FIC: Fumbling Towards Ecstasy: Second Chances
Disclaimer: All characters belong to MGM and use of them here is not intended to infringe, nor to make any profit. This story depicts a loving relationship between women. If you have objections, don't read it.
Archive: Just ask.
Summary: The day after the night before. Will anything be the same again for Sam and Shelley?
Authors Notes: Thanks to John and Lena who beta'd it for me. Feedback is always appreciated please.
“Had it all been a dream? Usually when I have that dream, I would wake to find her sleeping next to me. The sunlight shining into the room, bathing her in beauty. But when I woke a few hours ago, she hadn’t been lying there but making her escape. Fleeing from my house, from my bed as though it were on fire. I know why she had left. The last person on my mind last night had been the first on Shelley’s this morning, Daniel.”
Everyone around the briefing room table looked particularly cheerful this morning. Even Jonas who had sprained his wrist a few days earlier had his usual morning grin on his face. Sometimes just that look made Sam want to wipe it off. No one deserved to be that cheerful on a day like today. The day her world seemed to have turned upside down. Last night had been so perfect. True, it never turned out the way she had planned it in her head, but it had happened. There was no going back now. But Shelley’s quick departure at 5.30 had brought the grim reality of it back to her. She was in love with Daniel and no matter how much Sam wanted it to be different; it would all ways be that way. Sam felt as though the room was spinning. The voices around her asking a million different questions and not having an answer for them. She wasn’t really paying attention. Her eyes were firmly fixed on the empty chair on the opposite side of the table. The chair that Shelley usually! occupied when sitting on their briefings, which is what she was supposed to be doing right now. But, she was nowhere to be seen. Everyone stood, making their way out of the room. Sam stood, pushing her chair from under her.
“Colonel,” she said across the room, standing in front of her C.O. “I thought Shelley was joining us this morning?”
Jack shook his head slowly.
“Yeah, she was acting very strange this morning.”
“What kind of strange?”
She stood, her hands shaking. Did he know what had happened? Had Shelley told him?
“I don’t know. She picked up Mia about 6 this morning, practically banging down my door. Then she just left.”
“Did she say anything?”
“No, she just took Mia. I guess she must have missed her.”
Sam nodded in agreement, turning slowly.
“Hey, how was your night last night?” Jack asked.
She spun quickly, the look on her face turning in to one of panic.
“Your birthday drinks, did you have a good time.”
“It was ok.”
“Did Shelley have a good time?”
Her hands began to shake.
“I don’t know. She had a little too much to drink.”
“Yeah, Fraiser told me about that. Thanks for looking after her. It’s nice to know she’s got a friend like you watching out for her.”
Jack patted her on the shoulder, moving out in to the corridor where Teal’c and Jonas were waiting for him. Sam didn’t know where to look or what to do. She stood in the middle of the briefing room, looking around at the empty chairs next to her, reminding her of the fact that she had woken up to an empty bed that morning. All she’d wanted was to find Shelley next to her wrapped up in her arms. Hearing her whisper her name in her sleep. Feeling her soft body next to her. But she hadn't been there. She'd left, sneaked out of the bed, trying to make a quick escape. Luckily, Sam had managed to catch her in the act. The conversation had been quick and to the point. Shelley just left her standing in the doorway. At the back of her mind was the truth. That she'd never run out of Daniel. He was the love of her life, god, she'd heard her say it enough times during the last 14 months.
If he really was, why wasn't he here with her and Mia? He'd abandoned them. Left them alone, with who knows what after them. They had stopped them once and Sam didn't know if they could again. Sam remembered Shelley after Mia was born, how for 4 weeks she had been missing, leaving Jack to look after the baby. They'd all tried to find her, Sam like the rest doing it in her own time. At one point she'd found her and hadn't told anyone else. She'd gone back every few days, making sure that she was ok. Then Mia had gotten sick and Shelley had came home. All the time they had spent together meant so much to her. Last night was more than she could hope for. Now it all seemed like a lie. Sam didn't know what was going on. When she'd gotten to the base this morning she had gone to her lab to find her, only finding it to be empty. There was only one more thing she could do. She had to find her, talk to her.
Her apartment felt cold and unwelcoming. As she looked around, the photographs littered around the room made her heart sink. The wedding photo made the guilt rise in her throat. She turned away, not being able to look at his face any longer. Nothing like this had ever happened to her before. Of course she had sex on an impulse, who hadn't. But never with a woman and never with a friend. Shelley had never been so excited before and felt so alive. She hated to admit it to herself, but she'd never even felt like that with Daniel. Maybe it was because it was new, she wasn't sure. It was just that moment in the kitchen, when Sam's finger had slipped into her mouth, she seemed to know where it was going to take them and she didn't care. That was until she had woken up. She'd even dreamed about him. That he was in the room with her, sitting next to her on the bed. His fingers sliding through her hair like he used to. All through the dream he never spoke, just smiling at her, holdin!g her tight. Providing her with the comfort that she'd wanted for so long. Shelley looked up, hearing the door chime across the room.
She opened the door slowly, somehow knowing who was on the other side. Sam stood in front of her, having changed out of her SGC uniform and into her 'normal' clothes.
"What are you doing here?"
"We need to talk."
The redhead moved away, back into her apartment, leaving the door open. Sam followed her inside, closing it behind her.
"You shouldn't be here, I don't want you here."
"What else was I supposed to do, Shelley? You just left. You didn't even give me a proper explanation."
They stood in the middle of the room, face to face but a few feet apart.
"I think what I did is explanation enough."
"You mean what we did." Sam said.
She shook her head, moving further away. Sam followed her.
"You can't forget that it didn't happen."
"Why not. It was a mistake, a huge mistake."
"Yeah, well, you didn't think so at the time."
Shelley stared at her, fury on her face.
"What about you. You started this." Shelley shouted.
"Me? This wasn't just me. What about you? WE slept together Shelley, you and me."
"You don't have to remind me, I was there."
Sam smiled, remembering, and then looked up at Shelley seeing her face.
"I know. I can still smell your perfume on me."
"Stop it Sam, please."
"You never said that either."
Shelley turned away, not being able to look at her friend any more.
"I just don't know what to do!" Shelley whispered. "I've just felt so lost lately. I've made some mistakes in my time, but that has to be the biggest. I've cheated on Daniel."
Tears fell down her face. The mere mention of his name bringing tears to her eyes. Shelley closed her eyes, letting them fall down. She turned slowly, feeling Sam standing behind her. Her hand reached up, wiping the fallen tears from her cheek. Shelley sighed, her body melting at her touch.
"I know you miss him. But this wasn't a mistake for me. I've wanted this to happen for so long."
Shelley shook her head, not wanting to listen. She moved away, back towards the main room of the apartment.
"I think you should go."
"I don't want to. I want to talk about this."
"Well I don't. I told you. It was a mistake."
The tears from Shelley's eyes fell freely, making them red and sore.
"One I don't intend on repeating. I'm not..."
"What... gay? What we did doesn't make you gay, Shelley. It makes you willing to share who you are with another woman."
"I don't want to listen to this. I love Daniel. The fact that he's not here doesn't change that! And what I did, what I felt last night was wrong."
Sam moved towards her, arms moving around her waist, leaning against her. Shelley moved back in to her, raising her head, breathing in that smell. The smell that had so intoxicated her in the early hours of the morning, Sam's smell. Sam’s arms fell to Shelley’s sides, sliding up the redhead’s skirt. Her finger tips brushing against her skin. Shelley's heart began to pound, her body beginning to show signs of arousal.
"Shelley." Sam groaned breathlessly into her neck.
Shelley broke away quickly, free from Sam's grip.
"Don't do this. I want you to go, please."
She turned to face her, seeing the hurt in her eyes, several tears beginning to fall.
"I'm sorry. I don't want to hurt you. But I can't do this, I don't..."
"Ok, I’ll go, I have to get back to the base, just think about what happened.”
The redhead’s frown grew deeper.
“I’ve thought about nothing else all night.”
“I keep wondering why it happened. Was it some kind of payback?”
Sam shook her head, confused by Shelley’s statement.
“What do you mean, payback?”
“For me. I know how you felt about Daniel. You couldn’t have him so you thought you’d have the thing that was standing in your way?”
“Is that what you really think of me? That I could do something like that! I was never jealous of you Shelley, I was jealous of Daniel. God, I thought you might have figured that out after last night,” Sam said.
Shelley stood, frozen in place with shock. Not for one moment had she thought that it had meant something to her.
“I didn’t know.”
“Of course you didn’t. I want you. Last night was incredible.”
“NO!” Shelley shouted. “It was wrong Sam.”
Shelley moved further away, from temptation, away from Sam’s wanting arms. She could still feel them around her, fingers teasing her.
“I want you to go. I can’t look at you right now.”
Sam reached out her arms, wanting to hold her, to make her feel again what she had felt last night and a few moments ago.
”Just go. The further away from me you are, the better.”
“Ok, I’ll go.”
Sam turned, moving towards the door. She stopped suddenly, turning to Shelley, a strange look on her face.
“Just ask yourself why that is, Shelley?”
Her hand opened the door, stepping out in the hallway. Shelley had asked herself that question a million times in the last few hours but couldn’t come up with a reasonable answer. The whole situation had confused the hell out of her. She loved Daniel with everything that she was; her entire being and nothing could ever change that! Or so she thought. Being with Sam had been wonderful, but her guilt was blinding her. For Shelley it had been wrong but for Sam, she felt no remorse for what they had done.
Sam stood outside, up against the door. Her heart was still pounding at being so close to Shelley. Being able to feel her body, touch her skin. If Shelley hadn’t moved when she had, Sam feared that she would have lost control. She wanted her, to feel her body writhing beneath her, aching for her touch. Wanting her lips against her, teasing with every kiss. A few minutes ago she had held her, feeling her body tremble. Not with fear but with anticipation as to what was going to happen next. Sam had felt it. Shelley's breath had been deep and rapid just as it had been the night before. She knew that she had aroused her again. Shelley's body had been hot to touch just as Sam's had been. The heat between her legs making it difficult for her to concentrate on their conversation. Why had Shelley pushed her away when it was clear from her body language that she wanted her, still wanted her?
After all of Shelley's denial of what happened, of her insistence that it had been wrong and a mistake. Sam knew that Shelley wanted her. It was so clear. The look in her eyes said it all, her body too. Shelley was just angry with herself and that's why she had asked Sam to leave. Sam turned back to face the door, wanting to see Shelley standing there smiling, asking her to come back inside. Taking her hand, leading her towards the bedroom. But there was nothing, just the cold reality that it was never going to happen.
The sirens in the gate room bellowed loudly, deafening everyone in range. The red lights, bathing the room in a red haze. General Hammond made his way down from the control room, perching himself at the edge of the ramp. The seventh chevron locked and the wormhole spewed out in front of him. Jonas was the first one to appear, a startled, frightened look on his face.
“A medic." he shouted at the top of his voice.
Hammond waved the medics forward, including Dr Fraiser who had entered the room behind him.
"What happened?" he asked.
Jonas shook his head, not knowing where to begin. Jack appeared from the gate, stopping for a moment, turning to see Teal'c behind him, carrying the lifeless body of Major Carter.
The last place she wanted to be was at the SGC. The thought of bumping into Sam terrified her. Actually it was the thought of what might happen that terrified her.
But she had to be there. Dr Fraiser had called her in for her physical, which was already a week overdue. Shelley was supposed to have a check up every three months, due to the head injury caused by the Shar're clone a few years earlier. She made her way towards the infirmary, stopping before she got half way down the corridor. Several medics were rushing in, almost knocking her over.
"Shelley,” a voice said behind her.
The redhead turned quickly, seeing Jonas standing behind her, his body shaking.
"Jonas, what's wrong?"
He moved towards her slowly.
"There's been an incident."
Her body turned quickly, running down the corridor towards the infirmary. Pushing the medics and SF’s out of the way.
"JACK!" she shouted.
Her eyes scoured the room, desperately searching for her brother. A low voice whispered her name as she came in to the room.
She opened her arms, pulling her brother into a tight hug.
"I thought..." Shelley said, breathlessly.
"I know, I know, it's ok. I'm fine."
Shelley looked up at him, seeing concern in his eyes.
She turned slowly, her gaze being directed towards the infirmary bed in front of her. Her heart sank at seeing Sam lying on the bed, breathing equipment, heart monitors keeping her alive. Only a few hours ago they had been arguing, Shelley telling her that she wanted her as far away from her as possible. She took hesitant steps towards her, not sure if she should really be there.
“What happened?” Shelley asked.
Jack appeared from behind her, standing at her side, the same vacant expression on his face as on his sister’s.
“The usual, Jaffa everywhere. She was laying down cover fire while Jonas was dialing the gate. She must have got distracted, I don’t know what happened.”
Both of them looked up, seeing Dr Fraiser moving towards them, carrying the results of Sam’s tests in a file in her hand.
“Well?” Jack asked.
Janet lowered her head, looking at her friend lying there, shaking it slowly. Shelley’s gaze drifted from Janet to Sam then to her brother, not sure what to say or do. She turned slowly, making a dash for the exit. Jack watched her as she ran out of the room. Fraiser caught his stare, knowing what he was thinking.
“This must bring it all back for her.” Jack said.
“I’ll go see if she’s ok,” Janet said, moving out of the room to find her friend.
Shelley stood a few feet down the corridor, slumped with her back against it. Tears streaming down her face, showing no signs of stopping. She looked up, hearing Janet’s footsteps moving towards her.
“Are you ok?” she asked softly.
“You don’t look it Shelley. This must be difficult for you, seeing her like that.”
A look of panic appeared on her face. Had Sam told Janet that they’d slept together?
“What do you mean?”
“It must bring it all back, when Daniel….”
Oh god, Daniel. He had been the last thing on her mind for the last few minutes. But Janet was right; it did bring it all back, the pain of him leaving her alone and knowing that she might never see him again. Her hand reached up, wiping the tears from her eyes. The last thing she wanted was for Jack to see her like that.
“It does. It was a shock.”
“It has been for everybody, especially the colonel.”
Janet’s comment made Shelley’s head rise upwards.
“Why’d you say that?” She asked.
“Surely I’m not the only one who’s noticed.”
Finally it hit her, what Janet was talking about.
“Oh you mean that. I thought he was over it.”
“Well, it doesn’t look that way to me.” Janet said.
“This is gonna be hard for him, he needs you.”
*What about me* Shelley thought to herself. Aloud she said. “She is going to be ok though, isn’t she?” She asked.
“Her injuries will heal, but she hasn’t regained consciousness yet.”
More tears began to fall down Shelley’s face.
“Hey, I’m sure she’ll be ok. Once she’s awake, we’ll know more.”
“You’ll let me know if she wakes up.”
Janet smiled warmly at her friend, squeezing her hand.
“Of course I will.”
Shelley watched her move back towards the infirmary and followed slowly behind her. She stood in the doorway, seeing her brother sitting at Sam’s bedside, holding her hand. Her eyes looked away, remembering it had been she who had held Sam’s hand. Seeing him at her beside made her feel something she thought she wouldn’t, jealousy, burning intense jealousy. It was eating away at her like a cancer. She didn’t know why she was jealous; she knew that she wasn’t in love with Sam. But seeing her lying there, an inch away from death, Shelley felt something. Her head was full of images of last night. Of lying next to her, feeling her hands all over her body. How good it was to have someone next to her to hold her. She'd been lonely recently. Jack had been on so many missions that she's hardly said hello to him. Mia slept most of the time, which only left Shelley's work. Which, at the moment was boring. She hadn't been off world since Mia was born !and was desperate to have something more challenging that watering the plants in Janet's office. Maybe Sam was her distraction, the only way to avoid her boring life. The excitement of last night had made her head spin, sending her body into an overload of emotion and sensations. It had been exciting. Nothing like that had happened to her before. But since it happened, all she could think about was Daniel and how much she wanted him to be there. Because she knew that if he was, then it never would have happened. Jack looked up, seeing her standing in the doorway.
"You ok, Shell?"
She nodded slowly. But the truth was, she wasn't. And the one person she wanted to talk to couldn't hear her.
A day had gone by and Sam still remained in her coma. Shelley had stayed away from the base as much as she could. She didn't want to be reminded of what she'd all ready lost and what she was about to lose. But idleness was driving her nuts; she had to do something to get her mind off things. She'd pass by the infirmary several times, seeing everyone from Jack to Jonas sitting at her side but not having the courage to go in herself. People had started to notice that she hadn't been to see Sam. But no one had asked, seeming to believe that it was because of what happened to Daniel. If only they knew the truth.
Shelley had spent most of the day in her lab, doing anything she could to forget what was going on. By mid-afternoon, she was hungry and made her way to the commissary. Her head turned as she scanned the room, trying to find a quiet corner so she could be on her own.
Which looked like what her brother was doing too. She hovered by the door, deciding not to go inside. The two of them looked at each other until Shelley turned and walked away.
All Shelley had wanted to do was to be left alone in peace. She sat on her bed at home; her knees huddled up under her chin. Eyes looked around the room, resting on the television on the stand at the head of the bed. Since Daniel had been gone, the nights had been lonely and boring. Only Mia filled up her time. She never thought that she could love someone so much, apart from Daniel. Her head turned as she heard the baby in question gurgle on the baby monitor on the bedside table. Shelley smiled at herself, her attention diverted from what she had been watching. Sam’s voice woke her from her reverie. She’d been watching the video she’d made of Daniel’s last birthday. His arms seemed to always be around her, which on reflection she never seemed to mind. The smile on her face was all ways present. But for the first time, Shelley was watching the look on Sam’s face, seeing the carefully masked jealousy on it. She’d never noticed it befo!re. Well why would she? Shelley had no idea that Sam had those kinds of feelings for her. She was flattered and the night they had spent together had been wonderful. Despite the fact that she’d never slept with a woman before, Shelley had thought that the sex had been incredible. It totally blew her away. But her feelings for Sam were confusing her. Shelley loved her as a friend and thought that’s the way it would always be.
Until yesterday, when she’d seen her lying on the infirmary bed! Her heart had broken. She didn’t know what their relationship was anymore. Every time Shelley thought about that night it made her crave it more and also made her feel more guilty. Finally her gaze from Sam was broken by the appearance of her husband, the man she had wanted to share her life with. Who made her feel alive with just one touch! Every moment they had spent together had been like a dream. He always managed to make her feel so special, like a princess. No one had her feel like that. It had been amazing to her that after one bad relationship after another, she finally found her prince. But like most fairy tales, it never works out the way they planned. Leaving her alone to bring up their daughter. Then she had gotten drunk at a party and had slept with her friend. Sometimes she could still feel her body tingle at the thought of Sam’s wet kiss, her lips pressed against hers.
“Shelley!” a voice shouted from the front door.
She looked up, seeing Jack standing in the doorway. Shelley’s heart began to pound, wondering why had he had entered her home.
“What is it? Is it Sam?” Shelley asked, with a panic in her voice.
”No, she’s still the same. I came to see you.”
He moved into the room, sitting next to her on the bed. Jack’s head turned at hearing Daniel’s voice behind them.
“Shelley?” Jack whispered.
She looked away, picking up the remote and turning off the TV.
“It’s ok. I just like to watch it some times. It makes me feel closer to him.”
“You only have to look at Mia to do that.”
“I’ve just had things on my mind.”
Jack moved up on the bed, sitting up next to her, making her move over.
“What things?” Jack asked.
There was a long pause before Shelley said anything.
“My life without Daniel. I don’t know what I should do.”
“I don’t understand.”
”If I should wait for him! Or if I should try and be happy with someone else.”
Jack stared at his sister, in shock at her statement.
“Have you been seeing someone Shelley?”
Shelley was surprised by the tone of his voice. She knew one day he would ask that question and always suspected that he’d be angry. But his voice was low, almost soothing. Shelley didn’t know how to answer him. Could a one-night stand be classed as seeing someone?
She didn’t think so.
“Not really,” she said.
“I wouldn’t blame you if you were. You deserve to be happy.”
“I’d just feel like I’m cheating on him. It’s not like he’s dead. If he were, it would be clearer to me. I could move on. I’m not a widow, he’s out there somewhere.”
“I know. But none of us know if he’s coming back.”
Shelley shook her head.
”The thought of not seeing him again, Jack scares me. It scares me to think I could be happy with someone other than him.”
She rested her head on her brother’s shoulder, sighing softly.
“Where’s all this coming from, Shell?”
“I’m tired of being on my own. I don’t want to be lonely anymore.”
“You’re not alone,” He whispered. “You’ve got me, Teal’c, the doc, Jonas and…”
His voice trailed off into a softer tone as he said her name.
Shelley looked up. The sound of her name brought a tear to her eyes.
“How is she?” She asked.
“Still the same. I keep sitting there, waiting for her to wake up. Hoping that she’s gonna get better that….”
Shelley didn’t really need to be told. She knew what he meant and it was killing her.
“Jack, you don’t have to tell me.”
She sat up, moving to the edge of the bed, her back towards him.
“I just want her to wake up Shell. She shouldn’t be lying on there like that. She’s usually so alive, so passionate.”
Shelley didn’t even attempt to look back, knowing from personal experience how passionate Sam could really be. She still had the scratches on her back to prove it. Shelley hadn’t noticed them until she had gotten home and had a shower, seeing them looking back at her, a reminder of her adultery and of her guilt.
“Are you going to tell her?” She asked.
Jack shook his head.
“No, there’s no point. I know she doesn’t feel like that for me. I think there’s someone else.”
Her head turned slowly, as if fishing for information.
“Do you know who?”
“No. But he must be very important to her. She’s not the sort of woman who has those kinds of feelings for just anyone.”
Now she knew she was searching for information to try and work out in her own head what Sam was really thinking and feeling.
“Yes. That’s why I can’t tell her. Look at me, Shell. How could I make someone like her happy?”
“I’m sure you could, Jack.”
He shook his head, reaching down for the remote, turning the television back on. Both of them turned seeing the video of the birthday party. All they could hear was Sam’s laugh. Jack smiled.
“She should be with someone who could make her laugh like that.”
Her laughter rang in her ears. It was something she had forgotten, the sound of Sam’s laugh. Which had been nothing more than a giggle. Something hit her, sending her bolting upright from the bed.
"Can you look after Mia for an hour? There's something I need to do. It won't take long."
"Sure. I haven't seen her for a while, give us time to catch up." Jack said with a smile.
"Ok, just don't let her talk you into finishing that bottle of scotch like she did last time."
"Hey, you know I can't say no to her."
"I'll be back as soon as I can."
"Take your time." He whispered under his breath.
The room was dark. Only the lights from the monitors and from the hallway provided her with enough to see where she was going. A cold chill came over her. All the people she cared about seemed to end up in this room, being watched by medical staff. Daniel and then Jack after his little Alaskan vacation and now Sam. Everyone she cared for was fated to come here. Sometimes she believed she was never meant to be happy. That she didn't deserve to be happy. She moved in the room, seeing that familiar sight in front of her, that bed, noticing that there was no one else in the room. Shelley closed her eyes, remembering the bitterest memory of that fateful day, when Daniel left. He didn't want to see her and had only managed to venture in when he had been too sick to resist her pleas. When she finally went to see him, Sam had been sitting at his side. She didn't really hear much of that conversation. At this point, as Shelley stood there watching as Sam slept, still in a coma, all s!he could remember of that moment was the touch of Sam's hand in hers.
Shelley sat on the chair next to the bed, the one she had seen so many people sit in over the last 30 hours.
"So, Sam, you finally got my attention. You're not in such a chatty mood today. I'm sorry, that was stupid, I didn't mean that. God, you probably can't even hear me. After what I said, I guess I shouldn't even be here. But, I had to see you. Maybe this is the only way I can talk to you, without repeating what happened yesterday morning. You don't know what this is doing to me! I couldn't sleep last night. Every time I tried I kept thinking of Daniel. How the thought of losing him terrifies me. I never want him to know what I did. If he ever comes back, I want us to be a family again, the way we're supposed to be. But then I think of the other night. How it felt to have someone hold me."
Shelley looked down, picking up Sam's hand, holding it tightly in her own.
"I didn't know I could feel like that again, especially with you. I want you to talk too. To talk to you. But not like this. So you have to come back, Sam. You can't do to this to me. I've all ready lost someone I love; I don't want it to happen again. I don't want to lose you too."
Her head turned, hearing a voice behind her. A voice she had heard often enough to recognize.
Dr Fraiser stood in the doorway, moving across the room towards her.
"She err.. regained consciousness about half an hour ago. She's gonna be fine."
One Week Later
"My recovery's been quicker than Janet had anticipated. I've been home for a day and I haven't seen Shelley since that day in the infirmary. The colonel said that she went to visit their father. But I know the real reason. She went to get away from me. I guess I don't understand what's going on. After what I heard her say, that she wanted to talk to me. I don't know why she hasn't come to see me. Maybe her guilt won't let her. All I know is that for me, nothing’s changed."
Sam had had visitors nearly all day and was beginning to get tired of telling everyone she was ok. The truth was, she wasn’t. She felt ok physically, but her emotional state was a mess. Sam was confused. She hadn’t spoken to Shelley for a week and still didn’t know what their relationship was. If it could even be called a relationship! Not for one minute had she regretted what had happened, unlike Shelley who’d been consumed with guilt. But what had happened in Shelley’s apartment had left Sam wondering if there was something more than guilt going on. There was no doubt in her mind that Shelley had been turned on by what happened.
Janet had insisted that Sam rest for the remainder of the day and had made her retire to her bedroom, having just had a warm bath. Sam sat on the edge of the bed, staring out of the window. She heard Janet and Cassie moving around the rest of the house. The doctor peered round the door.
“You ok Sam?” she asked.
The blonde’s head rose slowly, looking up to her friend.
“Yeah, I’m fine.”
“Cassie and I are going to go in a minute. There’s plenty of food in the fridge, so you don’t have to go out.”
Janet’s head turned, hearing the doorbell.
“I’ll get it.” Cassie shouted.
“Are you sure your ok Sam?”
“I’m fine, stop worrying.”
She moved around the bed, sitting next to Sam.
“It’s Shelley.” They heard Cassie shout from the front room.
Janet stood from the bed, seeing the door open in front of her. Cassie stood there, a huge smile on her face. Shelley appeared from behind her, hesitant, not really knowing the reception she might get.
"Hi." She managed to say.
Sam repeated the comment. Janet watched as the two of them exchanged the usual small talk. How are you, how've you been, that kind of thing, getting the feeling that there was something else going on.
"You didn't bring Mia with you?" Cassie asked, disappointed.
Shelley shook her head at the teenager.
"No, she's staying with my dad for a few days. He doesn't get to see her that much."
"Maybe when she comes back I could baby sit again?"
"Any time Cassie, any time."
"I think it's time we went." Janet said.
"You don't have to," Shelley said. "Stay a bit longer."
Janet shook her head.
"I can't, we have things to do at home."
"We do?" Cassie asked.
"Yes we do."
The doctor exchanged a stern look with her daughter, shoving her out of the room.
"Bye Sam." She shouted, her voice receding down the hallway.
Shelley looked around the room, everything that happened that night coming back to her in a flood of memories and emotions.
"So how have you been?" She asked.
"Fine. Janet said I can go back to work next week."
"Good, that's good."
"You had a nice time with your dad?" Sam asked.
"It was ok. It was nice to be somewhere else for a while. Somewhere I’m not reminded of Daniel."
Sam sighed, turning to look back out of the window, slightly annoyed that she had to bring up his name.
"So why are you here Shelley?"
She looked somewhat uncomfortable by that question.
"I came to see how you were."
"And it's taken you a week to do that?"
"I've been visiting my dad."
"And why was that, Shelley?"
Sam stood from the edge of the bed, turning to face the redhead.
"I had to get away."
"From me?" Sam asked.
Shelley nodded, and then shook her head.
"I don't know. I had to think."
The stupidity of that question brought a wry smirk to Shelley's face.
"You need to ask? That's why I’ve come here, to say goodbye."
"What do you mean goodbye?"
There was desperation in Sam's voice.
"I'm leaving the SGC Sam. I can't carry on working there. I need to get on with my life and I can't do that here. When Daniel comes back..."
"You mean if Daniel comes back. So you’re going to waste your life in the hope that he'll come back?"
Shelley shook her head angrily. She didn't want to hear any more. She turned quickly on her heels, heading out in to the living room.
"Don't you run out on me again." Sam shouted after her.
"I didn't come here for this. I came to say goodbye so I could be happy." Shelley turned back.
"Then say goodbye, let him go and be happy with me." Sam said.
"I don't know if I can. I love him, I’m still in love with him."
Sam turned her around slowly, smiling at her.
"I know you do and I know you always will. But at the moment, he's not here and I know how lonely that makes you. I've seen how the mention of his name makes you cry. I just want to make all the pain go away. I can make you happy Shell. And you know that. You're scared of letting yourself get too close to someone. I know you felt something that night. I know you’re feeling it now. Let him go."
"I don't want to let him go. I don't know if I can."
"Then stop running away." Sam said.
Shelley's head turned quickly, glaring at Sam.
"I'm not running away. I'm trying to get on with my life."
"Why can't you do that here? Why do you have to leave?" Sam asked.
"I told you. I can't stay, not now. Not after what I did."
Sam shook her head. It was like listening to a broken record.
"When are you going to forgive yourself for that? Daniel wouldn't want you to be on your own. I understand what you’re going through."
"How do you know what I’m going through? You have no idea. No idea how I feel."
"Then tell me," Sam pleaded.
She moved towards her, reaching out her hand. For one moment, Sam's hand touched Shelley's.
"Don't Sam, please."
Shelley pulled away, moving back towards the door. Finally Sam began to realize what was happening.
"You’re not leaving to get away from the memories of Daniel. You’re leaving to get away from me. Did what we did disgust you so much."
"No," Shelley whispered. "No, of course it didn't. It was..."
Shelley began to turn slowly, not wanting Sam to see her face.
"It was what, Shelley?"
"I've never felt anything like that. I'd never been with a woman before and it confuses me. You confuse me."
Sam moved towards her, wrapping her arms around her. But she didn't move away as she thought she would. Shelley stayed glued to the spot, sighing heavily.
"What do I do that confuses you?" Sam whispered.
The redhead couldn't move, not wanting to move.
"This. The way you tease me, like you did that night."
"What did I do?" Sam asked.
Then a familiar sound brought a smile to Sam's ears. Shelley began to breath deeply. The major's first clue to what Shelley was feeling and where she was feeling it.
"When you wiped off that cream on my lips, sliding your finger in to my mouth."
Sam closed her eyes, remembering that moment. How terrified she was that her advances were going to be turned down.
"I could see how excited you were. Just like you are now," Sam said.
Her arm moved from her waist, her hand moving up towards her mouth. Shelley's lips parted slowly, welcoming the slender digit. It slid in and out slowly, making Shelley groan in appreciation.
"You remember what it felt like."
Shelley smiled through her tears, feeling Sam's soft breath and her lips on the back of her neck.
"I know it meant something to you."
"It did. Otherwise I wouldn't be here," Shelley said.
"And I know why your here." Sam whispered seductively in to Shelley’s ear.
Her hands reached up, peeling off Shelley's jacket. It fell behind her on to the floor revealing her blouse underneath. Sam wriggled out from out of her robe, still wearing her pj’s, letting it fall on to the floor next to Shelley’s coat. She stood behind her, her body pressed up against Shelley’s back. Ever since she had felt Sam’s arms around her, Shelley had felt the heat between her legs begin rise, torturing her. Sam’s hand reached up, beginning to unbutton Shelley’s blouse. They moved behind her, unclasping her bra, pushing down the straps with her fingers. Shelley leaned back, melting into Sam’s waiting arms.
“Let it go.” she whispered.
Shelley turned slowly, letting Sam see the tears that had fallen down her face. Sam wiped them away with her finger, bringing with it a small smile from Shelley’s lips. The redhead moved closer, exchanging the sweetest kiss that made Sam respond with the same smile. Shelley’s hand searched for hers, leading her towards the bed.
The relative warmth of the mid day sun that had shone into Sam’s living room a few hours earlier had made way for the cool of the early evening in her bedroom. Shelley stood next to the window, wrapped up in one of the throws that Sam had on the end of her bed. She looked out into the night, searching for something. An answer as to why this had happened to her. But there wasn’t one. She had learned not to question why things happened, believing that there was a big plan. That her meeting Daniel and falling in love would have consequences! And it had. It had given her, the most precious thing in her life, her daughter. No one, not even Sam could take her place. Her head turned slightly, feeling Sam’s arms around her again, as she had done many times over the last few hours.
“I woke up and I thought you’d gone again,” Sam said.
“I think I’ve just about got the strength to get out of bed.”
Shelley’s head turned further, meeting with Sam’s soft lips.
“I’m sorry for running out on you that day. I was confused.”
“It’s ok,” Sam whispered.
She rested her head on Shelley’s shoulder, sharing her gaze into the night sky.
“What are you doing anyway?”
“What for?” Sam asked.
Shelley shook her head slowly.
“I don’t know, nothing I guess. It just looks so beautiful out there.”
“Not as beautiful as it is in here.”
Sam’s head rose, and proceeded to kiss the back of Shelley’s neck. The redhead groaned, feeling that all too familiar feeling in her groin again.
“I’m tired,” she whispered.
“I should think so,” Sam replied.
Then Shelley heard it. That laugh! The one Jack had spoken about. Sam took her hand, leading her back towards the bed. Both of them lay down, Shelley now wrapped up in Sam’s arms and not her blanket. Sam kissed her softly on the forehead, brushing away the hair that had fallen across it.
“Did you feel that?” Shelley asked.
Sam shook her head, not sure what she was talking about.
“I didn’t feel anything. Besides, all the windows are closed.”
Shelley smiled to herself. Even if Sam hadn’t felt it, she had and hoped it meant what she thought it meant.
“I don’t know what’s going to happen Shelley. I just know that, we’re going to be together. Even if it might only be for a little while,” Sam whispered.
She looked down at Shelley’s face, smiling at seeing her fast asleep in her arms. Sam reached down, pulling up the blankets over them. She rested her head against her, feeling her eyes close and fell asleep in the arms of the woman she loved.