Title: So wrong and So right
BY: Major Sam
Disclaimer: All characters belong to MGM and use of them here is not intended to infringe, nor to make any profit. This story depicts a loving relationship between women. If you have objections, don't read it.
Notes: Thanks to John for the beta, again. I hardly ever write anything from Shelley's point of view and she has a big view on her relationship with Sam.
Summary: 100% sapp
I knew from the moment it happened that it was wrong. But I let myself go when I felt your touch. It still leaves me breathless when I think about it and when I think about that night. Even though there have been more since. It was just that first night still makes me cry whenever I think about it. How perfect everything seemed, as though it happened in slow motion. When I close my eyes I can feel your hands on my body, your lips on mine. I never knew how until that night that loving someone like you could be so wrong, but feel so right. How could it be right when Iím married? I know in my heart that it's right. So how could our love be wrong?
Is it wrong to feel happy when someone you love smiles at you? Is it wrong for your body to ache for someone when theyíre not there? To feel her soft body next to you when you wake up in the morning. There have only ever been two people in my life that have made me feel like that. The guilt still comes and goes sometimes. At the times when I feel most alone. When your gone and Iím terrified that Iíll never see you again. That something will go wrong and Iíll lose you like I lost him. I never want to feel that helpless again. When youíre not with me, not a moment goes by that I don't hear the sound of your voice in my head whispering you love me. I love the sound of your voice when you say it. How your eyes light up and that cute smile of yours appears.
I can't believe it's been six months. How quickly it's gone by. Every day with you since then has been a miracle to me. I thought Iíd always spend my life alone after he'd left. Then that night happened, oh god that night. When you kissed me. The memory of that kiss brings a shiver to my body, like all have them done since.
It's 4.30am and youíre fast asleep. Itís been a tough mission for you. What that bitch Nirrti did to you, I would have happily killed her myself. But now your safe, in my bed, wrapped up in my sheets. As soon as your head hit the pillow you were asleep. I didn't mind that, you do look so beautiful when you sleep. I've been watching you for an hour, not being able to grasp why you love me. I chose not to question such things anymore. It doesn't matter. All that matters is that you love me and I love you. Then I start to feel guilty again. I hate myself for feeling like this. You know that I love him still and you say it doesn't change the way you feel about me. But how can you say that. Knowing what you went through whilst we were together, how can you say that it doesn't matter? You told me that you know that I love you and that's all you care about.
You begin to murmur in your sleep. Your soft breath blows against my face as I lie on my side and watch you continue to sleep. I've done that a lot lately. After every dangerous mission you come back from. I guess it's the mother in me. When Mia gets sick, for days afterwards I watch her sleep. You tell me it's so cute and I laugh at you. Then I feel your arms around me and we watch her together.
It's late now and I really should be going to sleep. It's better this way, sleeping, having you by my side. I shift down the bed a little, trying to make you wake for just long enough for me to get my arms around you. And.... that's better. Your head rests on my chest and your arms drape over me. I kiss your forehead as my eyes begin to drift.
How can loving you be so wrong and feel so right?