Title: Captain Proton and the Planet of Lesbians
Fandom: Star Trek Voyager/Captain Proton uber.
Pairings: Janeway/Seven, Paris/Kes, Kim/Paris, Torres/Seven.
Summary: Can Captain Proton defeat the evil Queen Sapphia and her muff-munching minions, before she destroys mankind with her Dildo of Doom?
Rated: NC-17. Contains explicit homosexual and heterosexual scenes. If this offends you, don't read any further!
Disclaimer: No profit is intended in the writing of this story. Star Trek: Voyager and its characters are the property of Paramount and Viacom.
Feedback is required to sustain this lifeform. Archiving is welcome, but please try and contact me first. My thanks to Meagan for her beta work.
THE ADVENTURES OF CAPTAIN PROTON!
CHAPTER 69: PLANET OF LESBIANS!
WHEN LAST SEEN, CAPTAIN PROTON WAS BEING CONGRATULATED FOR SAVING THE WORLD YET AGAIN.
Captain Proton and his noble crew stood before the imagiser, which showed the usually grumpy features of the President of Earth formed into a broad smile.
"Thanks to you Proton, the reputation of my illustrious predecessor, George W. Bush, has finally been cleared. To think that the infamous dictator Saddam Hussein tried to hide his weapons of mass destruction by sending them forwards in time, where his evil descendents could use them to conquer our now peaceful planet."
"He couldn't hide them from Captain Proton!" said Buster Kincaid, Proton's loyal and trusty sidekick.
"I intend to have you decorated before the entire Congress of the United States of Earth," said the President. "You are all to receive our highest accolade, the Galactic Star, only bestowed on the most brilliant and talented personages. In the history of mankind only five have been so honoured."
"Who won the others?" asked Constance Goodheart, Proton's blonde and vacuous...I mean curvaceous secretary.
"Why myself of course," said the President, looking down his presidential nose at her. "Up till now no-one else has been brilliant and talented enough."
"Mr President, I must decline," said Captain Proton. "Medals and honours mean little to me. It is reward enough to know that the forces of evil and tyranny have received a good swift kick up the__"
"Hold on a minute, Proton," said the President, as someone handed him a slip of paper. His face returned to its familiar scowl as he read the message. "What's this? Moonbase One has just informed us that they've detected a powerful beam of energy aimed right at AAARGGGHHHH!!!!"
And the crew watched horrified, as the image of the President was erased from the screen in a blinding flash of light!
WHAT FIENDISH FATE HAS BEFALLEN THE PRESIDENT OF EARTH? CAN OUR HERO SAVE THE WORLD FROM THIS MINACIOUS MENACE? FIND OUT NOW IN THE LATEST EPISODE OF...THE ADVENTURES OF CAPTAIN PROTON!
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"We're receiving a transmission!" said Buster, twiddling with the dials of the Intergalactic Transceiver. They had been unable to make contact with Earth for over two hours.
"Imagising," said Proton. He gave a sigh of relief as the President of Earth appeared on the screen.
"Please state the nature of the medical emergency," said the President.
"Premature baldness, eh? So...think you're not attractive to women? That's what I used to believe, before a good friend referred me to the William Shatner Hair Clinic!" The President's bald pate was suddenly covered by a luxuriant toupee.
"Uh oh," said Buster. "His signal's been infiltrated by an advertising virus. Hang on, I'm activating SPAM erasure." He flicked a couple of switches and the President suddenly began talking like a sped-up record player.
"The-William-Shatner-Hair-Clinic-will-fix-your-hair-the-way-no-one-else-will-dare-increase-your-sex-life-in-fifteen-days-or-your-money-back-our-unique-patented-treatment-is-recommended-by-nine-out-of-ten-medical-practitioners-as-the-number-one-method-of-follicle-restoration-what on Earth did I say all that rubbish for? I'm a politician, not a doctor!"
"Mr President, you're alive!" exclaimed Constance Goodheart, clutching her hands to her heaving bosom.
"Yes, thanks to my brilliant invention of the Photonium Forceshield. But I fear another attack like that will wipe us out. Panic is spreading throughout the cities of the world. We've received reports of attacks on New York, London, Moscow, and Tokyo - though the latter might be that damned great lizard again...hold on, this just came in." The President scowled at the slip of paper in front of him. "My God, this is the worst news yet! An American couple was killed when the nation of France was razed to the ground!" He glared out of the imagiser at Proton. "Captain Proton, you must stop these attacks before mankind is totally wiped out! Moonbase One says that these deadly deathrays are coming from the planet Venus."
"Venus?" exclaimed Buster. "But that's impossible. According to the latest scientific reports, conditions on that planet make it unable to support any form of intelligent life!"
"The mysteries of the universe are indeed mysterious," said the President mysteriously. "Scientists have yet to prove that intelligent life exists on Earth. Who knows what wonders lie beneath the cloudy veils of that inscrutable world?"
Captain Proton stood up straight, and all saw the steely glint of determination in his handsome blue eyes. "Mr President, tell the people of Earth to have faith in us! We'll find the cowardly culprit behind this dastardly deed, or perish in the attempt!"
And so the world held its collective breath as Proton's rocket ship wobbled its way through the inky blackness of space. Since time immemorial Venus had been regarded as the Planet of Love, but now it had become a destroyer of worlds. At which city would the fiendish finger of fate point next? Or could Captain Proton save mankind from this unseen annihilator?
Slowly and inexorably the heat in the cabin rose as they flew closer to the sun. Sweat formed in the deep cleavage of Constance Goodheart...erhm...on the noble brow of Captain Proton as he guided his rocket ship down into the murky haze of Venus. Down, down, down they spiraled, as toxic clouds of sulfuric acid swirled angrily around the portholes, and hot steamy gusts tossed their vessel like a helpless toy. Could life truly exist in this sweltering hell?
"The mists are clearing," said Buster, as he peered through the ship's viewscope. "We appear to be approaching the surface. Wait a minute, there's something below! My God, it looks like an enormous di__"
A tremendous blow struck the rocket ship, tossing its crew across the control room. In an instant the clouds were sucked away from the windows and they were plunging through clear green skies. A loud scream built in the engines, smoke filled the cabin, and a box of sparklers some idiot had stored inside a console blazed into life.
"We've just passed through an energy shield!" yelled Proton. "Engines are out, steering jets are on the fritz, and someone's fitted us with a Stuka dive-bombing siren!"
Buster picked himself up off the floor and put his eye back to the viewscope. They were plummeting into a V-shaped valley formed by two smooth, pink ridges. At the point where they came together was a thick jungle of tangled blonde bush, from which thrust a gleaming tower of blood-red crystal, thousands of feet high.
"How can this place exist?" wondered Buster. "The temperature outside should be hundreds of degrees, and the atmospheric pressure ninety times that of Earth!"
"We appear to have entered a realm in which the Laws of Common Sense do not apply," said Proton. "Brace yourselves, everyone. I'm setting her down!"
In a billowing cloud of smoke, Proton's rocket ship landed at the edge of the jungle. The hatchway opened and the three intrepid explorers stepped onto the surface of the alien world. Except for the blue grass, green sky, flowing purple rivers, and pink trees with their curling blonde leaves, it looked just like home!
"Good," said Proton, taking a deep breath of air. "This place has an oxygen atmosphere."
"Shouldn't you have found that out before opening the door?" asked Buster.
Proton was opening his mouth to make a disparaging comment about Buster's parentage when a loud roar erupted from the jungle, and from its dank darkness crawled a hideous creature! It had two heads, each of which had three gaping, slobbering mouths! Its eyes waved horribly on the end of long stalks, poison dripped from the claws of its twenty clutching hands, long tentacles slithered from its slimy body. At the sight of this dreadful monstrosity, Constance Goodheart sucked a great gulp of air into her impressive lungs to emit a long loud__
"AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed the hideous alien, pointing at Constance with every one of its hundred and twenty fingers.
But before the creature could flee, Captain Proton leaped fearlessly forward, grabbed a thick red tentacle and shook it vigorously.
"I bring you greetings from the planet Earth!" he said. "We come in peace."
"Stop pulling on my penis!" cried the alien's left head. "Or I'll be coming in great, gooey jets!"
Proton jumped backwards as if he'd received an electric shock. He quickly wiped his hand on his leather jacket.
"What rude creatures these off-worlders are!" said the alien's right head, shuddering in disgust. "Doesn't the mere sight of them fill us with terror? Look, they only have one head!"
"Speak for yourself!" replied Buster and Proton.
"We had hoped that a vessel from another world would bring beings like ourselves," said the left head sadly. "I am the last of my kind, doomed to perpetual loneliness. Why, after a thousand years of isolation, I've even begun to talk to myself!"
"You've always talked to yourself," scoffed Right Head.
"No I haven't!" replied Left Head.
"Yes you have!"
"No I haven't!"
"Yes you have!"
"If you're the only one of your kind," Proton interrupted, sensing that this argument might go on forever, "then who lives in that great crystal tower?"
"Other repulsive single-skulled organisms like yourselves. Listen! They come now in their sky craft. I must flee!" And the hideous alien took off into the jungle as fast as its fifty-five and a half legs could carry it.
It was then that Proton and his team heard an eerie humming sound that made the hairs on the back of their necks stand up, as a shining silver disk floated over the treetops. Standing upright on its gleaming surface were half a dozen beautiful women! Their firm breasts strained to escape from their low-cut blue tunics; their chiffon miniskirts fluttered in the slipstream, revealing tantalising glimpses of matching space panties.
"Somehow I don't think the old 'steal their uniforms and infiltrate their base' routine will work this time," muttered Buster, as the disk settled on the ground in a swirl of dust.
The women stepped off the hoveraft and surrounded Proton and his crew as fast as their high-heeled boots allowed. Each held a long silver rod, its tip glowing with a ruby-red light.
"I am Princess Aylarna, Leader of the Queen's Amazonian Guard," said a short brunette with fierce eyes. A gold tiara made her look as if she had curving ridges on her forehead, emphasising her scowl. "Who dares despoil our planet with the phallic arrogance of their tall rocket ship?"
Proton moved to stick out his hand, but the memory of his previous experience made him change it to an awkward wave. "Hiya dolls, I'm Captain Proton of the planet Earth. I come on behalf of all mankind."
The Venus women gasped at his words.
"Did you say Mankind?" cried Princess Aylarna. "Guards, seize them! Bind their testicles so that their evil weapons cannot harm us! Drag them in abject subjugation to the Fortress of Dildo!"
"Now hang on a minute, babe!" said Proton, reaching for his raygun. "Why don't we knock off the Gestapo routine and discuss this in a civilised manner, preferably over a candle-lit dinner for two__"
In reply Princess Aylarna raised her silver rod, and from its glowing tip shot a beam of yellow light that enveloped the three space explorers. In an instant Proton and his crew were frozen into immobility. No matter how much they tried, they simply could not move!
CAN PROTON ESCAPE FROM THE CROTCHES...I MEAN CLUTCHES OF THE BEAUTIFUL WOMEN OF VENUS? STAY TUNED FOR MORE THRILLING TALES OF WONDER AND EXCITEMENT!
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And now, back to the studio!
WHEN LAST SEEN, CAPTAIN PROTON AND HIS TEAM HAD BEEN CAPTURED BY THE BEAUTIFUL AMAZON WOMEN OF VENUS.
"I think...I can feel my limbs...getting some...sensation back," grunted Proton, as they were dragged by the testicles down the crystal corridors of the Fortress of Dildo.
"Is that good news or bad?" asked Buster, wincing at the sight of the guard's long painted nails gripping his crotch.
"Grovel, man-creatures!" cried Princess Aylarna, cracking a whip against her high-heeled jackboots. "You are about to enter the presence of her Royal Thighness, Queen Sapphia!" The guards threw open the doors and they were shoved bodily into an enormous amphitheatre. Its walls, roof and floor were polished red crystal that glowed with an inner light. Not a decoration, engraving or insignia marred that smooth surface. From a circular floor fifty feet in diameter, it ascended on all sides in stepped ranks. On these steps were lined thousands of guards, courtiers, functionaries, supplicants and dignitaries, their brilliant tunics and exposed panties creating a blinding array of colour.
"My God!" gasped Constance. "They're all..."
"Women," said Proton. "Not a man in sight. Apparently this is a civilisation without the need for sex."
"Civilisation without sex?" said Buster. "You call that civilisation?"
A loud tone echoed throughout the amphitheatre and, in a miracle never before seen by any man of Earth, thousands of chattering women fell instantly silent! To the grinding of ancient yet powerful machinery the floor split in two, its halves sliding apart to reveal a dark, bottomless pit. From these depths rose an incandescent throne of pure diamond, shaped like the delicate petals of a woman's sex. Seated upon it in regal splendour was a short, middle-aged woman, dressed in a metallic silver gown that showed off her majestic thighs and proud cleavage. A high-backed collar framed an attractive face locked in a rigid mask of command, fiery auburn hair piled in a tall beehive, and grey eyes as cold and pitiless as space itself.
"ALL HAIL QUEEN SAPPHIA!" cried the assembled multitudes. "RULER OF THE PLANET VENUS, GIVER OF PAIN AND PLEASURE, KEEPER OF THE NIPPLES OF POWER, CRUSHER OF THE TESTICLES OF MARS!"
The Queen raised a hand for silence. Her throne floated through the air towards the prisoners.
"Speak, Princess Aylarna. Who are these creatures who dared invade my realm?"
"They are Men, your Royal Loveliness."
A gasp of horror rippled throughout the amphitheatre.
"MEN?" cried the Queen, gripping the petals of her throne. "Have the minions of Mars returned? They shall pay dearly for their arrogance! I shall crush their gonads in my gauntleted fists! I shall impale their buttocks on my spike heels! I shall cut off their dicks and have them tanned for use as dildo holsters!"
Buster promptly shit himself.
"They said they came while pissed with their planet's dirt," explained Princess Aylarna.
"I said I came in peace from the planet Earth!" said Proton. "I am Captain Proton, Spaceman First Class, protector of Earth, defender of the universe, scourge of intergalactic evil, elite member of the Patrol Fleet of the Incorporated Planets__"
"Insolent man-creature!" cried the Princess, kicking him in the bollocks. "How dare you possess more titles than her Royal Lusciousness!"
"Earth...is that what you Men call it?" said the Queen contemptuously. "So this is your pathetic response to my attack. A captain who dresses like a participant in a Gay Mardi Gras, his space cadet of a boyfriend, and...what do we have here?" She leaned forward in her throne, staring intently at Constance Goodheart. "Have you ever seen such an impressive bosom, my subjects? Our scientists told me that the women of the third planet were mere primitives, still in the Kitchen Sink Age. But it appears they're more...developed than we anticipated, heh heh. Come closer, my pretty pretty."
"Keep your hands off her, you evil fiend!" cried Buster.
In response Queen Sapphia yanked open the front of her gown, exposing a pair of firm naked breasts tipped with glowing metallic nipples. Crimson beams of light shot from her teats and engulfed Proton's sidekick.
"AAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!" screamed Buster, writhing in agony.
"AAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" screamed Constance Goodheart, clutching her impressive bosom.
Queen Sapphia turned her nipples towards Proton's secretary. Two more beams shot out, enveloping Constance in a glowing blue aura.
"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Constance moaned. She ran her hands down the luscious curves of her body, shivering in pleasure.
"Yes, she is beautiful," said the Queen, staring at the woman with lust in her eyes. "I shall make her the next initiate to my bride-harem. She shall be the Seventh of Mine."
"But your Royal Looseness," cried Princess Aylarna. "You promised to make me your seventh bride!"
"It shall be a historic occasion," said Queen Sapphia, ignoring her protest. "A woman of Earth and a woman of Venus shall come together, again and again, in royal matrimony."
"My God, Proton!" gasped Buster. "They're all lesbians!"
"Well what do you think we do for fun...macramé?" asked Queen Sapphia. "True, long ago the Women of Venus and the Men of Mars lived side by side, like a pair of succulent breasts in a well-filled brassiere. Together the two genders sowed the seeds of life on your world. But Man became arrogant and sought dominion over all Women. For centuries they ground us under their sweaty loins and forced us to wash, iron, and swallow." The Queen's tits shook with anger at the thought, making the entire royal court duck for cover. "What happened next is lost in the mists of legend. We have only bits and pieces of information, but what we know for certain is that at one point all Women were united in celebration. We marveled at our own magnificence as we gave birth...to A.I."
"No, Artificial Insemination. In one fell stroke, Mankind became obsolete. Why should we tolerate the supremacy of a gender that's only useful for moving heavy pieces of furniture? Our sex rose up against their enslavement in a war that lasted a thousand years! Only with my invention of the ultimate weapon, the Beta Disintegrator, was I able to seize victory by rendering the entire planet of Mars uninhabitable."
"Sounds to me like a classic case of Venus Envy," scoffed Proton. "Look at all the great things mankind has achieved on Earth. War, crime, and lawyers have been abolished. Every housewife has an automatic dishwashing robot. Atomic power stations provide safe and efficient energy to billions. Computers are so powerful that only five are needed worldwide. Hunger and famine have been eliminated through the invention of Soylent Green. DDT has wiped out malaria-carrying mosquitoes and those pesky birds that used to crap all over everything. McDonalds franchises can be found everywhere from the Moon to the bottom of the ocean. Why, we were making our first leap into interstellar space by 1990!"
Raybeams blasted from the Queen's nuclear-powered nipples, striking Proton right in the gonads. "You patriarchal pansy!" she raged. "How dare you imply that your pathetic pack of furniture removalists is superior to Women! I shall throw you to the Bore Worms for your insolence!"
"No, not the Bore Worms!" cried Constance. She frowned. "Er...what are the Bore Worms?"
"The most boring creatures in existence," said Princess Aylarna. "They handle all our legal affairs. Many have gone mad listening to their endless prattle. But your Political Correctness, may I suggest a more insidious fate for these Earth spies. Let me take them to the Succuba, so that their seed may be drained to create our future generations."
"You make take this one," said the Queen, pointing at Buster Kincaid. "The one known as Proton will be fed to the Giant Toothed Vagina of Freudian Nightmares for his impertinence. As for the girl, since she appears to have no mind of her own, let us give her one. Send for my Royal Cyber-Surgeon and instruct her to prepare the brain implants."
"AAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" screamed Constance as she was dragged off.
"And tell her to do something about that damn screaming!"
WHAT DIRE DESTINY AWAITS CONSTANCE GOODHEART AT THE DREADED DILDO OF HER ROYAL DYKENESS? WILL CAPTAIN PROTON FINALLY MEET HIS DOOM AT THE TERRIBLE TEETH OF THE TOOTHED TWAT? WILL BUSTER BE SUCKED DRY BY THE SINISTER SUCCUBUS...AND DOES HE CARE? STAY TUNED FOR MORE ADVENTURES OF CAPTAIN PROTON!
Good evening Mr and Mrs North America, here is the news. Great Britain declares that the partitioning of Palestine will create peace in the Middle East. The War Department has announced that aircraft will play no major role in future conflicts, and anyone who says otherwise will be court-martialed. German Chancellor Adolf Hitler claims he has no designs on Europe, as his panzer tanks are just made out of cardboard. And in a bulletin just in, J. Edgar Hoover says that the FBI has foiled a plot by communist sailors to 'paint the town red'. And now, back to the studio.
THE ADVENTURES OF CAPTAIN PROTON CONTINUE!
Queen Sapphia's titanium-armoured Battle Panties clanked menacingly as she strode into her Sexual Experimentation Chamber. "Report, Cyber-Surgeon Seska."
Cyber-Surgeon Seska was a sinister-looking redhead in a black latex bodysuit and enormous earmuffs. She hovered over a stainless steel gynecology table on which Constance Goodheart was bound. At first glance Proton's secretary appeared to have been sprayed with silver body paint, but she was actually dressed in a skintight crotchless catsuit.
"Greetings, Degenerate One," said Seska sycophantically. "The air itself seems to vibrate in your presence."
Sapphia frowned, pressing a large red button on her Battle Panties. A hatch sprang open in the crotch. She reached in and switched something off with an audible click.
"Sorry about that. Now, how are you progressing with the Earthling female? And why are you wearing those ridiculous earmuffs?"
It was at that moment that Constance opened her eyes to see the Queen standing over her.
"By the Divine Monosyllable!" exclaimed Sapphia, clasping her hands over her ears. "Can't the cursed woman say anything else?"
"It appears to be some kind of sonic defence mechanism," said Seska. "Apparently these Earthlings are more formidable than we anticipated. For instance, when I used the Brain Probe to examine her mind, all I came up with was a complete blank!"
"What have you done to me?" gasped Constance Goodheart, trying to peer over her mammarial mountain range at her cling-wrapped body.
The Queen and her Cyber-Surgeon laughed wickedly.
"We have improved you, my Bountiful-Chested One," purred Seska. "Your mind and body have been implanted with numerous robotic pleasure devices, so that you may better service the insatiable needs of her Royal Succulence. Allow me to demonstrate."
Seska turned a dial on a box she was holding, and the catsuit began to radiate a blue aura. Constance could not restrain a low moan of ecstasy. It felt like waves of pleasure were bombarding her body from all directions.
"Enjoying yourself, my dear? That is merely the lowest setting." Seska gave the dial a savage twist.
"OOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" cried Constance, thrashing wildly against her restraints. The fabric over her breasts tightened from the sudden extrusion of her robotic nipples.
"Oh very nice!" said the Queen, applauding loudly. "What other sweeteners have you added to this delectable creature?"
"First, I enhanced her brain with a cortical computer programmed with intimate knowledge of the Eight Hundred and Forty-Seven Sexual Positions developed by your Love Laboratories. Next, I gave her a cybernetic tongue with a variable stroke rate of 1-1000 licks per second! That exoskeleton on her hand converts her fingers into self-guiding autonomous vibrators with built-in G-spot assimilation. After that I spent hours shaving the curly blonde hairs from around her vagina, inserting glands that secrete aphrodisiacal lubricants in five different flavours. Then I spread my legs on the nearest table and pushed a thick rubber probe up my cunt."
The Queen frowned. "How did that improve her body?"
"It didn't. By that stage I just had to get off."
"You'll never get away with this!" gasped Constance, her monumental bosom heaving with sexual exertion. "Captain Proton will save me, and put an end to your evil reign!"
"How dare you call on a Man to rescue you from my carnal appetites!" cried the Queen. "Hold your tongue unless it is being used to lick my lunchbox!"
"Or what?" scoffed the blonde beauty. "You'll eat my pussy?"
"Noooo," said the Queen, smirking sinisterly. "My pussy will eat you! Even as we speak Captain Proton is being devoured by my Muff Monster, while your world crumbles to rubble under the blasts of my Beta Disintegrator." Sapphia raised her eyes to the ceiling, as if she could see across the vastness of space to the ruined cities of Earth. "It's like I can feel that blue globe being squeezed in my hands," she said, unaware she was actually fondling Constance's left tit. "Ohhhh yes, let me clutch it! I can feel it so bad I want to taste it__"
Suddenly Princess Aylarna burst into the Sexual Experimentation Chamber.
"How dare you disturb the Queen when she is having an affair...of State!" cried Sapphia.
"Your Lewdness," growled Aylarna, her dark eyes flaring at the sight of the Queen copping a feel of the Earth chick. "Proton has escaped!"
"FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!" cried Sapphia. "How dare you let yourself be outwitted by that walking dildo! How did this happen?"
"It appears that Proton broke out of his cell using the hardest substance known to science...his penis! Then he clubbed the sentries unconscious with his enormous donger, blocked the entrance to the guard quarters with heavy furniture, and used his jockstrap as an improvised catapult to fling himself over the prison walls and into the Golden Jungle."
"But was he not devoured by the Giant Toothed Vagina? And why did you not pursue him?"
"Your Muff Monster is a lesbian, remember? It doesn't eat guys. And have you ever tried chasing someone in these stupid high heels?"
Sapphia's breastplate burst apart from the binary blasts of her Nipples of Power.
"You moronic muff-muncher!" she raged, as Aylarna writhed under her pain beams. "To think I once let you munch my unmentionables! You are to gather your fiercest bull dykes and hunt Proton through the jungle like the crab louse he is!"
"But my Queen," gasped Aylarna. "The Golden Jungle is the realm of our sworn enemies - the Wood Nymphs!" She screamed as the Queen gave her another blast.
"Are you frightened of a few treehuggers?" raged Sapphia. "I want Proton's head and testicles decorating my halls by sundown, or so help me I will do things to your ovaries not even grey alien abductors would contemplate!"
"Is that an Earth sundown or a Venus sundown?" asked Seska. "Because sundown on Venus only occurs once every 243 Earth days__"
"How dare you let scientific accuracy get in the way of my evil ranting!" shouted the Queen. "Get out the pair of you!"
Her eyes blazing fiercely, Sapphia turned on her bound captive. Constance shivered in fear as she saw the remote control box clutched in the Queen's black-gloved hand.
"And now, my pretty pretty, we'll see who's better at helping you achieve orbit - myself or your beloved Captain Prick-Ton!"
Her finger stabbed down on a button as if trying to crush it. Dozens of extendable display racks exploded from the walls, chockfull of an endless number of sexual entertainment devices.
"Decisions, decisions," murmured Sapphia. "Noooo...these are too mechanistic. I need something more primal..."
The racks shunted back into the walls as Sapphia strode across the chamber to a long tank filled with green slimy liquid. Without hesitation she plunged her hand into its dank depths, pulling out a struggling, snakelike creature. It had a sinuous black body dimpled with concentric circular ridges, and long sensuous feelers instead of eyes.
"AAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" screamed Constance, as the Queen advanced towards her, the serpent writhing against her tight grip.
"Oh you'll be screaming a lot louder than that, my dear. This creature is called a Vaginasaur. Note how it secretes an oily lubricant in an attempt to escape my hold. Soon it will flee down the first moist, dark hole it senses, calling for help by means of strong ultrasonic vibrations. The more you struggle, the more it writhes inside your body, the more lubricant it produces, the stronger the vibrations, until you achieve an endless cycle of orgasmic pleasure!"
Suddenly the vaginasaur spurted out of Sapphia's hands, slithering with single-minded purpose over the bound body of Constance Goodheart. Instinctively it made for the union of her long lithe legs, splayed and vulnerable to invasion. Constance's eyes shot wide open as she felt the creature nuzzle its bulbous head against her sex, its delicate feelers stroking the ultra-sensitive surfaces of her thighs. With a single thrust of its powerful peristaltic muscles, the vaginasaur thrust itself right up the full length of her hot wet__
AND THAT'S ALL WE HAVE TIME FOR BOYS AND GIRLS! TUNE IN NEXT WEEK FOR ANOTHER EXCITING CHAPTER IN...CAPTAIN PROTON AND THE NAKED NYMPHOMANIACS!
THE ADVENTURES OF CAPTAIN PROTON!
CHAPTER 70: NAKED NYMPHOMANIACS!
(This episode is sponsored by the American Asbestos Corporation. Did you know that asbestos, due to its excellent fire resistant qualities, is used in public and private buildings throughout our great country? Asbestos - serving the long-term health and safety of all Americans!)
WHEN LAST SEEN, PROTON WAS FLEEING THROUGH THE SWELTERING JUNGLES OF VENUS, PURSUED BY THE AMAZON WARRIORS OF THE EVIL QUEEN SAPPHIA!
Captain Proton struggled through the tangled undergrowth as the sounds of pursuit grew ever closer. Sweat saturated his turtleneck pullover and ruined his dashing haircut. His boots caught on pink, fleshy creepers and sank deep into the boggy ground. He could hear the eerie cries of alien birds flitting through the trees, the hunting calls of savage predators, the lowing of the Queen's bull dykes.
'It's no use,' Proton thought. 'They're catching up with me. I've got to stand and fight...but with what?'
He seized a thick branch on the nearest tree. It was soft and pliant, not hard and brittle like those of Earth. It bent and stretched under his grip, but would not break off! Desperately, Proton grabbed a thinner branch and yanked on it with all his might.
To Proton's shock, he realised he was holding the arm of young girl! She had elf-like ears, small pert breasts, and eyes as large and luminous as those of a Japanese manga heroine. Her pink skin and short bob of blonde hair exactly matched the colours of the tree she'd been hiding in. The only thing she wore were a pair of handmade leather boots that reached up to her knees, and an equipment belt wrapped around her tiny waist. Her gear was a curious mix; a blowgun and quiver of bone darts hung alongside an electronic proximity detector. Its battered metal casing was marked with faded ideographs that Proton had last seen on the ancient ruins of Mars.
"Don't be alarmed," said Proton, as the girl tried to pull away. "I won't hurt you. What's your name?"
"Always glad to oblige," said Proton, bending down to her lips.
"No, that's my nammm-mmmm-mmme!" said Kis, finally coming up for air. Her eyes seemed to double in diameter as she felt Proton's involuntary response to their smooch.
"But you're...you're a Man!"
"Captain Proton," he said gallantly, willing his hard-on to subside. "Spaceman First Class, protector of Earth, scourge of intergalactic evil, at your service."
Kis' response was to drop to her knees, undo Proton's fly, and enthusiastically worship his cock with her cute, perky mouth.
"OH MY GOD...ah, listen d-d-doll, mmmuch as I enJOY First C-Contact pro-oh-oh-OH-tocols (jesus!) but RIGHT n-now I'm being chased by-by-BY! s-some rather NNNNNASTY people!"
The girl's proximity detector emitted a quiet but very distinct beep.
Kis took her mouth off him and said huskily: "Come."
"Some other time!" said Proton, frantically trying to stuff a massive erection back into his tight trousers.
"No, come!" said Kis, gently tugging on his penis. "Come with me, now!"
Proton stumbled after Kis as she led him by the dick into a grove of bizarre-looking trees. Their trunks resembled squat fat jugs, each narrowing into a single fleshy branch topped by a man-sized bulb. They produced a pleasant, albeit alien fragrance.
"Don't touch the roots," whispered Kis.
Proton looked down and saw a thick tangle of roots sprawling out from the base of each tree. Abandoning his struggles with his fly, he placed his feet carefully between them. "Why? What would happen if..." He looked up. "Kis?"
The girl had vanished into thin air.
"Uh oh. I've got a bad feeling about this."
With a ferocious roar two huge women burst through the trees. They had beards like buffaloes, more muscles than the Governor of California, and two great horns sticking out of their heads. At the sight of Proton's exposed cock, one of the bull dykes gave a loud snort of derision.
"Is that supposed to impress me?" she said. "Well my horns are bigger!"
"Come on, let's get this over with," said the other, strapping on an Anal Invader of terrifying proportions. "You hold him down and I'll fuck him."
"We've no time for the usual execution rites," said a familiar voice. Proton spun round to find Aylarna pointing her power rod at his prostate gland. "The Wood Nymphs could be here any minute. You may have come in peace, Proton, but you'll be going back in pieces! Goodbye, and Good Riddance!"
WILL PROTON'S BALLS HANG FROM THE WALLS OF THE QUEEN'S HALLS? WILL AYLARNA MAKE A TROPHY OF PROTON'S BANANA? IS CONSTANCE FATED TO BECOME THE QUEEN'S CUNT-EATING CONCUBINE? DOES THE CRYPTIC KIS SWALLOW WHEN SHE...AH BUGGER IT, LET'S GET ON WITH THE STORY.
The tip of Princess Aylarna's power rod was a glaring red eye as she prepared to blast Proton into oblivion. The bull dykes gathered close, snorting and pawing the ground in anticipation.
One of their hooves struck a root.
With an ear-splitting screech, the trees exploded into violent motion! Their bulbs split apart into hundreds of tentacles, rimming ghastly mouths lined with endless spirals of teeth. In a whiplike motion they reached down and seized the nearest bull dyke. Red light blasted from Aylarna's power rod, scorching away fibrous chunks of the carnivorous creatures, but it was too late. The bull dyke barely had time to bellow before she was devoured. Even as Proton watched, another plant swooped down on the princess from behind and lifted her into the air, legs kicking helplessly. The other bull dyke turned to flee, but two darts sprouted from her chest, and she fell lifeless to the ground.
Proton grabbed Aylarna's power rod from where it had fallen. Stepping between the roots, he advanced on the plant which had seized the princess. "Let her go, you overgrown stick of celery!"
A hand caught his arm. "Leave her!" said Kis. "The Amazons are our mortal enemies! Leave her!"
Aylarna was cursing in Low Genitalese as she struggled with the tentacles that gripped her body. Slowly but surely, she was being pulled into that hideous maw.
Proton shook off Kis' hand. He twisted the base of the power rod until its tip glowed bright blue. Desperately hoping he had the right setting, Proton pointed the weapon and squeezed the handle.
A blue beam shot out and enveloped the predacious plant like an amorphous blanket. The tree shuddered, its tentacles went slack and Aylarna dropped to the ground with a bone-jarring thud. Proton swept the beam across the grove. The other plants shook as if in ecstasy, their bulbs closing tight and becoming still once more.
"What...on Venus...did you do...that for?" groaned Aylarna.
"It's called Humanity," said Proton, as he checked her for injuries.
"I might have known the word 'man' would be in there somewhere." Aylarna looked past his shoulder and abruptly stiffened.
Proton turned to find a dozen beautiful naked nymphs, all with pink skin, blonde hair and cute pointed ears, aiming a small arsenal of weaponry at them.
Proton sighed, raised his hands, and gave the Authorised First Contact Protocol of the Patrol Fleet of the Incorporated Planets.
"OK dolls. Take me to your leader."
Buster Kincaid awoke to find himself naked and bound with steel shackles to a shiny metal platform. Two identical beauties, in five-inch heels and white lab coats that barely covered the bold thrust of their foxy asses, hovered over him with ravenous looks in their eyes.
"Greetings, Man of Earth," purred one of them. "I am Megii, and this is my twin sister Jenii. We are the Succubus."
"Torture me all you want!" declared Buster bravely. "You can whip me, beat me, subject me to more sexual humiliation than a detainee in Abu Ghraib jail, but I'll never crack!"
"Ohhhh, but it's not information we want," purred Jenii, stroking a long painted fingernail down the length of his chest.
"We require your Manseed," said Megii. "We shall drain you of the essence from which all life springs. Your death will be the most exquisite demise imaginable."
"You'll be our puppet," said Jenii.
"By the time we're through with you, you'll be begging to give us everything you can blow."
"Errrr...my mother told me never to have unprotected sex with strangers!" stammered Buster.
"What protection do you require?" asked Jenii, as her hand slid down to encircle his cock.
The twins laughed, licking their carmine lips with tongues made long and limber through generations of evolved cunnilinguists. Cackling evilly, they attached an anaconda-sized suction tube to his penis. Desperately Buster recited the mantra learned by all space cadets at the Interplanetary Patrol Academy.
"I must drink beer. Beer is the mind killer. Beer brings the hangover that causes total obliteration. I will scull my beer. I will let it pass through me, till only urine remains!"
It was no use. His cock stirred like a rousing serpent as Megii and Jenii slipped off their lab coats to reveal their sheer white stockings and lace-edged suspenders. Tantalising wisps of dark pubic hair curled over the top of skimpy pink panties, and three-inch nipples sprung from the tips of their bare naked breasts.
Buster shut his eyes tight. "The procedure for assembling a General Dynamics Class IV Rocket Engine is as follows: Insert the long tribanium rod into the moist cunt...I mean the Moise-Carver termination socket. Do not attempt to force the rod if it becomes stuck, but instead come, I mean coat the rod in ejaculate...ejection lubricant in order to ease its passage into the tight hole__"
A loud moan made him open his eyes again. Megii had her sister up on the table next to him, her legs spread wider than the far reaches of the universe. They were committing an act of incest so perverted not even mad Roman Emperors would have considered it.
"The President of Earth naked!" babbled Buster. "The cold depths of space, ahhh...the Giant Toothed Vagina of Freudian Nightmares! The Slime-Dripping Sludge Monster of Stenchia III!"
"His will is strong," said Megii, as she came up for air. "Or he's a complete limp dick; it matters little. We shall delve into the dark realms of his hidden desires and awake his most perverted fantasies. Bring me the brain probe!"
"The what?" asked Jenii, a glazed look in her eyes.
"The brain probe, you insolent fool!"
"Oh right," said Jenii. "Is that the one you stuck up my (CENSORED)?"
"No you dimwitted dildo, it's the one you used to rub my (CENSORED) as I stuck my tongue up your (CENSORED) while simultaneously inserting a (CENSORED) up your (CENSORED), you (CENSORED) (CENSORED) (CENSORED)!"
Jenii rummaged through a box containing more probes than the entire Mariner space program.
"Here we are," she said triumphantly. She wiped off the lubricant and began to insert the probe into Buster's left ear.
"ARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Buster, who felt as if his whole head was being readied for spit-roasting.
"Stop complaining!" said Megii. "If we followed tradition we'd be sticking this probe up your__"
Buster was walking in an open field.
It was the field on which they'd first landed on Venus. The wind ruffled the blue grass, the blonde leaves of the trees, the sandy-blond hair of Captain Proton as they strode back to their rocket ship. It stood tall and proud, a symbol of the technical superiority of mankind, pointing the way back to Earth.
"What happened?" asked Buster, looking around confused.
"Don't you remember?" said Proton, smiling warmly at him.
"The last thing I remember..." Buster frowned. "I was being prick-teased...I mean tortured by the Succubus."
"The Brain Probe must have damaged your memory," said Proton, placing a comforting arm around his shoulder. "You held out for days until I was able to rescue you. You're a real trooper, Kincaid. One of the best."
The praise made Buster's heart swell. "We saved Earth again, I take it?"
"Of course. Queen Sapphia has been defeated and her Beta Disintegrator destroyed. And it's all thanks to you." Proton opened the hatch and stepped inside, Buster following like an eager puppy.
"I sent her to powder her nose for a few hours," said Proton, bending over an instrument panel. "We don't want to be disturbed."
"Err...disturbed?" asked Buster, his breath catching. His captain's trousers had pulled tight into the twin mounds of his ass.
"Yes," said Proton, smiling over his shoulder at him. "Now's your chance to show me why they call you Buster."
MEANWHILE, BACK IN THE GOLDEN JUNGLE, CAPTAIN PROTON WAS INTRODUCING PRINCESS AYLARNA TO AN OLD EARTH CUSTOM.
"Well, do you like it?" asked Proton. "Better than your bearded clams, I'll bet."
"Mmm-mmmmmmm-mmmmmm!" was all Aylarna could say.
"Don't talk with your mouth full," advised Proton. "Just enjoy that good 'ole American meat."
"Mmm! It tastes better than I thought it would!"
"Careful! Don't squeeze so hard, it's going to spurt all over you!"
"Oh-oh-oh! I've got...I've got white stuff all over my hands!"
"Well, just lick it off. It's not poisonous."
"What do you call this again?"
"Well I must admit," said Aylarna as she licked mayonnaise off her fingers. "Up till now I always thought the only thing you Men could invent was a better furniture dolly."
They were sitting on the banks of a glittering purple stream. Naked nymphs sang in alluring tones as they bathed in the cool waters, soaping each other's slim, nubile bodies. Others gathered flowers to garland their hair, or tasty mushrooms which made them stare into space with rapt expressions on their faces.
"I don't see your problem," said Proton. "They seem quite beautiful to me. A people in harmony with nature."
Aylarna shot a contemptuous look over her shoulder. Two Wood Nymphs were standing a few feet away, pointing rayguns that showed clear signs of age at her head.
"They're traitors," she said. "In the War Between the Sexes the Nymphomaniacs fought on the side of Mars. They worship Men and those built-in dildos you've got swinging between your legs. So if you play your cards right, you could spend the rest of your life here coming on behalf of all Mankind."
"I'll take a raincheck, seeing as that maniac queen of yours is trying to wipe out my entire planet. What I don't understand is why you're helping her do it."
"What do you expect me to do?" snapped Aylarna. "Turn against my entire cultural, sexual, and socio-political upbringing, simply because I've sampled your prime American beef?"
"Sure doll, happens all the time."
Proton looked up as Kis approached, her eyes demurely downcast so she could check out his crotch. "The Divine Prophetess Chukotai has arrived, Mighty Proton. She wishes to speak to you."
"Her too," said Proton, pointing at Aylarna.
"As you wish, your Incredible Hardness."
Aylarna rolled her eyes in disgust, muttering something about a fish without a bicycle.
Kis led them down a winding path to a large clearing in the midst of the jungle. Broad-leafed tree canopies had interwoven with a net of climbing vines to form a great bower, concealing them from airborne eyes. The only object inside the clearing was a single stone chair, shaped like a man's erect penis. A woman clothed in white body paint was seated in the pouch of its scrotum. She wore a wooden mask carved to resemble the square-jawed features of a handsome male warrior, his forehead marked by tattooed words in ancient Martian: 'Death Before Dildos'. Hundreds of Wood Nymphs were gathered in the branches of the surrounding trees, staring at Proton with reverence and Aylarna with hatred.
"It was said that a Man would come." The voice from behind the mask was soft, yet carried an unmistakable authority.
"A Man would Come," repeated the Nymphs, shivering with pleasure over the last word.
"It was said that a Man would come, tall and handsome like the Heroes of Mars, girded with a mighty weapon between his legs. A Man who would restore Man to his rightful supremacy. A Man who would lead us to victory over the evil forces of Amazonia. And so a Man has come."
"A Man has Come."
"Captain Proton, the Nymphomaniacs of the Wood are ready and willing to assist the armies of Planet Earth. We greet you with open arms and legs. Together we will destroy the terrible Queen Sapphia and all those who go down...I mean bow down before her."
"Down with the Fortress of Dildo!" cried the Wood Nymphs. "Up the Erections of Earth!"
"Now hold on a minute," said Proton. "I think there's been a misunderstanding. I was sent here to stop the attacks on my planet, not lead an invasion. Where I come from we've learned to settle our disputes peacefully."
"There can be no peace between Amazons and Nymphs," said the Divine Prophetess Chukotai. "They worship at the Altar of Hymen, we kneel before the Great Woody. We eat corn the long way, they drink from the fuzzy cup of love. The shadow of the Fortress of Dildo lies like a harbinger of death over our beautiful Golden Jungle. Even as we speak, trees are being cut down to fuel the insatiable appetites of Queen Sapphia's industrial machine. When our jungle has been shaved bare, the Wood Nymphs will be erased from the face of this planet as if they had never existed."
"And it's no more than you deserve, you treacherous fellatio fanatics!" shouted Aylarna. "When Queen Sapphia finds out I've been captured__"
"Your Queen has abandoned you," said Chukotai. "Sapphia has announced her union with the Earthling Constance Goodheart. She is to be her Seventh bride."
"What?" gasped Aylarna. "You mean...I've been tossed over, just because Sapphia wants the title role in I Married A Pair of Mammary Glands From Outer Space?"
"Happens all the time," said Proton. "Look dolls, let's get one thing straight. There's no way I'm starting another thousand year war between the sexes. I'm here to destroy the Queen's Beta Disintegrator, and that's it! Are you going to help me or not?"
"But your Longness," said Kis. "We would gladly assist you, but the few rayguns we have are obsolete. Without new weapons from Earth our people will be massacred. We no longer have the technology to build more."
"You could always try feeding some trees to a furnace or two," muttered Aylarna. Proton gave her a sharp kick on the ankle.
"Actually, I know just the man to help you," he said. "Ladies and er...ladies, I would like to introduce the greatest scientist our planet has ever produced. Five time winner of the Galactic Star, internationally famous opera singer, writer of several best-selling holographic novels (plus some rather embarrassing love sonnets) and a pretty competent doctor as well, though he's always denied it since Dr Chaotica discredited the profession. I give you...the President of Earth!"
Proton pushed a button on his chest-mounted control panel. To the stirring strains of 'Hail to the Chief' a single photon flared into life. Then another, followed by thousands more. Optronic pathways connected, subroutines emerged from the chaos, and before the startled gaze of the Venusians, a fully sentient hologram of the President of Earth was born. It was precise in every detail: the permanent frown, the wireframe glasses, the solar-powered head. The Wood Nymphs dropped to their knees in awe.
"Well really," scoffed Aylarna. "Just because he looks like a dick..."
"Please state the nature of the sexual emergency," said the holographic President. "Impotence, eh? Then Extra-Strength Viagra is the answer to your prayers!"
"Oh not again!" said Proton. He twisted a dial, making the hologram crackle like a badly tuned radio.
"Nine out of ten doctors report massive hard-ons...unimpeachable performance...read my lips, no new taxes...help me obi-wan kenobi, you're my only hope...I did not have sex with that woman...err, Citizens of Venus, I bring you greetings from the planet Earth!"
"Mr President," said Proton. "Have you been monitoring the situation?"
"Of course," said the hologram snootily. "While you've been carrying out your continuing mission to explore strange new girls, I have been more productively engaged in analysing that weapon you captured from the Princess. It appears to work by means of a Trenasian crystal that amplifies a coherent stream of monochromatic light while simultaneously adjusting the amplitude__" The President stopped when he realised everyone was staring blankly at him.
"It's a raygun, OK?"
"Can you build similar weapons with the resources we have here?" asked Proton.
"I'm a scientist, not a miracle worker. However, as you've noticed, the raybeam of these weapons can be modulated to produce different effects - immobilisation, pain, disintegration, even pleasure. Now I can't deflect these beams, but I can adjust their amplitude to make them less deadly. What you need is the Trenasian crystal from the Destructo Beam on your rocket ship, which you can then use to construct a Photo-Stimulated Non-coherent Diametrical Resonating Field Amplitude Modifier."
"Is that difficult to make?" asked Kis, her eyes wide as always.
"No, but it was bloody difficult to say."
"But a device like that would have a limited range," said Proton. "And there's only one Trenasian crystal on board my rocket ship."
The President rolled his eyes in exasperation. "Must I think of everything, Proton? The Fortress of Dildo is made of Trenasian crystal. I'm a politician (not a doctor of sociology), but didn't you find it odd that a culture which despises all forms of patriarchy would built such a blatantly phallic structure?"
"The Queen's Beta Disintegrator!"
"Exactly. The so-called Fortress of Dildo is actually a device for focusing the energies of this world. I hypothesize that it was originally designed to power the Contraceptive Shield that protects Venusians from their hostile atmosphere. It was Queen Sapphia who realised its potential as a weapon of mass destruction."
"Then we can't destroy it," said Proton.
"No. You'd collapse the Shield and kill every living thing on Venus. However, we can use this weapon against itself. By placing the Photo-Stimulated Non-coherent Diamet...the whatsit at the focal point of the beam, its effects will resonate throughout the crystal structure of the fortress. That should render all weapons in the vicinity impotent. And before you ask," he said, as Proton opened his mouth again, "from the shape of its construction, I'd say the focal point is the amphitheatre where you first met the Queen."
"There is a problem, your Baldness," said Chukotai. "Proton's rocket ship has been hidden away in the Royal Labia-rinth, where it is guarded by the Hideous Gobblsnutch."
A shiver of fear rippled through the Nymphs like a collective orgasm.
"And what," asked Proton, "is a Hideous Gobblsnutch?"
"A dreadful creature," gasped Kis, her eyes widening so much they met in the middle of her face. "It has two heads, six gaping slobbering mouths, twenty clutching hands with poisonous claws, eyes on long stalks__"
"Oh, THAT Hideous Gobblsnutch."
"Oh no, it's you again," said the Right Head of the Hideous Gobblsnutch. "Proton the Penis-Puller."
"You can't have your rocket ship back," said Left Head. "Go away. I warn you, I'm ferocious! Grrrr! Grrrrrrr! GRRRRRRRRRRR!!!"
"I've come to offer you a proposition," said Proton, holding his nose against the repellant stink of the Labia-rinth. "God, when was the last time this place had a douche?"
"If you can't appreciate my cologne, then leave," said Right Head. "And you can stick your proposition up your solitary orifice. We're not interested in gold, fine jewels, or sacrifices of beautiful virgin dragons."
"The only reason that Sapphia bitch leaves us alone is because we keep out unwanted guests," said Left Head. "So shoo!"
"When we first met you said you were the last of your kind," said Proton. "That you hoped to meet other beings like yourself."
"Did I say that?" asked Right Head.
"No, that was me," said Left Head.
"You are me!"
"In my adventures I have traveled throughout the galaxy," continued Proton. "I have sailed the canals of Mars, skirted the rings of Saturn, battled the foul stench of Uranus__"
"That's not the galaxy, that's only the solar system!"
"Whatever. The point is, in my travels I have encountered many hideous...I mean handsome creatures like yourself. If you show me where the Queen's hidden my rocket ship, I can take you off this planet to any place you wish."
"Ohhhh, I don't know..." said Left Head, quivering with fear and indecision.
"Can't you make up your mind for once?" snapped Right Head.
"How can I when I've got two of them!"
"Just think," said Proton temptingly. "Bug-eyed monsters, giant crawling eyes, multi-headed slime serpents, man-eating spiders fifty feet high..."
"Ohhhh, they sound gorgeous," said Left Head. "Will you set up a date?"
"I'll even chaperone."
"It's a deal!" said both heads simultaneously. The Hideous Gobblsnutch extended a thick tentacle. "Shake on it?"
"That's your penis," said Proton dryly.
CAN PROTON LIVE WITH THE KNOWLEDGE THAT SOMEONE'S DICK IS BIGGER THAN HIS? CAN CONSTANCE BE SAVED FROM MUFF-MUNCHING MATRIMONY? WILL BUSTER SUCCEED IN BUSTING OUT OF THE CLOSET? FIND OUT IN THE NEXT EXCITING CHAPTER...CAPTAIN PROTON AND THE DILDO OF DOOM!
THE ADVENTURES OF CAPTAIN PROTON!
CHAPTER 71: DILDO OF DOOM!
(This episode is sponsored by Delta Coffee. Do you feel like the woes of over a hundred people are resting on your shoulders? Are you stranded so far from home it'll take an eternity to get back? Is your sex life a mere memory, and your personality changing from one week to the next? Well a nice, soothing, triple-strength mug of Delta will cure all your ills! One swig will have you taking off, just like Captain Proton! Delta Coffee, the Number One choice of all starship captains!)
Throbbing with an elemental force, the phallic fastness of the Fortress of Dildo thrust its way into the Venusian sky. Its crystal surfaces glowed with power, casting a blood-red light over the crouching forms of Proton, Aylarna, and the Wood Nymphs. They were hidden in the undergrowth at the edge of the Golden Jungle. Proton had retrieved several rayguns from his rocket ship, but most of the Nymphs were still armed with their antiquated beam weapons, or primitive blowguns.
Proton hefted his rocket pack. "Remember Kis, no heroics; that's my department. You've only got to draw the guards out of the fortress while I plant the President's device."
Kis placed a gentle kiss on his cheek, and a groping hand on his buttocks. "Be careful."
Proton grinned. "Where's the fun in that?" He turned to Princess Aylarna and sliced through her bonds with a knife. There was a collective gasp amongst the Nymphs as he held out a power rod. "I'll have a better chance of success if I take someone who knows the layout of that place."
Aylarna made no effort to take back her weapon. "Why should I help save your male chauvinist planet?"
"Because there are billions of women on Earth," said Proton. "Of all different races, creeds and bra sizes, living and co-existing with men. That's what your Queen Sapphia finds so threatening. Should they die because of her hatred?"
Aylarna stared at him for a long moment, then reached out and took the power rod. "Alright," she said reluctantly, "but don't expect me to do the mopping up!"
Proton pulled his aviator goggles down over his eyes. "OK babe, just wrap your arms around me and hold on, 'cause we're going for one hell of a ride."
"I've heard that one before," muttered Aylarna, hugging him tight.
Smoke and flame belched from the nozzles of Proton's rocket pack, and with a deafening roar they blasted into the air.
"Dammit Proton, your control knobs are digging into my tits!" yelled Aylarna, as they rocketed towards the top of the Fortress of Dildo.
"You think you've got problems? My ass is being roasted like a Christmas turkey!" He peered ahead at the onrushing face of the colossus. "Hold on, I'm aiming for the last window on the left!"
"Are you crazy? You're going to fly through a plate glass window at 100 miles an hour?"
"Sure doll, happens all the TIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIME!" In a deafening explosion of glass they smashed through, ricocheting around the room like a manic pinball.
"Turn the (CENSORED) rockets off!" screamed Aylarna, as her head smacked into a wall for the third time.
"I can't get my hand past your (CENSORED) tits!" shouted Proton. With an almighty sploosh! they landed right in the middle of an enormous vat of sticky white fluid.
"What the hell is this stuff?" asked Aylarna, wiping the glutinous substance from her face. "Mayonnaise?"
"Errr, I don't think it's mayonnaise, exactly..."
Two identical pretty heads appeared over the edge of the vat, pouting in fury.
"You DILLdos!" fumed Megii. "You've ruined our latest supply of Manseed!"
"We spent ages draining the Earth Man!" raged Jenii. "Now we'll have to start all over again!"
"WHAT?" said Proton, spitting semen from his mouth. "You mean I'm swimming around in Buster's cum?" He whipped out a sperm-soaked weapon of formidable dimensions. "Release him at once, you Binary Bitches of Badness!"
"Ooh!" gasped Megii, shivering in mock fear. "That's the biggest hairdryer I've ever seen."
"It's not a hairdryer!" snapped Proton. "This is a Mark Five Xendrahernion-Powered Thermonuclear Hand Cannon!" He pressed the firing stud and a blast of hot air erupted from its nozzle.
"It's a hairdryer," said Aylarna dryly.
"Damn Constance! Why must she always stash her stuff in the arms locker?"
"Such a handsome specimen," sighed Jenii.
"Yes, it's a shame we have to kill him!" purred Megii, as she aimed her power rod.
Aylarna quickly shoved down the nozzle of Constance's hairdryer. A great shower of semen blasted against the sides of the vat, spraying into the faces of Megii and Jenii. They reeled backwards at this unexpected facial, struggling to wipe the sticky fluid from their eyes. Proton and Aylarna leaped from the vat, and in a flurry of fisticuffs knocked the terrible twins unconscious.
Captain Proton rushed to the table on which his loyal sidekick was bound. "Buster, are you OK? What did those fiends do to you?"
"Proton?" asked Kincaid in a quavering voice. His hair had turned grey and ten years had been added to his face. "Is it really you?"
"It's me, old friend," said Proton, unsnapping the steel shackles.
"You saved my life!" gasped Kincaid, ripping open his shirt to reveal his naked chest. "Take me, my gallant hero!"
"Errr...I guess whatever they did to him must be, er...affecting his brain!" stammered Proton. "I'm really not into that sort of thing!"
"Yeah right," scoffed Aylarna. "Strutting around in a leather jacket and tight pants, armed with a big hairdryer. We all know which side your bread's buttered on!"
Clasping the power rods they'd taken from the Succubus, Proton and Buster crept into the amphitheatre of the Fortress of Dildo. Aylarna followed holding the Photo-Stimulated Non-coherent Diamet...the whatever-it-was in her hands.
"Where is everyone?" asked Buster, looking around the rows of concentric seats. "Didn't you say something about a royal wedding?"
"Sapphia must be preparing to fire the Beta Disintegrator," said Aylarna. "It's as your President said; this place is a focal point for the energies of an entire planet. Anyone standing here when the weapon was fired would be killed."
"Obliterated, actually," said an all-too familiar voice.
The three intruders looked up in shock. Hovering above them in her diamond throne was Queen Sapphia herself, looking every inch the supervillain as she sat stroking her pussy. Her titanium battle armour gleamed in the light of the power-charged walls.
"The jig's up, your Majesty!" said Proton, pointing his weapon at her. "In the name of the Patrol Fleet of the Incorporated Planets, I demand you renounce the use of weapons of mass destruction, sign a comprehensive environmental protection treaty with the Wood Nymphs, make a formal expression of regret for the Martian genocide, and give up your autocratic rule for a constitutional democracy incorporating elected representatives from all previously disenfranchised sexualities and genders."
"Anything else?" asked the Queen sarcastically.
"Nah, that'll do for the moment."
"You underestimate the power of the Dyke Side!" snarled Sapphia, clenching a leather-clad fist. "Your feeble efforts are nothing but cuntlicks to me. Even as we speak, my Amazons are exterminating the hated Nymphs once and for all. Princess Aylarna will suffer the Death of a Thousand Penetrations for her treachery. And as for you, Proton...I have an old acquaintance who'd like to see you again. You may come in, my Edible One."
A door on the opposite side of the amphitheatre slid open and Constance Goodheart entered, her high-heeled boots clicking on the crystal floor. Proton and Buster gasped at the changes made to their beautiful secretary. Her golden hair was done up in a tight pleat behind her neck. A silver bodysuit clung to her curves like a Grand Prix racing driver. Robotic implants encircled her left eye and hand. She clasped a power rod like a staff of office.
"Constance!" cried Buster, rushing forwards.
Constance raised her power rod. Red light blasted from its tip, striking Buster in the chest. He crumpled to the floor, limbs twitching.
"My designation is Seventh of Mine," she said coldly. "Resistance is futile. You will be castrated."
"Out of my way, Proton!" snarled Aylarna. "I've got a score to settle with Busty the Vamp-Screwer here." The princess drew her power rod from her belt and advanced on Constance. "OK bitch, we'll see whose tits are real." A scarlet beam streaked out, aimed right at those hated breasts. "Take that, Twin Peaks of Evil!"
But instead of writhing in pain, an unmistakable cry of pleasure erupted from the blonde beauty. She seized her breasts in her hands, massaging them violently.
"What the...?" exclaimed Aylarna, looking down at her rod. Suddenly her whole body shuddered from a massive climax as Constance's power beam enveloped her. "OH MY GODDESS!"
"Aylarna, you've still got the Photo-Stimulated Non-resonating...I mean the Photo-Modified Non-coherent...the technothingy!" shouted Proton. "It's altering the frequency of your weapons!" He ducked for cover as twin raybeams blasted a hole where he'd been standing a microsecond before.
"How dare you violate the laws of physics!" fumed Sapphia, her nuclear nipples throbbing in frustration. "Don't you know that even heroes can't move faster than the speed of light?"
"Happens all the time, doll."
Aylarna clearly hadn't heard Proton, because she was firing another pain beam at Constance. "Perfect mate, my ass! Take that, Roboslut!"
"Your attempts...to harm me...are inefficient!" gasped Constance. She fired her rod again, this time striking Aylarna between the legs. "You will be...stimulated!"
"OOOOOHHHHHH!" moaned the princess, as her powder blue panties flashflooded. "You'll have...to do better...Bimbo-Borg!" Another beam shot out, and Constance's catsuit burst apart from the instantaneous protrusion of her cyborg nipples.
"There's one force in the universe even you cannot defeat, Proton!" said Queen Sapphia. "You escaped my Toothed Vagina, but you won't survive this!"
A loud tone echoed throughout the gallery and the circular floor began to slide apart. Like Apopis arising from the depths of the underworld it came; a huge metal serpent, the blood-red glow of the amphitheatre shining on its gleaming surface like fire on mercury. It had a sinuous body of concentric silver bands; its bulbous head was studded with hundreds of sensor domes. Proton felt his bones shake from ultrasonic vibrations as the creature probed for its prey.
"Feeling a little inadequate?" sneered Sapphia, her throne ascending to the heights of the amphitheatre. "Let's see how the mighty Proton fares against my Robo-Dildo!"
"It's what you do with it that counts!" shouted Proton. He fired a blast from his power rod at maximum setting, but the beam merely bounced off the robot's mirrored surface.
"The damn thing's got protection," said Proton. "I'm fucked!"
"No, but you're about to be!" said Sapphia, smirking at the pitiful performance of his rod. "Drill them all, my beautiful Dildo of Death!"
The head of Robo-Dildo swung towards the struggling figures of Aylarna and Constance. Ignorant of their peril, the princess had Constance pinned down, and was slowly inserting a throbbing power rod deep inside her sopping vagina.
"Assimilate this, Boobarella!" snarled Aylarna, firing her weapon. Constance's body arched as the point-blank blast overloaded her pleasure circuits.
"Pleasure...is...irrelevant!" she gasped. "You...will be...vibrated!"
Captain Proton fired one futile blast after another, desperate to divert the attentions of the remorseless mechanoid. But with programmed resolution it crawled up the steps towards the two women. Massive steel rectal insertors and thick rubber clitoral stimulators deployed for action. The ringed segments of its gleaming shaft began to rotate at six different speeds.
"Excellent, excellent!" cackled the Queen. "Prepare to be screwed to death, my lovelies. Your deaths will be exquisite!"
"AAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" screamed Constance Goodheart, as she finally noticed the mechanical monster sliding towards them...or perhaps because Aylarna was now using her rod to vigorously spank her buttocks. The vibrations of Robo-Dildo were shaking the entire amphitheatre. Its rotating segments were a confusing blur of motion. It reared itself up a third of its length, ready to plunge down upon its helpless victims...
All of a sudden the segments whirred to a halt, and Robo-Dildo slowly slumped to the floor.
"What...what did you do?" gasped Queen Sapphia.
"Nothing," replied Proton. "I think your dildo's batteries have just run out. Overuse, I'll bet."
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Queen Sapphia. "No more foreplay, Proton! I shall blast your cities one after the other, until Mankind is wiped from the face of the Earth!" She ducked behind her throne as Proton fired at her. The beam reflected harmlessly off its surface.
"Adamantium armour," said Proton. "I've got to do something!"
"No shit!" said Aylarna, as the steps beneath her started to glow bright red. "We've got to get out of here!"
"Which city should I blast first?" Sapphia shouted down at them. "Canberra? Ha! That wouldn't be any loss. Grozny? I doubt they'd notice the difference. Los Angeles? I'll make those movie execs pay dearly for removing the lesbian references from 'Fried Green Tomatoes'! No, I'm not thinking big enough! I shall destroy your entire country, Proton! I shall destroy...THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA!"
"We've got to stop her!" said Buster. "Quick, the President's device! He said we've got to place it at the focal point of the Beta Disintegrator."
"An inefficient plan," said Constance. "According to my calculations, the focal point is up there." She pointed to where the queen's throne now hovered, fifty feet above them. By now the entire amphitheatre was radiating a fierce scarlet glow. A loud throbbing began to pound against their ears like galaxy-sized drum.
"No more talk shows!" the Queen was screaming maniacally. "No more Disneyland! No more 'do you want fries with that?'"
"You lot clear out!" shouted Proton. He tightened the straps of his rocket pack. "I'll handle this myself."
"What are you going to do?" yelled Aylarna, as she handed him the President's device. It was a small egg-shaped object, its Trenasian crystal burning within like a fiery eye.
"What we men do best. Something brave and incredibly stupid!"
"Well you're not doing it alone!" shouted Aylarna. "It's time you realised that women are just as stupid as men...I mean just as brave...ah bugger it, I'm coming with you." She threw her arms around him, crushing her breasts against his control panel. Proton's rocket pack blasted to life, hurtling them into the air. Queen Sapphia, hiding behind her throne in case someone tried another shot, didn't see them until they were almost on top of her. Raybeams blasted from her Nipples of Power, but the rocketeers were moving too fast! The throne rang like a bell as they crashed into it. It wobbled precariously, its gravity neutralisers whining in protest at the added weight. Captain Proton was pitched over the side, holding on by just a single hand!
"Unfaithful slut!" cried Aylarna, as she aimed a punch at Sapphia's head. The blow was absorbed by the Queen's formidable beehive. "You're a lousy screw as well!" The throne lurched again and she fell backwards, her hands scrabbling for a purchase.
"Traitorous cow!" shouted Sapphia. "That's the problem with dykes, Proton. They want to have their pussy and eat it too!" She drove a vicious kick at him, her titanium-spiked heel knocking a massive chip out of the adamantium. Proton quickly seized her ankle and pulled himself back onto the throne.
"Such strength, such determination!" sneered Sapphia. "Why engage in this senseless conflict, Proton? Join me as my queen. After all, you certainly dress like one!" She seized his testicles in her gauntleted fists and exerted ball-crushing pressure. Proton promptly sang a soprano that would have made the President of Earth envious.
"Let go of him, you bitch!" shouted Aylarna, pounding away at the Queen's armour. "And by the way, I faked every orgasm!" Her fist slammed down on a red button and the crotch-door sprang open.
"Can't you two just kiss and make out?" gasped Proton. Clutching the President's device, he thrust his fist deep inside the Queen's Battle Panties. Sapphia's eyes bulged as she felt the egg-shaped device shoved inside her cunt. She let go off Proton and began scrabbling between her legs.
Proton grabbed the princess and leaped off the throne, his rocket pack roaring into life. The throbbing of the Beta Disintegrator had grown to deafening levels; by now the walls were glowing white hot. With stomach-churning speed they hurtled towards the nearest exit. Just as they reached it light burst from every surface in the amphitheatre, as if a massive sun had sprung to life indoors. Blinding sheets of lightning flashed upwards to the Queen's throne, destroying it instantaneously.
Proton and Aylarna roared through the doorway, pursued by a crackling wave of energy that rippled from the crystal walls. In a microsecond it had caught up and swept over them, flowing on to envelop Buster Kincaid and Constance Goodheart, the battling Amazons and Wood Nymphs, the Giant Toothed Vagina and Hideous Gobblsnutch, and every living creature for miles around - all experienced the biggest and most intense orgasm in the history of the universe!
Captain Proton's rocket ship stood ready for launch, gentle wisps of smoke puffing from its engines. The women of Venus had gathered around for a final farewell, the naked pink bodies of the Wood Nymphs mixed in amongst the colourful tunics of the Amazons.
"And so the people of Venus and Earth have finally come together," said the Divine Prophetess Chukotai, "in one giant orgasm. Since that climatic moment we have discovered that our differences can indeed be overcome - by means of adapters, lubricants, and various vibrating objects. Now all Venusians are free to explore their sexuality according to their own personal orientations. And it is all thanks to you, Captain Proton. In your honour we will change the first letter of our planet to a P."
"ALL HAIL CAPTAIN PROTON!" cried the assembled multitudes. "HERO OF THE PLANET PENUS!"
"Err...on second thoughts," said Chukotai, "I think we better leave it as it is."
"Have they found Queen Sapphia?" asked the Hideous Gobblsnutch. The multi-limbed creature was carrying enough luggage to fill an airport baggage facility, yet it still had enough hands left to comb both heads, do up two disgustingly awful ties, and brush every one of its six mouths simultaneously.
"No," said Aylarna. "Her body was at the focal point of the blast. She must have been completely obliterated."
"I wouldn't be too sure," said Proton. "I've a nasty feeling we haven't seen the last of her..." He looked down as his wristphone gave a loud buzz.
"Buster Kincaid to Captain Proton. We're receiving an urgent transmission from Earth...and can you please tell Constance to stop nagging me?"
In the background Proton could hear his secretary saying: "The course you have plotted is inefficient, your insistence on calling me 'babe' is illogical, your choice of entertainment for a date is frivolous, your infatuation with my breasts is irrational, and your character development sucks totally."
"Sounds like you two should get married. Patch it through to my wristphone."
The President of Earth appeared on the wristphone's imagiser, naked and covered in sweat.
"Captain Proton!" exclaimed the President. "Thank God I was able to contact you! There's been another strike on Earth, even more nefarious than the last. The entire United States of America has been struck by some kind of Orgasmic Ray! Depraved orgies are taking place all over the country. Sex tourists are flooding across our borders to get in on the action. We've been humiliated before the entire world! You must find the person responsible for this, do you hear me Proton? I intend to have him severely punished!"
"Er...Mr President," stammered Proton. "I've, er, really got no idea who might be...umm...responsible, and ah...it's a bit much to expect me to always solve your problems..."
"Dammit Proton, I'm giving you a direct order! It's probably some sinister plot by Doctor Chaoticaarrrrrrrggggghhh!" cried the President, his eyes widening as if something very long and hard had just been shoved up his rear end. The imagiser blinked off.
"You know Gobblsnutch, I think it would be wise if we dropped you off first," said Proton. "Give things a chance to settle down back home. How about I take you to meet the Multi-Headed Mutant Monstrosity of Mondova IV?"
"Ohhhh, I can't wait!"
"Farewell, Captain Proton!" said Kis, sweeping him into a passionate embrace. "The world is hollow, now I have touched your fly. Will I ever see you again?"
"Of course not, I'm a man...oops, I mean: who knows if the fates will bring us together." Proton turned to Aylarna, holding out his hand. "So long, Princess...or should that be Queen Aylarna?"
"As long as it's not 'doll'," she replied, "you won't have to worry about my knee in your crotch."
With some difficulty, Captain Proton pushed the Hideous Gobblsnutch through the ship's hatchway. The crowd backed off as powerful engines thundered into life. Great gouts of flame erupted from the nozzles and with a deafening roar Proton's rocket ship wobbled its way into the sky.
The Venusians stood watching until the Earth vessel had vanished into the misty clouds of their world. Then, as if in response to an unheard signal, they turned en masse towards the Divine Prophetess of the Wood Nymphs.
Chukotai reached up to the wooden mask that concealed her features, and slowly removed it.
"ALL HAIL QUEEN SAPPHIA!" cried the Amazons and Wood Nymphs as one. "RULER OF THE PLANET VENUS, GIVER OF PAIN AND PLEASURE, KEEPER OF THE NIPPLES OF POWER, CRUSHER OF THE TESTICLES OF MARS!"
"And soon, of Earth!" said Sapphia, hurling aside her mask. The manface shattered to pieces as it struck the ground. "Proton should have listened when warned of how treacherous your people are, my deceptively innocent Kis. It shall be as I promised. Soon your Nymphomaniacs will have all the Men they desire."
"But my Queen," said Aylarna, throwing a disdainful look at the Wood Nymph. "Why engage in this charade when we could simply blast Earth into extinction?"
"Do you think I would wish to destroy a planet on which so many of our sisters are held in dyed blondage? Little does Proton know that he carries to his beloved patriarchy the seeds of its destruction. Concealed inside the voluptuous body of Seventh of Mine are millions of self-replicating nanoprobes. They will infiltrate the women of Earth, spreading intelligence, rebelliousness, and a chronic phobia of hair care products. The assassination of the leadership of Earth will be the signal for a worldwide feminist uprising. Our invasion force will be greeted as liberators!"
"Yes! As you have undoubtedly noticed, the skintight garment worn by Seventh of Mine keeps her formidable breasts under tremendous pressure. When Proton and his crew are decorated before the United Earth Congress, her brain implants will trigger an instantaneous release of her catsuit, destroying everything in a ten mile radius!" Queen Sapphia gave a loud peal of evil laughter. "I shall clutch the twin worlds of Earth and Venus in my hands like a woman's tight, dimpled buttocks!" she cried. "The choice speci-Mans we will preserve in cryogenic chambers for their Manseed and the pleasure of the Wood Nymphs. The remainder will be neutered and kept as slaves to move heavy pieces of furniture. Assemble my armies! Fuel my rocket ships! Oil my Battle Panties! We are going...to Earth!"
CAN PROTON SAVE THE WORLD FROM AN INVADING ARMY OF DILDO-WIELDING DYKES? WILL THE UNITED EARTH CONGRESS BE MASSACRED BY THE MURDEROUS MAMMARIES OF THE SINISTER SEVENTH OF MINE? WILL PROTON END HIS DAYS AS A PRICKLESS PIANO-PUSHER? FIND OUT NEXT WEEK IN...CAPTAIN PROTON AND THE BLONDE BOMBSHELL!