TITLE: The Gift That Keeps on Giving
SERIES: Spam & Umad #16
DATE: (concieved in 2003); Labor-induced May 2005-May 2007
PAIRING/RATING: Sam/Dawn(& Holly), Nic/Willow, "NC-17" maybe?
DISCLAIMERS: Ryan Murphy et al (Popular); Joss Whedon et al (BtVS); TRP et al (WILAY)-- Their intellectual properties; my dumbass fic.
SPOILERS/SUMMARY: S6 BVS ("Afterlife") S5 Buffy arc (Brunette-friendly Remix.) S3 WILAY. Random earlier "Dawn & Cynical Sam" scenerios...possibly a S3 Futurama "Bird-bot of Ice-catraz" shout-out, we'll see...
Previously, in Spam & Umad--
(From the liner notes of the Season One "League of Extraordinary Hotties" DVD box-set--)*
"When not battling super-villans such as HanNicole Lector and The Black Cherry Canary, our Fab Foursome can be found lounging seductively around their state of-the-art Computerized Command Center: Willow (the Brainy One) and Nicole (the Bitchy One); And weekly putting themselves directly in Harm's Way "to help the hopeless": Cynical Sam (the Cynical One) and Dawn (the Whiney One). Now with random assistance from Quantum Queer Girl, Holly"
*as seen here:
Picture Link!!! - League of Extraordinary Hotties
"You guys! Hurry--It's starting!" Holly squee'd delightedly as she maneuvered her big, comfy chair directly in front of the wide-screen TV. And directly in front of Lauren sitting behind her on the couch.
"Un-huh, yeah. Your head's EMPTY kid, NOT transparent-- Down In Front!"
Tina and Vince wandered in from the terrace arguing in hushed, clipped tones. Holly would've shot them an even angrier snarl had she known they'd been discussing their torrid one-night-stand...They plopped down to Gary's left on the huge curved couch.
"This isn't the Gilmores," Val deduced as she disrupted the opening credits, juggling 3 huge bowls of munchies. Gary patted the space to his right (between he & Lauren) and gave Val his most seductive eyebrow waggle. She nudged Lauren over to him instead, and settled in behind her sister.
"No Val," Holly sighed wearily, "We go thru this every week--this is The League."
""The League of Extraordinary Hotties"," Gary recited, "The WB's edgy new dramaedy featuring Sweet, Lesbionic Super-heroes!" Tina rolled her eyes as Gary & Vince giddily high-fived each other.
"Aww poop!" Val groaned. "This show is just a lame excuse to have a bunch of teen-aged bimbos run around half-naked. And they just recycle plot-lines from every other WB show!"
"OMG Val!" Holly growled thru clenched teeth. "You are totally missing the point! The hair-raising Adventures! The whole Sappho-Sisterhood Life-style! Cutting-edge FX! The Costumes! Dawn and Cynical Sam Rock it So, So Hard!"
"Holly might be a tad biased," Gary teased, "because this year they added that new character, Hortense...Hol here insists she's modeled after her..."
"No way!" Vince joined in, feigning surprise, "The cute, squeaky one that keeps orbing in and out?!?"
"--Apparently just to have sex with the stars?!?" Tina contributed, until she saw the slow burn igniting in her best friend, "--c'mon guys, let's just watch the show..."
"No. No. No." Val groaned, "Please?!? Change the channel!"
"You know what? Just forget it..." Holly flashed them her hard-core wounded & betrayed pout as she dejectedly rose, "I'll just watch it in my room."
The whole big, sulking exit was wasted tho, as the group became immediately immeresed in the program. Holly had to bound up the stairs in order not to miss a moment!
"Well the kid's right about one thing," Lauren allowed, now on the edge of her seat, barely controlling her lustful drool reflex, "That Samantha girl is one seriously smoldering sex-pot!" Gary, Vince and Tina nodding their mesmerized, slack-jawed agreement.
Dawn closed her bedroom door as Sam folded down the bedcovers.
"Hey Sam-a-lamb, I'm a little worried about the toll all this universe-hopping is taking on Holly," Dawn articulated as she snuck up behind her girlfriend and snatched her bathrobe off in one fell swoop.
"Me too D," Sam commiserated as she stepped out of her fuzzy slippers, turned to rip Dawn's pajama top open, then fluffed her pillow, "She's gotten so thin lately!"
"Well," Dawn continued as she yanked Sam's PJ bottoms to her ankles and wandered around to her side of the bed, "I was going to say she was getting so ~Blonde~!"
Sam slipped her tanktop over her head as Dawn shimmied out of her heart-adorned boxers; both brunettes soon snuggling naked under the covers. As Dawn dimmed the table-lamp to let the candles illuminate them, Sam scooched over to the middle of the bed beside her. Both girls suddenly feeling the goosebumps and hair-raising static of the electrically charged air. The normal reaction whenever they get close, it's also became the tell-tale indicator of Holly's imminent cross-dimensional arrival.
"Aw poop," a gradually corporeal Holly moaned, "Did I miss all the hot "Girl-On-Girl Action"?"
"Naw," Dawn grinned as Sam flipped back the covers to invite the youngest brunette in, "We saved you a...piece!"
Several sweaty, multi-orgasmic hours later--Sam stumbles/fumbles around in the darkness slipping on anything she can find for a quick trek down the hall to the Summer's lone bathroom. Dawn and Holly snuggle groggily to close the gap Sam has left. They are startled awake by a sudden blinding light and peircing screech--
"Horny little Bithes! Jumpin' her bones!" A fierce, fanatical blonde woman is eerily back-lit at the foot of their bed. "Y'all reek of the sex-funk! Stop yer lyin', lil' lezbos--Y'all gave mah Sweet Samantha-gal cun-ninga-u-lose, didunya!?!"
Holly clung to Dawn terrified as the Sunnydale girl fumbled for the table-lamp. The Blonde Spector grabbing a book and hurling at the the traumatized teens, smashing the picture frame above them and showering them with glass shards. Dawn screamed like it was Season Six all over again, and when she finally managed to activate the light, the stranger had gone, leaving no trace...no broken glass...
"Dude," Holly gasped, her breath slowly calming, "No more Triple Mucho-Mocha Expressos before bed..."
Even as the following events unfold(ed) in Alterno-NYC...
Holly felt the pull of the "Transdimensional Portal Thingy" (not to mention a taut tug on her hormones...) and began the sacred ritual she invented to prepare for orbing...OK, so she just spun around in a circle; hair fanning, arms flailing, like a slightly spastic WonderWoman as her clothes became miraculously more transparent; more non-existent.
The activated/low-energy-setting Hollybot sitting demurely on the bed--the only witness to her counter-part's departure. A lustful eyebrow waggles; a Cheshire Cat grin spreads as her aural sensors register Tina's soft knock on the door...
"Holly? Are you OK in there? C'mon, it's no fun without you..."
Which brings us to that oft-alluded to "Astral Plane"--
Sure it's like all vast & infinite & whatnot, but let's dial it down a notch. Picture it as your computer's desktop: a black twinkly-star-laced space-scape. Now picture a row of little animated icon-windows opening one by one to reveal the following 4 vignettes--
a) Glamazon practice at Kennedy High. Mary Cherry revisiting her "pig-on-Nyquil" mad dance skills as the crew struggles thru April _AND_ Adam's latest choreography. She phased out somewhere around "jazz-hands. kick. step. twirl.", her eyes glassing over; slight evidence of a drool-string. No one notices the thin trail of translucent pink vapor exiting her ears...
b) Unique Jones killed the lights on the ancient stolen Caddy as B-Ho, beside her in the front seat, pulled back the slides on her twin Uzis. Both converted to full-auto w/ 30 round clips. Ascension Hernandez, the rival girl-gang's newest pledge was enjoying the lime-light as the group hung-out on it's clearly-designated Compton street corner. She had survived the gang-rape initiation by the other girls, but having no crack or firearms to share, had followed her aunt to work one day (to the prop dept. at Buena Vista studios). It was there she'd managed to lift 3 bitchin' red leather "Chola Girl" jackets from some canceled WB show about "gay gringas"... The Caddy swooped by low & slow, B-Ho hanging out the window locked & loaded, when she froze solid. Her eyes rolling back; the aforementioned drool and ear-vapor..."Sheeiiit!" Unique punched it thru the intersection as the intended victims now peppered the trunk and back window w/ a hail of 12 ga. & 9 mm rounds...
c) Lauren and Gary were working unsupervised (and therefore half-assed) in the kitchen of Sugar Babys Bakery. Rocking out to some old school MC Hammer. Gary was contemplating odd stuff he could combine in the industrial-strength mixer, while Lauren finishes frosting a cupcake, looks around suspiciously, licks it clean, and then refrosts it and puts it in the serving tray...She's considering streamlining the process (tongue straight into frosting bowl) when she becomes yet another victim of that glassy-eye/drooly/vapor thing...
d) "Bing the Merciless", Evil Overlady of Dallas Centauri, (see Spam & Umad #6 "Rocket From the Tomb") was "a-fixin' to sub-ja-gate" yet another nubile young brunette citizen to her "om-nip-o-taint ay-thor-atee". She strutted in front of the trembling, shackled girl, pausing to tug her ball-gag a little tighter...then mysteriously zoned-out like...well, you know...
Their spirits leave their bodies (via cheesy animated pink vapor trails) and intertwine, forming a semi-opaque cloud. All are able to sense the combined energy and peer into the windows of each other's origin. A new icon opens, the cloud hovers over it, voyueristically enjoying the spectacle of a naked brunette teen girl, spinning wildly (pausing momentarily as if to hurl), then resuming her activity. Nano-seconds before she disappears, the combined cloud entity locks on to her signal (and plumes into the window, kind of like a certain Genie entering her bottle...) and follows her not unlike a web-tracking cookie thru the Ethernet...
The cloud clings to the ceiling of Dawn Summer's bedroom. Lost in the shadow-play of the flickering candles and incense, it hovers above the 3 brunettes lost in the throes of hot, sappho-eroticism. All are transfixed by Our Girl Sam McPherson; they freeze-frame her fine form in the instant she bucks up in mid-orgasm. Drawn to her sweat-drenched brow, eyelids in mid-flutter over dreamy unfocused brown orbs; her glistening lips parted in a wide, almost pained, toothy grin. Her del- actable tongue pushing at her lower lip as she prepares to moan/groan/whimper/scream in ecstasy.
Sure, it's impossible not to notice the other 2 fine female forms responsible for this reaction: both brunette companions with their lips pressed to one of Sam's "Astounding A-cups"! Dawn's thumb and 2 fingers rhythmically plying both of Sam's orifices as Holly supplies the triggering manipulation to Sam's eager, aching clit...
"Day-um!" B-Ho eloquates, "I wouldn't mind tappin' that my own self! N-Kay?"
"She alone is worthy to share the Royal bed-chambers!" Bing decreed, "To pose beside me on the throne!"
"Back off Y'all!" MC steps up, "Ah saw her furst!"
And thus, the defining moment. All agreed Sam McPherson was the Pinnacle of Human Female Evolution! And must be possessed at all costs! Not really dwelling on how they can split her into their 4 respective realities, or even the thought of seeking the parallel Sam equivalents native to their own dimensions--Nope! It's all about Our Girl Sammy--but everyone knows that...To this end, the entities vow to unite as UberLeslie! They scan the various realities to find where she will be the most vulnerable, deciding on Mary Cherry's Kennedy High realm (supernatural intervention at least 2 hours away in Sunnydale...), they then proceed to hatch their dastardly dealio...
And of course, their uber-ego! requires a parting taunt to Sam's "loser lovahs" as the 4 blondes incorporate into one vicious visage to terrorize Holly and Dawn...
"Horny little bitches!..." etc.
"Bad. Very very bad. This is all too much to fit in my head," Dawn groaned. She leaned back against Sam's legs as the journalist soothingly massaged her shoulders.
"This all started when Sam & Dawn brought Holly back with them--it disrupted the planes between worlds somehow," Buffy blondely began, reiterating the obvious.
"Y-Y-Yes," Giles sputtered as he consulted several texts spread open on the Majic Box table, "but sending her back to her own universe should've restored the balance..."
"Maybe, if she would've stayed there..." Anya mumbled.
Giles apparently the only Scooby out of the loop, looks first at Dawn & Sam, then more accusingly at Willow...
"Well, she's just so darn cute..." Willow babbles, drawing all sorts of suspicion, especially from Nicole.
"She kind of looked like this girl at Kennedy," Dawn scrambled to change the subject, "Or that Hell-Goddess that was in league with Spike and Harmony last year."
"She looked a little like Lauren too--she works at my sister Val's bakery..." Holly offered.
"Sounds like a hitch-hiker," Anya reasoned, "Some demon-thingy; sees someone moving between worlds and grabs on for the ride..."
"We can only assume there are facsimilies of all of us on every parallel plane," Giles morosely foreshadowed, "Heaven only knows what effect two such entities would have when they converge...and need I remind anyone we ~are~ on a Hellmouth?!?"
"Wait!" Nicole seethes. "You're telling me we're up to our asses in Evil just because these two Brownhildas can't keep it in their pants?!?"
Sam and Dawn's jaws dropping in unison as Xander quickly intervenes--"Um, OK. So what's done is done...The can of worms is open; we need like some mystical Tupperware to reseal them in!"
"Snap!" Willow beams goofily, "We just beat the Blonde-Beastie back to Bimboland and we're rolling in puppies!"
"Willow!" Giles fumed; ("You rank, arrogant amateur!" the entire table chorused in). "We have no idea which dimension this demon is from. What Her intentions are. What effect Her presence could have--not only on our realm, but in every world She's come in contact with!"
"Bad. Very very bad. Bad." Sam mirrored her girlfriend's sentiments as Dawn took her turn applying the reassuring caresses.
"Well, has anybody noticed any signs of a reality shift?" Willow queried, "Two worlds going all ~Ka-blooie!~ together?"
(A/N: "Hey Willow. I gotch yer reality shift right here...")
4th period Biology class is interrupted by the sounds of heavy construction material & equipment being unloaded outside the window; by the sounds of cat-calls and derogatory comments as the construction workers ogle some prime high school honeys. The class rushes to the windows to watch as a foundation is being hastily formed around the stump of what was formerly The Forever Tree.
"Cherry," Bobbi Glass officiates, "What can you tell us about this erection?" The entire class snickers and gawks at an embarrassed Harrison's crotch...
"Whale Claw, Ah am attemptun' to construct a working scale mod-jule of one-a Mama Cherry's oil-rig platforms" She tried to clarify with some non-descript pantomime, "Uh-huh. It's fer extra credut..."
"And I've arranged to have some penguins and baby seals imported to demonstrate the "zero environmental impact" Dubya's new Energy Exploration Plan will have on the otherwise wasted Artic Frontier," Bio Glass helpfully added.
"Ms. Glass," Lily erupted, "You can not, in good conscience, extract fellow creatures from their natural habitats and subject them to this devastating trauma just so you can get a cumulative fatality rate!"
"Hey nut-job--Watch me!"
"If nothing else, your data would be skewed by the effects of this temperate Southern California climate," Giles expounded absently as he clean his spectacle lenses, trying to dismiss a queasy "deja vu" feeling he was experiencing as he watched the tower beginning to rise... The class absently nodded it's vague agreement, only then pondering who this unknown Englishman might be. Bio Glass sliding up beside him, batting her lashes coquettishly.
Jane and Mike McQueen were taking advantage of an afternoon window of Whoopee!--both older daughters still at school. Baby Mac (possibly under secret orders from Sam) disrupted the festivities w/ a few well-timed yowls...Jane tugged on a short black lace nighty and slipped down the hall, coming face-to-face w/ Xander at the top of the stairs...
"Hi Jane--er, um, Sammy's mom..."
"You're uh, Xander right?" then remembering her attire, "OMG! I'm sorry--I'm half naked!"
"See," Sauve!Xander flirted, "That's what's cool about you, I would've said you're still half dressed."
Jane rolled her eyes. Horny teenaged boys never failed to amuse her--unless they were out w/ one of her daughters. Besides, Xander wasn't nearly as obvious as Harrison...
"I-I was just going in here to change--"
"Allow me to help you...I'm an old hand--"
"--Baby Mac's diaper."
"--at being pooped on." Xander sighed. So close...(heh)
Giles and Robin Wood do a quick double-take as they glimpse each other in the Kennedy High hallway. The Watcher is on his way to the Zapruder office to meet with the extended Scoobies; Principal Wood is exchanging a little banter with Principal Calvin Krupps as they ogle the underage coeds.
"Ah, but are they prettier than me?" Krupps challenges.
"Uh, a little bit, yeah," Robin glances at him nervously.
"So, no-one's noticed anything out of the ordinary, then?" Willow tried to avert Giles' inevitable inquisition...
"Willow please," Giles sighed, wiping his glasses absent mindedly, "We all know the price we paid the last time some omnipotent Hell-Goddess tried this..." He wished he had access to his texts at the Magic Box instead of being stuck here in the Zapruder--the entire KHS library catalog seemed devoted to the latest self-esteem help guides or treasties on STDs...
"No Frickin' Way!" Dawn jumped up defiantly.
"Dawn," Buffy attempted, "we're bloody well talking about this--"
"We are NOT killing my girlfriend!"
"Kill? W-W-Wha--?" Sam glupped/swooned.
"Oh come on Dawnie," Anya helpfully contributed, "you still have a spare squeeze." Smiling as she displayed Holly, shaking her vigourously by the shoulders. "This one is almost as attractive!" Holly bit back a retort as Anya continued her vacant, enthusiastic smile. Finally wriggling herself free at Anya's admission of "I'd do her!"
"Dawn, try to understand," Giles pontificated solemnly, "this entity will stop at nothing to possess Sam. It despises the bond the 2, um, 3 of you share--you will undoubtedly be one of it's first--and most savored--victims."
"Well then the last sight Sam-a-lamb will have of me is unleashing some serious hair-pulling and savage shin-kickin'!"
"Oh! Oh!" Nicole offered, "Screech at her too! That's definitely unnerving..."
"And I'll bitch-slap her silly!" Holly stepped-up and did that knuckle-knock thing, showing her solidarity w/ Dawn, "Or at least unload on her with a tersely-worded tirade..."
"I'm afraid we might be too late to exercise any option," Giles sighed. The others all joining him at the window as the construction crews packed up their tools. The tower now complete; all shiny and rickety-looking.
"Hey check it out!" Xander directed their gazes to Bobbi Glass and a horde of hooded monks shooing a herd (gaggle? pride?) of penguins down the gangplank from a refrigerated trailer...
"Um, "Little Bitch" is it?" (calling the kettle black), Nicole gets all up in Dawn's chin..."Is there some reason we all needed to climb up here? Because I must say--for panoramic views I'd prefer the penthouse at the Four Seasons..."
Willow, still catching her breath, seemed quite satisfied with the view, as Sam and Holly rushed to out-strip the other in preparation for the Trans-Dimensional dive. Of course the Dawnbot and Sambot who'd followed them up the ladder were (as usual) already in their "birthday suits".
"I told you," Dawn panted as she turned to tug at the tight pants-leg tangled around her foot, "This is where the portal opens--where the Blood Sacrifice has to occur---"
"---Yeow! Not me, you be-otch!" Dawn wailed as Nicole jabbed her in the butt with her cuticle tool...
"Dawnie's right baby. T-this time it has to be S-S-Sam," Willow futilely attempting her brave-little-toaster front.
"No." Holly stated defiantly from the edge of the platform. "This thing followed me here--I'm responsible for all this..." Biting back the tears she continued, "I don't belong here anyway, not really...and that old guy said me being w/ Sam would only make that Evil Overlady thingy madder."
"E-E-Everybody chill!" Sam nervously asserted authority, "That Uber-Leslie/Cherry/Hell-Goddess only wants ME--who'da thunk being popular would suck this much...if I surrender, you're all saved..." Sam contemplated her dismal options, the worse: "if I *gulp* jump, no-one gets me..."
"True, but then she'd probably kill us all out of spite..." Willow offered, struggling to ignore the rapidly approaching storm-clouds, "We still have some time to decide--Buffy and a decoy Sammy-bot are way-laying her at the base of the Tower even as we speak--"
"Umm, not so much..." Nicole observed.
Uber-Leslie had snatched up the naked, non-resistant Sam-bot as planned, only realizing the ruse nano-seconds before Buffy introduced her face to the massive Troll-hammer. Slowly shaking off the devastating blow, she back-hands the Slayer across the parking lot. She examines the inferior impostor disgustedly (holding it by the throat at arm's length), before snapping it in half and turning towards the ladder...Not all appears hopeless for the White hats tho: on the plus side that glorified brick-layer has negated Bobbi Glass with a well-placed wrecking ball. And a mysterious penguin-like creature several feet taller than the others rises among their ranks and helps Anya led them to the safety of the refrigerated trailer...Yay Team Scooby!
While her tower-mates remained frozen in shock at the unfolding events, Holly busts a move. Engulfing Sam in a no-doubt final hug, she chokes out a farewell "I love you" as tears streak her chipmunk cheeks. Before anyone can re-act she turns and dashes towards the edge of the platform. "Fuck it..." she mutters, as she snags the innocently by-standing Dawn-bot and Sam-bot in mid-dive...
"Well, that was unexpected..." Willow offered as the four remaining girls peered precariously over the edge for a glimpse of their three airborne allies...
Before they'd even turned and up-righted themselves Uber-Leslie raced across the platform, pounced Sam and sailed into the abyss. Her insane triumphant cackles drown-out by the rumbles of the rapidly descending thunder-storm..."Noooooooo!" Nicole bellows as she collapses to her knees, arms out- stretched as if pleading to the indifferent pelting rain...Gradually returning to her senses as Willow and Dawn stare at her suspiciously, the sky begins to clear, and they are joined by Sam--the real Sam-- who wonders anxiously: "Did it work?"
Nicole regains her composure, feigning apathy, as Dawn confronts Willow with a more personal concern--
"Just how many robot-copies of my girl-friend did you two make anyway?!?"
"W-W-Well...you kept yours too!" Willow weakly defended.
"Guys--" Sam puzzled, "--where's Holly?"
As Dawn swivelled to break the heart-breaking news to Sam, Willow and Nicole broke off for their own heated, jealous exchange...turning back just in time to see the two brunettes lock hands and jump into the dwindling vortex in pursuit of the third leg of their a-cute triangle.
The Trans-Dimensional Portal blinked closed just as Nicole and Willow reached the edge. The finality of the brunettes' departure devastating them immediately.
"She's gone." Nicole whimpered. "The only thing that made this life bearable was having that insufferable Spam to ogle--" stopping abruptly as she realized she'd just bore her soul in front of her fiancée; confessing her all-consuming desire for another..."Will, I, uh..."
"Right there with ya, Nicky," Willow humbly apologized. "Guess we're both just a couple of big ol' honkin' Sammysexuals*..."
Their joint epiphany shattered as Buffy finally ascended the tower--"Did I miss anything?"
We may never know the toll the effects of a malfunctioning Trans-Dimensional Portal would claim on it's travelers...It may be beyond our ability of understanding; it's definitely beyond this author's ability of elaborating...One might be tempted to compare it to a space-craft disintegrating upon re-entry to the atmosphere--each component of Uber-Leslie returning to it's point of origin--possibly slightly singed and each clutching a sparking, spasming cybernetic Sambot limb as a reminder of their unmitigated hubris...
"Whare. Have, I. Gone?" Mary Cherry questions absent-mindedly as her head bounces back against her locker. She gags as she realizes she is clutching a humanoid arm, it's hand clutching rhythmically, circuitry & bio-mechanics sparking at it's severed elbow. She hurls it away in disgust and races toward the Novak...
Their internal gyro-positioning systems allowed Dawnbot and Spambot to land velvety-smooth and vertical; As opposed to Holly, who crash-landed on her keester. Rubbing her bruised bum, she peeked thru her louvered closet door to see if her rather rowdy re-entry had been detected.
She was surprised (but probably only partially as aroused as the rest of us...) to spy Tina and the Hollybot in the throes of some seriously sizzlin' sexcapades.
"OMG, Holly," the redhead panted, "I've wanted this from the first day I met you! Now to realize all this "Henry? Vince?Henry?Vince?" drama was just a smokescreen! For your sister?...For your insecurities? Which you've overcome like whoa! admirably, I must say...Not that I'd dissuade you from a little hot, hetero Vince experimentation...I'd even be up for a little 3-way action..."
"Tina?" Hollybot smiled demurely while sending the petite redhead over the edge yet again, "Please stop speaking now."
"Le sigh," Holly smiled bitter-sweetly. She knew in her heart that Sam & Dawn would come for her. Someday. Someway. But in the meantime, she supposed she could adapt to their "reasonable facsimiles"; when she wasn't secretly exchanging her- self and the Hollybot. "Me and Tina, who'd've thunk it?"
A pristine Canadian wilderness is disrupted by the yelps of Our Dynamic Duo, as Sam and Dawn materialize in mid-roll down a snowy embankment.
"Arrrgh!" Sam groaned, shivering, and brushing snow from her goose-bumpy torso. "How come we're the only ones who have to portal-jump naked?"
Dawn and this author share a conspiratorial wink..."I think the foremost question should be--Where the Hell are we?"
They are startled, and subsequently mesmerized, by a wary brunette girl in a dark, hooded cape. She circles them cautiously, dragging her left leg which still has a massive metal bear-trap attached. She seems transfixed by Dawn's shiny henna locks; Sam's trademark raven rat's nest (as opposed to their fine, fleshy frames?!?)
"O.M.G! The Red and the Black! YOU are the ones The Seer foretold of!" pointing a shaky, accusatory finger at them. "Not us!" Then frantically scanning the surrounding woods--"Ginger!!!" From the distance; a howl.
Casa Summers, about a week later: Buffy encounters a forlorn Willow and Nicole heaving some hefty sighs at the breakfast table--
"You guys aren't still grieving for the Dawn- and Spam-bots are you?"
"I can't help it Buffy," Willow whined, "I know it doesn't compare with you loosing a sister--and a sister-in-law, but the 'bots gave such great hea--"
"--menial labor--" Nicole quickly interjected.
"Welllll," Buffy teased, "We've got a little surprise for you two. It's not quite as state-of-the-art, but...Xander!"
A slight commotion is heard as Xander attempts to wrestle something clunky & mechanical in from the back porch--
"Whoa! This thing smells like it fell in a vat of 'dale Ale"
"Bite my shiny metal ass!"