TITLE: The Worst Fic In The World
AUTHOR: Jos Mous
DISCLAIMER: I don’t own anything and am not making a profit.
NOTE: In response to Tasha’s April challenge which was (in its entirety) “Oh, that is so cliché.” I’m quite sure many more people could do something better with this, but here is my attempt anyway.
It was just a morning like pretty much any morning when Ginny Weasley found herself in the Great Hall eating her breakfast. The owl delivery system was in full swing, so it didn’t really surprise Ginny when an envelope was neatly deposited in her bowl of cereals. She took the envelope, shook off the milk as best as possible, and read the letter. When she had read it, her face became even paler than usual and, mumbling some excuses, she hurried away from the table.
Harry, who had been sitting next to her, frowned, took the letter and read it as well.
“I know what you did last Hogsmeade weekend.”
Harry frowned. Strange letter. And besides, according to his knowledge, Ginny had hung out with Hermione for the entire weekend. What could have possibly happened? Shrugging, he put the letter aside and continued his breakfast.
Hermione was on her way to the Great Hall. She was a tad late since she had made the fatal mistake of trying to get in some extra homework before breakfast. This usually meant that she was still trying to get in that extra bit of homework when lunch had already arrived. She smiled when she saw someone hurrying towards her.
“Hello Ginny,” she said.
“Can’t talk,” said the Ginny-shaped blur. “Got something to do. Love ya.”
“Err… love you too,” Hermione said to the departing figure.
For a moment, the brunette wondered what was up with her lover. And, more importantly, if she would mind if she tried to find out.
The growling of her stomach reminded her of some more urgent matters.
Not long after, the sound of Ginny’s voice screaming in terror reminded her of even more urgent matters. Hermione turned around and ran and when she rounded the corner she only saw the back of a Slytherin robe carrying a very human-shaped sack.
Hermione knocked on the dank door of nearly rotted wood. A small lid slid open at eye-height.
“Password?” a gruff voice asked.
“X never marks the spot.”
The lid slit shut and the door opened. Hermione stepped inside and into the swirling mass of the Slytherin Dungeon.
Looking around, she decided that she needed information. Sure, all Slytherin were bastards and they were all guilty of something but only one of them was guilty of kidnapping her Ginny and that’s the one she was looking for. Since she figured that the best way to get information was to mingle with the locals, Hermione sat down at one of the tables.
“Deal me in,” she said.
“Sure,” said the dealer. “You know what the game is?”
“Oh,” said Hermione. “Deal me in anyway.”
“You are not familiar with this game, are you?” an attractive young Slytherin at the end of the table said.
“No, but I’m a fast learner,” said Hermione, picking up the cards dealt to her.
“I see. And what would your name be, newbie?”
“Granger. Hermione Granger. Yours?”
“Multo Orgamsa,” said the girl, picking up her cards as well. “Three queens.”
Hermione looked at her cards. “Two jacks,” she said.
Multo Orgasma smiled and reached for the pile of chips.
“And three aces,” said Hermione, hogging all the chips for herself.
“How very fortunate for you,” said the Slytherin. “Surely you would treat a girl like me for a drink, no?”
“Why not?” said Hermione.
The two girls left the poker table and headed for the bar.
“I’ll have a butterbeer,” said Multo.
“Pumpkin juice for me,” said Hermione. “Shaken, not stirred.”
“Well now, Miss Granger, what’s a girl like you doing in a place like this?” Multo asked, sipping her butterbeer.
“I’m looking for someone.”
“I say you’ve found someone.”
“A girl named Ginny Weasley,” said Hermione, ignoring the innuendo.
“Do you now?”
Multo smiled. “Well Miss Granger, it has been a pleasure meeting you.”
Multo put her drink back on the bar counter and Hermione’s world went black.
When it ceased being black again, Hermione looked up into the face of Ginny. Not long after she could feel Ginny’s lips on hers. Not long after that she could feel Ginny’s hands wandering into… certain places.
“Honey, this is not the time. I’ve got a headache.”
Ginny pouted. Hermione kissed her. Ginny ceased to pout. Hermione got up from the floor and surveyed her surroundings. She was in a cell. With Ginny. Alone. There weren’t a lot of places in this school were two girls could spend a little private time together, but this happened to be one of them.
Hermione’s headache cleared up rather quickly.
“OK, resources?” Hermione asked. She was having difficulty getting her robe back on.
“Two paperclips and a cushion,” answered Ginny, who was having similar problems. “They took both our wands.”
“No problem,” said Hermione. “I could work with that. If only I could get this robe on.”
Ginny then managed to use her head and said. “Uhm… I think you’re having so much difficulty because the robe you’re trying to get into is mine.”
“Oh,” said Hermione. “Thanks.”
Five minutes later, the prison door and parts of the surrounding wall burst open as a monstrous tank burst through it.
“Now, to get our wands back,” said Hermione.
“Incoming message!” Ginny shouted.
And the redhead was right. An owl was flying towards them and it had dropped a letter on top of their tank. Hermione took the letter and read it.
“Good morning Hermione. Let me get right to the point. You and your girlfriend have been kidnapped and are being held deep inside Slytherin territory. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, will be to retrieve your wands and retreat back into neutral ground as quickly as possible. As usual, should any of you be captured, Gryffindor will deny any knowledge of your activities. Stealth will be required for this mission, so please don’t use any tanks. This letter will self-destruct in five seconds.”
“So, what was the letter about?” Ginny asked.
Hermione looked at the charred remains of said letter. “I think maybe we should’ve put those paperclips and that cushion to some other use. Let’s go, Gin.”
“Right behind you.”
After much sneaking and avoiding of nasty prefects, Hermione and Ginny managed to find a large room with their two wands lying on a fluffy red pillow on a pillar.
“Ha, we made it,” Hermione cheered as she and Ginny raced towards the wands.
“Not so fast, mudblood.”
Hermione and Ginny spun around.
“Malfoy,” Ginny spat.
“That’s right,” said Draco. “And I won’t have you two running around upsetting things. Crabbe, Goyle, get them!”
The two ignorant brutes charged at the two frail young girls. Crabbe’s fist headed for Hermione’s head, but the brunette dodged it and, shouting “Hi-yaaa!” used Crabbe’s strength against him by grabbing a hold of his arm and flipping him painfully onto the ground.
Meanwhile, Ginny *DUCK!* ducked under a punch and *ZAM!* scythed Goyle’s legs out from under him with a leg sweep, making the Slytherin *BANG!* fall on the ground. Ginny stood up and *ZOCK!* kicked him where it really hurt.
“Give it up, Malfoy,” said Hermione, getting her wand. “You can’t beat us.”
“We’ll just see about that Granger,” said Draco. “Clearly this school isn’t big enough for the three of us. Meet me in the Great Hall at noon today where we’ll settle this once and for all.”
“Looking forward to it Malfoy.”
“Ah, there you are,” said Draco, smiling malignantly.
“Here I am,” said Hermione.
The two rivals were standing at opposite ends of the deserted Great Hall. Nothing was there except for them, a dried up bush that rolled past. Hermione’s hand hovered over her wand, her eyes focused on any tell-tale sign that told her that Draco was reaching for his.
“You can’t win Granger,” said Draco.
“If you strike me down I’ll become more powerful than you can ever imagine.”
“WAH!” Hermione yelled most un-tough-girl-like as she felt a hand on her shoulder. It was Snape. “What do you want?” Hermione asked.
“Hermione… I am your father.”
Hermione blinked once, then twice. “No you’re not, my father’s a dentist.”
“Ah, but is he?’ said Snape, before retreating from the Great Hall once again.
“OK, that was odd,” said Hermione.
“Can we get back to the duel now?” Draco asked testily.
“Go ahead punk,” said Hermione. “Make my day.”
With a growl, Draco reached for his wand. “I choose you, SERPENSORTIA!”
A hissing snake appeared, but was quickly turned into a cawing crow by Hermione’s spell. The crow flew up to the teacher’s table and cawed “Nevermore.”
“Curse you Granger!” shouted Draco.
“Now, to finish it. EXPELLIARMUS!”
Draco’s wand flew out of his hands.
“I have you now,” said Hermione. “LIGATIO!”
A large number of leathery vines shot up from the ground, wrapped themselves around Draco’s wrists, ankles and torso and forced the Slytherin onto the ground. Hermione stood cockily in front of him.
“Now let’s see who you really are,” she said. She grabbed the base of Draco’s neck and pulled upwards, ripping off the mask and revealing…
“Ron?” Ginny asked in shock.
“That’s right. Ron,” said Hermione, holding the Draco mask in her hands. “The real Draco Malfoy is as queer as black sunshine and would have never kidnapped the only two lesbians who are actually publicly out because of some form of solidarity. So therefore it was easy to figure out that the real kidnapper had the be an enormous homophobic prick.”
“I can’t believe you did this, Ron,” Ginny said.
“Believe it. I’m so damn tired of you two making out during dinner and being disgustingly happy while normal people can’t find anyone. It was my duty to stop you both!”
“Well, you won’t be bothering any more homosexuals in this school Mr Weasley,” said Professor McGonagall who had mysteriously appeared during all this.
“I would’ve gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for these meddling lesbians.”
“Take him away Professor,” said Hermione.
McGonagall nodded and carefully guided the misguided redhead out of the Great Hall. Ginny walked up next to Hermione and let her hand slip into the brunette’s.
“I knew you could do it.”
“Anything for you, my love.”
“Come on,” said Ginny. “Let’s walk off into the sunset.”
“And so, once again, the day is saved! Thanks to the Gryffindor Girls!”
“Shut up Lee.”
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