddered violently, abandoning herself to an intense, prolonged orgasm. Dawn thoroughly convinced that this "--was like the second hottest thing I've ever seen!" She was so sure it was "--frickin' Faith!" that she physically could not draw a breath when the two untangled enough to reveal a very ecstatic Sam--

"Did I please you?"

"Grrr. Argh!" an inebriated, satiated Buffy purred/moaned. Then regaining a little composure she looked around guiltily, "but you have to go!...N-now!" She bestowed a gentle kiss of gratitude on the brunette's forehead, another more passionate one on those luscious lips, and finally a not-so-gentle spank on that ripe, round little rump as she shooed the giggly, animated brunette down the hall..."Oh sure. Just use me to get your jollies, then it's Kick-the-Spam...!"

"OMG!" Dawn gasped, mere seconds before she'd have passed out from lack of oxygen...She cowered behind the door as a startled Buffy looked around nervously, then staggered  unsteadily back to her bedroom.

Dawn waited until the coast was clear then ventured back to her own room. Seeing Sam thru the partially opened door--touching herself; examining herself naked in front of the full-length mirror--"No doubt looking for tell-tale Slayer bruises" Dawn fumed. She was too angry to confront Sam in a rational manner, so she snuck down to the kitchen. She reached in the fridge for the milk carton, put it back; reached for a beer, put it back; then retrieved Buffy (or Spike's) secreted Tequila stash from the cupboard. Taking a huge gulp, then emitting the obligatory ("Bleh-ehhhh!") shudder that seemed to be inherent with all Summer's women...

Dawn assumed the noise from the porch was just the neighbor's cat, until she peeked thru the blinds to discover otherwise. Sam was bent over the porch railing, clutching at it's rungs as Giles pumped into her vigorously from behind. "Oh! Ravish me Ripper!" the horny brunette moaned. Giles was savagely kneading her breasts with both hands, one occasionally leaving to mop his sweaty brow and push his glasses back up his nose. At which point Sam's hands left the railing, one to service her unattended breast, the other moving further down to manipulate herself to climax. "Oh! Love me you large, lusty librarian!"

"Arrgh!" Dawn groaned. She grabbed the bottle, ran thru the living room, grabbing Nicole's Glamazon jacket on her way out the front door.  She knew not to stray too far--just walk around the block a few times to chill out. And chilled she was, barefoot in the wet grass; threadbare pajama bottoms & thin silk warm-up jacket--she balanced it out with a few more ("Bleh-ehhh!") swigs of liquid warmth. She peered thru the back hedges on each circum-navigation until she was sure they'd "parted"...

It was just like when Buffy used to sneak out to go hunting after she'd been with Riley--like he wasn't  enough to satisfy her...No wonder Sam had been so eager, so supportive about including Holly! Sure it had been Dawn's "perv proposal" but Sam could've acted at least a little bit jealous or disinterested...

Dawn looked up to realize she'd strayed at least 2 blocks south and was now in front of one of Sunnydale's 13 cemeteries. Responding to a low guttural growl, she ripped a "Yard Sale" sign from across the street and prepared the pointed stick for defense...She sneaked thru the bushes to discover---what else?--her naked girlfriend sprawled out on a marble tomb. Harmony slowly writhing above her in a 69. Spike standing behind them, alternating orifices...

"Oh Spikey! Thank you!" Harmony gushed over her shoulder.

"Why's that love?"

"Well, I know I always said I wouldn't--unless it was boy/boy/girl...or Charlize Theron--but Samika here is like such the perfect compliment to our Golden Glamour!"

Spike momentarily distracted by what we readers know to  be Dawn's groan of despair and hasty, unstealthy departure.

She snuck thru the hedges and up to the back porch. Peering in thru the kitchen window, she spotted a naked Nicole-- "Whoa! Hey Satan, nice implants!"--only the top portion of her visible over the fridge door--it's light, the only, somewhat eerie, illumination. She moved around to the other window for the full view--which of course included a buck-nekkid Sam on her knees, licking off whatever Nicole had chose to anoint herself with...

"OK Spam, we've established you like chocolate! Let's try... pancake syrup! Would you prefer maple or blueberry?"

"Syrup comes in flavors?" Dawn perplexed, then back to the more immediate problem...OK she could vaguely understand Sam's wanton wanderings with some of the others--("Like ~who wouldn't~ make it with Mr. Giles!") but this, with Nicole was just unfathomable! It goes against everything Sam had ever professed--and yet she'd rather be with someone she hates than me... (Awwww!)

"So your little Dawnie ever take advantage of your obvious oral fixation?" Nicole queried, while swabbing on a little ~cold~ vanilla yogurt for the SpamBot's talented tongue...

"Puh-leeze! Dawn is lame. Her hair is too shiny and she whines a lot."

Dawn realized she couldn't avoid a confrontation forever ...and deep down she had to know how Sam truly felt. She walked around to the front room, plopped down on the couch, and started her favorite movie: "Harriet the Spy". She could so relate to that poor kid, feeling all ostracized and unloved...Finally a naked, disheveled Sam wandered into  the living room.

"Have you seen Andrew? I have to find him..."

Dawn pawed distractedly at the remote, shell-shocked at her girlfriend's blatant disregard. She accidentally hit the "fast-forward" button and Sam responded accordingly with a hyper-animated trek around the living room. Dawn couldn't believe her eyes, but tested her sudden realization by hitting the "pause" button. Sam froze in mid stride. Dawn verified her theory by "reversing" Sam around the room to a point directly in front of her. As Sam continued  babbling incoherently about Andrew, Dawn hit the "mute" button, and finally "SAP" which over-dubbed everything the brunette was saying in Spanish--no doubt so Andrew could relive his glory days as an outlaw in Mexico... Finally in sheer frustration Dawn hit the "eject" button and watch in horror as the top of her girlfriend's head  exploded...

"Criminy! Sam was a Femme-bot?!?"


All "bawdy French farce" must end at some point with a mass confrontation...let's do that now, shall we?

The explosion rousted everyone in the entire house to rush to the living room--including several dozen naked Sams. Dawn was sitting petrified on the edge of the couch staring at the sparking, smoldering, glowing remnants of her lover's brainpan...The SpamBot jaw meticulated a couple of times, one leg kicked involuntarily and it collapsed in a heap on the living room floor. The Dawnster following closely behind it...

She awoke much later curled up in Sam's arms (The real Sam--she knew; she poked her...) Willow was waving a plate of Dawn's favorite hot gooey chocolate chip cookies in her face--

"Have a cookie--ease my guilt?" Willow warily offered as a totally sub-par apology. But hey, Cookies!

Dawn nibbled on one as she made a slow visual sweep of all the other occupants, now seated and embarrassedly avoiding eye-contact.

"You know, you have to admire the craftsmanship..." Xander absently babbled as he fondled the crumpled Spambot's upturned buttocks.

"Xander!" Buffy growled; Anya accentuating the disapproval with a slap.

"Still you've got to admit," Sam purred in Dawn's ear, "It ~is~ flattering that they all want me! It's like I'm finally ...Popular!" But looking at the silent stream of tears trailing down her girlfriend's delicate, freckled face, she realized (for once anyway...) what an heinous, insensitive poophead she could (quite often) be..."But look who I'm with baby! They aren't me!" Dawn bolted from the room. The extended Scoobies realizing the gravity of the situation by the fact that her tantrum had been silent/eternal.

Sam stood, stared at the shame-faced crowd, her trademark defiant stance working over-time...drawn rightfully to Willow...a suddenly nervous/looking-for-exits Willow...


Sam smashed the plate in her face.


But for lack of continuity, this to shall pass...(I've hereby adopted the BtVS writing staff's habit of doing the ending first and trying to back-fill with stuff that ~hopefully~ makes sense...)

Later--Possibly even the next night...

"But you have to admit, you were strangely attracted to her" Willow began with renewed bubble-osity. "That's like such a major breakthru for you!" She finished engulfing the Slayer in a giddy-ridden hug.

"A-A-Actually Wils, I've been trying to talk to you about these feelings I've been...feeling for Brooke for quite a while now...like romantic...girl feelings..." Buffy ventured, finally letting down her guard.

Totally oblivious, Willow continued babbling--"So technically the Spambot wasn't actually alive...but hey, NOT a demon, so that's still a step in the right direction right?" (And in total denial of the possible Demon Lover awaiting her own self-)

Breaking the embrace, Willow had a brief guilty, mental flash--"And, um, speaking of live humans, I really should go up and check on Nickie...you know verify the status of the whole impending nuptials, etcetera?..."

The two best friends smiled at each other reassuringly with both lips and eyes. Buffy nodded her dismissal, and Willow turned and dashed up the stairs. The remaining audience of Xander and Anya for once discreetly adjourning to their bedroom, leaving only Dawn, who approached her big sister warily...

"Soooo," she began, avoiding eye-contact, "This whole Sammy thing--and me being all gay and whatnot--you're finally cool with it?"

Buffy pulled the brunette closer, kissed her forehead; absently stroked her hair. "Totally Dawn," she smiled, "I'm sorry it took me going all Obsesso-Girl to admit how great I think Sam--the REAL Sam--is; and how totally happy I am that you've found someone like her to love..."

Dawn hugged her big sis gratefully. She may hate to admit it but Buffy's opinion/approval still meant the world to her. An honest respect, albeit often grudgedly given, acknowledging Dawn's admiration/idolization of The Slayer. Her sister, who gives so much and so rarely receives... "You'll find someone eventually Buffy--who could resist?!?"

"If you want, you can keep her--the 'Bot--one more night," Dawn reluctantly offered, "Just call her "Monique" or something and for Goddess sake--DO NOT let us hear you together!" she capped off, cringing with the memory...

"Relax, Dawnie. Willow disassembled the last of them--" both Summer's sister's eyes turning slowly towards the  stairs..."I mean, I'm almost positive she did--she's renewed her vow to use her powers only for Good..."


"Oh Goddess, Nickie!" Willowed gasped, totally satiated as she cuddled up to the equally exhausted blonde...

"You're amazing Red!" Nicole purred contentedly, as they snuggled closer under the covers. Covers, which now raised up to reveal a slightly disheveled Spambot.

"I was wonderful too!" The 'bot cheerfully acknowledged. "Shall I re-start this program?"

Nic and Willow exchanged horny, eager grins; vigorous nods. "W-Wait..." Willow began, distractedly searching the nightstand. Seconds later, stepping into the small circle of light cast by the table-lamp, a lingerie-clad DawnBot and HollyBot await orders...Willow grinned goofily as she handed a remote control to an instantly-inspired Nicole...


Dawn closed her bedroom door and slowly turned to face her girlfriend.

"Ugh." Sam stammered, "Seeing all those...~Me~s, was like so scary! They were like cattle--no, like sheep! They all mutated into whatever people wanted them to be--"

"They were programmed baby--"

"--like they were so scared of not conforming to everyone else's desires and demands--"

"They were basic pleasure models--"

"--and that's why today I made a statement of true individuality! You have to suffer thru the pain to be worthy of the reward--"

"Baby?!? Not the nose-thing again--" Dawn began, her nervousness increasing as the other brunette stood on the bed, raised her nightshirt and rolled her scant panties down to mid-thigh.

Dawn inched closer, half anticipating/half dreading, some new "McPherson peircin". Instead, just above and to the left of Sam's sparse brown pubic tuft, was a tattooed heart adorned with Dawn's name. And in place of Cupid's arrow, it was dissected with an old style golden skeleton KEY!

"OMG! Sam-a-lamb--I love it! I love ~you~--but that's like so--"

"Permanent?" Sam offered kneeling on the bed, eye level with Dawn. "Definitive?" She smiled brushing the younger girl's hair back over her shoulders. "4Eva?" she grinned, dropping her gaze, and slowly leaning in for the inevitable, enviable kiss.


"Xander! Turn it OFF!" Anya bellowed, cowering in the corner, swaddled in a quilt.

"I-I-I can't!" her extremely flustered fiancée managed between banging the remote control against any available hard surface and trying to subdue a rampant, revved-up Spambot...

TBC..."someday, someway..."

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